Chapter Text
Remus spied on the other sides from the back of the common room. All the light sides were piled onto the couch and watching some boring Disney movie about true love or some sappy shit. Roman was smack-dab in the middle, sandwiched between Virgil and Patton. Even he had to admit that they all looked surprisingly happy. Usually at least one of them was bitching about one thing or another but now that looked peaceful, almost like a family.
Things hadn't been this good since the wedding. Maybe this meant that Thomas was finally getting over it, not that he cared. Whether Thomas was happy or disappointed it never changed what they thought about him. Virgil hated him, Janus tolerated him, Roman disowned him, and everyone else just pretended like he didn't exist most of the time.
They're only happy because you're not there.
The voices on his head said, making him jump.
Thomas is happier when you're gone. You should have just died when you had the chance, then at least they wouldn't have to worry about you ruining everything.
He shook his head and took a step back into the shadows of the hall. Roman shifted to put his arm around Virgil and his heart panged. Virgil had been one of his best friends only a few years ago before abandoning him to join the light sides. Virgil was just as bad as him, why did he get to be happy?
Because he's better than you. Everyone is better than you. One day even Janus will be accepted and you'll be left alone. All alone.
“ No,” He whispered, digging his sharp nails into his forearm hard enough to draw blood.
Janus only hangs out with you to keep you from hurting Thomas. He hates you just as much as they do and you know it.
He punched himself in the face to try and shut them up, a bright shock of pain blossoming in his jaw. He punched himself over and over, wishing that he had never let himself leave the dark side. Not even pestering his pissy prince of a brother was worth this.
They all hate you. Thomas doesn't need you. Roman is so much better. He actually helps Thomas achieve his dreams, all you do is hurt everyone around you. No wonder Thomas never listens to you.
The pain wasn't enough. He couldn't make it stop. Sinking back to his room he screamed, swiping all the papers and miscellaneous fluids off his desk and onto the floor. A glass smashed into tiny shards at his feet and he wondered what it would be like to roll around in it or better yet force it down Roman’s stupid throat. He wondered how long it would take for someone to stop him.
Not even a liar like Janus could accept you. You're worthless.
He screamed and screamed and pounded his fists against the wall until his knuckles were busted and bleeding but the voices only got louder.
Throw yourself into the sun, Swallow barbed wire, make out with an electric fence, cover yourself in honey and let a bunch of wild bears eat you alive, bury yourself in salt, drown in a puddle of molasses, jump in front of a moving train-
Finally he lifted his morning star above his head and smashed his head into the metal spikes, tears mixing with blood as he collapsed onto the floor in a heap. Everything went black and the voices finally stopped.
_________
He slowly blinked himself awake, groaning at the intense pounding in his head. As his mind slowly started working again he realized that he was laying on the dark side couch. He reached up and felt the bloody bandages wrapped tightly around his head and frowned. They were fresh.
“ Looks like you're not brain-dead after all.” Janus said, his voice smooth and familiar. Remus snapped his head towards the kitchen and found Janus leaning against the wall, a fiery look burning in his eyes.
“ Dee dee!” He said, forcing himself to sit up despite the horrible ache in his head. “ Awww, did you finally decide to check in on me or were you hoping for something more juicy? OoOo, did you fuck me while I was unconscious? You know you could have just asked. ” He said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Janus just rolled his eyes.
“ I totally didn't hear you screaming bloody murder and decide to make sure you were still in one piece.” Janus lied, walking over and shoving his legs off the couch to sit beside him. “ Are you okay?”
“ I'm great Dee! Just trying out new ways to smash Roman’s head in.” He said, smiling to himself at the thought.
“ I know when you're lying Remus, I'm literally the embodiment of deceit.” Janus stated, giving him a hard look. “ What really happened?”
“ Why do you want to know? It's not like you care about me.” He asked with a pout, hugging his knees to his chest.
“ You know that isn't true.” Janus said, sighing heavily. “ We're a family Remus, of course I don't care if you smash your head open.”
“ Don't you even try lying to me Jan, you know we haven't been a real family since Virgil left.” He said, glaring at the deceitful side even as the tears started to blur his vision.
Janus looked taken aback for a second but quickly collected himself, sighing again as if he was exhausted. A pang of guilt ran through him and he hid his face in his knees. A single tear ran down his cheek and he wiped it on his pants.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
After a minute Janus put an arm around him and started to rub circles over his back. He could practically feel his resolve slipping away, getting closer and closer to breaking down.
“ I'm not leaving until you talk to me, Rem.” Janus said, his expression serious with a very un-Janus-like tinge of concern.
They sat there in silence for a long moment, minutes ticking by like hours, before Remus finally broke. Tears poured down his cheeks and he whimpered pitifully, feeling like his heart was being twisted and pulled out of his chest. Janus pulled him closer and gently ran his fingers through his hair, letting him hide his face in his chest.
“It's frustrating to be ignored, isn't it darling?” Janus asked, his voice noticeably softer. “ It's hard to be rejected over and over because of things you can't control.”
He nodded against Janus’s chest, gasping between sobs. His heart hurt worse than any physical pain he could inflict and he hated it. He hated that he cared what they said about him but he did. He wanted to be accepted but he was defective, only half of a whole. Thomas would never accept him for who he was. Ever. No matter how hard he tried. Roman would always be the hero and he would always be the villain.
You'll never be good enough. Virgil left because of you. It's all your fault. Roman was right to abandon you.
“ Are your thoughts bothering you again?” Janus asked and he nodded, scrubbing his snotty face on Janus’s caplet. “ You should have told me, I would have helped.”
“ You were acting so weird after the whole wedding shit-show and I didn't want to make it worse.” He admitted, holding onto Janus like a lifeline. “ It hurts Jan. It hurts so fucking much and I don't know what to do. Vee is gone and you hardly even talk to me anymore. I can't even go bother the others because every time I look at Roman I want to throw myself into an active volcano! How fucking sad is that?”
“ Oh darling, I never meant to ignore you. ” Janus reassured, his voice wavering slightly in a rare show of emotion.
“ I know!” He suddenly shouted sitting up to look at the deceitful side. “ I know how much the wedding hurt you, how much it hurt everyone! I thought if I left everyone alone that it would get better but- look at us Jan! Look at Thomas! We've failed him. . . I failed him.”
He and Janus stared at each other for a long moment, hurt swirling between them like some sort of disgusting sadness tornado, until Janus sighed and slouched into the couch, looking more worn out and exhausted than Remus had seen in a long time.
“ I'm sorry, Rem. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore.” Janus said, looking down at his lap. “ I try to help Thomas and I only hurt him more. I can't protect him from everything, just like I can't make your thoughts stop or convince Virgil to come back. All I can do is try to keep Thomas safe and even that can only get me so far when everyone thinks I'm the devil incarnate. All I have is my own lies. . . and you. So please, come to me next time, because I totally don't care about you or anything.”
Remus couldn't help but laugh at how uncomfortable Janus looked. The dark sides didn't do emotions and especially not Jan.
“ Awww, dee,” Remus cooed, the corners of his lips pulling into a smile. “ That was disgusting but I love you too.”
He pulled Janus into a tight hug and took a deep breath. Janus relaxed into the touch, gently playing with the curls as the base of his neck. The others might have hated him and Thomas might not need him but with a friend like double dee around, who needed them anyway?