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The thing about living on a starship is that your closest friends can always find you.
Especially if they just so happen to be the Captain and the First Officer.
“We're leaving at 0745 tomorrow,” Kirk says after they corner McCoy in the mess.
McCoy frowns.
“We as in you and Spock?”
“We as in all three of us,” Kirk says, a clear you idiot tone to his voice.
“Ah,” McCoy says. “You know, call me silly, but I thought after you two started dating, I'd be spending less time with you both, not more.”
“That seems illogical,” Spock says, “given that you and Jim are close friends, and that you and I have long learned to reasonably tolerate each other.” He lifts an amused eyebrow, and McCoy snorts.
“All right, fair enough, but still—first day of shore leave in almost two months, you sure—”
“0745 tomorrow,” Kirk says, cutting him off. “Don't make us come drag you out of bed. Or—” he leers playfully, “or do make us, and we'll kidnap you.”
“Fine,” McCoy sighs, “but if you keep making me third-wheel on your dates—”
“Tricycles,” Spock says severely, “are eminently stable.”
McCoy rubs his hand across his forehead. “I need to meet new people.”
“Not allowed,” Kirk says. “I already have to hunt you down in order to see you as it is.”
McCoy shakes his head, amused despite himself.
“Yeah, I do have my hands full with the two of you, don't I. Do I at least get a heads-up on the plan for tomorrow?”
Kirk and Spock share an arguably furtive look, and McCoy swallows a groan.
“You do not,” Spock says firmly, his hands clasped behind his back. McCoy narrows his eyes and looks back and forth between the pair of them, but they don't blink.
“I have a reservation at—”
“We're staying at the same hotel,” Kirk says, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “C'mon, Bones, don't you trust us?”
“Not even as far as I could throw you,” McCoy says, his eyes still narrowed. “See you at 0745.”
Their bags are getting sent directly to the hotel, which means that Spock and Kirk are able to drag McCoy to a non-descript building as soon as they're beamed down.
“So you may not love this,” Kirk says, his hand on McCoy's forearm as he pulls him along, “but we do have fun things planned for later on. We were lucky she was able to fit us in and give us this appointment, though, even if it's first thing in the morning.”
“Appointment?” McCoy asks, squinting a little against the bright, natural sunlight.
“I believe she rearranged her schedule in no small part thanks to her knowledge of you, Doctor,” Spock says, sounding vaguely congratulatory.
“What appointment?” McCoy asks as Kirk half-drags him through the door. They're in a small, elegantly comfortable room—some sort of waiting room, McCoy thinks, but before they have a chance to wait, a young woman pops up from behind a desk in the corner and smiles brightly at the three of them.
“Right on time!” she says. “You can go on in, she's expecting you!”
“Who's expecting us?” McCoy asks, and then Kirk and Spock have successfully herded him through the far door, and he's standing in another elegantly comfortable room, this time with a couch and three armchairs in a loose circle. A woman around McCoy's age stands up from the center armchair with a more reserved smile.
“Doctor McCoy, Captain Kirk, and Commander Spock,” she says. “It's lovely to meet you. I'm Diane Marshall.”
She walks over to shake Kirk and McCoy's hands, and then lifts her hand in the Vulcan salute to Spock, and it's that more than anything that jogs McCoy's memory.
“Doctor Marshall?” McCoy says. He looks around the room again, taking in the couch, the chairs, the soothing colors on the walls, and then he sends an absolutely furious look towards Kirk and Spock. “You're kidding.”
“I'm—I'm sorry?” Marshall asks, clearly startled. McCoy's more focused on the way Kirk's lifting his hands in surrender.
“Surprise?” Kirk says, barely even trying to hide his grin.
“Jim, you can't just—please tell me the two of you didn't drag me to couples counseling?”
Spock tilts his head slightly.
“I do not understand why you'd want us to lie to you, Doctor,” he says.
McCoy catches Marshall frown out of the corner of his eye, and he drags his hand across his face.
“Great impression you're making in front of her,” he tells the pair of them, and then turns towards her with a forced smile.
Diane Marshall had been on the shortlist he'd given Kirk a few weeks back when he'd explained that he himself could not ethically provide them relationship counseling. He'd picked a handful of relationship counselors who were well-respected, who he'd had no direct contact with, and who were familiar with Vulcan culture and customs and ideally had worked with Vulcans before.
He hadn't realized she was based on this planet, but given her reputation, and the fact they'd only found out they were being diverted here a few days ago, he's sure Spock was right—she absolutely must have rearranged her schedule in order to fit them in.
And to show her how much they appreciated that, and how seriously they were taking this, they'd decided to drag McCoy along.
“Sorry—” he starts to say, but she starts speaking at the same time, her cool grey eyes assessing him before looking at Kirk.
“You didn't tell him you were coming to relationship counseling?”
“Ah, no ma'am, he was slammed with work and we didn't have a chance,” Kirk says, fairly oozing that patented Kirk charm. McCoy thinks about pulling the rug out from underneath Kirk's feet and reminding him he'd asked point-blank last night, but if they traded on his name to get this appointment, they're ruining his reputation with a talented counselor, not just their own.
Besides, while Spock and Kirk are the perfect couple in almost every regard, the petty little fights they've been getting into the last few months are starting to put a toll on McCoy, especially since they always want him to referee. Marshall's supposed to be one of the best.
“Is that going to be a problem, Doctor McCoy?” she asks.
“No, it's—it's a bit of a surprise, but I'm the one that put your name on the list, so I can hardly kick up a fuss that they took my advice. I think I should probably wait out in the—”
“Nope,” Kirk says. “You're not getting out of it that easily.”
“If counseling was your idea, why would you wait in the waiting room?” Marshall asks with a slight frown. McCoy frowns right back at her.
“Well, they're the ones who keep squabbling like children,” he says, gesturing towards Kirk and Spock.
“They made the appointment for all three of you, Doctor McCoy,” she says. “They must have wanted you to attend. Besides, it's important for me to see how all of you interact.”
McCoy feels his frown deepen, but one glance at Kirk and Spock has him relenting. While he's handled relationship counseling for various members of the crew over the years, he's never had anyone sit in for—for what, moral support? But whatever they told her when they set up the appointment must have convinced her that things would go smoother if he sits in, and besides, if he skips out, they'll never let him hear the end of it.
“All right, fine,” he says, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet.
She looks between all three of them again, and then gestures over towards the seats.
McCoy tries to divert towards one of the armchairs, but Kirk steers him right down onto the middle cushion of the couch, with Spock and Kirk on either side of him.
It's—
Well.
It's kind of a weird position to be in as a bystander, but when he looks at Marshall, expecting her to voice a similar opinion, she looks completely unsurprised.
He's left more than a little flummoxed.
“Are you always this accommodating, Doctor McCoy?” she asks as she sits down in the armchair directly opposite the couch.
“Leonard's fine,” McCoy says. Her gaze cuts briefly over towards Spock, and then just as quickly back towards McCoy. “And you know, you might be the first person in my life to call me accommodating.”
“Oh, don't let him fool you,” Kirk smirks, “he's a pushover.”
McCoy rolls his eyes.
“You're not supposed to lie to your therapist, Jim,” he says.
“Well, you're accommodating with us,” Kirk says.
“Only because you're always pushing the limits,” McCoy says.
“One could say that proves the point,” Spock says, his elbow bumping McCoy's as he shifts to look at them.
“One could also tell you to shut up,” McCoy scowls. He leans back into the couch, trying to take up less space and ensure that Kirk and Spock can easily see each other. Part of him still wants to stand up and move over to one of the armchairs, but he just knows it's going to be a whole thing if he does, and it's possible that they put him there as some sort of neutral zone.
Of course, he'd given Kirk the damn list to try to get out of being their neutral zone, but he should've known better than to think that would work.
“You're cranky this morning,” Kirk says. “Did you eat anything, or did you just have coffee for breakfast again? As a doctor, you should know better.”
McCoy rubs his hand across his forehead. “I went in to Sickbay for a couple hours this morning, and it ended up taking a little more time than I expected, so yes, Jim, I skipped breakfast. I figured I'd grab something wherever you were dragging me.”
Spock pulls one of their ration bars out of his small side bag and hands it to McCoy, and McCoy narrows his eyes suspiciously.
“You usually end up working in Sickbay the morning your shore leave starts whether you're scheduled or not,” Spock says. “It seemed likely that you would forego breakfast as you often do in these situations.”
Kirk presses his shoulder into McCoy's, and McCoy shakes his head, trying and failing to hide a small smile.
“Fine,” he says, “you're forgiven.”
He looks across at Marshall, and watches her jot something down on her PADD.
“Don't write that down,” he says, laughing a little and rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. “Write down things about them, not me. I'll be quiet now, I promise.”
“I'm sure you're aware they're all interconnected,” she says. “As the CMO of Starfleet's flagship, I'm certain you've studied psychology.”
“He's gifted at it, actually,” Kirk cuts in, and she smiles.
“I'm sure he is. I'm very familiar with Doctor McCoy's body of work, and it would not at all surprise me to hear he excels in psychology as well. Which is why, Doctor McCoy, I am disheartened to hear you say you'll be quiet. I had hoped you would be a willing participant once you agreed to stay.”
McCoy pauses from rather noisily unwrapping the ration bar.
“Me?”
“I did hope all three of you would participate, and I'd counted on you, Doctor, to set a good example.”
This is hell, he thinks. They finally dragged him into some sorta hijinks that got him killed, and now he's in hell, sitting between the two of them and being asked to participate in their couples counseling.
“Whatever you think's best,” he says, and then shoves a quarter of the ration bar directly into his mouth in what he's well-aware is an extremely obvious attempt to redirect her. She looks amused, but she does move her attention to Kirk.
“So, Captain Kirk—”
“Jim's fine.”
“Jim, then. And the three of you can call me Diane. Why don't you start with telling me how you met the two of them?”
And so it goes for the next twenty-odd minutes—Marshall asks Kirk and Spock questions about all three of them as McCoy eats his ration bar, and then seamlessly starts asking McCoy questions as well as soon as his mouth's free.
She covers most of the same ground he'd go over with a new couple. She just, for some reason, includes McCoy in all her questions.
Less surprising is the way that Kirk and Spock won't shut up about him. This, McCoy knows, has got to be some type of twisted payback for initially refusing to handle their counseling himself. Well, he thinks, Starfleet officers are trained not to give in to this kind of blatant terrorism, and if Marshall isn't going to redirect their conversation away from McCoy, then he'll simply have to do it himself.
He thinks he's doing a decent job of it, even if two on one is never fair odds, when it happens.
He's steered them back to talking about why he suggested counseling in the first place, and she suddenly freezes.
It's only for a brief second, but when she looks up, he can see astonishment quickly veiled by calm professionalism.
“Could you repeat that?” she asks.
He frowns—he'd been rambling away, and it takes him a moment to remember the last thing he'd said.
“Well, I didn't mean that as any sort of commentary on you for allowing it, to be clear,” he says, “I just think it's kind of odd they decided to bring their best friend to couples counseling, but—”
He breaks off as her back straightens, her mouth pinched.
“I was under the impression, Doctor,” she says, “that all three of you are in a relationship.”
Kirk and McCoy gape at her in perfect tandem. Spock, of course, would never do any such thing, but McCoy can feel Spock's arm and leg muscles tighten from where they're pressed against him.
“You what?” McCoy says faintly.
“Okay, actually I can see how that might have been confusing,” Kirk says, half-speaking over him. “I realize now I never specified when I made the appointment.”
“Wait, you what?” McCoy says, turning towards Kirk, who's wearing that embarrassed little smile of his.
“No, I—no, I just said I needed to schedule an appointment for the three of us,” Kirk says. “I just didn't really think about it.”
“An easy mistake to make,” Spock offers, and McCoy groans.
“You always let him off the hook like that, Spock—”
“I have made the exact same error several times when making reservations for the three of us,” Spock says.
McCoy stares at him for a beat.
“How?”
“I don't know, Bones, if the three of us are together, it doesn't usually matter, does it?” Kirk asks.
“Except maybe when it's literal couples counseling,” McCoy snaps. He turns back to Marshall with a wince. “I'm very sorry about the confusion—do you want me to go out in the waiting room?”
“Oh, you're definitely not leaving us now,” Kirk protests. Spock doesn't say anything, but McCoy feels a firm hand wrap around his forearm, and sure enough, Spock looks fully ready to hold him in place if necessary.
Goddamn children.
“I'd actually like you to stay, Leonard,” Marshall says, leaning forwards slightly.
“If two on one isn't fair, three on one's gotta be breaking some kinda rules,” McCoy says, but he settles back into the couch with a scowl.
Marshall looks down at her PADD for a moment, skimming her notes and looking like she's taking the opportunity to collect herself.
“May I ask why the two of you wanted to bring Leonard along with you to today's session?” she asks.
Kirk and Spock exchange looks. “He suggested relationship counseling,” Spock says.
“And he wouldn't do it himself,” Kirk says, sounding still aggrieved.
“Even though he has done so for other crew members,” Spock says, his even, level tone somehow sounding just as aggrieved.
“So it made sense to bring him along,” Kirk says.
McCoy scrubs his right hand—the hand attached to the arm that Spock's not currently holding hostage—across his face. She looks between all three of them.
“I'm still not quite understanding why it made sense to bring him along.”
“Well, if he's here, then we don't have to repeat everything later on. Spock would remember it perfectly, don't get me wrong, but it just seemed time-consuming, especially when we're on shore leave.”
“Did...Doctor McCoy tell you to repeat everything that was said? These sessions are fully confidential.”
McCoy sinks a little deeper into the couch cushion, somehow even more aware than ever of the fact he's sitting directly between them.
“Why would he ask us to repeat anything?” Spock says, sounding genuinely confused.
“Did you not catch the part where he wouldn't even do it himself?” Kirk adds.
McCoy is made aware of the fact that he's making a little moaning noise into his hand when Kirk knocks his shoulder into him. He abruptly shuts up, but he isn't quite willing to drop his hand.
Spock settles that for him, however, when he none-too-gently peels McCoy's hand away from his face, and the first thing McCoy sees is Marshall's extremely interested gaze as Spock keeps his fingers on his for a little bit too long.
Right. He'd recommended someone experienced with Vulcans, hadn't he. Hadn't that been a smart thing that he'd done. Wasn't he intelligent.
She might be experienced with Vulcans, but not with Spock, who was—their vocal protests aside—comfortable enough with McCoy that he'd long ignored the hang-ups most Vulcans had with hand stuff. This didn't seem like a good time to explain that, though.
“Doctor McCoy?” Marshall prompts.
“I told you to call me Leonard,” McCoy says.
“Why do you think they brought you along today?”
“If I had to guess, it's because they're trying to ruin my life,” he says. She narrows her eyes a little, and he sighs. “I'm guessing they're still determined to have me weigh in, even though I've told them repeatedly that I'm not getting in the middle of them.”
She raises an eyebrow, and looks between all three of them, once more reminding him that he’s sitting, quite literally, between them.
“Between them in what way, exactly?” she prompts, that eyebrow still lifted, and he straightens up at that, because if she thinks for one damn second—
“Between them as in taking sides!” he snaps. “We're friends!”
“But I've known you longer,” Kirk says firmly.
“And I,” Spock says, “have worked more closely with him in terms of our respective departments.”
“And we're all friends! Which is why I'm not qualified to listen to whatever problems you two may or may not be having! If you want me here for moral support, then sure, you know you've both got it, but you can't just—” he breaks off with a sigh. “Doctor Marshall was on my short list because she and I have never met before, but she's very respected, and comes highly recommended by multiple mutual colleagues. I recommended her specifically so this wouldn't be an issue.”
“I don't see why it's an issue at all,” Kirk says.
“I agree with Jim—it seems illogical for either of you to be concerned about it when Jim and I are perfectly fine with the situation.”
“You finding it fine isn't reassuring, given how you also thought it was fine to wake me up at 0200 last week because you wanted me to tell Jim to stop working and go to bed.”
“You are the Chief Medical Officer and his closest friend, it was entirely logical to—”
“I'd been awake for thirty-two hours, you used your override to get into my room, and you should be able to manage him without me!”
“Did you go?” Marshall asks.
“Of course I went! Neither of them know how to take care of themselves!”
“Like you're one to talk,” Kirk says.
“He fell asleep in Jim's quarters, and I ended up having to carry both of them to the bed,” Spock says, sounding hideously smug.
“Don't say it like that!” McCoy says. “That sounds—don't say it like that, Spock. And Jim, I was taking care of myself, snoozing away, before I was woken up to go yell at you.”
“You carried them to the bed?” Marshall asks, looking at Spock.
“And then slept as well once I was certain they were comfortable. As I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, Doctor, I simply need less sleep than—”
“I'm sorry—just to clarify, were you all sharing the same bed?” Marshall asks.
Ah. This, he realizes, is going to sound bad.
“I was asleep and am therefore blameless,” he spits out.
Kirk and Spock exchange long-suffering looks.
“We've slept together plenty of times on missions and on shore leave,” Kirk says.
“We've slept in the same bed, he means,” McCoy says, “that's not—he means we've slept in the same bed—”
“That's what I said!” Kirk says. “I don't understand why you're so uncomfortable with cuddling. It's okay to let other people take care of you, Bones. Maybe you should tell the doc about your ex, I bet she'd—”
“I am not talking about my divorce during your couples counseling,” McCoy says through gritted teeth.
“It could be helpful,” Spock says.
“Only if you think it would be helpful to drive me into an early grave,” McCoy says.
“I think Leonard's drawing very clear boundaries, here,” Marshall says.
“You're right,” Kirk says. “I just—I just want to see you happy, Bones.”
“Tell the doctor why the two of you keep squabbling or am I going to murder you right here, right now,” McCoy says.
“That's fair,” Kirk says, smiling. “So you've got the background,” he says, turning back towards Marshall, “and everything's been mostly smooth sailing, but Bones is right. Spock and I have been—I don't know, we've been having these petty fights, lately. It's got Bones worried, and since he knows us better than pretty much anyone else—”
“It seemed wise to take his concerns seriously,” Spock says.
“And what are your concerns, Leonard?” she asks. McCoy closes his eyes for a moment, searching for any remaining dregs of patience.
“Petty things can end up snowballing if they're not dealt with,” he says at last. “I'm not saying this as a counselor, just as their friend. But yes, if there's some sort of underlying issue, then I think it's important they deal with it.”
“Have you asked them?” she pushes.
If Spock wasn't still holding McCoy's forearm, he thinks he'd stand up, maybe start to pace.
“No,” he says.
“May I ask why not? It's obvious that you care deeply about both of them.”
“I'm already—they already—I thought it was best if they see a professional. I'm their doctor, their CMO, their friend. I thought a little distance was a good thing, for both them and me.”
Kirk snorts.
“Distance, right,” he says. “You're good at that.”
“What?” McCoy says.
“Nothing,” Kirk says. “Look, we're here, aren't we?”
“Yes,” McCoy says, “we're certainly all here.”
“I told you, Bones, it's only fun stuff planned for the rest of the day. We're going to make it up to you.”
“The three of you have plans for the rest of the day?” Marshall asks.
“The next three days,” Spock says, “and then the Enterprise will depart.”
“You didn't—you told me you had plans for us for today,” McCoy says.
“We do,” Kirk says.
“As well as the next two days,” Spock says.
“I don't know why you're looking at me like that, we always pick things you'll enjoy,” Kirk says.
“We can—we can talk about that later,” McCoy says, looking back at Marshall.
She hums a little.
This is. This is not good.
“Have the two of you seen any increase in petty issues between yourselves and Leonard?” she asks.
“No more than usual,” Spock says. McCoy huffs out a sigh as Kirk shakes his head.
“We've been fine,” Kirk says.
“I see,” she says. “Perhaps it would be better if we try to untangle this a little. All three of you work closely together, and all three of you appear to be very close friends, as well, is that correct? It seems as if your...boundaries have blurred a little. Are the two of you spending enough time together? It is important, when you have those overlapping relationships, to make time for yourselves in a romantic capacity.”
“We spend the night together at least a few times a week,” Kirk says.
Spock's hand is still around McCoy's arm like a band.
“Is that including the nights that you coerce Leonard into sleeping over?” she asks with a smile.
“Please don't say it like that,” McCoy says.
“In addition to,” Kirk says with a grin.
“And when you have these disagreements, do you try to solve them yourselves?”
“...to an extent,” Spock says.
“Mostly, we do,” Kirk says.
“Sometimes a neutral third party would be a more effective—” Spock starts.
“Bones is a very good listener—”
“No,” McCoy says. “No, they don't try to solve it themselves.”
“I see,” she says. “In that case, you may want to consider working on your relationship outside of Leonard, as he's suggested,” she says.
“That seems unnecessary,” Spock says.
“We don't want to do that,” Kirk says.
“And you by no means have to,” she's quick to assure them, blatantly ignoring McCoy rolling his eyes. “I'm not suggesting a course of action, I am merely stating that it does seem that your working relationship, your friendships, and your romantic relationship being so overlapping may be leading to some of the difficulties and...possible communication issues that you have been mentioning.”
“You don't spend enough time together,” McCoy says bluntly. “Without me, I mean. You need to spend more time together, without me hanging around.”
“That's not exactly what I said,” Marshall says.
“Well, it's what you should be saying,” McCoy snaps. “It's what I've been telling them both for weeks now. The two of you need to make time for yourselves!”
“Leonard—” Spock says, but McCoy keeps steamrolling through.
“I've already been partly responsible for one relationship important to me ending, I don't want any responsibility for the two of you not working out!”
“Why do you believe you'd be responsible if their relationship didn't work out, Leonard?” Marshall asks. McCoy groans.
“Because they're clearly not listening when I tell them that I don't need to tag along with them all the time,” he says.
“Is that how you feel? Like you're tagging along?”
“I don't think it matters how I feel, I think what matters is that they both clearly must feel like they're not getting enough attention from each other,” McCoy snaps.
“Not getting enough—” she starts.
“Why else would they be blowing every little thing out of proportion!” McCoy says.
“I see,” she says. “Do you believe that is the case, Jim? Spock? Could your fights be the two of you seeking attention?”
“...am I not making enough time for you?” Kirk asks, looking at Spock with a wince.
“...you always make time for me, Jim,” Spock says. And then he lifts his chin a little, like he's bracing himself. “If anyone could be said to not be making enough of a contribution, it is Doctor McCoy.”
“I'm not even part of the relationship!” McCoy squawks.
“Okay, but Spock's right,” Kirk says, “we always have to ask you to spend time with us, you never ask us anymore.”
“I'm trying to give you space!”
“Well, maybe we don't want space, have you considered that?”
“Trust me, I've been considering nothing else since you dragged me into your couples counseling!”
“Relationship counseling,” Marshall cuts in, her voice steady, her eyes cautious, “we prefer to call it relationship counseling, as we cater to all sorts of relationships, in any combination or number.”
“Couples, relationship, call it what you want—the point is that it's absurd that I'm even here!”
“They clearly don't think it is,” Marshall says.
“Well, they're both certifiable. But you and I, we can both agree—”
“I don't think it's absurd either,” Marshall says. “If they are seeking attention with their fights, I believe it's very clear who they are running to to get that attention from, wouldn't you agree, Leonard?”
McCoy jumps to his feet, and the surprise of her statement seems to have knocked both Kirk and Spock off kilter as well, because Spock lets go of McCoy's arm as soon as he moves.
“What are you talking about?” McCoy snaps.
“It merely seems,” Marshall says, clearly picking her words carefully, “that if their disagreements are as petty as you say, and rather than try to solve them on their own they go to you, and when you try to redirect them towards relationship counseling they bring you along, that the underlying issue may be directed in a different direction than you would like to believe, Leonard.”
“Telling them to see a counselor was the ethical choice,” McCoy says.
“It is if they were approaching you in a professional capacity,” she says. “Why didn't you ask them what was wrong?”
“It's not my job to be their therapist—it's unethical, in fact, for me to—”
“Friends ask what's wrong,” she says.
“I am already tied into every single facet of their life, and all I was trying to do was get a little, tiny fraction of breathing room—”
“So you didn't want to ask,” she asks, her voice non-judgmental.
“You have no idea what it's like to—to—boundaries are important, and maybe they don't care to remember who's dating who, but it's my job to—you of all people should know how important boundaries are!” McCoy says, feeling a little like he's standing in the wake of a receding wave that's pulling the sand out from underneath his feet.
“So you put up boundaries and they try to knock them down,” Marshall says. “I can see why you'd want to push them away.”
“Bones—” Kirk says, sounding absolutely anguished, and McCoy scrubs a hand through his hair and walks out of the circle of seats.
“I'm not pushing them away,” he says, still facing away from them. “A little distance isn't pushing anyone anyway.”
“Leonard—” Spock says.
“I've never pushed you away,” McCoy says, turning on his heel back towards them. “Don't you dare put that on me.”
“You just stopped trying to solve their problems,” Marshall says.
“I sent them some of the best counselors in the galaxy,” McCoy says.
“But they didn't want to talk to me, did they,” Marshall says.
“Fine!” McCoy shouts, “fine, you want me to ask? Fine, I'll ask! What sort of problems are the two of you having? You seem like you should be the absolute perfect match in every way, except for the fact that you can't seem to solve any of your little squabbles without dragging me into it, so sure, why not, let's do another one!
“Is Jim leaving his clothes around again, Spock? Is Spock spending too much time meditating and not enough time snuggling with you, Jim? Is Jim reading out loud to himself again? Is Spock playing his music too loudly? Sure, you've got one of the best damn counselors in the universe right here, but by all means, lets put me in the middle again! Your petty shit is much more important than the fact that maybe, I don't know, this all might be a little uncomfortable for me! So let's hear it!”
Spock and Kirk look at him with identical levels of worry, even if Spock's can only be seen in his eyebrows and the set of his mouth.
They don't say anything, and Marshall's just sitting there quiet as a grave, and McCoy flings his arm out in a wide, sweeping gesture.
“I said let's hear it!”
“...we have been jealous, lately,” Spock says stiffly.
McCoy drags his hand across his face. “Sure,” he says, “okay. You know Jim's a flirt, but he would never cheat on you, Spock.”
“That's not the type of jealousy we're talking about,” Kirk says, sounding deeply miserable.
“...why the hell are you jealous over Spock?” McCoy asks. “I mean, no offense, Spock, you're a catch and all, but girls aren't throwing themselves at you like they do our Jimmy.”
“That's not the type of jealousy we are speaking of, either,” Spock says, his voice still stiff.
Doctor Marshall leans forward a little. McCoy waits for her to jump in, but she just looks at him. What the hell are they paying her for?
“Do either of you want to spell it out for me, or am I supposed to play twenty questions,” he asks.
“You've been spending less time with us,” Kirk says.
“Right, which is why you're gonna have to spell it out for me. I thought I was still keeping a close enough eye on the two of you, but clearly I missed whatever bombshell you're about to drop.”
“...that, Doctor, was the bombshell,” Spock says.
“...what?”
“We've been fighting about which of us has been spending more time with you.”
“You've been…I told you I was trying not to spend too much time with you—if it was a problem you could've just told me, you know I'd never want to come between you, although why the hell you'd be jealous of me—”
“We aren't jealous of you,” Spock says.
“We were jealous of each other, Bones,” Kirk says. “You've been pulling away from us for a while, and we started getting into fights when one of us got to spend time with you.”
McCoy sinks weakly into the nearest armchair.
“What,” he says flatly.
“When one considers it,” Spock says thoughtfully, “our problems are entirely your fault.”
“What,” McCoy repeats, his voice unfortunately edging towards desperate. He looks across to Marshall, hoping for a helping hand, but she’s just looking blandly at him, one eyebrow raised.
“Spock’s right,” Kirk says, clearly ready to run with this absurdity, “if you weren’t shirking your job then we’d be perfectly fine.”
“What job?” McCoy snaps—tries to snap, but thinks unfortunately he’s still a little too sucker-punched to pull it off.
“Your job of being our best friend,” Kirk says, eyebrows raised, like somehow McCoy is the one that’s not making sense.
“You used to be much more available to us,” Spock says primly. “If you hadn’t chosen to pull away—”
“I spent every single day of our last shore leave with you both!” McCoy yells. He shoots a furtive look at Marshall, and then hisses, “I ended up sleeping in the same bed as both of you a few of the nights! Of course I decided it was about damn time I gave you some space!”
“You’re acting like you were pushing your way in! We wanted you there!”
“The nights you spent in our room were, as I recall, nights where Jim told me I should nerve-pinch you if you tried to leave,” Spock says. “Did that seem as if we felt you were overstepping?”
“You won’t even let me kiss you anymore!” Kirk says.
“On the cheek,” McCoy says, his gaze snapping back towards Marshall, “he’s only ever kissed me on the cheek, you can’t say it that way, Jim—”
“Why! What does it matter what way I kiss you! Why does it matter what way we want you? What I want to know is why you stopped wanting us!”
“He doesn't realize how that sounds,” McCoy says to Marshall, wincing at how weak his own voice is.
“How does it sound!?” Kirk yells, bolting to his feet.
“Jim—”
“No,” Kirk yells, cutting McCoy off, “You keep making excuses for me, so tell me! What's so bad about what I'm saying! How does it sound!”
“It sounds like you're both in love with him,” Marshall says.
“Of course we're fucking in love with him!” Kirk yells, rounding on her.
“Love, not in love,” McCoy says, “he means—”
He breaks off, because Kirk's gaze has shifted from Marshall to Spock, and he looks absolutely shell shocked.
“...Spock?” Kirk says softly.
“That would explain some things, actually,” Spock says thoughtfully.
“We're not that stupid,” Kirk says. “Are we? Spock? Are we really that stupid?”
“Don't be ridiculous,” McCoy snaps, sending a furious look towards Marshall, which ends up wasted as she's looking at Kirk.
“We did insist he sleep in the middle of the bed when he slept over,” Spock says, his voice still thoughtful.
“You—you were both being rude about how I was no good in a fight and needed to be protected,” McCoy says. “I was pretty ticked off.”
“We were on shore leave, Leonard,” Spock says. “Who would we have been fighting?”
“And when Bones got a little weird about me cuddling with him on the couch, you were pretty aggressive about him cuddling both of us, Spock,” Kirk says.
“You—no, Spock, you gave a whole spiel about humans requiring certain amounts of skin contact, and that you were also half-human, and that it was my duty as CMO to cuddle with both of you. You were clearly just worried about Jim, so I let it go,” McCoy says.
“If I was worried about Jim, I would have had him sit in the middle, instead of you, Leonard,” Spock says, his voice still thoughtful, before looking back up at Kirk. “Jim, when you insisted the three of us take that cooking class three months ago on Divius II, you fed both of us by hand.”
“No, you said that was traditional,” McCoy says.
“It was a honeymooners cooking class on a destination planet—no one in that class knew the first thing about tradition,” Kirk says, barely sparing McCoy a glance as McCoy half-whimpers honeymooners?
Kirk sinks back onto the couch. “You told him that your Vulcan finger kisses could be for friends as well, but I've never seen you do that with anyone else.”
“You told him what?” Marshall asks, for the first time looking truly rattled.
But that's not—that's just because she doesn't understand that Spock's gotten over the normal Vulcan hang-ups about hand...about...
“Jim said he needed to pretend to date Leonard on Beravon IV, but there was no documentation to support that,” Spock says, clearly ready and willing to throw Kirk under the bus.
“Spock, you backed him up,” McCoy says, his voice faint. “You told me that Jim knew what he was talking about!”
“Jim always knows what he's talking about,” Spock says. “At the very least, he is aware of what he is saying.”
“We haven't gone on an off-ship date without him since we started dating,” Kirk says.
“You promised you were going to!” McCoy says.
“We were going to!”
“However, every time we planned an activity, it seemed as if it might be something that you would also enjoy, and that your presence might increase our own enjoyment,” Spock says.
“I got really aggressive with those back massages, didn't I,” Kirk says. He's staring into space now. That can't be a good sign. “Started getting really insistent you strip off your shirt so I could oil you up and work out your kinks.”
“You said you were practicing for Spock!”
“To be fair, I did enjoy watching him practice on you, so when you consider it that way—” Spock says.
“You told him the ozh'esta was platonic?” Marshall says, clearly still hung on up that.
Personally, McCoy feels he's buried about fifteen layers deeper than that.
“We...we did also scare off everyone who was interested in him at that diplomatic party we had to go to,” Kirk says.
“No, no I asked you not to leave me alone,” McCoy says, finally feeling like he's back on somewhat stable ground. “I hate those things, and I made you promise not to throw me to the wolves, remember—you were just doing me a favor. In fact, everything you've said probably has a—” he breaks off as he hears a rather alarming crack in his voice, but gamely swallows through it and pushes on, “a logical, rational reason.”
“That gorgeous princess asked me to introduce the two of you, and I told her that you were married to Spock,” Kirk says, almost tripping over the words as he clearly tries to spit them out like one would rip a bandage off.
“You what?”
“I also implied that you and Jim were together to the healer from Ryx that you had earlier called handsome,” Spock says.
McCoy buries his face in his hands.
“I had thought it an odd instinct at the time,” Spock muses. “It does make more sense, now.”
“I can't believe this,” McCoy says weakly.
“How long exactly have you two been sharing the ozh'esta?” Marshall asks.
“Jim and I have been together for five months and three weeks,” Spock says.
“That doesn't answer the question,” Marshall says with a frown.
“Actually,” Kirk says, “it does. He offered it to both of us on our first date. I thought it was sweet.”
“Your first—you brought Leonard along on your first date?” she asks.
“That was your first date?” McCoy asks, his voice getting progressively higher.
“We ran into him at the restaurant,” Kirk says. “He was sitting at the bar so we figured he might as well come sit with us instead of wait for a table.”
“...we were...insistent,” Spock says, frowning slightly in recollection.
“You actually weren't alone, though, were you, you were sitting with that pretty Andorian,” Kirk says.
“You had him join your first date, and then you shared the ozh'esta with both of them?” Marshall asks Spock, her face once more a calm mask of professionalism, even if her eyes seem to be screaming.
If McCoy didn't know better, he might think Spock was blushing. Of course, McCoy still has his face half-buried in his hands, so he's not exactly getting the best view.
“That is accurate,” Spock says, pursing his lips slightly.
Marshall looks between all three of them, and then looks down at her PADD.
“I think I need to step out for a moment,” she says.
“Are you happy now?” McCoy says, his words half-muffled by his hands. “You broke her. You broke your goddamn counselor. Best couples counselor this side of the galaxy, and you broke her.”
“Relationship counselor, Doctor McCoy,” Marshall says. She's halfway to the door, and she doesn't slow her gait. “Not couples counselor. Relationship counselor,” she says, her voice carrying through the doorway before the door slides shut behind her.
“Oh!” Kirk says, snapping his fingers and pointing at Spock, “we bring him up a lot during sex for a friend, don't we!”
“I need a moratorium on all new information for at least five minutes,” McCoy says grimly.
“Don't be a prude, I tell you about our sex life all the time,” Kirk says.
“That also may not be normal,” Spock says.
“Although how—how exactly were you talking about me during sex?” McCoy asks his palms.
“I don't know,” Kirk shrugs, “the normal way, Bones.”
“What normal way is there of—you know what, I don't want to know. I take it back, I do not want to know.”
“Not like that, Bones, we'd just talk about how we wanted you to be happy, and how we wanted to find you someone who'd treat you right, and, I don't know, what sort of stuff you liked in bed, so we could find you someone who'd show you a good time.”
“What I like in bed?” McCoy repeats, finally dropping his hands so he can show them exactly how appalled he is.
“Whether you like to be manhandled, whether you like to hold people down with those hands of yours, that type of thing,” Kirk says. He looks at Spock. “Yeah, that's probably not normal.”
“Jim—”
“Spock, that's actually what this is, isn't it,” Kirk says, fully ignoring McCoy. “We are actually in love with him, aren't we.”
“That would appear to be a reasonable conclusion,” Spock says.
“You're not in love with me,” McCoy says.
If he sounds desperate, it's only because he is.
“Then how you would diagnose us, Doctor?” Kirk asks.
“I don't know, you're—you're transferring all your problems onto me as a—as a—it's classic transference, and possibly I'm in a coma and this is all a bad dream and—”
“We should test the hypothesis,” Spock says. “I imagine, Leonard, if you're confident that we are incorrect, you would be willing to participate in an experiment to prove just that?”
“You're not in love with me,” McCoy says, voice would-be firm.
“I'll take that as a yes,” Spock says, and then he stands, pulls McCoy out of the armchair, and turns him around in one graceful move. Kirk, still sitting, guides McCoy back down onto the center couch cushion as Spock gently pushes him, and McCoy finds himself sitting right back down between them.
Right where he'd been trying to escape from.
“You're not in love with me,” McCoy says, feeling himself pushed towards a free fall he's very sure he won't survive. “I've been pulling away from you because I know you're not, and because you have no sense of boundaries, and someone's got to—got to—”
“Then you can prove us wrong,” Spock says. “You know how much you enjoy trying to prove me wrong, Leonard.”
“Spock—” McCoy says—
And then Kirk's mouth is on his, swallowing up Spock's name, even as Spock's fingers settle on his in the extremely familiar ozh'esta.
He was right, he thinks.
He's definitely not going to survive this.
“I'm sorry,” Kirk says, pulling back a little to mouth the words against McCoy's lips, “we've put you through the wringer, haven't we.”
“You're not in love with me,” McCoy says, feeling his grip slip.
“Do it with your shields down,” Kirk says to Spock, and then he reaches his hand around McCoy's waist to offer his other hand to Spock. “Do both of us, so he can feel it.”
“You wouldn't just not know you're—”
“You were always there, Leonard,” Spock says, his nose brushing against the back of McCoy's neck. “It would seem that that was enough for us as long as it seemed enough for you.”
“If you don't want this—” Kirk says.
“If you do not want us—”
“At least we'll all be on the same page,” Kirk says. “Can he drop his shields? So you feel it?”
“You really scared off that princess?” McCoy says.
“I really, really did,” Kirk says, wincing theatrically.
“I hate that that's almost sweet,” McCoy snorts. “Fine, do your Vulcan voodoo that you do so well.”
Spock brushes his nose back up into McCoy's hair, and Kirk leans back in and kisses him, and McCoy can feel a little burst of sensation at his fingertips, and then he's—
Oh, he thinks.
It's like walking down an unfamiliar street, and making a turn, and suddenly realizing you know where you are. Like looking at everything from a new angle.
Like suddenly realizing you're already home.
“Oh,” he says.
“I believe,” Spock says, “that this is where you admit that I'm right.”
“Don't get on your high horse,” McCoy says, “you didn't know your own dang mind five minutes ago.”
“At least we weren't running away,” Kirk says.
“I was trying to make you both happy!” McCoy says.
“I like that attitude,” Kirk says. “Not when you're being a self-sacrificing martyr, but overall, when we get you back to the hotel—definitely keep that attitude.” He's grinning, and McCoy just shakes his head.
“After, what, months of you purposefully sabotaging my life?” McCoy says. “I don't think so.”
“I think it's very clear we were subconsciously sabotaging your life,” Kirk says.
“Either way, the doctor does make a point,” Spock says, his lips ghosting across the back of McCoy's neck. “If we have chased him and caught him, we will have to prove that he was right to let himself be caught.”
“When we're not being so stupid,” Kirk says, “you're a very smart man, Mister Spock.”
And then they maneuver McCoy back against the back of the couch, and for the next few minutes they seem very determined to make sure McCoy is very aware of the benefits of being caught.
“You know,” Kirk says eventually, pulling back from the kiss and giving Spock enough space to lean in and take his place, “this also explains why we canceled your hotel room, so you'd have to stay with us again.”
“You what?” Marshall says from the doorway. McCoy lets out a muffled yelp directly into Spock's mouth, and then somehow manages to untangle himself from the two of them with no little difficulty.
“The threats of a nerve-pinch were wearing thin during our last shore leave,” Spock says, his index and middle finger seeking McCoy's out as he looks toward Doctor Marshall, his face serene. “It seemed logical to find a more effective solution.”
“Doctor McCoy? Leonard?” she asks, her gaze snagging on the ozh'esta before looking back up and meeting McCoy's gaze.
He suspects he looks as turned around as he feels—he's flushed, his hair must be a mess from Kirk's hands, and he is positive his shirt is somewhat disheveled due to Spock's attentions.
All in all, he's not exactly made a shining impression today.
“Yes?” he says.
“It was a pleasure to meet you,” she says with a smile. “Enjoy your shore leave. I have a feeling you deserve it.”