Chapter Text
The faces. Sam remembered them vividly from the night his family had died. Both of them were staring at him now with murderous intent. And he could see no way of stopping the creature.
Therefore, he did the only thing he could think of at the moment: he started running toward the door. "Going somewhere?" came the creature's cold voice. There was a loud flapping of wings behind him, and the next thing he knew, it had landed right in front of him, blocking the exit. A large hairy hand reached out and grabbed him. "First things first," it sniggered, tossing Sam like a rag doll into the wall. It then lurched toward the Saunamobile and yanked off the driver's side door. "YIIIIPE!" Gonzo and Rizzo shrieked simultaneously. "Uh, we're not buying any!" the whatever said nervously.
"Out!" the creature tossed him and Rizzo out the door. It then turned the key in the ignition and ripped off the front panel so it couldn't be turned back off. The sauna spray started inching back up toward Kermit and Piggy. "Well, here we go again!" the frog groaned.
"Any ideas?" Piggy was for once starting to look nervous herself.
"Just the last ditch pointless one: HEEEELLLLLLPPPP!" the two of them screamed for anyone who cared to hear.
"I think not!" the creature hissed toward the back of the room, where several people and Muppets had been trying to sneak towards the Saunamobile. It raised its hand high, and instantly walls of flames rose up almost to the ceiling all over the room, leaving everyone trapped in the corners. "Oh this is terrific!" Bob griped, shielding several Muppets from the flames.
"Anyone bring marshmallows?" Cookie Monster was somewhat less phased by this disturbing development.
Up in the gallery, everyone was rather surprised at what Jareth had become. "Did he tell you this?" one of the Skeksis asked Bitterman.
"No," the magnate said, but she wasn't upset, "But no matter. I love men—or things—with absolute power like this. I'll just have to make sure he can control his transformations in bed."
"Good luck," Miss Finch sighed, "My third husband turned out to be a were-parrot. I tried to live with it, but it was just too much having to move out every month at the full moon while he went on a rampage and tore up everything in sight..."
Down below, Sam was getting a full feeling of a rampage himself. The creature was zapping him with painful red bolts of electricity from its fingers. He wretched in pain and agony. "Having fun?" the creature mocked him, "At least I get to see you suffer! It was too easy watching the rest of your family die immediately! But now I'm going to make it long and slow for you, Sammy!"
He picked him up again and flew up to the roof, then dropped him down to the floor. Sam shuddered from the impact. He needed a weapon quickly.
"Here," from behind the flames, Fozzie tossed a large rubber kickball at him. Sam stared at it in wonder. What the heck?" he shrugged and reared his arm back…
Only to get another severe blast of magic electricity from the creature. "You'll never harm me, Klubb!" it gloated, "It's all over now!"
Ignoring the severe pain as much as he could, Sam glanced to his right. He noticed the rear valve to the Saunamobile's main tank stuck out like a sore thumb. With his remaining strength, he tossed the kickball at it. It hit the valve straight on and unleashed a torrent of sauna toward the creature…
…which jumped out of its way unharmed. "Nice try, but I didn't come here to swim!" it laughed, pelting the detective with more electricity. Groaning, Sam noticed the spray of sauna was burning a hole through the wall. Behind it were tanks and barrels labeled SAUNA: BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL WITH. "That's it!" the exclamation escaped his lips. He grasped out for the kickball, seized a hold of it, and tossed it at the creature's left head. Once again it hit dead on, and the creature stumbled backwards, the bolts of electricity blowing a large hole in the floor. "That was un-WHOA!" it exclaimed in shock as it stepped backwards into the hole. As it fell, another blast of electricity shot from its fingers and blew open the tanks behind the wall, dumping a wall of sauna into the hole after it. "NNNOOOOOOOO!" came the scream from under the blackish liquid.
Up on the hook, the remaining sauna spraying was close to Piggy and Kermit again. "Goodbye Kermie, my one true love!" the pig cried melodramatically, "We go together, as we were meant to be, as…!"
Just as the spray was about to touch them, it abruptly trickled off to nothing. "Oh it's terrible!" Piggy kept shrieking even though the danger was over, "Death is worse than I imagined! It feels like…!"
"Uh, Piggy, we're going to live," Kermit gestured with his flipper toward the now silent sauna cannon. "Oh. I knew that," Piggy said stoically.
A loud shriek from the hole caught their attention. Because of the shape of the floor, all of the sauna was now draining into the hole on top of the creature. Shaking himself off, Sam rushed over to the edge and looked down. The sauna had now destroyed its left head, and the right one was back down to two eyes. Its remaining face was filled with abject terror as it was being destroyed by its own concoction. "I'M MELTING!" it cried out, scratching at the sides in a frantic attempt to escape, "MELTING! MELTING! IT SHOULDN'T END LIKE THIS!"
"I think it only fair," Gordon had managed to inch through the wall of flames, which were now dying down, and was standing on the other side of the pit, "As I tell my students every day, he who hurts others serves only to hurt himself."
The creature slowly sank down into the huge puddle of sauna building up underneath it. Its wings hit the liquid and crumpled up. Nonetheless, although its doom was sealed, it still kept scratching and clawing away until it disappeared into a huge burst of steam and its screams abruptly stopped. Sam breathed a large sigh of relief. His family had been avenged.
"Uh, Detective Klubb, we could still use your help here!" came a shout from Kermit. The Saunamobile was still lurching toward him and Piggy up on the hook. Thinking quickly, Sam picked up the kickball and kicked it as hard as he could toward the controls up near the gallery. Once again his aim was true, and the ball hit the Up button. Instantly Kermit and Piggy were jerked upwards as the Saunamobile rammed its way through the wall. Inside the cab, Krassman groaned as he came to. "Stupid whatevers," he groaned to himself, "Think they can go flying wherever they—YAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!"
The Saunamobile had come out at Frogtown Hollow on the other side of the wall and was now tumbling into the river. Krassman leaped to safety just in time. Immediately Fozzie was on him with a pickle. "Move and I shoot," the bear said in his best John Wayne voice.
"Drat those loaded pickles!" Krassman grumbled. He and Fozzie watched as the Saunamobile dipped underneath the water. The wail of sirens now filled the air. "Figures," Gonzo grumbled from over by the wall, "The cops always manage to show up after everything's over and done with."
No fewer than a dozen cop cars were now streaming into the castle. Up in the gallery, Bitterman leaped to her feet. "Time to beat a path out of here," she declared, rushing for the door.
A large fish flew through the door and whacked her in the face. "Everyone hold it," came the voice of Lew Zealand, who charged in brandishing more fish. Meanwhile, another uniformed figure jumped on top of the Skeksis and pinned down their heads with a large board. "Get this off!" yelled one of them.
"Suspect pacifying in progress!" yelled Marvin Suggs, hefting a mallet, "Tuning up!"
He whammed each Skeksis in the head one at a time, prodding a loud "OW!" from each of them. A large heavyset human figure entered the gallery. "OK, this one's real, Bitterman," he said, hefting a genuine gun, "You're under arrest for false death."
"That's not a charge!" she protested.
"It is now," the cop said, "You, Doug McKenzie," he gestured at Sam Sleaze, "Lower the frog and pig down."
"Not you again!" Sid recognized him.
"No, it's Dr. Tongue; of course it's me," the cop said, "And you're under arrest for conspiracy to commit frogslaughter and pignapping."
Sid burst into tears again at the thought of going to jail once more. His brother rolled his eyes and obeyed the cop's order. Slowly Kermit and Piggy dropped to the floor and safety. Rizzo picked the locks holding them. "You two OK?" he asked them.
"I've felt better," Kermit admitted.
"Oh Kermit, my love, my hero, you were a pillar of strength!" Piggy threw herself all over the frog and tried to kiss him, "Hold me now! Unleash that passion you've kept so long for…"
"Piggy, will you stop!" Kermit tore himself free and ran toward Sam. "Protect me, please!" he begged the detective.
There was a mild clamor in the air. Muppets of all shapes and sizes were pouring through the gap in the wall from Frogtown Hollow. Combined with those that had already entered the castle, there were well over four hundred of them. They approached the pit and looked down at Jareth's remains, which by now were little more than lots of black hair, wire frames, and red ping-pong balls. "I've heard of being beside yourself, but this is ridiculous," Statler, the first one to the edge, commented.
"The big question is, could all the king's horses and all the king's men put him back together again?" Waldorf added.
"How should I know, I never met anyone connected with the king," Statler shrugged.
"Boy, I wonder who he really was deep down?" Emmet Otter was right behind them.
"I'll tell you one thing, Emmet, he sure wasn't a beaver," Harvey told him.
"Or a cow," added Gladys.
"Or a toy tiger," chimed in Rugby.
"Or a monster," claimed Herry.
"Or a Fraggle," guessed Wembley.
"Or a magician," said the Amazing Mumford, waving his wand around.
"He was my precious!" a sorrowful Bitterman ran toward the hole and sobbed at the Goblin King's fate, "You!" she snarled at Sam, having to be restrained by the big cop from attacking the detective, "You killed him!"
"Hey, nothing I wouldn't do in self-defense," the big cop told her, "Let's go, Bitterman, you're going down for this one."
He and several other cops dragged her and the surviving suspects off ("Unhand me sir!" Pa Gorg was ordering Nigel, who was escorting him off in handcuffs, "I'm the king of the universe! I have diplomatic immunity!"). One final police car pulled in through the hole in the wall. "Uncle Kermit, you're all right!" Robin bounded out of the back seat.
"Of course I'm all right, Robin," Kermit hugged him. Scooter and Connie followed the little frog. "Boy, you look like you've been through a war, Sam," the latter greeted the detective.
"More or less," Sam clutched a painful spot in his chest, "How'd you get here?"
"Earl called the police when you didn't come back after an hour," Scooter explained, "We've been searching high and low all night, haven't we, Mr. O'Shaughnessy?"
"Exactly, kid," O'Shaughnessy climbed out of the driver's seat, "What exactly happened here, Klubb?"
"Lord Jareth," Sam gestured at the pit, "And Bitterman conspired to commit Muppetcide. I have it all on tape."
He pulled a tape recorder from his pocket and handed it to O'Shaughnessy. "Clever, clever," Scooter commented.
"Yeah, almost too clever," Gonzo walked over, "Why is it they always have things on tape at the right time?"
"Speaking of which," Piggy thrust a watch in the whatever's face, "It's just about midnight. And without Henson's will, we all lose Muppetville permanently. It's only slightly better than being saunaed."
A heavy silence fell among all the Muppets. Everyone turned toward Kermit. "What?" the frog asked, "I don't have it. If I knew where it was, I'd give it up right away, but…"
"Kermit, remember that contract you drew up for everyone?" something had clicked in Sam's mind.
"Yes, and?"
"Hold it," Sam handed it to him, then struck a match and held it to the paper, "And read it now."
"Hmm, I, James Maury Henson, of sound mind and body, decree that…WE FOUND IT!" Kermit exclaimed excitedly, "Decree that from this day forward, as long as this paper is not recovered and read by midnight fifteen years after I go, the property known as Muppetville shall be forever be in possession of my friends the Muppets! We got it!"
Loud cheers broke out through the crowds of Muppets. "Hold it, hold it, hold it!" Bert shouted over the cries, "How do we know for sure it's the real thing? For all we know, Jim could have written something else entirely."
Silence fell again. "That's a good point," Gobo remarked, "We'll need to get an expert to analyze it before midnight."
"Here comes the Honor Elder of Muppetville; he can tell if it's real," cried out an unspecified Muppet somewhere in the back of the crowd. The Muppets abruptly parted like the Red Sea to make room for a small greenish figure walking with a cane that slowly made its way forward. "The will to me give," it told Sam.
"All yours, Yoda," Sam handed it to him. The Jedi Master took it and carefully analyzed it. "Thirty seconds to midnight," Rizzo told him nervously.
Yoda held up his hand to silence the rat. Everyone held their breath. Finally, just ten seconds before midnight, Yoda said softy, "Authentic, this will is."
This time the cheers threatened to bring down the rafters. Even Sam himself couldn't stop from joining in. He seized Connie around the chest and swung her around in delight. "Aw, why keep it suppressed anymore?" Thog leaned down, "Why not just kiss and make it official?"
"I might just when we're alone," Sam pushed the big blue creature back softly, but he was smiling.
"So, I guess you'll be back to normal now again, Detective Klubb?" Kermit walked up to him, "That was amazing what you did with the Riverbottom Gang. I guess you can laugh again now that you've gotten peace."
"I guess so too," Sam nodded, patting Kermit on the head, "And to be honest, Kermit, I'm glad to have done it with you."
Kermit grinned. "Hey, this calls for a celebration," Fozzie called out over the crowd once everything had calmed down.
"I know," Emmet piped up, "We can all go to the Riverside Rest and have a victory dinner there."
"Sounds good, that does," Yoda climbed up onto Sweetums's shoulders, "To the Riverside Rest let's go; time to boogie down, it is!"
The Jedi master made several uncharacteristic "hip" moves. "Ready Rowlf?" Dr. Teeth called over to the dog on the opposite side of a large moveable platform on which they and the rest of the Electric Mayhem were now standing.
"Ready Teeth," Rowlf poised himself over a brand new piano, "And a one and a two and a three, hit it."
They broke into a familiar tune. With one arm around Kermit (who glanced around to make sure Piggy wasn't going to ambush him with love) and another around Connie, a much happier than ever Sam followed the crowds of Muppets through the wall into Frogtown Hollow, singing loudly with them, "Life's like a movie, write your own ending, keep believing, keep pretending, we've survived the worst and we're starting anew, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you."
"Not to mention us," commented George from the back of the crowd, where he and Beauregard were sweeping up after everyone, "After all, we get to clean this whole mess up."
"Yeah," Beauregard added, "Lucky us."
THE END