Chapter Text
Around 2 weeks had passed since then, and he was…
As ready as he could be, to go back to school.
He put on his uniform, staring a bit in the mirror.
He had horrible eye bags, and he looked more sickly than ever.
Even though he rested the whole break, it did practically nothing, and his mental health was still terrible.
Over the weeks he had been home, his mother had been constantly checking on him and had registered to get him a therapist.
While the sessions went decently, he didn't feel better.
He felt nothing.
He had to catch himself often wishing that he hadn’t survived
He tried to clear his thoughts, and went to brush his hair, brush his teeth, and do his eyeliner,
Just as he always used to.
He just wanted to look somewhat presentable for his first day back.
It wasn't a secret anymore, so it didn't matter what he did.
He knew he would still be approached by people and asked about it.
What he didn’t expect however, was to be completely and utterly correct; so much so, that there he currently was walking through the halls with a small group of people he’d never even seen before trailing behind him, asking all sorts of questions, as everyone in the halls stared at him like he was some kind of alien.
“Kamishiro, are the rumors true??”
“Why did you do that?”
“Are you depressed or something?”
The questions and stares wouldn't stop.
As he kept walking, unable to respond, An had noticed, and yelled at the group, telling them to go to class.
“Ah- T-Thanks… Shiraishi.” Rui sighed shakily, a cold sweat running down his arms and neck.
He shouldn't have come to school.
But what else could he have done?
It would have happened no matter what.
“Of course, Kamishiro. You should… Head off to class too. But…” She looked around to see if anyone was in hearing range, and leaned in, whispering to him.
“I won't get onto you if you decide to go to the roof for a while. Just… Think of it as hall monitor discretion. I'm sure Tenma won't get on to you about that either, even though he's super strict and such a goodie two shoes!” An leaned back at the end there, laughing to herself.
He also smiled, laughing just a bit.
“Yeah. He is, isn't he? Thank you, Shiraishi. Truly.” He smiled sadly but with genuine gratefulness, and ‘discreetly’ (An was watching him)
walked up to the roof, making sure no one followed, An also watching his back.
He stayed up there until lunch when he heard footsteps up to the roof and voices.
He froze.
He knew exactly what was going to happen.
“...And that's why I don't actually try to-”
The doors opened as a clear yet soft voice spoke.
Tsukasa and Nene
The two froze awkwardly upon seeing that Rui had beaten them to the roof in the first place.
“Ah… Sorry. I'll be taking my leave now.” Rui got up, packed his things into his bag, and walked past the two, deciding to just go back to his classroom.
As he walked down the stairs, Tsukasa and Nene were unmoving, eventually to both Rui and Nene’s surprise, he called out.
“Rui.”
Rui stopped and turned to look at the blonde.
“... I'm glad you're back. Make sure you eat something.”
He certainly wasn't expecting that, but he gave a polite half-smile, nodded slightly, and proceeded to the classroom.
He was glad he hadn't asked him to stay on the roof with them.
That was… definitely too much for them right now.
—---------------------------------------
School went on like that for a while.
He tried his best to catch up with schoolwork, eventually having to go to class and stomach the dread and paralyzing fear, but he eventually learned to ignore it.
He occasionally had people come up to him saying some pretty nasty things, but they always got shut down by An, Toya, Mizuki, and even Akito.
Seeing Akito stand up for him was…
Weird.
He, on one hand, couldn't stand Rui as much as the next guy, but Rui could see that he had a good heart under all that tough-guy act.
Not to mention that, after one specific case of Akito shutting someone up for Rui, he had joined Rui in the classroom where he usually sat alone, and gave him company.
“Why are you doing this?” Rui asked, sitting at a desk, drawing in his notebook.
“Because.” He said plainly, sitting on top of a desk, and looking at what Rui was doing.
“Nice sketch.”
“Oh. Thanks.” He shifted away from Akito in embarrassment.
He shouldn't have to have people forcibly be kind to him.
It was humiliating.
It made him feel less than.
But he's already established that that's how he's meant to feel.
“What’s it? I don't understand you and your machinery.” He scoffed playfully, hopping off the desk and pulling over one to Rui’s.
“It's-” Rui stopped, startled by his sudden interest in whatever Rui was doing.
“It's a machine to propel things. It stems from a prototype when we were doing that festival. Back when I got hurt, I was thinking for a while about how I could scrap that device and repurpose it into something less… dangerous, I suppose. Turns out I-”
Rui stopped suddenly, covering his mouth.
“Sorry.”
Akito knew the pain he was going through.
He knew how it felt to have no one, find someone who got you, lose them, and go back to having no one, but he also knew that Rui would find them again, just as he, Toya, An, and Kohane did.
Not to mention how he had a similar experience that Rui was having.
“Kamishiro, you shouldn't stop yourself from stuff you enjoy or are interested in.” He sighed a bit sadly.
“Ah… I… Sorry. I just… Dont… I don't understand why you're being kind to me. Usually, no offense, you try to steer clear of me.”
“... Yeah. Well, that's because I assumed. It was stupid of me to do. For the longest time, until I properly met you, I thought you were some kind of weirdo who was trouble from the start. Now I see that's the furthest thing from the truth. You are considerate, passionate, and do what you believe is right. You know, you and I aren't as different as I thought. And… As… irritating as it is to admit, I think the same about Tsukasa now too.”
“I… Appreciate that, Shinonome. But, we’re… Alike? How so?” Rui stared puzzled at the ginger.
“... I don't mind telling you since everyone also knows what happened, but you can kind of guess.
This situation happened to me too, so I know how you feel.”
Rui stared shocked at him, unable to think of anything to say other than another apology.
“Stop saying you're sorry. I know you're used it by now since that's pretty much all you're able to say after trying to do something like this but, the Rui- the… Kamishiro I know doesn't say sorry for shit. He's unapologetically himself and that's cool as hell.” He smiled, playfully punching the director's shoulder lightly.
“Yeah. Yeah, thank you, Akito.” Rui smiled, still perplexed by how everyone around him could have such a positive outlook on life.
“Yeah, but don't go thinkin’ I'm Tsukasa. You're not going to explode shit around me, I'll kick your ass.” As Akito laughed, Rui finally understood what Toya meant about him being a good listener and kind.
He didn't see it at first, but he supposed Akito was right about them being the same in a lot of ways, as he also acted cold to an extent if you weren't on his good side.
“You're also able to ask me anything if you need help. I know you're my senior but you're supposed to reach out when you need help.”
“Thank you. Really.”
He turned back to his paper, and Akito continued to ask questions about the invention he was working on.
He didn't expect it to become a routine, but he was the most at peace he had been for months.
He always brought food for him too, gave him some tips on his sketches since he also drew, and they even sang together a couple of times, Akito complimenting Rui’s voice.
He appreciated Akito.
While yeah, he and the singer were a lot alike, he still reminded him of Tsukasa.
In fact, pretty much everything did.
Akito had a similar smile and laugh to Tsukasa and a similar way of joking.
While he enjoyed spending lunch with him, he couldn't shake the feeling of longing and dread he felt when he remembered Tsukasa.
He guessed his thoughts were as plain as day to Akito, as he had asked about it.
“I had that problem when Toya and I got into a big fight. I couldn't stop thinking about him, which first off- I needed to get a grip on reality, two, why not just, GO AND SEE HIM, ya’know? So I ran like hell to find him at the cafe we practice at, and stopped him from leaving our group. After that, everything was great. Maybe you just need to talk to him.”
“... I guess you're right. It's… Kind of nice having someone who gets it to this extent. It's like you automatically lower my guard. Tsukasa does that-”
He paused, sighing and then banging his head on the desk he sat at.
“You're doin’ it again. Go talk to him. This is gettin’ sad.” he scoffed, smiling slightly.
“It's been sad.” Rui laughed quietly, muffled by his arms.
“Want me to talk to him for you?”
“No. I have to do it myself. I just… Don't know how or when.”
“Well, how ‘bout… Tomorrow? Just put a date to it and see how you feel ‘bout it. I know it probably feels like you're being punched in the gut but you gotta rip the bandaid off somehow.”
“I know. I'll… Text him. What should I even say?”
“I don't know- Just ask to talk.”
“But what if I can't bring myself to?”
“Rui, are you ready to talk to him?”
“...I suppose so.”
“Then you have to go tomorrow. Or at least this week. You can't delay it forever. If you're ready to go, then get goin’.”
“...Alright.”
Rui. - 今日 12:14
Can we talk tomorrow after school?
His finger hovered over the send button as he bit his nails.
Akito sighed annoyedly, walking over to Rui, grabbing his phone right out of his hands, and hitting send as Rui sprang up in horror.
“Y-You can't just-”
“I did. So now, talk to him. ”
“I can't do this. He's gonna hate me forever. Oh my god.”
Rui complained and worried, almost slamming his head down into his desk again, hiding his face with his arms and hair.
“You'll live.” Akito rolled his eyes, noting the subtle irony of that sentence.
He still had the inventor's phone in hand, when a small ding came from it.
“Tsukasa.” Akito announced, the two immediately looked at the phone, Akito pulling a desk over to Rui so they could both look at Tsukasa’s response.
Kasa<3 - 今日 12:22
Okay. I think now is a good time. I can't promise I won't be mad still, but that's just because I hold grudges. You know me.
Rui laughed a bit at the message, feeling a bit better, but still anxious beyond belief.
“That's good to see. He's willing to communicate.”
“Yeah, but I still can't shake this anxiety.”
“Hey, you and I have sung together, why don't you come with me to practice? Maybe you'll find singing makes you feel better. You can also talk to Kohane. She used to be the most anxious person you'll ever meet, almost rivaling Kusanagi. She's now one of the most confident people I know. Maybe you can get some tips.” Akito smiled, elbowing him in a playful manner.
“... That actually sounds nice. Thanks.”
“No problem man.”
—---------------------------------------
“K-Kamishiro?!” An shouted, startled, Toya and Kohane looking up as well in surprise from where they sat at the counter.
“And with Akito of all people? That's new.” Toya teased, sipping his coffee.
“Oh shut up. I'll have you know this guy isn't actually as bad as I thought. Sure, he explodes shit like it's nothin’ but he's actually got a killer voice. I invited him to sing with us if that's okay.”
Rui awkwardly smiled, waving.
He leaned over to Akito, whispering as a smile was still plastered on his face.
“You didn't tell them I was coming? ” He spoke through his smile, his tone very clearly the opposite of his expression.
“Pfft. It'll be fine. These guys are fine with legit anything.” Akito rolled his eyes, smiling carefreely.
“Well, I'm so glad! Kamishiro, it's so nice to meet you! I'm Azusawa Kohane. Pleased to make your acquaintance.” Kohane smiled brightly, waving.
“Yeah, you as well.” He smiled back.
“Yeah! I mean- I was honestly so surprised that Akito brought you since he avoids you like the plague! Actually- come to think of it, Akito, you've been spending a lot of time together, haven't you? Has Mr. Grumpy-Pants found another best friend? Toys, you better watch out!” An grinned evilly, poking him in the forehead to which he swatted her hand away, Toya, Kohane, and An laughing.
“I think it's nice that Shinonome is making new friends. We could always use more singing buddies.” Kohane giggled.
“I agree. You need to be more sociable, Akito.” Toya agreed, everyone in Vivid Bad Squad ganging up on him.
Rui was so glad they were acting normal around him.
He knew Aoyagi and Shiraishi knew, but he wasn't sure about Azusawa.
It didn't matter, he was here to make friends and get his mind off of everything.
The friend group's banter ended after a bit, and they began setting up.
Rui sat at the counter with Kohane and Toya.
“Want anything to eat or drink, Kamishiro?” An called out.
“No, that's quite alright. Thank you.” He replied, a slightly embarrassed smile shown on his face.
It was strange being cared for like this.
It felt almost like Wondershow.
He missed Emu’s hugs and her smile.
He missed Nene’s singing.
He missed Tsukasa’s affection and voice, and… everything.
Not saying he didn't miss everything about Emu and Nene, he did, it was just that, he missed his… whatever they were.
He missed his star.
“I actually heard your voice a while ago. It was really good. If this much time has passed since then and you're still doing what you've been doing… except during this period of time obviously, then I would think you've gotten that much better.” Toya speculated, drinking some coffee.
“Ah… Well honestly, I don't think I'm anything special at it.”
“No! I- I mean… I've been to almost every single one of your shows. I know you're all very talented.” Kohane smiled nervously.
“Oh yeah, I remember Tsukasa mentioning that you were our biggest fan.” Rui recounted, laughing.
Kohane turned a bright red, immediately turning into somewhat of a timid hamster.
“W-w-w-w-well I…”
“Haha… Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. If anything, this is also a bit embarrassing for me since I don't sing just to sing, and I'm with people I normally am not with.” Rui admitted, looking at the blonde girl.
“Re-Really? I would think you always practice with how amazing you sound! That's so unfair! Kusanagi too, she's incredible…!” Kohane spoke in awe.
“Oh yeah. Nene’s amazing. Her voice has always been that good. She and I used to sing together before we went into middle school.”
“Ah, I see. I noticed you picked up some habits from her just in general during your performances.” Toya commented, shocking Rui.
“You did?”
“Mhm. Like, when you first get into a position in your scene where you have to start singing, you both mess with your hands. It's very subtle and no one else notices I'm sure, but I can see you both pick at the skin on your fingers or mess with your clothes. Or when the show ends, if you both have to speak, your tones sort of have a flat intonation. It's like you two are turning off ‘acting’ mode.” Toya recalled his observations.
“That's… actually true. Huh. I didn't know you paid that much attention. I guess that means I'll need to up the quality of our shows tenfold so you don't notice anything wrong with them!” Rui laughed, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.
Toya smiled, sipping his coffee.
“You do that. We will see if I notice anything.”
“Yo, everyone. Time to get goin’. Kamishiro, do you know how to sing quickly?” Akito asked, approaching the three with An next to him.
“I… Might? I'm not one for speaking quickly, and it might take me a minute to register stuff, but I think I could be able to.”
“Hmm… Yo, Toya, wasn't one of our practice songs Shanti? It was a quick one, but if you get the flow, then you got it. Should we try that one?”
“I suppose that could work. Kamishiro, do you have any favorite songs of yours that you know?”
“I have a few yes.”
“We might be familiar with ‘em.” Akito caught on to Toya's idea.
“Ah, I see. Well, I know…”
They spent a while discussing and eventually finding a song they both knew.
As he sang, he felt a weight off his shoulders like Akito said.
It felt nice, being able to just do something nice with people you don't normally hang out with.
After a while of singing, Rui sat on the sidelines as he watched their practice continue, as he had nothing better to do.
He could see Toya look at Akito the way Tsukasa used to look at him.
He had to pull himself together. He couldn't keep avoiding him and running.
He couldn't just make new friends and move on.
He missed his people.
He missed his life.
—---------------------------------------
“WOOOO! Feels good! Man- Kamishiro, everyone was right, you have a crazy vocal range…!” An spoke in admiration and slight disbelief.
“Thank you… I still don't see why you all say that but I guess I just have to take your word for it. Thank you for letting me intrude today.” He sat, drinking some water that Ken, An’s dad, had brought him.
“No, thank you for joining us today. It was super fun!” Kohane beamed.
“I agree.” Toya smiled.
“Seriously though, you got that kind of voice and you're wanting to be behind a curtain most of the time for your job?” Akito joked.
“Hey, no. I'm on stage quite a lot. Far more than I could ever want. Recently though, we have been getting side roles in collaboration with other groups. Now, my main goal is to make Tsukasa the lead as much as possible. We all are trying our best. Me, to help the troupe, Tsukasa to- as he says best- become a world future star, Nene to become a world-renowned singer, and Emu, probably doing stuff like me. Going around planning and managing projects. She's very talented.”
Rui went on about his group, showing everyone just how much he loved and knew every one of them.
“I know that! Emu is so fun to be around, and she's super smart too! She always helps me with homework.” Kohane mentions.
“Yeah, but I always have to tell her to stop sneaking into Kamikou…” An sighed.
“Y-You see her?” Rui shot up in shock.
“Yes?? The whole school does. I'm surprised you don't. You got those drones everywhere, don't you?” An smiled defeatedly.
“Well- I… Guess I should have seen this coming from miles away. Literally.” Rui sighed, the group laughing.
“Well, anyways, I better get going. Have a good night, everyone. Thank you again, for today, and thank you Akito, for inviting me.”
“Sure, man. Come again sometime.”
“Yeah! Please do!” An smiled.
“Oh, that reminds me. Azusawa, could I speak to you before I go?” Rui asked a bit nervously, Akito nodding, signaling him to ask.
“O-Oh! Of course.”
The two walked outside the cafe but made sure to stay by the window so that the rest of them could see.
“Um, I'm sorry for this but, could you perhaps give me some advice?” Rui asked, fidgeting with his hands.
“Of course. What's up?”
“Well… Um… I messed up a very important relationship, and I'm too scared to talk to them about it face to face, but I promised I would meet up with them tomorrow. Do you perhaps know how to face this kind of fear or at least calm your nerves? Akito told me that you have experience with anxiety and this sort of thing. N-Not in detail, of course, he simply mentioned it in a one-off comment and told me to ask you.”
“Ah… Yeah, I am familiar, he's right. I wish I had a list of steps for dealing with it, but I don't, I can try to explain it to the best of my ability. What I tried to do was basically exposure therapy. I went out with An and sang in the middle of the street. I was having stomach aches every day and crying sometimes, but eventually, I toughened up. But that was over a course of time. I think it applies to this too though. You go up there, you face them, you tell them how you feel, and eventually, through the stomach aches and tears, push your way to becoming able to confront your problems. That's how I see it, at least.”
Kohane smiled gently at the inventor.
“I see. Thank you so much, Azusawa. You're really wise.”
“Wise? Haha- you make it sound like I'm some kind of spiritual guide!”
“Pfft. Yeah. I guess you're right. Well, I'll be off now for real this time. Thank you guys again for your hospitality.”
“Of course, and remember, we are all always here if you need someone to talk, scream, or sing with. We are pretty good at those things. But, if possible, please go to Akito and An for the screaming…” Kohane giggled, getting a laugh out of Rui as well.
“Will do. Then, I'll see you sometime.”
“Yep. Bye!”
He waved to her, and waved through the glass at Akito, An, and Toya and they waved back.
He went home that night, feeling the best he's felt in months.
Granted, it was only a bit better, but it was still the best out of all those days.
He would have to remember Azusawa's advice tomorrow.
He was still feeling sick, but he had to keep going.
He couldn't give up again.
—---------------------------------------
“So…”
Rui sat face-to-face with the star in his room.
“Have you finally decided on how to approach this situation?” Tsukasa asked.
“...Yeah.”
“I've done enough talking. It's your turn to speak.”
“That's rather vague, isn't it?”
“Get out what you're feeling, and how you're going to move forward from this. How about that?”
“Fine by me. I… Would it be alright if I explain this from the beginning?”
“Do what feels most convenient to you.”
“Okay. A few months ago, I began feeling more and more depressed. Obviously, not good. I had already been through this one time already, and since meeting you all, had improved. I had begun trying to run from my problems in hopes of not falling deeper into them. It didn't work and I began getting physically sick from it. My stomach hurt to the point that I couldn't even move, and I was terrified of going outside and doing anything. I couldn't get out of bed and I couldn't perform anymore. Shows are my livelihood, so naturally I felt stuck, alone, and lifeless. I tried writing anything that I could think of for a script, but nothing sounded right, hence the script you pointed out. During that confrontation, I felt so scared and nauseous.
I was in almost agonizing levels of anxiety, and I couldn't do anything but run away.
It was pathetic. I was running from a problem I caused by not reaching out.
It has never come easy to me to just express how I feel like you all can.
I felt like I was broken.
I had been left alone with these feelings after pushing you away, and I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't just hurt you like that and then not go through with it- Well… I could but- You could tell I wasn't thinking clearly. I know I hurt you, and I know you're probably not going to be okay for a long time. I can't keep apologizing. I have to move on and accept that what I did was selfish and unfair. I love you and I don't want you to have to date someone like me. You deserve someone you can always trust and won't have to go through this heartbreak and pain with.”
Rui relaxed a bit upon admitting it all, peeking at the blonde's expression.
He looked…
Conflicted, to say the least.
“Thank you for explaining, Rui. I know how it feels. Really, I do. That's why I was so angry. I let you deal with this alone.”
He had been hurt this much and here he was, blaming himself again.
“You didn't let me do anything. You tried EVERYTHING, Tsukasa. There was nothing left to DO. Please stop blaming yourself.” Rui spoke, troubled.
“I- I know, okay? I know. But it's hard to stop when all I can think about is that night, and how useless I was. That whole week I was useless. I couldn't even face you for a month. You had to go make new friends just to keep yourself company. I shouldn't have left you alone during this time either. After something like this, I should have kept my eyes on you at all times but I didn't. I'm just- I'm glad Akito was there for you when I couldn't be.” Tsukasa trembled, guilt overtaking him.
“No. You were completely right to do so, and I think it was for the best. I’m… I'm sure it was really rough. You saw me in that horrible point of my life and what I tried to do hurt you. I hurt you far too much. You deserve space and time. You weren't useless at all. You talked to me, called, came over, tried to get me to care for my well-being, tried getting me to talk about it, and even when I refused it all, you were the one who carried me in your arms after that night. I just barely remember it. While I can't recall much of what went on during that time, I do remember that, and I'll always be grateful for you and everyone.”
Rui took a sharp, deep breath, trying to give a reassuring look to Tsukasa.
He could tell that even through all his anger, Tsukasa’s main obstacle was his guilt.
He did nothing wrong.
Rui was the problem, and he knew that.
“Please just admit what we both know to be true: I am at fault. Once you admit it, we will be able to move on.”
“I want you to love yourself like I love you.” Tsukasa blurted out after pondering quietly for a bit.
“...What?”
“Stop it- Just- Stop, Rui. I- You aren't… You're not a problem, you're not a bother, you're not annoying, selfish, worthless, a problem, you are none of those things you say and think about yourself. You're not. I hate it when you say it- You clearly don't see yourself as an equal to those around you and it's so difficult to watch. You so desperately want to erase yourself at the slight inconvenience of the people you love. We are NOT inconvenienced by you in the slightest. To get the sheer thought that we even DISLIKE YOU is wild, Rui. It's such a drastic jump from you being with us, smiling joyfully, to convincing yourself we hate you.”
Tsukasa rebuked him, trying to get it through his mind.
“...Okay.” Rui simply complied, not feeling the need to argue further, as he knew Tsukasa was right.
“I don't mean to upset you, but I need you to know that it's true.”
“I… Know.”
“Obviously not.” the blonde scoffed.
“...”
“Why do you think I'm so great…?” Rui wondered, trying to understand why he wanted to stay with someone like him.
“Because, you are. You're my person. You've been with me for so long and through all our ups and downs, you've been by my side once you recognized that I wasn't trying to act the way I did. You have a good heart, and you love your friends more than anything in the world. You're so passionate about what you love and you are a sweet, caring person. You never let me get hurt, and when mistakes happen, like during that show on Halloween, you felt so bad you subconsciously tried protecting me without even realizing it. You're not any of the names you call yourself. You never were and you never will be. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot, and other various names I'm not willing to say right now.”
Tsukasa crossed his arms, sighing, looking up at the director.
Rui only looked at him with surprise, but a hint of sadness.
“I… See. Thank you. I'm sorry that even after all this, you're still the one who has to make me feel better. I should be there for you like this…”
“And you are, Rui. I wish you understood that. You've BEEN with me this whole time. Just like I said. It doesn't have to be identical to how I do stuff. If I'm being honest, I have a sort of big-brother mentality. When I see someone I love in pain, I immediately force my way into that problem until I can fix it for them. It's… Not good. I know I'm just trying to help, but most of the time it just screws everyone over. Like right now. I forced my help on you when you obviously weren't ready for it. I tried taking control of the situation since I freak out when I'm not able to do anything about something this serious. It's… Scary to not be able to impactfully help your boyfriend's depression. I kept thinking that I had to solve it for you, and so when you went through with it, I was so… lost, I guess. Angry and lost. Not at you, remember, but at myself. I am always on top of stuff like this, and I'm always able to help one way or another, but this time I couldn't do anything. For a while and even now I feel like I have no impact on anyone anymore. No amount of volume or flashy presentation can get people to listen. And I know that's not true, I know. People with depression usually don't listen to outside input. I just… Always wish things could be different. Like maybe because you trust me and love me, I could do more than Emu or Nene could. That's why I felt such a high obligation to do something. I also just want you to know it's not your fault for this, it's my own. I've been trying to get out of this mentality for so long.” Tsukasa professed, trying to clear his thoughts.
“I… I'm sorry.” Rui began to apologize again before stopping himself.
“I think that we should stop blaming ourselves and just move on. This blame game will go on forever.” Tsukasa laughed a bit.
God, he missed his smile.
It's been months since he's seen it.
He missed him so much.
He was in so much pain that he forgot just how much comfort the blonde's smile brought to him.
“I still love you.” Rui accidentally divulged, despite it being a known fact between the two.
“I love you too. I've told you that many times, haven't I?”
“Yeah.”
“Then believe it, and we will be okay.”
“Alright.”
—---------------------------------------
His talk with Tsukasa wasn't as anxiety-inducing as he originally thought, but he still felt as though they didn't talk enough. He wanted to talk to him the whole night about it all and come to a solid and absolute resolution, but even then, that's a bit much right now. It was enough already that he even talked to Tsukasa in the first place.
He had been hanging out with Vivid Bad Squad quite a bit, even gaining the title of, “Honorary VBS member” by An.
He was glad to have gotten to know An, Akito, Azusawa, and Aoyagi better.
He was beginning to reconnect more with Nene, he and Emu’s relationship began to feel back to somewhat normal, and he and Tsukasa had slowly begun rebuilding their trust.
It started with small steps to going back to normal, like getting back into shows after their hiatus. Rui had begun writing scripts again, and Tsukasa noticed they seemed to be getting more and more like Rui again.
Sure, Rui wasn't cured of these feelings and thoughts, but he was managing.
Being able to communicate also still did not come easy to him, but now he knew at least that when his friends asked him to tell them what was going on, he should try.
“Hey… Um… Rui. Can we talk?”
Tsukasa held his hand to stop him as he began to walk home with Nene.
“Ah- Yeah… Sure.” Rui turned around, nodding to Nene, telling her to go on.
As she walked away, Rui looked at the star.
He seemed extremely nervous.
“I… Wanted to ask…” Tsukasa took a deep gasp of air.
“Are you okay?”
“A-Ah… I… Um…” Rui immediately seemed uneasy, not sure of what to do since last time.
“I… Noticed you looked upset today. That's all. Im… Not sure what I'm supposed to do now since…”
“I know. Thank you for… Noticing. I will… Try to communicate more and… Not keep secrets. I had a bad day today, that's truly all it is. I don't want you to feel scared of asking me for fear of pushing me. I needed to be pushed anyway. Thank you for the concern, Tsukasa.”
“Yeah. No problem…” he stood, a bit dejected.
“Well then, I'll be on my… way…” Rui paused, observing Tsukasa more.
He was still holding his hand, staring at the ground, troubled.
“I guess it's my turn to ask. Are you okay? You seem far more upset than I do.” Rui moved closer to the blonde, holding his other hand.
“Pfft… No. Not really.” He quietly laughed, his expression staying the same.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Rui asked in almost a whisper.
“...I should. But…It's a bit embarrassing.” Tsukasa smiled a bit fakely, a slight twinge of irritation (presumably at himself) visible on his face.
“That's okay. I know how you feel.” Rui ever so slightly laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
“I've just… been unable to sleep.” He sighed, conveniently yawning.
“Ah… Could it be that…”
He knew exactly what was going on now.
He couldn't sleep because Rui had scared him so badly.
At night too.
“Um… I- I didn't want to say because I don't want you to feel worse but… I don't want to hide things from you either. Every time I close my eyes I… I see what I saw that night.”
“...I've been meaning to ask someone but… I don't want to upset you more either. I have no idea what went on that night. Like I said before, I only remember you. I heard some noises but I didn't see anything since everything was a blur.”
“I suppose I can recount it because I practically live through it again and again anyway.” Tsukasa sighed.
“...S-Sorry.” Rui let go of his hands and balled his fists tightly, but his gloves refused to let him do any harm.
“No- It's… It's…” Tsukasa looked away, unable to lie to Rui.
It wasn't okay.
He wasn't fine with it.
He was still so upset.
But they had to move on.
“I know… You don't have to tell me if it'll make you feel worse, Kasa.” Rui finished his sentence, saving him the lie.
“I'm sorry if this comes off as insensitive but… A part of me wants you to experience what we did. I need you to understand what you did.” He looked Rui directly in the eyes, a sort of seriousness taking over himself.
“Alright.” He complied, squeezing the blonde's hand.
“Before I tell you though, could I walk you home…?” Tsukasa asked gently.
“Yeah. That would be nice. Tell me on the walk home then if you want, yeah? Would that help?” Rui smiled melancholically, looking down at their intertwined hands.
“Yeah.”
So off the two walked, out of the park and on the sidewalk to Rui’s house.
“So… When I got your call… I felt… Scared. You hadn't talked to us in so long, so I knew something was going on. When I heard what you had said, I told Nene to immediately go check on you, and so while she did that, both Emu and I put on jackets and ran like hell to your house and met up there. We found you lying on your bed next to Nene while the ambulance came.
She was… God. I can't even begin to describe how much fear she was in. Emu had to stay a bit far back since she was scared, and I was right next to Nene, checking if you were going to be okay until you got help.
You were deathly pale and…
And… Shaking…
And you…
Were barely breathing…
…”
Tsukasa stopped walking, the distraction of the street’s view and moving starting to wear off.
He got a hold of himself and began walking again, this time holding Rui’s hand even tighter than before, standing closer.
“You don't have to finish.” Rui whispered, seeing his boyfriend’s afflicted expression.
He only nodded, continuing to walk.
“Do you understand now?” Tsukasa looked up at Rui with a strained expression.
“... Yeah. I truly am sorry and I know no apology can truly fix it, but I promise you that it will never happen again.”
He held out his pinky to the blonde who hesitantly reached out his own finger.
“Do you truly, to the stars and back, absolutely promise?” Tsukasa asked, voice cracking.
To his star and back, from his soul to Tsukasa's,
Of course, he accepted.
“Absolutely. To the stars and back.”
—---------------------------------------
“Ah, hey, hey! Look guys! It's Rui!”
Emu jumped up and down, immediately running towards the sound of his voice, accidentally dragging Nene with her who had her arm interlocked with the dreamer.
Tsukasa followed, laughing at the girls.
“Woah- is he really singing with Shinononome and his group?? I didn't even know they KNEW each other!!” Emu smiled, Wondershow now all standing and watching where he couldn't see.
“Man, we sang together for some time but give that guy a challenge and he'll absolutely murder it.” Nene sighed, laughing a bit.
After a bit of listening, they saw Rui wave to the group and leave, bumping into his group.
He slightly jumped at the sight of the three who were smiling, almost mocking him with how gaudy the smiles were. It was all teasing of course, but he was still embarrassed that they caught him.
“You leaving Wonderlands X Showtime to join Vivid Bad Squad or something?” Tsukasa teased, giving him a kiss and grabbing his hand as they walked together.
“Pfft. Yeah. It seems I'm just more skillfully challenged! Such a shame too… I had almost gotten done building that cannon that would shoot you into space…” Rui joked with an evil expression, poking Tsukasa in the face.
Tsukasa smiled brightly, laughing in that 1200-decibel way.
They had their group back.
They had their Rui back.
Occasionally he hit his lows, as humans do.
He had everyone to help him quit his harmful habits, and to make sure he was safe during depressive episodes.
He wasn't alone no matter how much he felt like he was.
He lived,
Even though sometimes he doesn't want to.
But you know what?
He lived.
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