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Ash.
Ash!
ASH!
The beeping won’t stop. The note that rings out into the air hangs there, never leaving. Why won’t the beeping stop? Stop. Stop. STOP. Stopstopstopstop.
But it doesn’t. It won’t ever. The sound will hang in his ears forever. The beeping will haunt his nightmares. The beeping is what broke him.
___________
All of the sudden, voices are swarming around him and he is being pulled out of the room. He keeps yelling, keeps holding onto Ash’s hand.
He has to stay. He promised he would stay by his side. He had to protect Ash. Protect his future. He feels his hand being ripped away. He feels himself going numb. But he is still injured and doesn’t have the strength to fight back.
___________
He thinks he hears crying. It might be his own. He is pretty sure that it is his own. He also feels the ground beneath his palms. The cold of the wall pushing through his clothes, onto his skin. When did he get on the ground? Last he remembers, he was still in his wheelchair, sitting beside the bed.
Hands. He feels hands. He feels tears streaming down his face. Ibe grabs his shoulder and is saying something to him. What is he saying? He can’t understand anything right now. He thinks it’s in Japanese, but for all he knows, it could be English.
Why is that sound still there? Can somebody please stop that sound? He can’t focus on anything else except for steady, monotone sound.
He wants to go back to Ash. He wants to hold his hand and tell him that everything is going to be okay. He wants to have all the things that they talked about. He wants the mundane mornings and walks together and cuddling up to watch anime.
He wants Ash to ask him about his favorite character. He wants to grin when Ash starts to piece things together. He wants to see the look on his face when the character that Ash becomes attached to finally gets the happy ending.
He wants all of it, but he can feel it all being ripped away.
Finally, Ibe’s voice breaks through to him.
“Eiji? Eiji, can you hear me?” Ibe looks into Eiji’s eyes and sees something behind them, and knows he can hear him. “Hey it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
Eiji looks at him, tears in his eyes.
“How?” He screams. “How will it ever be okay?”
People are staring, but he doesn’t care. Ash has been stabbed. Ash is bleeding out. Ash has flatlined. Ash is…
At that moment, a nurse walks out, a solemn look on his face. Eiji snaps his head toward him.
“We did everything we could, but his wounds were too severe. He had lost too much blood. I am so, so sorry. Sadly, we could not save him.”
Eiji struggles to understand everything that is being said to him. His English still isn’t the best, but he can pick out a few words, sees the look on the nurse's face, the look on Ibe’s face, and puts it all together.
Eiji falls into Ibe’s arms. He can’t do anything. He just cries. He cries and cries and cries.
Eiji didn’t know this kind of hurt existed. Eiji didn’t know he could hurt like this. Eiji had never hurt like this.
There is a hole ripped into his chest. A void that will never be filled. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t this. It was never this.
___________
After what feels like hours, Ibe asks if they can see Ash, one last time.
Ash. The boy with the blonde hair and green eyes that risked his life over and over to keep Eiji safe. The boy that was only nineteen, but had been through so much in his life. The boy that Eiji had laid in bed with, talking about Japan and seeing Ash’s eyes light up at the prospect of escaping. The boy that had made fun of his English pronunciations. The boy that Eiji loved. The boy that was Eiji’s soulmate.
Eiji couldn’t fathom living in a world where Ash wasn’t alive. Sure, he had only known him for a couple months, but in that short period of time, Ash had irrevocably changed Eiji’s life.
Ibe helped him stand. Helped him walk into the room. Helped him sit back down in his wheelchair.
After making sure that Eiji would be okay, Ibe left the room, sat in the hallway outside the door, and cried. He cried for his assistant that was left heartbroken. He cried for Max, who basically lost a son. But most of all, he cried for Ash, who didn’t deserve this.
___________
Eiji was now alone in the room with Ash.
Ash’s body? No, Ash. His Ash.
Ash, the boy he loved. The boy he would spend the rest of his life with, if he had been given the chance to.
He took Ash’s hand in his own. It was still warm. He noted that none of the wires were still attached to his body.
He looked so peaceful, almost like he was sleeping. He looked like the kid he was supposed to be, not the hurt adult he had become.
Eiji climbed into bed with him, put his head under Ash’s chin and held him. He never wanted to let go. He wanted to imagine that Ash would be with him forever.