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“Look what I found!”
All three of Prompto’s companions flinched, though Ignis managed to keep it relatively subtle. Both Gladio and Ignis looked at Noctis, stood between them with a pained expression on his face.
“Can’t we just-”
“Prompto is entirely your fault, Highness, and as such, you get to deal with the result of his…..discoveries,” Ignis said firmly. “I daresay we’ve both had our turns lately anyway.”
“But I-”
“I got to deal with the flan,” Gladio pointed out. “I was getting goop out of my ears hours later.”
“And I had the newly budded baby Cactaur,” Ignis reminded him. “I was still picking minuscule spines out of my calves three days afterwards.”
Noctis made a mournful sound and looked back towards the clearing near their lakeside campsite, from which Prompto’s gleeful shout had emanated. No shock of blond hair could be seen over the underbrush, which meant Prompto was probably kneeling. Which meant whatever he had found was small, rooted to the spot, or both.
The bushes rustled and a cry of ‘hah, nice try!’ came from somewhere within them. Something small and inclined to escaping, then. Wonderful.
“Off you go,” Ignis purred. “He’s waiting for you.”
“You’re evil.”
“As you say. Now scat.”
Muttering under his breath, Noctis headed into the bushes to find Prompto. It didn’t take that long to locate him- he knelt in the damp grass and leaves near the waterline, grinning at his cupped hands.
“What is it?” Noctis asked nervously.
“Salamanders!” Prompto said happily, holding his hands out. “Look!”
A pair of reddish amphibians wiggled in his cupped palms, all big dark eyes and pebbly skin.
“Oh. Okay, that’s…that’s good.”
“Wanna hold ‘em? I need better photos!”
“…sure.”
——————
“Higness,” Ignis said later that night, using the particular tone of voice that could make grown men cower with nothing more than a raised eyebrow and a word.
“…what?”
“Do please stop fondling yourself during dinner.”
Noctis’ hand shot away from his lap at once and he flushed. “I’m not…it isn’t…Iiiiiiigggggniiiisss….”
“Is there a problem?”
“Erm…uh….no?”
“See that it stays that way,” Ignis sniffed.
After dinner and cleanup, Noctis sidled up to Ignis, chewing on his lower lip. “…hey Specs?”
“Yes?”
“Do we have anything in the first aid kit for…rashes?”
Ignis’ eyebrow rose. “Rashes.”
“Yeah.”
“Where?”
Noctis turned beet red and looked away. “….in my pants.”
“In your- Noctis, is there a rash on your penis?”
Noctis hissed and flapped his hands at Ignis. “Not so loud.”
“Into the tent with you, I’ll see what I can find. When did this start? Wait, don’t tell me….dinner.”
“Yeah. Sorry about that.”
“And I’m guessing it itches.”
“….yeah. Itches and burns a little?”
“What did you get into?” Ignis wondered aloud as Noctis scrambled into the tent. “No one else has- wait. You get your trousers off, I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going?” Noctis yelped, curling up in a ball as Ignis flipped the tent flap open in order to exit.
“Back in a minute. Stay put.”
Prompto was sitting beside the embers of their campfire, nudging them this way and that with a stick while carefully snapping photos. He looked up when Ignis appeared, all sunny smile and bright eyes.
“Hi Ignis! What’s up?”
“Let me see your hands.”
Prompto frowned in confusion, then put his things down and obeyed. Ignis inspected his hands closely, turning them over to check the backs as well.
“Um….Ig? What’s going on?”
“What, exactly, did you catch and show to Noctis this afternoon?”
“Salamanders! Do you want to see? The pictures came out great!”
“….salamanders. Show me.”
Prompto did at once, leaning in to show Ignis the best shots he’d taken. Almost immediately, Ignis sighed loudly and buried his head in his hands.
“….Ig?”
“What did you do after you handled those?”
“Iiiiiii rinsed my hands in the lake, used hand sanitizer, wiped the phone down and…..helped Gladio get wood? Why?”
“No reason,” Ignis sighed, getting back up. “Thank you.”
Promptow watched him walk away, looking decidedly confused.
Back in the tent, Noctis sat crosslegged and naked from the waist down, waiting on Ignis and trying very hard not to scratch.
“Tell me, Noctis…..what did you do after you held those salamanders for Prompto?”
“….what?”
“The salamanders.”
“I…..rinsed my hands in the lake?”
“And then?”
“I….don’t remember?”
“Did you relieve yourself?”
“…yeah?”
“When?”
“I don’t know, some time between then and dinner!” Noctis squirmed on the spot. “Why does any of this matter?”
Ignis fished around in the first aid box, shaking his head. “Because you didn’t actually get the salamander’s slime off your hands, and then you touched yourself.”
“But Prompto is-”
“He used hand sanitizer as well, and whatever is on the wipes he uses to clean his phone. No doubt it broke down and removed the toxins. Here, apply this and let me know if it helps in the next half hour or so.”
Noctis accepted the tube of cream. “You’re telling me I have newt goo on my dick?”
“I didn’t say that, but you can. And go wash up properly after you apply that, there is probably still traces of the slime on your skin.”
Noctis’ despairing whine followed him out of the tent.
———————
Several weeks and rounds of cream later, Ignis looked up from his breakfast preparations when Prompto’s gleeful shout rang from somewhere in the dusty scrub and juniper trees.
“Ignis! Come look!”
“Rather busy, dear,” Ignis called back.
“But you need to look!”
“Gladio, darling, can you go satisfy his need for someone else to validate his findings?”
“Do I have to?”
“It’s your turn and I’m cooking. Scoot.”
Gladio groaned and stumped off into the bushes after Prompto’s voice.
Ignis managed a blissful ten minutes or so before screaming and hollering split the air. He turned the camp stove off, then bolted after the yells, summoning daggers as he ran.
In fact, he nearly ran into Prompto, who was coming straight for camp with wide eyes and nearly no color in his face.
“Ignis!” he gasped. “Come quick, you gotta help!”
“What now?” Ignis demanded, turning Prompto around before they both took off running again.
In yet another of Prompto’s many creature-finding clearings, Gladio was standing very still near a small cluster of rocks and bushes, hands well above his hips and his teeth gritted. He growled as the blonds approached.
“Do not get closer, specs.”
“Whyever not? You were screaming like something was trying to kill you.”
“Something is trying to kill me.”
“….pardon?”
“Look down.”
Ignis looked down, ignoring Prompto’s little dance of distress at his side, and focused on Gladio’s pants.
“Fuck,” he bit out.
Gladio was, in fact, standing on one leg, his right boot against the side of his left knee. The lower portion of his pant leg was loose around the upper of his boot, and it moved as Ignis looked at it. On closer inspection of the dusty fabric- how Gladio managed to pick up so much dirt in the half hour he’d been awake was a mystery- there were three brown-and-grey mottled shapes attached. They wiggled, the motion somewhere between irate and frantic. Tiny tails shook, though they produced no sound.
“They’re stuck,” Gladio said quietly.
“…please tell me there aren’t three baby rattlesnakes buried in your leg.”
“Thankfully no, but two are stuck in the jeans and I think one has at least one fang caught in my bootlaces. I don’t know how to get them off without risking an actual bite.”
“How, exactly, did this happen?” Ignis demanded, crouching to get a better look. He kept well out of potential striking distance, glaring at the wiggly little creatures attached to Gladio’s pants.
“I found the nest,” Prompto groaned. “It was just empty shells, Ignis, I swear! I thought it was really cool and wanted one of you to see and I know there’s no getting Noctis out here for that, and…”
“And he wanted help arranging the shells around for better photos, so I was helping, and…” Gladio gestured at his leg, the rocks and the general area. “There were at least eight of them in the rocks. The rest took off.”
“Well thank the Six you didn’t have your hands in the way, or tighter pants on,” Ignis muttered. “I think…mm. Prompto, I need you to run back to the camp.”
“What? But-”
“I need the heavy gloves and shears from my cooking kit, please. As quick as possible.”
“Shears?” Gladio demanded as Prompto nodded and bolted back to camp.
“The most efficient way to remove them, I should think.”
“…this is going to be so gross.”
———————
“Iiiiiigniss!” Prompto cried from the deep underbrush somewhere outside camp.
“Bollocks. It’s my turn, isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” Gladio chuckled. “Have fuuuuunnn.”
Ignis made a gesture that no one at court would believe he had ever even considered making in his life and stalked away into the bushes.
He found Prompto in a clearing golden with dappled morning light. The younger man was grinning, camera in hand, and for once he didn’t appear to have anything alive in hand.
“Yes?” Ignis asked.
“Look!” Prompto said proudly, indicating a massive tree that was partially uprooted and leaning to one side, supported by its fellows. Its trunk boasted several impressive clusters of orangey gold shelf fungus. “Chicken of the woods, right?”
“It is, yes. A beautiful find, Prompto, but why did I need to see it in situ?”
“I wanted to get some photos of you with them, since the lights so pretty and the mushrooms are so pretty and you’re so pretty.” Prompto beamed at him, an angelic vision with the morning sun lighting up his hair. “Please?”
“Oh. I…that’s…thank you very much, dear. I would like that very much.”
“Do you have a knife on you for harvesting? Or do you need to go back?”
“I believe I’ve got just the thing,” Ignis promised, calling the necessary blade out of the Armigier. He still wore his apron, which would serve as a suitable carrying vessel. “Where would you like me?”
Prompto directed him through several poses before finally asking Ignis to just get on with harvesting while Prompto bobbed and ducked around him, snapping photos of him in the moment.
This worked just fine until Ignis’ knee abruptly broke through the soil beneath it. It dropped a good eight or so inches, causing him to lurch forward and catch himself against the tree trunk.
“What th-”
A cloud of furious insects boiled up out of the hole Ignis had just extracted himself from. Ignis yelped, then swore, then yelped again, scrambling to gain his feet without stepping in the hole he had obviously punched into a nest.
“Ignis!”
“Get the mushrooms and run!” Ignis snarled.
Prompto hesitated, then snatched up the corners of Ignis’ apron and bolted for the camp.
It took Gladio the better part of a half hour to locate Ignis after Prompto ran into camp yelling for help. Leaving Prompto to explain things to Noctis and make sure there was coffee and hot, antiseptic-laced water ready on his return, Gladio marched off into the trees.
When he did find Ignis, the blond was lying in a stream with his head on a rock, more or less submerged. His hair was limp, his glasses were askew, and his expression hung somewhere between miserable and resigned.
“…..still alive, Iggy?”
“Apparently.”
“…what happened?”
“Ground bees.”
“….well shit.”
“Quite.”
The pair returned to camp once Gladio had done a thorough sweep of the area to make sure no lingering swarm had hung around to exact further revenge. As promised, coffee was ready and a pot on the stove simmered antiseptic-scented steam into the morning air. Noctis sat to one side, mechanically inspecting and cleaning the mushroom haul while Prompto very carefully monitored a pan that produced smells of mushrooms, butter and herbs.
“….I swear I didn’t know there was a nest there,” Prompto said softly. “I promise, Iggy, I’m so sorry.”
“You are forgiven,” Ignis said stiffly. “If only because you’ve made me coffee. Were you stung?”
“Only once, on my shoulder. See?” Prompto indicated a smallish swelling on his left shoulder.
“Good. You can finish breakfast, attend to dishes and break down camp while Gladio assists me.”
Prompto blanched. “Assissts you with what?”
“Gonna have to pick all the stingers out,” Gladio sighed.
“….how many?”
“Many,” Ignis said acidly. “They were in my shirt.”
Prompto cringed and said no more.
——————————
[Come see come see come see OMG Noct so CUTE]
Noctis eyed the message on his screen with distrust. It was, after all, his turn again, and Prompto was due for another doozy of a discovery.
“I assume our intrepid photographer has found something?” Ignis asked delicately. He was reclined in a camp chair, allowing Gladio to give him a foot rub while they awaited sunset.
“He says it’s so cute,” Noctis said warily.
“Guess you’ve got to go check it out, then,” Gladio drawled. “You want the kit?”
“Yeah,” Noctis sighed. “It’s in the tent still?”
“Left of the door, dear,” Ignis hummed comfortably. “Good luck.”
Shoulders slumped, Noctis went to fetch the little backpack the three of them had assembled after one too many adventures with Prompto of the Wilderness. It contained, among other things, disposable gloves, a length of rope, zip ties, three sample jars, industrial strength bug spray, a telescoping fly swatter, a telescoping pole for testing the ground, a miniature first aid kit for anything emergent, matches, peanut butter, fishing line, hand sanitizer, itch cream, burn cream and a compact mesh bag. A butterfly net, a hard hat and a folded up trenching tool were strapped to the top.
[On my way. Where?]
[Near the pond, across from those big rocks. Come quietly so you don’t scare anyone.]
[ANYONE?]
[Just trust me!]
Noctis muttered under his breath and forged into the trees towards the pond. He saw Prompto’s hair before anything else and crept up to join his friend. Prompto had his hands clapped over his mouth and was all but vibrating with glee.
“What is it?”
“Shhhhh, you’ve gotta keep quiet. Put the bag down an’ come here.”
“I am not taking this off.”
“Fiiiine. This way. Move slow.”
Ncotis grit his teeth and crept after Prompto through the grass to a semi circle of rocks, where three fat, reddish brown creatures were piled up together. Each had massive paws, thick fur, and little nubbins that would one day be massive horns. One raised its head, blinked golden eyes at the pair, and squeaked.
“Kittens,” Promoto cooed.
“….behemoth kittens?” Noctis asked.
“Yeah, but kittens!”
“….they are awfully cute…”
“I know they’re not totally cats but they’re a little feline and aren’t they adorable?”
Ncotis nodded, leaning in to get a better look. A second kit stretched a paw towards them in a lazy sprawl, rolling onto its side. This revealed its fat, fuzzy tummy and Noctis couldn’t suppress a soft squeal of abject delight.
“Imma get some photos,” Prompto whispered. “You watch my back, okay? I scouted and didn’t see any sign of an adult, though. I’d’ve come back to you guys right away if I had.”
Noctis nodded, lowering the Prompto-kit to the grass. “Go on.”
Prompto began carefully moving around the heap of fur and adorableness, taking photos from every angle he could and occasionally giving soft praise for the sheer perfection of the creatures. Nevermind that each was the size of a good-sized wolf, they had the same good-natured calm of fat, happy babies the world over.
“Okay,” Prompto cooed as he rounded the pile again. “Just one more….I’m gonna try and get a good closeup of their faces, okay?”
“Just be careful,” Noctis whispered. He had his hands jammed in his pockets in an effort to quell the urge to pet all that fluff. As Prompto leaned in for his closeups, Noctis turned to survey the surrounding forest.
Two amber eyes surveyed him from over the rocks. Triangular ears were flattened back against a broad skull, lips peeled back from gleaming white teeth.
“Uh….Promptoooooo?”
“Almost done, Noct. Just a sec.”
“No, I think we gotta go now.”
“Just one more minute.”
“Now, Prom.”
“But I-”
The Behemoth queen put two enormous paws on the rocks and came up to perch atop them, growling low in her chest. The kittens noticed and began squeaking and clambering over each other in an effort to ascend the rock pile and access the swollen teats visible beneath her.
It was the sound that made Prompto finally look up. His eyes grew almost comically large before he raised his camera and took a photo of his impending death.
The Behemoth hissed a challenge. Noctis grabbed Prompto’s collar with one hand and the Prompto-kit with the other, vaguely noting that they had nothing in the kit to deal with attacking megafauna, and ran for his advisors as fast as he could go.
They entered the not-quite camp at a dead sprint, skidding to a halt in the clearing so Noctis could let go of his cargo and bend nearly double, panting.
Ignis shot to his feet at once. “Highness. Prompto? What is it?”
A hunting scream sounded in the trees. All color drained from ignis’ face.
“Was that a Behemoth?”
Something crashed in the undergrowth. Gladio summoned a sword he could wield in one hand and grabbed for Noctis with the other. Ignis grabbed the Prompto-kid, shoved it and a pistol into Prompto’s arms, and grabbed Prompto by the wrist.
“I blame you,” he hissed. And then they ran.
Well after sunset, after a truly ludicrous amount of scouting to assure themselves that the Behemoth and her brood had moved on, Prompto sat sulkily polishing every weapon in their arsenal that wasn’t a Royal Arm while Ignis prepared a later dinner. They’d given up on the night’s hunt, being too exhausted high strung or some hellish combination of both to tolerate any more wildlife for the evening.
“….does anyone want to see kitten pictures?” Prompto asked in a small voice. Ignis opened his mouth to tell him precisely what he thought of this particular kitten pictures when Noctis spoke up.
“…they are really cute.”
Ignis bit back a groan and made a mental note to add a leash to the Prompto—kit at earliest possible convenience.