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WELSKNIGHT, ET AL., Plaintiffs, v. HORSE HEAD FARMS, Defendant
Proceedings in the above-styled manner, before the Honorable Whomever We Can Get Up On The Bench, Quite Frankly, beginning in the earliest days of Season Nine of Hermitcraft, in the Spawn Village, and transcribed by Court Scribe @JoeHills.
IN THE MATTER OF: FALSE ADVERTISING, FRAUD, AND UNFAIR BUSINESS PRACTICES
DAY 1:
THE HONORABLE JUDGE RENDOG, hereafter referred to as JUDGE DOG: Ladies, gentlemen, everybody in between, I demand ORDER! ORDER, I say!
[The gallery settles, in as much as a room full of Hermits can.]
JUDGE DOG: THANK you. Friends, we are here today on rather serious business, so I’d ask you all to sit tight and let us get right to it, mkay? Right. So! Season Nine of Hermitcraft has just begun, and, as you know, we have had some TRIALS and TRIBULATIONS on this fine server already. Many of which, we believe—can be traced back to those two fellows right over there.
[The judge points imperiously towards Hypnotizd, hereafter referred to as Hypno, and xBCrafted, hereafter xB, seated behind a rather makeshift table made of some dark oak stairs.]
JUDGE DOG: Do you two have ANYTHING to say for yourselves?
HYPNO: Yeah, I have something to say—why don’t we have a lawyer? They’ve got Wels—[The defendant gestures to the plaintiffs.]—and we’ve got nobody? That’s not fair!
WELSKNIGHT, hereafter referred to as WELS: Uh, Your Honor, if I may?
JUDGE DOG: Go on.
WELS: Thank you. I’m, uh—well, I’ve informed my fellow plaintiffs of this already, but I’d like to make sure the court knows—I’m not actually a lawyer? I’ve worked in law, but that was—that was KINGDOMCRAFT. Their law system is—archaic at best, Your Honor, you know this.
JUDGE DOG: I do.
WELS: That’s pretty much it, I guess. Just wanted it on the record that we, the plaintiffs, don’t actually have an unfair advantage, despite what the defendants might claim in an attempt to weasel sympathy out of the court.
[Court Scribe @JoeHills has noted this in the court document.]
HYPNO: Rude?
JUDGE DOG: Oh, be quiet. Now, Mr. Knight.
WELS: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE DOG: Since the accused have nothing to say for themselves, you may regale the court—what have these FOUL men done to you and yours?
XB: [softly] Wow. Really?
JUDGE DOG: SILENCE! Welsknight!
WELS: Sir. Well, Your Honor, what the plaintiffs and I bring before you today is a case based in Season Eight of our fine server? You see, the defendants, uh, Hypnotizd and xBCrafted, were the proprietors of a business known as Horse Head Farms over the course of the season. Known by their tagline, “The One-Stop Shop for All the Farmables,” Messrs. Hypno and xB dealt in an alternative to the server’s usual currency—they CLAIMED to their customers that they dealt in IOUs. This, uh—this was categorically false.
XB: [laughing] Now, hold on—
HYPNO: What do you MEAN, false? Did we or did we not take IOUs?
XB: We did! And we delivered on EVERYTHING y’all needed from us!
HYPNO: YEAH!
[Your faithful and tireless court scribe must note here that, while the plaintiff is not incorrect in saying the claims of the defendants were false, they were not, perhaps, categorically such.]
REN: ORDER! The both of you, right this instant, or I will rule in Mr. Knight’s favor IMMEDIATELY.
[The defendants both fall quiet, glaring between the honorable judge and the plaintiffs.]
WELS: While Horse Head Farms may have taken IOUs and delivered the requested product, our concern here is what they failed to inform their clientele of. Firstly—did you or did you not auction these IOUs off to the highest bidder?
[The defendants look at one another, blue eyes meeting black, a silent conversation—perhaps even a battle of wills—taking place in raised brows alone. xB sighs.]
XB: We did, yeah.
WELS: Something you had not informed your customers of when they signed said IOUs.
XB: Y’all were told Horse Head Farms would have total control of your IOUs, and you agreed.
[One of the assembled plaintiffs, TangoTek, hereafter Tango, leaps to his feet, clearly impassioned, red eyes ablaze with the fury of a Hermit wronged. The rest of the plaintiffs do their best to sit back as the temperature in Tango's immediate vicinity rises.]
TANGO: That’s nice—YOU STOLE OUR FREAKIN’ SOULS, MAN!
EVIDENCE #1:
[Assembled diligently from participant accounts by your tireless Court Scribe]
“Hypno,” Xisuma began, one fine day—a very fine day, in fact, as it was intended to be the first day of Season Nine of the Hermitcraft server, “D'you think you could help me with something?”
Looking up from his conversation with xB, it was quickly evident to Hypno that something was wrong—the tense set of Xisuma's shoulders wasn't uncommon, especially for day one, but there was something about it that seemed off to Hypno, quietly murmuring to xB that he'd be back before crossing the untouched grass of spawn to stand beside him. “Sure, man, what's up?”
A tilt of his helmeted head bid Hypno to follow as Xisuma strayed further from the loosely assembled group of Hermits, a few conspicuous absences within their ranks. Those absences were what concerned Xisuma as he moved away from world spawn, console access open on the gauntlet of his armor as he tried and failed to wrangle the Hermitcraft server into submission.
“Now, look—I don't want to cause a panic or nothing, I'm sure we'll get it sorted, but, well—we've got some Hermits missin' an' I can't, for the life of me, figure out why.”
Still wrapped up in the code displayed on his arm, green-on-green, Xisuma didn't notice the way Hypno stiffened in his periphery, nor the look he cast back at spawn, counting in his head the assembly and who all they were missing from the pack.
“And you're sure they're not just... starting the season late?” Hypno suggested, though his tone held a tension Xisuma could only think to blame on the same quiet panic he was feeling well in his own chest.
“Maybe, but I doubt it,” Xisuma murmured, frown so evident he could practically hear it through his helmet mic. “Wels or Iskall would be one thing, but—we've got Tango missin', as well. We sort of need him. And he'd have mentioned if he were getting a late start, yeah?”
“Yeah. Yeah, he would have.”
“And beside that—” With a tap and a gesture, Xisuma projected the server console from his gauntlet into the air, line after line of delicate, sprawling code shimmering like green glass. As Hypno peered up at the project, brows furrowed beneath the edge of his dark bandana, Xisuma highlighted a section—the list of players missing from world spawn. “—I've noticed something odd about everyone gone.”
“The same thing?” Hypno asked, squinting. Xisuma enlarged the words, knowing his old friend to be rather stubborn about his mild nearsightedness. “Or...?”
“The same thing, yeah.” Navigating to ZombieCleo's code, Xisuma highlighted something—or rather, nothing. A gap, in Cleo's code, conspicuous and damning. “This spot, on everyone who's not shown up.”
Frowning deeply, Hypno inspected the spot, reaching with gloved fingers to poke at the admin console, scrolling from player to player to discover the same missing chunk of code in each. “And how many of our people is it?”
“Ten,” Xisuma answered. It was best, probably, to leave out that he'd found the same bit missing from his evil counterpart's code, even if it was something Xisuma had noticed, something that made the common thread all the more confusing. Evil Xisuma was meant to be banned from the server, so his absence didn't carry the same weight as any of the Hermits'—but his absence combined with that of ten Hermits, all sharing a similar apparent cause, led Xisuma to believe something strange had happened.
Attempting to unban any of the Hermits with incomplete code, however, had produced no results, and so Xisuma was getting desperate.
“Hm.” Had Xisuma himself not been distracted by his own considerations about the problem, he might have noticed that the tightness in Hypno's tone seemed disproportionate to the severity of the matter at hand—surely being concerned was reasonable, but his voice had pitched up, thin and slightly reedy, as he gave his short, considering hum, jaw jumping and eyes glued to the messy code. “Mind if I grab op so I can keep looking over this?”
“Hm? Oh, no, not at all,” Xisuma replied, tapping out a short command and watching the many lines of code shift to accommodate the change. “Let me know if you come up with anything?”
“Of course! Of course.”
EVIDENCE #2:
“xB!”
Blue eyes flicked up from xB's comm as Hypno approached, an edge of tension in his smile that xB couldn't help but arch a brow at. Rather than answer xB's silent question, however, Hypno curled a hand around his wrist, tugging the other Hermit to follow him towards the treeline and, with it, a modicum of privacy, where xB repeated himself, this time aloud.
“What's happenin', man?”
“We're in trouble,” Hypno hissed urgently, fumbling for his own comm as xB blinked at him, bemusement tugging at the corners of his lips.
“Who's we?” he chuckled, only to flinch back from a faceful of finger, Hypno's pointing—well, pointed, as he brandished it under xB's nose.
“You and me. Horse Head Farms. We,” Hypno stressed, clicking away until he could display to xB the same isolated chunk of code Xisuma had shown him, the list of names that xB turned to, head tilting slightly to study it.
“We ain't Horse Head Farms anymore. Those days are done,” xB murmured, scanning the nigh-indecipherable strings of code. There was a reason he was not an admin, nor interested in using the server's op permissions very often. With a sidelong glance, he tacked on, “'Less you wanna get started again.”
“No, I don't wanna start again—look, just—look, okay?”
“I'm lookin'! Don't know what I'm lookin' at, but I'm lookin'.”
Hypno groaned, scrubbing a hand over his face before asking, “Have you noticed anyone, I don't know, missing, at spawn today?”
“Yeaaah,” xB hazarded, glancing over his shoulder at the Hermits milling around before looking back to the code. “These guys, actually. I just figured they were—”
“Late, right?” Hypno finished, waiting for a little nod before he continued, “Well, they're not. Xisuma says he doesn't know why they're gone—that none of them said anything, and that their code's all missing something.”
A few swipes and he'd highlighted the gap in the ten players' codes, conspicuous blanks that xB stared at, understanding slowly beginning to dawn on his face the longer he considered the names.
“Oh, sunuva—dangit!”
DAY 1, CONTINUED:
JUDGE DOG: So you KNEW, immediately, what you'd done to your fellow Hermits?
XB: Well—
HYPNO: “Knew” is a strong word. And “immediately.”
XB: We mighta had an inclination.
PEARLESCENTMOON, hereafter PEARL: An INCLINATION you took our souls?
HYPNO: Wh—hey, “took” is a VERY strong word, and NOT representative of our practices at Horse Head Farms!
PEARL: What d'ya mean, NOT REPRESENTATIVE? Did you have our souls or not?
XB: Ain't Wels supposed to be speakin' for y'all? I don't think we have to answer that, Hypno.
PEARL: EXCUSE me?
JUDGE DOG: Ms. Moon, PLEASE. Order. We will get to the bottom of this, I SWEAR IT.
[Court Scribe @JoeHills notes here that, while Pearl may not be the chosen spokesperson of the plaintiffs, she raises a fair question, which the aforementioned scribe would also prefer to see answered and added to the court record.]
HYPNO: [huffing] We didn't TAKE anything. We were GIVEN souls, in return for goods.
XB: It's standard IOU practice.
ZOMBIECLEO, hereafter referred to as CLEO: [laughing incredulously] It is ABSOLUTELY NOT.
XB: It was for us! We needed SOMETHING to make sure y'all stuck to the end of your deals. What if you'd tried weaseling out when the auction came?
CLEO: Then we would have been SANE and RATIONAL people for doing so!
[The court here pauses to consider whether sanity and rationality are, in fact, things that must be taken into account in this case. The results of this consideration are inconclusive, and dismissed as factors in the proceedings.]
JUDGE DOG: So—let me get this straight—you took IOUs from customers as payment, without telling them of the full scope of the debts they would be taking on, including both the auctioning of said IOU and all attached responsibility—as well as their freaking SOULS?
HYPNO: I don't see why you're acting like we came out on top! We made, like, no profit!
XB: [muttering] Those auctions were a FLOP, man. We shoulda just sold the stupid farmables.
CLEO: [smugly] I wonder why.
XB: You—
[The defendants share a long look, once again communicating their intention with a complex language of blinks, eyebrow arches, and the occasional head tilt, before Hypno gives a firm nod and turns towards the judge.]
HYPNO: Actually, Your Honor, we'd like to countersue?
WELS: What.
PEARL: You can't do that! Surely they can't do that!
CLEO: Countersue WHO?
XB: Well... It WAS the castle people that decided to come screw up our auction and run all the prices down. Pretty sure that's corporate sabotage.
HYPNO: Mm-hmm! And—AND! They didn't even USE them. They just took all our merchandise, severely undercut our auction, and then let our finest products ROT. Surely we CAN sue for that.
CLEO: [rising from their seat] I'll show you a countersuit, you little—
[As the court descends into chaos in an attempt to prevent ZombieCleo from strangling the defendants, your faithful court scribe @JoeHills, former member of said castle folk, is here to note that, rather than corporate sabotage, the penny auction is actually a noble act of working-class resistance and a shining example of collective action, most notably enacted during the Great Depression, in an effort to return foreclosed property to the hands of the people. By intimidating higher bidders out of bidding, the people of a town could return both property and autonomy to their neighbors, who had it stolen from them by the greed of the banks, as well as depriving said bank of the profit they sought from the act of auctioning a family's stolen land. In a similar fashion, by keeping the bids on the Horse Head Farms IOUs low—]
JUDGE DOG: JOE! Will you PLEASE lend a hand!
COURT SCRIBE @JOEHILLS: Hm? Oh, sorry, right—
[With a few more hands, the court is returned to some semblance of order.]
CLEO: [disheveled] They CANNOT countersue.
JUDGE DOG: Well, I mean—uh. I actually don't know? Whether or not they'd have a case here? Welsknight, do you have any insight?
WELS: I think—and now, don't quote me on this—I think TECHNICALLY, underbidding on their auctions could count as sabotage? But—
XB: See? Told you.
WELS: [louder] BUT. Since I happen to know that not all of their auctions were bought by the castle people, and that they did, in fact, meet at least the minimum bid on all their listings, I would NOT say they have the legal grounds to blame Joe and Cleo entirely for the failure of their own scheme here, no.
JUDGE DOG: I think we can all accept that. Motion for countersue-age denied.
HYPNO: WHAT!
XB: Now, that ain't right.
HYPNO: Can we get a lawyer here?
XB: [under his breath] And a new judge, while we're at it.
[Court Scribe @JoeHills indicates the defendants may procure representation in this matter, if they feel incapable of representing themselves, but the court doesn't actually have anyone on hand at the moment, as they barely were able to scrounge up a judge on this fine morning, who is definitely not being replaced without good reason. Another long, silent glance is exchanged between the defense, a nod from Hypno urging xB on before he pulls his communicator out and begins typing furiously.]
XB: Y'all keep on. I'm gettin' False.
JUDGE DOG: Um. RIGHT. Of course. Well. While those two are procuring their lawyer, we should, um. [softly] Joe, what should we be doing?
[The court scribe indicates that the plaintiffs have not explained what recompense they're seeking with their suit, nor produced any proof of damages done unto them by the defendants, both of which are probably things that the court should have down in writing at some point.]
CLEO: DAMAGES—oh, Joe, REALLY.
EVIDENCE #3:
SUMMATION OF DAMAGES TO THE PLAINTIFFS, AS SUBMITTED TO THE COURT, CAUSED BY THE ACTIONS OF HORSE HEAD FARMS (approximate duration of deliberations: 1.5 hours)
i. Reported loss of profits for Welsknight, whose IOU was used to procure structural and redstone work for JoeHills without compensation
ii. Reported loss of profits for ZombieCleo, whose IOU was used to procure an act of intimidation for Cubfan135 without compensation
iii. Continued loss of profits for ZombieCleo via Hohenzollern Castle as an entity, through her business partner, JoeHills, the target of the aforementioned act of intimidation, used to procure creative work for Cubfan135 without compensation
iii. “I was already dealing with turning into a bug, who knows what them taking my soul did on top of that?”
iv. “Yeah, whatever Evil X to make me green, these guys definitely didn't help, either.”
DAY 1, CONTINUED:
HYPNO: Oh, come ON, Jevin! You can't seriously be trying to blame us for stuff OTHER PEOPLE DID! Or, stuff did to yourself, BEEF! That wasn't us!
IJEVIN: I didn't say it WAS, I said you taking my stupid soul didn't HELP. And it DIDN'T.
EVIDENCE #4:
FURTHER SUMMATION OF DAMAGES TO THE PLAINTIFFS
v. Other representations of varying levels of physical discomfort, emotional damage, and mental distress resulting from the removal of the plaintiffs' souls
vi. Evidence received from XisumaVoid that signing over their souls did alter the plaintiffs, as well as Evil Xisuma, on a code-deep level
vii. Representations from the plaintiffs that they were unable to access the Hermitcraft Season Nine server for a number of days at the beginning of the season without their souls
DAY 1, CONTINUED:
WELS: As for what we're seeking—look. It's early in the season. Nobody has a whole lot, so we're not gonna be unreasonable, asking for crazy amounts of diamonds or anything like that. We just think, for the duration of season nine, the defendants should owe one IOU, EACH, to each affected party.
[xB's head jerks up from his screen as he and Hypno both jolt like they've been struck with Channeling.]
XB: Now there ain't no FREAKIN' way—
HYPNO: TWENTY IOUs? Are you INSANE? The IOUs we auctioned hardly even got USED, you were NOT affected enough to warrant TWENTY IOUs, nuh-uh, NO way.
PEARL: Soul. Theft.
XB: Souls. Returned. Promptly, actually, y'all hardly even MISSED nothin'—
CLEO: YOU don't get to decide that, now do you, xB?
XB: Well, NO, but—c'mon, Ren. You can see REASON, right? A guy like you? You wouldn't let 'em steamroll us like that? Right at the start of the season? We already gave everything back.
[The honorable judge looks up from his own communicator, blinking for a moment before he straightens up.]
JUDGE DOG: Well, I mean—AHEM. That is QUITE the penalty. As your HONORABLE and IMPARTIAL judge, I will strive to make the correct decision for EVERY party in this court.
PEARL: THAT'S a change of tune, since the beginning of the trial, isn't it?
JUDGE DOG: It's nothing of the sort. Now! Regarding the facts of the case—I believe it was asked WHY Horse Head Farms decided to deal in souls alongside your IOUs, and your response was for—insurance purposes? Is this correct?
HYPNO: Mm, BASICALLY, yeah. Like, look—those IOUs were originally signed TO Horse Head Farms. The contracts bound the signers to US cashing them in. But in order to provide those promises as PRODUCTS, with our guarantee, well—we needed a little something extra. To ensure that WE could ensure our customers' happiness.
XB: We were lookin' out, for everyone involved.
[A few of the plaintiffs make clearly disbelieving utterances.]
WELS: So, if this was all insurance, why, once the season was done and the IOUs, used or unused, were no longer binding, did you not RETURN the souls of your shop's patrons?
XB: Well, EXCUSE us for bein' a little BUSY, what with the MOON comin' down and all. Like none of y'all left unfinished business at the end of season eight, c'mon, now! [laughs] Right, Hypno?
HYPNO: Yep! SUPER busy. Definitely that end of the world stuff that kept you from your end of the business.
[Beside him, xB begins an uncanny impression of a block of packed ice, shoulders square and expression hard and cold.]
XB: [carefully] Hypno. Guy. REALLY not the time.
CLEO: Not the time for WHAT?
HYPNO: Why not? We're in court, aren't we? They need the facts of the case. Don't they deserve to KNOW why you abandoned our business AND our customers?
XB: There is NO WAY you're throwin' me under the bus. I don't code! Settin' everyone right was YOUR responsibility, how in the heck is it MY FAULT if YOU didn't do it?
HYPNO: How about because YOU were more concerned with your affair with KERALIS than the affairs of our BUSINESS!
[A stunned hush falls over the court as the defense locks eyes, once more caught in a silent but tempestuous battle of wills and pulled faces, interrupted only by the sound of one of the plaintiffs clearing his throat.]
KERALIS1, hereafter KERALIS: I'm sinking—[softly, with a hysterical edge] mayday, mayday—I'm thinking we maybe take a short break? A—what do you call it, a recess?
JUDGE DOG: [hand laid across his heart] Keralis, I do believe I will grant that.
[The court takes a brief recess, during which time the defense has moved from behind their dark oak stairs to the far corner of the courtroom and begun what seems like it might be a heated argument. Your faithful court scribe does their due diligence, casually slipping across the court until the defense is in earshot to record said argument.]
HYPNO: —look, it WORKED, didn't it?
XB: I mean—a LITTLE, yeah, but—THAT was what you came up with?
HYPNO: I PANICKED! It's been HOURS and she's still not here! I'm not getting strapped with TEN favors!
XB: I don't want 'em, either, dang guy!
[A figure enters the court, interrupting both the court scribe's view of the defendants' discussion as well as the defendants themselves.]
FALSESYMMETRY, hereafter FALSE: xB? You said you needed me?
XB: [sighing] Ohhh thank goodness.
[Taking False by the hand, xB turns away from Hypno and leads her to the bench, presenting her to a pleased-looking Judge Dog, as well as the plaintiffs and the court scribe.]
XB: Hi. False is here to be our attorney.
JUDGE DOG: Is that so, Ms. Symmetry?
FALSE: [bemused] I guess it is.
JUDGE DOG: Well. In that case—
PEARL: ABSOLUTELY not, get over 'ere!
[With some ruckus, Pearl pushes her way out of the crowd of plaintiffs and up to the judge's bench, promptly snatching the judicial wig from Judge Rendog's head and placing it on her own.]
PEARL, hereafter JUDGE MOON: GET. Off the bench, right now.
[As Rendog is shooed off the bench and into the audience, Judge Moon points an accusing finger at xB, who simply blinks at her in return, the picture of innocence, if not for the smirk twitching at the corner of his mouth.]
JUDGE MOON: THAT was dirty, and you know it.
XB: What? We needed a lawyer. We're the defense, right? False can do some SOLID defense.
JUDGE MOON: FALSE could do a grand total of NOTHING and Ren would've given 'er everything she wanted, INCLUDING letting you two off scot-free, and I'm not havin' it. You can keep your lawyer, recess over, back to your seats.
[The plaintiffs and the defense both take up their original places, False now positioned between xB and Hypno as the proceedings resume.]
HYPNO: Y'know, you probably shouldn't be the judge? It's bad enough already that Joe's recording everything, but the whole court being biased against us is KINDA unfair.
JUDGE MOON: Maybe you should've thought of that before dealing in SOULS this past season, hm?
XB: [dryly] Wasn't half the courtroom dealin' in crypto?
WELS: ANYWAYS—False, the plaintiffs are requesting one IOU, per person, from each of your clients individually.
HYPNO: And WE think twenty IOUs is CRIMINAL.
FALSE: [a soft hiss] Jeez. That IS a bit much, isn't it? What if it were just one per from either, not both? Only ten total?
XB: Uh, False? We're kinda not lookin' to, uh—y'know.
FALSE: Hm?
HYPNO: We're not really trying to ADMIT GUILT, here. We shouldn't be at fault because SOME people don't read fine print.
EVIDENCE #5:
SUMMATION OF FRAUDULENT BUSINESS PRACTICES DEMONSTRATED BY HORSE HEAD FARMS (approximate duration of deliberations: 1 hour.)
i. “There was not fine print!”
ii. Representations from multiple plaintiffs that they would not have signed IOUs at Horse Head Farms had there been clear indication it would result in code alteration and/or the removal of their actual soul.
iii. Evidence from Hypno and xB that multiple Hermits did, in fact, acknowledge they were trading their souls, and it's not their fault their customers thought it was hyperbolic instead of literal.
iv. Representation from Welsknight that forcing a customer to assume risks on a contract without fully and clearly disclosing them is “kinda scummy.”
v. “Kinda my butt. I had these two in my ear pressuring me to heck and back! Oh, it's cheaper than diamonds, oh, your friends are doing it—yeah, my friends are also missing their stupid souls!”
DAY 1, CONTINUED:
HYPNO: Okay, LOOK, unless you guys can PROVE the language of the contract, which you CAN'T, because the season eight server's gone and nobody has copies of anything—
JUDGE MOON: You can't seriously be expecting to ride out this case on “Well, you can't prove it, so nyeh,” can you?
FALSE: Isn't that sort of how the law... works, though? That there needs to be proof?
JUDGE MOON: W—I mean, yes, but there IS proof!
EVIDENCE #6:
hypnotizd whispers to Xisuma: so i know what the problem is
Xisuma whispers to hypnotizd: good! :-D i'm glad to hear it
Xisuma whispers to hypnotizd: can you fix it with op or do you need a hand?
hypnotizd whispers to Xisuma: i should be able to get it
hypnotizd whispers to Xisuma: but i'll let you know if anything comes up
Xisuma whispers to hypnotizd: sounds good!
Xisuma whispers to hypnotizd: oh and Hypno?
hypnotizd whispers to Xisuma: yep?
Xisuma whispers to hypnotizd: whatever you've done, please be sure to fix Evil X, as well.
Xisuma whispers to hypnotizd: Hypno?
hypnotizd whispers to Xisuma: you got it, boss
DAY 1, CONTINUED:
[XB leans towards FALSE and says something quietly.]
FALSE: Well, even so, my clients are apparently looking to countersue.
JUDGE MOON: [sighing] I thought we'd all agreed that wasn't going to happen.
XB: Y'ALL agreed. WE got told. But I think, if the court's gonna accept evidence that Cub used an IOU to force services outta someone whose IOU he DIDN'T have or purchase—
HYPNO: AND! Specifically someone who was part of the conspiracy to buy out our auctions and keep our prices down!
XB: Mmm-HM—then we should be allowed to sue for that lost profit, too.
JUDGE MOON: Uh-huh. And would that be against Cubfan, or Joe and Cleo?
HYPNO: Ehhh...
[Both defendants glance at their lawyer, who, looking between them, only offers a shrug.]
XB: Either?
HYPNO: We're not picky.
JUDGE MOON: Well, TOUGH. Either GET picky, or you get nothing. You understand me? [scoffs] Honestly. Now—I, for one, can deal with one IOU from the either of you. And YOU can certainly deal with some community service. It's TEN favors.
XB: [quietly] Y'all seemed awful upset about IOUs LAST season to be acting like they're nothing now.
JUDGE MOON: EY. It's ten or twenty. Take your pick.
[Court Scribe @JoeHills would like to remind the court that there is, in fact, a third option, as player code tampering is actually a serious offense, and that xB and Hypno could be brought to actual, off-server, authorities for their crimes.]
FALSE: ...Right. xB? Hypno?
XB: Yup.
HYPNO: Uh-huh.
FALSE: I believe my clients will be taking the ten IOU plea.
-
COMPLAINT:
IJEVIN, Plaintiff, against HYPNO, Defendant
FACTS: I'm pretty sure Hypno's trying to weasel his way out of giving me my IOU.
DENIAL:
HYPNO, Defendant, against IJEVIN, Plaintiff
FACTS: i'm pretty sure Jevin smells, and that until he knows what he wants and from whom, i don't have to actually give him anything.
COMPLAINT:
GEMINITAY, ET AL., Plaintiffs, against XB, Defendant
FACTS: xB keeps answering perfectly normal, boring requests, or even just QUESTIONS, with “and will you be using your IOU for that?”! I just wanted to know if he'd raided the closest monument for sponge!
DENIAL:
XB, Defendant, against GEMINITAY, ET AL., Plaintiffs
FACTS: Someone could use their IOU to get me to stop doing that, just saying
COMPLAINT:
KERALIS, Plaintiff, against XB, Defendant
FACTS: As much as it pains me to do this, ZombieCleo has insisted, so I must report: my princess has tried talking me out of my IOU.
COMPLAINT:
CLEO, Plaintiff, against XB, Defendant
FACTS: “Talk” is one word for it. If I could file a complaint against Keralis, too, for having to see that, I would.
DENIAL:
XB, Defendant, against KERALIS and CLEO, Plaintiffs
FACTS: Get good lol?
COMPLAINT:
XB, Defendant, against CLEO, Plaintiff
FACTS: Cleo spawn trapped me and killed me like, six or seven times now
DENIAL:
CLEO, Plaintiff, against XB, Defendant
FACTS: I needed his head for something and wasn't going to waste my IOU to get it. Also, get good <3
COMPLAINT:
XB and HYPNO, Defendants, against CLEO, Plaintiff
FACTS: Cleo has used mine and Hypno's heads to create an elaborate armor stand torture garden in the spawn village, possibly as a threat
DENIAL:
HYPNO, Defendant, against XB, Defendant
FACTS: oh no, i gave Cleo my heads for that, it was funny.
COMPLAINT:
XB, Defendant, against HYPNO, Defendant
FACTS: Can that please count as our IOU to Cleo, I really don't wanna spend the rest of the server getting ambushed just because Hypno thinks it's funny.
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WELSKNIGHT, ET AL., v. HORSE HEAD FARMS, DAY 2:
JUDGE XISUMAVOID, hereafter JUDGE VOID: [sighing] Why must you two be like this.
XB: ...Have you met us?
HYPNO: Honestly, X.
JUDGE VOID: Trust me, I have. Now. You were seeking a ruling regarding ZombieCleo's IOU, is that correct? They sought a certain number of player heads from the both of you, and, while they didn't ASK xB, they DID ask Hypno, and Hypno obliged.
HYPNO: Suuure did.
JUDGE VOID: That sounds pretty straightforward. Did Cleo SAY she was cashing in her IOU with this request?
HYPNO: Nope! Just told me what she wanted to do with 'em and asked if I wanted to donate to the cause.
XB: You didn't even ASK if she was using her IOU?
HYPNO: And risk getting my butt kicked like you did? Nooo, thank you. Cleo and I came to a very comfortable agreement.
JUDGE VOID: If neither of them thought it was being cashed in, xB, I don't think I can force it.
XB: Y'know what, can I just sue him?
HYPNO: Wh—for WHAT?
XB: I've had it up to fffRICKIN' here, Xisuma, I swear. I don't care if y'all call it sabotage, or damages, or just gettin' on my DANG NERVES—I am DONE having to worry about whether Hypno's out here just—handin' out FREEBIES.
JUDGE VOID: Joe? Is this something we could manage? Some sort of, ah—decoupling, I suppose, of their debts? Half and half?
[The court scribe indicates that, if the plaintiffs agree, IOUs from the defendants can be assigned at random—or, like Horse Head Farms themselves, the court could simply auction off their debts.]
XB: You and Cleo were ALL about ruining our auctions last time, and now you wanna do another one?
[The court scribe points out that her and her business partner's actions were in the interest of community justice—as is the current suggestion.]
JUDGE VOID: I think it's best we leave it up to a randomizer. [softly] If I have to hear one more thing about this case, I may just go mad.
-
COURT ORDER:
AND NOW, upon consideration of the Defense's motion for a Split Sentence and with the agreement of the Plaintiffs, it is hereby:
ORDERED that the motion is granted, and further,
ORDERED that Defendant HYPNOTIZD render payment of 1 (ONE) IOU each to Plaintiffs ISKALL85, KERALIS1, PEARLESCENTMOON, TANGOTEK, and WELSKNIGHT, and further,
ORDERED that Defendant XBCRAFTED render payment of 1 (ONE) IOU each to Plaintiffs GEMINITAY, IJEVIN, IMPULSESV, VINTAGEBEEF, and ZOMBIECLEO, and further,
ORDERED that these IOUs may not be sold, transferred, or duplicated by the Plaintiffs.
BY THE COURT:
<XisumaVoid>
-
POSTSCRIPT:
“I mean... It could've gone worse?”
Hypno laughed as he blocked an immediate arrow, peeking up over the edge of his shield to meet xB's unimpressed glare with the grin of a man who knew his partner very well.
“It coulda gone a lot better,” xB snapped back, eyes still trained on Hypno as he tacked on, “Why don't you put that shield up?”
“Why don't you put your bow away?”
After a good few seconds of stalemate, xB switched back to his pick, thrusting the head at Hypno for a brief moment before he went back to clearing deepslate, shaking his head as Hypno finally let his shield drop. “This frickin' guy. You're lucky, Hypno.”
“I think we both got pretty lucky, in the grand scheme of things. Only five IOUs each,” he mused, stretching his arms over his head before shaking out the lingering ache from blocking xB's shot. “I'll have to make sure Pearl's is good. She went pretty easy on us, that first day.”
He watched xB mine, the slow, even tempo of each methodical swing indicating xB was still listening, even as he tried very hard to pretend he wasn't. Pulling the arrow from his shield, Hypno twirled it lazily between his fingers as he tacked on, “We should probably do something nice for False, too.”
“How much debt you want us in, by month two?” xB called back, lowering his pick again and sighing as he resigned himself to the conversation, doing his best not to smile at how Hypno's eyes gleamed under his full attention.
“Oh, come on, we can handle it! I mean—Cleo and Gem are gonna run you ragged for being a jerk, of course, and I'm pretty sure Wels and Tango are ready to barbecue me, but, hey—at least you got Jev instead of me.”
“Y'know, Shishwambam only said the plaintiffs weren't allowed to transfer IOUs. You and me, though, we could trade,” xB threatened lazily. “I could tell Jevin you're all his, right'chere and now.”
“Yeah, but you won't,” Hypno hummed, far too confident for a man who'd already blocked one arrow.
“Yeah? What makes you so sure about that?”
A laugh answered xB's unspoken dang guy, warm and fond, and he rolled his eyes, biting back a chuckle of his own—the last thing Hypno needed was encouragement.
“Cuz I'm not trading—you wanna change those lists, we're going back to court, guy. Just you, me, and whoever Joe Hills gets to judge.” The arrow rolled between his fingers, little flashes of xB's favorite teal fletching catching his eye as he slowly approached Hypno. “You think Etho'd do it?”
“Maybe. Or Bdubs. I could probably convince Bdubs to rule in my favor, if I had to,” xB decided, stepping close enough to reach out and grab the arrow as it made another pass, prying it gently out of Hypno's grip. The taller Hermit squinted down at him, and xB grinned, showing all his teeth. “We were good business partners in season seven, me and him.”
Flipping the arrow so the tip was in his palm, xB lightly bapped Hypno's forehead with the fletching. “And he didn't get me sent to court.”
“Oh, come on!” Hypno caught the arrow as xB went in for another thwap, earning himself an unimpressed arch of one brow. “Y'know what I think?”
“You think?” xB asked dryly.
“I think—that there's no one else you'd rather end up in court with, than me.” He took the arrow back as xB let it go, hand pulling back to try and cover the laugh Hypno had finally pulled out of him as though his shoulders weren't shaking with it. The success had him grinning like a fool. “So there. Dang guy.”
“Y'know what, guy?” xB huffed, matching Hypno's smile, his voice still edged with laughter. “You can think that—as long as we don't have to test it again this season.”
“I think you got yourself a deal.”