Chapter Text
“I like you, kid.” The God of War says, speaking through a mouthful of a greasy diner burger. “And that’s not an easy thing for me to admit. I got a lot of hang-ups with you sea-spawn types, and you can thank your half-brothers for that. But that stunt you pulled with Medusa’s head? Fucking. Ballsy .”
“Thank you, Ares .” He says, looking pointedly at his companions as they glare back at him. Sore losers, the both of them. If a god could find the humor in it, why couldn’t they? “At least someone found it funny.”
Ares snorts, short bursts of flame shooting out of his nostrils. “Funny? That was the highlight of the last couple centuries ! Stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, but yeah, funny as hell.”
“That was just a spur of the moment thing, really.” He says bashfully, blushing lightly at the praise. No one had ever mentioned how nice Ares was. “I could think of a lot better than that, though. With time, of course.” It was nice to be appreciated.
Ares raises an eyebrow and pushes his sunglasses to the point of his nose. His blood red eyes flash in visceral interest. “ How much better?” The War God asks, and he thinks he can hear an undertone of excitement in his voice.
“With the proper planning, resources and time,” He says, gaining more confidence as his mind spins with unrealized plans. Had this… ingenuity , for lack of a better term, always been a part of him? If so, it was a damn shame that he’d been denying it. “Anything.” He says, a tremor of excitement in his own voice.
“Was there a, uh, reason you were here, Lord Ares?” Annabeth asks, frantically trying to defuse whatever was happening as she dug her heel into his foot under the table. “It’s just that, y’know, we’re on a bit of a time cru-”
“Anything?” The god cuts her off as if he hadn’t heard a sound, his eyes boring into his own and growing wide with possibility. “How confident are you in that?”
His mind goes only to Eris. “Exceedingly.” He says in return.
The god stares at him for what seems like forever. “How much to put you on retainer?” Ares says, folding his arms and leaning toward him.
His mind goes blank. “Retainer as in…?”
“As in I give you a name, information and resources, and you do something like you did with the head. Nothin’ dangerous or cruel, just something to really, really get under their skin.” Ares says, and in a flash of light his biker outfit vanishes and is replaced by a black pinstripe suit.
“What is happening ?” Grover whispers in horror.
“Fifty thousand? Sixty?” Ares continues, grabbing a briefcase out of thin air and laying it onto the table.
“Uhhh…” He says intelligently, completely thrown off by where this conversation had gone. “I’m not really-”
“Fine! You drive a hard bargain, but I respect it. One hundred thousand is as high as I’ll go for the year, and you owe me a favor.” Ares opens the briefcase and lays a legal contact in front of him.
He absentmindedly passes it to Annabeth as his mind pirouettes in shaky form. What was happening? How had they gotten here? Why was Ares in a suit ? This did not seem right. Gods shouldn’t be acting like this, they should be-
Oh.
Oh .
This whole time, he had been operating under the assumption that Eris’ insanity was an outlier. That the gods as a whole were the omniscient and sage-like beings they were depicted as. But that was the big secret, he realized.
It wasn’t just that Eris was insane, they were all insane.
He could work with that.
“While my legal team is looking over your contract,” He says, immediately feeling more confident as he steeples his fingers on top of the table. Annabeth and Grover both pause their perusal of the document to send him heat seeking missiles with their eyes. “I can’t help but feel… underdressed.” He sends a meaningful look at Ares’ suit.
Ares’ eyes widen in understanding. “Of course.” He says, snapping his fingers as his tattered clothes are replaced with a fitted, black suit similar to Ares’ own. He pats himself up and down, feeling the fabric between his fingers. It felt expensive .
This was just too easy.
Annabeth passes the contract back to him. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you should absolutely sign it. Full health benefits, 401k and a ridiculous severance package. You’d be stupid not to.” She stares at him. “I also want you to know that, at this moment, I hate you so much.”
“My lawyers have found your contract agreeable.” He says, turning back to the god. “I am prepared to sign it, except that I do have one demand.”
“Name it.” Ares says, his eyes bursting into flames.
This was just too easy.
“Let’s talk titles.” He smiles.
He decided he liked Ares.
“I’m retracting my earlier statement.” Annabeth says as they walk out of the diner. “I said I hated you at this moment. I was wrong. I hate you forever .”
“All we have to do is get his shield and the stupid scarf.” He says casually, trying to remain out of her immediate reach. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
“She’s not talking about that and you know it!” Grover yells from beside him, looking as if he was going to faint.
“Thank you, Grover.” Annabeth says, stopping in front of him with her hands on her hips. He instinctively takes a few steps back, she has the same look in her eyes that his mother got when she was really mad. “We needed to get to California and this is the quickest way to make that happen.”
She took a step forward and he immediately took one back. “No, what I’m talking about is you negotiating with the God of War to officially title yourself as… I can’t even say it. You got this, Grover.”
“MESSIAH OF OLYMPUS?!!” Grover screams in his ear. “I can’t even- I don’t even know where to begin, Percy. In my twenty-eight years of existence, I have never, ever seen anything like this.”
“You guys are overreacting.”
“Hold me back, Annabeth!” Grover lunges at him as Annabeth grabs him by the waist. For all his grunts of exertion, it doesn’t look like Annabeth’s having any trouble keeping him constrained.
“D’you see what you did?” Annabeth nods her head toward the feral satyr. “Apologize to him.”
“For what?” He exclaims exasperatedly. “It’s gonna be so funny when the council realizes that they have to call me that.” And they did. He’d spent thirty minutes ironing out that specific clause.
He yelps as Annabeth’s dagger embeds itself in the wall, inches from his head. “ Apologize. To. Him. ” Annabeth grunts out.
“Okay, okay!” He says, trying to defuse the sudden bout of violence that had bewitched the Daughter of Athena. He looks at Grover and takes a deep breath. “Grover, I am… sorry that I upset you.” Why was he even upset? “I shouldn’t have included that clause.” He regrets nothing. “It’s not funny.” It was so funny.
Almost immediately Grover stops his struggles, his wild eyes returning to normal as he offers him an easy smile. “Oh, that’s okay, Perce. Just think next time, yeah? Man, I am starving .” He calmly removes himself from Annabeth's arms and walks toward a garbage can, a spring in his step and whistling a merry tune.
He and Annabeth lock eyes for a moment, confusion evident on both of their faces. “What…?” He trails off, unsure of what to even say.
“You’re both crazy.” She decides. “But he’s not as crazy as you .” Her face turns white. “Oh my gods, my voice of reason is Grover .” She moans, hands rubbing at her eyes before she turns to the right, the abrupt sound of metal on metal breaking her from her misery. “Grover! Drop it!” She runs towards the satyr who’s funneling an entire garbage can into his mouth.
He’s about to go join them when he’s suddenly pulled by the collar of his suit jacket and taken to the side of the diner. He’s thrown against the wall with a force that he can only describe as both gentle and demanding.
So it’s no surprise at all when his captor is none other than Eris.
“This is kidnapping.” He says, taking a closer look at- was she crying?
“I’m so proud of you!” She wails, throwing her body into his as he’s pressed further into the aluminum wall. “You negotiated everything all by yourself! I didn’t- I didn’t have to do anything! Offer any advice or say a single word, you did it all by yourself!” She collapses into another fit of sobs as her head falls to his shoulder.
Hesitantly, he wraps his arms around her, awkwardly patting her on the back. “You- you don’t have to cry.” He says, trying to be comforting and failing miserably. “I mean- it’s not that big of a deal. So you shouldn’t cry. You should be happy.” He screams at himself internally as the words come out of his mouth. What was he supposed to say?
“I’m so happy!” The goddess cries, squeezing his torso so tight he feels as if an organ might pop. “Can’t you tell?” She lifts her head and looks at him.
“Not… exactly?” He says, trying to not embrace the feeling of how right it feels for her to be this close to him.
“I am!” She pecks him on the cheek as liquid fire courses through his body and his mind shuts down. “You’re amazing, my love!” Another kiss. “So much more than I ever thought. I didn’t think that was even possible.” A peck to his other cheek and he feels like he’s floating. “I need you. Forever and more.” Another and he believes a man can fly. “We are going to have so many babies.” Again and he is flying.
He’s in such a good mood that he chooses to entirely disregard her last statement in favor of just looking at her.
Even with her red ringed eyes and mussed up hair, she looks absolutely stunning; perhaps even more so with the sheer emotion pouring through. He, once again, finds himself at a total loss of words from just the mere sight of her.
Her smile is so wide it seems uncanny, but for some reason he doesn’t find himself put off by it at all. Eris is uncanny. She is a nonsensical mass of contradictions and oxymorons, the deranged ravings of a lunatic come to life, an impossibly confusing being that has more power than the entirety of the human race in her pinky and not an ounce of common sense.
She is so absolutely, unashamedly Eris .
And as she looks at him like a prophet before God, her body trembling before him in ecstasy from just being close to him with unrivaled pride and love shining through her majestic crimson eyes- he swears that, if only for a second, he can hear the unmistakable ringing of wedding bells in his ears.
In that moment- as he will recall it many times in the future as the exact second that everything began to become so right and so confusing - he stares at the abyss.
And slowly, so very slowly, took a small step down.
Into that abyss that he knows he will eventually call home.
The harsh buzz of tires against cracked asphalt rings in his ears as stares at the cards in his hand. The warm exhales of the albino lion briefly reach out to him every so often.
“Got any fours?” He asks Annabeth.
“Go fish.” She says, smirking at him as he curses and draws from the pile. “So, your mom’s alive. That’s gotta feel pretty great, yeah?”
He blinks owlishly, not expecting that topic to come up as he rearranges the cards to his liking. “Yeah. Of course it does.” He says.
Annabeth hums as she does the same with her own hand. “It’s just that, I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t seem very surprised when Ares told you.”
His eyes widen before he quickly schools his features, for some strange reason desperate to keep Eris’ existence only to himself. “I was just in shock. I’m thrilled, Annabeth. I’m getting her back. whether the lightning bolt comes with her or not, I don’t care.”
Thunder rumbles overhead as Annabeth eyes him curiously. “I believe you.” She says after a moment. Success. “That you’re thrilled. Not that you didn’t know.” Failure.
They stare at each other for what seems like forever. He’s not sure what to say, to double down on the lie or to come clean. Just as he’s about to spill his guts Annabeth smiles widely, topping him. “Relax, Percy. I don’t really care how you know, I’m just happy for you. Everyone deserves to have secrets.”
He sighs in relief as he leans his head against the wall. “What, uh, what about your family?” He says after a moment, laying his cards face down on the floor of the trailer. “You never really talk about them.”
Annabeth’s smile fades as she avoids his gaze. “Like I said, Percy.” She says in a quiet voice. “Everyone deserves to have secrets.”
He frowns as he recognizes how uncomfortable he’s just made her, shame washing over him. “I’m sorry.” He says in the same quiet tone, feeling as if he’d just made an awful mistake.
“It is what it is.” Annabeth shrugs. “I’ll forgive you… for a price.” She fixes him with a piercing stare.
“Um… what?” He says, not knowing exactly what was happening but willing to do what was needed for forgiveness.
“That you never ,” Annabeth starts with a steel tone. “ Ever ,” She leans forward, and not for the first time he’s reminded of just how scary she could be. “Tell anyone what you did in the Thrill Ride O’ Love.”
His mind blanks as he blinks rapidly. “Are you talking about-”
“Yes.”
“With the-”
“Yes.”
“But all the gods saw it.” He says in confusion. “That was the point.”
“Unnecessary casualties.” She says, blatantly taking her dagger out of its scabbard. “And as long as I live and breathe, no one else will be forced to picture that- that scene , in their minds.” The dagger slams down between his legs as he yelps in terror. “And so help me Gods, if Grover ever finds out, I will gut you like a fish.” She smiles widely and sticks out her hand. “Deal?”
“...Deal.” He shakes her hand before immediately scooching several feet away from her. What was it about him that drew insane women to him? “Grover would be fine.” He mumbles, averting her eyes when she stares at him.
“Grover is a puppy.” Annabeth says, glancing over to their snoring companion. “An innocent, sweet, dirty little goat-puppy who will not be drawn into your schemes.”
“He’s twenty-eight.” He says, nudging the satyr’s shoulder until the snores stopped. “He’s old enough to drink. He can rent a car.”
“And he’s still going through puberty. He will be shielded from you.” Annabeth retorts, picking her cards back up. “Got any kings?”