Chapter Text
The ocean breeze was brisk. Stinging. Unflinchingly cruel in it's quality. The kind of breeze that clawed aches into the lining of one's lungs. The flecks of sea spray cutting across her cheeks. It is easy to forget that the glass that cuts flesh so simply is made of the same sand that once kissed the cheeks of children playing on the beach. It was fascinating to Azula. The unmatched potential for destruction and injury that the ocean biome possessed from the all consuming water to the smallest grain of sand.
It was near impossible to catch her reflection over the side of the ferry they had charted. The ripples of the water below her breaking up the image of herself before she could grasp onto it. The deep blackness of the nighttime sea staring back coldly instead. She sighed quietly, pulling the wide brimmed hat down more securely on her head as a gust of wind threatened to set it free. Below deck, Katara was soundly asleep in the passenger quarters the fire nation freighter had rented to them. Luckily they had even had room for livestock cargo, so Kenji had not been abandoned to the wilds of the Earth Kingdom.
If she was being honest, Azula didn't really quite remember how she got here. Not that she would ever admit it. Neither was it something so dramatic as short-term amnesia. The days after leaving Xia's farm were just somewhat of a blur. Things had been... quiet between her and Katara. Without being asked or seemingly without Azula's input at least, Katara had just quietly led them southward. Their routine seemed uninterrupted as far as Azula could tell. Azula built the fires. Katara took care of Kenji. They slept in the same bed.
It was just done quietly.
A space had opened up between them once more. Not in the same way that there had been a distance between them before.
No. Not the same at all.
If Azula had to explain it, she supposed the only thing she could say was that she loved Katara. That in the beginning the distance had been a lack of understanding. A lack of trust. A lack of proper communication. Things they had certainly dealt with in time.
But then there was more distance to cross. That strange sort of phenomenon where things seem within reach, so close, until one starts sprinting towards them. As if the earth senses desperation within man and expands itself. To turn what feels like meters into miles, and the harder one runs, the more profusely one's feet blister and bleed, the more the world asks. She had once heard Iroh spouting one of his many platitudes not long before Zuko was banished. It is the journey not the destination that matters, he had said. With his full stomach and richly dyed robes, even at the time she had found him insufferable.
The journey and not the destination. Easy to say for a blubbering old man. Who could so easily pack his bags and pretend that his tea shop was anything more than a snake oil salve for the unease that would forever live in his bones. She knew it lived in hers.
What good was the journey to her? To her who had long hungered for the destination. Who had fought, crawled, degraded herself only to be denied a destination. Was it so wrong to want things to be done? To seal the envelope that encased her long list of crimes against those she cared for most. To know that she did everything right for once. Did everything right like how she used to.
A strong gust came across the deck of the ship, stealing the hat from Azula's head before she could stop it. The wide brim floating of the wind like a bird gliding on woven wings. She growled lightly in frustration as she watched it drift away into the horizon.
It was then that she noticed the first sliver of Agni rising over the eastern sea. The deep blue of the night slowly giving way to the reddish hue of the sun. Azula dragged her hand over the side of her face. She couldn't keep track of anything anymore it seemed, it felt like she'd only been out here a handful of minutes. The ache of exhaustion began to settle into her bones again.
A heavy weight of defeat settled into her stomach. It would be another day that Katara would likely have to lead them forward. The knowledge felt like bile coming up her throat.
Azula kept her eyes anchored on the sunrise. The slow seeping heat of morning alighting the numb skin of her arms and hands. She sighed.
In the beginning, the distance between her and Katara was that they simply didn't truly know each other. Now, Azula feared they knew each other too well. Perhaps even that Azula knew herself more honestly than ever before. She wished more than ever to be able to see into Katara's most private thoughts. If only because Azula was sure the water bender had to be operating with some level of delusion in order to be romantically attracted to her.
But perhaps, more so, because Azula wanted to know if Katara knew that Azula loved her. She hoped Katara did, because she didn't know if she could say it.
As Agni's light spread across the world, Azula could just make out the Fire Nation coastline. It's curves and mountains carved into the left side of her brain. A sight so unmistakable that it made her bones burn with want for the many comforts of the home that now only exists in her childhood memories.
Azula didn't think she could say it. She was unsure what she desired more. She wouldn't deny the girl her company. Azula didn't think even she could be so self-flaggelating to keep herself wholly separated from the water bender. It just felt selfish to make such a proclamation when her heart and mind were in such disarray. She had always been a creature that hungered for the finish line. It felt cruel to love Katara when all Azula felt she had left was the desire for things to end quietly and simply.
And it never would.
"Azula, calm down, you're practically vibrating," Katara said. Her voice was slightly pushed as she leaned down from Kenji's saddle, trying to keep some modicum of privacy between them.
Azula, who's foot tapped the cobblestone road at a mile a minute, made no such attempt at subtly. Her eyes cutting across in a harsh glare at the palace guards, "We would already be inside if it weren't for these morons on a power trip, I am the princess of the Fire Nation, I remain second in line for the throne, and I have every right to enter these grounds without question."
She watched the guards shift from foot to foot awkwardly. In the back of her mind she knew they wouldn't respond in any real way. Their third companion had already taken off at a sprint to go retrieve the Fire Lord, and it was only a matter of time till he arrived. Likely with Mai in tow. Perhaps with their mother as well if he was particularly thoughtless today. Azula figured it was somewhat of a coin flip these days if Agni would curse her or not.
A warm hand landed on her shoulder, sliding gently up her neck until it cupped the curve of her jaw. A slight pressure into the soft flesh of under her chin made her face tilt up and to the side. Katara's thumb coming up to brush the other side of her jaw as their eyes met. Azula distant heard the guards armor jangle as they straightened. Likely preparing to defend Master Katara from the homicidal princess.
Azula stared up at the other girl her arms still crossed. She bit at the inside of her cheek in an attempt to maintain her glare. The pad of Katara's thumb quickly found the dimple the action had created on the outside of her cheek. The water bender spoke again, quietly but insistent, "Stop that."
It was a command in two parts really. A gentle plead to stop biting herself underlined with a more firm demand to drop the attitude. Azula huffed slightly as her eyes slid away from the other girl, but ultimately followed both.
Her shoulders slouching as Azula whispered, "Apologies."
Katara's knee nudged tighter into Kenji's flank. The ostrich horse took a few steps around Azula, his massive frame effectively shrouding her from the guards view. Katara's hand did not move as she said, "You're nervous."
It wasn't a question by any stretch of the imagination. Just a simple fact Katara had surmised simply by looking at her. Azula sighed and allowed her head to lay a little heavier into Katara's palm, "I'm wagering with myself on how intelligent my brother is feeling today."
Katara's brow furrowed for a moment, her lips pursing like she was preparing to say something. Then her mouth rounded into a shape of realization before closing suddenly. She glanced over her shoulder as if to confirm that neither the guards nor gate had moved. Reassured in their privacy, the water bender asked, "Your mother?"
Azula was tempted to bite the inside of her cheek again. To dig her canines into the tender flesh till the taste of blood washed across her tongue. Perhaps choke on the lump on her throat while she was at it. Azula nodded instead.
"Is there anything I can do?" Katara asked. The gentle character of her voice sending tremors through Azula's system.
The unfortunate knee jerk response was to run away. To hoist herself up onto the ostrich horse alongside this beautiful woman, and ride into the distance. To never return to her home for what need of it did she have when she knew Katara would take her back to the South Pole if Azula asked. It was minorly frustrating to know that it was herself who had put her through the long drawn out torture of this journey. That it has always been her idea, and her driving them forward. That at any given moment Katara would've happily gone home. Yet Azula had continued forward, she almost feared Katara would think less of her if they ran now. Azula thought she would certainly think less of herself.
"Just," Azula started, struggling to find the words to ask for something so simple, "Stay near me unless I say otherwise."
Her golden eyes naturally drew to the ground in shame. Her cheeks burning at the implication that she had made that she was somehow scared to be alone. It felt weak. Like a babe crying for it's mother after a nightmare. Katara's thumb brushed over her cheekbone more firmly, "Okay."
A simple one word response, but it lightened some of the weight in Azula's chest. She glanced back up at the water bender. Her blue eyes round and honest, as if she was trying to take in every detail of Azula's face. Behind them the guards began to shuffle. Her ears picked up the sounds of footsteps and chatter on the other side of the gate. There was nothing but can't few moments between this moment and it no longer being just the two of them. As soon as the gates swung open a part of Azula knew that something would change fundamentally. She would cease being Azula while they were in the palace, and be instead part princess once more.
Katara's head naturally began to turn towards the sounds at the gates. Before she could lean out of Azula's space, something came over the fire bender. She found her reaching out a hand, threading her fingers into the hairs at the base of Katara's neck. Katara's mouth opened slightly in shock, but it was not enough to deter Azula from dragging the water bender down into her lips. The kiss was rushed and perhaps a touch too hard as she surged onto her toes to meet Katara. Azula managed to rend herself from the other girl just as the gates began to squeak open, hurriedly whispering, "It's us, right? I have you?"
It was a sloppily asked question. She could tell by the slight furrow of Katara's brow, but still Azula felt so transparently exposed. Like with this kiss she had flayed her skin before the other girl and was allowing her to make harp strings of her sinew that would play music only for her. Still even with the touch of confusion, Katara nodded, "You have me."
"You're here," came an all too familiar voice as Katara say up properly on Kenji's back. Her lips spreading into a smile that Azula ripped her eyes away from.
She stepped around the ostrich horse until her brother and Mai came into view. Her eyes searching behind them for a moment and not finding another body within sight. The tension immediately melted from her shoulders as she stepped towards them. Her voice less stilted as she bowed to the Fire Lord, "Unfortunately so, brother, I'm afraid I have come to darken your doorstep."
Zuko bowed in return before waving up at Katara, "Welcome, we're happy to have you here, we've had rooms prepared for you both."
Azula narrowed her eyes slightly, "How did you know when we were coming, my original letter was not particularly accurate in its estimation."
Zuko shrugged with a twinkle of mirth in his eyes, "Perhaps I outsmarted you."
Azula was already halfway through a snort of disbelief when Mai coolly interjected, "Your uncle wrote ahead, as did Ty Lee. We also received a letter from the Earth King, something about a sighting of you in Ba Sing Se? Seems you've lost your sense of subterfuge, Azula."
Azula was already opening her mouth to fire back when Katara slid down Kenji's back with a chuckle, "It's been a long journey."
Zuko clapped his hands together before Azula could fire off whatever petty insult was boiling on her tongue. His eyes landing on Katara and the ostrich horse next to her, "I can see you've found quite a beautiful mount along the way. What's his name?"
The Fire Lord stepped forward reaching out his hand to pet Kenji. Katara sputtered suddenly speaking too fast to get the words out properly as Azula watched her brother make a mistake. As Zuko's hand came towards him, Kenji immediately fluffed up his wings. Making his already barrelled chest even wider, and his his head shout out towards Zuko's sternum. The flat of the ostrich horse's brow connecting solidly and cause the young man to cough and stumble back. The guards immediately dropped into defensive stances ready to strike at the beast. Still struggling to catch his breath, Zuko held up his hand to hold off their attacks.
Katara rushed forward to check him for any signs of serious injury. Azula didn't try very hard to hide the smirk from her voice, "Kenji, he doesn't particularly like men."
Mai approach in her floating sort of way that she moved with her long rich robes. Kenji made no sudden move towards her as her fingers seeped between the feathers at the top of his head. Zuko was still coughing as his girlfriend drawled, "Charming. Good instincts, some would say."
"I think so, certainly, I think I confused him at first, but lately we're on more agreeable terms," Azula watched her brother slowly standing and quietly reassuring Katara that he was in fact alright.
Mai raised an eyebrow at her, "Or perhaps he simply sensed your ornately pompous nature."
"I missed the drone of your voice, Mai, it's like sticking my head into a hornets nest."
The other girl smirked quietly to herself as she recentered her attention on petting the underside of Kenji's head.
Azula turned towards her brother and Katara. Zuko cleared his throat, an embarrassed blush to his face as he rubbed absentmindedly at his chest, "I certainly won't make that mistake again."
"I would be worried for the state of our country if you did," Azula took a couple steps closer to him, hoping to lower their voices so the guards wouldn't hear their conversation.
Zuko seemed eager to leave behind the memory of getting headbutted, his smile returning just as friendly as before. He wrinkled his nose slightly as he spoke, "The good news is that you're right in time for dinner, we'll stable this fine creature and head right too the banquet hall. Nothing special for your arrival, however, I'm sure the bath and full meal is much desired."
Azula caught Katara glancing at her out of the corner of her eye. As if the water bender knew what Azula was going to say before the words left her mouth. She leaned towards her brother and whispered, "Will she be there?"
Azula watched Zuko's adam's apple bob as their eyes met steadily. It must've only been a few seconds of hesitation, but eventually he replied in a similar hushed tone, "Do you want her to be?"
Azula huffed at the non-answer. Zuko did spend a frustrating amount of time around their uncle, it should've been expected. Azula reached to grab Kenji's reigns only because the grip would hide the shake of her hands. Her eyes caught Katara's once more, and Azula only just made out the small nod of encouragement the water bender gave.
"Far be it for me to kick a woman out of her own dining room," Azula drawled as she began to lead Kenji through the gates.
It feels wrong. Comfortably wrong. Each flickering torch that lines the palace walls fills her blood with the phantom thrum of war drums. Even flanked by her companions, Azula finds herself struggling to stay anchored in her own sense of reality. Her fingers twitch to brush against the walls. To know they are real and to feel the texture under her skin. To remember that she knows what the walls feel like here.
As they walk the halls, her eyes are searching for cracks and chips in the paint that she remembers. Some are there and some have been erased with time. No matter the case, she is haunted by both the endurance and absence of her home. The colors were the same, and outside of a few small renovations she had caught sight of at a distance. The house remained unchanged.
Not even a new Fire Lord could erase the bones of such a building. The blood and fat of their family linage lived in the marrow of this place. Azula found herself looking at her brother's profile from the corner of her eye. With his royal hair piece and politician's posture, he cut a figure that she has never thought him capable of in their youth. His chin perched with a slightly upwards tilt, a trait taught to them both. They may as well have been birthed from the timber beneath their feet. Axed and carved into shape as they were in their youth.
They were approaching the dining room. Getting closer. That was the nature of moving forward wasn't it. Her mind felt so fluid in these halls as if she was just drifting along the currents of the late afternoon air. She had almost lost track of their destination. Azula found herself now trying to catch oxygen between her fingers. Fight with her heart to keep it's steady beat. Demanding of her lungs to expand and release in rhythm.
Or perhaps pleading them both to stop all together as those doors came within view. To end, quickly and quietly, without the knowledge of her mother's face as a wrinkled and aging woman. Azula thought it might be nice to die with the image of her mother when she was young. It would be easier to swallow Ursa's absence if she could believe her own mother flawed and rash with the blooming buds of springtime youth corralled too soon. Yes, it would be nice to remember her mother through the eyes of a ten year old girl.
Because it would be too easy to hate her as a woman. To fully realize her as a person with enough life inside her to know better. To know that Azula would never forgive her for leaving, but choosing to anyways. How could Azula try now to love a woman who like her father, saw her only as an extension of Ozai. The woman who taught her to hear monster echoed when she spoke her father's name. The woman who like Iroh thought she wasn't worth saving. Who if given the choice between her and Zuko would've chosen Zuko every time. For what good is a daughter in the shadow of a golden son?
And now she was here on the other side of those looming doors. Azula, now the one to be put through the humiliation of crawling back home as if she was the one who wanted to leave.
She didn't even have the decency to die, so her daughter could hate her properly. Not the decency to say goodbye, so Azula could try to love her.
A warm hand slipped into her followed by an urgent whisper, "Azula."
Azula blinked, her field of view opening up once more. Katara's face coming into focus as she cupped Azula's hands in her own. The water bender's brow furrowed so thoroughly that a line formed between her brows. Azula felt her throat and tongue dry in her mouth, unable to question why they had stopped walking.
Looking to her brother and Mai, both visibly concerned, answered some of her questions. Zuko was physically tense, his feet set in such a way that gave away his preparedness to attack. She could not say she was unsurprised by his distrustful nature, but she hadn't been doing anything particularly violent. It was then that her eye caught one of the torches behind Mai's head. The flame flickering at an almost dangerous height, and a vibrant shade of blue. Her eyes traced down the hall they had come from now bathed in a dull blue-white light.
Azula sighed, her shoulders sinking as she purposely tried to disconnect herself from the nearby flames. She muttered, "You can relax, Zuzu."
Zuko seemed surprised at himself. As if he had not meant to steel himself for a fight, he shook out his limbs subtly as he stood straight once more. He made no closer move to Azula. Clearing his throat awkwardly, he said, "Perhaps this isn't the best idea, it's been a long journey. We can have dinner brought to your rooms."
Azula grit her teeth, glaring at her hands still interconnected with Katara's, "I'm not going to kill anyone. I'm not an animal."
"That's not what I'm saying, but the time isn't right," Zuko insisted, his eyes darting between Mai and Katara for back up.
Mai simply sighed to herself as she watched on. Katara's head ducked down to properly meet Azula's gaze. Her blue eyes questioning her without the need to say a word.
"Do you think me so beastly as well?" Azula grumbled.
"You know I don't," Katara said, firm and quiet, "What do you want?"
It didn't escape Azula's attention that Mai quirked an eyebrow at the way they were interacting. Still she focused her attention on the girl in front of her, as she admitted, "If I don't talk to her now, I won't ever."
Katara held her gaze before nodding once, she turned to Zuko and shrugged. The Fire Lord looked at his sister nervously, "You're sure?"
"Yes, now can we do this before I burn myself alive," Azula replied.
Zuko took Mai's arm as he swallowed his nerves, "Wait outside, we'll get you both in a moment."
Mai reached out a hand to glide it across Azula's shoulder as she passed. The other girl's best attempt at fleeting comfort as they walked ahead. Zuko and Mai slipped through the doors to the banquet room, quickly shutting them behind themselves.
Katara and Azula stood alone in the hall for the moment.
Katara turned to her mouth opening to speak, but before she could get the words out Azula was leaning down to kiss her. Not unlike when Azula had stolen a kiss at the gates. This one was not as harsh and bruising, much of a more gentle caress of her lips. Katara froze for a moment before kissing back, their lips falling into a slow albeit short-lived dance. When they pulled away, the water bender blinked up at her. Katara said, "You know, you can't just interrupt me with a kiss all the time. It's gonna get old fast."
"Didn't realize my affection was so tiresome," Azula rolled her eyes.
Katara flicked her in the shoulder, "Not what I meant. What's on your mind?"
"Maybe I just wanted to kiss you?"
"I believe you, but we haven't been particularly affectionate the last week so it seems like pretty suspicious timing," Katara crossed her arms as she leaned against the wall behind her.
Perhaps it did seem a touch out of character for Azula to initiate suddenly after over a week of... quiet. It occured to her that she had promised Katara a talk about their relationship before they had even reached Xia's farm. Not to mention how they had hardly acknowledged how coldly Azula had treated the other girl at the farm. She bowed her head, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I- having you- your touch brings me comfort."
There was a small chuckle, and Katara's hand came up to lightly grip the fabric of Azula's sleeve, "You know there was a time not long ago I would've never heard you apologize twice in one day."
"I owe you a few more probably," Azula lifted her head to meet those terribly blue eyes.
Katara seemed to be studying her face, the ghost of a smile hidden beneath obvious concern. "Don't worry about that right now."
"I owe you a conversation."
"We'll talk later," Katara insisted, "I'm not in a rush, and you have bigger things going on right now."
"There is nothing of greater significance to me than you, Katara," Azula whispered.
The smile the water bender had hidden came out in full force alongside a vibrant blush. Katara shook her head, "I'm voluntarily taking the demotion, come on, are we really not talking about the elephant in the room?"
"My mother is a rather small woman actually, hardly an elephant."
Katara tugged on her sleeve a little harder, "You're being obtuse."
Azula sighed and averted her eyes once more, "What do you want me to say?"
"Let's start with how are you feeling?"
Azula glanced towards the door, almost expecting it to open at that very second, but it remained still. She as surprised there were no guards trailing them. A mark of Zuko's trust, or perhaps just the lack of capable security that aided her escape years ago. Azula lowered her voice, if only out of some paranoid notion of potential eavesdropping, "My skin itches here. The house is too similar, it's like I can still hear my father's shoes scrape the wood when Zuko walks next to me. I'm finding it hard to keep a clear and open mind when this place is so entrenched in my insanity."
Part of Azula braced for Katara to pull away. To be off put by Azula's honesty. Instead the other girl held onto her tighter as she matched Azula's soft tone, "I'm right here if things get overwhelming, we can always leave, they can't make us stay."
Azula nodded with a weak smirk, before at an almost inaudible level she continued, "I don't know how to not hate her."
Katara's eyes widened minutely. She swallowed and even without saying it Azula could see the other girl rapidly searching for an answer. It was one of the things Azula loved about her, Katara wanted to help, to always have an answer for those that hurt around her. Azula watched the water bender come up short as she struggled for something to say. Azula didn't expect an answer, how could Katara give one?
A knock sounded on the door.
Azula was incredibly aware of every single person in the room.
Katara had made a point to enter the room first. Allowing Azula a few precious seconds to steady her breath before she walked forth into the emotional gauntlet she was sure to face. Her brother holding the door open for them both with a hesitant smile.
Stepping into the grand room sent an eerie chill down her spine. It was hard to not associate this room in particular with her father. Where she had shared her meals alone with him for those three years between Zuko's banishment and her first official mission. The table had not even been moved. Her eyes naturally drifted to it's head, the seat empty, and it took her brain a second to realize that it was where Zuko say now. She glanced back at him from the corner of her eye. Part of her was unsure how he could even stand it. That it may have once been her dream, but now would've killed her to have to live within the lines of their father's footsteps.
Mai was sat to the left of Zuko's seat. The slender girl's back to her currently. Others may have taken it as offense, but the last thing Azula wanted was another pair of gawking eyes. Though perhaps the wine glass dangling between Mai's fingers insinuated an unaffected attitude, Azula could make out the unnaturally straight line of her posture. As if the girl was poised to stand at a moment's notice if necessary.
There was the shuffle of robes and feet on the wooden floors, and Azula finally allowed her eyes to drag across the table. She took two steps forward, stopping just ahead of Katara.
To what would beat the table Zuko's right, stood Ursa. There was a sort of breathlessness that hit Azula in the chest. As if a fire had lit at the bottom of her lungs and burned all the oxygen away. As if she attempted to clear her throat all that would come out was smoke.
Her face and body was rounded with age. Azula didn't remember much of her mother when she was younger, the image had become distorted with time. However, she had always remembered Ursa as being that same sort of elegantly thin beauty that Mai was. Sharp features and thin wrists had always been a sort of standard for womanly figures in the Fire Nation Court. But her mother looked soft in her age.
Azula had often been compared to her mother by the other women of court, but always failed to see the resemblance. Beyond their eyes, Azula had always thought she looked more like Ozai. Perhaps that's what she had wanted to believe when she was a girl. Still now there was certainly a certain cognitive dissonance when Azula tried to imagine what Ursa saw in that moment when their eyes met across the room. It was most likely a disappointing image for her mother. Azula with her roughened and scarred hands, hair shorn short, bones jutting with a lean layer of muscle, and more than likely covered in a sheen of dust from the journey. If Ursa was hoping for a daughter, Azula was unsure if she met the requirements the other woman used to hold.
There was a tiny gasp.
Azula's eyes broke away from her mother quickly just as Ursa's features tightened with a slight grimace. Climbing out from underneath the table, surfacing in the seat next to Ursa, was a little girl staring at her with the widest golden eyes Azula had ever seen. She almost cursed herself aloud for being so unobservant that she had missed not only the little girl, but the man who was sitting down the table near Ursa as well. He was older, around her mother's age, undoubtedly of Fire Nation descent. The tan of his skin indicating that he was perhaps from one of the many islands located along their coast. Azula studied his face carefully, committing it to memory as his hand reached out to pull the little girl into his side. His eyes cautiously flickering up to Ursa as he whispered something into the girl's ear.
She could've been no more than eight, and she was every inch Ursa's. Actually bearing quiet a striking resemblance to Zuko if you removed all the parts of him that reminded Azula of Ozai. Perhaps her face was a little rounder, though it could only be a mark of her age, but Azula thought the girl's jaw cut a little squarer. In such a fashion that resembled the man who held her. Her eyes were a touch more brown, not as markedly unnatural in their shade as Zuko and Azula's were. Her hair not nearly as dark as the onyx locks that ran in the royal family.
It wasn't a very far leap of logic. Ursa seemed to realize it. As Azula dragged her eyes back up to her mother's, she could see the woman bracing herself. Her hand extended slightly towards the young girl. Not enough for most people to notice, but certainly enough for Azula to note the protective stance. She watched her mother's throat bob slightly as Ursa swallowed nervously.
Azula felt more than heard Zuko walks forwards. Not so subtly putting himself slightly between the two of them. He reached out his hand as if to put it on her shoulder, but didn't dare make any real contact. The Fire Lord turned his head to smile at the room the best he could, "Azula has come to visit for sometime along with Master Katara of the Water Tribe."
His tone sounded so forced and overly formula that at any other given time Azula would've rolled her eyes. Zuko's own nervousness rolled off his skin in violent waves that only added to the hurricane of tension in the room. The silence that followed after his announcement seemed suffocating twofold as if it was punishing them all for the sin of acknowledgement. It stretched into a small eternity that nearly descended a crown of madness once more onto Azula's mind.
"Hi," echoed through the chamber accompanied by the wave of an enthusiastic chubby hand.
Azula looked back down at the little girl, who's father looked slightly panicked that his daughter had spoken so aggressively out of turn. Azula couldn't decide how to feel about the girl yet. However, the ghost of a smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth as the young child smiled back at her with the youthful glow of naivety. A child's social faux pas was enough to break the silence.
"We would be honored for you to dine with us, Azula," Ursa spoke gently, but the sound of her mother saying her name sent a shock of lightning through her nervous system.
"I didn't realize my invitation was still up in the air," Azula replied, her words coming out with more bite than she had meant. The edge of them cutting across the air. Zuko shot her a look of warning that only raised her hackles further.
Ursa deflated slightly, but seemed resolute in her desire to continue forward, "I only mean to be polite."
Azula sniffed slightly, glancing back at Katara for a moment. The water bender raised an eyebrow in question. As if silently trying to ask if they were stay, Azula nodded almost imperceptibly before taking her first steps towards the table since she had entered the room. Zuko moved with her immediately making his way for his spot at the head of the table. Katara following closely behind as Azula approached the seat next to Mai.
As she pulled out her chair, Azula jutted her chin at the girl, "Who's this?"
Her mother sat, though she certainly looked different, Ursa still moved and spoke with that royal sort of grace. It was another commonality that Azula could find with her. Less so because of familial relation, but more because the etiquette teacher Ursa had been assigned when she was first betrothed to Ozai was the same one that had taught Azula as a girl. Naturally it led to some similarities in their habit, or at least that's what Azula had told herself growing up.
Ursa glanced over at the young girl. Her hand coming up to pet the child's hair, smoothing away a few strays. It was an inherently protective motion, and Azula found it hard to not be slightly angered by the implication of it. Ursa met her eyes again, "This is my daughter, Kiyi, and this is Ikem, my husband."
The older man with the goatee and ponytail, Ikem, bowed his head respectfully, "It's an honor to finally meet you."
"I'm sure you've heard great things," Azula drawled.
Ikem gave an awkward little chuckle, but his half-grin didn't seem nearly as forced as everyone else's. He seemed to at least accept the situation for what it was.
Mai not so subtly, or perhaps not trying at all to be subtle, poured a generous serving of wine into Azula's glass. Katara squeezed her knee under the table, and Azula placed one of her hands over the water bender's trying to subtly thank her in return.
The little girl, Kiyi, leaned forward with her elbows on the table. Azula felt terribly like her mother for a moment as she quirked a brow at the girl's lack of table manners. Still Kiyi paid no mind to her judgement, hardly seemed to even clock it as she asked in quiet awe, "Are you my sister?"
Her eyes flicked briefly to Ursa who was taking a healthy drink from her wine glass. Azula noted the way her mother's free hand gripped the edge of the wooden table, her knuckles white under the pressure.
If she was quite honest with herself, Azula wasn't really sure how she had wanted this to go. She'd spent so long trying to figure out how she would simply respond to the mere sight of her mother that she hadn't really thought about what would come after. Hadn't thought about the conversations that needed to happen or be avoided. Hadn't imagined what kind of things her mother had done in the last decade or more, because if she was honest until this moment Azula had still doubted Ursa was even alive. She certainly had not mentally prepared herself for her mother to be remarried, to have a new sibling.
Azula felt as if her brain was bubbling and roiling like a tar pit everytime she looked at the girl. Unbidden and undeserved amounts of anger rising the the surface of her mind. How could she not be angry? It was not towards Kiyi, Azula couldn't bring herself to hate someone so blissfully unaware. If she felt anything towards her it was envy. Coursing and poisonous through her veins. Her every muscle thick with it, the blackness seeping between her tendons. Her brain slowed down as she worked extra hard to filter her thoughts before they came out of her mouth.
"I suppose I am," is eventually what came out of her mouth in response.
Kiyi grinned from ear to ear, practically vibrating in her seat, "I always wanted a sister, where have you been?"
Azula opened her mouth, but hesitated. It was in that moment of hesitation that Ursa rushed to answer, "Azula's been traveling the world for a number of years, dear."
Kiyi's eyes widened in awe while Azula cut harshly across to her mother, "You make it sound so fanciful, mother."
"Is it not true in some measure?" Ursa replied, clearly interested in a change in subject.
"You have seen much of the Earth Kingdom," Zuko piped up. She could hear his desperate desire to keep the conversation simple in his tone.
Azula rolled her eyes without shame, "I simply would not call that traveling the world."
"Then what would you say, Azula?" Ursa looked at her, her eyes a little firmer, as if she thought Azula would hesitate to lay her sins bare on the table when the food had not even arrived yet from the kitchens.
Azula quirked an unimpressed eyebrow at her mother. She shifted her gaze over to Kiyi who was looking more curious by the second, and in the background she heard Zuko beginning to speak, but it was too late. Without breaking eye contact with her sister, Azula drawled, "I'm a fugitive, do you know what that word means?"
Kiyi's eyes widened to the size of saucers as she nodded vigorously. Azula looked up at Ursa who's lips thinned as they were pressed tightly together. Azula allowed herself a small triumphant grin.
Zuko laughed far too loudly to be appropriate or natural, "So Kata-"
"What are you wanted for?" Kiyi seemed to snap out of her stupor and her words exploded forth.
"Kiyi," Ursa hissed. Azula watched the tensing of her mother's fingers on the table, her nails digging into the wood grain. She reveled in her mother's disquiet, it was sweet on her tongue like an apple of Eden she had long desired.
Azula leaned forward eagerly, "I conquered Ba Sing Se, and I killed-"
"She doesn't need to hear that," Ursa snapped, taking a shaky breath and readjusting her robes, "It's far from polite dinner conversation."
"Apologies, my manners escape me," Azula glared through her eyelashes, "It's only the truth, though I suppose it's every mother's right to lie to her daughter when she sees fit."
Mai stomped on Azula's foot at the same time Katara squeezed her knee gently. She had to bite her tongue inside her mouth to keep from making a noise as she retreated back to sitting properly in her seat. Azula did take a moment to shoot a glare at Mai who only sipped her glass bored as she examined her nails.
The service doors swing open, and servants flooded forth with platters of food that smelled so terribly of home that Azula wasn't sure she'd be able to eat. Though one thing was for certain as their meals were deposited was that no one was eager to strike up a new conversation. Even young Kiyi seemed thoroughly dissuaded from asking further questions as Ikem ruffled her hair slightly with a tight grin.
The dinner was long and quiet. The only noises made by the scape of their utensils against the ceramic plates. The food warming their bellies, but the draft of the palace swept cold across their backs. Azula tried to keep her eyes anchored on her plate. It was all she could do not to stare at Ursa across from her. So close, and yet separated by no less than the millions of miles they had always failed to reach across.
Though she gave it her best effort, Azula could hardly bring herself to eat. Instead choosing to favor the wine glass that Mai pointedly kept full without being asked. Her throat felt tight with a panic akin to that of child trying to catch a pet that had accidentally fled it's cage. It was a youthful sort of dread. The fear of a mother's disapproval, it was the goosebumps she had been deprived as a child never knowing that her mother was going to leave. Azula had only ever been allowed the hollow cold of knowing she was already gone.
But Ursa was here now, and there were more words roiling in her chest than Azula could fit in her throat. Unsure of what to say, but feeling that desperate stumbling sprint of trying to catch something that is supposed to love you. Even if it's desire to run seems far greater than any affection it once held. It was idiotic, but Azula couldn't escape the feeling. She could feel her chance to speak candidly to her mother slipping through her fingers as the servants came to collect the plates off the table. She had hardly even eaten, but it had long since gone cold.
There was a hesitation to the room for a moment. As if they were all waiting for permission for this meal to end. After the rough clearing of his throat, Zuko's chair scraped against the wood as he stood, "It has been a long night, you must be tired, Katara, I can show you both to your rooms."
Azula felt a warm hand squeeze her forearm as Katana replied, "That'd be lovely."
Despite being next to the girl, Azula felt as if her head was underwater like she was drowning in the noise of the room. Her vision tunneling into a single focus point of an old nick in the surface of the table. And accident caused when Azula had been playing with one of Mai's knives as a young girl.
She heard Ikem speak, "It is late, it's about time for Kiyi to prepare for bed."
More chairs began to scrape against the floor, but Azula was unable to move. Her bones shaking with the thought of losing this chance. Her words to Katara had never felt more true, if she stood by now, she would likely never speak to Ursa again. Not of her own free will at least. Azula caught sight of her fingers gripping the edge of the table, knuckles white, the shared habit was not lost on her.
When she finally commanded her head to lift, Azula could see Ursa staring back at her still seated. Waiting for her daughter's gaze to land on her, it seemed. There was no patient smile, or playful crinkle of her nose. Those kind of expressions had always been reserved for Zuko. With age, Azula could now decipher this look that her mother had always saved for her. A quiet and longing question played impassively across her features. As if the lines along Ursa's face sighed and whispered what will you do now? A pleading sort of curiosity that led to an intense study of her face. Ursa's eyes seemed trail along every inch of her skin, searching, questioning, asking of Azula to make herself known.
"I would like to speak to my mother alone," the words were almost gritted out. The way Azula rended them from the lining of her throat. It was a violent sort of wish to speak them at all.
She could see Zuko and Ikem both stiffen in her periphery. Azula couldn't bring herself to look away from Ursa. Could hardly bring herself to blink. Like her mother was an illusion that would disappear the second she looked away.
"I don't-"
"It's alright," Ursa interrupted her son. With a delicately raised hand, and a gentle look sent his way, "I wish for the same, we have missed much time my daughter and I."
Ursa turned to Ikem with a similarly reassuring smile. Azula had certainly never seen her look at Ozai with such gentleness. The man leaned down to whisper in her ear, and she replied just as softly before kissing his cheek. Kiyi looked up at her mother with wide eyes, "Will you still come to tuck me in?"
Azula nearly bit the tip of her tongue off. The vague taste of iron in her mouth was not missed, but the damage was certainly minor. She sucked the blood off her teeth as Ursa glanced up at her before turning back to Kiyi. Her mother tucked the young girl's hair behind her ear, "Of course, I will."
Katara stood next to her, and briefly the spell was broken as Azula's gaze was caught once more by the water bender. She tugged lightly on Azula's sleeve as the others all slowly began to make their way towards the doors of the banquet hall. She beckoned Azula to follow her slightly behind everyone else, only stopping at the threshold of the room. Mai had already exited along with Ikem and Kiyi. Zuko stood holding the door aloft, his eyes darting with obvious apprehension.
There was no corner of privacy for them. No place for Azula to bury her face into the crook of Katara's neck where her weakness was hidden from the world. No caress could be dragged across her cheeks without an audience. No words left unheard here in these echoing halls. Azula would not have felt any shame had Katara laid a kiss upon her brow in front of all. However, now was not the time nor place, and they had not even dared to speak about telling other people about whatever was going on between them. Despite that all, Azula would've painted the streets red with her bleeding heart when Katara looked at her now. Would carve the water bender's name into the flesh of it if only she would know it was her the vessel beat for.
Her eyes were trusting, unmistakably so, as she whispered to Azula, "Find me after? If you want."
Not a touch of fear or worry. Azula couldn't have asked for more from a saint. It was Azula who grasped Katara's hands between her own. Bringing the other girl's slender hand to her forehead briefly. Clutching right, and hoping it was enough. Hoping that in that moment Katara could hear what she meant. That when the night ends and the world ceased it would be the stone of her alter Azula found herself laid beneath.
She nodded to Katara as she released her hands, and the other girl smiled patiently at her. Azula met Zuko's eyes as she watched Katara walk through the doors. In opposition, he looked scared, but somehow more afraid to say anything. Part of her immediately suspected that even once the door closed he would remain on the other side of it. A watchful sentinel for the woman who had loved him when their father had not. It would make no difference if he stayed, but she hoped he trusted her enough to not interfere.
Zuko visibly swallowed, and slowly began to shut the door behind him. His body disappearing from view as the large oak doors clicked with a heavy thump. The feeling of eyes prickling on her back was unmistakable, but it took her a moment to gather herself. To turn away from the door to meet those eyes so like her own.
Ursa had not moved from her seat. Her chin held high. If there was any fear of attack, she seemed ready to face it regally. As if her posture would matter if death came for her. Azula couldn't bring herself to approach. Being near the door was a comfort, she could imagine Katara within reach even if she knew it to be untrue. So she stood, and stared, and stared, and stared. Her shoulders hunching like an animal pushed into a corner, but it was of her own makings she found herself trapped here.
"She's cute," is eventually what bubbled out of Azula's throat. The bitterness in her tone hung heavy in the air, "You must be quite happy to have a girl of such close resemblance to yourself."
Part of Azula liked that she could tell her mother was uncomfortable with them discussing Kiyi. Still Ursa tightened her stubborn jaw, "You know I never cared about that."
The chuckle that left her throat was raw as Azula began to wander her way towards the far end of the table. Keeping as much distance between them, but fearing eavesdroppers near the doors. She replied, "Did I know, mother? Perhaps my memory fails me, I was only a girl after all."
Ursa sighed, "I have no patience for your games, Azula, you are grown, speak freely."
Azula had to redirect her glare to the walls in hope of remaining calm. Funneling her hatred into the place that raised her, because it was hardly the woman in front of her responsible.
"Am I? Am I truly grown?" Azula was horrified to hear her own voice crack, "What would you know of it? You left before I hit puberty. Not a goodbye spared for me."
Ursa visibly tensed, her brows pinching in such a way that felt familiar, "I never meant to leave you both like that. Your father, he said that if I did not leave I would be charged with high treason for aiding him in your grandfather's death. I- I only provided Ozai the poison, because he was going to kill my son. Azula, you must understand, I wanted to leave, but Ozai left me no choice. I would've been executed on his word if I had stayed."
Azula's head swirled with the new influx of information. Part of herself cursing internally for not asking Zuko for more information about her mother's disappearance. Cursing Zuko just as much for not having the foresight to tell her in advance as well. Seconds stretched out as Azula tried to digest the what she knew now alongside what she remembered of that day.
Ursa continued softly, "You were the reason I was able to save him. Such a clever and curious girl. Whispering under your brother's door knowledge I myself knew not of."
Azula tried to hide the way her breath hitched. Her mother's words were honey dripping down her skin. Sweet and smelling of all things loved by nature, it was foreign and Azula felt her flesh rage against it. Her glare cutting back to her mother, "You are wrong. You did not leave both of us like that. I was the one left without warning. Not poor little Zuzu, so defenseless in his boyhood. And what was I? Your lips speaks of a savior, but in my girlhood I know you damned me as a demon."
"I am sorry," Ursa forced a breath through her nostrils, "I should've said a proper goodbye, but things were not exactly planned. I'm sorry they did not turn out to your liking."
"My liking?" Azula scoffed, "You think me so shallow that I am angry because it did not go to my liking? You left, do not expect reward for it."
Ursa stood leaning on the edge of the table as she met her daughter's hard gaze, "What would you have me do? Would you have preferred if I stayed? To watch your mother hang from the willow tree?"
Azula rolled her eyes, "Don't be so damned dramatic. I will not be guilted into forgiveness."
"Then what would you have me apologize for, Azula?" Ursa's desperation and frustration cracking into the surface of her tone, "I would've left you either way, in the one I choose remained the ability to return to you both one day."
"That is exactly the source of my ire, mother, you keep saying both," Azula hit her fist against the wood of the table, and it was not subtle the way Ursa flinched, "You would've never returned for me. If I had remained on the throne, and father died. You would've never slithered your way back into these walls."
Ursa rubbed at her chest absentmindedly, seemingly swallowing the nerve that had come up her throat like bile. She hesitated before continuing, "Whatever jealousy you feel towards your brother is understand-"
Azula cackled cruelly in disbelief of her mother's words, "You think this as simple as jealousy?"
"Life has been hard for you both-"
"Both. You speak like a parrot, both, both, both."
Ursa snapped, "It is not my fault, you did not learn. That you did not see the evil your father was capable of."
The stilted and breathy laughter that rattled out of her throat seemed to echo in the sudden quiet. Azula almost stormed out of the room in that moment feeling a stone of emotion fighting it's way up her throat. She choked around it, and the walls seemed closer than they had a moment prior.
"You know nothing of me," Azula growled, "I am grown you say. Yes, behold me, mother, for I am part girl part creature. I have stalked through the blood of my adolescence like a predator with it's fangs ripped from the gum. This is the beast you have grown."
She jabbed her finger at her mother before her hand swept across the table knocking a vase to the ground in her anger, "You wound me with such a simple word as jealousy. I am primordial in my envy. It stretches from coastline to coastline of this homeland that i loathe. I am drowning in it. How could I not be? Zuko is on the throne, and you come home with a fresh babe. Because you needed a do-over? Couldn't get it right the first time. Her cheeks fat with health, and surely has never known the weight of her mother's hatred."
"I did not hate you, Azula."
"No, but you feared me," Azula rushed to correct her mother like a madwoman, "And what is the difference when I remind you of the man you hated so fiercely? Did Zuko tell you what I did to him? Did you see his body? Do you know of the ghastly things my hands are capable of? Your absence was only ever confirmation of what I already knew even as a girl. To you, I will always be the monster you saw in my father."
Ursa narrowed her eyes, and where Azula thought she might retreat her mother instead stepped closer. Her voice demanding, "And what was I to do? You loved your father. Was it to be my burden to watch you idolize him? Tell me, Azula, with your sharp and spiteful tongue, how do you tell a girl her father does not love her? Would you have believed me? You wanted to be like him. Zuko came to me, he wanted me to soothe his wounds. You wanted nothing of me from the moment your father realized you were more suited as weapon rather than woman. How do you tell a girl, not even touched by the first blood of womanhood. That had she been a touch less talented, a touch less hungry, a touch less cruel. A touch less like Ozai was himself, that you would've been little more than womb or witch to your father."
"Your hypotheticals mean nothing to me," Azula felt her face warm with anger, only just realizing that they were properly yelling now, "True they may be, they are still detached from what truly happened. The facts are this, you left with no intention of ever returning to me. Zuko was banished, and took Uncle with him. Lu Ten was dead. Ty Lee and Mai moved away. I was alone with him. Everyone left and I was alone. How was I supposed to separate myself from him? I had nothing. You ask me of burdens, but was it mine to seek my mother's affection? Was it mine to learn kindness that had not been shown to me?"
Azula felt her throat tighten, her voice coming more hoarse as it struggle to reach the open air between them, "I was, but a girl. I am not grown. I am a puppet of a child with the bones of a woman. I cannot embrace another without the instinctual desire to burn my skin clean. I gnash my teeth at the implication of gentleness. I- I cry so fiercely I cannot breathe. I cannot blame you for leaving, but you could've loved me before you did. I would've settled for less than Zuko was allowed, if only I knew it to be true and well meant."
The chamber bled a hefty silence into the air. The distance between them may as well have been miles. Their eyes locked in an unending stare. Ursa's mouth had dropped slightly open as if she had meant to speak, but lost the ability to.
Drip.
Azula looked down jerkily. Her eyes instantly finding a small droplet of water that had landed between her feet. Confusion settled into her brow as her hand came up to wipe across her cheeks. The moisture collected in her palm, though she had not noticed it beginning to fall. She sniffed slightly trying to steady the inevitable shake of her voice.
"You are allowed to have saved yourself, mother, but I don't know how I can be expected to have done the same. I cannot flee him, I have his face."
Azula wondered if this was what it would always be. Silence lined with the entrails of girlhood. A small eternity between them, two roads diverging at a point long ago. Azula swallowed, and for once wished to be small. To be easily held within her mother's arms. Perhaps only in her innocence would Ursa trust Azula to not bleed her dry. In the same way that every predator is defenseless once. At least until they are grown.
Though Azula did not look up she heard the quiet sniffling of the other woman. The shuffling of hesitant feet before Ursa whispered, "I'm sorry, I love you."
Azula wanted to believe it, but the blood fresh on her tongue tasted of iron truth, and she could not swallow her mother's words alongside it. Her voice trembled, "You still fear me, and flinch as if I share my father's hands as well. Both cannot be true."
Out of the corner of her eye, Azula watched her mother sag with defeat. Ursa stated almost to herself more than Azula, "I will not convince you otherwise tonight."
It was almost rhetorical, but still Azula replied, "Your daughter waits for you."
"Yes, longer than even I have dared to imagine."
"You should go to her," Azula turned her back fully to her mother, unable to look at the woman any longer.
Ursa sighed quietly, "Perhaps one day she will forgive me for leading her restless into the long cold night."
The sound of footsteps retested softly towards the door. Azula could only just make out the click of the handle being turned before Ursa spoke once more, "You're welcome to spend time with her if you wish."
Surely given an extra moment, Azula would've fired something scathing and sarcastic at her mother. Still before her brain had fully processed the statement, the door had swung open and closed. The wooden heft of it echoing into the room.
Azula was alone.
She flipped the table, and once her breath was steady righted it once more. Took the time to clean her mess as an excuse to postpone her reentry into a reality that existed only outside this room.
Zuko was sitting on the floor of the hall when Azula finally made to exit the dining room. He smiled weak and sheepish up at her tear stained face. If he thought to comment on her reddened eyes, she appreciated that he seemed to think better of it.
Azula curled her lip down at him, "Eavesdrop, much?"
"Put my fingers in my ears when the yelling started, promise," he chuckled nervously.
"What do you want?"
He pushed himself to his feet and dusted off his robes. He seemed to have stayed here since leaving the room initially as he wore the same garments at dinner. Zuko met her gaze again, "I need to show you to your room."
Azula had to stop herself from groaning, "I know where my bedroom is, Zuzu."
"I thought perhaps you would enjoy a change of scenery," Zuko scratched at the back of his neck, "I had a different room prepared for you just in case."
Azula bit her bottom lip. The intention was sweet if not slightly irritating that he had assumed she would be unwell staying in her old bedroom. Perhaps he was right and the familiar bed would stir something inside her, but she didn't want him to assume that.
She had been about to agree regardless when Zuko continued, "There is also something I wish to speak to you about."
Azula waved her hand dismissively through the air, "I suppose it's fine, hate to waste someone's hard work, as pointless as your order may have been. Lead the way."
They walked side-by-side through the palace. In the back of her mind, Azula recognized that Zuko was leading her towards the western wing. A part of the palace usually reserved for guests and diplomats. The Royal Family typically resided on the eastern side as to be closer to the sunrise. Distantly she realized it was likely to keep her as far away from Ursa as possible. She couldn't begrudge him the precaution.
Azula could tell her brother was nervous. He racked his fingers together behind his back. Like he was trying to hide, but was too inside his own head to accomplish the task well. Still despite his reluctance to speak, Azula for once had no desire to drag it out of him. Every curious bone in her body broken under the weight of the day. She could barely even lift her feet. Everytime she looked down Azula expected to see heavy chains strung between her ankles.
So she did not beg him to speak, honestly would almost rather he remain in his silence. However, her night seemed not quite ready to end as their feet shuffled to a stop in front of a door. She glanced at him bored as her hand settled on the door's handle giving her brother one last chance to speak.
Zuko inhaled shakily, "I have a proposal for you."
Azula quirked an eyebrow, "Well that's terrible news I've promised my dowry to about seven different people to make up for my misdeeds."
Her brother rolled his eyes but the frustrated flush to his cheeks was unmistakable. He ran a hand through the black silk of his hair, "You know I don't mean it like that."
Azula leaned against her doorframe, and crossed her arms over her chest, "Out with it then."
Zuko glanced around the corridor. Maybe the fear of spies in every dark hall would live with them both until the day they died. He dropped his voice to a whisper, "In preparation to your arrival, I've had a number of meetings with the council."
"I'm sure they're ecstatic over my arrival."
"Not particularly," Zuko pressed on, "However, you are lucky they are all decrepit and rather stuck in their traditions."
"Lucky, am I?" Azula could hide the teasing lilt to her voice even as her brother's face communicated the utmost seriousness.
He huffed slightly, "Yes, extremely so if you just listen."
He glanced around once more before leaning closer to her, "They are willing to recognize your right to participate in the rule of the Fire Nation. As of a month ago, not long after I received your letter, there is an open seat on the council."
If Azula was the type she would've been rendered speechless. Her eyes dragging over every inch of Zuko's face, searching desperately for any signs of dishonesty. She breathed out, "You can't be serious."
Zuko smirked a little at her shock, "Quite, and they are willing to consider you if you provide some... reassurance during your stay here."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"They want proof your not crazy, or going to usurp me," Zuko's eyes were lighting up in a childlike way that she had not seen in such a long time, "Attend some council meetings, interact with our people, explain your experiments with Sokka. If you can prove you are of sound mind and temperament, they will welcome you back. It may not be the position you once dreamed of, but it is a foot in the door."
Azula felt her skin itch under his excited gaze unable to allow herself the sliver of hope, "Why would you do this for me? My- mother and I did not exactly make up in there, there is no guarantee I will bring nothing but further strife into this palace."
Zuko deflated slightly, his gaze softening as it crashed into her guarded posture, "I know you said you were not ready to come home the last time we spoke, perhaps I have misjudged the situation, but I thought maybe if I provided such an opportunity you could more seriously consider coming home."
"I need not for your pity."
"It's not pity, Azula, you still have to earn it, the council has to vote in order for you to be accepted into their ranks at all. I may only nominate you, and if you desire it I have done so."
"I ask once more, why?"
"Because you are my sister, and I know there is no other who would come close to equaling the effort you would give this country if you chose to be in it's service once more."
Azula looked away from him a frown tugging at the corners of her lips, "You are making assumptions based off actions from years ago. Actions I was condemned for, mind you."
"You were following father," Zuko argued, "We both know better now. It pains me to admit that you are a brilliant strategist and negotiator, but it makes it no less true."
"Your flattery is overdone."
Zuko chuckled at her words, and with a small shake of his head replied, "Think about it, if you decide you'd like to pursue it, I have a meeting tomorrow morning you may accompany me to."
"You're completely unbearable, you know that, brother?" Azula rolled her eyes, "Couldn't this had been sent ahead in a letter?"
Zuko shrugged, "You had already departed the South Pole when the position opened, and I only heard of your whereabouts after you had already left them."
"Still," Azula tried to rub the exhaustion at the corner of her eyes away, "It's a lot to think about."
Zuko hesitantly raised his hand to squeeze her shoulder, and Azula had to pride herself for only flinching a little. He didn't seem to notice, "Rest, and do not feel rushed, you can make your decision whenever. If you find your mind quickly made, you can find me in the gardens an hour after sunrise. We will present a united front."
"Do not wait for me, if I do not appear," Azula sighed.
His hand dropped from her, and Zuko took a step back. He hinged his hips at the waist in the smallest of bows before speaking, "Goodnight, I hope to see you in the morrow."
"Goodnight, Zuzu," Azula pinched the bridge of her nose and could not find the desire for formality within her to bow in return. It was only at the last moment before Zuko escaped her view that Azula remembered what she had wanted to ask him since she had found him outside the dining hall. With a harsh half-whisper, she asked, "Wait. Where is Katara staying?"
Zuko furrowed his brow for a moment in slight confusion. His hand extending to point at the door right across the hall from Azula's room, "I imagine she is already asleep by now."
Azula nodded stiffly, "Of course, thank you, brother."
She turned on her heel and let herself into her own bedroom. However, Azula did not move from her spot just in front of the doorway. She held her breath right in her chest listening carefully for the sound of receding footsteps echoing throughout out the halls. It was only five minutes after she had been no longer able to hear her brother's steps that Azula, after quickly changing, rushed from her own room to quietly knock on Katara's door. Part of her afraid of knocking too loudly in case the other girl was truly asleep. Azula felt the roiling ball of nervous in her stomach as she waited almost tempted to knock again in her anxiety.
Just as she was about to reach her first up once more, the door swung open. Azula only got a blurred glimpse of Katara before she felt hands wrap around her wrists to hurriedly tug her inside.
"Woah."
The door clicked shut behind her. Leaving the hallway with a ghostly sort of quiet as she abandoned the too familiar walls. Fleeing to her alter, a refuge of blood and song protected away from the rest of her world.