Work Text:
Boku no Hero Academia is the creation and intellectual property of Horikoshi Kohei and Shueisha.
Heartwarming My Hero Academia Crossovers.
My Cause.
Ever since I arrived to this world, I've lost my way.
Falling through that dimensional hole while fighting the Beyonder was the worst thing that could have happened to me. And to think, at first I believed it was the best. I thought I had found my place at last.
A place where everyone, or almost everyone, was born with a superhuman gift. For all intents and purposes, they are mutants. My people. They are gods when compared to the petty flatscans of my universe.
And yet, this place is no better than the one I left behind. There's still just as much crime if not more, they are just as close minded and selfish, even those who would play 'heroes'. They didn't ascend to any higher level. There's still greed and pettiness and shameless lust for fame everywhere.
My utopia never came to pass.
I turn off the television, where All Might has just finished another battle against evil, and I retreat into the bedroom of this cheap apartment I have somehow purchased.
I could teach them all. But my spirit is broken. I'd have to fight them all, from both sides.
I remember something Charles told me once. "Eric, your cause only makes sense as long as we are a minority."
My (Hero?) Academia.
The man in the skull mask planted his gloved hands on the desk.
"Hello," he growled. "You can call me Sir, as a matter of fact you should do that no matter what. Introducing myself by name should be useless, as I assume all of you know of me already."
"Yes, well..." Tenya said uneasily, "you are the Taskmaster, America's third top rated killer for hire. As such, I'm not sure what you are doing in this school..."
"Second top rated," the man in the cape growled, composing his white costume with airs of great offended dignity. "Place Deadshot above me at your own peril!"
Tenya had been actually thinking about Cheshire, but he still just nodded without arguing further. If he was there, surely the faculty had its good reasons.
"Regardless, the key word about my line of job is professional killer," Taskmaster expositioned. "I don't just kill for the sake of killing, that's Bullseye! If the pay's good, I'll take the job, no matter who's paying, and your school's payin', 'cause they know there's no better trainer for hero or villain than me! Got it?!"
"Um," Midoriya said, "but, shouldn't you still be in jail or-?"
"Public service!" Taskmaster seethed. "It was either this or the Suicide Squad, and it was either me or Deadpool teaching you this class! Do any of you want Deadpool here?!"
All of Class 1-A shook their heads quickly.
"Alright. Before we start, let's run a list of forbidden topics in this class. Those include Captain America, Skeletor comparisons or jokes, Scarlet Johansson, and her stinkin' Black Widow movie..."
You are What you Drink.
Toga looked at the picture in her hand once again. Why anyone would want this little geek dead was beyond her, he didn't look like he was worth any effort, but it wasn't like she was going to turn the mission down.
Coming all the way to this stuffy school had actually been more fun than she'd expected, and the food certainly was great, but it was time to get to work. According to the intel she'd gotten, the kid and his closest students often took this path through the woods to attend some kind of club meetings. She'd just jump onto the first girl she'd see, take her appearance, and use that to get close to the target, that should pose no problem at all.
Eventually, a girl passed by under her, whistling to herself and marching without a care in the world. Toga recognized her as the one with several NO- NOT THIS ONE- DO NOT APPROACH- ABSOLUTELY NOT notes written around her picture, but eh, it was getting late and being here was boring as hell.
With a short, raspy chuckle, she let herself drop on the small blonde girl.
"Uuuuu! Uuuuuuu!" the stranger said, once again squirming under the bedsheets and trying to get away from the window.
Sighing, Konoe Konoka walked to the window and closed the blinds, cutting the entry of the sunlight.
Negi looked at Evangeline. "Are you really sure you have no idea why she attacked you, Master?"
"How should I know, she's too young to be someone I used to know back then!" an exasperated Eva said. "And I have no idea why she'd try to drink my blood if she's not a vampire! I mean, anyone with passing actual knowledge of vampires would know of me, and of what happens when you try sucking a Daywalker dry!"
Asuna walked into the room, noisily chewing on a large sandwich of ham and garlic butter. "Sorry I'm late! What's supposed to have happened now?"
Toga shook in pain. "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
Test of Passage.
"We haven't fought the Joker," Bakugo growled.
Deku blinked. "What... What does that have to do with anything?"
"Idiot, no matter what we achieve, we can't be heroes if we haven't fought the Joker!" Bakugo said. "Every hero worth a damn has fought the Joker at least once!"
"Everyone's also fought Doctor Doom, shouldn't we just cut through the bull and go fight him directly?" Todoroki questioned.
"We need a Latverian pass for that, though," Momo reminded him. "Otherwise we cause an international incident, but nobody cares if anyone flies to Gotham and starts a fight."
"They even cut the whole place off the rest of the States for a year," Hagakure reminisced. "Granted, they might have had a point after the plague and the earthquake and all those Joel Schumacher movies..."
Ochako gulped. "H-How many of those heroes have actually defeated the Joker, however? I mean, there's Batman-sama, obviously, and Superman-sama and Sailor V and that guy with the hockey mask, but other than them, don't they always lose and Batman-sama has to bail them out?"
"Surely they just drop their guard foolishly," Tokoyami brooded. "I mean, it is only a man with a skin condition... I wouldn't feel comfortable ganging up on him..."
"I don't like this idea, kero," Tsuyu said. "Even All Might won't talk about the time he fought the Joker, and it took him a month to wash all those awful smells off him..."
"Do you want to keep on being losers who never fought the Joker?!" Bakugo angrily demanded.
"- so I killed them all, maybe I went a bit overboard," Joker shrugged, pointing at all the bodybags they had brought over, "but Batman wasn't coming to rescue them, and I was having so much fun! But then this one managed to beat me," he pointed down, "and we agreed that if I revived them, he wouldn't ever talk on the subject and nobody would ever know that, well, he did it, my reputation would never survive that! That's why I'm calling you on that old favor, let me use the pits already."
Ra's al Ghul blinked, then looked down, perplexed, at 'Grape Juice'. "Did you actually do that?"
Mineta grinned. "And then I forced him to fly me here on his Jokerplane, and we fought terrorists along the way! It was epic, man, epic!"
"... and people ask me why I want to destroy mankind..."
Singin' the Blues.
Toga finished absorbing the blood, feeling quite satisfied with herself...
... and then she became blue all over, with long red hair.
She glared at Ochako, who was frowning and rubbing the back of her neck in annoyance. "Dammit, Mystique! Not this crap again!"
"I was just doing my own business, it's not like I even wanted you anywhere around!"
You are What you Drink, Part Two.
Okay. Fine. This time, she wouldn't make the same mistake. The little blonde girl was off limits for a good reason, after all. Never mind. There were still so many of them around...
One of them was passing under the tree right now. Long light green hair, and such a peaceful expression on her face, that no doubt she was a timid pushover.
So Toga jumped on her.
A few moments later she was supporting both hands against a tree while violently vomiting large amounts of a thick oil.
Karakuri Chachamaru approached her. "Oh, it's you again. I'll take you back to the infirmary, Miss, but you really should stop playing these pranks..."
"I hate Mahora!" Toga screamed.
Crisis in the Cross Campus Corruptions!
Haruna entered their dorm room excitedly. "Girls, girls!" she told Nodoka and Yue. "Get a load of this!" she said, holding a disc in her hand. "I just got this, a new sex tape straight from UA High!"
Yue sighed as their friend rushed towards the computer, inserting the disc. "How much did you pay for that?" she asked Paru. "If you really feel like you had to watch that filth, why not to wait until it's online for free?"
"Capes can kill their scandal videos remarkably fast until they vanish from the web altogether!" Paru said, waving back at them. "I think they've a secret arrangement with Chisame or someone for that!"
Somewhere in a dark city, across a whole ocean and a continent, Barbara Gordon sneezed.
The video started. It just showed a dildo moving back and forth in the air, as a pair of black socks fitting the outline of feminine feet shook along with it.
"Oh my goodness!" a female voice was gasping. "Oh yes! Oh, yes, like that! Oh, oh, ohhhh!"
Haruna scowled and turned it off while Yue and Nodoka just sweatdropped behind her.
Someone to Remind me of You.
"Johnny, I can't help you if you aren't honest with me," Leonard Samson said. "You obviously are very troubled or else you of all people would never have come here. Trust me, nobody else will ever know what you said here."
The tiny, black bat shaped device placed at a corner of the ceiling beeped, but neither of them paid it any attention.
Johnny sighed. "Fine. Fine! It's just, it's so embarrassing! This last week, I went to Japan on a tour, and while there, I fought a few terrorists with the help of some local young heroes..."
"And...?" the green haired man said.
"Doc... Doc, I don't even know how to say it," the Torch shook his head. "Has Ben ever mentioned how last year, some girl called Sue over to see if it was okay for her to use her old codename?"
Over in the Batcave, Robin grimaced. "Okay, so you've just learned the Human Torch is terrified of realizing he's a closet Siscon, what's the point of learning something like that? How could that ever be useful for anything, Bruce?!"
The Batman hushed him, senses fully focused on the gigantic screen. "Anything and everything can be relevant when deploying contingency plans."
"Holy excuses! For God's sake, Bruce...!"
"Shhhhh! He's getting to the juicy, I mean important, parts now...!"
First of Heroes (On your Face, Gilgamesh).
The students of Class 1-A were stunned into silence as they saw the new teacher walk in.
He was short, and hairy, extremely hairy, with only two shiny eyes, a pair of bare feet, two long arms and a big nose poking out his shaggy fur, which made him look like a bipedal animal but not quite an ape. A small bowtie, a tiny leopard print vest, and glasses appeared to be all he was wearing.
"Unga bunga," he said. "Me am Chester-sensei. Me'll be teaching Survival in the Wilderness. That something I know something about. Me been doing that for long time. It been so long..." He sighed deeply, with a faraway look of nostalgy. "Me old timer, you know? Really old timer. Me not as strong as All Might, but some call me oldest hero ever, longest service. Me spend a lot of that frozen, but me guess it still counts."
"But me thinks maybe you should see me as superhero, yes? Maybe you recognize me then."
He pulled a large wooden club out of his fur, slammed it on the floor, and was surrounded by several explosions.
"CAAAAAPTAIN CAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAAAN!"
My Decadent Academia.
Izuku put the Darkenning novel Mineta had lent him down. He stared at the distance for several moments, with wide and fixed eyes full of shock.
He looked at Bakugo. "Katchan... might it be that you are the way you are... because your mother molested you?"
"What? Deku, you idiot! Of course not! If anything, it's because she never touched me!" Katsuki growled.
"... sorry?" Izuku said.
"I mean, have you looked at the size of that bitch's breasts!?" Bakugo said. "I'd have been traumatized if she had touched me and she were a fat pig like your mom, though"
Izuku facepalmed.
"Why do you keep bothering, Midoriya-kun?" Ochako asked.
In the background, Todoroki was twitching.
Quirky: Prototype.
(The Ficlet that Gave the Inspiration for Quirky).
The students of Class 1-A were stunned into silence as the new teacher walked in.
He was really short, barely taller than Mineta, but he was clearly a little boy instead of a freaky midget. He had dark red hair and wore a well pressed dark green suit with a red tie and shiny black shoes. On his back, he carried an old, bandaged wooden staff, for some reason.
He cleared his throat. "Greetings," he said very politely, his voice accented but his Japanese flawless. "I am Negi Springfield, from Wales' Merdiana Academy. I will be teaching your English classes as that language is extremely important in the present time, and several teachers have complained that the only English you have mastered is All Might's stock-"
"What the hell's your Quirk?" Bakugo asked.
Negi Springfield paused, and after several moments said, smiling, "I have no Quirk, but I am a mage instead."
The students stared at him.
After more moments, he laughed. "British humor! Actually, my Quirk is being able of doing anything a mage would be able of doing."
"That is... an oddly unspecifical Quirk," Ochaco observed quietly.
"Sir, may I ask why are all those girls at that window, looking at us from the outside?" Momo pointed at said window.
"They are my former class, from Mahora Academy. They... have grown rather attached to me," Negi Springfield confessed.
"Okay," Iida said, "but shouldn't they still be attending classes of their own right n-"
"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" the tiny green eyed blonde at the window hissed, threateningly, at him.
Iida blinked.
"Little Bro!" Chamo wept, throwing himself into Nezu's arms. "I've missed you so much! You never call! You never answer my calls either!"
"Half of those calls are asking me for bail money, and also please put on some pants already, or I'll have you thrown out of my office."
All Mite.
"You know what, I always wondered," Midnight said, "did you ever have your own Fifth Dimension imp?"
"My... what?" All Might asked.
Eraserhead nodded. "You know, your personal diminutive trickster who altered reality around you, just to test or harass you."
"I'm surprised that you of all people didn't have one!" Gang Orca told him. "They latch onto you, playing with your mind, until you leave your early years behind."
Endeavor growled. "Hideous eldritch abominations who hide under a facade of playful idiocy."
"Mine was a bunny with pink ears calling herself Carrot-chan," Mirko remembered. "Wonder what happened to the tyke."
They all looked at All Might.
The Number One Hero slammed his glass of juice down. "Unlike you, I never took drugs during my youth!"
"Ohhhhh, so that is what it was," Eraserhead hummed. "I always thought it was a symbol of our innocence fading as we all became too grim and gritty."
"I'm seeing mine right now," Mountain Lady said. "Maybe I should stop taking those pills for the stress?"
Man and Superman(ga).
(MEET MY FAMILY!) Manga said proudly. (THIS IS MY SISTER SHOJO...)
(OH! I AM INSTANTLY DRAWN TOWARDS YOUR DANGEROUS AND AGRESSIVE BAD BOY AURA!) Shoujo all but threw herself at Bakugo. (I'LL DEFROST YOUR HOSTILE APPEARANCE REVEALING THE SENSITIVE BISHOUNEN UNDER-)
"Get lost!" Bakugo shoved her aside.
Manga gestured at an older relative. (MY FATHER, SEINEN...)
(BACK IN MY DAY WE HAD ACTUALLY SERIOUS AND THOUGHT PROVOKING STORIES THAT ACTUALLY MADE PEOPLE THINK. BAH! HORIKOSHI? NOT EVEN WORTHY OF LICKING HARA'S FEET! VIGILANTES IS BETTER ANYWAY).
(MY MOTHER, JOSEI...)
(I SHALL STAY SILENT AND QUIET SINCE THE AUTHOR HAS NEVER READ A JOSEI MANGA IN HIS LIFE).
(MY BROTHER, KODOMO...)
"Hi there!" waved Doraemon, but with a black bar over his eyes.
Manga paused before finishing with disgust. (... AND UNCLE HENTAI).
"Dude," Mineta whistled while he and Uncle looked throught the later's stuff. "This is all really twisted...!"
(JUST BE THANKFUL MY BROTHER GURO COULDN'T COME TODAY).
Cucking on Infinite Earths.
Once the threat was dealt with and everyone was happy again, except for all those who were deleted from existence and thusly forgotten, the heroes sat down and shared anecdotes.
Well, the big heroes were in a large table full of laughter and bigger than life stories. The other guys were aside. Not because the other heroes were classist, or anything like that, please try to understand, but, well, the table was not THAT big enough, and some of the less known fellows would be uncomfortable standing too long in the shadow of others, and... well... at least, that was how Iron Man had explained it. Koichi thought he was just being kind of an ass. To his credit, Aizawa had opted to stay with them instead, or perhaps it was just that he thought that was his place?
"Oh, so that's the way it is," Booster Gold said. "Like Superman."
"Yeah, like Superman. I'd get pretty angry if I saw my wife in bed with Green Arrow, but Superman? I would understand. I mean, you know... it's Superman!" Plastic Man threw his hands up.
Darkwing Duck blinked. "... really?"
"You have seen Superman in action just now, right?" Blue Beetle said, while Younger Blue Beetle refilled his glass of drink.
"Uhh, yes, of course, but that doesn't mean I'd let my-"
"You'd let All Might do her, though," Mountain Lady mused. "I wouldn't mind it if my boyfriend slept with All Might." She licked her lips. "Bueno."
The duck's eyebrow twitched.
Spider-Ham sighed dreamily. "My Mary Jane, in bed with All Might, Superman and Captain America!"
"YOU TOO!?"
Aizawa sipped quietly and said, "Good thing the Powerpuff Girls went to the junior table."
"Wanda," the Spawn looked at his hands, stinking all across the place. Mountain Lady pinched her nose again. "How would I deny that from Wanda? I cannot be a part of her life anymore. If her happiness relied on a foursome with All Might, Superman, and that Captain America, who would I be to ruin her life that way? Terry must understand too, he always was a good friend, and a good husband, better than I ever could hope to be..."
El Chapulin Colorado raised a finger. "Yo opino..."
"Shut up," Saitama said stoically, taking a drink.
"But, yo opino..."
"Shut up."
As the talk about the table didn't stop being around the same topic, Darkwing quietly slipped away, clearly troubled. As usual, nobody paid him enough attention to mind.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night, and all of that," he said blandly as he dropped by at the juniors' table.
Deku blinked at him. "Uh, Sir? What are you doing here?"
"Being here makes me feel younger," the duck lied.
"Hey," Buttercup said peppily. "You know who I'd like for a boyfriend? That All Might guy!"
Ashido smiled. "You and everyone else!"
Hawkeye was the guy who kept on sitting at the big table, despite Iron Man's subtle hints that maybe he'd be more comfortable with the others.
An Epilogue:
At the villains' table, Sabretooth put his cup down and asked Shigaraki, "So, have any of you actually managed to sleep with All Might?"
Stay Night at Hero Academia.
Tohsaka Rin looked at her summon circle.
Then she looked at the marks on her hand and sighed.
Kotomine Kirei stroke his chin. "Well, if the Heroic Spirits won't attend your summons for some reason..." he told the angry magi gathered around him, "there is still an alternative!"
"Which is..." Sakura sighed.
Kirei pulled out a colorful pamphlet out and pointed at it, "REJOICE, MAGI! For you still can summon... ACTUAL LIVE HEROES to fight for you!"
Illya blinked. "What."
"Young man!" the blond giant said, standing over the confused Shirou. "I ask of you... are you my Master?"
"Bweh?" Shirou said. Then he looked at the phone he'd dropped while fleeing, and frowned at it. "Huh, it accidentally dialed another number while I tried calling the police. What are the odds?"
"Ah, so you are my Master!" he said. "I am All Might, strongest of all Heroes! What is your name, young fellow?"
"Emiya... Emiya Shirou... Wait, did you say Hero!?"
The Hero nodded vigorously.
"Like a hero of Justice!?"
The Hero nodded vigorously again.
Emiya's eyes shone.
"And you can be a hero too! After we have achieved victory and reached the Holy Grail... I will give you One for All, the Quirk that will turn you into-"
"Holy Grail?"
He shrugged. "It sounds kind of blasphemous, I know, but who am I to talk? I mean, I named myself All Might! That's why I had to leave America, actually. Fundamentalists are fearsome!"
"I really like the sound of this even though it also sounds very bad for me," Shirou said.
Elsewhere:
"And so, we decided we had better things to do with our own existences than senselessly kill each other over a cursed cup, and so we have devoted ourselves to teach children the true meaning of heroism instead," the short blonde told her classroom. "You can call me Saber-sensei..."
The tiny boy raised his hand.
"Yes, ah... Mineta-san?" She looked at the sheet given to her by Nedzu.
"Is it true what they are saying about you, that you have a sister who has really big boobs and-"
"That is my other self, but don't start whining about having me instead or I'll ask being replaced by Prototype me, do you understand?"
My Maho Shoujo Academia.
A whistling breeze blew over the rooftop.
"Sailor V..." Izuku said. "Please, tell me... can I become-"
"Becoming a hero like me?" She smiled, turning away from him. "Of course you can, Young Midoriya. You only need to-"
"No, what I mean is... can I become a Magical Girl like you?"
Sailor V turned back around. "Say. What?!"
He nodded and bit his lower lip. "A Magical Girl! I've always wanted to be a Magical Girl like you, Sailor V!"
"..." Sailor V said. "Gee, Young Midoriya, I don't think you can. It's not a mere matter of-"
Izuku's eyes began watering.
"Hey, hey!" Sailor V was quick to calm him. "Even if you can't be a Magical Girl, you always can be... a girl!"
Izuku blinked. "Really?"
"Ah ha ha ha, y-yeah!" the heroine said. "Today, that's not a big deal, and hormone therapy does wonders, or so I heard, and-"
He smiled widely. "Thank you so very much, Sailor V!"
"So it's all YOUR fauuuuuuuuuult...!" Usagi roared, and began strangling her.
"How, how would I know this was going to happeeeeeeen!" Minako whined as she was strangled.
Oblivious, Mamoru and Izuku-chan kept on kissing.
"I'm not an homophobe, but this is messed up." Ami said quietly, staring on. Rei, Makoto, Luna, Artemis, Ochako and Bakugo all nodded, dumbfounded.
Dorky Superhero Fans.
"Magical Girl Mimiru!" Magia Baiser said.
"All Might!" Deku said.
"Darkwing Duck!" Darkwing Duck (2017) said.
"Sailor V!" Sailor Moon said.
"The Magus Killer!" Emiya Shirou said.
"The Thousand Master!" Negi Springfield said.
"Captain Marvel!" Ms. Marvel said.
"The Gray Ghost," Batman said.
They stared coldly at each other, then all bumped fists together and laughed.
Standing at a distance, the others watched on.
"It's so creepy, to see him like that," Robin said.
"He's got a terrible taste in heroes," Saber said glacially.
"Usagi's is excellent!" Sailor Venus crowed.
"He can't call himself a fan, my All Might collection is much better!" Bakugo foamed off the mouth. "Fucking Deku, you don't even have enough money to pay for half the merch I own, you fucking poser!"
Evangeline took another spoonful of icecream. "This is just plain pathetic," she droned.
"Awww, aren't you cute," Launchpad patted her head, "Gosalyn, Webby, Lena and Violet will be happy to- AAHHHHHH! MY HAND IS ICE! MY HAND IS ICE?"
Kiwi sighed and drooled out a corner of her mouth.
Miles slowly edged away from her.
"Say, Baiser...?" Sailor Moon blinked during the team hug. "Is that your hand on my butt?"
"Maybe."
My Incredible Academia.
They sat on a rooftop, overlooking the city.
"Do you see now?" Buddy finally asked, gesturing wildly. "I was right all along! When everyone's Super, nobody will be!"
"What are you talking about?" Bob asked. "They are all Super. That is the point. That is also why it's all so messed up, but-"
"No, no, you still don't understand at all!" Buddy said with irritation. "They aren't Super! Not where it counts. Not where it counts." He put a hand on his own heart.
Bob sighed wearily. "You've never had anything at all there, Bud."
"That's not a counterpoint."
"I'm only saying that you still don't understand people."
The two lost men kept on looking down in silence.
"Out of all people to get stranded with in another world..."
Cartoon Hero.
"There is a way, actually," the duck said after a moment. "Let me tell you a secret of our community, but you've gotta promise you'll keep it."
Izuku blinked. "Uhhh. Sure thing. What is it?"
The duck reached into a pocket of his purple cape and pulled a small bottle and spoon out. "This," he said, "is the stuff we are made of."
"Why would you carry something like that on you?"
"What do you think is the real reason we regenerate so fast? If we receive too much damage, we can help our recovery factor by gulping some ink down. Now open wide!"
Izuku flinched at the colorful spoonful held before him. "Is... Is that safe? Will I become a funny animal... no intent to offend, but..."
"Is Elmer Fudd an animal? Is Gaston? You know what, don't answer that last one. Be a good boy and swallow!"
"That sounded very dirty," Izuku said, while also trying to keep his mouth stubbornly closed, "and I'd rather try All Might's method and- Ahhhh!" he yelled as Darkwing stomped on his foot. Darkwing pushed the spoon into his mouth.
"Now this what we'll do for training!" the duck said happily, loading a safe on the catapult. "You are to dodge them. If one of them lands on you, don't worry, that also counts, as it builds your endurance up!"
"Oh dear," Izuku said.
"BOMBS AWAY!"
"Gyaaaahhhh!" Izuku jumped out of the way.
"Well done!" his sensei said, loading a kitchen sink on the catapult. "Don't worry, the beach is full of junk, so we have ammo for all day long!"
"When is the part when you teach me how to pull giant mallets out!?"
"I'm not Bugs Bunny, kid!"
"You... You survived that?!" Shigaraki gave a step back. "But how!?" He looked at his hand. "Nobody could survive that!"
"It wasn't Dip. Was it?" Deku asked him humorlessly.
"Dip? What the funk is Dip- Wait, something is censoring my dialogue? What the goshdarn?!"
Deku punched him in the face.
Much, much later, Deku got up, staring up at All for One.
"Impressive. You won't fall no matter what. Still." The villain spread his arms open. "Look around us. All of your friends have fallen. It is only a matter of time until you do too. What do you have to say to that, hero? What can you say in the face of impossible odds?
Deku snorted and raised his fists. "Let's Get. Dangerous."
"And that," Deku said, "is how I became the world's greatest superhero."
"Okay," his son said, "but all I was asking is, how was I born?"
"The stork brought you," Ochako said from the kitchen.
"Mom, please...!" the child whined.
"No, she's absolutely right," Deku said.
Toga Himiko Auditions.
"Ah... Ochako-chan..." Tsukuyomi read from the script. "I love you so much..."
She stared at Ochako's nervous face, and then at the director. "I'm sorry, she doesn't inspire me. Maybe you should rewrite my attraction for Yaoyorozu-han? She reminds me a bit of a bustier Setsuna-Oneesama..."
"NEXT!"
"Heee heeee!" Harime Nui giggled. "Oh, Ochako-chan! I'll gladly skewer you and splatter your blood all over the ground...!"
"Gaaahhhhhh!" Ochako said.
"Too much! Too overboard!" the director shouted. "No!"
Nui huffed. "It's just that I'm from the Trigger school! There they teach us to really emote!"
Elizabeth Bathory dragged an empty bathtub into the stage.
Ochako eyed the tub nervously.
"It doesn't seem you have understood the point of the scene," the director told Bathory.
She scoffed indignantly. "Who needs you anyway, I have Fate money!"
She walked out dragging her tub along.
Carnage walked in, wearing a blond wig.
Ochako turned around and ran away screaming.
"No!" the director said.
"But you can't force me back to the Sony Cinematic Universe! That would be too cruel!" Carnage said.
In the end they just grabbed a random crack addict girl from across the street, who would often sit by the gates of the studio.
She was perfect!
The Resume of Tomura Shigaraki.
"Okay, gang, let's split," Fred suggested. "Velma, Daphne, you'll come with me. Shiggy, you and Scooby will check the kitchens."
"Rokay, Reddy!"
Shiggy growled under his breath.
"Rikes, Riggy!" Scooby Doo said. "Rhe Rhost of Rhe Rhotel!"
"... screw this noise," Shiggy said, walking to the ghost, touching him with a hand, and Decaying him.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Velma walked in. "Jinkies, Shiggy, I knew the Ghost was just a man in disguise trying to scare us! But now we'll never unmask him and learn his identity!"
Shiggy stared blandly at her.
Velma turned back into Toga and pouted. "I mean, it would have been fun, figuring it out."
Scooby looked back and forth between them. "Rhis is rucked up."
"... okay, but what did happen with the blond guy, the redhead and the dog?" Spinner asked.
"Do you really want to know?" Shigaraki asked.
"... I guess we all had to make our way here one way or another. Never mind."
Bizarro.
"Greetings, young heroes," All Might waved to the audience. "Today we'll be addressing the issue of Bizarros! As everyone knows, really wily villains with advanced science will often try cloning heroes so they can have powerful minions for their dastardly enterprises! However, since the True Heart of the Hero is impossible to duplicate by evil, and because cloning technology is so tricky, most often they just end up with slow witted Bizarros!"
"A Bizarro is an imperfect copy of a hero. They are easy to tell apart because they tend to behave like the complete opposite of their heroes. Behold!"
The video shifted to Bizarro Bakugo, shifting a foot around and blushing adorably, his gaze downcast. "Me... Me am sorry. Bizarro Bakugo have been bad... Bizarro Bakugo will do best to help you from now..."
"Some Bizarros are also known to speack backwards, so when they say 'good' they mean 'evil' and so on, but that's a bother to write and you'd just get confused," All Might handwaved the issue. "Bizarros also have craggy faces, with bad skin and blocky features. Although there are exceptions..."
Bizarro Mineta smiled chivalrously. His perfect white teeth glinted. He flexed on his chiseled arms, and all girls in the audience swooned.
Bizarro Mineta seemed to take notice of that and blushed. "N-Now, ladies, p-please no get wrong idea..." the towering hunk said. "Me, me am just trying to show importance of being in good shape... L-Lewd thougths are bad..."
"I know, your hearts are caught in the icy snare of terror!" the Symbol of Peace said. "But you must be used to the idea of Bizarros! Generally, for all their differences from their source heroes, they share the same powers they have, although this isn't a general rule either."
He gestured towards a microscope, leaning on it and looking through it. The footage showed Bizarro Mt. Lady, waving up while riding an amoeba.
"Wheeee!" she said. "This am fun!"
"Bizarros also tend to be stupid, self defeating and easier to trick than even the dumbest Nomus, but don't lower your guard!" All Might wagged a finger. "They can be full of surprises!"
Bizarro Mina was shown in black and white footage, wearing a fine white suit with glasses, and ordering a group of henchmen around.
"If you ever see this young woman, please keep your distance and call us on the double," All Might said seriously. "She is the rising biggest brain of the underworld, taking over several factions with frightening ease, and her mental prowesses are second to none's..."
Mina's voice came offscreen. "What, what is all of that supposed to mean about me!?"
"Please don't be too harsh on Bizarros," All Might asked us. "They aren't really evil, for the most part. Most of them are wayward souls manipulated by those around them. When routed up, we just put them in these special rockets," he pointed at a subscreen showing a sleek spaceship, "and shoot them into Bizarro World, a happy haven for their kind, where they can play their delusions without hurting anyone!"
Aizawa and Nedzu were watching the video in the office of the Principal. "We aren't ever going to tell him that we just shoot them into the sun, are we?" Aizawa asked.
"You just look at his face. How could we break his heart like that?"
All Might gave a thumbs up. "So that's today's lesson! Tomorrow, we'll be talking on the topic of Sentinels, and how they hunt everyone with a Quirk but that's no reason to turn against the Quirkless! In the meanwhile, Young Would be Heroes... Have no fear, All Might is around!"
End of Video.
Bizarro Deku foamed off the mouth. "How'd you dare no mentioning me, old fucking old fart! Me gonna fucking find and kill you piece by piece, bit by bit! Me always hated you with all heart, you has been, you miserable dingy shitty excuse for a-"
End of Video!
The Silver Age.
Sir Nighteye walked by past and then went back on his steps.
Izuku had fallen asleep on his desk, with an old, open comic book by his side.
Nighteye picked it up with a frown. Oh, it is THAT one...
'Not a dream!' the cover proclaimed. 'Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story! This issue... All Might marries Nighteye to a gorilla!'
He bristled. How much I hated that stupid monkey...!
My Lobo Academia.
He had to step out. He had to step up.
There was nobody else left, and he had stood back long enough.
True, they had locked him up as soon as he had learned about it, for his own safety they'd said, so he had an excuse, but even so! He should have found a way out much earlier, was he slipping that much?
"Hey, you," he said. It didn't matter anymore, he already was out and he would fall fighting.
The huge white skinned man in black leathers turned around, dropping the groggy Deku after rattling him one more time.
He looked at Toshinori with those evil red eyes, and gave his smoking cigar another bite. "What is it, freak?! Don't see the Main Man's busy here!?"
Toshinori put his fists up. "Enough of your vile savagery! I'll make you pay for all you've done!"
The villain blinked. "What?"
Toshinori seethed, making his way towards him. "You've just brutalized pretty much everyone I've ever cared about, do you think I'm just going to let that slide, you monster! Think again!"
The man flicked him in the forehead with a finger and sent him falling on his behind. "Ouch."
"This ain't been my day," the biker sighed, rolling his eyes back. "I mean, it was fun!" He gestured towards the landscape filled with beaten up heroes and villains. "But it doesn't get me any closer to my pay!"
Toshinori struggled back to his feet. "Your... Your pay? Who ever hired you to do... something like this!?"
"A signal was sent from this mudball," he pointed down to the ground, and so to Earth, "callin' for professionals to snuff some All Might dude. They said he was the best fraggin' bastitch in this crappy planet but I see they were full of it! Been blastin' dweebs all day long and the coward still won't show up!"
Toshinori blinked and exhaled. "Is that it? All Might has been dead for a while now."
"Really!?"
Toshinori nodded. "Yeah. He died in his final fight with his archenemy, All for One..."
"You mean I've been lookin' for a dead dude all this time!?"
"Guess so..." Toshinori said.
The biker facepalmed. "Just my rotten-" He put his fingers on his mouth, whistled, and a flying motorcycle, all black with a large skull on its front, flew down.
He hopped up on the vehicle and laughed. "No matter, like I said, it was fun anyway! See y'around, Clyde! I'd snuff ya but I've gotta impression someone needs to clean the place up! HAW HAW!"
He disappeared into the sky.
Toshinori looked up after him and mumbled several colorful words under his breath.
Mineta's head popped up from under the rubble. "What was all of that about!?"
Toshinori threw him a broom. "You heard the man. Let's start sweeping," he said blandly.
Gushing over Pro Heroes.
Izuku sat on the rooftop, with sunken eyes.
A small floating creature appeared behind him. "So you want to be a hero that much, huh...?"
"Deku, this is Magia Baiser and she'll be training you. Magia Baiser, this is Deku, the newest recruit, a villain-"
"Hero," Deku said.
"Sorry. A hero of evil," Venalita told the girl. She made a face, question marks floating around her. "Please show him the ropes, okay?"
"But I can't use the ropes on him," Magia Baiser said, "I only work with Magical Girls, and-"
"Figure of speech!" Venalita said. "Besides, it is time to branch out! An agency of evil cannot keep on working exclusively in the Magical Girl field anymore! Heroes are the rage now!"
The girl sighed.
"So hit them," Utena said, pointing at the bound Midnight, Mountain Lady, and Mirko.
"But... But I can't do that, they are heroes and I've always respected heroes too much!"
"You'll get used to it, it's what I did," Utena said, placing her hand on his and making him swing the whip towards them. The women yowled. "See? It's no big deal, Deku. You'll grow to love it."
Deku gulped. "Promised?"
She smiled and nodded.
Ah, how cute she was.
"We represent the League of Villains," the man made of mist said, appearing behind them. "Your reputation has reached our headquarters and our superior has shown an interest on-"
He, Shigaraki and the Nomu fell silent and stared as Utena and Deku happily laughed together and spanked Tres Magia and 1-A, with Kiwi standing aside.
"I... I never thought doing things with a boy could be fun!" Utena shared, walloping Ochako.
Ochako bit on her tongue.
"What kind of stupid freaks are you? Are you from a circus!?" Kiwi growled sourly at the stunned villains.
Shigaraki and Nomu stepped back in through Kurogiri and Kurogiri quietly ported himself away.
"And that was how I met your mom!" Deku said happily. He and Utena giggled and kissed, while he kept on lashing Bakugo, and she kept on lashing Sayo.
The kids looked at each other and winced.
"When I grow up I want to be a NASCAR pro," the boy said.
"I want to be a lawyer for Hollywood," said the girl.
Aunt Kiwi put her hands on their heads. "Those are wise life choices," she approved.
Epilogue:
"I hate every second of this...!" Endeavor roared, sitting in the dollhouse.
Neroalice put another beautiful pink dress on him.
To be Continued?
Why would you even want that?