Work Text:
“Kitkat, come look at this shit.” You hold up your phone to show him. “They put an asshole on a bucket.”
His head whips around from his computer. “Dave, what the fuck?”
“No, I'm being serious dude. Cleaning supplies are some kinda weird sex thing for y’all, right?” His face is bright red.
“Yes, they are, Jegus. Fine, show it to me.” He comes over and his eyes nearly pop out of his head. “Holy shit, they put an asshole on a pail.”
“Yeah, I know, right? I wonder if they're sold out-” He covers your mouth before you can go on.
“We are not getting the fucking wastechute pail.” You lick his palm and he jerks his hand back, clearly grossed out.
“Look, man, this could be a collectable item in the future. Worth a shit ton of money or something. We gotta at least check.” You look up ‘dune 2 showings near me’ and click on the first result. Jackpot. “We are, in fact, getting the fucking wastechute pail.”
“Fuck, fine. I'm not touching it.”
One drive later…
“Hi, what can I do for you today?” Says the human behind the concessions stand. Karkat turns bright red.
“Yeah, do you still have the Dune bucket?” You hear a little ‘nooo’ from behind Karkats hand, which is covering his face.
“Yes, we do! Would you like to purchase one?” They make a commendable effort to not stare at Karkat's mini-freak-out.
“Yes, please.” You attempt a genuine smile.
“I'll be back in a minute.” They say, and walk off to presumably fetch the bucket.
“Fucking hell, Dave, why are we even doing this again?” He pouts.
“Like I said, this shit will be worth like a billion bucks in the future, mark my words, babe.” You freeze. “Ignore that last part.”
“Here you go, sir!” The attendant hands you the incredibly anus-esque bucket and a separate, paper bag with popcorn in it.
“Oh, I didn't order any popcorn.” You say, confused.
“Don't worry about it. Your friend deserves it.” Karkat covers his face up with both hands again.
Another, worse drive later…
“Hey, Sollux, we're home.” You say as you open the door, limited edition bucket under your arm and paper bag in Karkat's hands.
“Hey athholeth. Woah, what the fuck ith that.” He says, frozen in place.
“Limited edition Dune 2 bucket. Kat was vehemently against the idea of purchasing one, but I thought it would be a good investment. This fucker's a collectable.” Karkat sighs and shoves past you.
“Hi, douchebag. Want some popcorn?” Karkat walks up to Sollux and tilts the bag in his direction. Sollux takes a big handful.
“Tho, what are you gonna do with it now?” You hadn't thought that hard ahead.
“Uh, cherish it? Put it on my bookshelf? Hold it close like a stuffed animal while I sleep?” Sollux makes an exaggerated grossed-out face.
“Pleathe don't.” You frown and set it on the counter.
“Ok, but I'm at least gonna take a video with it to send to people before it gets packed away in a cardboard box forever.” You pull out your phone.
“What is up guys, Turntech Godhead here with a review of the viral Dune bucket.” You say to the camera in your best YouTuber(™) voice. “Right off the bat, you can see that it is an entirely family friendly design. Super safe for work. It isn't safe for your hands, though.” You push three fingers into the sandworm mouth-hole anus fleshlight thing.
“Sure, the teeth are pretty soft, but when you try to grab your popcorn,” you shove the rest of your hand in. “you can't get it out.” You try to pull your fist out but the circumference of the mouth makes it an issue. You push your hand in and out a couple times as far as you can, for good measure. You hear a quiet “ew, god?” behind you from Karkat.
“Other than that, though, it definitely looks like the worm from the movie. Based on the trailers, at least. I'm not watching 3 hours of Timothee Chalamet.” You pull your hand out and thumbs up to the camera. “Thanks for watching, don't get your dick stuck in one of these, and definitely don't forget to like, subscribe, leave a comment down below and click on the bell to get notified whenever I upload! Have a good one!” You stop the video and put your phone back in your pocket.
“Was that really fucking necessary, Dave? Truly, was it worth it?” Karkat says from, like, directly behind you. Scary as shit. You jump, almost getting into strife position before pulling yourself together.
“It was so worth it, you have no clue.”