Chapter Text
Matt was on his way to the now-defunct offices of Nelson and Murdock to meet Karen. Her request surprised him. They hadn't seen each other much in the last two days, but they had spoken. He wondered what she wanted to talk about... and why there?
As he walked up the block he automatically homed in on her presence up ahead. She'd beat him there and it was with alarm that he realized she was anxious - her body practically vibrated with it - and Matt's hackles rose automatically as he pushed his senses out looking for danger. He couldn't find any external source for her distress, which allayed his fear for her safety, but didn't touch the feeling of dread that was beginning to settle in his stomach.
He moved on auto-pilot, ignoring everything in his immediate vicinity to focus solely on her, and relied on his abilities and the practiced artifice that came with years of using his cane to hide his true capabilities. He tried to keep his pace normal and his steps deliberate as he skirted a few groups of people and some trash that had fallen off its heap, but he wasn't sure that a keen observer would be entirely convinced by his act.
There was a red light at the last crossing and he used the wait to take a few deep breaths, trying to calm his now jangled nerves. Karen was safe he reminded himself, and in another minute he could hold her in his arms.
He moved quickly once he was inside the building. No one was around because of the holiday so he took the stairs two at a time, folding his cane as he went, and used his senses to survey the room. Karen was alone. She stood fiddling with the strings on the blinds as she looked out the window. Her breathing and heart rate were faster than usual, but nothing in her surroundings seemed amiss.
Matt stopped just outside the office and took off his glasses, putting them in his top pocket. Then he took a deep breath and opened the door.
Karen turned when she heard it open, feeling relieved and nervous in equal measures.
"Hey," Matt dropped his cane on a chair as he shut the door. "Is everything okay?"
The look of earnest concern on his face made her heart beat faster, and she realized she was probably giving off a whole array of confused signals at the moment. He moved a few steps closer, reaching for her, and she tucked herself into his outstretched arms, her heart full to bursting.
The warmth of his chest and the feel of his strong arms around her, his familiar scent, and the steady expanding and contracting of his rib cage against hers worked together to soothe her nerves. She breathed in deeply and relaxed into his embrace, feeling some of her anxiety ebb away.
"Karen," he asked quietly, "are you okay?"
"Better... now," she murmured, and she did feel better. Then the thought popped into her head that she wished she could always live right there in Matt's arms, and she felt something twist in her stomach. She needed him to know the truth.
"You said you wanted to talk about things," he kissed her on the temple. "Something's bothering you."
"Yes," she sighed. There was no point in denying it. She loosened her hold on him and took a half step back to give herself some breathing room. "It's important to me that I tell you something... something I need you to know," she forced herself to say what she'd been rehearsing in her mind for the past hour, "but I'm scared it will change the way you think of me." She closed her eyes and felt the sting of tears threatening.
"Karen," Matt inched forward and touched her cheek, leaning in to rest his forehead against hers. "There's nothing you can say that will change the way I think of you."
"You're wrong," Karen leaned back, breaking contact. He let her go, giving her space to move freely and she took advantage, taking two steps back so that her legs touched the desk behind her. "You think that, because you don't know, but it will." She took a shuddering breath and whispered, "It will."
He didn't respond, just gave her the time and space to say what was on her mind. She moved away from the desk, nervous butterflies taking flight inside of her, and paced to Foggy's office door and back. Matt watched her in his unique way, head tilted to one side, and when she arrived back in front of him he reached out for her hand, giving it a squeeze when she offered it.
Karen squeezed back before letting go. "You said a few days ago," her voice wavered, "how could you expect someone to give their whole self to you, while you held a part of yourself back..."
"Karen-" Matt started to reach for her again, to comfort her, but she stopped him with a step back and a shake of her head. He didn't understand what was happening. She didn't need comfort, but absolution. And she feared he couldn't... or wouldn't give it.
"Matt, there's something I never told you..." she stopped, her eyes suddenly ready to overflow. "You asked me to tell you the thing that makes me afraid. It wasn't only what happened to Kevin... There's something else. Something worse."
"You can tell me anything." His fingers twitched with a desire to reach for her again, so he shifted his stance and leaned back against her desk, gripping the edge of it loosely with his hands at his sides.
She took a deep breath. "Do you remember that night, when you and Foggy were fighting? You asked me if something had happened and I said-"
"The world fell apart," he interjected, a deep sadness welling up inside him at the memory of that moment in their lives.
She nodded and the first tears streaked down her face. "There was a man-"
Matt pushed off the desk with a jolt, jaw and fists clenching involuntarily. He stood stock still, his nostrils flaring as he breathed, trying to control his anger as his mind jumped to visions of Karen being assaulted in a dark alley.
"It's not what you think," she reassured him, guessing from his reaction the assumption he'd made. "It's..." she took another deep breath in and breathed it out shakily. "It's not something that was done to me... It's something that I did."
Matt let his breath out slowly.
"There was a man... The one who hired us to defend Healy. James Wesley."
"I remember," Matt said through gritted teeth.
"He..." she shut her eyes tightly against the memory of his hand closing over her mouth. "He threatened you and Foggy... and Ben," she sobbed as she said his name. "He threatened my dad. He said that if I didn't convince everyone I was wrong about Fisk, that..." she bit back another sob, "that I would die last of all, knowing I got you all killed."
"How?" the word came out like a growl.
"He grabbed me outside my apartment..."
Matt let out a low rumble of anger but Karen pushed on.
"I woke up in a warehouse. We were alone. He..." she faltered momentarily, then gathered herself and went on, "He put his gun on the table between us, to scare me..." she shuddered, "but then his phone rang and it distracted him. I... I killed him," she whispered, tears pouring down her face.
Matt's face briefly showed surprise before it changed to sadness, his mouth turning down with absolute devastation. He'd been bracing for something bad, but what Karen told him was something he'd never even considered. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to speak calmly. "Why," he said, heart breaking, "Why didn't you tell me?"
More tears wet her cheeks and she swiped at them carelessly with her hands. "You thought that I was good... That I was innocent." she closed her eyes tight, forcing even more tears out. "I was afraid of losing you and Foggy... this place... you were all I had and I thought... I thought that if I told you, you would-"
"Jesus, Karen," Matt reached out and pulled her into his arms. His heart ached and his body trembled with relief, and for what felt like the millionth time in recent memory he silently thanked God that she was safe and in his arms. "I'm sorry, Karen. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe." He held her tightly as her sobs echoed in the empty office around them, murmuring over and over again, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
Minutes went by while he held her in his arms. When the worst of her emotion was spent, Matt loosened his hold on her and leaned back, cupping her face. He leaned his forehead into hers and whispered, "I'm sorry you've been going through this alone."
She leaned back, putting a few inches between them so she could wipe her face and took what felt like her first deep breath all day.
"You're right, Karen. It does change the way I think of you," Matt said, and her stomach dropped momentarily before her brain registered the rest of his sentence. "You're stronger and more brave than I ever realized." He used his fingers to comb her hair back behind her ear, then pulled her close and gave her forehead a kiss, murmuring, "Come home with me."
Karen lifted her face to his in surprise and her heart fluttered nervously. "I thought..." she trailed off, not wanting to voice her fears.
"What?" Matt cupped her cheek and used his thumb to wipe at the remnants of her tears. "You thought I wouldn't want to be with you if I knew the truth?"
A few more tears streaked down Karen's face as she gave a tiny nod, chin trembling.
He let go of her face and put his arms around her, wrapping her up in another tight hug. "I love you, Karen. There's nothing you can tell me that will ever change that."
Karen sobbed against his shoulder.
"Nothing." He grasped her shoulders and stepped back, doing his best to look her in the eyes. "Do you understand?"
She nodded, a small nervous laugh escaping her as the reality of what he'd said started to sink in.
Matt hugged her to his chest again, lips pressed against her temple and whispered out loud what he couldn't keep inside anymore. "Thank God you're safe."
Karen squeezed him tighter, nodding her head, breathing easier than she had in days.
"Come here," Matt said, picking his head up from where it rested against hers. "Come sit with me."
With arms still around her, he walked them into Foggy's office and towards the couch. When Karen disentangled herself to sit one space over he said, "Uh uh," and dropped down, pulling her into his lap. "Be here with me," he murmured, burying his face in the hair at her neck. "I'm not ready to let go yet."
She let out a deep sigh and relaxed into him, putting her arms around his neck. She felt suddenly exhausted, her eyes swollen and her face hot, but the sensation of Matt's breath tickling the skin at her throat took her mind away from herself. She deliberately focused on him, each inhale slow and deliberate, every exhale a satisfied sigh. His fingertips brushed across her forearm, up her arm and down her side, eventually coming to rest on the small of her back where he used his hand to pull her body tight against his.
They stayed that way for a long time, breathing each other in, each cataloging the scents and sounds and feel of the other that comforted them the most.
Eventually, Matt broke the silence. He picked his head up from the crook of her neck and did his best to make eye contact with her. "Do you know why I told you about Daredevil?"
Karen sucked in a breath and her heart sped up. She shook her head.
"Because I loved you," Matt said honestly, and the butterflies in Karen's stomach suddenly took flight. "When I first started doing this... When I realized that I could help people who had no one else, I didn't look to the future. I didn't wonder what it would mean for my personal life. But then I got hurt for the first time... I mean, really hurt, and I had to lie to you and Foggy."
Karen leaned back to get a better look at him but he didn't want any distance between them. He wrapped his arms tighter around her torso and pulled her against him, inhaling deeply with satisfaction as he nuzzled her neck. Her fingers made their way into the hair at the back of his head and she gently scratched his scalp, nodding for him to go on.
"I realized something then..." he tipped his head back so that Karen could see his face. "That I couldn't do what I do in the dark, and have a regular life in the light. How could I share a life with someone without them knowing the truth about me? And at that time, I never even considered that I could let anyone know the truth." He bowed his head under the weight of the memory of feeling so alone.
"Not even Foggy," Karen's voice was quiet.
Matt picked his face up and nodded. "Falling in love was never part of the plan, so when I realized how I felt about you, I thought maybe I could have a new plan."
A smile broke out on Karen's face and she stroked Matt's uninjured cheek as he smiled back at her.
"By then I had people in my life who knew the truth about me... Foggy, Claire, Father Lantom... and with what you and I had been through together," he caressed her jaw, "I suddenly thought... the only thing stopping me from having a chance at a life, a real life with you, was Daredevil."
Karen bit her lip, her own thoughts of a life with Matt jumping to the forefront of her mind.
"I never doubted I could trust you... but I worried that people would use you to get to me, and I was right. When the Hand took you... it was my worst fear realized." He clenched his fists reflexively and Karen took one of his hands with both of hers, rubbing it softly until he relaxed it. She threaded their fingers together and gave a gentle squeeze.
"Growing up, I never thought about if I wanted to fall in love or have a family. If anything, I probably leaned the other direction because of how screwed up my own family life was, but when I realized just how much I loved you," he brought their still-joined hands up to his chest and positioned Karen's open palm over his heart, "I knew I needed to tell you the truth before it was too late. I only worried that I'd waited too long already, or that you didn't feel the same way about me that I did about you."
"You must have known how I felt," Karen said softly, her mind shifting from her hopes for a future life with Matt to recollections of times past when being in his presence made her feel like her heart was beating out of her chest.
"Knowing how your body reacted when I was around wasn't the same thing as knowing what was in your heart," Matt said matter-of-factly. "When you offered to walk me home that night in the rain... I felt like it gave me the first glimpse into your heart. It gave me the first real glimmer of hope."
"And now?" Karen asked, with a slight hesitation in her voice.
"I love you more than ever," he pressed her hand even more firmly against his heart, willing her to feel that it beat just for her.
Karen leaned towards him, feeling for the first time like they were on truly even ground. She couldn't help herself from touching him. She reached up and caressed his face. "I love you, too." She kissed him softly, brushing her thumb across his chin when he parted his lips.
Their lips moved slowly at first, each of them feeling the magnitude of their love for the other, and feeling deeply loved in return. When Matt nipped at her bottom lip, Karen couldn't help but grab his shirt, pulling him more tightly against her. His fingers found their way into her hair and she hummed with pleasure as the fingertips of his other hand ghosted across the bare skin at the hollow of her throat.
Matt loved the feeling of her smooth skin, and though he thought to himself that he could spend all night right there with Karen in his arms, he slowed the kiss, breaking away to nuzzle her cheek. He gave a happy sigh. "How are you, now?" he asked quietly, his eyes shining with happiness.
She pressed light kisses on his chin, his mouth, and the tip of his nose, and his mouth curved up in her favorite, eye-wrinkling smile as she took his face in both her hands and kissed his forehead. "Better. Always better, with you." She ran her fingernails through his hair, from his temples to the back of his head, and kissed him again gently on the lips. "You asked me to come home with you. Maybe we could pick up some food on the way and talk about that new plan of yours?"
Matt gathered Karen in his arms and let out a deep sigh. He held her for a long moment, breathing her in, before leaning back to look at her in his particular way. "That," he smiled, "sounds perfect." Then he gave a small chuckle.
"What?" she couldn't help herself, leaning in to press another kiss to his lips. "What's funny?" she asked, her lips ghosting against his as she spoke.
He tucked his face into the space between her neck and her shoulder, breathing her in. "I was just thinking, we should make a few stops along the way. Pick up some supplies. Figuring out a plan like this might take a few days."
Karen threw her head back and laughed, feeling suddenly like the future she dreamed of might be closer than she'd dared to hope. "I could definitely use some things from my apartment if we're going to settle in for a few days." She felt a jolt down her spine as she realized what the next few days encompassed. "It's Christmas," she breathed, feeling something between shock and amazement.
"Then we really better get moving," Matt grinned. "Just a few necessities, right? A bag from your apartment, take-out for tonight, food for tomorrow?"
"That sounds just right," she said, and brought their lips together for one more warm dance before they ventured out into the cold night.