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Six times. Kotaro had screwed up six times today at practice. He should've figured his voice cracking while warming up was a bad omen. Every time Ken-san or a member of Vivid BAD SQUAD pointed out somewhere he was failing to so much as reach his usual threshold he ended up having another weak point the next run-through. Eventually he was becoming so frustrated that Ken-san suggested he take a break to cool off before continuing. Kotaro knows he said it so Kotaro wouldn't waste his time trying to brute force himself through practice while beating himself up about every little flaw instead of making real progress, but he was so embarrassed. Obviously he'd have miles between himself and Vivid BAD SQUAD in terms of talent. It was already that way before his "break" from music but now the gap was even further. The bridge between them was weak and wobbly and creaked under his weight with each step, threatening to snap and send him careening down into shark infested waters yet again. He loves music and he loves Vivid BAD SQUAD and wants so badly to stand alongside them without trembling with the anxiety he didn't deserve that privilege.
Seeing how riled up Kotaro was, in a bad way, Akito insisted he head back with Kotaro. They'd slept over a few times. They were dating, after all. It was a pretty recent development, so they hadn't been on that many real dates yet. It was easier to have home-dates and just have dinner at the other's house and then watch movies and cuddle. Sometimes it was more sporadic like this; sometimes Kotaro just didn't want to have to leave Akito just yet. Despite his sour mood Kotaro agrees as always. He stays mostly quiet when they eat and his brother insists they watch the newest Digimon movie. He's happy Takato always has fun when Akito is over, at least. Akito says he doesn't like kids but he's a good sport about humoring him. But Kotaro can't stop getting lost in his thoughts, bitterly nitpicking everything he did, getting agitated at every small mistake he made. Dropping rice down his shirt, sneezing during the supposed "best part" of the movie, peeling one of his cuticles too far, making it bleed. It felt like every little flaw was reminding him of how much of a screw-up he was. Once his mother finally insisted Takato leave the two musicians alone and go to bed, Akito looks at Kotaro seriously.
"Lets go to your room," Akito says, not meeting his eyes. He seems a little bit embarrassed. Kotaro blinks a few times before swallowing dryly and nodding. It was only ever really affectionate things that made Akito flustered, so was he maybe thinking of something like that? He finds himself feeling a little bit eager to be alone with him. They go to Kotaro's room and sit on Kotaro's bed. Akito's eyes dart around the room despite already being familiar with it. "Can you just lay down already?" he mutters. Kotaro giggles. All Kotaro can think for just a moment is how perfect Akito is. He wanted to be like him, but even more he wanted to be with him. Kotaro listens and lays down on his side, facing Akito. They could kiss like this or if Akito rolled over they could spoon. It was nice being tall enough to hold Akito that way, like they fit together just right in at least one aspect.
Akito turns to lay down next to him but before he does, cheeks a little red, he insists, "Roll over. Face the other way." Kotaro's eyes widen. His eyebrows twitch, suddenly a bit more nervous. Maybe Akito just...didn't want to look at him. If he was Akito he wouldn't want to look at him either, acne scars and dark circles, so he shouldn't be surprised by that. But if that was the case couldn't Akito just be the one to face away from him? He'll listen, of course, but as he does, he gets anxious. Akito settles in behind him. Kotaro clenches his jaw, expecting Akito to choose now as the time to tell him just how much of a disappointment he was at practice today and that he just wanted to get him alone before breaking up with him to spare him the embarrassment—
Akito wraps his arms around Kotaro's waist, sighing and pressing his face into the nape of Kotaro's neck. Kotaro yelps in surprise and his heart jumps in his chest. "A-Akito...?" he squeaks. Akito takes a deep breath, relaxing against Kotaro and taking in his scent and warmth. He holds him close, running his hands up Kotaro's ribs before crossing his hands over his chest. Kotaro feels his heart squeeze. Somehow, despite Akito not seeing his face, he feels so known. He feels like Akito was reaching inside him and holding the parts of him he finds shameful with the same care he regards his best qualities. He feels so vulnerable but also so safe. So this is what it was like to be held. To feel someone's selfless love and cherished despite all the wrong he's done—all the things wrong with him. He doesn't entirely know why, but he starts crying. Kotaro covers his face with his hands to muffle his little sobs but Akito is more than close enough to hear, to feel the way he trembles and curls in on himself.
"It's okay. Today was just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better," Akito says. If Kotaro had heard those words in anyone else's voice, it would be so easy for his anxiety and self-doubt to consume them and rip them apart, leaving them devoid of any meaning. Today was a bad day, tomorrow will be too, and every day after that. But it was Akito saying it, so Kotaro nods his head. Akito nuzzles his nose into Kotaro's hair and he kisses the back of Kotaro's neck. "I'm with you...I love you," he says, oh so quietly. Kotaro wails like he's been hit. Akito finds one of Kotaro's hands and holds it firmly. He cries until his tears run dry and he's just sniffling and swallowing mucus. Akito holds him the whole time, reassuring him without being too unrealistically optimistic.
He's jaded and typically his way of encouraging Kotaro is as brash as the rest of his personality, but he accepts that sometimes there'd be times he has to treat him as fragile as he really is. Kotaro isn't weak, but he also isn't resilient. Once hes been broken he takes a long time to repair, cutting his fingers on the broken shards and shaking so much he has to reposition them again and again. But Akito thought that made him all the more impressive for coming back anyway. Haphazardly stitched back together, seams ripping with the slightest force, he still ran to Akito and begged for another chance. Akito couldn't be the person to "fix" Kotaro, but he could help him steady his hands while he did it himself. Kotaro had seen him at his very worst, before they even knew each other's names by heart. He was determined to see Kotaro at his very best. There was no better way to thank him for enthusiastically supporting him even when he was so angry and ungrateful.
With a weak laugh, Kotaro says, "I love you. I love you so much, you know?" Akito laughs back.
"Yeah, I know." He hugs him tighter for a few seconds. It's so embarrassing to say, but Akito hopes this gives Kotaro a better idea of just how maddeningly in love with him he is.