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The first snowfall of the winter usually did not bid well for your people. Farmers in the west could not grow crops; the fishing village in the east was cut off from the rest of the kingdom due to the river being frozen over. Beasts from the Twisted Vale no longer needed to lurk in the shadows to hunt - the snow was perfect camouflage for them. The people lived in fear every day of the winter. They’d hold their breaths, constantly preparing for a tragedy, until the first buds peeked through the ice.
You castle served as a beacon of hope for the kingdom. They’d cast their eyes upon the north to see its towers - strong and unwavering against the howling winds - and know they were safe. The queen and her huntsmen would always keep them safe.
During the first few days of the winter chaos, your castle fell quiet. Your huntsmen waited anxiously for new orders. They trained harder during those days. Women in the village told their children the sound of thunder came from the clangs! of their swords. The people put a lot of pressure on their shoulders to win. To conquer. To protect.
You enjoyed the quiet. It gave you time to strategize on the best course of action. You cared about your people more than yourself. You slept better at night knowing they were safe, and their bellies were full at night. But there were times you struggled to send your huntsmen into the fray. You loved them. You never wanted to lose them.
Especially Natasha.
Your Natasha.
She was the best huntsman you had. She was strong and fearless. The number of kingdoms she brought down for you was worthy of noticing. You trusted her to bring everyone home safely, but your heart sank whenever she marched past the walls of your castle.
“My queen,” you were pulled out of your thoughts by another huntsman, Thor. “The Twisted Vale grows restless, and a beast has been spotted by the farms. What are your orders?”
“You and James take your men to the edge,” you replied after a moment of contemplation. “Slay whatever beast dares to stray past the Vale for three days then return for rest.”
“Aye.” He bowed his head and began to turn away, but he stopped in his tracks. “Natasha will not be pleased being left here.”
You gave him a small smile. “She and her men need rest. If she has a problem, she may come see me.”
No one else in the kingdom knew of your secret love affair with Natasha, but your men were not daft. They noticed the longing glances and the secret meetings. When you addressed a room, your eyes lingered on her longer than anyone else. Most did not understand why you kept it a secret, but Thor did. He had been your huntsman since he was a child, and he knew love made you look weak to surrounding kingdoms.
And you refused to look weak.
You waited until Thor walked out of the room before you deflated into your throne. You cradled your head in your hand, hoping you could ease some of the tension pounding in your temples. Natasha would not be happy about your orders, and you were preparing yourself to face her wrath.
“Your majesty?”
You looked up and smiled over at Loki, your advisor. He always seemed to pop up at the perfect moments.
“Hello, Loki,” you greeted.
“You are troubled. May I ask why?”
“How does - how should a queen choose between love and her duty?”
He kneeled in front of you. He allowed himself a few moments to gather his thoughts. You clearly didn’t want to go into detail on what you meant, and he would never ask you to expand on it. You trusted him with the most sensitive information, but you could not tell him this. Not yet.
“You should not have to choose between the two, my queen,” he finally responded. “That which you love should be your duty.”
“Hmph. How vague.”
“You usually enjoy a vague response.”
You gave him a knowing look but did not respond. He was right - you enjoyed when the counsel he gave could be open for interpretation, but his advice did nothing to ease your mind now. No matter what decision you made in this moment, your heart would ache.
“You should rest.” He placed a gentle hand on your arm. Your worry was a concern to him. He hated to see you in distress knowing there was nothing he could do. “You have spoken your orders, and now you may rest. Whatever shall happen can be worried about another day.”
He helped you up and escorted you to your sleeping quarters. The exhaustion was written all over your face; it weighed your steps down as you moved through the corridors. You were grateful Loki did not push to discuss the topic more. You enjoyed his peaceful company just as much as his counsel. He helped you see a small light amid a snowstorm.
You thanked him when you reached your room. You hadn’t admitted it, but you were looking forward to getting a few hours of rest. Sleep always seemed to clear your mind, and you hoped you would have the right answer when you woke.
But your plans of rest were put on hold when you saw Natasha sitting on the edge of your bed. The sheer curtains on your bed frame billowed around her. She looked ethereal under the glow of the sunlight streaming in from the window, but the hard look in her eyes made your stomach sink. Thor must have told her your decision already. It didn’t take her long to confront you about it.
She watched you walk towards your vanity, the train of your deep blue gown trailing behind you. She noticed the way you purposefully avoided her gaze. You focused solely on removing your jewelry, and you made sure to take your time with that, hoping her anger would dissipate in the silence. Your mind was too cluttered with thoughts to be able to form a coherent argument now.
The longer you took to address her presence, the greater her anger grew. Your silence admitted your wrongdoing than any of your words could. Whatever your planned on saying, she refused to accept because she knew it would be an excuse. And she didn’t understand why you would go through all this trouble. If you truly knew her, you would know she could not stand by while her brothers marched off to the Vale.
She approached you, placing a hand on your arm to halt your actions.
“Am I not your best huntsman?” She asked.
“You are…”
“Am I not the best leader? Am I not strong or stealthy? Am I not fully capable? Have my men defied you in some way?”
You silently stared at her hand. What were you to say? You had no valid excuse for keeping her here. You used the rest excuse to appease Thor, but you new it would not work for Natasha. She was far too stubborn - far too angry to accept anything but your admission of guilt.
She closed her eyes and released an angry huff. “Why are my men and I not going to the Twisted Vale with Thor and James?”
“They are more than capable of taking care of it themselves.”
“That does not eliminate the risks! You don’t know if things have changed! What if they are walking into a trap?”
“Again, they are more than capable of handling it,” you sighed. “Their men are brave. I trust them to take care of it.”
“I don’t-”
You dropped your arm from her grip. “Am I not your queen?”
Her jaw ticked. She hadn’t expected you to go there. It wasn’t fair to dangle your authority over her head to get her to drop the topic.
“You’ll follow my orders, and I will not discuss this further,” you said with such a finality, Natasha knew better than to argue. But she still had a right to know why.
“At least tell me why, please,” she whispered.
Your heart thudded rapidly in your chest. The words were on the tip of your tongue. You dared not to utter them before now, even during the nights you spent breathless in each other’s arms. It made everything too official; it would leave you tethered to her soul for eternity. No one else would ever be able to satisfy your heart the way Natasha did. The moment you told her, you’d never be able to move on if you ever lost her.
She felt the hesitation coming off you. Your shoulders tensed, and your eyes flickered between her and the door as if you contemplated running away from this conversation.
Fear was a funny thing. Most kings and queens feared being overthrown. They feared losing their knights to the war. They feared their children would not wish to ascend to the throne. Kings and queens had fears that most of the common folk could not relate to, but you were not the same. You knew you’d never be overthrown, and your men would never be slain. Your confidence in yourself was how you managed to rule for so long.
You feared something no ruler ever truly had to fear: love.
Not the kind of love you felt towards a child or a friend. The love you felt for your kingdom was something to be revered. You could never run away from that type of love.
You feared a first love. The kind of love that kept you up at night. The kind that made you question decisions such as keeping your best warriors away from a battle they need to fight. The kind that could crush your soul if you lost it without a chance of ever getting it back. It twisted your insides, let you believe you would never be able to be happy without seeing the woman of your affection. That kind of love was terrifying. You never wanted to know what it was like to have it because you never wanted to know how you’d feel without it.
You moved towards your bed, giving yourself a chance to breathe without Natasha invading your senses. The sun was beginning to set, and the orange glow somehow changed the mood in the room. Your heart rate had slowed down immensely. You took a chance to close your eyes and ready yourself for a confession that could change everything you’ve ever known.
Natasha knelt in front of you, taking your hands in hers. She brought your knuckles to her lips; a tender gesture that made your heart flutter.
“I have sworn fealty to you, my queen,” she mumbled against your skin. “Nothing you ever say can turn me away.”
You gently gripped her chin and pulled her up to your level. She smiled at the way you looked at her. Your eyes were filled with warmth, with adoration. She had seen you look at her that way several times before, but something about this time felt different. It felt…more.
“I am a coward. I have been afraid of letting you fulfill your duty because I love you. It eats at my heart knowing I selfishly put my love before my duty, but I could not stop myself. If I ever lost you, I fear I would not be able to handle it. The grief would be too much.”
“My love for you is what makes me successful. You never have to worry about losing me,” she assured you.
You nodded slowly. “You may go to the Vale’s edge with Thor and James under one condition.”
“Oh?”
You kissed her hungrily - letting the strength of your words be poured into it. Your fear of losing her would always be with you, but part of loving someone was trusting their word. She swore to come back to you even after the bloodiest battle. You believed her. You would always believe her.
But sometimes a queen needed reassurance. You needed to be shown just how much someone loved you, and if she never returned from the edge, your heart would be full knowing you had one more night of bliss to hold onto.
She pushed your back against the bed and straddled your hips. Her fingers played with the silk strings on the front of your dress. She gave you a coy smile as she undid them agonizingly slow. You wanted to reach out and rush things along over how impatient she was making you feel, but you let her have all the control. You were submitting to her in every way you knew how.
“Tasha,” you said through a sigh, “Please.”
She leaned over and kissed the corner of your mouth. “Tell me again, and I will.”
“Tell you what?”
“That you love me. I want to hear it again.”
You bit your lip. “I love you. I will always love you.”
“And I will always love you, my queen.”