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Too Much Loss (6x12)
Ua Ola Loko I Ke Aloha (Love Gives Life Within)
Death was inevitable as it was a part of life but the amount of loss that Steve had experienced in his life was absolutely heart breaking which was why Danny had gotten on the first flight that he could to get back to the island when Lou had called with the news that Deb McGarrett had passed away with Steve at her side.
Danny hoisted his duffel bag up affixing the strap on his shoulder again as he hurried through the hoards of people in an effort to get out of the airport as he had already used his badge to bypass security. "Excuse me... Move." He angrily spoke as he resisted muttering unpleasant words about unmoving and stupid people who continued to be in his way. Emerging out of the airport made him squint as the bright sun light assaulted his eyes causing them to sting and burn even more as they had already been aching and irritated from a lack of sleep.
"Williams! Over here!" Lou bellowed loudly with a wave as he lent against the fender of his SUV having taken it upon himself to do the airport pick up as Steve had been the one to drop Danny off only days ago.
"Lou." Danny was relieved to see Lou but he was still anxious and concerned and he wanted to get to Steve as soon as he possibly could. "How are Steve and Mary doing?" He asked without hesitating.
"Get in the car... I am taking you straight to McGarrett's." Lou ordered as he pushed himself up and headed round to the driver's side unsurprised when Danny propelled himself forward towards the passenger's seat.
The lack of answer from Lou did not help Danny and as soon as he was in the car and Lou was pulling away from the curb he looked over at the Chicago native. "Lou." His tone was sharp, unyielding, and there was a hint of warning in it.
Lou was not the least bit intimidated but he understood the franticness that Danny had nor could he blame him for it as he had witnessed time and time again the strength of the bond that Steve and Danny had. "Steve is doing what he always does which is put everyone else first... It's an admirable quality but its also a dangerous one." He changed lanes so he could take the next turn off and if he was pushing past the speed limit then he would claim it was an emergency if anyone asked. "Mary is a mess so he is trying to keep her together and look after Joanie all at once... and he is trying to do it all himself as he is not accepting any help."
A soft sigh left Danny and he rubbed at the bridge of his nose as he realised he was up against it as Steve was trying to avoid grieving for Deb by focusing all of his energy of everyone and everything else. "That certainly is him." He pressed his fingertips into the bridge of his nose a little harder. "Has he talked to you or anyone?" He was not naive enough to think that Steve only spoke to him hence his question.
Lou spared a few seconds to look at Danny with his 'really?" face before he returned his attention to the road ahead. "No. I think the only reason he told anyone was because he had to take some time off... and your lectures about him going AWOL might have finally sunk in."
A dubious hum left Danny at Lou's words and he let his hand fall down into his lap as he idly wondered what would have happened if he was on the island and if Steve would have reached out to him. "Do you..." He paused to clear his throat as he had been unable to shift the lump that had formed the moment he had gotten the news. "Was it peaceful?" The details had not been forthcoming during the phone call notification but then again at the time Lou probably did not have any other details beyond that Deb had died as she had succumbed to her cancer.
"Mary told Renee that Steve went up to get Deb for the pancakes she was making for breakfast and that she died with Steve by her side." Lou told Danny what he knew which by his own admission was not very much. "It's all I know... It didn't seem right to push for any more details."
There were equal parts of relief and dismay at the answer Lou gave Danny because he knew Steve needed the closure that came with being with Deb but he also knew that Steve was in no way ready to let go of yet another family member which had been evident when Deb had told Steve of her diagnosis and it was completely understandable given all that Steve had lost in his lifetime. "I hope it was." They all deserved for it to be peaceful.
Lou glanced across at Danny holding it for a few prolonged seconds before he looked back at the road ahead as there was still a while to go before they reached Steve's house. "I am sorry that you had to cut your trip short... Did you at least have an enjoyable time until I phoned?" He decided to attempt to shift Danny's attention momentarily although he doubted it could really be done.
Danny pushed himself up a little higher and arched his back in an effort to stretch it out and ease the ache that had settled in as he had been sitting for far too long before he settled back down. "I wish I was here so you did not have to make that call." So Steve was not alone went unsaid but he doubted it went unheard. "It's a strange feeling."
"What is?" Lou asked somewhat perplexed by Danny's declaration as they came to a complete stop as traffic was at a standstill which he silently cursed.
"I love going home and seeing my family but I also love coming home to my family here too... It's a strange feeling." Danny's voice sounded distant even to his own ears as he looked out of the window seeing that they were unmoving which made him frown unhappily as it was only delaying him further from getting to and being with Steve (and Mary and Joanie). "Why aren't we moving?"
Lou was going to ignore the sharpness of Danny's tone as he knew it was born out of concern and anxiousness. "We will be moving again soon." He assured Danny hoping he was right as he craned his neck trying to see what was holding the traffic up to no avail. "You know I am pretty sure McGarrett would like to hear what you said about coming home."
A soft albeit wry smile tugged at the corner of Danny's lips as he could just picture the joyous look on Steve's face that Steve got whenever he referred to the island as 'home' which he had been doing more frequently in the past couple of years as the pineapple infested rock had become home. "Yeah, yeah, usually he would but I don't think he will care about it one bit today." He flapped his hand out in front of him haphazardly as there would be so many more important things on Steve's mind. "Thank god." He grumbled as they finally started moving again and not just inches but several car lengths.
A light and short chuckle left Lou at Danny's grumbled words although he was relieved that they were moving again as the tension radiating off of Danny was palpable and it was only growing worse the longer it took. "You know you deflected answering my question about if you at least had a nice time." He steered the conversation back around in an effort (a poor one at that) to distract Danny once more.
Danny snorted indignantly as he knew what Lou was doing but he also appreciated it. "I know you know that trying to distract me is not going to work." He muttered shifting uneasily in the seat again as he glared at Lou who was his usual unflappable self. "But it was good just like it always is. There is something comforting about being back in New Jersey listening to Ma and Pop and seeing everyone else." He could not stop the small grin from rising but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared as it was not a time to be happy.
Lou did not miss the way Danny closed himself off the moment he had stopped speaking but he decided to let it be despite how much he wanted to address it. "Is there anything that you can think of that you would like me to pick up?" He asked guessing Danny probably had some ideas about how Steve and by extension Mary and Joanie needed looking after which he was sure included a good hearty home cooked meal, and he was not opposed to doing a grocery run.
"No... I am just going to see where things are at before I make any plan or decision." Danny shook his head even though he appreciated Lou's offer but he was acutely aware that he had to let Steve dictate how things went depending on how things were at the McGarrett house. "But I will let you know. Thanks Lou." He knew that any of the Ohana would help in any way they could as it was what they did. "However I would really appreciate if you sped up getting me to Steve sooner."
Lou rolled his eyes but accelerated anyway as the traffic had receded so the road was clear ahead. "You are used to McGarrett's driving." And it could be some scary driving even just to watch when he was following behind let along in the passenger's seat but after so many years it would make sense that Danny was used to it.
Danny shrugged and let the silence fall over him and Lou as his anxiety was getting the best of him despite how hard he was trying to control it. He curled his hands into fists digging his fingernails into his palms hard enough to cause just enough pain to keep his anxiety from crippling him as it was the last thing he or anyone else needed to deal with. It was only after several minutes that he realised he had fallen into the routine of combat breathing just as Steve had taught him years before and it still helped despite how well used it was.
Lou let the silence be until he pulled to a stop in front of the McGarrett home and then he turned to Danny who had not moved. "Are you going to go in and see your boy or are you going to sit here for longer?" He asked hoping to prompt Danny into moving as he had thought that Danny would have been out of the vehicle as soon as or even before he had come to a stop.
Danny had zoned out not even realising they had stopped or that they had arrived at Steve's house until Lou's voice pulled him out of his musings. "Thanks Lou." He hurried to get his seatbelt off, grab his duffel bag and get the door open all at once.
"Hold on." Lou hurried to calm the flurry that Danny had suddenly become as doing too many things at once would only result in him hurting himself. One click and the seatbelt was undone freeing Danny from the confines of it. "Go, be with your boy and let me know if you or them need anything."
"You're not staying?" Danny asked once he was out of the car with his duffel bag strap over his shoulder once again as he held onto the door.
"No, your boy doesn't need crowding right now." Lou figured that Steve could do with Danny's company and only Danny's for a while before he and everyone else rallied around the three McGarrett's. "Now go."
"Thanks Lou." Danny reiterated before he stepped back and closed the door and he was not surprised when Lou drove away almost immediately leaving him standing alone.
It took a few seconds for Danny to move forward but when he did it took very little time for him to close the distance to the house. The moment he stepped on the lanai he cringed as he could hear Joanie's crying and then there was the sound of a door slamming followed by Steve's shout of 'Mary'. "Oh babe." He muttered idly wondering how bad things really were beyond the front door and it propelled him forward to the door as he let himself in just as he always did. The scene in front of him was shocking yet not surprising as Steve was stood in the middle of the living room with a flushed, screaming and squirming Joanie in his arms whilst looking upstairs where Danny was guessing Mary had disappeared (stormed off) to, and Steve's house was a mess with toys scattered about as well as dirty dishes which was highly uncharacteristic given Steve's incessant need for neatness and cleanliness.
Carefully Danny let his duffel bag drop down to the ground once he had closed and locked the front door behind him. "Steve, babe." He kept his voice soft as he approached although it was hard to hear anything over Joanie's screaming but as he got closer he could see Steve's red rimmed eyes. The dark circles beneath his eyes, the stress evident just as much as the gauntness was, and it was very clear that Steve was barely holding himself together. "Steve, babe, hey." He said a little louder just as he reached Steve and finally had Steve's attention.
Steve turned to Danny and let out a shuddered breath. "Danno..." His voice cracked unbidden as he quickly looked between Joanie and the mezzanine floor as Mary was overwhelmed by her grief for Aunt Deb and trying to take care of Joanie who was understandably unsettled with all of the commotion and emotions of the past thirty hours or so.
"Yeah babe, I'm here. Danno's here." Danny confirmed reaching up to squeeze the nape of Steve's neck as he could see the pain that Steve was doing his upmost to conceal. "Let me take Joanie babe." He was hesitant to take Joanie from Steve however it was abundantly clear that Steve needed some respite.
Without an ounce of hesitation Steve passed Joanie over to Danny then pressed a kiss to her head before he stepped back only then hesitating as it was not fair to leave Danny who had just arrived with a screaming and non-compliant Joanie.
Danny immediately started swaying and rubbing his hand over Joanie's back in an effort to calm her as she was barely drawing in any air as she was so hysterical. "Come on sweet girl." She was confused and overtired and her small hands grabbed helplessly at his shirt. "Steve, babe." He had seen Steve step back and then stop as if he was not sure what to do. "Go sit outside and take some time for yourself... I'll get Joanie settled for you." As much as he did not want to let Steve out of his sight he could see that Steve desperately needed a break.
"Ah... uh... y-y-yeah." Steve stuttered as he scrubbed his hand over the side of his neck relieved that Danny was giving him a momentary out before he began to follow Danny's instructions as he headed for the door to the backyard so he could sit on his Adirondack chair and just look out at the ocean for a little while.
It was hard to watch Steve walk away as Steve looked so dejected and lost but Danny had a screaming and squirming Joanie in his arms so getting her settled took precedence for the moment as getting her settled would help Steve and Mary. "Okay sweetie you are tired and cranky and in desperate need of a nap." He murmured softly as he did a bounce and sway motion continuously. "Come on sweet girl." He rubbed his hand over her back continuing to move softly as he did his upmost to settle her.
It took almost half an hour of softly murmured words, the bounce and sway motion and back rubbing by Danny for Joanie to finally settle down into a soft slumber. With the upmost gentleness Danny, after he had carefully navigated the mess across the floor, laid Joanie down in the pack 'n play that had been set up in the corner by the desk. "There we go sweet girl." He whispered as he tucked the light white blanket with soft pink hearts all over it around her hoping she would sleep for a while if not right through till the morning.
Danny stepped back from Joanie having to be careful not to step on anything as he did not want to risk waking her and frowned as he looked out into the backyard to see Steve was sitting in his chair on the beach front before he looked up the stairs wondering if he should check on Mary or leave her to be for a while. His concern remained but he knew that if he did not check on Mary then Steve would fret even more than he already was so with that in mind he headed for the stairs and began to climb them doing his upmost to recall and avoid all of the squeaks and creaks so not to disturb Joanie. He stopped in front of the bedroom door that he knew Mary inhabited when staying with Steve and listened intently for a few seconds to hear nothing but silence. "Mary." He called quietly as he knocked lightly on the door then waited for a few seconds as no answer was forthcoming so he cracked the door open and poked his head in just enough to see that Mary was curled up in a ball with tear stained cheeks and sleeping soundly. "Did no one sleep around here?" He murmured quietly to himself as he tip toed further into the bedroom then picked up the light grey knitted blanket from the corner of the bed and shook it out before he draped it over Mary making sure she was tucked in much the same as her daughter was downstairs. "Sleep tight Mary." He whispered before sneaking back out of the room, closing the door behind himself and navigating his way back down the stairs just as carefully.
It took a couple more minutes for Danny to check on Joanie who was still sleeping soundly then to gather a couple of Longboards from the fridge before he meandered out towards Steve. "Hi babe." His voice carried as he called out when he was half way across the lawn which he had done purposefully so Steve could prepare himself and not be startled.
Steve hurriedly wiped his face as Danny's words pulled him from his thoughts. "Hey." He cleared his throat but it did very little to help. "It's quiet."
"Joanie and Mary are both sleeping babe." Danny informed Steve as he set both unopened bottles of beer down on the small wooden table then sat down in his chair. He angled himself so that he was facing Steve and he took in the sight of Steve for a minute or so before he reached out and laid his hand on Steve's wrist letting his thumb rub small circles over the jut of his wrist bone ignoring the tremble he could feel for the moment. "I'm sorry I wasn't here babe."
Steve shook his head softly despite the headache he had and he moved his arm until he could hold Danny's hand in his own. "There was nothing that you or I could have done." He spoke through his hoarse voice before his breath hitched. "Aunt Deb died Danno." His voice shook and he ducked his head as those words left a bitter taste in his mouth. "I had to tell Mary."
Danny tightened his hold on Steve's hand as the pain in Steve's voice was indescribable. "I am so sorry." He murmured quietly.
"Deb knew, she knew, it was her time... I could see it in her eyes." Steve sniffled as he swallowed thickly then rubbed his free hand harshly over his face ignoring how sticky and blotchy his skin felt. "She knew. She looked at me, gave me a smile and a small wave, and then... and then she just... she just... she closed her eyes... and she was gone." The tears slid silently down his cheeks and a choked sob ripped from his chest was unstoppable. "We were supposed to have breakfast together..." He trailed off with another choked sob before he violently shuddered. "We were supposed to have more time Danno."
"Deb knew you were there and that she was not alone babe." Danny was sure that Deb not being alone was what was important but he was still concerned about the toll it had taken on Steve. "And you made some really special memories with the time you had left Steve."
Steve scrubbed his hand over his face a little harsher before he blew out a nasally sounding breath. "I think she came out here with Mary and Joanie knowing she was not making the trip home." He stopped and stole a quick look out at the ocean before he returned his eyes to the sand. "I checked." He choked on another sob. "There were only two return tickets bought for Mary and Joanie."
Danny exhaled softly and closed his eyelids for a few seconds before he opened them again looking directly at Steve who had folded a little more into himself. He shifted around and laid his other hand around the nape of Steve's neck letting his fingertips dig into the tense muscles just as Steve took another shuddering breath in.
"I am tired of losing people Danno." The whispered admission by Steve was punctuated by another choked sob as more tears fell freely. "And I am exhausted." His eyes were burning as his hand scrubbed at them trying to ease the sting.
It was not a surprise that Steve was exhausted as he was emotionally wrung out but Steve admitting that he was exhausted was a surprise for Danny. "You've been so busy dealing with everything and everyone that you forgot about yourself." Like usual went unsaid as Danny knew Steve well enough to know that he had not been taking care of himself when there were other things and Mary and Joanie to take care of.
Steve shook his head softly even though Danny was right about him being focused on everything and everyone else. "Uh Max took care of Aunt Deb... I wasn't sure who to call." He did not know why he felt the need to tell that piece of information to Danny but he knew Danny was beyond worried and would be there every step of the grieving process in the coming days and months. "I... uh... I couldn't bare the thought of her being with strangers."
"Max was a good choice to take care of Aunt Deb." Danny made a mental note to reach out to Max once things were a little more settled to see if there was anything else that needed to be done. "When was the last time you ate babe?"
Steve inhaled softly as he leaned back into Danny's hand that was on his neck. "I'm not hungry." He had no idea when was the last time he ate nor did he had any inclination to eat as his stomach was in knots. "Ow!" He jumped as Danny pinched and pulled on a patch of skin on the back of his hand. "Why are you pinching me?"
Danny frowned intently as his pinch test only reinforced that Steve had not been looking after himself. "You are dehydrated Steven." The beers were certainly not going to be opened now as beer was not conducive to rehydrating anyone. "When was the last time you had something to drink?"
"I don't know." Steve frowned as he had not stopped since Deb had died as he had to take care of Deb, Mary and Joanie. "Mary hasn't been up to taking care of Joanie, and baby girl hasn't been settling as you saw." He would not apologise for taking care of his family but he also knew that Danny would not begrudge him for doing so however it would not stop Danny from admonishing him for not taking care of himself at the same time. "I don't know if Mary will be able to heal from this one." It was like Doris' first (fake) death all over again only this time it was much worse as Mary was much closer to Deb then she ever was to Doris. "It broke my heart to have to tell her." He sniffled as his tears finally ceased momentarily. "They have both been crying on and off all night and none of us have slept."
Danny waited a minute or so to see if anything else was forthcoming from Steve but it seemed like Steve was all talked out for the time being. "Do you think you are ready to go inside?" Now his priority was getting Steve inside, getting him to drink a couple of large glasses of water, and then into a hot shower and bed but he also did not want to pressure him if he was not ready. "I think you could do with some sleep after you have had a couple of glasses of water and a nice warm shower."
Steve raised his head turning to look at Danny just as his breath hitched and his body shuddered involuntarily. "Thank you Danno." He squeezed Danny's hand in his feeling far more grounded then he had before Danny's arrival.
"You don't have to thank me, not for this, Steve." Danny kept his voice soft and he let his fingertips press a little harder into the muscles of Steve's neck. "Come on babe."
"Yeah, yeah, okay, we should get back inside." Steve was reluctant to go back into his house but Mary and Joanie were inside and he needed to be inside if either of them needed him. He pushed himself up wobbling and he wavered for a few seconds until Danny's hand wrapped tightly around his elbow. "And I definitely need some water."
The worry that Danny felt spiked as Steve looked as wobbly as a new born giraffe who had not quite got the memo about what legs were for and how they worked. "That is only the beginning of what you need." He started guiding Steve back up to the house. "But water, a shower and sleep is a good start." He began to form a loose plan in his head that was for after Steve was settled in bed which included cleaning up what he could without waking any of them up and figuring out what was stocked in the kitchen so he could make the McGarrett's a decent meal.
Steve blinked heavily as he stepped back into the house as if he was seeing it with a fresh set of eyes as he had not realised how messy and dirty his house had become in the short time since Deb had passed away. He shook his head dismissively as he simply did not have the energy in the moment before his eyes landed on Joanie.
"I am going to get you that water babe." Carefully Danny unwrapped his hand from around Steve's elbow as he did not miss the look on Steve's face that changed from dismayed and embarrassed to soft and sad once Steve's eyes had landed on Joanie.
Steve heard and felt as Danny left him momentarily and he stumbled his way over to the pack 'n play where Joanie was all tucked up and sound asleep. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he crouched down at the side of the pack 'n play thinking how bittersweet it was that Joanie would miss out on all the joy that came with knowing Aunt Deb yet hopefully she would still have a few memories in her young memory. "I am glad Danno finally got you to sleep baby girl." He delicately reached in and tucked the blanket back around her foot before he retracted his hand back out of the pack 'n play as the last thing he wanted to do was wake her. "And I am sorry that you had to pick up on mine and your Mom's grief."
Danny caught Steve's apology to Joanie as he stepped out of the kitchen with a glass filled with water in one hand and a pitcher in the other hand. "Drink babe." He ordered as he pressed the full glass into Steve's hand while pointedly turning a blind eye to the way Steve's hands were trembling although he was considerate enough to leave about an inch of empty space from the top of the glass so the water did not spill over.
It took only a few seconds for Steve to drain the water from the glass Danny had given him and he held the glass out to be refilled as he had not realised how parched he really was. "Thanks Danno." He whispered before he skulled the second glass once again emptying it in seconds and before he could even ask for another refill Danny had taken the glass out of his hand.
"Up you get babe." Danny gently nudged his foot against Steve's thigh prodding him to get up. "It's time to go upstairs and get showered before you crawl into bed."
Steve chuckled shortly as Danny was set on the plan of action that he had come up with but he stood up wearily as the change in equilibrium was unwelcome for a few moments. "I want to check on Mary first."
Danny smiled adoringly as he began to follow after Steve as the big golden heart that Steve had was on full display as Ohana always was first and foremost for Steve. "I'm not going to stop you babe."
The stairs felt like a mountain as Steve struggled to climb them without having a white knuckled grip on the railing but he finally managed to reach the top and instantly he made a beeline for Mary's room as the need to check on her was growing with each and every second.
Danny decided that Steve did not need to be escorted to check on Mary so he detoured into Steve's bedroom and set the glass down then refilled it from the pitcher which he then set down next to the freshly filled glass before he began to putter about.
Steve popped his head into Mary's room and he smiled as he realised that Danny had not only checked on Mary but had also tucked her in with a blanket. He hesitated for a few seconds before he crept as quietly as he could further into the bedroom and over to Mary's side where he crouched down next to the bed. He let his eyes roam over Mary's tear stained and blotchy face that matched his own before he reached out and pressed a light kiss to her temple. "I love you Mare." He whispered so as not to disturb her before he stood up and snuck back out of the bedroom as he was sure if he was much longer that Danny would come and get him.
"Is Mary still asleep babe?" Danny asked as he soothed out the comforter as he had quickly changed the sheets as fresh sheets were always conducive to a better night's sleep.
"Yes." Steve grumbled as he rubbed his hand over his face. "Oh, you didn't have to change my sheets Danno."
"It's fine. You deserve to be cosy... Now go have a shower. I have already grabbed you some fresh clothes and they are waiting for you along with the fresh towel that is warming." Steve was wavering on his feet again although in all fairness he had not really stopped but Danny was not about to call him on it as his priority was his plan.
Wearily Steve trudged into his bathroom and partially closed the door behind himself seeing that the only thing Danny had not taken care of was the starting of the shower which he quickly remedied before he stripped off and stepped under the stream of warming water. As much as he would have loved to stay under the hot water for a while he was barely able to keep his eyelids from fluttering so he rushed through the routine of shampooing, soaping and rinsing off before he turned off the water, stepped out then got dried and dressed.
The sound of the shower turning off and Steve shuffling about had Danny wondering if Steve had even done a perfunctory clean as it was less than three minutes but a pass would be given considering how exhausted Steve was. "You okay Steve?" He asked as Steve shuffled out in his boxers having foregone the t-shirt and collapsed down face first into the bed. There was an inaudible muffled response that made Danny smile in fondness as he made his way over and quickly covered Steve up with the sheet and comforter. "Sleep. I will be downstairs." He reached out and briefly brushed his fingertips across the nape of Steve's warm yet still damp neck earning a soft snuffle as Steve nuzzled his face into the pillow. "Love you babe." He whispered as he tip toed out of the bedroom pulling the door closed behind him but he left it ajar just a fraction so he could look in from time to time as there was no doubt in his mind that the loss of Aunt Deb would bring forth a whole lot more painful memories that could result in some sleeping issues for Steve.
Whatever was to come would reveal itself in the coming days but Danny was intent to be there in whatever way he could and that started with quietly tidying up what he could and making the three sleeping McGarrett's something light yet substantial enough to eat for when they were up. The loss of Aunt Deb was devastating for everyone but none more so than Steve and Mary.