Chapter Text
November 19, Thursday.
Morning
Waking up on the second day of the field trip is not too different from the first.
Makoto is yet again tangled in a bundle of limbs that are attached to the entity that goes by the name of Ryoji Mochizuki–who is still sleeping soundly.
It’s still just as comfortable as last time even though the positions they are in have changed.
This time, Makoto is still on his back, staring at the ceiling, or more specifically, staring at their amused classmates who point their phone cameras at them… He doesn’t bother sighing, but Makoto does glance at them dispassionately. Do they not have anything better to do?
He doesn't mind that this is how things seemingly turn out whenever he sleeps next to Ryoji, but he also can’t pretend to be asleep when lying like this; everyone can tell he is awake already, so he raises the only free arm he has to shake Ryoji awake.
“Ryoji,” he calls, just barely above a whisper.
And, once again, it doesn't take more than a minute for Ryoji to wake up, jump away from Makoto with a grin, and offer him a hand while excitedly rambling about the day ahead of them. It all goes so fast that it makes Makoto dizzy.
“It’s our third day in Kyoto!” Today’s itinerary includes free time within the city. “I can’t wait. There’s so much to look forward to!”
Makoto takes Ryoji’s hand.
The rest of S.E.E.S. had already discussed the idea of spending the day together to make memories as a group at length. Makoto hadn’t bothered thinking of plans of his own, and, just like Ryoji, he is thankful for a chance to spend more time with everyone.
It will be another long day…
But Makoto has to confess that he is also looking forward to it.
…
Makoto is not the best at reading people.
At best, he knows the right thing to say to relieve someone from whatever conundrum they find themselves in or to nod along to whatever someone else decides, as they know their own situation best, after all; Makoto is just an observer who happens to be good at listening. Even if this hasn't always been the right choice when interacting with others, it still has gotten him this far.
Regardless, while he may not be the best at understanding others, even he can see something has changed when the boys reach the meeting place that Yukari decided.
In specific, Mitsuru has changed.
The smile on her expression is a lot less strained. Yukari keeps making her chuckle when they think no one is looking, and, if he’s not mistaken, there’s also a blush that rises to her cheeks every so often when Yukari looks away to chat with someone unless it's a trick of the light mixed with the light make-up on her face.
Nonetheless, it’s a relief to see her in a better mood.
Makoto counts on her more than anyone else in terms of strategy, as although he is the leader of S.E.E.S., capable of taking charge of battle with ease, the head of S.E.E.S. will always be Mitsuru, the one with the compassion to connect with others properly, check on what’s necessary for the group to stay friendly, and who has the connections to the rest of the Kirijo group to request new equipment and relay their discoveries to the team of scientists and researchers.
Leaders just need to be able to make quick, good decisions correctly. Heads need to have the communication skills and resources to make sure the team doesn't fall apart.
It’s something Makoto is still learning to do.
With both Ikutsuki and Mitsuru’s father gone…they need her more than ever before.
“Don’t they look beautiful?” Ryoji asks next to him, snapping Makoto out of his thoughts.
Right, there’s another key difference in the girls in front of them.
The four girls are wearing kimonos, much more detailed than the yukatas they usually wear for the festivals, including detailed patterns on the silk cloth, tying their hair up with floral ornaments, and light make-up applied that's certainly the work of professionals.
Makoto nods at Ryoji’s question. “It does suit them.” But it’s not like he knows that much about the subject apart from conversations with Bebe as they sewed; yukatas and kimonos, the differences between silk and cotton, when one should use one or the other—things about tradition that Makoto would have known if his family had been around long enough to teach him.
Bebe…
His foreign friend will be returning to his uncle soon, as things have been tense since the death of his aunt... Makoto is going to lose another friend soon, and he can’t do anything to stop it because he shouldn’t. It's unreasonable to try and come between a grieving family.
“Isn’t that your friend, Makoto?” Ryoji pipes up next to him.
Makoto follows Ryoji’s pointing and spots the exact friend that had been in his thoughts just a moment ago: Bebe himself, happily chatting with some other second years, wearing a beautiful blue kimono, looking like he belongs on the runaway rather than the streets of Kyoto. Makoto has never seen him so happy before.
Makoto smiles. “It is.”
He sighs, reminding himself that it’s fine if Bebe has to leave. He won’t be gone like the others; they can still write to each other, and the memories of this trip will surely last him a lifetime, so how can Makoto be upset when Bebe is having the best day of his life?
“I wish I had known,” Ryoji complains, looking a bit heartbroken. “I would have loved to dress up too. All of you look gorgeous!”
Their friends smile and chuckle politely in turn, thanking Ryoji for the compliment, with the sole exception being Aigis, who just looks away respectfully, trying to avoid looking offended just at the fact of having been addressed.
“You probably still can!” Yukari says. “The waiting line for guys is much shorter, so I’m sure it won't take you too long.”
Ryoji's mood recovers in an instant. “Where do I have to go?”
“I can show you,” Fuuka offers with a smile.
Ryoji turns to the other boys. “Will you also come with us?”
“I want to go check the Nishiki Market before it gets too full,” Junpei says, scratching the back of his head. Makoto thinks that’s an unlikely task since the market is an infamous tourist spot. It will be full regardless of the time of day.
“I will go with Junpei, there are some souvenirs I still have to buy for my parents,” Akihiko adds.
Yukari grabs Mitsuru’s arm and speaks up next. “Mitsuru and I wanted to take some pictures together.”
“I will be assisting in the photo taking.” Aigis bows.
One by one, all of their friends seem a bit too busy to accompany Ryoji, apart from Fuuka who’s leading the way, and Makoto swears his two antenna-like hairs look more wilted than usual.
“I will go with you,” Makoto finally says. Wearing a kimono could be fun, and he could show the photos of it to Bebe later, who would surely be delighted to know Makoto tried it out too.
Ryoji's grin returns. “Really?”
Makoto nods.
“How about we meet at…” Yukari plays with a single strand of hair as she thinks. “The Shiba cafe in two hours, then?”
Everyone nods, agreeing to the plan, before parting ways, each in their own respective groups of two or three.
…
Makoto doesn’t know if the kimono suits him.
Makoto isn’t used to wearing something that’s this refined, so it makes him feel out of his depth a bit.
The kimono is a pleasant teal with a windowpane pattern, nothing too over the top thankfully, with a white haneri underneath, and the obi around his waist is a dark blue with white lines; lastly, they give him a light blue haori with stylized cloud patterns. The haori himo that ties it all together with a gold ring and blue tassel looks more expensive than anything Makoto has worn before.
When he gets out of the changing rooms, Fuuka compliments him, saying that he looks ‘really pretty’. He nods as a thanks for the kind words before sitting next to her.
The shopkeepers keep Ryoji for a bit longer than Makoto,, something about wanting ‘to do him justice considering his looks’.
Makoto only understands what they mean when Ryoji finally passes through the door.
Ryoji wears fancy things very well, something Makoto had suspected before and now knows as fact.
His kimono is unpatterned and white, which wouldn’t have been Makoto’s guess, but it just makes the rest of the outfit shine more, because underneath, Ryoji wears a pink and blue haneri, and above it, he wears a striped hakama. As the real jewel of the outfit, he wears a black haori with star patterns on the edges adorned with red and blue metal pins in the shape of the moon and stars.
Ryoji looks stunning, even as he goes to grab his yellow scarf to put it above the outfit as if a signature accessory that he can’t go without.
“You look nice,” Makoto subconsciously says.
Ryoji's head snaps away from the shopkeeper who is helping him adjust the scarf to stare at Makoto with wide eyes. Ryoji nearly stutters his next words. “That’s the first time you’ve complimented how I look.”
Is that so? Makoto stares at Ryoji, surprised.
“Last time you just said it suited me.” Oh… when Ryoji started using hair gel. It’s true that Makoto can’t recall usually using big compliments when addressing others, it feels forced and awkward, but is Ryoji keeping track?
Ryoji turns to Fuuka excitedly. “Fuuka did you hear? I’m never changing out of this.”
“But, Ryoji-kun, we have to return them later,” Fuuka giggles into her hand.
“But–!”
Makoto has to salvage this before it goes too far. “You look good in your normal clothes too.” Like a prince, Makoto remembers thinking a week ago.
“Really?”
Makoto nods, finding the whole thing bizarre. Why does it matter so much if he likes Ryoji’s appearance?
“I’m glad.” Ryoji grins, the compliment apparently being enough to quiet his plans of theft. “We should go clothes shopping together some–” He stops mid-sentence, his eyes going wide as he stares at Makoto, from top to bottom, his mouth hanging open for a moment before he speaks again. “You… look gorgeous.”
Ah, Ryoji has finally noticed Makoto’s change in outfit.
“You have always looked so pretty, but this is nothing compared to before!” Ryoji exclaims, looking star-struck.
Makoto looks away, feeling more embarrassed now than the time they went out to karaoke and the girls complimented him… Heat rises to his face.
He has never felt like this before when people have complimented him. “Thanks,” he mutters.
It shouldn’t be this surprising. Ryoji is always like this, flirty and flattering to everyone he meets, and Makoto has never been an exception. Ryoji never shies away from giving compliments, but somehow this time it feels different…in a good but foreign way.
“You are welcome.” Ryoji is probably still smiling, but Makoto can't bring himself to look back.
The shopkeepers come over to hash out the final details, they pay their fee and agree to return the rentals in three hours time.
☾ ☾ ☾
Makoto Yuki continues to be the prettiest person Ryoji has ever met.
And Ryoji knows for a fact that his memories returning will not change his mind on this.
“We should go take photos together too,” Ryoji decides as they step out of the shop; he wants this memory immortalized forever, to later print and place it in a picture frame in his bedroom.
Fuuka seems enthusiastic about the idea too. “I can take the photo for you! I can use my phone, unless either of you has a camera on you?”
“I do,” Makoto says, much to the surprise of the other two, as he pulls it out from the small bag he carries. “Photography club assignment. We all agreed to take pictures of the field trip, so the school lent us a few cameras.” He shrugs as an explanation.
“Sounds great!” Ryoji exclaims, happy about things working out. “I would also like to have a photo of the three of us. Maybe we can ask someone for help?”
“Sounds good.” Fuuka smiles, glad to be included.
…
The three of them head towards Maruyama Park, which is located not even a twenty-minute walk away from the place where they had agreed to meet with the others.
It’s less crowded than expected, which makes for a beautiful backdrop to their photos, and when they become too tired of walking around in sandals, the benches offer a nice respite. Ryoji and Fuuka spend an hour chatting about their experience in Kyoto so far, and Makoto idly listens.
Ryoji enjoys the serenity that exists in this city so far away from their home and battle.
To live in a world where they aren’t worrying about what will happen during the next Dark Hour and a world where the chances of losing a teammate and friend are much lower…is this why the others fight so hard? To have this be their life every day, no matter where they are? If so, then Ryoji understands a little better; he would love for this to be his reality too.
Eventually, it’s time to head back, and all three are already looking forward to the idea of returning to their usual shoes after the cafe… Perhaps they underestimated what forty minutes of walking in zori would feel like.
Unfortunately, by the time they meet up with the others, they find the cafe already booked for the whole day.
His friends are bummed out about it, so Ryoji tries to suggest they visit the nearby owl garden instead, but, alas, no one seems too keen on the idea while still in their kimonos, in case an owl ruins the rented outfits.
“Our rent time is almost over anyway,” Yukari sighs. “Let’s just return them so we can eat something before heading over to the Golden Pavilion temple.”
“Didn’t we see enough temples yesterday?” Junpei complains.
“Just wait until you see this one,” Mitsuru says. “It’s one of the most renowned Zen Buddhist–”
Junpei cuts her off, not wanting a lecture. “Yeah, yeah, I got it. Let’s go already.”
“Did you buy what you wanted?” Fuuka asks, possibly trying to cheer him up, which works like a charm.
“That I did, the perfect gift for my Chidorita!”
As the boy starts another ramble about the love of his life, everyone goes silent, just politely listening as they make their way back to the rental place.
Ryoji might be the only one that pays attention to every detail of Junpei’s stories.
Because once again, Ryoji is hoping that Junpei's experience will give Ryoji some sort of enlightenment on his own feelings towards Makoto.
…
Thankfully, the trip to the temple doesn’t end up as boring as Junpei made it out to be, though Ryoji might not be the best to judge that sort of thing; he finds just about any new experience with his friends exciting after all.
By his friends' expressions as they stare at the building coated in gold, he wants to believe everyone is just as amazed by the sight as he is–even Junpei.
“Alright, I want a group photo!” Yukari decides, as she turns her back to them to approach a nearby stranger. “Excuse me, sir! Could you please take a photo of me and my friends?”
The old gentleman nods with a smile, taking the camera into his hands as everyone hurries to make a semi-circle to pose for the picture.
Ryoji immediately throws an arm around Makoto, excited to finally be in a group picture with nearly all of S.E.E.S.. Makoto doesn’t push him away, but the arm over his shoulder clearly startles him as they nearly fall over mid-picture–
CLICK
And the picture has been taken.
The stranger returns the camera to Yukari, and Aigis moves at the same time, stomping her way to be face-to-face with Ryoji.
“What were you thinking!?” she immediately yells. “That was dangerous! Makoto-san nearly fell.”
Ryoji startles, taking a step back. “I just–”
Aigis doesn’t give him a chance for defense. “Your behavior has been reckless this whole trip. You keep being a danger to him!”
Makoto removes Ryoji’s arm from around his shoulder. “Aigis, it’s fine, and yesterday was just an accident.”
“You nearly drowned in the pond!”
“The pond is barely a meter deep, Aigis,” Mitsuru says as she approaches, ready to mediate before they cause a scene.
This doesn’t calm Aigis down. “He is limping!”
“Our feet hurt from the sandals,” Fuuka explains next.
“Still!” Aigis frowns. “Too many accidents happen when he is aro–”
“Ai-chan!” Junpei chimes in. “Chill, it’s all good. Makoto is fine.”
This startles her a bit, but she doesn’t surrender just yet. “He was putting his whole weight on Makoto-san.” Aigis points out, grumbling.
At last, Makoto cuts in through the barrier of friends that now exist between him and Aigis, walking further and further away from Ryoji and standing in front of Aigis. “I was just surprised; he didn’t hurt me,” he reassures. “I’m strong enough to handle his weight.”
“I’m sorry,” Ryoji says for the umpteenth time to the girl who seems dead set on hating him.
And she finally closes her mouth and frowns as she looks away. “Just be careful,” is the last thing she says before leaving in the direction of the nearby lake.
“What can I do to make her like me?” Ryoji asks, exasperated. It’s like they take one step forward and then six steps back with every conversation.
No one in the group speaks up, seemingly just as confused as to why Aigis openly hates Ryoji this much.
“It’s not like her,” Mitsuru mutters. “She usually only harbors negative feelings towards shadows, like she was programmed to do.”
“I’m sure she will come around,” Akihiko reassures with a pat on Ryoji’s back. “Just keep working at it.”
Ryoji nods, trying to believe his friends.
…
The rest of the morning passes by considerably fast.
All gifts have been bought, and so have all souvenirs, so they spend their time trying out the local cuisine instead.
Ryoji gets to try out the matcha cafe he was curious about; the taste is odd on his tongue, and he loves it. Then, Yukari, who is the mastermind behind most of their itinerary, takes them to a different place to try Mitarashi dango.
Their last stop is Hanami-kōji, where they go to spot the Geishas, they get lost a few times on the way, but thankfully make it just in time to see them stroll through the streets for a bit.
Ryoji had thought that yesterday had been fun, but it had been nothing compared to spending time with his friends, choosing what to do as a group, rather than following his classmates and teacher while listening to tour guides.
And the thing he has been looking forward to the most today has yet to come. Ryoji’s hand trails to his back pocket to check if the gift is still with him.
Anticipation makes him fidget with his scarf on the bus back to the inn.
Ryoji really hopes that he will like it.
November 19, Thursday.
Afternoon
Fall doesn’t forgive or forget in the land of the rising sun.
Ryoji’s wristwatch indicates that it’s only five in the afternoon, and yet the sun is already threatening to set.
When the bus arrives, the rest of the group starts heading inside, chatting about what they should do for their last night in Kyoto: play games, go to the hot springs, or share stories with other acquaintances.
Ryoji doesn’t go with them, nor does Makoto, who walks up to Ryoji. “You wanted to go to the riverbank, right?”
So Makoto does remember the promise from yesterday.
Ryoji smiles. It’s fitting that Makoto keeps meticulous track of every plan he makes with his friends…another reason Ryoji is baffled is that Makoto dares to consider himself selfish.
“Yes, let’s go.” Ryoji doesn’t hesitate to grab Makoto’s hand and lead them down the stairs holding on until they reach the riverside. Yukari was right; the difference between here and the view from the top is significant.
Ryoji takes a moment to admire the scenery in front of him, and Makoto stays just as silent.
“Were it not for Yukari-chan, I would not have realized that we could come all the way down here,” Ryoji chuckles, making a mental note to thank her later.
“I like the view,” Makoto mutters next to him.
Ryoji nods. “The evening sun is so mesmerizing when reflecting off the water’s surface like this…and it’s so different from the view we get on the school's roof, where the water is so far out of reach.”
The sky, too, is different. On the island, it's cloudy and full of cold colors, mixes of blues and purples, meanwhile, this one is warm, oranges and reds, as the night threatens to fall.
And it’s these thoughts of the water and sky that remind Ryoji so much of the conversation he and Makoto had a week ago on that rooftop. The day he realized just how terrified Makoto is of losing people.
That had been the start of Ryoji’s attempts at understanding what loss means, how he learned that everyone deals with it differently, when comparing Makoto and Ken; their grief is so similar and yet so contrasting–as if Ken has already acknowledged it as a stage of life while Makoto still struggles with accepting it. How odd it is, that such a small boy is more mature than Makoto in some aspects, but perhaps it has nothing to do with maturity, just acceptance.
“The teacher said that this place used to be an execution place,” Ryoji says, remembering the rambles of the odd helmet man. “It seems that no matter where we go, death follows.”
Makoto tenses beside him, and Ryoji regrets his words. He isn’t even sure why he is thinking of this now of all times.
“...Is something wrong?” Makoto asks quietly, seemingly afraid of the answer.
Ryoji stares, unsure of why he is the one being asked such a question, but from Makoto’s point of view, he realizes that he has stopped smiling.
He shakes his head, “I’m fine, I was just thinking, and…” Ryoji hesitates, this isn’t what he brought Makoto to the riverbank for, but Yukari did tell him that honesty about how he feels is a way of opening up, too, so maybe it’s fine. “Would it be alright to discuss some of my thoughts with you?”
Makoto nods, his shoulders still a bit tense even though he pretends to be relaxed.
Ryoji breathes in deeply, readying himself to speak. “On the day I realized I had these powers and ended up in the hospital, I made a promise to you that I would stop death from ever coming your way; that even if it’s something inevitable, I would do everything in my power to make sure it never touched you. Do you remember that?”
Makoto nods again, slowly.
“And then you said I couldn’t promise such a thing.”
“Ryoji–”
“The sand in the hourglass won’t stop, the river keeps flowing…and neither of these are things I can keep in my hands. They, too, will slip between the cracks.” Ryoji feels himself grow weaker in his resolve.
“We didn’t die on the monorail because of you,” Makoto replies.
Ryoji smiles sadly. “I’m glad… but that’s not what I mean.”
“What do you mean, then?”
It’s a conclusion that’s been building up slowly, one that he can’t pretend is not the truth anymore.
“I’m realizing that getting attached is scary.” Ryoji finally says, voice softer as he plays with his scarf. “I met this small boy at the shrine who was grieving his dead mother, and I asked him what the point of praying was… but saying that made him upset, and I didn’t understand why. I realize now why he prays–and why you grieve.” He pauses, collecting his breath. “It’s a way to remember them.”
Makoto takes a moment to reply, and Ryoji waits for him. “It is.”
“But then, I think of losing the plants we took care of together, and my heart keeps aching terribly, and that’s nothing compared to…” the thought of losing you. He hides his face in his scarf, as he mumbles the next part. “All this just makes me wonder: What's the point?”
This really hadn’t been the plan when he asked to come to the riverbank with Makoto. He just wanted to admire the river and sunset with Makoto–to give him the gift–but it seems that now that he’s started confessing all these fears, he can’t stop himself from saying more and more.
Ryoji steadies his hands by gripping a little tighter on his scarf. “Now, I'm scared of losing everyone I have met, and I keep thinking…wouldn't it be easier to not care at all? Wouldn’t it save us all from this pain of anticipation?”
Makoto stays silent for a while, and Ryoji worries that maybe these thoughts were better kept to himself; maybe he is just hurting Makoto with his conclusions, and he would hate for this to be the reason as to why Makoto starts distancing himself again. “Nevermind–”
“It's better than the alternative,” Makoto cuts him off. “Being alone is no way to live,” he adds, looking a bit guilty.
Oh. “Loneliness… I don't remember ever being alone,” Ryoji replies. “You speak from experience. Is that why you surround yourself with so many people?” Even if Makoto also pushes them away and keeps everyone at arm's length from his heart, one can’t say Makoto Yuki is ever truly ‘alone’.
But Makoto doesn’t reply.
And Ryoji knows that can’t be the full story. Getting attached to others can’t just be a way to combat loneliness–it’s not that selfish . “Is that all it is?” Ryoji wonders aloud. “I don't think I like being with you just because I don't want to be alone. I think I spend time with you because I like you.”
It finally clicks.
Ryoji keeps speaking. “I don’t connect to others because I want company.” Slowly, he unburies his chin from the scarf. “I connect with others because I like them. Or… because I want to know more about them. Everyone is interesting in their own way, and every person I meet shows me a bit more of this world, and that’s exciting.”
Makoto chuckles softly, a rare treat. “It seems you’ve answered your own question.”
“It seems so.” Ryoji mimics the chuckle, feeling relieved as he finally reaches a conclusion about death and its meaning that satisfies him.
Death is tragic, and, no matter what, fighting it is a pointless battle, but Ryoji and everyone else in the world will try to delay its coming for as long as they can so they might spend a little more time with one another, with the ones they love.
Because the alternative of not even getting to know someone or experiencing something new is much more upsetting than the idea of losing them.
Ryoji’s logic is never wrong; the cycle of creation and destruction, of life and death, is an incredibly sad thing, but that shouldn’t stop anyone from enjoying the present while they have it.
He finally smiles again, and Makoto mirrors it.
That’s when Ryoji notices that the majority of people around them are couples… and his mind wanders to a new topic; is this how they feel too? Do they desire to love another more than they fear the inevitable grief of loss? Is love stronger than grief?
His gaze drifts from the couples back to Makoto. “More than anyone else, you are the one that interests me the most, the one I like more than anyone else. I wouldn’t want to miss out on the chance of getting to know you, even if it will hurt when we eventually part ways.”
Ah…the words that just came out of his mouth are a bit romantic, are they not?
“I think that sounded a bit like a love confession, ahah…” Ryoji laughs awkwardly, taking a step back before the rejection comes.
But no distance can now distract him from this new thought.
How right it feels, the idea of confessing to Makoto, because just like the couples around them, Ryoji wants to be that close to Makoto, to sit down, rest his head on his shoulder, and watch the sunset above them. Then, in the morning, wake up with Makoto in his arms again… Is that something couples get to do all the time?
He would love an excuse to be closer, to end the distance between them to…what else do couples do? It sounds exciting to experience, and there’s no one else he would rather experience it with.
But he shouldn’t rush into these thoughts.
After all, Ryoji doesn’t want to say the wrong thing; what if it upsets Makoto?
Makoto remains silent in the face of a half-assed confession, which just makes Ryoji feel a new sort of anxiety he hasn't felt before. Will Makoto push him away because of this? Fidgeting in place, Ryoji notices the lump in the back pocket of his pants–the gift that he had nearly forgotten about.
He could focus on that instead, changing the topic like other humans seem to do; silly thoughts of confessions can come another time.
“I almost forgot–I wanted you to have this.” Ryoji removes the item from his pocket and holds it up so Makoto can see it clearly before turning the key, and a tune starts playing.
Makoto's expression changes again, surprise, and Ryoji can tell it’s the good kind of astonishment.
“You mentioned that the one thing that upsets you during the Dark Hour is that your mp3 stops working,” Ryoji starts explaining. “I know you take comfort in music, so I wanted to give you something that you can listen to when the Dark Hour comes…if the silence ever becomes too much.”
Ryoji extends the box towards Makoto, and Makoto takes it with a short smile. “Thank you.”
Ryoji smiles back, and even though it’s just two words, he can tell that the gift is very appreciated. “Fuuka said something about how gifts are a nice way to remember someone, so I also hope that when you listen to it you will remember me and this moment.”
“I will,” Makoto says, before putting the box away in his pocket. “I have something for you too.”
That piques Ryoji’s curiosity, and his eyes fall to where Makoto removes something small from his pocket: a small stone statue from the temple they visited yesterday, the one with the balcony of wishes.
“For your room,” Makoto says, handing the gift over to Ryoji.
Ryoji beams; this might have just become his favorite day ever. “I love it! Thank you so much.”
He can’t wait to put the little statue up on a shelf and stare at it each night before falling asleep.
November 19, Thursday.
Night
Back at the inn, while wearing their yukatas again, it’s Akihiko who calls the two of them over.
“It’s not a hot springs trip if we don’t do a table tennis tournament at least once, so come on, Junpei’s waiting.” Akihiko grins, showing more enthusiasm about this so-called tournament than any other activity they have done so far.
The two of them follow along, and shortly after, the matches start.
Ryoji sits by the sidelines, entertained as he watches Junpei lose at record speed by Akihiko’s hand. Junpei whines as he comes to sit on the chair next to Ryoji.
When Ryoji gets up to try to go next, he quickly realizes that he can’t figure out the rules or how to hold the racket properly, so Makoto takes his place as Ryoji says he would rather watch anyway.
And it's incredible, this match between two powerhouses.
It doesn’t feel too different from the fascination he felt when watching Makoto during kendo practice, but now with a whole different sport.
The ball moves so fast between each side of the table that Ryoji has trouble even following it with his eyes.
And then, it’s over.
To everyone’s surprise, the end result is Makoto's victory.
“Well played!” Akihiko laughs, not too disheartened by it. “Your coordination is as impressive as always, Leader.”
“I didn't take you to be the competitive type. Congrats, dude!” Junpei slaps Makoto on the back in congratulations which makes the other stumble a single step.
Makoto shrugs in reply, but there’s a bit of pride in his expression, Ryoji can tell.
“Let’s head to the hot springs. I’ve heard there’s nothing like it after a good workout,” Akihiko says, stretching his arms from side to side.
“Hell yeah!” Junpei exclaims. “It's our last night here, can't let it go to waste!”
Their enthusiasm is contagious, and Ryoji finds himself also cheering loudly as he falls in step with the others.
…
The hot springs do not disappoint.
Ryoji has never felt this relaxed in his entire existence.
The four of them sit on some of the rocks, water up to their chest, with towels on top of their heads, and can barely bring themselves to utter a word. There’s only the sound of rushing water and bamboo tilting from side to side in rhythmic motion, and Ryoji’s worries seem to become null under such a pleasant feeling.
“Dude, I feel like my bones are melting,” Junpei sighs, sinking further into the water.
Ryoji stares at him in shock, snapping back to reality. “That's worrying. Should we leave?”
“It's an expression, don't worry, Ryoji,” Akihiko laughs.
“There's a lot of unique expressions aren't there?” Ryoji frowns, tilting his head. “I find them curious. Yukari once reacted to something I said by saying it made her skin crawl. How can skin crawl? It has no legs.”
“Dude…”
“You have a long way to go,” Akihiko sighs. “Have you remembered anything lately? Some sort of…vision or memory?”
This topic again. “I’m afraid not,” Ryoji replies politely.
Junpei shrugs. “Eh, maybe he shouldn't worry about it so much. If the Kirijo group doctors aren’t concerned, then I’m sure everything is fine.”
That’s what Ryoji thinks, too, and he is glad to hear someone finally agrees.
A few more moments pass; Junpei and Akihiko end up chatting about something between them that Ryoji is content with only listening since he doesn’t know anything about boxing or girls, at least not in a way he thinks would be insightful to the conversation…and there’s something nice about listening rather than participating. It helps him learn more about what others think…
Is that why Makoto stays quiet so much?
Speaking of Makoto… Even though he is usually silent, it’s been a while since he has at least given a small sign that he is listening, as is his usual.
…Something feels wrong.
Ryoji looks around them, his heart beating faster with each passing second as he notes Makoto’s absence. “Where did Makoto go?”
Did he leave without them? Why? That's unlike him.
The other two stop talking and turn towards Ryoji. “He was here a second ago,” Junpei replies, just as confused.
“Then where did he go?”
The bad feeling grows stronger.
Ryoji’s heart beats faster and faster… is this panic? He has never panicked before.
It’s not like anything is obviously wrong. Makoto might just have left–
“The bubbles!” Akihiko yells.
Ryoji immediately stares down, to the spot where Makoto used to be by his side, and still is…just under the water, with bubbles escaping his lips.
“Makoto!” Junpei and Akihiko shout in unison.
Ryoji thinks he yells too, but his own voice sounds so far away that he can’t tell for sure…it’s just someone underwater, so why does he feel so wrong? He is still frozen in place as Junpei and Akihiko rush to his side and start pulling Makoto up from the water.
That's when he finally sees Makoto’s face–his eyes are closed, his skin looks paler, and…he isn’t breathing.
Something doesn’t feel wrong.
Something is wrong.
And Ryoji’s world is going out of focus.
…
Do ten seconds or ten minutes pass? Perhaps it’s been an hour?
Ryoji can’t tell.
When did he move away from the water to sit on his knees on the stone floor? Did he put the towel around his waist or was it someone else?
That doesn’t matter, a small part of his brain reminds him. What matters is that the person that matters the most to him suddenly looks…different. Wrong.
Makoto’s head is lying close to Ryoji’s knees, eyes still closed, still pale, and not breathing, so static… so pale. Why is Makoto pale when the water is so warm? Ryoji knows that Makoto has always been a bit paler than most people, but this is still too pale for–
“Makoto-san!” Someone is yelling–a girl, he knows this voice, but he can’t place who it belongs to right now…why not?
Ryoji’s mind and heart have stopped.
Figuratively or literally? Figuratively probably, even if he no longer feels his own heartbeat, which was beating so fast just a little while ago, even if his mind struggles to form thoughts.
And he can’t help but think that maybe Makoto’s mind and heart have stopped too.
Figuratively or literally? Ryoji doesn’t want to know the answer to that.
The situation is slowly catching up to him.
Everyone around him is clearly panicking, in contrast to Ryoji, who remains kneeling, perfectly still, unable to look away from the emotionless, far too emotionless, face in front of him.
A thousand more questions form in his mind, and he isn’t able to voice a single one of them.
If Makoto isn’t breathing… and if his heart isn’t beating…
Is Makoto dying, or is he already dead?
And is it Ryoji’s fault?
Is this how Ken and Makoto feel when they blame themselves for Shinjiro’s death? Is this something that was out of Ryoji’s control, or should he have done something about it sooner?
What is this empty feeling in his chest as he thinks of something he took for granted suddenly being gone? Is this grieving?
Will he become like Ken, praying to keep the memory of the one he lost alive?
…And as his final question: What is Akihiko doing to Makoto’s body?
Akihiko is kissing him over and over again, but it looks weird, different from how couples do it because sometimes he stops to press his hands against his chest and–
Coughing.
Makoto’s mind and heart start again, all at once. Literally.
And so do Ryoji’s.
The world comes into focus again.
Like a puppet whose strings get pulled back to life, Makoto is suddenly moving, turning to his side, and coughing out water that was only moments ago trapped in his lungs.
Ryoji breathes again too, perhaps he stopped breathing at the same time as Makoto did because he goes dizzy as his lungs fill with air. Is this why he couldn’t move or speak until now and why the world seemed to be so far away?
How did he not pass out as well?
No matter. His hand reaches towards Makoto, he needs to hold onto him again, to feel the warmth return to his body–
“Don’t touch him!”
Ryoji’s shoulders are gripped tightly, to the point it hurts, and he is turned to the side where he comes face to face with Aigis, who has tears in her eyes and anger in her expression.
“Isn’t this your fault?” she accuses.
Ryoji freezes once more.
From the corner of his eye, he spots Junpei walking in the hot springs with the rest of SE.E.S., all of them wearing similar worried expressions, panicked even, as they kneel on the floor checking on Makoto in his stead.
“I…” Ryoji falters looking back at Aigis, unsure how to reply. “I don’t know what just happened.”
“He almost drowned,” Akihiko says next to him, helping Makoto to sit up slowly. “I think it might have been a heat stroke that made him pass out. Aigis, there’s no one to blame.”
“But you were there!” Aigis yells, her grip on his shoulders now hurt, and her eyes frantically look between Akihiko, Makoto, and Ryoji. “You were there and I wasn’t, and I would have made sure he was safe!”
Something unpleasant twists inside Ryoji, the earlier panic that hasn’t fully left him. “Will he be okay?” he mutters quietly, hoping someone will answer.
“Yes,” Akihiko replies. “But we should go someplace cold and make sure he gets some rest.”
Ryoji nods, unsure of what else to do.
Aigis loosens her grip, insisting that she personally carries Makoto back to his room.
No one tries to stop her, with tension thick in the air, as half of them are still wiping their cheeks of tears spilled amidst the panic.
Ryoji doesn’t protest either.
He simply follows from behind, quietly, trying to gather his own thoughts and emotions into something that makes sense.
One step forward into accepting death and its meaning…followed by five steps back.
…
Hours pass.
People crowd over Makoto, everyone fussing over him, including the teachers who get wind of the situation. Another proof of how loved by everyone he is.
The storm only passes once Makoto falls asleep, and everyone agrees that giving him some quiet is for the best.
Akihiko, who is both an upstanding third-year student and someone with basic knowledge of first aid, switches rooms with one of the other boys to keep an eye out for things.
Meanwhile, as everyone had spent plenty of time moving around from place to place, discussing the situation to the point it becomes something more akin to gossip, Ryoji simply stays lying down next to Makoto, staring at his resting face, observing the way his chest rises and falls–an indication of life.
It helps quiet the noise in Ryoji’s brain, full of questions that he doesn’t know how to formulate, and it stifles all the new swirling emotions he doesn’t even have a name for.
So he just stares.
One…Five…Twelve…
Spending his time counting each of Makoto’s breaths.
Twenty-three…Forty-seven…Sixty-eight…
Each counted breath is another stitch in the ripped cloth of ‘believing that everything will be okay’, and Ryoji hopes that with enough stitches, that belief will be true once more.
That the new worries will fall to the background, and Ryoji will smile again as he keeps encouraging everyone to move forward.
The ripped cloth can be made new again… even if the scars stay.
November 20, Friday.
Past Midnight
A few minutes after the Dark Hour comes and goes, in a blink for them, who are so far away from its center, Makoto finally opens his eyes again.
No one else is awake.
But Ryoji still is; he never stopped counting breaths.
Ryoji doesn’t hesitate to speak up in a hushed whisper. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
“No,” Makoto’s voice sounds strained. He doesn't bother to specify which question he is responding to.
That just makes Ryoji worry more. Unable to help himself, confessions spill from his lips in quick succession, “I have never been as scared as I was today. During our first battle, I was scared when you fell down, and I got my powers just to protect you–but this was much worse. When I saw you lying there, I thought that I had failed and that maybe Aigis is right: I am a threat to your safety.”
Ryoji was so sure that he had accepted death as a part of life earlier this afternoon, that cherishing the moment is important to not hold regrets in the future.
Now he isn’t so sure, because he almost lost Makoto far too soon.
In the most unlikely of places–it hadn’t been battle, or sickness, or anything that comes with some sort of predictable warning…it had been a stupid accident, right within Ryoji’s reach.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Makoto whispers.
Junpei and Akihiko had told him the same,when he sat down on his futon, unresponsive as he watched Makoto sleep.
It still doesn’t make him feel any better, even coming from Makoto.
“But you know, don't you?” Ryoji asks, feeling weak and powerless. “You know how it feels to blame yourself even if it’s not your fault.” What a sad way to understand Makoto’s feelings a little better. “Because I could have done something. I could have noticed something–I could have–”
“Ryoji. I'm here,” Makoto interrupts, his voice louder than before, making Ryoji realize he was nearly yelling in a room full of sleeping people. “I’m alive.”
This reassurance doesn’t help either.
“For how long?“ Ryoji asks, voice quiet again.
When Ryoji had eavesdropped on Makoto’s conversation with Ken, Makoto had never said he would stay forever by their side. Makoto just avoided the question with grace, as if indicating that he doesn’t believe that he will live for very long.
So then…How long? How long until Makoto leaves his side completely? How long until Ryoji has to learn what the meaning of a prayer is? How long until–
“For as long as I can,” Makoto replies, and Ryoji feels a hand intertwining with his own underneath the blankets. It does calm him slightly, to feel Makoto’s skin against his own, warmer than it was a few hours ago.
Still, Ryoji shakes his head against the pillow. “That's not good enough.”
Fifty days or fifty years? Neither would be a good enough answer for how much time Ryoji wants to spend by Makoto’s side.
Eternity would be the only correct option.
“But that's all I can promise.” Makoto tries to keep his voice neutral, but behind it, Ryoji can hear the sadness that comes alongside it. “If I tell you that I will stay for thirty years and then die within the next three months…wouldn’t that hurt more, to break a promise?”
Ryoji shuts his mouth; he hates that Makoto makes a good point.
He thinks hard for a moment until a different idea comes to mind. He squeezes Makoto’s hand. “Then, will you promise to try to stay alive as long as you can? That if ever given the choice, you will choose to live rather than die?”
Makoto avoids his eyes for a moment, and Ryoji thinks that he will simply avoid replying, giving himself plausible deniability, until eventually he pushes himself too far trying to save someone else–
“I promise.”
The words are uttered so quietly that Ryoji almost misses them.
It helps, even if just a bit. Ryoji sighs, smiling again. “Thank you.”
And he drops the subject, for both their sakes. They are far too tired to keep pushing it.
“Sleep well, Ryoji.”
“Sleep well, Makoto.” And at last, Ryoji closes his eyes and finds himself matching Makoto’s breathing.
In and out. In and out. In and out.
One. Two. Three.
When he falls asleep, their hands are still intertwined.
Dreams come, and they’re less images and more like sensations, memories, and thoughts about how their wishes align.
Ryoji promises he will stay by Makoto’s side for as long as he possibly can to protect everyone important to him, and in turn, Makoto promises to fight to stay alive, to not give up on himself.
Ryoji takes comfort in these specific promises, and sleep is surprisingly peaceful.
☾ ☾ ☾
November 20, Friday.
Morning
The morning comes in a haze for Makoto.
Images of the previous night are so blurry that he almost believes it all to have been a dream.
It’s the cold gentle hand wrapped around his own that ties all his memories together, evidence that the previous night did happen.
Makoto turns his face to the side, watching Ryoji still sleeping on his own futon. Is it subconscious consideration that led to not waking up with Ryoji’s limbs tangled in his own again?
Guilt pangs in his chest as he recalls all the panic he caused.
His understanding of the events is still a mess. He wasn’t conscious enough to understand all that transpired, but after he coughed out all the water, Aigis had carried him to the lounge, where people explained to him, over a cup of cold water, that he must have suffered from heatstroke, and, in the process, nearly drowned.
But Makoto doubts that is the case.
He is pretty sure that he simply…fell asleep.
Sure, the heat played a part in how comfortable he had felt, slowly melting in the warm water, more relaxed than he had felt in a long, long time. But Makoto doesn’t think he is suffering any of the usual side effects of going through heatstroke.
Not that he will confess as much to his worried friends.
First, because it’s embarrassing, and second because he really doesn’t want to bring it up anymore. It’s already uncomfortable enough when his friends fuss over him in battle; this has been much worse.
And there’s no need to worry anyway.
Now that he has had a good night's sleep, he feels more than fine.
…
No such luck in his life it seems.
His friends may not be near tears anymore, but they do keep asking how he is feeling or if he needs anything.
Since the school nurse didn’t come on the trip, the first thing that Makoto gets forced to do after breakfast is to go see Keisuke. The two of them are shoved in an empty room as they go through a few basic tests, like checking his temperature and reflexes, and it’s all sort of a blur to Makoto; he just sort of follows along with the instructions.
The conclusion that Keisuke reaches and shares with everyone else, classmates and teachers alike, is that Makoto is fine, and will make a speedy recovery.
Everyone breathes a little easier, and so does Makoto when the crowd around him finally becomes thinner.
In the lobby, as they wait to leave, Junpei and Yukari try to make light of the situation which he appreciates. Fuuka tries to stay polite by not laughing too hard at the jokes, while Akihiko and Mitsuru are nowhere to be seen, and things feel like they are finally returning to normalcy.
It was an unfortunate incident that they can all put behind them, to only bring up again as a silly memory at parties.
That is if Makoto doesn’t count Ryoji and Aigis.
Makoto may be oblivious and ignorant of many social cues, but if there’s something he has gained from his time in Tartarus, it’s the uncanny ability to know when he is being watched.
Things are still tense between those two, more than ever before, but neither utters a word on the matter when their focus is wholly on Makoto; neither ever strays too far from him, and whenever he feels himself lose balance or needing something, one of them is there in an instant, helping him carry his bag or offering a fresh water bottle.
He considers speaking up more than once, to tell them that he is fine, but it feels like it would be a pointless task, and he isn’t in the mood to waste energy on a pointless argument.
They won’t listen no matter how hard Makoto tries to prove that he is fine, especially since they have dubbed themselves as his protectors.
So, all Makoto can do in practice is suck it up, and pray that when tomorrow morning comes they will be over it.
November 20, Friday.
Afternoon
Another silver lining is that the trip is over.
So Makoto can just relax on the train trip back to the island.
He won't have to strain himself with walking long distances or climbing stairs, so there’s no need for Ryoji to keep offering to physically carry him from place to place or for Aigis to keep insisting that she carry all his bags, as Makoto has grown tired of politely denying both of them for hours now.
Inside the train, he gets a proper break.
Ryoji resigns himself to sitting next to Makoto and stays silent for the most part, glancing between the scenery and Makoto at even intervals.
At some point, Junpei comes by to invite Ryoji for a round of cards, to which Ryoji politely declines, seemingly more content with the tranquility where they sit.
Aigis, too, sits in perfect silence but is a lot less subtle about her staring. Yukari and Fuuka come over, too, asking if she wants to join them for a questions game, and her refusal is a lot less polite than Ryoji’s; she doesn’t even try and pretend that she refuses to leave Makoto’s side.
No one shows up to invite Makoto anywhere, and it clicks then, what his friends have been trying to do.
The invitations are an attempt at giving Makoto some peace and quiet, after everything that happened. He peeks towards the other booths, with a smile to the others in thanks, but it’s not like he minds the stubborn company all that much. He does prefer it to being alone.
And even though he wants nothing more than to take the chance to sleep again until they arrive…maybe this is an opportunity.
Ryoji and Aigis have been at odds for far too long, and it will most certainly affect their teamwork during the Dark Hour if it continues as is. As a leader, Makoto should at least try to remedy this a bit.
“We should play a game,” Makoto says, stealing the idea the others put in his head.
Both of them tilt their heads in unison, curious, and clearly interested to play.
“I will think of an object or a living thing, and you can ask a question. I will say yes or no until you figure out what I’m thinking about,” Makoto explains with a small smile.
It’s the first game that comes to mind, though Makoto hasn’t played it in over ten years; it had always been entertaining with his mom and dad, and the childish curiosity that the two of them possess tells him that they will enjoy it too.
Ryoji beams. “Sounds fun!”
“If Makoto-san wishes to,” Aigis stiffly replies, but the glint in her eyes tells him that she is excited too.
“Ready,” Makoto says after making up his mind. He glances at Ryoji. “Ask a question.”
“Is it blue?” Ryoji’s first question.
Perhaps this will be a short round. “Yes.”
Aigis’s first question is, “Does it serve a purpose?”
A question that’s very like Aigis to ask, and also a very hard thing to answer; what doesn’t have a purpose? “Yes?” Makoto replies, uncertain.
“Is it beautiful?” Ryoji's second question.
Makoto is slowly realizing this game is a mistake with these two. “Yes.” At least he thinks it is.
“Does it have breathing functions?” Aigis’s second question.
“No.” That rules out all living things.
“Is it vast?” Ryoji asks.
Makoto is startled at how specific that question is, and realizes, as he stares at Ryoji, that he already knows the answer. “Yes.”
And Ryoji grins back at him, in the way that Makoto now knows for sure that Ryoji could have guessed it a long time ago, since the start of the game perhaps.
Aigis doesn’t seem to realize the moment that the two share, as she frowns, deep in thought, before gasping softly. “Is it the sea?”
Ryoji chuckles, proving that, yes, he knew the answer way before she made her guess.
How? It’s not uncommon for Ryoji to know what he is thinking, but does it go as far as straight-up telepathy?
Makoto pries his gaze away from Ryoji to turn to Aigis and replies, “Yes.” There were only two things it could be at this point, after all, the ocean or the sky.
“Woah! Congrats, Aigis-san!” Ryoji claps, congratulating her with such a spectacular performance on his part, such that if Makoto didn’t know better, he would believe it.
The game moves onto Aigis picking something for them to guess.
This round goes for much longer; it doesn't take long to realize she has picked something very specific and practical, but figuring out what exactly it is proves difficult. Eventually, Makoto gets it: a flat-head screw
Makoto's turn again.
The third round is short again; Ryoji doesn’t take more than two questions to get it, and this time doesn’t let Aigis take the credit for it, most likely because he is excited to get a turn as well. Makoto had been so sure that dolphins would be harder to guess…alas.
It is Ryoji’s first turn.
It’s easier than Aigis’ at the very least, though still takes a while; they narrow it down to flowers after a bit, and, eventually, Aigis guesses the sunflower before Makoto can. It makes him a little upset that he doesn’t get it first. He had literally gifted Ryoji a sunflower phone charm.
This leads to Makoto getting a bit more focused on the game, wanting to get it right next time…and soon he forgets that the purpose of the game had been team building.
It goes on for an hour.
A pattern shows itself clearly in their choices; Makoto picks things that he finds comforting, Aigis picks things she finds practical, and Ryoji picks things he finds beautiful, so all of them get a bit faster at guessing.
Aigis pouts when Ryoji guesses correctly in her rounds instead of Makoto, but she seems like she is having fun, and Ryoji can’t stop chuckling whenever he gets something wrong.
Sure, Makoto might have gotten a bit lost in the game, but in the end, this has still been a successful operation.
The last round comes, and Aigis guesses Makoto’s last object: a bed.
Aigis scoffs proudly, Ryoji chuckles, amused, and Makoto smiles contently.
November 20, Friday.
Night
The game proves successful in one more thing; convincing Aigis that Makoto won’t break down anytime soon.
When they arrive at the dorms she excuses herself without much fanfare, mentioning that she needs to run a maintenance check after spending so much time away from all her tools, and Fuuka heads up to help her.
Akihiko goes out for a night jog, which somehow Junpei ends up roped into joining–something about a lost bet during a game of Tycoon.
Lastly, Mitsuru and Yukari head upstairs for a sleepover, smiles on both their faces as they talk about doing their nails together while looking through magazines.
That leaves Makoto with the task of checking up on Ken and Koromaru, as expected, to see how they are doing and if anything happened during the Dark Hour the past four days.
“Can I tag along too?” Ryoji asks, walking up to them.
Aigis might seem ready to leave his side, but Ryoji certainly doesn’t seem to share the sentiment.
He glances towards Ken.
“I don’t mind,” Ken says with a smile. “Ryoji-san sent me so many photos during the trip! I wanna know more.”
“Woof,” Koromaru barks, also seemingly fine with the addition to their party.
And so the four of them head out for a night walk.
…
During their walk, Ryoji tells Ken about everything that happened in Kyoto, minus the accident, all the way to the temple, and Makoto listens, interjecting with one or two comments at times.
The way to the nearby temple is calm; the breeze feels nice, and Makoto feels surprisingly at ease to be back, even happy, to exist in the place he considers home again.
…Such a contrast from his first day on the island, all those months ago, when he hadn’t even cared about being back in his hometown, deep down dreading the memories that would come with walking the streets of his childhood.
Now, all the memories, good and bad, are an important part of his story, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything–it’s what drives him forward.
The bench where they sit together when they arrive at the temple is a familiar and precious place too.
A place for him and his teammates to bond lately when they come on walks with Koromaru, and Ken confesses to the fact that he has been lonely without everyone else, and that he is happy everyone is back. Makoto smiles and reassures him it’s nice to be back as he listens to Ken’s report.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the park, Makoto can see Ryoji playing with Koromaru.
☾ ☾ ☾
“I understand better why you come here now,” Ryoji tells his furry friend.
It’s a chat he has wanted to have with Koromaru since the first time they came here, but they parted ways before getting a chance for it. Ryoji is determined to speak of his conclusions this time.
“The thought of being closer to the one you love, even after they are gone…” Ryoji sits down on the playground sand, not caring if it dirties his clothes. “To be alive is to want to stay close to the ones important to us, no matter how difficult the task is, is it not?”
Koromaru tilts his head, confused.
“I thought I lost Makoto yesterday,” Ryoji explains. “And that upset me. I don’t want to live in a world where he doesn’t stay by our side…but I have realized I don’t have the power to make sure of his safety, so I have to accept that someday I might have to also come to the shrine, just to feel closer to him again, won’t I?”
The promise that Makoto made eases his worries to some degree, but in the end, the fear that Makoto might leave him, sooner rather than later, has planted its roots in Ryoji’s heart, and he has to come to terms with it if he is to enjoy the present to its full extent.
Koromaru whines sadly.
“I'm sorry, I can't understand you.” Ryoji frowns, worried he said the wrong thing. “Did I upset you?”
“ Woof !” Koromaru replies by nuzzling his head on Ryoji’s leg.
Ryoji stares down, confused, and pets the fur between Koromaru’s ears. He takes a guess. “Worried for me?”
Koromaru does something akin to a nod, or at least Ryoji thinks so.
Worried… Ryoji glances at Makoto nearby, busy in conversation with Ken.
There’s no need to worry about Ryoji, he is not the one who almost died yesterday. In truth, Ryoji would much rather recruit Koromaru to his side to watch over Makoto and make sure nothing happens to him for a very, very long time.
“I will be okay,” Ryoji reassures with a smile. “I will do all it takes to make sure the one most precious to me doesn't leave…so will you help me in watching over him? I want him to make sure he stays with us for a long time.”
In reply, Koromaru moves away from Ryoji and barks happily as he twirls in circles.
“I’m glad to have you by my side too.”
And Ryoji knows it’s not just Koromaru. Aigis and everyone else who was just as concerned…the whole world cares for Makoto, and together they can make sure that he will stay breathing for a long time to come.
Ryoji gets up from the sand, with newfound determination.
He won't fail.
He won't be like the lonely dog who visits his owner's grave every Sunday.
And he won’t be like the two sad boys praying as a way to speak to their now-gone mothers.
And he won’t be the one to clear out Makoto’s room, to prepare it for another to take his place.
Makoto will live.
No matter what Ryoji has to do to ensure it.
…
But it’s easier said than done.
Ryoji gets anxious again when they reach the dorms, especially when they approach Makoto’s room and he bids him goodnight.
“Can I sleep over today?” Ryoji pleads. After all, how can he make sure Makoto stays alive if he doesn’t stay by his side?
Makoto doesn't reply but the door is left open as he heads inside, and Ryoji happily follows after. It takes but a second for Ryoji to jump at the opportunity to help set the futon on the floor, already looking forward to sleeping in Makoto's room again.
A few more minutes pass; Ryoji steals some of Makoto’s pajamas rather than go back to his room, and then they both lay on their respective beds.
“You are still worried,” Makoto mutters quietly, turning to lie on his side, an earbud in his other ear, but no music is playing.
“I am.” There’s no point in half-lies right now.
“But I am fine.” Makoto’s tone isn’t judgemental, but Ryoji can tell that it’s wearing on Makoto’s patience.
“I know, but…” Ryoji trails off. “I want to be there, in case another accident happens.”
Makoto sighs; he doesn’t sound annoyed, but he isn’t happy either. That makes Ryoji upset–is his presence such a bother? He thought that they enjoyed each other's company, that sleeping in the same room made the night a little easier, for the both of them.
“I can take care of myself,” Makoto eventually says. “And we can’t always be together.”
Why not? Ryoji wonders. “Why not?” he repeats, this time out loud, for he isn't one to keep his questions hidden.
The silence stretches, and Makoto must be considering what to say so he can push Ryoji away, and that makes Ryoji's heart twist painfully.
“Because I have other people that I need to spend time with.” Makoto settles on as an excuse. “And so do you.”
“But can’t we do that together too? Spending time in groups is fun!” Ryoji likes everyone after all, and he likes Makoto's friends most of all. They care about Makoto, too, and tell him new things about Makoto, new interesting facets that Ryoji wouldn't know about otherwise.
“Would you have wanted someone else there, during our conversation by the river?”
Oh.
“No,” Ryoji concedes with a frown. Those were thoughts he wanted to share with Makoto only.
And other people tend to have very personal conversations with Makoto, too, since he attracts that kind of honesty and sense of safety in others, where they know that he is someone they can rely on…
Ryoji doesn’t want to ruin that for Makoto; these friendships are important to him, especially if he is to ever find a place in the waking world as well as during the hidden hour… Makoto needs these bonds.
He opens his mouth to try and protest and has nothing to possibly say.
Makoto breaks the silence. “Do you not trust me?”
That’s a clear trap, and yet Ryoji replies, “Of course I do.”
“Then trust me to keep the promise I made last night, just like I trust you to keep yours,” Makoto says, in the same commanding tone of battle, and Ryoji knows he has no other choice but to believe it as truth.
The promise... It’s progress. It’s much better than the ‘it would be nice if that were true’ that Makoto had said to Ken a week ago when asked if he would always stay by their side.
It’s an attempt at staying alive for as long as Ryoji wants him to be, and Ryoji trusts Makoto to not break this promise.
“Okay,” Ryoji relents.
"Night," Makoto mutters, sleepiness already in his voice, as if a switch has been switched now that they are no longer debating.
"Sleep well," Ryoji replies, closing his eyes and letting himself enjoy one more night surrounded by the familiar smell and warmth of Makoto as he plays back the conversations from last night and today in his mind on repeat.
It helps, and when morning comes, he knows that he will be okay when they each have to go their own way, talk to different people, and experience different things.
Still, Ryoji wishes he didn’t have to go back to his own room tomorrow night.
