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Lauren

Summary:

Lauren

Episode 18, Season 06 of Criminal Minds (which I don’t own)

 

Part fourteen of my ‘rewriting all Spencer Reid focused episodes and adding whump

Notes:

Trigger Warning
Suicide Attempt
Mourning Funeral
Cutting (ish)
Drugs
Overdose
Suicidal idealisation

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Lauren


He was just sitting there, smack in the middle of his living room floor. His thoughts were spinning out of control and the constant feeling of sorrow had overtaken his mind. 

Emily was dead

He weighed the bottle of dilaudid in one hand and a small pocket knife in the other. It was ridiculous how easy it could be if he just gave up and allowed the thoughts to consume him. God, it would be easy.

 

“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe” he whispered, exhaustion setting deeply in his body as his finger landed on the forbidden bottle.

 

“She never made it off the table”

 

He filled up a clean syringe and despite being clean for so long, his body knew exactly what to do.

Fill the syringe, shake out the air bubbles, find a clear vein and-

He put a finger on the plunger and closed his eyes for a moment, this was it. 

 

“I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye”

 

He felt it immediately. The sweet and guilt filled sensation of the drug running through his veins. He quickly found the knife and held it up to the light, turning it over in both his hands.

For once, he didn’t just make a smaller cut, why would he? In a few minutes, nothing would matter anymore. He’d be free.

 

Dark started entering his vision along with the sight of all his friends in their black outfits that they were wearing at the funeral today. He desperately needed to escape.

 

His body slowly slanted to the side as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A sudden wave of guilt coursed through his veins as he realised he too was leaving without a goodbye. He knew it didn’t matter as much when it was only him, but still… he should probably write a note.

He grabbed his leather bound notebook and started scribbling as well as his drugged mind and bleeding body could do.

 

‘I’m sorry…’ he wrote, the words feeling like stones in his stomach.

‘I’m sorry for being selfish… I’m sorry for putting you into this situation, and for giving you yet another funeral.’ He felt a tear slip down from his eye and run its course down his cheek.

‘To the person who finds my body… I’m so sorry, that must’ve been awful… don’t be sad though, this is for the best,’

 

He ripped the paper out and found a new one. In all honesty… he wasn’t even sure that the written words were understandable. His brain was getting less clear by the second and his body grew heavier and heavier.

‘I love you all…’ he wrote with a sigh.

 

‘This isn’t your fault, not at all and I hope more than anything, that you can learn to let me go… I’m happier this way and I’m really not worth the tears.’

 

‘Goodbye… I love you all’ 

 

He placed the notes on the kitchen table and quickly trashed both the knife and the needle. No need to traumatise his finder further.

He slowly began dragging his tired body towards the bedroom and underneath the covers. 

Here he could die in a warm, comfortable peace with no one to disturb him.

This was it…

This was his end.

 

-

 

Morgan was sitting in the car, desperately trying not to break down and let a tear slip. He couldn’t… wouldn’t. If he first began then he didn’t trust himself enough to be able to stop.

He slowly found his mind searching for an escape, searching for Spencer’s laugh and warm smiles…

Suddenly the thought of his pretty boy made it feel like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped right on his face.

 

Spencer

 

If Derek was this close to breaking… oh god, he needed to get to his apartment and he needed to get there quickly.

He turned the car around and stepped hard on the accelerator.

 

Not fast enough… 

 

Go faster, please be okay

 

He quickly jumped out of the car and began to frantically knock on the door which he’d been standing in front of too many times.

After the 9th knock and no sound of movement, he grabbed his phone and typed in 911. Just to be prepared.

He drew his gun and kicked in the door.

 

“Pretty boy?” He called out as he carefully made his way through the rooms. Everything was quiet… too quiet and an eerie feeling spread through his veins.

“Spencer!” He tried as he went towards the closed bedroom.

 

Please be okay

 

Please be okay

 

He opened the door and immediately felt the amazing sensation of pure relief coursing through his veins. Spencer was sleeping under the covers, completely oblivious to the world.

 

‘Too oblivious’ a part of his brain whispered, a part which he’d like so desperately to ignore, but he couldn’t because it was right.

He slowly went towards the bed and his boyfriend’s small figure curled up in the sheets. “Hey pretty boy,” he tried but Spencer didn’t move… he didn’t make the smallest facial expression, he just kept so incredibly still.

 

Derek took a deep breath and closed his eyes before removing the sheets. 

 

He’s okay… he’s definitely okay

I’m overreacting…

The sight of the two large pools of blood beneath his wrists were enough to make his heart almost stop. 

 

Oh god

Oh fucking god, no

No, no, no, no, no

 

“Spencer?” He asked with tears in his eyes as he pulled out his phone and dialled the already typed number.

“I need help”

 

-

 

He honestly didn’t remember how he got to the hospital but the next time he looked up, the sign of a waiting room met his teary eyes.

Everything was bright and blue… too bright and the smell of disinfectant made him scrunch his nose.

 

Hotch

I need to tell Hotch

 

He pulled out his phone and stared at the number. He didn’t feel present… not at all. He felt like he was stuck by Spencer’s bedside in the moment where he realised the kid wasn’t just sleeping.

The moment his brain caught up and realised that his pretty boy was teetering on the edge of death and he couldn’t do a thing.

“Aaron Hotchner,” he heard suddenly and he sluggishly looked towards the phone…

 

When did I call him-?

 

“He… he was just lying there” Derek mumbled to the now silent phone.

“He was underneath the covers and I thought he was sleeping,” a small, hollow laugh escaped his lips as he let his head fall to his chest.

“He wasn’t sleeping Hotch… oh god, he wasn’t sleeping,” Derek muttered, the panic clear in his voice which made Hotch pack up his stuff and hurry towards his car.

 

“Morga- Derek? Take a breath,” Hotch tried and Derek did just that but never once did his gaze falter from his mental image of his pretty boy.

“Please, tell me what happened… who was sleeping?” He tried as he turned on the car. Derek took a few seconds to fully comprehend the question.

 

“He wasn’t sleeping…” he just replied, sounding way too broken and tired and Hotch hated that he knew the only person who could make Derek Morgan feel like that.

“I just pulled off the covers to wake him and… oh god there was so much blood,” he stuttered and Hotch felt his breaths quickening. 

He needed to know where Derek was.

 

“I didn’t know pretty boy could bleed that much… he’s so skinny,” Derek whispered as a tear slipped out of his eye.

“Derek… where are you?” He asked impatiently and it took too long for his liking for Derek to actually hear his question.

 

“Dilaudid… they found dilaudid in his veins… he slit his wrists Hotch…” he said, still unable to make the mental imagery disappear.

“Saint Mary’s I think…” he finally mumbled and Hotch immediately drove towards the hospital.

 

He heard Derek’s phone slip to the ground as he neared his location. Spencer would be alright… he always was.

But this was his fault… his only. He’d lied to the kid about Emily and he’d never be able to take that back… he’d killed his kid.

 

The doors burst open but Derek didn’t notice, he just stared straight ahead with bloody hands and clothes. Hotch felt his heart thumping louder as he took in the sight. He needed to calm down because Derek was obviously in shock and no one was doing a thing.

“Hey, hey look at me Derek,” he said in his Jack and Spencer voice before squatting down in front of the bigger man.

 

Derek’s gaze sluggishly fell on Hotch’s shoes but the only response he got was slow blinks.

 

“So much blood- there was… so much blood,” he mumbled occasionally as Hotch went to get a blanket and a cup of coffee.

He wrapped the blanket around the man and once again squatted in front of him in hope of their eyes meeting.

He saw a small note peeking out of Derek’s pocket but asking for permission gave no results so he slowly took the note and felt his heart breaking.

 

How can either of them ever come back from this?

 

“Derek… look at me,” he tried but once again got no reply.

“Emily is alive,” he tried and to his surprise, the words seemed to reach the taller man who’s jaw dropped and a look of disbelief spread across his face.

“Wh-what?” He muttered confused but Hotch didn’t once look away.

 

“Emily is alive… she needed to fake her death to survive,” he told him quietly as he felt another wave of the never ending guilt.

“She’s alive…” Derek said, finally looking up at Hotch’s eyes.

“Yeah and all of this,” he waved his hands around the room. “Is my goddamn fault and I’m so sorry Derek. I’m so sorry but she needed to disappear.”

 

Derek didn’t look as furious as he’d expected and surprisingly enough, no punches had been thrown. Derek instead took a deep breath and looked up and into his eyes.

 

“Thank you, even if you only told me to give the kid a chance at living,” “Freaking thank you man,” Derek said while looking towards his unit chief.

Both their heads snapped up as the sound of a nurse walking towards the room could be heard. No one else was in the room so it had to be about Spencer… it had to.

 

He’s okay

He’s okay

 

“Reid? Spencer Reid?” A female nurse asked, her long brown hair was in a ridiculously tight bun on top of her head and judging by the dark rings around her eyes, she hadn’t really slept for a while… she reminded him of Spencer. 

 

“It was touch and go for a while but he’s one of the strong ones,” she gently said as both men got up from their chairs.

“He’s actually already awake but he’ll likely be delusional so give him time to understand your words,” she explained and they both quietly nodded as they followed her down the long corridor.

 

The sight that met their eyes was familiar but so damn horrible. He was lying quietly in a hospital bed, his arms covered in bandages and a bunch of different tubes were entering and leaving his thin, pale body.

 

His eyes were the worst though… he was simply staring ahead, looking blankly at a space beside them. He didn’t seem to notice anything, nothing at all.

He just stared, his eyes glazed over and his expression blank.

They slowly moved to the side of the bed and Derek gently took Spencer’s hand in his own. “Hey pretty boy,” he whispered and a slight raise in his pulse could be seen, but that was all the response they got.

 

“Spencer?” Hotch tried quietly but he didn’t move.

 

“Pretty boy?” Derek tried again and he felt a weak  squeeze in his hand which made a slight smile spread over his lips. 

“Hey, Spence,” he said in relief but the boy only blinked.

 

“I don’t want to be here,” they heard his weak and monotone voice say and silence soon filled the room.

“Nobody was supposed to come…” he mumbled and the older agents looked at each other in pain. 

“Why did you come?” Spencer whispered and Derek felt his heart jumping irregularly. 

“Because I love you…” he whispered, placing a kiss on the unmoving hand.

 

Hotch gave Derek a nod and he found himself taking a deep breath.

“Hey pretty boy? Hotch has something to tell you but we need you to promise that your heart won’t give out… okay?” Derek asked and Spencer shifted to look in a tired looking Hotch’s direction.

 

“If only it was that easy,” he muttered to himself, not caring about anything despite the fact that his boss was there. He wanted to die and he’d succeed soon so what did his job matter… he saw Hotch taking a deep breath and worry suddenly filled his body. Something was wrong.  

“Emily…” he began and Spencer’s heart rate increased drastically. Derek quickly grabbed his other hand and squeezed. Spencer’s eyes flickered towards his own and he found himself giving a slight nod.

 

“Don’t- can’t think about her right now” he whispered desperately as his heart galloped away.

 

“Emily… she isn’t dead…” Hotch said, his voice sounding so incredibly full of regret and even Spencer was shocked over what happened next… Reid burst out into a fit of giggles and the other agents met each other's gazes.

“Kid,” Derek tried but Spencer shook his head from side to side as the laugh bubbled out of his chest.

“It worked!” He exclaimed and Hotch managed to look even more shocked than he had before.

 

“What-“ Derek interrupted and Spencer closed his eyes with a bright smile.

“I’m dead! It worked!” He said and silence once again spread over the room. None of them had seen that smile… the pure joy for months and they hated that thinking he was dead, was the thing to bring the smile forth.

 

“Of course the attempt worked, oh god I’m stupid, I thought I failed for a second,” he laughed, looking at a spot between the two of them.

“I’m dead, oh god finally,” he whispered and Derek gently placed his hands on both sides of his face, hoping to somehow ground him. 

 

“You’re not dead, pretty boy…” he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“Emily isn’t either. She had to fake her death to survive…” he tried to explain and thankfully they saw the small switch in Spencer’s eyes.

“Why would my brain try and convince me I’m not dead?” He murmured to himself as he quickly tried to push himself up from the bed. Hotch was quicker in pushing him back down.

 

“How long have you hoped to die, Spencer?” Hotch asked and at that exact moment, Hotch had apparently said the one thing that made Spencer realise he wasn’t dead.

“It didn’t work?” He asked and Hotch shook his head. 

 

Derek looked confused back and forth between the two before grabbing Spencer’s attention again. “Why the sudden change of mind, pretty boy?” Derek asked and Spencer shrugged, taking a second to think of an explanation that wouldn’t give him away.

“Because why would my brain ask a question it already knew the answer to?” He asked before turning back to Hotch who looked like he might break down the first second he was alone.

 

“Why?” Spencer simply asked and Hotch let his features change into a frown.

“Why what?”

 

“Why did she do it and how many knows?” Spencer asked, clarifying his previous questions and to his relief, Hotch didn’t feel the need to wrap the truth up. He simply told it as it was.

 

“Doyle needs to think she’s dead… it’s the only way she can survive,” he began and Spencer nodded. “ Two others know,” he admitted quietly, before looking at Derek. “Or I guess, four with you and Derek,” he mumbled and Spencer found himself waiting for the older man to continue.

“Who?” Derek found himself asking before Spencer could and Hotch sighed, knowing how much this would hurt them.

“JJ and Strauss” he said and Spencer closed his eyes.

 

JJ knew… JJ goddamn knew.

Notes:

I know I strayed quite a long way from the episode but I still hope you like it :) Excited to get back on track with writing!

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