Chapter Text
Sejanus had dreamed so much of this moment. Where Coriolanus saw him, really saw him and said what his dreams always repeated.
"I want to be with you." With his voice that seemed deeper every day as he held his face in his hands. In a way that makes Sejanus feel like if he was precious. Coriolanus's gaze shone, looking expectant of his answer, almost longing.
Usually in his fantasies this was the beginning. They would be a couple, they would take the big step together, going on dates, and consuming each other's time with talks that would last until dawn. Confessing secrets, letting the other reach inside, to the one place that really mattered: the one in their hearts.
And someday their kisses would be longer, until they had the impression that they needed more. Feeling close, skin brushing skin, and they would have long nights, with sweet mornings where the sun appears. They would be together, looking for each other in the halls, in the corners of the libraries, walking forward together at the University. Supporting each other when everything became difficult.
Then one day in the distant future, someone would kneel down and make an eternal promise. What fun and what a disaster to plan a wedding, they would have so many friends to invite. Agreements to reach to find the perfect balance between the traditions of Two, and those of the Capitol.
Sejanus and Coriolanus. Walking down the aisle together, and they'd barely have the baby talk for the first time. Maybe that's why it hurt so much to Sejanus that Coriolanus only said those words after what had already happened.
That may be why he didn't respond immediately despite Snow's obvious disappointment. And when he did he knew he was stabbing Coriolanus's soul by asking him for time to think about it.
He could see his pain. The rejection he felt at Sejanus's words and he knew it took a lot of self-control for Coriolanus not to demand an answer from him immediately in frustration.
Instead he respected Sejanus's wishes. Which only made him feel more panicked as he noticed how serious Coriolanus was then about loving him and wanting to be with him... It was confusing.
Sejanus dreamed so many times of a world where Coriolanus loved him too. And after a pathetic wedding that made him cry bitterly because of the guilt he felt at ruining the life of the most precious person in his life, knowing that Coriolanus gave his last name to Sejanus and his baby for more than just duty and honor should be comforting. It should make him feel sickeningly happy but beyond the joy, there was a senseless sadness, devoid of logic that made him sob silently in bed.
He wiped away his tears when it was obvious that Coriolanus was curled up next to him. Sejanus remained silent but did not sleep, suffocated by an emptiness that had haunted him since he was a little boy. It was always the possibility that things could be better, less complicated. It was the non-existing possible where he got what he wanted without sacrificing, without falling apart, but Sejanus should learn his lesson by now.
He had the wedding. The baby. And now he could have the man and his love even if it wasn't like he imagined or dreamed. Why was Sejanus still grieving? Why could he never willingly accept the good things that happened to him?
Why did he…? The question did not formulate in his head. Taken by surprise by Coriolanus embracing him from behind. Sejanus only noticed at that moment that not only his face was soaked, but also his pillow, and the tears did not stop that night.
So he turned to reciprocate the gesture, needing to hold on to someone, frightened by his always noisy head, and full of terrible thoughts. Coriolanus was not asleep, was the first thing he noticed, but there were no words, only a silent kiss on his forehead that drowned him more in salty tears. The embrace grew stronger, it almost hurt but Sejanus felt that without it he would turn to dust, like a glass too broken of which there are no shards left to join.
And that may be why, the next day, he accepted without complaint Coriolanus's invitation to go for ice cream. Sejanus knew well that it was a date, no matter how much the proposal would try to seem like no big deal, the way Coriolanus overdressed for a Sunday morning told him so and also his own excitement that made his cheeks flush.
Sejanus did his best in front of the mirror even though his rounder face and the slight curve his stomach was starting to show made him nervous, he tried to quiet those voices.
And he let Coriolanus drag him deeper into the mess with a smile on his lips.