Work Text:
This was it. She was finally doing it.
...Or, finally getting it done, she supposed.
Makoto sat in Mitsumi's bathroom with Nao standing in front of her, fiddling with her subject's hair to examine what she had to work with. Mitsumi and the rest of the girls were in the other room, doing whatever it was they were doing. Makoto could hear their laughter and bits and pieces of their chatter from where she sat.
A few days earlier, Makoto had asked Mitsumi if she could ask Nao to cut her hair, since she knew the woman was involved in that line of work. She wasn't quite comfortable with the idea of requesting what she wanted with anyone else, even if it was just some stranger at a hair salon, and just hoped Nao would be generous enough to lend her expertise.
Though, she hadn't told any of the girls how much she planned on getting rid of. She had yet to ask Nao, even.
"So, what are we thinking for today?" Nao asked as she rummaged through a couple drawers for some more mystery tools.
Makoto drew a breath. She'd prepared for this. She could say it. Nao was safe.
She drew a breath, opened her mouth, and...
...and nothing came out.
What?
After the interval of acceptable response time had passed, Makoto closed her mouth in frustration.
Why can't I say it?
"...Not sure yet? I can bring up some pictures, if you want. Sometimes it's easier to figure out what you want when you have some visuals to choose from," Nao offered patiently.
Despite her frustration, Makoto nodded, but not without a hint of embarrassment at her failure to express what she really wanted.
She already knew what she wanted. Well, maybe not exactly, but... she knew she wanted it short. She wanted it short like the boys in her class. Short like there was a chance someone might confuse her for a boy from the back.
No particular reason for that, of course.
Nao pulled out her phone, bringing up a photo album with a very wide variety of styles. "Here," she said as she handed the phone to Makoto. "Let me know if anything strikes your eye. Anything you want."
Leave it to her to just have something on hand like this, Makoto thought as she took the phone.
She began to scroll through slowly, eventually almost forgetting that she was looking for a certain style in favor of just admiring the handiwork of all the different styles. She assumed all of these were Nao's personal work, since almost all of the pictures were taken in what appeared to be the same environment.
"...These are your work?"
Nao glanced up from organizing all the tools she'd gathered for the task at hand, ranging from scissors, to different sized combs, to some other weird tools that Makoto had no idea what they did or were called.
"Yeah, thanks for noticing!" She beamed in a way not dissimilar to the way Mitsumi always did.
Makoto returned her attention to the phone, scrolling until she came across one that matched pretty much exactly what she'd had in mind when she decided she finally wanted this.
The cut was short and shaggy, but not in a way that felt too messy to her. It left some hair on the sides to make it evenly dispersed around the head, but it definitely qualified as short enough for what she wanted. It was maybe the most basic short style she could pick, but start simple, right? It was perfect.
Makoto's stomach lurched as she settled on her choice and couldn't stall any longer. Nao seemed to notice her anxious fidgets and nervous glances around the room.
"Find something?"
She nodded.
Her heart was pounding so hard she could feel it against her chest. She didn't know why it was such a big deal.
People cut their hair all the time. It's not that strange. It's not that weird. It's not that big of a deal.
Believe it or not, telling herself it wasn't a big deal didn't stop her from feeling like it was.
She lifted her trembling hand up with the image of her desired style selected, fully enlarged and taking up the entire screen. She closed her eyes, feeling that it might be less scary to not have to see a reaction.
A moment passed, holding the phone in her shaky hand up for Nao to see and judge.
"Ah, that's a good one! Simple, but pleasing to the eye, and easy to manage. Your waves will go well with it, too."
Makoto huffed out a breath, relieved at the completely unremarkable response. It was as if she'd just asked for a light trim.
"Alright, ready to begin?"
Makoto nodded again, too much nervous energy coursing through her to risk speaking and having her voice waver.
She removed her glasses and set them on the counter beside her, not far from the array of tools that had been laid out and neatly organized.
Nao picked up the first tool and got to work, expertly sectioning off the soon-to-be-chopped hair.
It was silent for a bit while she worked, the woman concentrating fully on getting the sections even and making sure it would be easy to clean up after the big cuts had been made.
After Makoto had calmed down a bit, Nao chanced a conversation, hoping it wouldn't cause her canvas's nerves to spike up again.
"You know, I think this is one of my favorite styles to do. It's much easier than a lot of others, and clients are almost always satisfied with the results. I think you'll like it."
"Really?"
"Yeah! I'm sure it's nerve-wracking, to do such a big jump, but I've heard good things about this one. Most seem to love it."
Makoto didn't miss the bittersweet smile that snuck its way onto the woman's face.
She wanted to ask, but...
"Do you like the length of your hair?"
The bitter left her expression, leaving behind the sweet, and, accompanying it, another Mitsumi grade smile. "Yes. I really do."
A pause.
"Actually, I..." The comb hesitated for a second atop Makoto's head. "I used to have it shorter," Nao shared with a weak laugh. "Well, I'm sure you could've guessed that." A sigh. "It was pretty similar to what you're asking for, maybe a little shorter."
Makoto moved her gaze up to Nao's face, which was just in her view, to see what kind of expression she had.
It was almost longing. A kind of tainted longing.
"But I really do like the style. On other people, that is. I could never quite love it as much for myself. Maybe I could have, in another lifetime."
Nao noticed Makoto analyzing her and quickly attempted to change her tone, thinking maybe she was getting too depressing for this kid who just wanted their hair cut.
"Either way, I like the way my hair is now, and that's what matters. Once you find a style you really click with, it really does wonders for you. Sorry if I got a bit gloomy there."
Makoto went to shake her head, before deciding against it and opting to try her voice again.
"No, no, I..." She frowned, searching for what she wanted to say. "Thank you for telling me. I can't imagine how hard it must have been."
Nao shot a knowing glance at her from above.
"If you don't mind me asking – and don't feel like you have to answer if you don't know or don't want to – but... any particular reason for choosing this style? It's not every day someone decides to cut that much, so I can't help but be curious."
Makoto's heart missed a beat.
She knew the question was inevitable. There was no way they would have gotten through the whole procedure without a single question about the drastic change and the motivation behind it.
But it was okay. That was okay.
She shut her eyes and knit her brows into a tight frown, before replying, "I just think it's time for something new."
A pause.
"I see." Nao seemed to be debating how to breach a certain topic.
They both knew where this was going, where the conversation would inevitably end up, but each either didn't know how to breach the topic, or didn't particularly want to.
"Have you always wanted it shorter?" Nao inquired from above her.
"...I guess. Kind of. I don't know," she stumbled out. She truly wasn't sure. "It's complicated."
"Oh? How so?"
Makoto was silent for a beat, unsure how to elaborate and put the feelings into words. She wasn't sure she had words for it.
"I don't know. Sometimes I want it, but then I'm not sure if I'd want everything else that comes with it."
Nao's face twisted into one of understanding and sympathy. "Yes, hair is a delicate and weighted thing for many people. That makes sense. It's not always easy to know what you want."
Not prompted to answer another question, Makoto stayed quiet, letting silence fill the space once more.
"Well, we're just about ready. Or, I am. Are you?" Nao asked while she grabbed the scissors from the counter.
Makoto played with her hands as she nodded, confirming to Nao that she was ready, and confirming to herself that this really was it. This would be it.
Makoto had had long hair her whole life. It was almost like a shield to her. She didn't wear it down too often, so maybe not in the literal sense, but it felt like proof. Proof that she was still a girl, despite all the other numerous areas that she seemed to fall short in when it came to the sport of girlhood. It was like sending the sentiment of "I'm still one of you, even if it doesn't seem like it, you have to believe me" to other girls. It kept her safe.
It was a safety net to fall back on. Something to catch her if she were to be accused of not being girly enough, of not presenting the sort of femininity expected of girls, of not being a girl at all. Her hair was like a thing she could point at and use to tell them that they were wrong.
She wasn't sure why she was so afraid of being accused of something like that. Though, she didn't need to understand why to know that the thought terrified her to her core.
...If she wasn't a girl, what was she?
The question scared her. Maybe worse than anything ever had in her entire life.
"Alright. Here we go. Three... two..."
Shk.
Makoto felt the chunk of hair unattach from the part still attached to her head, and watched it fall limp into Nao's hand in the corner of her vision.
That was it.
I can't go back now.
Makoto let out a breath.
"Well, there's the hard part! Now we just need to get the rest of these chunks and clean up. Still alright?" Nao checked in as she threw the chunk of hair into the bathroom bin.
She nodded.
That was it.
Finally.
An almost sickening concoction of thrill and dread rested at the pit of her stomach, knowing that this would change everything. For better and worse.
"How's it feel?" Nao started working at cutting the other sections down so she could get to the actual styling.
"...Good. Weird."
Nao laughed. "Yeah. I can imagine. You know, I'm a bit surprised you asked for my help with this."
Chop.
Makoto couldn't keep a confused expression from sneaking onto her face. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I feel like maybe you would have just done it yourself."
Chop.
"Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, and very glad you did ask me, but I feel like you're... the type to do that."
What's that supposed to mean?
She wasn't sure what to say to that, so she settled on saying nothing.
"You know, my boyfriend cut his own hair for a while before we met. He always talked very highly of the practice. I don't particularly understand it, maybe as someone who values professional treatment in the hair department, but it seemed to be really important to him."
Chop.
"I think a big part of it was getting to do it himself. He got to choose how it turned out, and nobody else's ideas about him and who he was as a person could get in the way of his ideal results." She paused her movements for a thought. "Though, based on some pictures he showed me, his own lacking abilities may have," she snickered a bit before continuing her work behind Makoto's head.
"...I guess I've thought about it." More than a few times.
"Maybe you should give it a try sometime, even if it's just once. And if it turns out that bad, I can always clean it up for you." She smiled gently at Makoto.
Makoto felt a bit of warmth spread through her chest. "Maybe." To know someone like Nao had her back in that way... she had never felt so safe.
Chop.
"And that's it! Let's get these bands out and we can start on the real stuff."
Makoto looked over at all the hair bundles in the small bin across the room.
That was just attached to me.
And now it's not.
She shook out her head a bit, feeling the new weightlessness to it.
"Light, isn't it? Do you like it?"
"Yeah."
"Good. 'Cause I can't put it back on," Nao joked.
A small smile graced Makoto's face.
That's right. I can't go back now.
"Yeah."
Makoto watched as Nao grabbed the scissors and comb again, getting to work on the actual shape. They worked and sat, respectively, in silence for a number of minutes, Nao pouring her concentration into her work, and Makoto staying quiet and letting her work her magic.
Makoto was frightened for what might come after this – there was no way she could deny that, or pretend that she wasn't worried about the consequences that might come with this choice.
At the same time, however, it was comforting. To know that she was changing, and to know that she would not be the same leaving the bathroom as she was coming in. She didn't want to stay the same.
To have to continue on like that for the rest of her life... she couldn't imagine wanting to live that long, if that had to be the case.
It felt so... freeing, to feel the pieces of hair fall down from her head, to see them wisp down in the corner of her eye onto the cape Nao had put on her. She felt a little dramatic for feeling so, but it felt a little like an animal shedding its skin. In her case, the change itself may appear to be purely physical, but she knew that that wasn't the case. Something was changing inside her even more than was changing outside.
"...Can I ask you something?" Makoto stared straight ahead, avoiding eye contact as she watched more strands float downwards into her vision from above her head.
"What about?"
"You."
Snip.
"Sure."
Snip.
"...How did you know?"
She felt rude for asking. How incredibly invasive. She would never have asked in any other circumstance. She knew that, and was a little ashamed she'd let her curiosity get the best of her in this instance.
But the way she felt now... she felt like she might suffocate if she didn't get a grip on whatever was going on inside of her. Something was happening.
I don't understand.
"Ah. Well..."
She's probably been asked this a lot. I would hate me for asking if I were her. I hate me for asking anyway.
Makoto could feel her cheeks and ears heating up, embarrassed that she'd had the guts to ask such a thing. She knew it was personal. She never wanted to be the kind of person to demand someone share their history like that.
"Everyone has different experiences. For me, it was... it was complicated. I felt it in myself, and I knew what I wanted, but it's not always easy to be able to access that want and use it the way you need to."
Snip.
"Everybody says all the time, that these things aren't choices. 'Being the way you are isn't a choice'. I agree, to some extent, I suppose. But the thing is... you can want and want your whole life, but wanting alone won't get you what you need."
Snip.
"You have to make the choice."
Snip.
Makoto thought she felt something shift inside her.
"Ahh... though, I suppose that doesn't really answer your question, does it? Hm..." Nao paused to allow herself a moment to think while her words processed in Makoto's brain.
"I guess for me, it was just that some things felt right, and other things felt wrong. I'd always known it, in some ways, but it was hard for me to realize the things I wanted, to turn them into actions that got me what I needed." She sighed. "It's scary. Everything you've ever known – throwing it away and throwing yourself into something else entirely. It's terrifying."
Her face was out of sight from Makoto's field of view, but she could hear the change in her voice.
"But it really is worth it."
Snip.
"It's all worth it."
Snip.
...
"–I think I might be a boy!"
The words had tumbled out like they were fiending to escape her head before she could stop them.
She couldn't stand to carry this alone anymore.
Makoto could practically hear her own heartbeat. The silence of the room was so thick she felt that she might drown in it. The laughter and chatter from the other room that had previously been a comfort had been distorted into an almost haunting echo of normalcy from beyond the room where she'd finally said those words out loud.
I think I might be a boy.
Her lungs felt like they were closing in on themselves, waiting for a response, anything, from Nao. She had never admitted that to herself, let alone anyone else. It was almost like she could feel the blood coursing through her veins as her heart pounded, beating away in anticipation of something.
...
Snip.
"I'm glad. I really think this is a nice style for boys."
Makoto watched as Nao took a step back and leaned down a bit to look her in the eyes.
"Maybe you can love it the way I couldn't."
Makoto's eyes shimmered for a brief moment, tears threatening to break as she looked up at the woman who had just treated this like it was a good thing.
She had spoken as if someone had just given her a gift, as if someone had just told her the best news she'd ever received in her life.
Makoto took a shaky breath.
"I'll try."
Nao sniffled and not-so-discreetly wiped her eyes, before lifting her tools back up.
"Well... we're almost done, but not quite, so hang in there just a little longer, okay?"
"Okay."
The silence returned, reassuring this time, with the occasional snip snip of the scissors.
...
Is this really a good thing?
Makoto thought about how happy Nao seemed to be as a person. Of course, everyone had their bad days and their rough patches, but she seemed so bright. She could hardly imagine a version of Nao who was dampened the way she implied she'd been in the past.
If she's this happy on the other end of it all...
Maybe it really is a good thing.
She let herself sit back in respite for the rest of the session, feeling for the first time that maybe this thing that she'd been keeping locked up and away inside her all this time wasn't a thing to keep trapped in the corner of her heart.
It didn't have to be a bad thing.
She just had to make the choice to let it out.
~~~~
"And it's done!"
Nao handed Makoto a hand mirror to show off the finished product, which he took after he reached to grab his glasses, putting them back on so he could actually see himself.
After a few beats, he turned it around, and almost couldn't believe what he was seeing.
His hand gripped the mirror's handle a little tighter, slowly turning it along with his head to see all the way around.
"Ah, if you look in the mirror and hold up the small one behind you, you can see the back, too."
He did as advised, standing up and taking a few steps to the large wall mirror above the counter, bringing the hand mirror up behind his head.
"...It looks really good..."
"Doesn't it?" She stood behind him in the mirror, admiring her own handiwork, another Mitsumi-esque smile – the kind that reached her eyes with distance to spare – plastered across her face.
"Thank you for this. So much."
He couldn't peel his eyes away from the sight in front of him.
"It's no problem. I'm glad you came to me."
Putting the hand mirror down, Makoto reached up to touch his hair.
It was so soft, so fluffy, and so light.
He felt like he'd freed himself from more burdens than just the hair during his time in the bathroom.
"It really suits you."
Makoto whirled around as his eyebrows knit together in almost desperation.
"Really?"
"Definitely!"
His mouth hung slightly open for a moment before he regained his poise.
"Thanks."
"Are you ready to go out?" Nao inquired.
"...I think so."
At his confirmation, Nao began to move to the door that separated them from the others, but paused after her hand reached the door handle.
"Hey, listen... I really am happy you asked me for help. If you ever need anything, please don't be afraid to ask. I'll get you my contact information, so you don't need to go through Mitsumi if you're not ready to talk to the girls about this. Take all the time you need." She turned her head, looking Makoto straight in his soul, it felt like.
"I'm proud of you for making this choice today. Making the choice to change is really hard – I think we both understand that more than most. But it's a beautiful thing, to change yourself. If you don't feel good about the way you are now, you can choose to change things so you're able to feel better. Tearing yourself apart and putting yourself back together, reinventing yourself the way you want to, is a form of art. The creation of who you want to be is a beautiful thing. The changes you choose to make, the big and the small, are all a part of that.
"Of course, not all changes can happen in a day like this one. There might be times when you feel like they'll never come, like you're sitting around and waiting eternally in some sort of chrysalis purgatory. But you have to trust me when I say it's worth the wait. You have to stick it out.
"I know it can feel lonely sometimes, like there's nobody else who could possibly be feeling what you're feeling and going through life the same as you. I may not understand exactly what you're going through and what you might be feeling, but I'm here for you. There are people like us everywhere. We always have a way of finding each other. Okay?"
Unsure how to respond to the barrage of reassurance, Makoto settled on returning a nod.
"Okay. Ready?"
Nod.
With that, Nao pushed the handle and opened the door, calling out as she did so. "Hey, we're done! Come look!"
The two heard the noise from the other room come to an abrupt halt, followed by an equally abrupt trio of scrambling and scampering to the bathroom door.
Mitsumi made it first, followed by Yuzuki and Mika.
Mitsumi unleashed a dramatic gasp, slapping her hands to her face and practically squealing. "Eeeeeee it's so cute!!" She turned to Nao, now sporting a cheeky thumbs up. "You've really outdone yourself with this one." She finished with a wise nod, receiving a quiet laugh and thanks from Nao.
Mika stayed much more neutral than Mitsumi, but couldn't keep a small smile from making its way onto her face. "It looks nice," she said quietly as she crossed her arms, seeming to be inspecting the artfulness of the cut.
Yuzuki was just unabashedly staring. When she realized the others were looking at her for her reaction, she jolted, the color in her cheeks starting to deepen as she averted her gaze, as if she wasn't supposed to be looking at Makoto in the first place.
...Until she realized Makoto was also looking at her, emboldening her to look back, cheeks still flushed. "You look really good! It suits you well."
"...Thanks, you guys."
Nao smiled at the sight.
"Well, I'll leave you all to your fun. I have some work to take care of in the other room."
Her words were met with a chorus of okay's, followed by disorganized debate of what they should spend the rest of the night doing.
Makoto watched as the others went on ahead to return to the common area, letting them know he'd join them in a bit, before turning to Nao.
"Thanks again. Really."
"I'm happy I could help. Oh, and I'll get you my contact information before you leave, okay? Go have fun."
"Okay."
Makoto hesitated for a moment, and then went in for a hug, which was gently returned after a brief moment of surprise from Nao.
"Thanks," he mumbled again.
"Sounds like it feels better on you than it ever did on me. I'm glad you like it. Let me know when you need a touch-up, if you don't want to try cutting it yourself."
"Okay," he agreed as they parted.
He gave a small smile and a wave as he went off to join the others.
Nao stood and watched him go, remembering her own youth and the things she'd had to go through alone.
It really is nothing short of a miracle that I'm still here today.
She hoped that she could help make it a little easier for him – or at least, a little less lonely.