Chapter Text
“Feldspar wants to talk to you.”
Hornfels looked up from the observatory’s monitor, whatever they had been typing up immediately forgotten. Gossan stood to their side, arms crossed with a tension in their jaw. Their stomach twisted, and Gossan must’ve seen it on their face because they add, “I know, but I think they’ll behave themself this time.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to see them.”
“Then take your time, not like they’re going anywhere.” Hornfels huffed a little laugh at that - it was funny how horrible the timing of their argument was, what with how Feldspar was now stuck with them here and couldn’t fly off to some distant planet to skulk. Well, all things considered, maybe it was actually a good thing they were stuck.
“Just need to convince myself I’m not walking into a trap.” Gossan gave a nod, taking a step back for Hornfels to collect themself. They knew they would have to go now, being as ready as they’ll ever be.
Feldspar wasn’t in Gneiss’s cabin - they had been staying in their old home more and more often as they got their energy back. It wasn’t that far from the village’s heart, but far enough that it owed itself some privacy. The cabin itself had been a recent point of contention amongst the villagers. It was mostly empty, and no one slept in it since Feldspar was almost always off planet. Half the village wanted to reuse it for the next generation, per tradition, and move Feldspar’s things to storage. The other half wanted to turn it into something of a landmark in dedication to Feldspar. Neither side had gotten very far in achieving their prospective goal, and Hornfels secretly hoped neither side ever would.
They stared at the door for a moment, just tracing the way the wood grain swirled and flowed. It struck them that this would be the first time they’d ever actually set foot in Feldspar’s cabin. They had inherited the cabin just before their first launch, and so their actual time spent occupying it was short lived. Even when they were staying here, Hornfels never really had any reason to visit - Feldspar always found them first. In the past, they would sometimes find themself gazing at it, wondering what its owner might be exploring at that moment.
They took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
“Yeah?” Their voice came muffled through the door. Hearing Feldspar acknowledge them after all this time, even if they didn’t realize it was them, felt weird. They didn’t know what to say, so they just opened the door.
Feldspar was standing in front of the only table the entire cabin had, sorting through what looked like their old clothes. They looked up from the clothes they were holding, backlit by the window on the other side of the main room. It was hard to see their expression, but it couldn’t have been a very cheery one. A beat passed of them just looking at each other, then Hornfels took a step into the cabin, shutting the door behind them. And well, Feldspar wasn’t yelling at them to leave, so it seemed like a great improvement from last time.
“Gossan said you wanted to talk.” Hornfels decided to be as straightforward as possible, since hemming and hawing last time hadn’t gotten them anywhere.
“Yeah,” they breathed, setting the clothes down. A beat passed, they both stood awkwardly, the space between them just a bit too wide for a conversation in an empty room.
Feldspar looked around, and limped over to sit in a wicker chair near their old bed. Hornfels ignored the pang of annoyance at Feldspar’s idiotic choice to be walking around without their crutches. If they said anything about it now they’d probably just send the whole conversation tumbling south. Hornfels took two steps over and stopped to lean against the wall, still a safe distance away. Something in Feldspar’s expression told them they took notice of the distance. Good or bad, they weren’t sure. Feldspar was being very careful in schooling their expression.
A few seconds passed, neither looking at the other.
“Gneiss says I’ve been healing pretty quickly, and that I’m well on my way to clearing the physical.“ Feldspar started, taking the lead. Good, with how twisted Hornfels stomach felt they weren’t sure they could lead this conversation. ”Then, once my ship is working again, I’ll probably head back to Brittle Hollow.”
“Sounds good.” Hornfels nodded slowly, eyes closed. They didn’t miss that Feldspar conveniently left out the part where Hornfels would first have to clear them for launch.
“Yeah, did I tell you about the building the Nomai built that hangs right above the Black Hole?” Feldspar‘s voice was still steadily distant, but Hornfels could still pick up on an undercurrent of their signature excitement when talking about another planet. They refused to get pulled in.
“You mentioned it before, yes.” Hornfels scratched at their chin, and leaned a little further into the wall.
“I’m gonna try to get inside it, hopefully avoid getting sucked into the Black Hole.” Feldspar was bold enough to give them a small grin.
Hornfels did not return it.
“Good luck.”
The grin dropped and Hornfels stood straight again.
“Well, if that’s all you wanted to tell me.” They took a step back, and Feldspar stiffened.
“Wait.” Their voice was vaguely urgent, but after a beat they hummed in frustration. “Stars, you’re more stubborn than I thought,” they muttered under their breath, and Hornfels almost laughed at how bad Feldspar was at apologizing. They turned towards the front door.
“Okay, if you’re just going to insult me again, I’m definitely leaving. Bye.” Their hand was on the doorknob.
“Wait! Wait a second, seriously.” Hornfels waited. “I’m sorry, okay?” Hornfels turned to face them.
“‘Okay?’” Hornfels couldn’t control their face anymore, their lips downturned and a glare reaching their eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Feldspar repeated, meeting their eyes and speaking evenly. “I shouldn’t have said all that stuff.”
Hornfels silently returned to where they had been standing.
“I don’t know… I don’t know why I even said what I did. Or well…” They sighed, closing their eyes. “I just shouldn’t have said it. I was being stupid.” They glanced at Hornfels, and winced. “More so than usual.”
“Do I really bother you that much?” Hornfels ignored the joke, pulling from one of the many questions that had been swirling in their mind these past few weeks. They still wanted to know if it was some deeper truth Feldspar had been hiding, or if maybe it had just been the type of lashing out a wounded animal might do.
“No- no, you don’t, I just,” Feldspar rubbed a hand down their face, sighing. Hornfels didn’t let them continue, a fire in their chest only growing.
“Because if you’re so bothered by me, I could always have Gossan take over when you need to check in. We can work around our disagreement to keep Ventures running.” They put on a voice, as if all of this was beneath them. They were being downright petty, they knew it, but the selfish part of them still wanted to hurt Feldspar back.
Feldspar seemed to crack a little at their words.
“Hornfels, you don’t bother me. I mean it.” Feldspar held their gaze with them, and didn’t back down, determined to show their intention in their eyes. It was difficult for Hornfels to keep their eyes on the other and not begin tracing the way their bandages held them together. Eventually, something between them snapped, and Hornfels had to look away, feeling cowardly. Feldspar sighed, and looked away as well, out the window. They both sat in uncomfortable silence for a moment, soaking in the last rays of light outside.
Eventually, Feldspar continued speaking, “I was hoping you wouldn’t bring up the call - when we talked, that is.”
“You didn’t even get to finish what you had been saying, though.” They spoke quietly, the previous fire snuffed out by the way Feldspar’s voice seemed to waver. Again, the two began the awkward dance of talking around the thing instead of about it.
“I didn’t think I needed to - didn’t you get the gist of it?”
Hornfels didn’t want to admit that, well, maybe they did. Maybe they understood exactly what Feldspar had been saying after the first few sentences, but they didn’t want to accept it. Maybe all this dancing around they were doing was because Hornfels was too scared to hear it repeated again.
“Hornfels…” Feldspar sounded disappointed, a tone they hadn’t heard their friend take on in years. Hornfels took a step back, suddenly defensive.
“You lost a lot of blood, how was I supposed to know if you meant it or not?” They ignored the way Slate’s words about Feldspar were repeating in their head. This stubborn insistence that maybe Feldspar was just delirious was the only lifeline Hornfels had.
Speaking in a voice so entirely unlike Feldspar it made Hornfels wonder if maybe they really had died out there, they quietly said, “I meant it.”
“You - “ Hornfels cut themself off, the look in Feldspar’s eyes telling them any arguing would be pointless. It had been pointless during the call, it would be pointless now.
Hornfels didn’t know what to do with themself.
Feldspar sat back in their chair, and after a few seconds their leg began to bounce anxiously. Then they shifted again, hand on their face as they looked intensely at nothing in particular. They were growing restless - they wanted to say something. Hornfels took a few steps closer, as if there was ever any other direction they’d want to go, and Feldspar took a deep breath.
“It… It was really scary, being hit by something I didn’t even see coming. I remembered how fragile I really am. I think somewhere along the way I must’ve forgotten.” They spoke a little faster than before, like if they didn’t get the words out now they might burn their tongue. Hornfels diligently held onto each word that tumbled out, cradling them as if they had the universe in their arms. Feldspar looked up at them. “Living in my own little world, right?”
“That’s not- I didn’t mean that.” Hornfels had to clear their throat to speak, a lump had begun growing there.
“No, you were right.” Feldspar set their jaw, as if daring them to argue, and all Hornfels could do was give a disapproving hum. It was painful to hear them use Hornfels’ mindlessly thrown insults to further their truth. “I wanted to go to space, and I did. I feel like every day since I’ve been chasing that first launch. Trying to find something even better to top it, to be the first at everything.” The lack of energy, of excitement, in their voice felt like a knife carving Hornfels heart out. Feldspar looked down at their hands, “But I never really was the first, in the grand scheme of things - the Nomai did everything before I was even a twinkle in the universe’s sky.”
Hornfels hated the way they were speaking, as if they were on their deathbed, giving final confessions before the cold crept in. Despite this, they couldn’t bring themself to stop them, trapped in rapt attention. They had rarely, if ever, heard this level of raw honesty escape Feldspar’s mouth.
“I didn’t even realize it until now… My story is already over, isn’t it? Once Riebeck leaves and learns more about what happened to the Nomai, I’m sure my little adventures will sound like boring old camping trips.” They let out a soft laugh, completely devoid of any actual humor.
“That’s not true…” Hornfels tried, and immediately winced at how pathetic they sounded. Their soft plea wouldn’t convince anyone, least of all Feldspar.
“But it is.” Feldspar shot back, voice firm but still somber. “I even have a little plaque dedicated to me in the museum, just like all those other long dead Nomai.”
Hornfels stood a little taller, hoping their height would at least lend them some courage. “No, the - the hatchling that you were talking to the other day, you know they look up to you, right? They want to be just like you, someday.”
“They’re crazy,” Feldspar muttered, shaking their head.
“So were you.”
“And look where it got me.” The way they said it caused Hornfels to bristle.
“Can you just stop?” Hornfels said, and Feldspar’s surprised reaction caused them to pause, pinching the bridge between their eyes. They had spoken a little more forcefully than they would have liked, but at least Feldspar seemed to actually be paying attention to them now. They exhaled, trying to collect themself and their whirling thoughts. “You were never some… legend to us. You have nothing to prove - to chase. You’re not ‘Feldspar the Great’ to me, you’re my friend…” Feldspar’s face was unnaturally blank, and it was difficult to meet their eyes as they continued, “I miss you when you’re not here.”
“You do?” They looked like someone had slapped them.
“Of course I do!? We all do!” Hornfels had no idea how they could question that, despite everything they had been through. Had they really not believed it, after all this time? “B-but I don’t complain, because I know you love space, and it’s all you’ve ever wanted. But I… but c’mon Feldspar! Your village loves you!”
Hornfels gestured towards the door, towards all the hatchlings and Hearthians that would stop Hornfels and ask when they were expecting Feldspar back. That would share their favorite memories of Feldspar to Hornfels unprompted. That would gasp and smile and nod along when Hornfels would tell them about Feldspar’s latest discovery.
That were devastated when they saw Feldspar’s limp body transported out of Gossan’s ship.
“‘My village’?”
“Yes!” Hornfels wasn’t shouting, but their voice had as much force as they could manage at its level. “Did you really start all this just to achieve something? To give yourself a name? What happened to- to the thrill of it all? To…” Their mind reached for something, something to convince them, something Feldspar had said to them. “To just being in space?” It was nothing elegant or particularly poetic, but then again, little about Feldspar was.
Feldspar’s wide eyes relaxed, and they sank a little in their chair. Hornfels tried not to be alarmed by how quickly they seemed to be withdrawing.
“…Maybe I forgot about that too…”
Feldspar grew still, gaze lowered, rubbing their thumb across the scales on the back of their hand. Hornfels wanted to pace the room, to keep telling Feldspar about how important they were to everyone, but they could tell the pilot was deep in thought. Maybe they were actually internalizing what Hornfels had said for once.
They hesitantly took those last few steps closer, settling on the edge of Feldspar’s old bed. It creaked, sounding as if no one had touched it in years. Did Feldspar even sleep in this bed when they were visiting? Did they do anything in this cabin? Who’s to say they weren’t neglecting it to spend every night on Hearth wrapped up in their sleeping bag outside so they could stare at the night sky. It would be so very like them to do so.
Feldspar finally looked at them, shoulders slouched, eyes tired.
“I don’t want you to miss me when I’m not here,” they spoke, just above a murmur.
“I don’t really think you can control that.” Hornfels returned, their voice just as soft.
“No, but… Look at my hands.” Feldspar stopped their fidgeting to hold both their hands out. Hornfels glanced between them and their owner.
“What about them?” They weren’t sure where this was going, and felt a simmering anxiety about it.
“Just look, and show me yours.” Feldspar sounded slightly exasperated, but kept the tender curve to their voice.
Hornfels complied, holding out both their hands, and Feldspar pulled on them so that they were palms up. Feldspar held their hands out, mimicking Hornfels. It took Hornfels a second to realize what Feldspar was trying to show them.
Hornfels palms were soft and smooth, only wrinkled by age. Their fingers were slender, longer. They had a black stain on their left thumb, probably from some recent paperwork they handled.
Feldspar’s palms were calloused, with small scars scattered across them. Their fingers were thick and their knuckles looked swollen, probably from numerous healed injuries. There was a blooming purple bruise under the scales around their right wrist.
“Wow, your hands are more delicate than I thought. What, do you spend all day picking flowers?” Feldspar joked, a small smile flickering on their face as they looked up at Hornfels.
“No!” They quickly countered, feeling a bit embarrassed but enjoying the warmth of hearing Feldspar joke around with them again. They leaned closer, examining Feldspar’s palms further. “I… I didn’t realize they were so different…”
“Probably because I wear my gloves all the time. Not the prettiest under all my gear, I’ll admit.” They waved a hand in front of their face, smirking.
“Well…” Hornfels trailed off, unsure if what they wanted to say would ruin the moment. Feldspar still laughed, and Hornfels was beyond relieved to actually hear their friend’s heart in it.
“Right,” They grinned, and despite the weight they both felt, Hornfels soaked it in as much as they could. They were glad they did, as it disappeared just as suddenly, replaced with that same somber look from before. “I just wanted to show you - I am who I am.”
“Yeah,” Hornfels spoke slowly, feeling that there was more to this. They both slowly returned their hands to their lap, and Feldspar sighed.
“So… so don’t miss me, okay?” The way they said it, Hornfels knew they meant more than just the months they were away from home. They suddenly felt sick.
“Feldspar…” They couldn’t help the way their brows creased in concern, wishing their hands were still close so they could grab Feldspar’s.
“I mean it. You were right, again. I do still love the thrill of it all. I’ll need to leave again soon. And I know you guys care about me, but…” They looked away, and Hornfels so badly wanted to pull them back, to see the pained expression in their face.
“You just need to be careful, we can add more safety features to your ship - Gossan is making Slate do it for all the new ones.” Hornfels rushed to argue, sitting up a little straighter on the bed.
“Hornfels, I know you mean well...” Feldspar turned, but their eyes were still distant.
“And our radios are getting better and better at long distance, so even if you go on the other side of the system, I’m sure one day we’ll be able to hear you.” They could fix this, they could prevent things from getting worse. There was always a solution somewhere. There had to be.
“Hornfels,” Feldspar lifted their chin, looking directly into Hornfels eyes, a determination there that felt wrong, “I always try to beat around the bush for your sake, but maybe that isn’t what you need, so I'll just say it again.” They paused only long enough to take a breath. “I’ll die out there some day, and you might never find my body.”
“Wh-“
“I’ll die, and it won’t be anyone’s fault but mine.” Feldspar didn’t stop, even when Hornfels' lip began to wobble and their eyes became wet. “And I know you said you’ll miss me, but please don’t miss me for too long, okay? If you can’t find me after a few weeks, I think it’s safe to say I won’t be coming back.”
It had come back to this, despite the attempts on Hornfels side to avoid it again. To push it back, away, to try to save Feldspar. It seemed the other was determined to let their awful truth be heard.
The two maintained eye contact for about half a second before Hornfels burst into tears. All the stress of their conversation, of Feldspar just outright accepting death like that, had finally gotten to them.
“Oh, don’t cry.” Feldspar had the audacity to try to comfort them, leaning close and laying a hand on their arm. It did not help. They curled further into themself, hands busy wiping at their eyes and nose.
“You- you’re crazy,” they hated how their voice wobbled, feeling like they were 20 years younger than they actually were. “How can you say that you’ll die some- someday and we won’t even be able to bury you and then you t- tell me ‘don’t cry.’” They looked at Feldspar through their fingers, their pinched face only stabbing at their heart further. “I-I thought you were just scared, I really didn’t want you to mean it.” Feldspar leaned back, a look on their face that Hornfels couldn’t parse.
“…Did you not ever realize? Ever since the beginning I’ve known - the stars will be my grave one day.” They looked up, though without the sky above them it just felt… wrong.
“Stop it.” Hornfels tried to sound firm despite the way they were sniffling.
“Hornfels… I’m sorry, I don’t know how else to… live, to be.” Hornfels couldn’t even tell if they actually sounded sorry or not, and they weren’t sure which was worse.
“Please, just stop.”
And they did. They stayed silent while Hornfels quietly cried, trying to figure out how to mourn someone who was still alive. Hornfels couldn’t bring themself to look them in the eyes anymore, no matter how badly they wanted to. They knew if they did there would be no lies hiding under a sly grin, or a half truth behind their eyes. They had truly meant everything they said with their whole heart. It didn’t make finally accepting it any easier.
Neither of them were very touchy people, Hornfels didn’t really care much for physical affection, and the most you could get out of Feldspar was a punch to the arm. Despite this, the both of them hesitantly opened their arms and accepted the other. As much as they might not want to admit it, there were some things only a hug could say. When you were drenched to your bones in fog, surrounded by remains bigger than your body, warding off starvation with what little rations you had left. When you were falling asleep at your desk, your heart never quite finding its old rhythm, waiting silently for the radio to come to life and push the dread of loss back a little longer. Well, a hug would’ve been really nice in those moments.
Feldspar clung a little tighter, and Hornfels buried their face in their astronaut’s neck. They hadn’t noticed until then that Feldspar’s face was also wet with tears.
“Just, stay a little longer this time, please?”
“I will,” was how it ended.