Chapter Text
“You want to be our WHAT?” Sirius asked in disbelief.
“Your secretkeeper”, Dumbledore calmly repeated.
“But I thought that I already was”, Sirius said and wrinkled his eyes in confusion. “How do you change secretkeepers when you already have one?”
“It’s a complicated process, but not impossible”, Dumbledore explained.
They were sitting in the incredibly greasy kitchen of Grimmauld Place 12. Remus, who sat beside Sirius, felt just as confused as Sirius looked.
“I, as the leader of the Order, should be the secretkeeper”, Dumbledore said. “And frankly, I don’t think you even want to be.”
“No”, Sirius confessed. “But …”
Dumbledore pierced him with his light blue eyes. “‘But’ what, Sirius? This is what’s best for everyone.”
Sirius shrugged.
“I guess”, he said, having no more defense.
“Good”, Dumbledore said. “It will be fine, we can perform the spell now. But before that, there’s one more thing.”
Sirius quickly glanced at Remus before turning to Dumbledore. Remus took his hand under the table. This would work out. It had to. Dumbledore clenched his jaw.
“Don’t overreact now, Sirius”, he said. “It’s just … well, this house is going to be our headquarters. And I would like it to be manned all the time. I’ve already asked the Weasley’s, and they have agreed to move in and help with the restoration of the house.”
Sirius watched him suspiciously.
“Ok, if you wanted to ask if that’s alright with me I don’t have anything against it”, he said. “But how does this affect me?”
“Sirius …”, Dumbledore began, but was interrupted by Sirius.
“No”, he said and violently shook his head. “No way. No. You can’t ask me to do this. I refuse, you can’t make me. I won’t ever live here again. Never.”
He rose up from the table and stormed away, to Merlin-knew-where. Dumbledore sighed.
“I knew it would come to this. Can you …?” he asked Remus.
“Yeah, of course”, Remus said, because of course he did, and walked after Sirius.
He got out to the hallway, and walked quietly to not awaken the sleeping portrait of Walburga Black. Remus climbed up the staircase, watching the closed doors. Where could Sirius be? Remus had his suspicions, and he stopped when he arrived at the floor where there were two closed doors. On the doors, there were two nameplates. One for Regulus, one for Sirius. Remus hesitated outside Sirius’s door, before he quietly unlocked it.
He had never been to Sirius’s room before, but what he saw could be compared to his side of their Hogwarts dorm. Pictures, probably attached with the permanent sticking charm, were hanging all around the walls. There were pictures of naked muggle women, frozen and unmoving, and pictures of their friends, smiling cheerfully, not knowing what would happen with them a few years later. The contrast was great, but Remus thought it looked cozy.
On his knees, right in the middle of the floor, was Sirius, tears streaming down his face.
“Have he sent you to convince me?” Sirius asked with a wild look on his face. “In that case, you can leave. Because I will never come back to live in this despicable place ever again. He can’t force me. I won’t listen. I won’t.”
Remus carefully stepped forward. “Sirius, no one is forcing you to do anything. I just wanted to check if you were alright.”
“Do I look alright to you?” Sirius screamed.
But that angry burst of energy was everything he managed before he covered his face with his hands to hide it from Remus. Remus debated with himself for a few seconds before he thought “fuck it” and walked forward to Sirius, leaning down beside him and pulling him in for a hug.
“Shh, relax”, Remus said. “Dumbledore only wanted to ask you. He won’t force you to live here if you don’t want to.”
Sirius scoffed.
“We both know that’s not how it is. This is going to end up just like he wants it to”, he said bitterly. “I don’t know how that man does it, but things always turn out his way.”
Remus couldn’t argue against that, because he knew it to be true, so he stayed quiet, letting Sirius come to his senses so that he could speak again.
“I don’t even know why I’m doing this”, he laughed, without any joy in his voice. “This will end with me agreeing to live here with the Weasleys, just like he wants to.”
Sirius suddenly turned his tear-drenched face to Remus.
“It’s not fair to ask you this, but please”, he began. “I can’t do this, not alone. Please, Moony.”
Remus felt drained of any emotion other than sadness, but he forced himself to smile.
“Yeah, I’ll do it”, he said, gently kissing Sirius’s temple, which made Sirius completely break down into a crying mess.
“I’m a horrible person”, Sirius said. “How can I ask you to live here with me when I don’t even want to do it myself? I’m the most selfish person in the entire world. I was so convinced that Voldemort would suspect me and go after me, that I didn’t even realize that Peter was a traitor. My own hubris got me here. You were right, Remus. It was my own fault that I got into Azkaban.”
Remus stiffened. He didn’t know what to say. What should he say to comfort Sirius, to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault? He still hadn’t let that business from fifteen years ago go. Remus had suspected it, but he didn’t want it to be true so he had never asked, never dared to bring up what happened. Maybe he should have.
“Please don’t say that”, he whispered, his voice barely audible. “It’s not your fault, don’t ever think that it is. What I said was horrible and I didn’t mean it. Listen to me now, Sirius. It was not. Your. Fault. No one could have known that Peter would be the traitor. No one. You shouldn’t blame yourself, because it was nothing you could have done. Ok?”
He fell silent, watching Sirius closely.
“Ok?” he repeated.
Finally, Sirius nodded, but he refused to make eye contact with Remus.
“You’ve been through more than almost anyone”, Remus said gently. “You deserve everything in the world. I love you, and I want to be with you, even if it’s here or any other place. You’re not forcing me to do anything.”
“Are you saying that to make me feel better?” Sirius asked weakly.
Remus shook his head.
“No, darling, I’m not”, he said. “Are you ready to go down?”
Sirius shook his head.
“Can we stay?” he asked, and Remus smiled softly.
“Of course”, he said. “We can stay here for as long as you like.”