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Mike Wheeler was always struggling. From when he was adopted by the Wheelers just for Ted to abuse him and Karen to neglect him, to him having to learn english, to the therapy, and the depression and anxiety. He was a mess. He always has been.
Its been getting worse.
He has always planned to commit, ever since he learned what it meant. He always held back, convincing himself its not worth it, that he deserves to live. But now? He doesnt believe any of that’s true.
He hates himself. He hates his skinny body, how lanky he is. How he has more feminine facial features compared to his friends, or the other boys he sees at school. He hates his hair, how hard it is to tame the curls. He hates how hes never good enough, how hes always letting people down. He hates that his sadness eventually turns into anger, and that he cant control it.
He hates when his accent comes out in conversations, or how sometimes he forgets certain words in english. He hates the depression and anxiety pills, and the effects the diagnoses have. He hates feeling like an attention speaker, like he cant talk to anyone about his feelings. He hates that hes sad, that he doesnt deserve to feel this way. Will was a target with all of the upside down shit, Max had to watch her brother die infront of her, and still grieve no matter how abusive he was. Lucas had to watch his girlfriend almost die, Dustin had to deal with crazy russians, Eleven was a lab-rat her whole life. He shouldnt be depressed or have anxiety, he didnt have anything like that happen to him.
Sure, his adoptive father abuses him and takes his anger out on him, and sure, his mother neglects him, and blames everything on him. Sure, hes never felt wanted, and that he has to constantly remind himself he shouldnt kill himself. But that doesnt matter.
He doesnt matter.
He shouldnt matter.
Mike is getting ready for yet another day of school. ‘Just make it to Friday’ He tells himself. He was awoken by the alarm on his phone. He gets up, turning it off and walking to his bathroom. He grabbed his glasses, upset that hes been having to wear them instead of his contacts, since Karen wont buy him anymore.
He messes with his hair, making it look presentable. After he brushes his teeth, he goes to get an outfit. He ends up picking out a brown striped long sleeve shirt, and his dark blue jeans, an outfit he recently got.
He trudges down the stairs not bothering to talk to his ‘parents.’
He greets Nancy, putting his shoes on. “I like your bracelet,” she tells him. He takes it off, giving it to her. “You can have it,” he says with a light smile.
She smiles, putting it on. Its not odd for him to give his stuff to his friends, or his sisters. Its all for the final plan, but they dont know that of course. Theyre worried about him enough and they shouldnt be. So theyll have something to remember him with, even though he doesnt get whyd they want to remember him.
The car ride to school was normal, Nancy checking up on him every once in a while just for him to tell her hes been ‘fine.’ He gets to school, lightly smiling as he sees the party, but he walks right past them. Hes been distancing himself from them, hoping that eventually theyll just forget about him, and wont even notice when hes finally gone to kill himself.
Of course, hes still his usual nice-self to them when they talk to him. He tries to give them something of his every conversation, and then quickly end it.
Its 4th period, the only class he doesnt have with atleast one of his friends. He’s glad, its the class he gets called out of early to go to the school counselor, and he doesnt want his friends to know that HE is going to therapy, when none of the party are. Sure, Max used to, but after Venca, she got closer with everyone and stopped seeing her.
Hes watching the clock, seeing he has about 5 minutes til someone comes in to tel him he has to go to see her. Hes glad, he has grown to tolerate the counseling, no matter how much he insists he doesnt need it. He looks back to his paper, not bothering to try on it.
He looks at the door when he hears it open, thinking its someone coming to tell him to leave. His eyes widen and he frowns when he sees Max walk into his class. He and her make eye contact before he quickly looks away, hands starting to shake. Hes worried, theres about 1 minute until hes called out, hes done so good at hiding it, hiding himself, and he doesnt want THIS to be the reason Max finds out.
He and Max have a strange friendship. She knows that hes not okay, shes the only one thats noticed so far. Hes glad she hasnt told the others. He told her hes better, he isnt feeling sad anymore. So he can only imagine her face when they call him out to go to Mrs.Kelley.
He kept his head down, he doesnt think he could handle seeing Max’s face. He walks right past her and out the door, making his way to the counselor.
Its lunch. Hes sitting in the bathroom stalk again, hiding from his friends. He ignores his phone buzzing, probably from the party asking him where he is. Hes been skipping lunch recently. And dinner, and breakfast, but that doesnt matter. Today has been hard, he knows the time is getting closer for his final plan, but hes trying to ignore it.
Hes barely been able to speak in English today, which means theres no way he could talk to his friends, as they know he only speaks German when theres something seriously upsetting him. He doesnt know when the tears started falling. He takes off his glasses, wiping his eyes.
He hears footsteps coming into the bathroom. He gets on his phone, trying to busy himself as he sees all the messages.
private chat- mikey & dustybuns
dustybuns: mike where are yoy going?
dustybuns: i saw yoy going the opposite way of the lunch room
private chat- mikey & maximus
maximus: mike what fhe fuck
maximus: i know you know what im talking about
maximus: you told me it was getting better
maximus: when did you start seeing the counselor??
maximus: hello????
-gc-
lucas: were eatinf outside td
lucas: at the table farthest to the right when you go out the back
dustybuns: okay
dustybuns: whos all coming?
maximus: i will
willard: i can
el: i will be going
willard: mike?
dustybuns: idk where he is
dustybuns: i saw him walkinf the opposite way of the lunchroom esrkiee tho
maximus: wth??
maximus: mike where are you
The bell rings, and Mike puts his phone away. He stands up and leaves the bathroom. He doesn’t bother going to the rest of his classes, deciding he cannot see the others.
He walks home, sneaking in through his window. Ted would beat the shit out of him again if he knew Mike skipped again.
As soon as hes in his room, he goes to his desk, looking over and rereading the letters he wrote. Mike added onto Wills letter, even if his was already the longest. He puts them in his bag, knowing he wont make it much longer before he finally leaves this world. He makes sure to text Nancy that he went home early, telling her he had a stomach ache so she wont worry.
Mike waited. Its been about a week since that, and he is acting his normal self again. Not avoiding the party as much, making sure none of them think somethings up. He convinced Max he was better, and that his mom still makes him go regardless.
Its another one of those days. He full on forgets English today, and has gone back to German. Mike knows that if he avoids the party again, theyd all know somethting was up. They already knew something was up, but he convinced them its not as bad anymore.
He skipped school, telling Nancy he was sick again. He decided that tonight he would do it. So he spent the day making sure he made letters for everyone he wanted to, making them perfect, explaining how long and why hes been feeling this way.
Its 9pm, the party was at the Byers/Hoppers house. It was Friday, so they were supposed to be having their group sleepovers. So when Mike didnt show up to school, or the sleepover, they were all worried.
They already were worries about him. Lucas and Will especially. Will had a brief idea of how Mike has been, and how his mental state is, but he thought it was getting better.
Lucas and Mike have been friends the longest. He was there to see how Mike was when he didnt know english, and how he was when Will was gone in the upside down. He remembers, one night when Will was missing, and he and Mike were having a sleepover.
The two were in Mikes room. Mike had been quiet that day, quieter than usual. No one else had noticed, with them all being caught up in finding Will.
Lucas knew that sometimes Mike forgot how to speak english when he was upset, even if he didnt understand it, he still knew. He knew that Mike and Will were close, closer ans he and Mike were.
They were sitting on Mikes bed, when Lucas said “are you okay man? I know this is rough for you.” Mike looked over to him, tears starting to well-up in his eyes.
He burst out sobbing, covering his face in his hands and shaking his head ‘no.’ Lucas held him in his arms, as they laid down. Lucas laid on his back and Mike laid on Lucas’ chest while Lucas held onto him. Mike was still sobbing, so Lucas let him cry all he needed.
Eventually Mike stopped crying, and he told Lucas everything. He told him about the depression and the anxiety, about his fathers abuse and his mothers neglect, about the therapy, and most importantly, his feelings for Will.
Ever since that day, Mike and Lucas stayed close, no matter how many arguments there were, they always made up quickly and stayed best friends.
”We need to go look for him,” Lucas said. Will looked at him, just as worried, and nodded his head. “But where would he be?” Dustin asked.
“He wouldnt be at his house, he hates being there any longer than he needs to be,” Will said. They all were trying to think of where to look first, when Max spoke up. With a sigh, she said “I might know where he could be.”
Mike and Max were never that close, they were sorta just frenemies. That was until one day, Max was taking a walk.
It was the summer after freshman year, and Mike had been acting off. Not so off to wear everyone could notice, only someone who knows the signs could.
He has been quieter than usual, and giving a lot of his stuff to everyone.
She was walking the normal route she would. She would walk in the woods, past the quarry, then shed make her way back into town, and back to her house.
It was a long walk, she knew that, but it was quiet, and she found it peaceful.
She was coming up by the quarry, looking at her shoes, when he heard quiet sobs from ahead. She would like to say she was more surprised than she was, but she wasnt.
She was just surprised it got this bad in what seemed so quickly. Mike was standing at the edge of the quarry, a bag next to him. She started quietly walking closer to him, not wanting to scare him.
His foot stuck out, he was about to jump. She ran closer to him, grabbing his arm and yanking him back. He was wearing glasses, which shed never seen him wear before.
They didnt say anything, Max just held him. She held him until he stopped crying. He told her in what little english he could remember that he was sorry. He ended up having a letter written for her, which he let her read as an explanation.
He and her had a bond from that day forward.
She didn’t tell them where she was taking them, knowing theyd all be 10 times more worried if she did. They were close to the quarry, and eventually when they got close enough, they heard the sobs.
Max’s heart wrenched, mad at herself she didnt see the signs like she did once before. She told them to be quiet as they got closer.
Will was scared. He was so so scared for his boyfriend. When he had noticed Max was bringing them to the quarry, he got even more scared. He tried to tell himself that it wasnt the quarry they were going, and that Mike wasnt going to kill himself.
But when he heard the sobs, he knew. The closer the got, they saw him. His bag next to him, a pack of cigarettes next to him and a lighter. He stood at the edge, too close to the edge. So close that he toes were off it.
Will was the first one to grab him as soon as Mike started leaning forward with his foot out. He grabbed his arm, pulling him off the edge. Will had tears down his face, and Mikes face was red and blotchy, eyes red from crying. He held Mike close, the others eventually making it a group hug.
Mike kept repeating, “Es tut mir leid.” Which Will had learned was “im sorry” from how much Mike says it. Will hushed him as he said it, telling him its okay, and that they love him.
The group stayed there for a while, waiting for everyone to calm down. While they were there, Will noticed the blood dripping down Mikes fingertip. He pulled back, gently grabbing Mikes other hand, and pulling him aside from the group.
He had a feeling he knew where the blood was coming from. He took Mikes arm into his hands and his hand hovered over the baggy sleeve that was beginning to turn read from the blood.
He looked at Mike, “can I?” He asked. Mike nodded, still lightly crying. Mikes hands were shaking. He lifted up his sleeve and Will saw them. He saw the cuts littered on his boyfriends skin. He noticed how there were some that were healed, some that were healinf, and fresh ones. He wondered, ‘how long has he been doing this?’ Will was glad he had brought his bag, as he grabbed the first aid kit he always kept on him, ever since the upside down.
He grabbed the bandages, cleaning the cuts and bandaging them. He pulled Mikes sleeve back down and took off his jacket, giving it to Mike so it would hide the blood on the sleeve. Mike mumbled a quiet “danke” and hugged Will.
Will hugged him, holding him tight and kissing his boyfriends hair. He pulled back slightly so he could see Mikes face. “Next time it gets bad, tell me, okay?” He said with a slight smile on his face.
Mike nodded. Will leaned in, kissing his Mike. “Ich liebe dich” Mike whispered. “I love you too” Will replied.
Later that night, they would all read the letters Mike wrote to them, sobbing the more they read. Mike stayed at the Byers/Hoppers home with everyone else that night. When Joyce and Hopper came home that night, They would see Mike laying on the blow up mattress in their living room, blotchy face ans glasses on, with the rest of the party cuddled up next to him.