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Weeks - that's how long it's been. Not hours, not days. Weeks. It's been weeks and Nagisa was so, very tired. He's been doing what he could, he's been good and respectful so far. Yet-yet none of it led anywhere other than here, to him staring blankly up at the ceiling of dark his room. He closed his eyes, reaching up to brush away the silent tears and pretend they were never there in the first place, suppressing a frustrated whine as he did so. Instead, he flopped over to lie face down and scream directly into his pillow, hoping to heavens that it was enough to block the sound. While he was working on being more open about his emotions, even he had his limits. Besides, it was late, somewhere past 1AM for sure. Nagisa took a deep breath and then let it out, deflating as the air left his lungs. He mushed his face deeper into his pillows, not caring about his still damp hair -that he has still yet to have cut- as it tangled.
With the sudden clarity of someone that has ran out of fucks to give, Nagisa rolled off his bed and stood, head tilting up to the still dark ceiling. He needed to know what the fuck was going on - this impasse was helping no one, not him, not Karma, and certainly not the whole of their group. It's been getting more and more strained as the weeks ticked by, because once again, it has been fucking weeks, since Karma started to reintegrate into their friend group and get back to himself. Which was fine, Nagisa was happy for him, really. Except-except he was also angry, furious really. Because despite the fact that it has been gods damned weeks, Karma has yet fucking talk to him - he wasn't even really expecting an apology, just... something, something to acknowledge that he existed. But he got none of that, nothing but a cold shoulder he has no idea what he did to deserve. He tried, really, to respect Karma's boundaries by staying away - despite the fact that he could read the redhead's emotions like an open book. He really, really didn't understand why Karma was torturing them both like this.
Well, he understood on an intellectual level, why Karma was still continuously making the same foolish choice that started this mess in the first place; what twisted logic led to this cursed state of stagnating Tug-of-War. It's just-it was such a dumb, silly reasoning. Something he would have thought Karma, who had the go of a genius and the intellect to back it up, he thought him to be above it. Above this bastardised version of a catch-22. Nagisa closed his eyes, let out a deep breath and turned towards his door. This could go either spectacularly well, or atrociously badly, he thought as he walked out into the dim hallway. He found that he couldn't care anymore, not when caring has been destroying him from the inside out. Either which way it goes, he will have closure and come morning, it'll be the start of something new.
---
Karma was about, say, 50% asleep most nights - the other 50% of his brain activity was reserved for consciously avoiding actually falling asleep and risking a -nightmare- /dream/ of something he could not have, like, the past, his parents actually caring, the world making sense, Nagisa in general and so on. On this night too, he was more asleep than awake, but not really asleep enough to see endless lagoons of crystalline oceans or waking up to the scent of waffles or hollow emptiness and a muddy mountainside-
A loud bang snapped him out of his dazed state, and he shot up in his bed, one hand reaching for the knife under his pillow, the other smoothing down his criminally poofed up hair. Wouldn't wanna get caught in any life death situations looking like he just tumbled out of bed, even if that was technically true. Karma took a deep breath, fingers closing around the handle of the knife and he waited, as the shadow that loomed into his room from the open doorway entered unceremoniously, and then shut the door to the hall with a swift but silent movement - in sharp contrast to the aggressive way they practically kicked the door in. He wanted to protest, to yell out, to do anything but stare dumbly, so naturally, that is exactly what he ended up doing.
Karma blinked in confusion as his eyes adjusted to the dim moonlight and his brain adjusted to being actually awake. Because while one could argue that it was, in fact, an assassin that just pranced into his bedroom, it was also just like he could ever be 'just' anything Nagisa, eyes glowing softly as they tended to when he was emotional. Karma stared silently at the visage that stood in the middle of his room, silky smooth hair curling at the edges, swishing softly as Nagisa tried to stop shaking. Presumably from a distress of some kind.
Why was he here, how do I make him go away, he shouldn't be here, don't look at me, it hurts it hurts, why why why-
There wasn't much light in the room, but it was enough for Karma to make out the tears tracks and the pained expression. He could feel a cold hand squeezing his heart, because he had a sinking feeling that no doubt, it was his fault that Nagisa was here, looking like a trainwreck. Any sound he tried to make was thwarted by his closed-up throat and he could feel how his hand that was still gripping the knife started to shake. He knew that this was coming, he knew it on a deeper level that everything had to end at some point. He even actively promoted this narrative of pain, and yet how it hurt to know. To know what was coming. The shorter boy seemingly composed himself after a long moment of silently staring at Karma, but he didn't move closer, just stayed where he stood, now openly glaring. He could feel the hairs at the back of his neck rising as an involuntary shiver slithered down his back, like a handful of little snakes.
"I can't do this anymore." he said, far more softly than Karma expected, yet it broke his heart all the same. "I cannot fucking take this-this limbo that you ditched me in, you asshole!" Nagisa's voice was slowly but steadily increasing in volume. But more than any yelling the fact that he was openly cursing was enough for Karma to at least begin to grasp the volume of the situation. It wasn't like Nagisa never, ever cursed but he made a point, ever since Karma knew him, to not do it casually. It would have shattered his mask, after all, if his every other word was profanity. But even regardless of the pretend cutesy charade, Karma has rarely heard words like 'fuck' or 'shit' tumble from Nagisa's mouth and even then, they were softly hissed like a snake and in moments of extreme frustration - such as when he would lose repeatedly in Mortal Kombat.
And then, as the whole 'assassin training' picked up, he noticed how Nagisa was perfecting his persona, chiseling it into perfectly unremarkable, more and more imperfectly real as the time went on, less and less the boy who Karma knew and more and more the snake that Lovro started to cultivate. He hadn't heard Nagisa curse in the entirety of their past schoolyear, not once. And then, after he lost control of a power he was never meant to have and yanked themselves into the future, only then did he start to hear the soft curses. He hadn't thought much about it before that is a gods damned lie and he knew it, he thought about everything too much all the time every time but now, as Nagisa's brittle voice called out into the night, he could only remain stock still and stare, still half convinced that it was all a dream, another nightmare he couldn't wake from, another torture he had to bare
"I have no idea what the fuck you want to achieve with this, but it's not working you ass! I respected your shitty decision for literally months at this point, I have lost count how many times I just wanted to ask if you were okay, but you couldn’t bother to listen because you were stuck in your self-destruction! And now-now when you have the situation under control you still refuse to talk to me?! Not even to apologize just to talk?! And what the fuck am I supposed to do as you have the fucking time of your life with the rest of them but still refuse to even look at me?!" he was now barely below yelling level, shaking still and Karma was... he was itching to do something, anything to help but he couldn't. He had no right. Was he actually awake? Was this really happening?
"Get your shit together Karma and look me in the eye when I'm trying to talk sense into you!" Nagisa snapped when he looked away and Karma swallowed, choosing to look at the carpet instead. "Are you too much of a coward to look at me at all? What the fuck did I do for you to have abandoned me like this, huh?" now Nagisa's voice was coming back down from yelling, and instead filling with tears. Karma squeezed his eyes shut, but no matter if he couldn't see, he knew that Nagisa would say what he came to say, and then Karma would, no doubt be picking up the pieces of himself after the other boy left once and for all.
"Fuck you Karma, how fucking dare you do this to me! Do you have the slightest idea what I've been feeling these past weeks, months? No, you don't because guess what, it's me who can see damn emotions not you, you idiot! I know why you're doing this, why you think this will be good for me or some shit! BUT HEY KARMA, FUCK THAT!" Karma was pretty sure that he way crying along with Nagisa as he continued on his rant he was also reasonably sure that this was real, otherwise Nagisa would have pulled a knife already "You DO NOT get to decide that for me! It's my gods damned life, not yours!" he could feel something shattering inside of him, painlessly and yet so painfully. Karma shivered slightly, not even bothering to hide the tears that were now freely falling from his eyes as he finally looked up at Nagisa, fists balled and shoulders shaking.
"How many times do I have to tell you before it gets through your thick head, you don't fucking get to decide what's good for me - not you, not Karasuma-sensei, not any of my other friends." his voice was quivering as he practically whispered, choked up on his tears as he was. Karma felt shame flood his entire self because he was too smart to ignore the fact that Nagisa was completely in the right. "I can't take th-this impasse anymore, so please, either set me loose or let me in - because if you want nothing to do with me then I need to get over you, otherwise I'll be the next one to snap." Nagisa's tear filled words hung heavily in the air as Karma froze, bewildered eyes at long last daring to look into those jewel toned ones, the ones he's been avoiding for far too long. Did he hear that right? This wasn't real Did Nagisa just-just offer to stay? Why? Karma was so very confused as he stared at the crying mess in front of him. He had been consciously pushing him away, for months. He had been ignoring him for weeks at this point. Why would he still-why why why why?
"Why?" he breathed, lips having difficulty to form words "Why would you want to be anywhere near me still?"
Nagisa let out a chocked-up laugh, a bitter, bitter sound that grated on Karma's ears. That's not the sounds of Nagisa laughing, not even close.
"Because love you, you idiot." Nagisa said softly, with a serene, resigned expression on his face, reaching up to swipe at his wet cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt. "Because I miss my best friend. Because you're so... so important to me, and because it hurts to see what you've been doing to yourself." Karma was thoroughly dumbfounded, bewildered and shocked. He's been behaving horribly to Nagisa and still-he still considers him his best friend? Did he truly achieve nothing with pulling away? The realization was not earth shattering or world changing, but it surely felt that way as he gasped.
Of course not, of course he achieved nothing - because at the end of the day, painful or not, he had no right to-to just decide that Nagisa shouldn't be near him. Even if he knows that that was true, even if he still craved the presence of the other despite knowing he'd only bring him to his ruin.
Even if he did, because he did, decided that Nagisa shouldn't be near him for his own sake, even then, decisions like this were a two-way street. He could try to dictate what he himself felt and did, but he couldn't actually make Nagisa react the way he hoped he would. He was possibly the biggest hypocrite of them all because he wanted-still wants to- chase Nagisa far away from the destruction of his touch as he walked the shattered road down into the abyss of self-destruction. Curse it all he thought, because here he was, resolve already crumbling. And then-and then, just to add to the burning inferno of regrets, something else clicked in his head.
Something that Nagisa literally yelled at him moments before. See, Karma knew, on a theoretical level, that Nagisa's quirk amplified his previous sensitivity to what he called 'wavelengths' and expanded his ability to manipulate them drastically. He knew, in theory, that this meant that Nagisa could read other people's emotional state like a children's book full of pictures and color. Obviously and with ease.
He knew this and yet didn't.
Knowing in theory and in practice can be quite different in meaning, but they were never this far apart for Karma, a natural genius. However, in this instance, while Karma understood what Nagisa's Quirk did, it appeared that he managed to forget that it applied to himself, as well. He really went and tried to mask his true emotions with indifference in front of someone who would see through it like glass.
Well, Karma was nothing if not the king of glass houses.
Something, from the shattered pieces that was the current Nagisa finally made sense to him, and with the revelation of just what he was talking about, Karma suddenly felt very, very stupid. Because in his tirade of self-hatred due to his Quirk, he had, somehow, forgotten that those wavelengths Nagisa could see, they extended to probably more things than anyone would ever want to know about someone else.
And obviously, Nagisa was far too respectful to just bring up something he'd seen because he couldn't not see it. Once again, Karma felt increasingly stupid as he clambered out of his bed - naturally losing the fight with his bedding in the process and getting tangled up in his sheets as he did so- and more or less crawled over to Nagisa.
"Wh-what are you doing?" Nagisa squeaked in surprise as Karma, for possibly the first time in his life, got on his knees and bent forward, head millimeters above his hands in a perfectly executed formal bow.
"I am so fucking sorry." he managed to choke out the words, not that they were enough, throat hoarse and tears blinding him momentarily. "You're right, I'm an idiot." he conceded and moved to sit back on his ankles, staring up. "I'm sorry. I... really fucked this up" he let out a self-deprecating chuckle and then stiffened when a pair of hands landed on his shoulders.
"Karma,-" Nagisa's arms were still shaking as he tried to blink away his tears, mostly without success. Then suddenly, Karma had an armful of his sobbing, exhausted best friend sprawled on top of him, face buried in the crook of his neck and arms wound tightly around his neck. He hesitated only for a moment before he reached around shaking shoulders and pulled the sobbing mess tightly to his chest. Without thinking about it he buried his face in soft blue locks, breathing in the unfamiliar shampoo - Nagisa's hair didn't smell like strawberries and daisies anymore, instead it smelled like incense and sandalwood and something else, that he couldn't put his finger on. Despite the unfamiliar notes he found comfort in the musky scent. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, half sitting, half kneeling on the ground, clutching each other like a lifeline, but eventually, slowly but surely, Nagisa's sobbing ebbed into gentle sniffles and by then, Karma had also managed to mostly get his own tears under control.
"I Don't forgive you" Nagisa whispered into the silence, and it was like a punch to the gut, or better yet through his very soul. Not that he didn't deserve it. "Not yet at least." It was hard to see in the dim light, with the restored moon hiding behind errant clouds, but when Nagisa pushed him back and down so that he was laying on his back, he could still clearly see the soft glow emanating from his eyes. He used to think it was just his imagination, part of his weird fascination with Nagisa, back when they first met. Back when he first abandoned him.
"I tried-and-tried-and-tried to get you to at least listen to me, but you dismissed me each and every time." He was clearly still seething but this time there were no tears, only a whispered tone and slowly seeping bloodlust that clouded the air like miasma. "You do know it felt like second year of junior high all over again? Like you were suddenly too caught up in being cool to give a shit! You think you're the only one struggling? The only one with a dangerous quirk that could hurt others? How fucking dare you!" Nagisa was once again shaking, but the tears that Karma expected never came, instead it was more tendrils of bloodlust and with it a strange feeling, a strange burning that he couldn't quite place.
Nagisa leaned forward, pinning Karma's arms above his head as he continued on with his rant that he clearly needed to get out, and Karma was nothing if not willing to bare his very much justified anger. Soft blue tendrils of hair fell over his face, and he itched to move them away, to tuck them behind Nagisa's ears, but he was held down with enough leverage so that he couldn't have done that even if he tried.
"Do you really think that I was just fine? Just peachy in this fucking foreign world? After losing everything I ever knew? And then losing the one person who promised to always have my back? To never leave me behind?" a silent tear slid down Nagisa's cheeks and landed on Karma's neck. The burning sensation was back, and even stronger and now Karma could identify it quite easily-but it left him just as confused as before. Why was he getting turned on by this? Stop it
"And then you did just that-leave. Ignored me and dismissed me as if I couldn't fucking see what you feel, as if I didn't know that every time you look at me you never want to let go." His breathing hitched, heartrate quickening as Nagisa leaned even closer, bloodlust pouring off of him in waves and freezing Karma even further in his already immobilized state.
"But you were so adamant on destroying yourself that you never even considered that maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be given the choice. The choice of how I want to live my own damn life and who I want in it! But no, you decided that I deserved better than your sorry ass and then took the coward's way out by ignoring me." Karma couldn't have said a word to that, even if it wasn't the bloodlust that was choking him, he found that his breathing was getting harder and harder, how he was basically panting, and for whatever confusing reason, very much aroused and screaming in his own head from disgust with himself. nononono "I thought you respected me more than this, more than to just make my choices for me. I thought you respected me more than my mother did. Apparently, I was wrong." Karma wanted this to end, he wanted it very badly. He needed air and needed to calm the fuck down. He needed to stop being turned on by Nagisa explaining how much he hurt him. whywhywhywhyjuststopitpleasestopthisissonotokay
"Just like you were wrong, when you thought that you needed to protect me from your Quirk. Which I can now definitely turn off, by the way. Oh, and don't let me forget what a damn hypocrite you are, to think that only you have something that could hurt the rest of us." Karma was now getting dizzy, panting and infinitely ashamed. "You still don't see it? You still didn't realize it, Karma, you're supposed to be the smart one." Nagisa was now whispering directly into his ear and Karma just wanted air.
But then-
-it just
Stopped.
Everything stopped and air returned to Karma's lungs as if it has never left, his head was no longer fuzzy with lust and clouded with shame, instead there was only confusion. Nagisa moved to sit on the floor beside him, instead of straddling his torso, like he did previously. What had just happened?
"Incredible, I must be better than I thought." Nagisa said softly, gently brushing his fingers across Karma's brow. He leaned into the touch subconsciously, eyes sliding shut. He had no idea when the bloodlust dissipated. "Karma, you really don't understand that I just used my Quirk on you?" Karma's eyes snapped open - when did he even close them?
"What" his voice was raspy, as if he had just been strangled. He definitely felt like he was.
"Oh, you know, a bit of light demonstration," Nagisa had the gall to chuckle bitterly. "My sweet little Quirk can be quite versatile... while you may be able to basically render something nonexistent in time... I can simply just manipulate the brain's electric signals.... you know, like, emotions, vegetative functions... pain receptors, things like that."
Karma turned to face Nagisa, too exhausted to sit up or move at all, really. "I just pushed gently and slowly at your wavelengths and then increased the force slowly until I felt confident that I made my point. Which is that Quirks are all bullshit, we can all hurt each other. Maybe not physically, but we can. And excuse me for not wanting to demonstrate turning your pain receptors up until even the softest touch would feel like being whipped with a chain."
"I didn't know you could do that." he said instead of anything else that might have made more sense.
"Of course not, you haven't talked to me in ages." Nagisa huffed and then moved closer to him, his thighs against Karma's side.
"Sorry." he mumbled softly, turning to press his face into Nagisa's sleepshirt. He felt soft fingers carding thought his hair and let out a sigh.
"I have conditions." Nagisa said eventually. "Three of them, you need to accept them, it's the only way I'm willing to move forward together. And I do mean together, don't think I forgot that we never talked about that kiss."
"Anything." Karma's voice was slightly muffled and definitely too tired to make those kinds of promises. Oh well.
"No, I don't want something as ambiguous as 'anything'." Nagisa chuckled and forced Karma to turn his head up and look him in the eyes. "First condition is that we talk. Properly. Communication is very important, and I feel like this conversation should have, and could have, happened months ago. Clearly, you were being an idiot and needed to be reminded of that. I'm sure that there'll be a time where I'll be the idiot-you're going to have to tell me when it happens."
"Communication - seems fine so far." Karma agreed, even though it honestly sounded terrifying on several different levels.
"The second is closely related to the first term. We're going to open up our own corridor in the hive. Not permanently, but for, say, two months?"
"...okay." Karma couldn't say he was a fan of the idea, but if it was the price for Nagisa, he would be paying it without question. Besides, it was only Nagisa, who would be privy to his thoughts, certainly better than the entire class.
"And the third, we're going to spar regularly." That left Karma surprised, so he blinked up at Nagisa in confusion.
"That seems... underwhelming, somehow." he said, yawning in the process.
"Suck it up, we both need to get actual progress done and my classmates are useless. I'm sure you're in a similar position."
"Well yeah, but I did just say 'anything' and you came up with sparring." He slowly moved to sit up, leaning against the shorter boy.
"Karma... I don't need you to give me anything and everything." Nagisa said softly, touching his cheek gently. "I just need you to be you. And to talk to me when you get worried, or sad, or happy or anything at all. I don't need more than that." Karma wasn't sure which one of them started the movement, he only knew where they ended up, meeting in the middle with a blazing kiss, searing his lips in the cool night, and burning up every part of his body where they were touching. The last time they did this they were also both emotional and exhausted, but for wildly differing reasons. Now, though, it was better, it wasn't hurried and yet chaste, like the last time.
Instead of that, it was slow and steady, Karma practically melting into it. Nagisa was, after all, Bitch-sensei's top student in this field, no wonder he felt like his brain was about to flow down and out form his ears. They needed to break away, eventually, because they still needed air.
"Tomorrow," Nagisa started, breathing heavily and now that the moon was out from behind the clouds Karma could see the bright blush that ran all the way down his neck and faded into the wide neckline of his shirt. "tomorrow we'll talk about this, okay?" he asked and Karma nodded, opting to press soft kisses down Nagisa's jawline instead of talking.
"Tomorrow." he affirmed out loud, yawning again. With all the adrenaline and high emotions gone, and he was sure Nagisa was also feeling it, they were both about to crash. Then, he gestured towards his bed. "Come on, we should get some sleep." Nagisa followed without complaint and soon they ended up curled around each other, tucked under the blankets. For once, sleep came swiftly and without a fuss and Karma blacked out almost the moment his head hit the pillow.