Chapter Text
I was going through all the photos I took during the winter break when I came across a solo picture of Donghan. Side profile with a small smile. If I remembered correctly, he was looking towards his cousin who was begging his boyfriend for extra choco pie.
It had been three weeks since Donghan went back home. Which meant it had been three weeks since Donghan asked me to be his boyfriend. Which also meant three weeks since I last spoke to him.
"Be my boyfriend." What? I didn't turn to face him but I knew he could feel my body tensed. There was an awkward silence between us, before he continued. "I know this isn't how it's supposed to be. Heck, this is not what I expected when we started this thing. I thought things would be easier since I've known you for so long and I never had any feelings towards you before. But, when we spent so much time together I couldn't stop myself for wanting something more than what we have now."
"What are you talking about Donghan? We're friends and we have sex. That's all." I made my voice sound unaffected and sleepy when in fact I was wide awake.
"I know we're friends and we go way back. That's exactly why I thought this friends with benefits thing would work out. I thought I could never see you as something more than a friend. But I guess I was wrong. When we started this thing, I just wanted to know how it feels to have sex with you, and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual."
"Maybe you're just confused, Donghan."
"That I sure am. When I first came here, I was just glad we could have sex everyday. But after some time, I started to question myself. How would it feel to not have to sneak in and out every night? How would it feel to sleep and wake up with you in my arms? How would it feel to kiss you and hug you and hold your hand in front of other people? I started to notice how cute you were in the apron when you're cooking in the kitchen, how you would smile brightly when you get food, how silly you were when you're playing with Yohan, how your face would soften every time Daehyeon talk to you. When we watched the ghost movie, I really had to stop myself from wrapping you in my arms to protect you. When we walked to the shop, I tried hard not to hug you to keep you warm. When we ate frozen yogurt, I bit my lips so hard to stop myself from kissing you. When you got your palms burned, I couldn't stop being worried that you were in pain."
He took a pause and shifted a little bit closer to me. I still had my back towards him, not daring to move a single muscle.
"I thought a lot about it. This morning, I woke up thinking I wouldn't be able to be with you this close again till summer and my heart started to hurt. Then I remembered the night before you flew back here. It was the same feeling. The feeling of not wanting to let you go. I want to stay with you. Yongha, I've fallen for you. I love you. I want to make you mine, and mine alone." There was something in his voice. Something like… desperation, longing, sadness? I wasn't so sure as I was too busy absorbing his words. I couldn't find anything to say to him.
There was another silence before I could hear him sigh. I felt him shift again, only this time he left my bed and went out of my room. I still hadn't moved. I couldn’t think.
What the hell just happened?
I remembered the next morning. It was so awkward between us. The ride was filled with Yohan talking about the awesomeness of the winter break and Daehyeon talking about how great it would be if Donghan became a student of our university so we all could hang out more. I was so quiet that Daehyeon asked if I was okay. Luckily it was still early in the morning and they know I wasn't really the nicest talkative person when I just woke up. The truth was, I didn't get any sleep at all last night after Donghan left my bed. Before he checked in, I wished him farewell and offered a hand for him to shake just to get the suspicious eyes of Daehyeon off of me. That was the last words I spoke to him.
I felt my head throbbed. Damn. I decided to rest for a bit and I lied down on my bed. I started to think about Donghan.
I've known him since high school. We always hung out and I was comfortable enough to invite him to my house even without the presence of Seokhwa. Even Changkyun was okay with it. It was all good. Although we might not be the best friends ever, but there weren't any attractions between us. Well, apart from the make out incident, we were always like bros. That was true even after we became friends with benefits. Plus, knowing his history with men, I always thought he would go for the more sassy, bratty rich kids. Why me? I was never attracted to him in that kind of way. Did he think I'd fall for him?
Argh. This is so confusing. It's been a while since I last had someone liking me. I wish I could talk to someone about this. I can't possibly talk to Daehyeon. He'd want to know who the guy was or he won't talk to me. Yohan is a lost cause. I can't talk to Seokhwa. He might not directly pressure me to tell him who it is like Daehyeon, but that kid is smart and sneaky. I would end up spilling more than I should. And I'm not in that kind of friendship with Junseo to have this kind of talk.
Then it came to me. Changkyun.
He should know how Donghan feels right now since he was the one who confessed to me. And he has also been in my shoes, with Hyungwon confessing to him.
Perfect.
I got off my bed and grabbed my phone on my desk. Unlocked my phone and immediately fired up WhatsApp.
To: Changkyun
Hey Kyun . how's it going? u bz?
From : Changkyun
H i Yongha! Everything's good. Not bz. y?
To: Changkyun
C an we talk? I need help
From : Changkyun
S ure. Gimme a moment. I'll get my headphone
A few seconds later, an invitation to a video call came and I accepted it.
"Hey kiddo. What's up? You look troubled." I could see Changkyun with worried expressions across his face. I laughed.
"Hey Kyun. It's nothing big really. I just have a few questions about something."
"Then shoot." He leaned back against the wall and made himself comfortable. I hesitated, before deciding to just go with it.
"Do you remember when you had a crush on me and chased after me until I finally gave in to you?" He chuckled and I could see him nodding his head. "Well, here's the thing. Someone had just confessed to me, but I've always seen him as a friend. We hang out together and stuff, so I just can't think of him as something more than a friend. We got too comfortable with each other that I'd never thought we’d be together." I looked at Changkyun. He leaned forward.
"Before you proceed, this someone you're talking about, it's Donghan right?" I must have dropped my jaw to the floor by the way he's laughing at me now.
"How… How do you know?"
"Well, I'd seen the way you interacted with him on our last day at the beach getaway. I mean, aside from the 'glow' on your face, there was just something else. It's not that obvious, but let me remind you I didn't spend 3 years with you for nothing." I was my turn to chuckle. I guess that's probably right. "So, he finally confessed?"
"Yeah. But there's something else. You were right about the 'glow', but that night we had made a deal. We became friends with benefits." I saw his eyes widen a little. "We've been friends for some time, and he proposed the idea to me when I told him I wasn't into relationships but I won't sleep around when I need 'that'. I initially thought he was crazy, but then I accepted since that'd be the best option for me. So that's how it all started." I paused and he gave me a few nods to make me continue.
"We had 'that' whenever we needed to. I really thought it was convenient for both of us. Then when he came last winter, we went at it like bunnies. We had to convince Daehyeon and Yohan that our neighbors were to be blamed for the strange noises in the middle of the night. At first, everything was just fine. We were friends during the day and we fucked at night. He left my bed when we're done and when we got up in the morning, it's almost like nothing happened. But towards the end, he seemed to be a little more affectionate. Well, it's not something too obvious and he didn’t do anything in front of the couple, but I felt like he wanted to get closer. Then on his last night he confessed to me and asked me to be his boyfriend. And I haven’t talked to him ever since because I don’t know what to say. Heck, I don’t even know what to think of it."
"So you came to me to ask me what to do?"
"Well, yes, but I also wanna know what he sees in me and how he would feel about this whole thing. I thought you'd know."
"I'm pretty sure we'd see you in different ways. When I first knew you, I was only attracted to your cool aura. The aura saying 'I don't give a shit, so scram!'. I didn’t know who you were underneath the poker face. So I came to you just because you were a cool kid with cute face. He, on the other hand, had the advantage of seeing everything when you guys were just friends. I know how different you became when you were just friends or when you were in a relationship. Just take us as an example. You become yourself when you're with your friends and with me when we broke up. Back when we were a couple, you did be yourself but in a different way. But that's why I love you. And I'm pretty sure he loves that about you, too."
"But, how can something change so quickly? One minute we're fucking bunnies on energizer who don't give a damn about feelings, then suddenly he's fallen for me?
"Do you really believe he just 'suddenly' fell for you? Why would he ask you to be his fuck buddy if he doesn’t feel comfortable with you? Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, he had liked you for longer than you, or even he, know?"
That last one left me dumbfounded. What? I never thought of that.
"By the look on your face I figured you hadn’t really thought about that, huh? Haha. You're so obvious. Yongha, I think you should probably talk to Donghan. I'm pretty sure he's dying over here. You don’t have to accept him right away, but you could probably give him a chance to at least show you that he really meant what he said. I love you, kiddo, and I think it's about time you to give yourself a chance. It's gonna be worth it, okay."
After talking for a bit more and thanking him and making sure he won't tell anybody, we bid each other farewell. Sometimes, I felt like breaking up with Changkyun was one of the best things that could happen to me. Loving him doesn’t mean we have to be lovers, and he's the best I could rely on. Lucky Hyungwon.
Somehow my head felt a bit lighter. I took a deep breath and started typing.
To: Donghan
Hey
Typing...
Typing...
Typing...
From : Donghan
Hey
This is awkward. What do I say to him? Should we video call? No way. I don't want it to get more awkward. Oh well, here goes nothing.
To: Donghan
How's it going?
From : Donghan
Good. How are u?
To: Donghan
I'm fine. U got time?
From : Donghan
Yeah. What's up?
To: Donghan
It's about what u said before u left
From : Donghan
Oh. Right
To: Donghan
Do u really mean it when u said u love me?
From : Donghan
… Yes
But I understand if u don't feel the same way
And if u're gonna reject me now
To: Donghan
No
That's not it
I still don't know whether to accept or reject
I just need to ask u something
From : Donghan
W hat is it?
To: Donghan
How long have u liked me?
I know that feeling doesn't come overnight
You can't possibly turn nothing to love in a split second
From : Donghan
Well
I didn't notice it myself
But when I think about it
I might have liked you since we first met
We met each other when we were already dating other people
I never really told you the reason why I broke up with my-ex
He suspected something going on between us, bcos we spent lots of time together and he caught me looking at u several times
That's why he left me
Oh, this is new. I never really dig into why they broke up, and he never told me anything, either.
From : Donghan
Then when I first kissed u at ur old apartment
It wasn't bcos I missed him or to proof who's boss
I just wanted to kiss u, to feel how it is to be Changkyun
And to convince myself that I don't like u
I did feel something from that, but I just dismissed it as nothing
I mean, even if I did like u, u were with Changkyun
And I know how much u guys love each other
And I don't want Seokhwa to kill me if he knew that I like u
I told myself that's just a phase, a rebound after my ex
Oh.
From : Donghan
Then when we met again at the airport
I was really happy to see u
Esp when u told me u and Changkyun broke up
I really thought u guys would stick to each other
I started to get more curious about u
I mean, u broke up with him bcos u didn’t want commitment
T hen u became best friends with him like nothing happened
I was actually glad that u were single bcos I could finally do it with u
I wouldn't do that or ask u to be my FWB if u already have someone else
I was happy that u accepted that
I guess at first I thought I was happy bcos I have a fuck buddy
And I don't have to try hard to score anymore
But when I thought about it, I was glad we did that bcos I finally have u
I mean, if I only wanted sex I could just ask anybody near me to be my FWB
But I chose u even tho I know we would be separated
Oh.
From : Donghan
I guess I broke all of my rules, huh?
I fell in love with u and I wanted more from u
I'm sorry things turn out this way
Wow. I could never have guessed. He was never obvious.
To: Donghan
Don't be sorry
When u confessed to me
Weren't u afraid that I'd reject u?
You knew I don't want any commitment and I only accepted the deal bcos it's convenient for us
From : Donghan
I was aware of that. I knew if u rejected me I'd lose u forever.
I thought about it a lot
But as we spent more time together, it became harder for me to shut my feelings down
It became harder for me to leave your bed at night
It was really hard to pretend nothing happened
The further we go with this deal, the more hurt I'd get
That's why I confessed
It's all or nothing
To: Donghan
Hmm
I understand now
But I have to say, this is all too sudden for me
To accept u straightaway is weird
I've never seen u as more than friends
But I couldn't just reject u, that'd be unfair for you
That's why I took 3 weeks to think
So…
Can u give me some time to get used to this transition
And to accept u in my heart?
No reply. Did he not like this idea?
From : Donghan
Yes yes yes yes
Of course Yongha
You can take all the time u need
I was really afraid you'll reject me tonight
Thank you thank you
I would really kiss u if u're here right now
You have no idea how much u made me happy Yongha
LOL. I wish I could see his face right now. He must be beaming and grinning like an idiot.
From : Donghan
So, are we boyfriends now?
Boyfriends?
To: Donghan
... Yeah
That's what we are now.
He is my boyfriend, and I'm his.