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The Titan Shifters had been uncovered, tricked into revealing themselves in a way that, given everything else going on at the time, was perhaps a touch more dramatic and bloody than Hange might have preferred. Seeing Reiner shift while still inside the titan that just ate him had been really cool though.
Due to a lack of imagination, most of the Scouts were distressed to learn the two Titans who smashed both gates in Shiganshina and one in Trost had been successfully hiding amongst them for, in some cases, years. Every night since the reveal, Reiner and Bertholdt had approached their friends’ campfires and every time, they’d been told they could go and fuck themselves with everything from a pine cone to Commander Shadis' confiscated collection of dildos. The two of them would then slink away, obviously feeling unloved. Eren always followed them. So did Hange.
They had so many questions, so many experiments to run. And now that they didn’t just have Eren to focus their attention on, they didn’t have to constantly worry about those pesky child abuse laws Levi kept reminding them of either. As if human laws were even needed for their special baby.
Hange found the three Titans camped in a tree well away from the rest of the Scouts, sitting around their sad little fire a good twenty-five metres above the ground. Bertholdt was sitting with his knees drawn up and his arms around them. Reiner was cross-legged, Eren in his lap cuddled against him.
“So cute!” they squealed as they landed, face flushed.
The two adults traded looks. “What do you want now?” Reiner sighed. Bertholdt elbowed him. “I mean, welcome to our fire, Squad Leader.”
“Hi!” they said, plopping down to sit across from them. “I have more experiments to run.”
“Of course you do.” Reiner somehow managed to lean forward in such a way that they couldn’t see Eren anymore. “What do you want to torture - I mean try out on us next?”
“I have so many questions about healing after amputation!”
Reiner looked at his partner. “We’re in hell, right? This is our punishment for everything bad we’ve ever done, isn’t it?” Bertholdt nodded vigorously.
“Don’t be such a big baby,” Hange said and drew a knife. They’d even sterilized it before sticking it in their pocket this time. “Gimme.” They gestured at the blond.
Reiner sighed again and stretched out one arm.
“What doing?” Eren asked from the safety of Reiner’s lap.
Reiner looked down at him. “This is a demonstration on what not to do with a knife.”
“If should not do, why you do?”
“I’m asking myself that very question.”
“Big baby,” Hange repeated, gripping his pinkie. He could spare it for a while, right?
Before they could start sawing, a loud, echoing call sounded from somewhere deeper in the forest, like a thousand goats screaming all at once. All the murmured conversation that had been going on in the background ceased. The three Titans looked in the direction it came from, eyes wide.
“Holy shit,” Bertholdt said at last. “Is that-”
“Yeah? I think so,” Reiner agreed.
“What?” Hange asked. “What is it?” The call came again. Those goats sounded like they were in real distress.
Reiner looked at them, then down at the finger they still had a grip on, before he yanked his hand back. “Hey!” they protested.
“That’s a Greater Titan,” he told them with a grin and Hange immediately forgot all about dismemberment.
“What?!” they screeched. “Are you serious?!”
“I’m amazed there are any of us still left out here,” Bertholdt mused.
“Me too. Man, no wonder they sound like that. They’ve got to be super frustrated right now.”
Hange was nearly vibrating. “I want to go see,” they gasped, already standing to use their ODM gear.
They both turned towards them, eyes wide. “You don’t want to do that!” Bertholdt promised in a rush.
But… it was a new Titan! “Why?” they asked.
“Well,” the boy hedged. “They might not have seen a human before and may just decide you’re a Titan in small form. Which could get, uh, uncomfortable.”
Their eyes narrowed. “Uncomfortable how? What is that cry?”
Bertholdt was blushing. “Um, it’s just a call to any other Titan who might be close enough to hear it. Think of it like birdsong in spring.”
“Yeah,” Reiner grinned. “They’re in heat, so they're basically yelling ‘FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK MEEEEEE!” He essentially screamed it.
“What the hell?!” came from where Levi had made camp.
Hange was definitely vibrating now. “That Titan’s looking to get pregnant?!” Seriously? How? They’d never seen anything remotely resembling a dick on any of them. Hange suddenly found themselves with a whole new obsession.
Reiner shrugged. “Yeah, if they can find someone to answer them, that is. Somehow I think they’re gonna be shit out of luck.”
“You could go answer, right?” Hange suggested, eager.
Reiner blinked and stopped tickling the little boy in his lap. “I… yeah, I guess I could. Except for one problem.” He looked at Bertholdt, who’d been regarding him over his own bony knees with one eyebrow raised. “Bertl, love of my life, my darling, my other half. How would you react if I went skipping off to do some deep throating with somebody else?”
“I’d rip your tongue out and shove it up Hange's ass.”
“As well you should, as well you should.” Reiner looked back at Hange and shrugged. “Sorry. Besides, even if Bertholdt wanted to share, I would never make that Titan pregnant. That would just be rude.”
“What do you mean?” Hange asked. The call sounded again, possibly a bit closer. The other Scouts shifted, nervous.
“I don’t know them,” Reiner pointed out. “There’s been no discussion. Someone being in heat and screaming to be fucked is a really weak reason to go knocking them up.”
Hange had a very eccentric method of thinking, but even for them, Titan logic sometimes took a lot of work. “I… what?”
“Being in heat just makes you fertile,” Bertholdt explained, taking pity on them. “And horny. And, well, kind of dumb.”
That was actually a horrifying thought, considering who was talking.
“We’re not animals,” he went on. “We can control ourselves, especially the partner who isn’t in heat.”
“Unless both Titans are in heat,” Reiner reminded him.
“Oh, well, yeah, if they’re both in heat, all bets are off. At that point, they don’t even have to like each other.”
Reiner grinned. “Which is great if you’ve got a kink for hate sex. Of course,” He rubbed his chin. “that’s also how you end up raising giant furry monkey boys. His parents still loathe each other. Seeing them together is funny as hell, just stay out of the blast range.”
“This all boring talk,” Eren sulked from Reiner’s lap. Reiner noogied his head and offered him a ration bar.
Giant furry monkey boys, Hange mouthed with no idea of what that even meant. Their mind was reeling with other questions though. “I still don’t understand how you can have sex with someone who’s in heat and not get them pregnant. Getting pregnant is the whole reason to be in heat.”
Reiner made a face. “Well, for humans, maybe.” He paused and looked at Bertholdt. “Hey, do humans go into heat?”
“I don’t think they ever leave it, actually,” Bertholdt mused.
Reiner considered that and shrugged. “Anyway, you have to negotiate with someone about whether they want a kid before they go into heat. Make sure they actually want it before you waste any sperm on them. It’s only polite.”
“Plus," Bertholdt added, "if they don’t want one and you knock them up anyway, they’ll snap out of heat the second they start being pregnant and you’re going to find yourself in a really vulnerable position, what with your tongue being down their throat while they have all their teeth handy.”
“So if they haven’t agreed on making a kid,” Reiner explained, “you just have normal sex without sperm. Badda bing, badda boom, everybody gets laid and nobody loses a body part.”
“You control whether you release any sperm,” Hange breathed, eyes shining.
“Of course we do. Wait, don’t humans?”
“No!”
“Huh. No wonder there are so many of you little fuckers around.” Reiner leaned back on his hands, revealing Eren trying to cram his entire ration bar into his mouth in the most disgusting way possible. “Anyway-”
A different call sounded, more seasick cows than rabid goats. Reiner and Bertholdt’s jaws dropped.
“No way!”
“Yes way!”
“What?” Hange screeched. “What is it?”
“Somebody just showed up.” Reiner laughed. “I guess there are still two Greater Titans out here.”
He tickled Eren out of his lap and stood up. Bertholdt was already gathering together their gear. Reiner poured water on the fire. “Well, time to go.”
“What?” Hange said for probably the millionth time. “Why?”
“Because from the tone of their screaming, I don’t think those Titans out there’ve gotten any in a really long time.” Reiner shouldered his pack and started to strap on his ODM gear. Eren watched with interest. “And like Bertl said, heat cooks your brain.”
“I did not put it that way. But he’s right. I expect they’re gonna be, um, eager.”
Twin roars sounded from disturbingly close by and there was a crashing sound. One of the massive trees they liked to take refuge in tipped over with a groan and fell, slamming into the ground with terrific force. Scouts were panicking. Horses were screaming. Erwin was yelling.
Reiner grinned at Hange, very glad to have gotten out of the evening’s amputations. “In the words of my people,” he said and cupped his hands to his mouth. “RUN AWAY! HOLY SHIT, RUN THE FUCK AWAY!” He grabbed Eren and went diving off the branch, Bertholdt right behind him. Scouts started zipping away, carrying his warning with them.
Hange hesitated, staring wide-eyed into the forest. In it, they could see two huge shadows against the rest of the darkness, finally coming together and reeling blindly in their direction, smashing into trees and taking many of them down in the process.
“Oh,” they whispered, unable to move in the face of this wonder of Titan biology. “Oh. My. Go-”
Levi slammed into them, hauling them away before their tree also went over in what they considered to be a very poorly timed rescue indeed.