Chapter Text
After admitting his own feelings to himself, Johnny decided that there’s no use avoiding Mark anymore. He can’t anyways. Because now that they live only a few blocks away, it almost feels like Mark is everywhere.
He was there when Johnny picked his coffee in his favorite cafe; he was there when Johnny did grocery shopping; he was there when Johnny left the lobby to walk towards his office. Mark is everywhere, like, literally. It almost feels like the boy knows Johnny's daily routine and just shows up everywhere on purpose.
Johnny stopped being surprised after the fifth coincidence and realized that there's no fucking way it was all just a coincidence. He knows it should be creepy but as someone who enjoys Mark's obsessive behavior towards him, Johnny can't lie that he's impressed. Especially when he saw how bright Mark's smile was every time they met "coincidentally".
Johnny admits this new normal is kinda amusing. His cute little stalker won't stop chasing him no matter how much Johnny pushes him away. And now when Johnny decided he was too tired of running away, he just gave in and let Mark do as he pleased.
Now that Johnny no longer fights his feelings, he let Mark hold his hand whenever they walked to and from work. At the other time, sometimes it was Johnny who initiated their skinship by putting his arm around Mark and held him close whenever they were in the crowded place. Johnny even lets Mark put his head on his shoulder whenever they have a movie night together, which has been their new routine for these three months. It almost feels like they’re dating when they’re not. Johnny hopes they can stay like this forever.
They didn't put any label on it, but sooner or later, their circle of friends began to realize that Johnny and Mark might or might not be more than just friends (or brothers like what Johnny always claimed).
Johnny often stopped by Mark's studio when he had free time, or when Mark was too busy to go out for lunch. He will bring food and accompany Mark finishing his singer recording session. At times like that, Johnny could see Mark's passionate and admirable side. He is like a different person when directing his artists. A bit stubborn, but always has a clear point. Johnny also learned that just like him, Mark is a perfectionist.
At other times, it was Mark who would accompany Johnny during the photo shoot. He would sit sweetly in the corner of the room watching Johnny do his work. Sometimes he will act like a cute little assistant by bringing a bottle of water and tissue to wipe his sweat in his every break. Johnny couldn't help but laugh and ruffle his hair whenever he did that.
It was Renjun, the first person to call him out about it. At that time they were attending the launch of Jaehyun's subsidiary, his collaboration with an indie record label. His friend had just expanded his business to music as what he always dreamed of. Both Johnny and Mark got invitations so they decided to come together.
Mark looks so pretty in his suit and Johnny can't hide his loving gaze. He even felt like he could watch Mark talk all day because he looked so charming when talking to the guests, who were mostly musicians or music producers. Isn't this the same person who claims himself a chronic introvert?
Johnny learned about a different side of Mark Lee that day. That while he is just a cutie patootie in front of him, to the world he is a talented and respected young music producer. Johnny can't help but fall even deeper that night.
From the place he is standing, few meter from Mark and Jaehyun, Johnny could only watch them talking with their potential business partners. Johnny then realized that the used to 19 years old jumpy and nervous boy had now become a mature adult man who was admired by many. He could see how the parents looked at Mark like he was a potential son-in-law, while the single men and women looked at him like they were looking at their dream partner.
Oh, how Johnny wishes he could wrap his arms around that slim waist and show the world that man is his. But he couldn't. Because technically, Mark is not his.
"I hope you've sorted things with Hyuckie before starting whatever this is," Renjun said sharply when they were alone. Johnny almost choked on his wine and soiled his suit.
The taller man tried to remain calm. He then said after clearing his throat, "I have no idea what you're saying,"
"Look, Mark and Hyuck, both are my best friends. There's no fucking way you don't know about the chaos you're in right now.," Renjun said carefully, "And from the way Hyuck confided in me about Mark, I know he has no idea about the relationship between you and Mark."
“What relationship?”
“Don’t play dumb, Johnny. You know exactly what I am talking about.”
Of course Johnny got the point, but as usual, he ignored it and chose to be busy with the wine glass in his hand. He hopes Renjun will turn this conversation down soon because he's not in the mood at all.
"It wouldn't be fair for Donghyuck if he didn't find out from your own mouth. After all, you are his older brother whom he is always proud of. It's not my place to interfere, I know. But please, I beg you not to hurt him like that."
Johnny didn't give any response. He chose to pretend to be deaf. His selfish side, up to this moment, still thinks that what Donghyuck doesn't know won't hurt him. Maybe that's also what made him unable to put labels on his and Mark's relationship. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to face Donghyuck if his brother found out he is dating his forever crush.
What should he say anyway? "Hey, lil bro. I know you're in love with this cutie but he is mine now, sorry." huh? It's just... hard. Moreover, up to this moment he and Donghyuck still have video calls almost every night and he has to listen to his brother whining about his one-sided love that has lasted for... how many years now?
Johnny knew that whether he chose to be honest or continue to hide everything, in the end Donghyuck would still be hurt. What he wasn't sure was which was better and less painful. He was afraid that Donghyuck would hate him, but also realized that he would not be able to let Mark go. Not when his feelings had grown this big.
That night, when Johnny took Mark home, in front of the man's door, they were standing face to face for a few moments. Johnny looked down at that beautiful face for a few moments while holding his hand and rubbing it in a circle gently. Meanwhile, Mark looked up at him and smiled, probably waiting for what Johnny had to say.
It took some heartbeats. It took some heartbeats before Johnny finally decided to lean in and just kissed those tiny lips without thinking.
That action earned him a tiny yelp from the boy who reflexively gripped his coat tightly. Making Johnny even hungrier and grabbing his nape to deepen their kiss. For a moment that boy froze. But when he returned his kiss, that's when Johnny realized he had taken a step he couldn't take back.
Johnny might regret it tomorrow. No . He actually started to regret it the moment their lips met and Donghyuck's face popped up in his head. But what can he do when his whole body has been craving all this for God knows how long?
Mark's tiny lips tasted sweet and soft. It's so moist and makes Johnny almost crazy. His heart was beating fast like a virgin teenager who had just experienced his first kiss. It felt like he just got an electric shock and his fingertips felt tingling. Johnny didn't understand why his whole body was reacting like this. Maybe because he had been craving for it and had been holding back for years.
It tastes amazing, so much better than what he has always imagined. And now that he had finally tasted it, Johnny wasn't sure he could stop.
Donghyuck will kill him. His brother would kill him if he knew the betrayal he had committed. But when Johnny found Mark's shaky breath after their lips parted; when those round glassy eyes looked at him longingly; when he saw those rosy cheeks and coy smile; when the boy jumped into his arms and muffled small "Thank you, hyung!"; Johnny knew. He knows that every risk he takes is worth it. He knows that even though he will die in Donghyuck's hands after this, it will be worth it.
"Good night, Marky," Johnny then whispered as he pressed their foreheads together. From this close distance, he could see Mark's wide smile which he hoped would adorn his beautiful face forever.
"Good night," said Mark breathlessly a few beats later, before pecking Johnny's lips and running into his unit.
Johnny just chuckled seeing that cute antics. In his mid-thirties, Mark made him feel like a teenager in love again.
***
It's been a month after their first kiss and the new routine has become their favorite daily activity now. Sometimes it's just a small peck when they greet each other or bid goodbye; or a hot make out session when they are just the two of them in the bedroom. But it never went beyond that. Every time Mark gave a hint that he wanted more, Johnny would stop what they were doing. In the end, Mark stopped trying and just accepted what he was given.
They also never discussed what relationship they are currently in. Johnny knew that Mark had tried to bring it up several times, but he always had a way to turn the conversation to another direction. That, too, made Mark finally give up after the umpteenth try and just enjoy whatever they had. Maybe deep in his mind, Mark thought as long as he had Johnny in his grasp, that would be enough.
Every night, when Donghyuck asked him to video call, Johnny would prepare a scenario to confess his sins. But every time he sees his brother's tired face on the screen, every time his brother starts talking about how he wishes he could finish his master's degree as soon as possible so he can move to New York with them, Johnny gets tongue-tied. His courage immediately shrank because he was afraid that the moment was not right to bring it up.
But the right moment indeed never came. Next thing he knows, the months have changed and Johnny has gone too far through whatever shit he has with Mark, but never had the guts to confess to Donghyuck. It's also funny how Mark seems to keep their relationship a secret without even being asked. Seems like he just naturally sensing that Johnny doesn't want anyone around them to know that their relationship has turned intimate for a while.
Part of Johnny hoped that Mark would just tell Donghyuck about them tho. Maybe that way, his brother will confront him and Johnny can confess more easily.
"What are you going to do this weekend?" Mark asked when they had lunch together.
"No plans yet," Johnny said casually before taking a bite of his sandwich.
"Donghyuck said he had a conference nearby and wanted to stop by. Maybe we could have dinner together."
Johnny stiffened. Donghyuck will fly to New York this week? And didn't tell him? He told Mark but didn't tell Johnny?
"Maybe he wants to spend time just with you," Johnny tried his best not to sound annoyed (or jealous), "I don't think I should come along."
Mark tilted his head like a confused puppy. It was as if Johnny had just said the most absurd thing in the world, "Did you guys fight? Please don't say you two had a fight because that would make me sad."
"No, we're not. But Hyuck didn't tell me anything, so I think he just wanted to spend time alone with you."
Now it was Mark's turn to be silent. For a moment he just pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes, before finally he grabbed his phone and made a call, "Hey, Hyuck!"
Johnny almost choked on his americano.
"Yeah, about our plans this weekend, can Johnny come? There's a Chinese restaurant I really want to try and I think the three of us could have dinner together there. Yeah. I'm kinda craving it. Sure. Johnny is here, I will tell him that. See you soon, babe!"
Throughout the short conversation, Johnny could only stare at Mark in disbelief. What the hell just happened? What did he think he was doing?
"See? Hyuckie said he doesn't mind as long as you pay," said Mark proudly, grinning broadly as if he is just winning a lottery.
Johnny could only blink in confusion. Too stunned to speak. His mind goes blank and not sure what to say. Until finally he felt his phone vibrate and display a message from his lovely brother.
Hyuck:
Really?
Johnny:
I swear I said no
At this point, Johnny is not sure anymore whether Mark was just playing dumb or really that dumb. Is he that clueless about Donghyuck's feelings for him? After all these years? There’s no way that boy would not sense anything from the way Donghyuck talks and treats him. His brother is clearly head over heels over him so how Mark does not even see the sign at all?
When the weekend came, the three of them really met at the said Chinese restaurant that Mark kept talking about. Johnny and Mark came together, while Donghyuck came first and took a place in one table near the window.
Johnny didn't know whether it was just his feelings, but he could somehow sense the weird tension when they entered the room and Dongyuck looked at him and Mark alternately. That’s when Johnny realized that his hand and Mark’s still intertwined. Shit. He could see how his brother's smile looked stiff and his eyes twitched. Johnny has to admit that it made him nervous, as if he were a thief who was afraid of being caught.
Donghyuck's intense gaze lasted throughout dinner, but Johnny would probably do the same thing if he were in his position. Because Mark, whether intentionally or not, was acting more clingy than usual tonight.
Them having casual skinship in public is actually nothing new. Johnny didn't feel awkward at all when it was just the two of them. But now, doing this in front of Donghyuck, it felt terribly wrong. Especially when Mark just casually leaned his head on Johnny's shoulder in the middle of their conversation.
Johnny could only sit stiffly. He was not sure what to do because both pushing Mark away or just letting him act as he pleased will cause a scene. So Johnny decided to just do nothing and pretend he is busy with his food. Suddenly he doesn't feel like talking much.
Donghyuck even seemed to zoned out in the middle of the conversation. His and Johnny's eyes made sharp contact and that’s when the older one’s heart felt like it was squeezed tightly. Johnny could catch all the questions behind that intense gaze. Questions that he won’t ever be ready to answer. Meanwhile, Mark continued to talk without realizing the tension between the two people around him.
It was when Mark excused himself to the restroom and Johnny just sat alone with Donghyuck that he realized how fuck up their situation was. The two brothers had never felt this awkward, no matter how rarely they saw each other before. But this time, Johnny felt like he was sitting on a booby trap that could explode at any time if he made the wrong move. Everything felt suffocating and Johnny knew Donghyuck could read him like an open book.
“I saw it coming, you know. I'm not that blind,” his brother started, “I knew he admired you from the first time I showed him your page. I knew he might fall in love with you after getting to know you better. But dang! It still hurts like hell.”
Johnny actually expected Donhyuck to react more dramatically, but it turned out that the boy was quite calm about this. Even so, from his trembling voice and hard gaze, Johnny could tell that his brother was actually close to crumbling down.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? For loving him back?” Donghyuck said while chuckling bitterly, “So this is why you were against it when I said I wanted to confess?”
“I don’t wanna hurt you.”
At that, Donghyuck laughed hard as if he just heard the funniest joke all his life . But Johnny knew better than that. He knew there was nothing funny about this and that his brother was just trying to mask his pain, "Woah, hyung, what should I do? I'm so mad and hurt but I can't even hate you."
Johnny sighed, his gaze then dropped to the untouched bowl of noodles in front of him. All he can do is just muttered another sorry.
"Do you love him?" Donghyuck confronted in a sharp tone, "I think I deserve to at least hear your answer."
It’s an easy question because Johnny knows his heart. He knows no matter how hard he has tried to deny it all this time, at the end of the day his heart keeps wanting what it wants. Since their firs hello some years ago, it will always, always, always scream Mark’s name.
Johnny then shifted his gaze to look into Donghyuk's eyes. His brother is madly mad, he knew that. But after all the sins he has committed, Johnny feels this is the only thing he can at least give him as a closure. He also is ready if Donghyuck decided he didn't want to see him again after this. He deserves it anyways.
"I do. I love him," Johnny then said. Tone sure and firm.
Donghyuk's eyes twitched after hearing it. It was filled with tears and Johnny wanted to slap himself for hurting his brother like this. The boy then looked down, before letting out a painful sigh and standing up before saying, "I think I'd better go now. Thanks for the dinner, hyung. Please tell Mark that I have urgent things to do so I didn't have time to say goodbye."
Johnny wants to stop him from leaving. He wanted to force Donghyuck to stay longer and talk everything through. But then he realized that Donhyuck might need time to be alone and process his broken heart. So he just nodded and let him be.
"Congratulations, hyung," Dongyuck then reached out his hand, which Johnny immediately accepted even though his heart also felt like it was being squeezed tightly by doing so, "Hurt him and I will fucking kill you. I mean it," he then said to which Johnny only responded with a weak smile.
Donghyuck then packs his things and about to leave. But before passing Johnny, he said, "Don't say anything to Mark about my feelings. Just let it end like this," to which Johnny only responded with a weak nod, "And don't come home this Christmas. Let me have our mom and dad to myself. I hope you can at least give me that."
“Okay.”
"Bye, hyung. Don't try to contact me. I'll contact you when I'm ready," Donghyuck then said before leaving Johnny who could only stare at the floor with teary eyes. Just like Donghyuck, he is also in pain now. But Johnny tried hard to control his breath so that his tears wouldn't spill. He didn't want to make the situation more complicated by having to explain what had just happened if Mark came back from the restroom and saw how broken the older one is right now.
He knows he couldn’t do much to ease Donghyuck’s pain too. The least Johnny could do is just wishing that it wouldn't last too long. If possible, he even hopes that God will transfer the pain to him so that his brother can live his life as usual. He wished that he is the only one who have to bear everything so that the people he loves don't have to be hurt because of his cowardice.
When Mark returned from the restroom, he couldn't hide his confusion. He was looking left to right to find the missing person, but only ended up find nothing but Johnny who was still sitting in his place while forcing a smile.
"Something come up, Hyunck has to go first," Johnny then said as he stood up and took Mark's hand.
Mark pouted at that, clearly not happy with the news. He seemed disappointed that his friend couldn't stay longer. Moreover, Donghyuck said the flight was early in the morning so there’s no way they could spend more time together again at least until they have another free time holiday.
"Why didn't he say goodbye?" Mark said sadly, "At least he could have waited for me to come back from the restroom and say goodbye."
"Oh, my Marky is sulky, hm?" Johnny teased him, "Come on, you can call him and nag later. For now, how about we go to your place and watch a movie, hm? You take a day off tomorrow, right?" Johnny then said as he packed his things and pushed Mark's back gently to get out of the restaurant which was starting to get crowded.
"My place?" the boy couldn't hide his surprise, his beautiful doe eyes widened as if he just heard the most unbelievable news.
All this time, since Mark moved to New York, they have spent more time at Johnny's place than Mark’s. It was also Mark who always initiated things. Johnny almost never invited him but Mark was always happy to invite himself, as if Johnny's apartment was his second home. That boy does indeed know nothing about personal space.
"Yeah," Johnny said as he put his arm around Mark, "Let's stay at yours for tonight."
Mark beamed at that. He then nodded vigorously and walked excitedly out of the restaurant.
For a moment they just enjoyed the comfortable silence. They walked along the sidewalk without saying much, although Mark let out some "oh" or "woah" when he saw something that amazed him. He is so cute. They passed this street almost every day and Mark always made those reactions, even when what amazed him was something he had seen before. Sometimes it feels like Mark has his own world.
"Would you let me stay the night, Mark?" Johnny then said while Mark was busy looking at the road sign as if it is the most interesting thing on earth. The boy then turned fast. His round eyes blinked beautifully and blush slowly crept onto his cheeks.
Johnny loves it. He loves how Mark's face glows whenever he blushes like this.
"Of course you can," he said in a half whisper before looking down and smiling shyly. Johnny chuckled at that. Especially when Mark couldn't hide his happiness and jumped in Johnny's arms while letting out a small happy scream in his chest.
He is so adorable. Johnny wants to swallow him whole.
For a moment they hugged like that on the side of the road. Johnny didn't care even though several people who passed them gave him strange looks. He hugged Mark's tiny body tightly and kissed his temple gently.
"Hyung, I'm so happy. Am I allowed to be this happy?" Mark then said, muffled, face still pressed against Johnny's chest.
"Of course you do, baby."
The new slipped nickname seems activate the extra happy button in Mark because now he is looking up at the taller one while smiling super brightly, even more than he already is. Mark was still hugging Johnny tightly but now looked up with sparkling eyes, "Say it again!"
Johnny chuckled, then smoothed Mark's bangs and kissed his forehead, "Baby," he murmured then, "Thank you for being so patient with me."
Mark nodded vigorously as he buried his face further in Johnny's arms. He clung tightly, as if afraid that if he let go even a little, everything he has would disappear. It was a cute gesture, actually, but Johnny couldn't lie his chest felt like he had been hit hard right now. He realized how much Mark had been walking in limbo all this time because Johnny kept their relationship hanging with no clear status.
Johnny should do better. He has to do better so he won’t hurt more people due to his fickleness.
That night, Johnny touched Mark intimately for the first time. It's cute how Mark looks so nervous even though it's clearly not his first time. He even cried when Johnny managed to put himself completely in, making him panic because he thought he was hurting Mark.
"Ssh, baby. Am I hurting you? Do you want to stop?" Johnny asked while peppering Mark's face with kisses and stroking his hair gently.
Mark shook his head in panic while sobbing hard. He then said, "No. Please, don't. I just... oh God, you have no idea how long I've been waiting for this and it feels so, so good."
It makes him growled, the way Mark acts submissive and pliant under him and just lets Johnny do the doing. He then kissed Mark hungrily. Johnny stopped holding back and kept thrusting, touching, kissing, and doing whatever he could to hear Mark's moans and lead him to climax. Make sure Mark screams his name and only his name from tonight onwards.
They did it several times, until Mark whined and said he couldn't take it anymore. That's when Johnny reached his climax while holding Mark tightly. Enjoying the remaining adrenaline while whispering sweet nothings to the boy who just smiled while shutting his eyes.
Mark looks sated,and happy. The sex glow made him look even prettier and Johnny couldn't resist kissing his bare shoulders and nape.
The boy then chuckled before letting out a big yawn. Still lying on his stomach with his eyes closed, Mark whispered softly, "Can I call you mine?"
Johnny smiled sadly at that even though Mar can’t see it. He then pulled the little one against his bare chest and stroked his tiny back before kissing his sweaty temple and said, "I'm yours, Mark. I'm always yours."
Johnny could feel Mark smiling against his skin. The boy then kissed his bare chest, a little bit obsessed with the several tattoos that adorn Johnny's body. It's like he has been waiting for so long to finally be able to touch and kiss it.
"By the way, I'm curious about the sunflower tattoo you got last month," said Mark then while stroking the small tattoo on his arm, "It's kinda unmatched with your other tattoos and the position is upside down. Is there any meaning behind it?"
Johnny smiled when Mark looked up and looked at him curiously like a toddler. The older one then explained while playing with his baby's hair, "It's a reminder that I should always be optimistic about life, like a sunflower that always faces the sun."
"Uh huh?"
"Also, it's Leo's birth flower."
At that information, Mark blinked dumbly several times. His clueless face was so adorable that Johnny couldn't help but laugh and kiss the tip of his nose. Even after that, Mark was still stunned and looked at him in disbelief.
It takes another ten full heartbeats before the boy realizes what Johnny said before let out a small happy scream, "Hyung!"
Mark's face turned red. He was all shy and adorable while hiding his face in the crook of Johnny's neck. The older one just chuckled while hugging him tightly at that cute antics. Oh how he loves this boy to death.
"I love you, Mark. Sorry for making you wait so long for me to say it," Johnny then whispered, kissing Mark's temple lovingly.
"It doesn't matter," Mark said, breathlessly. He then let out a small sob while saying, "It doesn't matter as long as in the end you love me."
For some other minutes, they enjoyed the moment in silence. But after Mark stopped sobbing and now started nibbling and sucking his neck, Johnny and his nosy mind couldn't help teasing him, "You can stop stalking me now, by the way. You can just ask me every time you want to know something. I can even give you my daily schedule if you need it."
Mark groaned and kicked his feet. Clearly embarrassed because he was caught red-handed. Johnny just laughed and moved Mark's face away to shower him with kisses until Mark couldn't help but just giggling.
Deep in the back of Johnny's head, the image of Donghyuck's wounded face still loomed in his mind and felt like a crushing blow. But he knows that leaving Mark is also not an option because as much as he loves his brother, he can’t just let Mark go because he is too precious for him.
Johnny knew Donghyuck would be fine someday. His little brother just needed some time to process everything. And maybe when the time comes, when all the wounds have healed and forgiveness has been given, they can go back to their old self and build a snowman again like before. Like when they were kids and only have each other's back.
They will be fine. Maybe not tonight, but someday. Someday they will be fine.
Meanwhile…
In the living room, among the piles of clothes scattered on the floor, Johnny's phone screen lit up. Displaying a picture of a boy with a reddish nose and thin steam coming out of his mouth; wearing a beanie with bear ears and thick padding and looking innocently at the camera. There are also some notifications that keep popping. One of them was a chat from someone Johnny really loved.
Hyuck:
I changed my mind
You and Mark have to come home for Christmas
Good night
I love you