Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Gunwook is a big and tall guy, but right now, the letter X that’s written on the door made him feel small.

It wasn’t a hard choice, Gunwook knows he still loves Taerae. Without a doubt he chose the X-Room. Wishing desperately for Taerae to be on the other side of the door, yet he feels terrified to open it. But he needs to talk to Taerae, so he takes one last deep breath, preparing himself to open up his heart again, vulnerable and raw. Gunwook opens the door.

Nobody is in the room but him. Along with hundreds of their photos plastered on the wall, their couple items, and more stuffs that brought him right back to the past. He slowly realized the voice that’s currently playing on the speaker—it’s Taerae’s voice filling up the room. His favorite voice, singing, accompanied by his guitar. Gunwook remembers the memory card he submitted to the staff before the show. It was a collection of audios and videos of Taerae singing that he saved. Along with some voice messages that they sent each other, because Taerae liked to send him random voice messages of him singing. So Gunwook saved everything from the very beginning. He didn’t know what it was for, but he never expected it would backfire, stabbing him right in the heart.

Gunwook still hasn’t moved after closing the door behind him. How could he, when it feels like if he takes a step forward, all the tears inside him would burst out at once? He had been doing so well holding them in until now. Gunwook still tries to control his breathing, until suddenly the speaker playing Taerae’s voice fades out, and the tv turns on.

Taerae appears on the screen, sitting at a table Gunwook remembers well. It’s Taerae’s pre-show interview. Gunwook did one too in the exact same room. He glances at the chair in front of the TV, walks towards it, and sits down.

Hi Taerae, I’m so glad you accepted the offer to join the show. You’re always a joy to work with!

The voice comes from behind the camera and Gunwook remembers who it was. It was Lee PD, who offered Taerae and him to join the show. She interviewed him too, so he expects the questions to be the same ones she asked him. Which made his heart started to beat faster.

In the video, Taerae and Lee PD continue to engage in small talk. But everything went inside Gunwook’s left ear then out through his right ear. He’s so nervous, he couldn’t focus until Gunwook heard his name suddenly came out of Taerae’s mouth.

Okay, before we start the interview, can you state your name, age, current job, and the name of your ex for the camera?

“My name is Kim Taerae, this year I will be 27 years old, I am a freelance guitarist usually moving around between several broadcasting companies… and… my ex is Park Gunwook. Doosan Bears’ Park Gunwook.”

 

Thank you, now how long was your relationship with Gunwook-ssi? If you can remember the exact dates of when your relationship started and ended, that would be great!

“We started to date on the 22nd of December 2024, and we broke up also in December. The day after Christmas. How could I forget… So we dated for 3 years full.”

 

Then… it has been about a year since you two broke up, correct? Since then, have you gotten back together, or have you dated anyone else maybe?

“Correct, a little over a year, and we never get back together. And in between that, uhm… I guess it could count… I dated someone for a month, thinking I could force myself to move on. But I ended it right away when I realized my feelings for Gunwook never left.”

 

So to confirm, as of today, at this moment, do you still have lingering feelings for Gunwook-ssi?

Yes.

Gunwook’s heart ached. For a whole year since their breakup, Taerae’s feelings for him had never changed. A few months after they split, Taerae drunk texted and drunk call him Gunwook a couple of times. Gunwook hated drunk Taerae, those moments only brought back painful memories, so he never responded. Eventually, the messages and calls stopped, and he thought Taerae had moved on. Of course he tried his best too to move on. But here he is, one year later, still in love with the person on the screen.

Alright, then let’s start from the beginning. How did you two meet?

“It was the start of my sophomore year, I had finally returned to university after taking two years off for enlistment. I came back to join the band club, we had a joint get-together with the dance club. That was when I first met Gunwook. He was just a cute freshmen, still adjusting to university life. They decided a random pair, one from the band club and one from the dance club, and somehow, we ended up together. I even had to take him home because he was drunk. And… we got closer from that point on.”

 

So you guys were a campus couple, how cute! When did you start to see him as more than just a friend? Was it a love at first sight?

“Haha I still remember the day… At first, I saw him like a younger brother, and he never crossed the line either. We stayed as friends, hang out together, talk for hours on end, and it never got boring. Then November, we had this annual match against a rival university, I remember he was very nervous preparing for it. It was a big deal, especially as a first-year player. When our university team won, at the end of the game, he suddenly  ran to me. And like a reflex, I opened my arms wide and he hugged my waist, sweeping me off my feet and spinning me around. I don’t know if it was the way his arms squeezed my waist, or the proud winning smile on his face, but it made my heart beat a little differently then, and that was when I knew.”

Gunwook actually forgot about that day until now. He recalls Taerae once telling him about it because he had asked the same question before. Yet, somehow, he had let it slip from his memory, while Taerae could still recount the details vividly

Then how and when did you two made it official?

“December came, I had this gig in a restaurant, so I invited him to watch and have dinner afterward. Time always flies whenever I’m with him, and we ended up staying until the restaurant closed. When we stepped outside, the snow was falling prettily. It wasn’t a heavy snowfall, but you could see each flake falling under the streetlight. My hands tend to get cold easily, and i had forgotten to bring a hot pack, so Gunwook held my hands, then tucked his hands and mine inside his coat pockets. It wasn’t just my hands that warmed up, it made my face warm instantly too. We stood so close, I was worried he might hear my heart beats going crazy. Then he asked me to be his boyfriend there.”

Gunwook felt his cheeks warmed up as he was reminded of that night. It was such a sweet memory, one he could never forget. But he never knew Taerae would remember each memories in such detail. The way Taerae smiled while recounting those memories made Gunwook smile too. But he quickly realized that if Taerae remembered the good memories that vividly, he most likely also remembered each pain in agonizing details.

What kind of boyfriend was Gunwook to you?

“He was the best—everything I could ask for. He’s three years younger than me, so he always has that younger guy charm. Even though he’s younger, I think I depended on him a lot instead. He takes good care of people. He always tries to understand me, so despite the differences in our personalities, our relationship was perfect to me… well, until I ruined it, haha.”

Taerae laughs it off, still with a smile on his face, but Gunwook notices the change in Taerae’s eyes.

Oh, we’ll get back to that later then… Before we do, I’d like to ask, what was the best memory you had with him? And if you don’t mind sharing, what was the worst one, too?”

“Uh, the memories from our Japan trip immediately come to my mind. It was my birthday gift from him. He took several part-time jobs all of a sudden. I didn’t know what it was for at first but then he surprised me with two flight tickets to Tokyo. We went a week before my birthday because he had a match on the day of my birthday. Everything about that trip was perfect, I think it was one of the happiest moments in my life… As for the worst…. random pieces of memories come to mind, but what could be worse than having to live in a constant regret every single day? I’d say I am in my worst memory right now.”

Gunwook’s body froze, as if the oxygen had been sucked out of him all at once. Gunwook watches closely the way Taerae’s face gradually changed. He saw how Taerae began to glance around the room, fidgeting nervously, and the smile on his face slowly faded. So does Gunwook’s.

How did you guys break up? What do you think was the reason?

“I thought about it for a long time, trying to pinpoint exactly when our relationship started to fall apart… I am sure it was around the time I began to feel anxious about my future. After I graduated I couldn’t land any of the jobs I applied for, and It started to affect me mentally. I became stressed, burdened, and insecurities started to creep in too. I wanted to be someone Gunwook can rely on too, but I felt embarrassed of myself standing next to him. Especially that was around the time he got recruited. I wanted to feel like I deserve to stand beside him, but nothing was working out for me at that time. I felt left behind. While I was stuck in place, Gunwook got wings… and, I couldn’t believe myself too but, I felt jealous. I just couldn’t control my feelings at that time. I became sensitive and short-tempered. Meanwhile Gunwook tried to be there for me, but because he was often with me, he became the victim of my unstable emotions. It was all my fault. He was a great boyfriend, a wonderful person, and he didn’t deserve what I did to him. So I am carrying this regret inside me as my punishment.”

Tears, unstoppable tears streamed down Gunwook’s face without him realizing. Everything made sense now. Gunwook doesn’t know that Taerae had gone through all of that. He never told him anything. Gunwook could only blindly guess the reasons for their breakup, thinking that Taerae had lost his feelings and started to despise him. The only reason Gunwook decided to leave was that he believed Taerae had stopped loving him.

A rush of regret washed over him. He wished he had talked to Taerae instead of making assumptions. If only he had known how Taerae felt at that time, he would have fought harder for their relationship. He would have pushed through the pain, stayed by Taerae's side, and never left. Gunwook was stunned, unable to move, as tears continued to fall.

Taerae paused the interview for a moment, clearing his throat, likely feeling a tight grip there. His eyes and nose began to redden as he forced his feelings down, trying to control his breathing. He tried to shake of the tears, looked up, hoping that the tears wouldn’t fall. But when the staff placed a box of tissues in front of him, everything within him fell apart. Gunwook watched as Taerae cried on the screen, and all he could do was sob along with him.

The interview continued once Taerae had calmed down, with only a few sniffles remaining.

Have you ever tried to reach out to him or get back together after the breakup?

“No, we never properly sat down to talk. Mostly because I was scared? I think he hates me, understandably so… I hurt him a lot… He deserves better. As much as I want to get back together with him, his happiness comes first… I- I still don’t have the confidence to make him happy.”

 

So, what are your expectations for joining this show? Do you hope to get back together with him, or are you open to find a new love?

“Uh… I’m not sure. I’m not closing any possibilities… But to be honest, when you offered me the chance to join this show, I didn’t think too far ahead. I was just happy that you gave me a reason to be around him again. To see him with my own eyes, to talk to him, to… live in the same house. I missed him that badly. So I had no expectations of the ending, but I guess, I’ll take this as my one last chance… to have him back in my life if he's willing give me another chance. If not, then hopefully I can find some closure, even just a little bit.”