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“This is ridiculous. I never would've agreed to this if I knew he was going to be here!” Vampire Lord Astarion complained. “I have spawn to take care of, you know.”
“Please, I don't want to be here any more than you do!” said a second, bossier Astarion.
“Calm down, you idiots. Despite our differences, we're all here for the same purpose. We want what's best for our Gales.” said a third Astarion, dressed in a plain t-shirt and sweats and looking altogether like he'd rather be skating.
“You don't even belong here! Your Gale isn't even yours, all you do is pine and stare sadly at him,” Bossy Astarion bit back.
“Get off my dick, would you? I'm working on it. It's a delicate situation.” Skater Astarion shifted defensively.
“Besides, pining doesn't mean we care about our Gales any less,” Quiet Astarion chimed in, arms folded tight against a tired body in baggy clothes.
“The pining Astarions are right. We've all had our growing pains. None of us would be where we are today without our poor communication skills and emotional constipation,” Roommate Astarion soothed.
“Oh shut up, you're not special just because you killed a nether brain! You're not even the best of the roommate Astarions,” Other Roommate Astarion—the apparent leader and best dressed of the dozen or so Astarions in his decadent blue gown—spat.
“Just because I'm not going to kill Mystra doesn’t make me the inferior Roommate Astarion. We all would if we could, and not all of us get Elmisnter’s help.” Roommate Astarion countered.
“I am not emotionally constipated,” Skater Astarion interjected. “Why do people keep saying that?”
All the Astarions turned to look at Skater Astarion, who huffed and rolled his eyes.
“Because you need therapy,” drawled Tailor Astarion, sipping an iced coffee and looking terribly bored.
“You do too! You don't get a free pass just because you proposed to your Gale.” Other Roommate Astarion looked pointedly at him.
“I'll have you know we just went to couples therapy,” Tailor Astarion said smugly.
“Not all of us have access to good therapy. Some of us have to settle for Halsin,” Quiet Astarion chimed in.
“Wait, you guys are getting therapy?” Loser Astarion interrupted.
“It's apparently a whole thing you can do when you're not fighting evil gods and an army of mindflayers,” Other Roommate Astarion offered sagely. “It takes forever, though, and it's horribly boring.”
“You'd all be happier if you focused less on all the—blegh—emotions,” Bossy Astarion drawled, sipping blood from a gold chalice.
“Gods, do you know how tacky you look? All that bluster doesn't make up for the fact that you're a lowly spawn.” Vampire Lord Astarion eyed him derisively.
“Getting all high and mighty? Should I remind you that your palace–” Third Roommate Astarion started before Other Roommate Astarion hurriedly interrupted him.
“That's a low blow, and against a fellow Roommate Astarion? We made an alliance.”
“He's barely a Roommate Astarion, and it's only temporary!” Third Roommate Astarion argued.
“You assholes! You said I couldn't join the Roommate Alliance,” Skater Astarion pouted.
“Not because you're a temporary roommate, because you're not a vampire. Honestly, the non-vampire Astarions should have a separate group,” Third Roommate Astarion griped. “They can't possibly understand the rest of us.”
“We don't want to join your shitty alliance anyway, and just because we're not vampires doesn't mean we don't have struggles of our own,” Broke Astarion added. Skater Astarion and Quiet Astarion nodded in agreement.
“It's fine that they're not vampires, the problem is they're all so sad and pitiful.” Nice Astarion observed.
“We're literally right here,” Skater Astarion glared at him. “Like I said, we're working on it.”
Roommate Astarion patted him on the back in solidarity, “Don't worry, you'll get there. I thought I made an awful mess of things and still ended up with my Gale.”
“Excuse you, I'm not sad or pining.” Tailor Astarion butted in. “In fact, my Gale and I just got–”
“We know, you just got engaged.” groaned a chorus of Astarions.
“Oh did I mention my Gale and I got married?” Nice Astarion reminded them, looking like the cat that got the wizard canary.
“Yes,” complained several Astarions.
“Several times,” added Third Roommate Astarion.
“Are we done having a Gale measuring contest yet? We have a whole agenda to get through,” Other Roommate Astarion tried.
“All our Gales are the same size,” Quiet Astarion mentioned helpfully.
“It's a– Gods, nevermind!” Other Roommate Astarion sighed into his hands, exhausted, before composing himself. “First order of business. Making sure our Gales are taking care of themselves. I'll start—I'm encouraging my Gale to reach out to his loved ones instead of trying to do everything alone.”
A few of the cheerier Astarions smiled encouragingly, happy to hear progress being made.
“Uh. I convinced my Gale not to blow up?” Loser Astarion offered hesitantly.
“I did that ages ago!” Nice Astarion rolled his eyes.
“I'm doing my best! These things need to be taken a step at a time.” Loser Astarion defended himself, and the non-vampire Astarions were quick to rally behind him.
“Loser Astarion is right. I convinced my Gale to cry into my shirt and I threw his pack of cigarettes out the window,” Skater Astarion agreed.
“That sounds like a dick move,” Bossy Astarion interjected, bored.
“I mean, I didn't go about it in the best way, but it's a whole thing, you know, and those things will totally kill you.” Skater Astarion said defensively.
“It's a nasty habit,” Tailor Astarion concurred, before looking panicked. “Don't tell my Gale that I smoke! I mean I don't, it was only a few times! And only when I'm super stressed out.”
“Honestly, my Gale could probably use a cigarette. It might help him get the stick out of his ass. Not that he's my Gale.” Third Roommate Astarion added hastily.
All the Astarions rolled their eyes.
“That does not count as taking care of your Gale.” Other Roommate Astarion scolded.
“I never said I wanted to take care of him!” Third Roommate Astarion objected.
“Now that's a vampire I can agree with,” Bossy Astarion smirked.
“Oh don't play dumb. Withers sent everyone the agenda ahead of time,” Other Roommate Astarion reminded them.
The two Astarions fell silent, caught.
“I made sure my Gale got adequate sleep after an exhausting project,” Roommate Astarion spoke up, saving them all from the awkward quiet.
“Wait, wasn't your Gale exhausted from searching the city for you?” Tailor Astarion questioned.
Roommate Astarion waved his hand dismissively, “Technicalities. He’s well rested and now I'm keeping a close eye on him to ensure he stays that way.”
At that moment, Elf Astarion barged through the door, to-go cup of tea in hand.
“Sorry I'm late. I needed a nap after coming back from the fugue plane,” he offered casually, green eyes looking distinctly unapologetic.
“I can't believe you betrayed the vampire Astarions. We were counting on you to bolster our numbers.” Loser Astarion sighed dramatically, miming a faint.
“I told you I was looking for a cure!” Elf Astarion protested.
“Don't be shy, share with the group,” urged Third Roommate Astarion, despite Vampire Lord Astarion's glare.
“Ah, unfortunately it's a result of my Gale getting a little too feisty. I would not recommend it,” Elf Astarion replied, sheepish.
“That's exactly why you need to make sure your Gale is taken care of. If left to their own devices, Gales get power hungry,” Other Roommate Astarion moved on swiftly, eager to seize the opportunity to make his point.
“What's wrong with that?” Bossy Astarion grinned, a predatory display of fangs.
All the other Astarions glared at him.
“I compliment my Gale's cooking, and go to everything he hosts,” Quiet Astarion spoke up, sensing the rising tension.
“Now that's a perfectly reasonable goal for your Gale. I made mine an earring,” Broke Astarion joined in, not wanting to leave Quiet Astarion hanging.
“An earring?” Vampire Lord Astarion raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Weren't you listening? A homemade earring. That's very thoughtful, I'm sure your Gale will love it,” Tailor Astarion comforted.
“My Gale helped make me a necklace and I almost never take it off,” chimed Skater Astarion, eager to support his fellow non-vampires, and maybe a little proud of the necklace.
“And you guys haven't even kissed?” Nice Astarion stared at him in disbelief.
“I'm working on it,” Skater Astarion grumbled, turning away.
“Anyways, I make sure my Gale is very well taken care of,” Bossy Astarion wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“Oh cut it out,” Nice Astarion scolded, “you know explicit discussion is reserved for the end of the night only.”
“You're all no fun,” Bossy Astarion pouted but refrained from further comment, thoroughly chastised.
“You mean we're all sane,” Roommate Astarion shot back.
“Settle down! We haven't even gotten through the first order of business,” Other Roommate Astarion despaired.
“Well we would've if we didn't have to deal with constant interruptions from non vamp–”
“I told you we shouldn't have invited–”
“His Gale is practically neg–”
“–supposed to be for Gale lovers–”
“This is the problem with you–”
“Inferior Astarions–”
“–take that back, you–”
A muffled explosion silenced all the Astarions at once, who looked at each other anxiously before they uttered in sync–
“Gale.”
“Thou hast reached the farthest ends of my patience!” Withers' booming voice rang through the room, made easy by the new, slightly smoking hole in the wall through which a dozen or so singed, sheepish Gales could be seen. “I shall not have thee attacking thy compatriots at mine support group! Begone!”
With a flash of nauseating green light and an aura of disappointment, all the Astarions and Gales were dispersed back to their rightful places in the multiverse.
“I told you we shouldn't have met in person,” Other Roommate Astarion sighed. “Tailor Astarion just showed me how to set up a ‘zoom meeting’. Magical stuff.”
Withers grimaced as much as he was capable of, being mostly skeleton, “I shan't be introducing the Astarions to this internet you speak of. The balance of fate would be most perilously disturbed.”
With that, Withers waved a decrepit hand and banished Other Roommate Astarion back to his Waterdeep and enjoyed blessed quiet once more.