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He wasn’t upset, he wasn’t. They’d agreed to give each other space after his confession. He wasn’t bothered in the slightest. While there was no label to what they were, they were still something, so this was fine. He was fine.
Astarion’s eyes carried over to Wyll as he spoke heartily with Halsin who place his hand on the other’s shoulder.
“I’m yours whenever you need me, against the curse, the Absolute- anything.” He’d heard it clear as day and saw the way the larger man’s eyes raked over the horned mans body. Wyll for whatever reason didn’t break the contact and patted the wood elfs hand kindly.
“Thank you, that means a lot. You’ll be a wonderful asset to us and I’ve appreciated your guidance in these lands. I’ll be sure to bring you along with me more often.”
“Be sure that you do.” Halsin said withdrawing his hand, not before squeezing him lightly.
“Hells, if looks could kill.”
Astarion snapped out of his daze and blinked over at the voice. Karlach was seated on a rock next to her tent with a furrowed brow. “I’m sorry darling, I don’t know what you mean?”
“Right, well- are you and Wyll in some sort of fight, Fangs?” Karlach leaned over on her knees and clasped her hands together.
He liked Karlach, quite a lot actually, so for a moment he thought about telling her the truth. She was probably one of the most approachable members of this stranger little group they had formed. Well, besides that small little issue with her being on fire twenty-four hours of the day. He honestly was feeling a bit too conflicted and bitter at the moment . Astarion didn’t really want to take it out on her.
“Of course not dear, there hasn’t been any argument. Wyll is just doing his hero thing right now. When would we even have time to disagree with each other in this place?” Which was true, they didn’t have any down time to speak of.
Between the constant shadow curse creatures, trying to rescue Wyll’s awful father, Shadowheart’s need to be a Shar warrior and pretending to be an Absolutist- there was no time to really think about what was between them.
“The invisible hole you’re drilling into Halsin’s head would beg to differ.” Karlach’s tone was light, but she was studying him and Astarion hated being analyzed.
He scoffed, deciding to drop the act. “We decided to give each other breathing room and I’m fine with that. There’s no need to be attached at the hip. We have other things to worry about.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Really, really?” This earned Karlach a glare. She raised her hands in self-defense. “Oh fine, I’ll leave you alone, okay? I just liked seeing you two happy, but if you don’t want to talk about it, I’ll drop it.”
Astarion didn’t say anything to this, but instead walked back to his own tent and closed the opening flap behind him. He laid down in an attempt to trance. After an hour or so he’d given up and stared up at the ceiling with a frown.
Lae’zel for whatever reason like to sharpen her swords when everyone else wanted to rest. He was tempted to take a walk, but stopped short when he heard voices. He opened the fabric slightly when he saw Wyll sitting by the fire with Gale and Shadowheart. Their voices were quiet for a while, so he wasn’t able to hear them clearly before Shadowheart snorts- letting out a surprisingly genuine laugh.
“I can’t believe you two are discussing smut over the cooking pot! That has to be bad for the meal.” The wizard was loud enough for everyone in the camp to hear, but he didn’t look all that upset from what Astarion could tell.
“That’s because you don’t have good taste.” Shadowheart retorted, bumping Wyll’s shoulder. “Wouldn’t you agree?”
The younger man nodded, keeping the tone playful. “Yes, our dear wizard needs a wider appetite when it comes to literature. Besides it was a romance, not just carnal pleasure. I’m in it for the story.”
Gale stirred the pot with a deadpanned expression. “What you two have just quoted in my presence was pure lust.”
Wyll grinned at this. “That was only one page Gale, there was an emotional build up that led to the moment I assure you. Shadowheart and I actually found the full series in a chest near the goblin camp. She has the second book and I’ve just started the third. We’ve created a book club of sorts, and you could join?”
“A book club about erotic fiction?”
Shadowheart rolled her eyes. “Don’t be a hypocrite, Gale. You think I didn’t see the novels you have stored in that cluttered tent. This is right up your alley.”
There was a long pause and all that could be heard was the fire cooking whatever Gale put in the pot. “You’ll lend me the first book then?”
Wyll nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, Shadowheart still has it.” He gave her a look. She stood to her feet before walking over to her tent, searching through her bag.
Gale sighed. “You’ve convinced me then. If this is really a book club, then am I expected to review the details with you?”
“Nothing that endowed, Gale. I just find it as an enjoyable distraction in these dark lands. That’s all really.”
The wizard smiled at this. “Well, I can’t argue with you there. I know I certainly wouldn’t complain about having something else to think about from time to time, especially out here. Consider me persuaded my charismatic friend. When I’m finished I’ll relay my review to you.”
Wyll stood to his feet as Gale gave him a bowl of the mystery meal he’d prepared. “Excellent!” He clapped the man on the shoulder with a nod and ‘thank you’ as he walked back over to his own tent.
Astarion frowned and crossed his arms over his chest as he sat up. Something was bothering him and for a moment he wasn’t sure where the irritation was coming from. They’d had their conversation three days ago and it ended not quite how he’d expected, but Wyll didn’t get upset with him.
On the contrary, the man said he understood why Astarion would feel the need to want protection. The sweet fool even said he’d never even dreamed of turning on him. They made a pact in the Grove and Wyll considered him a friend before they’d become ‘romantically involved’. Or at least that’s how he put it. Wyll told Astarion that he still cared for him and would give him the space he needed. He said that they needn’t be intimate, but would still like to remain with him.
To be fair, Astarion did take this as a challenge. Wyll looked taken aback that the vampire didn’t think he could last. He still remembered Wyll’s words from that night.
“I won’t take anything you’re not willing to give, ever. I will protect you.”
It felt like Wyll turned on his Blade of Frontiers persona and hadn’t turned it off around him since.
“Astarion, are you awake in there?” Wylls voice called to him outside his tent. He was tempted to say no or not speak at all, but that would prove Karlach’s point that they were indeed fighting.
“Yes darling, I’m up. Elves don’t sleep. Do you need something?” He didn’t speak for a moment and Astarion was almost certain the other man disappeared.
“Have you eaten?” His stomach ached on queue. He hadn’t eaten since the night before ‘the talk’.
Wyll put him on a schedule ever since they started traveling in the Shadowlands so that Astarion wouldn’t fall weak without anything to feed on. He’d nearly forgotten with the way his mind was reeling and a part of him hadn’t wanted to ask either.
“No, I haven’t.” He said a bit quieter this time.
“...Can I come in?” Wyll asked hesitantly.
Astarion’s eyes flitted around the tent and his front teeth worried at his lower lip. He pushed a hand through his hair and sat up a bit straighter. “Of course.”
There was a moments hesitation before Wyll crouched inside and Astarion’s eyes caught Gale by the fire behind him with a new book in hand. The book that Shadowheart and Wyll shared.
Why that irritated him, he wasn’t sure.
“Here.” His eyes didn’t even realize that a goblet was being placed into his hands. He smelled the sweetness before he even had the chance to asks what was in the cup. “I know that we usually schedule your feeding every few days and I didn’t want you to go hungry.”
Wyll watched him, from what he realized was a further distance from where he would normal sit, when they were alone. He kept his legs crossed so that neither of his knees would touch Astarion’s calf.
It was clear that the Blade of Frontiers was avoiding him.
“Wyll, have I done something to upset you?” He was surprised that the words left his mouth without thinking about them.
Said man blinked his eyes and shifted his shoulders in shock. “What? Of course not, I just wanted to make sure that you still ate. You haven’t upset me.” It sounded rehearsed.
He was lying.
Astarion felt his knuckles tighten around the goblet and his face contort into a sour expression. The cup was filled with Wyll’s blood. He wanted to throw it and yell, but he wouldn’t. His eyes caught the closed wound on his forearm that he’d used to fill the cup.
“There is a distance now and you won’t touch me.” His voice came out rougher than he wanted to admit. “You said that you understood me. You said that you cared for me, but was that your subtle way of saying you wanted to break up with me?”
“No!” Wyll said loudly, flinching at his own tone. “I meant what I said, I- just don’t want to add to any more distress. I know this is all new and unfamiliar territory, figuratively and literally speaking. I’m realizing that a lot of things I’ve done….its added to the problem. I don’t want to-”
“I said I didn’t want to be thought about in terms of sex, Wyll! I still want you to recite your bloody horrible poems, comparing me to a wretched summers day. I still want you to place your hand on my back, even though I don’t need your stupid help going up the stairs. I still want you to twirl me in your arms like the stupidly perfect prince you are before you kiss me. Don’t stop doing those things Wyll, please.”
It was humiliating to beg. He promised himself he’d never do it again. Wyll’s eyes were wide.
“Wyll when I said I wanted us to be something real I meant it. I still mean it.” Astarion placed the cup behind him so not to slosh the blood all over his and Wyll’s clothes. “The times we spent together was- is special to me. The first time at that terrible little excuse for a party meant so much to me. I know you wanted courtship and I realize now that’s probably-”
“I still do.” Wyll interrupted.
“So why?” He gestures his hands between them.
Wyll’s shoulders sag slightly raising his hand to his stone eye and the scar that ran behind his neck. “I know what it’s like to be touched and not want it. Knowing that’s what I did to you, well I just can’t bare it.”
They both didn’t speak for a moment. “Did she do that to you?” Wyll nodded silently.
Astarion held out his hand and waited for the other man to take it. His hand fleshed into Wyll’s as he locked their fingers together. “I’m getting you out of this contract with Mizora.”
Wyll opened his mouth to speak, but Astarion raised his hand. “I don’t want space from you, Wyll. I still want you and I meant the compliments I paid as well. I just don’t think I want sex, at least for now. I don’t know.”
“And I’m fine with that.” The younger man stated firmly. “I think we should set up boundaries-”
Astarion glared and his tone worried. “Wyll-”
“I don’t mean breaking up.” This seemed to calm the elf’s tight grip on his hand. “I just mean, you should tell me if something that I’m doing is making you uncomfortable. I know that before this was about survival, but I still have very strong feelings for you. I don’t want to lose that either, so we should be upfront about what makes you feel uneasy.”
“Okay,” He breathed out nervously. “but you should do the same.”
Wyll furrowed his brow. “What?”
“Tell me if something I’m doing bothers you.” He wanted them to be on an equal plane field. Different from how their relationship started.
Wyll tilted his head like this wasn’t something he’d given much thought. “Alright, I’ll try.”
Astarion hesitated for a moment before pulling the man by their interlocked hands and brought them both to his mouth, pressing lightly. “Do you want me to take your blood from a goblet from now on?”
“No, I- well I did that to make sure I wasn’t crossing a line. But if you would still like to feed from me, you can have that and me as well.”
A pause.
“I meant me as in my blood.” Wyll seemed to trip over his own words, like he couldn’t get them out fast enough. “Shadowheart taught me a clerical spell, Lesser Restoration. It’s quite useful. So you can take your fill of my blood and I won’t be drained and tired.”
Right, Shadowheart. She seemed to come up a lot lately. “Wyll, you are quite the popular fellow.”
“Popular?” Wyll tilted his head as if he had no idea what Astarion could possibly be talking about. “With who?”
The elf let out a laugh that sounded rather forced. “Well you seem rather chummy with Shadowheart and Halsin can’t pull his eyes away from you. I can understand why.”
“Shadowheart? Halsin?” Wyll laughed as he gently pulled his hands back and leaned back on them as, his tail curled out from behind him. “Astarion, the only one that has admitted to being attracted to me in this form is you. Besides Shadowheart is my reading buddy, that’s all. I’m not even sure where you’re pulling Halsin from.”
If Wyll didn’t see the way that tree hugging man looked at him, he wasn’t going to offer up the information. Astarion liked being someones number one. Wyll’s number one. He also knew that Wyll wasn’t one for multiple partners at once, so if the man decided he wanted another- he’d leave him. It was a fear in the forefront of Astarions mind.
It’s a fear he now realized wasn’t about protection, but rejection.
Astarion looked at the respective distance still placed between them and careful inched forward, before sitting himself down in Wyll’s lap. His darker clawed hands wrapped around his waist lightly. Astarion’s lips pressed against the base of the other mans horns and then down to his lips.
“I’m a bit hurt you didn’t think to invite me to your smutty little book club, darling. I’m an expert when it comes to the subject.”
Wyll gave an awkward smile. “I did try some weeks ago. You’d actually found an old favorite of mine at Wakeens Rest, it was burnt up but I recognized it. I believe your words were ‘drab dull romantic garbage’. I didn’t have the heart to tell you I liked the book.”
Astarion shifted and wrapped his arms around the man and frowned. “I’m uh, sorry to insult your taste in…unique literature.”
Wyll laughed. “It’s fine, no need to apologize. I don’t want you to change your opinions just for my sake. That’s one of the reason I like you so much.”
“Thank you darling, I am wonderful, but at this point I insist you let me join. The fact that you allowed Gale in before me is a betrayal in it’s self.”
Astarion watched Wyll’s face as he made a show of contemplating the decision, being such a tease. “Alright, but Gale does have the first book of the series we're reading. We’ll have to lend you something else.”
He made a show of sighing and rolling his eyes. “Fine, I guess I’ll make due.” Or he would just steal it. His gaze fell from Wyll’s down to his neck. His stomach ached.
“I did come in here to make sure you were fed. So if you would like to feed, you can.” Wyll released his hold on Astarion’s waist and leaned back on his hands again watching him. He seemed to be searching for something on his pale face and for whatever reason it made the vampire self-conscious. People didn’t look at Astarion the way Wyll did. It was desire certainly, but the feeling that washed through his chest. He couldn't tell if he was nervous or happy or both.
He wordlessly nodded and brought up his index finger to close the devils eyes individually. He kissed both his eyelids and Wyll let out an approving noise. Astarion leaned his head towards his neck and licked the scars that closed wound from a few days prior. He bit down and heard a groan that made him smile.
He liked this man quite a lot. Well like didn’t even seem to be enough anymore. He’d think about that later.