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Jin Zixun is thirteen the first time his uncle brings him to a brothel. Jin Guangshan is all smiles and mysterious looks, passing him a fan to lounge with. It’s barely mid-afternoon. He says “Your father and I used to go out like this all the time.” He says “You’re just like we were at your age.” He says “You must be excited, now you’re nearly a man.”
It’s more nerves than excitement. Jin Zixun knows, of course, what happens in brothels. Even the more specific things. But he doesn’t know. He knows his uncle never took Jin Zixuan out for something like this, even though Zixuan is older. Jin Guangshan doesn’t lament the idea that his nephew takes after him more than his own son, but he’s spoken of it frankly. To him it’s simply a fact. His uncle isn’t shy about things he considers facts. He’s missed having someone to do these things with since Zixun’s father passed, or at least that’s what he says. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Zixun knows, remembers, that his father had given that up at least after Zixun had come into the world. Youthful indiscretions, immaturity, it hadn’t been death that had taken his uncle’s playmate from him. A difference in priorities, he’d heard father call it once. Not that he’d been above excuses. But he’d older, he’s Sect Leader, he’s the one weighed down by responsibilities. Maybe he hadn’t understood. He could probably understand now if he cared enough to, but understanding would only take him farther from pleasing his uncle. From being the kid his uncle wants him to be.
Jin Zixuan could have the responsibilities. He was older, he was Jin Guangshan’s son, one day he’d be Sect Leader. Jin Zixun is thirteen and he thinks the world of his uncle, hangs off every word he says, wants to be just like him, feels pride at the suggestion. But even he knows Jin Guangshan isn’t destined for immortality. He’s no Wen Ruohan.
The sights and sounds in the brothel assault his senses almost immediately. Here there is no mid-afternoon, no night and day. All the curtains are drawn and the lights are low. It isn’t what he’d call a spectacle, not what he’d been expecting. He’d expected dancing and music and smoke and laughter and sex. There are a few girls flitting about. One is fixing her makeup, another casts him a glance out of the corner of her eye. A dubious look. It makes him angry. I’m Jin-er-gongzi! He wants to say, can’t you recognize someone so powerful? The Second Young Master of the greatest cultivation clan?
But uncle isn’t saying anything, only hiding his face behind his fan as he looks out around the side. So Jin Zixun says nothing either.
“Do you like them?” Uncle says after a moment of Zixun looking around. Jin Zixun hadn’t considered it, which makes his chest burn. Isn’t that what he’s here for? To consider? Or, well, something more than consider, wasn’t that right? “Come along, I have a spot for us.”
For us. He goes with his uncle. He’s happy to do so. He doesn’t think of himself as too young. He doesn’t think of Jin Guangshan as fallible. But… It’s an odd sort of bonding activity. Maybe it can pass as normal for brothers, but for an uncle and his nephew? Even Jin Zixun knows he’s only a replacement. That this whole idea is nothing more than his uncle grasping on to the idea of youth. He can’t put it in so many words, but it almost feels… A bit embarrassing.
“Pull out the fan. Look around. Keep yourself from looking too exposed. Composure is key to everything Zixun. Ah, until you know it’s time, that is.”
He doesn’t need to ask what it will be time for. He looks around. The women… He’s sure they are beautiful. They’re older than him, as far as he can tell, but they are young enough. He lets his gaze roam over every one he sees. Huh, what is my preference? I hadn’t thought of it. Maybe he can just let his uncle pick out a girl for him. His uncle knows which girls are good. He knows Zixun’s preference better than himself. After all, he’s the one who told him what sort of girls he should like. What was attractive, acceptable. He’d never had any reason to doubt these words of Jin Guangshan’s.
She should be demure. Submissive. She shouldn’t know too many things, or have too much ambition. She should think only of you. She shouldn’t be too loud or discontent. Her body… Jin Zixun supposes it’s his choice what she should look like. Jin Guangshan always seems to know beauty when he sees it. Jin Zixun… Is having a hard time with it.
It’s only his first time. That’s probably why.
His uncle orders wine and fills his cup. “Take a drink. Loosen up.” He seems to be amused. Indulgence and patience, that’s what he gets. It’s nothing out of the ordinary but he feels he might be squandering it. Jin Zixun can’t be his father right away, can’t come in as comfortable as his uncle always is, but he is here. He wants to be here, really he does. Who wouldn’t want to have such an opportunity in such a place with an uncle who is the leader of the greatest cultivation sect in the country?
He drinks the wine and asks for more. He looks around again. He knows he can ask for his uncle to choose a girl. Jin Guangshan would probably even be amused and happy to teach him about such matters, but, he should probably be somewhat more confident. He’s Jin-er-gongzi, he knows what he wants and he doesn’t think twice about taking it. No doubts, no hesitation, except…
He doesn’t know what he wants. His uncle looks at him with that same amused half-hidden smile. “Is it overwhelming? Ah, was it like that my first time too? Don’t worry, you’re young. You’ll get used to it.”
Jin Zixun, for all that he takes after his uncle, for all that he loves being involved in the less savory things, the darker aspects of running the greatest of the five great sects, hits a wall here. He can talk punishment and discipline and disputes all happily with Jin Guangshan, ways to humiliate their enemies, torment them, turn them against each other. It’s fun. He likes it. He may not have his cousin’s style or grace, or the soft intelligence that others try to pretend is admirable, but some things are almost instinct to him. Uncle calls him brutal, never cruel, and he does it with a smile. He’s supposed to be brutal. But this… This shouldn’t be any different. But he doesn’t have any desire to get used to this.
Jin Guangshan finally chooses for him. Calls a girl over, bids her to share a drink with his nephew. “Always get her to drink with you. If she doesn’t…” He trails off. “But this one’s a whore, so it hardly matters.” The girl doesn’t flinch. She does share a drink with him. He forgets the taste of the liquor as soon as it’s down his throat. If the girl is hesitant she doesn’t show it, but that’s her job, right?
By the next morning Jin Zixun can’t remember a single thing about her.
*
When Jin Zixun is fourteen, Jin Guangshan shows him exactly what he ought to do with a girl who says ‘no’. It turns out not to be that much different than what to do with a girl who doesn’t. The lesson sticks with him well enough that his mind is fuzzy for days after.
After she’d given up pleading with his uncle, she’d even looked toward him. Stupid. Like he’d do anything. If he turns to me now, he had thought, I’ll be the one fucking you soon enough.
He thinks he should be turned on by it. His uncle isn’t shy to remind him, this is the sort of thing Jin Zixun likes. He likes to push people around. He likes to humiliate others. He likes to watch them cry. Doesn’t it make him feel good? Was he supposed to be getting off to it all this time? Jin Guangshan always praises him for his brutality, after all. Has he really been doing it wrong all this time?
That girl doesn’t come around anymore. Probably been moved away, or run away, or simply kicked out. She’s hardly the first one. Jin Zixun feels nothing too bad must have happened to her, because if it had, he’d have certainly been involved himself. That’s the sort of thing he likes after all. He doesn’t ask.
*
Jin Zixun is fifteen and like all other young masters from prominent enough sects, he’s being sent away to audit at Cloud Recesses. He remembers Jin Zixuan going to the last indoctrination. Uncle had given him a talk on how to behave, how to represent the Lanling Jin. It’s mostly the same for him. Don’t allow slights, don’t bend for anyone. Don’t humiliate yourself. Do well in lectures. Don’t get into fights (Zixuan had. If Zixuan had, what hope did Zixun have of avoiding fights?) To Zixuan he merely makes a note of the beauty of the girls in Gusu Lan. Laments that they’re kept so separate from the boys. Laments Zixuan’s unfortunate betrothal.
For Zixun he takes him to the side with a sly look around the back of his fan. Zixun is not Zixuan, he doesn’t have any unfortunate betrothal. He’ll definitely get into fights. He’ll definitely get into trouble. Jin Guangshan won’t mind. He’s just like him and heavens know the trouble Jin Guangshan got into in his youth. He tells Zixun the rules that are easiest to break. The best way to sneak around behind the backs of the instructors. How to get into the girls’ side of the Cloud Recesses. Where they spend their time. What they do. When will be the best time for him to take his chance. He doesn’t have to ask what sort of chance his uncle means. “The Lans have a demure beauty,” his uncle says, “eager to submit. They may act rather cold, but you know, the girls who are the most repressed are the wildest if you can get past it.”
“What if I can’t get past it?” He asks, as if he doesn’t remember his uncle’s lessons. He remembers his uncle’s lessons. But Jin Guangshan looks at him with a glint in his eye.
“The Gusu Lan will make a fuss if it’s one of their own. But they’ll hardly want to make problems with the Lanling Jin.” He leans in even further, so Jin Zixun can feel his voice against him, really a whisper now. “They all wear those ribbons, you know. The ones with clouds on their ribbons are members of the clan. The ones with plain ribbons aren’t. If I were Gusu Lan… I’d hardly pick a fight over something like that.”
Jin Zixun doesn’t have to ask what ‘something like that’ entails. He’s already caught on to his uncle’s drift. “If I weren’t a member of the clan,” Jin Zixun adds slowly, because this is the sort of intelligence he excels at, “I wouldn’t want to make troublesome accusations for the elders in the first place. Who would they rather believe?”
Jin Guangshan’s satisfaction with this answer, a certain pride tinging his eyes, is more than anything what makes Zixun excited. Pushes him into the role he should probably be getting used to by now. Just like Uncle.
*
Jin Zixun makes trouble. He always makes trouble. He makes trouble in the way he likes. He’s loud, he sleeps in, he doesn’t pay attention during lectures, he wears too many accessories. There are too many rules in the Cloud Recesses. He complains about them loudly to anyone whether they’ll listen or not. He complains at meals that there’s no meat. He complains at the guest quarters that there’s nothing to drink. And he complains on the walkways just going from one place to another. There’s probably a rule against complaining, and if there is he’ll complain about that too.
“Just go home then.” The voice is so soft he almost doesn’t hear it. He probably wasn’t supposed to hear it, he figures, by the way the disciple's eyes widen slightly as Zixun turns back on him. The disciple is small, older than him but not by much. Like the girls his uncle wants him to like. His eyes are sharp, even widened in… What is it, shock? Fear? Whatever it is seems to swell the beating of his heart. This Lan disciple, he should be afraid! He’s… The headband he wears is plain. But he still has the look of a soft, submissive little Lan.
You’re supposed to think that way about the female disciples. He doesn’t really think to hard about it at all. The Lan disciple was already on the stairs when he spoke. Jin Zixun only crosses the slight distance between them in two heavy strides. He bunches the front of the Lan’s robes before he can be given a chance to think, to reply to the lack of words Jin Zixun has used. He pulls forward hard and then shoves the Lan disciple bodily off the stairs so he lands in the courtyard. He doesn’t look around to check if anyone saw it. So what if they did? What difference would it make now?
“Mind your business! Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Second Young Master of Lanling Jin! You aren’t even a real Lan!”
The disciples eyes are shining. He looks angry. He might cry.
He doesn’t cry. What a pity.
Jin Zixun storms off as if he’s made a point, ignoring the blood thrumming in his ears, singing with something he doesn’t want to hear. He’d have looked so pretty, if he’d cried.
He keeps an eye out for the boy after that. Not for any… Not for any particular reason. But if he sees him again… Well causing trouble is something to do. Did he keep quiet about Zixun pushing him down because he knew it wouldn’t matter, or had he tried to tell someone and been brushed aside? Either way worked well for him. Because the next time surely, he could do a little more.
*
His name is Su She, that’s what he finds out, once they are admonished by an elder for running in the Cloud Recesses. Well, clearly Jin Zixun had been giving chase. The Lan elder ignores this, just as Jin Zixun figured he would. Just as Uncle had suggested. What more should he do for an unlucky Outer disciple. At least neither of them were going to be punished with lashes, only sent to the library to do chores. Jin Zixun doesn’t do chores, but he plays along with listening.
“We got in trouble.” Jin Zixun says, a snaking smile appearing on his lips. The Lan disciple, Su She, looks at him with a tentative sort of anger. “Don’t you like playing with me?”
“Playing?” It seems his quiet resentment can’t keep that back anymore. “No. What do you call playing? All you do is hit me!”
What doesn’t he understand about that? “Well? Well? Am I hitting you? Look, aren’t we just talking?”
Right now, they are just talking, as they head to the library. Su She’s bemused gaze slides from his face down to the knees of his own robes which are scuffed and dirtied from being shoved on the ground. He doesn’t say anything in response.
“Well, we can’t just be talking if you don’t talk back. How disrespectful!” He is Jin-er-gongzi after all. “Would you rather I just hit you?”
A pause of silence and then, “…No.”
Jin Zixun doesn’t hit him hard then, just a quick one to the side of his face as they’re walking. Su She doesn’t even stumble, but Jin Zixun can tell from his expression he wasn’t expecting it.
“Why?” He asks softly, as if he doesn’t know.
“For not being respectful! You know who I am! Address me as Jin-er-gongzi!”
Su She grits his teeth, the muscles in his face tensing up. His eyes angry but resigned, the frown plastered on his face deepening. He’s cute. And there’s the thought that leaves him feeling that he’s been hit, and not just a little. A right punch to the gut. Through the gut. He’s never thought that unbidden before, not for any of the girls his uncle has shown him. It doesn’t matter, he tries to convince himself. He can take what he wants, and if this is what he wants, who would tell him no? His uncle didn’t even say it had to be a girl, did he? Just that they had to wear that plain headband that marked them as less important.
Su She wears that plain headband. Su She isn’t important. Jin Zixun can do what he wants.
*
Jin Zixun causes trouble at the library. Instead of sorting, he makes a mess. Pulls down entire shelves of scrolls and does nothing to help Su She set things to rights. Su She clearly wants to scream at him, but he doesn’t. There’s no one else around right now, Su She is at his mercy. He’s never been very merciful.
Su She is almost weary with the exasperation, tense with the stress of dealing with Jin-er-gongzi, when he fixes the last of the books on the shelf. It looks nice. Neat. Jin Zixun has been sitting and watching him this whole time. He feels almost leisurely, like he’s watching a performance. Now the performance is over, he finds he isn’t done watching it yet. He stands from his seat while Su She isn’t looking, but Su She hears him anyway. Still, he’s too late turning around and Jin Zixun’s kick catches him in the side rather than the back or the front. It sends him toppling into the shelf he’d just fixed up, as it was meant to, all the books he’d just picked up falling over top of him.
When Su She’s eyes meet his they’re prickling with hot tears of anger. Finally, he thinks. Gods, is it ever hot. Without letting him take the chance to get up, to even put the books to the side, Jin Zixun gets down on the floor to cover the smaller body with his own. One of his hands he uses to prop himself up, the other bunches in the front of Su She’s robes. He ignores the books, they slide off Su She’s body without much input from him anyway. He presses Su She down into the floor of the library and shoves their lips together.
Judging by the kicking and screaming that follows, Su She hadn’t been expecting that either.
It’s hard to hold him down like this with how hard he’s fighting. Hard to hold him down and kiss him at the same time, so he pulls away trying to grab at Su She’s arms, capture his legs under his own. It’s the wrong move though, because with his mouth uncovered, Su She’s screams get louder.
“Stop! Stop! Stop it! What are you doing? Stop!” With all that racket someone will definitely come in and find them here. He ignores the growing hardness in his robes, scowls, then pulls Su She up by the robes, only a little, before slamming his body down so his head hits against the floor. He’s crying in pain now, maybe even in fear. It’s pretty, so pretty, and he wants nothing more than to continue, but…
“Shut up!” He hisses, and gets up from the ground himself. “Don’t cause trouble for me.”
“Don’t cause trouble for you?” Su She gapes at him, tears finally staunched. He says it as if he doesn’t understand but, he does understand. Even Jin Zixun can feel how much he hates that understanding. But Su She doesn’t rail against him, doesn’t even ask him any questions. He picks himself up and gets started on setting the books back onto the shelves.
When someone does finally come in from outside to see what the matter is, it’s Su She who tells them it’s nothing. “We got a little too… Well, the books fell, that’s all.” His voice is soft, quiet, resigned. His gaze more numb than angry when Zixun practically beams up at him from where he’s sitting again.
“I knew you’d be smart about this. I hope we can play together again soon.”
Su She doesn’t dignify that with an answer.
*
Su She is shaking outside the doors to Jin-er-gongzi’s private rooms. Whether it’s with fear or anger or something between the two, it doesn’t concern Jin Zixun. At first, he’d only ‘kept an eye out’ for the Lan disciple, but after what happened at the library, Jin Zixun took a more active role in pursuing the other boy.
Jin Zixun found out where the other boy sleeps, what he does all day, what sorts of things he treasures. Su She owns a silver qin and he practices the Lan signature musical cultivation extensively. Jin Zixun has no ear for music, but when he watched Su She play, he could almost forget that. Su She was beautiful when he played, so he must play beautifully.
He lets the boy in and shuts the door behind him and no sooner has he done that is Su She grabbing onto his robes and demanding, “Where is it?”
Jin Zixun shows him through to where he’s sat the qin down on his bed. It’s after nine. Su She shouldn’t be out. But Jin Zixun had known he would be. He’d left him a note telling him to come if he wants to get the qin back, and he’s seen first hand how much Su She loves that thing. And here he is. “Don’t get so agitated! It’s right here, don’t you see?”
“Give it back.”
“Not yet.” It’s almost chilling to see the quiet anger the Lan disciple has. But even this too is something to savor. “Why do you think I took it in the first place? Just to give it back?”
“What do you want?” Su She asks, his voice breaking on the last word. He knows what Jin Zixun wants. Is he hoping Jin Zixun will say something different?
Maybe he will. “I want you to play for me.”
Su She blinks up at him, just for a moment seeming truly vulnerable. Just for that moment Jin Zixun is overtaken by the feelings it stirs within him. If Su She plays for him, on the qin, in his bed, looking at him with that expression, wouldn’t it be just as if they were truly lovers?
Then Su She answers him. “…I won’t.” And the thought comes crashing down. Even though he didn’t voice the feelings he’d had, hadn’t so much as shown a hint of them, they curdle into shame within him. What am I thinking? Now Jin Zixun is angry, now Jin Zixun is desperately holding back the hot tears of anger and… He needs to punish Su She. Isn’t it all his fault?
He shoves Su She away before he can discern anything from Jin Zixun’s reaction. He stomps angrily over to where he’s laid the qin on the bed. Stupid. Why is it there? He’s mad at it too, as if it has done anything at all. He grabs it with both hands and lifts it. An instant later he’s smashing it down against the ground with all the spiritual power thrumming within him.
He thinks he hears Su She scream. It feels good. He’s the one in charge. You should have just played for me.
Su She falls to his knees. He’s crying now, not even trying to hold it back. It’s hardly pretty. He’s choking on sobs. Something feels… But it’s good, it’s powerful, it’s what he wanted. And Su She won’t stop crying. Jin Zixun looks down at the thing at his feet. It isn’t salvageable, even he can see that. But he’s a Lan and he plays, surely it isn’t that big of a deal.
He isn’t a member of the Lan Clan. He’s an outer disciple. Something like this… Is probably a very big deal.
Su She is still crying, small body wracked with the strength of the sobs, jerking almost unnaturally. Is he even breathing? It isn’t… He can’t even enjoy the power play, he just feels… “Stop. Stop crying, alright?” Su She isn’t listening to him. Or he’s choosing not to hear. “I’m the Second Young Master of Lanling Jin, so you think I can’t replace something like this?”
That has the sobbing finally slowing down. Then it comes to a stop. Su She looks up at him with eyes that look like they’ve only just been raised from the dead. “…Will you?”
Oh, there, he’s got it. He has his hooks in now. Even if he didn’t know for a while where things were going, he can see them clear enough now. “Of course I can replace it. If you can earn it.”
Su She blinks at him, but he understands almost instantly what Jin-er-gongzi means.
Jin Zixun sits himself on the edge of the bed, away from the broken remains of the silver qin and begins undoing the belt on his robes. “You know, if you’d only just played for me when I asked, you wouldn’t have to do this. But I guess you just thought yourself too good for that. Are you even good enough to ask the Gusu Lan for a replacement qin yourself?”
His words brought forward the sort of tears he liked to see. Silent and subdued. The kind that are for him. The kind he can control. Su She doesn’t even bother getting up. He merely crawls forward until his head is nearly touching Zixun’s knee. Jin Zixun appreciates that at least. He hadn’t even needed to ask. He hadn’t thought to ask. But Su She is smart he realizes, he can tell what he’ll like before Zixun himself knows. He reaches down to give Su She a pat on the head, fingers catching in his tightly bunched hair. Su She’s eyelids droop ever so slightly at the touch. As if he were trying to hide that… That maybe he liked that.
His pants are too tight, he shifts where he’s sitting so he can get rid of them. They only fall to around his knees, but at least he gets his cock out. Despite not really enjoying Su She’s… prior reaction, he’s fully hard, fist wrapped around the length. He’s never cared much, what people think of it, when he’s taken it out before in brothels or at home. Now he wants to know what Su She thinks, but Su She isn’t giving anything away. Jin Zixun’s fingers clench around the topknot of his hair. “Go on then, earn it.”
And oh, does Su She earn it. His mouth isn’t eager when it touches him, but it’s soft and pliant, warm and wet. His hand in Su She’s hair acts like more of a guide than a full on director. As much as Su She seems disinclined to do this, he doesn’t hesitate. Is the qin that important to you? I should have broke it sooner!
Or maybe, if he had simply given him one without any of the other drama, he’d have gone to his knees like this willingly. The thought has him moaning. As if what is happening doesn’t already have him moaning. It’s hot. It’s good. He wants more. He’s Jin-er-gongzi, doesn’t he deserve to have more? “Agh, aren’t you such a slut? If you want this so badly, why did you stop me in the library?”
Su She makes a noise that must be some form of disagreement, but the shock of the humming around his cock have him on the edge. He thrusts fully, with vigor, bracing his feet against the floor. Fully uncaring what he’s doing to chase that high, because it has never felt this good before. And then he’s gasping out the other’s name while he’s coming down his throat and Su She is sputtering against it, but he makes him swallow it all before he can get away. Jin Zixun is flushed and panting and Su She looks utterly debauched. He pats his head again but Su She doesn’t respond to that.
He could hand over the money now, like Su She’s nothing but a whore paid to suck him off. Surely he has enough on him to pay for the qin. But it seems a little much, he can deal with it later.
Su She’s voice is shaking, his throat probably sore, but it’s still so delightfully soft. “I didn’t think you knew my name, Jin-er-gongzi.” He says. There is nothing in his eyes to give away how he feels about that. In fact, there seems to be no emotion in his eyes at all. He looks almost perfectly blank.
Jin Zixun chooses to ignore it. “When you do have a new qin… You will play for me, won’t you?”
Still nothing. “Of course, Jin-er-gongzi.” And Jin Zixun can’t even complain about him not saying ‘Jin-er-gongzi’. Has he known how to be this obedient the whole time? By now he seems like he's made to submit. The perfect sort of Lan his uncle told him about, except that Su She is a boy.
Oh well, it’s just this once. Surely once you’re back in a place where girls are an option… But he already knows he’s lying to himself. It’s never been like this before. As far as he can tell, it will never be like this again.
Su She looks like he’s waiting to be dismissed. He doesn’t want to dismiss him. “Isn’t it well after dark? Where are you going to go? Won’t you get in trouble if you’re out past curfew.”
Su she looks for a moment to be almost incredulous. A second later the trace of emotion is gone. “Are you suggesting I stay here?”
“We could say we were studying together, once they find you out of your bed.” It will be harder to explain how his qin got smashed, but that will be a problem regardless.
Su She takes one look at Jin Zixun. He takes one more look at the shattered remains of the silver qin. He wipes the spit and semen from his face with the back of his hand, scowling down at it when he looks. “I’ll take my chances out there.” He says simply.
And then he’s gone.
*
Su She doesn’t report even this. Or if he does, nothing comes of it. Jin Zixun does admit to smashing the qin though. It’s an open secret he’s been doing cruel things to Su She after all. His uncle comes down, yet again to the Cloud Recesses. He seems annoyed more than anything, at having to fork over the money for a new qin, for an outer disciple who isn’t even really a Lan. He scolds Zixun later, “You didn’t have to admit to it. They wouldn’t have bothered.”
Jin Zixun can’t tell him the real reason why he admitted to it. Even to himself, he doesn’t want to admit it. Surely it doesn’t matter. It’s done now. It’s in the past. He’s moving on. He’s going home.
He won’t even think of it again.