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When you think of falling in love do you imagine it being gradual or instantaneous? Perhaps for them it was love at first sight, they just didn’t understand it. With every brush of winter’s chill came a deeper understanding of themselves and each other, but never them. Love; was it something God preplanned or was it entirely man-made? They never did understand it or maybe it was that they never wanted to understand it—never wanted to acknowledge this pull they had toward one another.
Aziraphale was nothing if not loyal, but to whom did his loyalty lie? He walked on Earth long enough to see generations grow wings and fly away. Walked along a path meant for him and him alone, to be alone, until the day came for Heaven to defeat Hell. He felt trapped inside the white walls of Heaven, for this was Heaven, they were the good guys after all. Aziraphale always wondered why the white? Why the smooth walls and why the bright lights? Why was everything seemingly devoid of personality—devoid of what Heaven was supposed to be: happiness, hope, light at the end of a seemingly endless tunnel.
It’s funny how attuned they are to each other, their needs and wants, what makes them them. They’re just two people—angel and demon; good and good—who are unlikely friends, but are they really friends?
“We’re enemies.” There’s a truth to that, an undeniable one. It ate at him, kept him up at night wondering why. Why did he feel such comfort, such happiness, when with Crowley? In a way he hated it and in another way he loved it; back then he could remain ignorant, could be blissful as he continued to be with Crowley. But now the truth is slithering under his skin, clawing its way to his heart, and thump, thump, thumping its way to the surface.
“We don’t have to be! We never had to be anything!” Voice full of conviction as he pleaded to the angel. He was desperate, he wanted nothing more than to run away with Aziraphale, he didn’t care where they went or what they did in their lives after. He felt sick, like he was yelling at a burning building—begging it not to fall on him, to let him leave, to let him survive.
“But we do !” Aziraphale finally yelled back, finally lost his cool and peeled back one too many layers of his person. He was just as desperate as Crowley, if not more, but for what? He couldn’t tell, everything was too blurred together and he felt close to tears himself. Everything felt hopeless, they felt hopeless. “But we do.”
“Is this it then?” Crowley chuckled, hands gripping his own hips a little too tightly. “Just like that?”
“Yeah… this is it,” He allowed himself to cry, just this once; feel human, just this once. “This is the end of… of us. ”
“Weren’t you the one to say there was no us? That we were nothing to each other, not friends, not anything. ”
Aziraphale remained silent, thinking back and wondering where it all went wrong—or was it always wrong, were they always wrong?
…
Aziraphale was nervous, hands clamming up at the thought of performing on stage, why had he agreed to this? It brought good to the world, yes, but this was hardly the only option, surely he could’ve done something else, anything else. Sighing he began to pace around as his time to shine was nearing, he looked around before looking through the curtain and into the audience.
“That scared, are you?” The angel jumped, huffing and fixing his outfit when he realized it was Crowley.
“What are you doing here?” While he meant to sound annoyed, glee could be found burrowed in his voice, a fond smile replacing the previous frown.
“A little birdie told me an angel was stinking up the place with his nerves,”
Aziraphale looked around, fiddling with his vest before sighing once more and letting his hands fall to his side.
“I just don’t know what to do Crowley, I’ve never had to do this before. You know how I am with performing.”
“Don’t I know it, please don’t remind me of when you auditioned for one of Shakespeare's plays,”
“That’s it!”
“What’s it…? Am I going to like where this is going?”
“The Shakespeare play! You took over and played the part for me, can’t you do that again?” Crowley hummed, eyeing Aziraphale than the curtain blocking the stage, seemingly really thinking about it.
“What’s that thing humans always say? Something about feeling better when you do it yourself? I won’t always be there when you need someone to take over for you, you need to do this yourself.”
“But…”
“Hey, listen, I get it. You’re scared, performing in front of an audience is scary, but sometimes you just have to… believe in yourself and do it,” There’s a pause. “Bleh, cannot believe I said that, someone give me some bleach.”
Aziraphale smiled, it was so like Crowley but so unlike a demon. Oftentimes it felt like he was pretending to be evil, like it was a role rather than who he was. If they were at a masquerade ball, which Aziraphale hoped to attend one day, he would have to remove the mask to know he’s a demon. But demon or not Aziraphale could also play pretend, could turn a blind eye to the voice in his head telling him he’s betraying Heaven.
“Okay, let’s do this.” With more confidence than he knew he had Aziraphale played his part wonderfully, dancing to the tuning of his own heart as Crowley clapped with the support of the audience.
…
“Maybe… maybe there was an us in the past. But could that us ever have had a future?” He wanted to be heard, he so desperately wanted to be right because if he wasn’t right then what was the point of this all?
“Did you stop and think that maybe there can never be an us if you never give us a chance!”
“You’re wrong…”
“Am I?”
“…Of course.”
“What did I say that was so wrong?”
“No matter what we did, I mean, an angel and a demon? It could never have worked, we were delusional to even get close. To—to talk, we should’ve, should’ve never gotten closer. We should’ve known better, I should’ve known better.”
“So we’re just an angel and a demon now?”
“Crowley I—”
“Why are you fighting against me? Against us? You say you should’ve known better, but look at you! You’re still fighting against that notion, you’re still here, talking to me. What are you really scared of? What are you really fighting against?”
“…”
“If you’re done with me, with us, then walk away. Right now, don’t say anything and just walk away.”
Aziraphale’s feet never moved. Crowley inched closer, a tired sigh escaping before losing all pretense of anger.
“Angel…what are you so scared of?”
“It means Heaven was wrong.”
“Hm?”
“Everything that I know, everything that I’ve been told would be wrong. My feelings, my… my heart is telling me that they’re wrong. My heart is telling me to stop fighting you, to give in and run away and be happy, but if I do that… if I do that…” He began to shake, little sobs coming out while all he wanted was to stop them. Crowley slowly moved forward, wrapping his arms loosely around Aziraphale. The angel hesitated before hugging the demon back, his body trembling until Crowley tightened his hold. “If I do that it means my whole life’s been a lie, it means that all these years spent on Earth would mean nothing, I contributed nothing good to humanity; I just brought them to their doom.”
“Hey, that’s not true. None of that is true, you hear me? You’ve contributed so much good into the world, even just accounting this life; giving humans accessibility to books for cheap is good. Allowing them a safe space in your shop, to talk to you about numerous amounts of books, I’m sure you’re an important and meaningful person in their life.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I know so.”
This felt right, like fate, but that’s not really the right word for it; fate would keep them apart, choice would keep them together. And so one more time he had to ask—
“Run away with me?”
And perhaps after this they’ll be caught and persecuted. Maybe they won’t even make it one foot before they die, but death is such a trivial thing after so many years alive. Even just one more second together would be enough for this life. Aziraphale placed his hands into Crowley’s own, a soft smile accompanied with crinkling eyes.
“Yes, let’s run away together.”