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Are the burdens and restraints of hard work enough to erase your own inabilities? Can your passion alone be enough to nourish your talents? You’re but a young boy—a boy who wants to be remembered for his voice, for his passion and love for music.
You sing when no one’s around, voice straining and cracking at every note, tears falling from your eyes because every sound coming out reminds you of your failures. You sit in the darkness of your own room, letting time go for just a moment, wanting to be free. Your hearing is muffled and there’s a faint ringing that wasn’t there before, but you’re so tired you don’t question it.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and return home.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and this time go to meet your team—or are they your friends as well? You think it doesn’t really matter, friends or not you all have the same goal: surpassing RAD WEEKEND. Is the goal all that really matters though? You all begin practicing, there’s this itch crawling its way into your brain as you hear all their improvements. They’ve all gotten so good, what are you doing here wasting away? Wasting their time and effort?
You’re angry, you think Kohane makes you the angriest of all. Kohane, who doesn’t have the same passion and nostalgia as the rest of you, can make it all up with her voice alone, she’s even growing passionate about music. But what do you have other than your passion? You’re not making as much progress as everyone else. You can feel yourself falling behind, slipping in between their cracks of talent and skill. You think you’re scared, no, you’re sure you’re scared. That with all your bravado you’re still molded gum stuck underneath the school's table.
You’re sad now, you think of Touya and his ever growing presence. How he’s improved and gained so much confidence in his voice. You wonder where you’d be without him, who would be by your side as you’re whisked away by your dreams? You fight back tears, taking a break to grab water, as you listen to your team sing a beautiful harmony without you. Not for the first time you wonder if you have a place in this group, and if so, where? They perform so well without you, why do you even bother holding on?
You no longer know how to feel, you think of An and her unwavering passion, passion which, unlike you, is backed up by her talent. Her voice is strong and steady, and you wonder if you should’ve given up long ago. They all look like they’re having so much fun without you, don’t they? They’re smiling and none of them even look in your direction, almost as if your person doesn’t matter. You don’t think they noticed when you left, ears still muffled as the rain washed over you, when did everything get so complicated?
You remember simpler times—when you first saw RAD WEEKEND it was like fireworks lighting up inside your body. You were so young and innocent then, not yet knowing the pain music would bring you. You remember smiling so brightly, so, so, excited about your future. As the music rolled out the crowd was cheering, and you were looking at the band with childlike joy. Right then and there you declared you’d be just like them, if not better.
You wonder if you’ve improved, you think not. Then you wonder if you’ll ever achieve your childhood dream, maybe not.
You should probably have expected this, perhaps it’s a sign from the Gods, losing your voice that is. When you try to sing nothing comes out, you try to force it out, anything out. But no sound comes out, and once again you’re the cause of your own failure. It’s kind of funny, your own expectations hurt you so much, singing and music cause you so much pain. And yet, you want to sing some more, you don’t want to ever give up on this dream.
You’re brought back to your childhood, singing and having fun with the art of music, even when you messed up you laughed it off. You want to go back to that feeling, but you don’t know how. You’re so scared of failure that the thought of having fun with it makes you shrivel up, wanting to be as small as possible to hide away. Even before RAD WEEKEND you’ve always loved music. Loved the different sounds and melodies, you wanted to bathe in the different harmonies and frequencies.
Despite all the pain you love music, and you love singing. You love it more than you think you could ever describe. You want to reach out to whoever took your voice and tell them to give it back. That it’s yours and all you ever wanted to do was sing. If you reached them, and they refused to hand it over, you’d dig your nails into their flesh. Scratching and struggling to reclaim what you’ve lost, you’ll strangle the God who cursed you and beg for forgiveness all in the same breath.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and return home.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and go to meet—oh, you don’t have a voice to practice with, and so you return home. Heavy feet drag behind you, you’re not entirely sure if that’s you or your shadow. You see no need to notify your team, or perhaps you simply forgot they cared. You get in the shower, the water burning your skin as your tears burn your eyes. They’re in perfect sync as your body becomes numb to the heat. Your trembling hand is gentle when you massage your throat, you wonder how long it’ll be until your voice returns.
You’re lying on your bed, face smushed into the pillow. You think you hear your phone, but your body feels like lead as you close your eyes.
You wake up to your alarm clock, your ears begin to ring and you feel nauseous, hand to your stomach you rush toward the bathroom, emptying out yesterday's remains in the toilet. You wipe your mouth, praying to whatever God that’s out there to give you back your happiness.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and return—Touya and An greet you at the gate, you’re surprised and cautious. Their voices are muffled as they talk, it feels as if you’re underwater, drowning in a sea of mixed voices. You see their mouths moving and you stare and say nothing. You don’t register when they move closer, so when a hand touches your shoulder you jolt. Eyes wide as you look up into Touya’s concerned gaze, just as quickly you look away. You’re tired, lately you’re always tired. You take a step toward the gate—away from Touya and An. You stumble and you stabilize yourself, you look up. The blues of the sky are mixing with the greens of the trees and browns and reds of the buildings. All the shapes mold together and you take one more step before everything comes crumbling down.
You wake up to white sheets draping over you, muffled beeping of machines, and your head is clouded more than it's ever been before. Your vision is blurry and it takes a considerable effort to look around. You’re able to easily surmise where you are: a hospital room. You wonder how you got here, your memory fuzzy as you go into a coughing fit. It seems like that is enough to wake up the people beside you—Kohane, An, and Touya. You wonder how they knew you were here, they all look so worried, Kohane leaves momentarily, probably to call a nurse or a doctor.
You’re left with An and Touya, they’re speaking again but no words are coming out. Just muffled sounds with no coherency to them, it leaves you feeling jumbled and confused. Someone comes in, a woman, and you think she’s a doctor, she too is moving her mouth with no words coming out. You think you’d be angry in any other context, but you’re so tired that it’s drained all emotion out of you. It seems the doctor understands something, she begins to speak slowly and you piece together what she’s saying: “How are you feeling?”
Even trying hurts, but at least it’s better than not understanding anything. It takes you a while, but eventually you understand. You give her a thumbs down, it’s all you can manage. You close your eyes, you think you’re blinking, but by the time you open them again it’s nighttime. The cloudiness in your head is nearly gone, and the beeping of the machines, while clearer, are still faint. You struggle to sit up, and when you finally succeed you’re too tired to stay up, maybe one more nap will help.
You wake up once more, a blinding brightness causing you to groan. Your friends (can you call them friends?) are next to you, happy to see you awake. They’re smiling as they help you up, An on your right and Touya on your left, with Kohane shyly smiling as she helps push you up from behind. An speaks slowly and you’re able to slowly understand what she’s saying: “Want to go outside?” You nod, taking small steps with their help before you’re confident enough not to look at your feet as you walk.
They don’t say much; you don’t say much, there’s not a lot to say. You just enjoy their presence and the feeling of the world saying hello. The wind brushing against your cheeks, the scent of flowers being brought with it. They sit you on a bench, and their worried eyes betray their cheerful smiles, or maybe it’s their smiles that betray their eyes? But for once you don't try to look for the deeper meaning, you just enjoy your time outside. There’s birds flying into nests and people laughing with each other, has the world always been so bright?
Is this the world I’ve been missing out on?
It’s like all the water in your ear has been drained, allowing you to hear mother nature’s melody. The birds chirping, the wind rustling the leaves, squirrels scurrying up the trees, and human life inhabiting the world.
Kohane, An, Touya…they’re all smiling so brightly at you. And for once you see past your own biases—they’re worried for you, they’re smiling and hiding their worry for you. You feel like crying, and so you cry, not hiding anything as the tears continue to fall. Your friends are alarmed, they reach for you and you shake your head, looking up at them through wet lashes, you smile. You’ve realized it’s the first time you’ve smiled for real in a long time, and your friends relax and smile back.
“Thank you…” Your voice is tired, it’s scratchy and sore. “…So much.”
They don’t say anything but you can tell that they’re thankful as well, they crowd around you and pull you into a group hug.
You wake up once more to a white ceiling, you wonder if what happened before was just a dream, you feel so happy you’re scared it’s not real. Looking to your right, no one’s there, you’re scared you imagined it all. You flex your fingers, you feel as if you’re going to cry again—and then you sneeze. You sneeze again and again, your nose is stuffy and you begin to cry for an entirely different reason. Your body is reacting to the cold of the outside, what happened is real, and you allow yourself to be happy.
Once you calm down you take a moment to look around the room you’ve been in for the last couple of days, you almost laugh when you look to your left. There they were, your friends looking at you, and you would feel embarrassed if it weren’t for the joy coursing throughout your body. You sit up, completely by yourself, and have the energy to stay up.
“Sorry,” Your voice is still sore, but you’re getting there. Kohane hands you a bottle of water, you gratefully drink it. “Bad dream.”
“I’m glad your voice is coming back,” Kohane says softly.
And that’s so unfair, isn’t it? Kohane, sweet Kohane, who is being so gentle and kind toward you, was once the subject of your anger. You can’t help but flip that anger on yourself, wondering why you let such biases get in the way.
“I’m sorry, or well, we’re sorry. We noticed how distant you’ve become, but we thought you just wanted time to yourself.” An sounds so apologetic that it makes you want to cry all over again. You’ve been crying a lot lately, but you will it down and look at their sad faces. You try to speak up, let them know that it’s not their fault, that you were just in your head, but Touya speaks first.
“We’re partners, right? As your partner, as your best friend, I should have tried more. I should have helped more, reached out more. I’m so sorry for failing you.” Failing me? Touya, you haven’t ever failed me. It was me who was the problem, why are you apologizing for my mistake? I’m sorry Touya, I’m so, so sorry I made you feel this way.
Kohane doesn’t give him a chance to respond.
“I’m sorry too! I know we’re not the closest in the group, but I still should have tried more. I should have made more of an effort to deepen our friendship! To get to know you better and show you that you can lean on me!”
You’re crying, they hold you and allow you to feel your sadness.
“I’m so sorry.” Your voice is shaky, unstable and weak. You cry into someone’s shoulder, grip onto someone else’s uniform, and tremble in another’s chest. They say nothing as you cry hard, choking on your own emotions you pull away. Too much of a coward you look away from them, avoiding eye contact completely.
“I’m so sorry for making everyone feel that way…” By the hitch of their breath you can tell they’re about to argue with you, so you speak first. “…You all are such great friends, greater friends than I deserve. It’s none of your guys’ faults, really, the blame rests on me. I just… I just got in my head, y’know?”
You look so weak right now, it’s so unlike you, it’s terrifying. Where did your bravado go? Where is your courage to look others in the face when apologizing? Have you secretly always been a coward? Hiding behind false smiles and even falser words? You’re not quite sure anymore, all you know is that you’re so scared to look at their faces. That the joy you feel with them will be washed away, the fear usually gives away to anger, but not now, not when he’s so clearly in the wrong.
“Look at us, we’re all apologizing to each other, does that mean we’re all even?” It’s An who breaks the silence with a lighthearted joke. You choke out a laugh, she never fails to pull a smile out of you. Like dominos everyone breaks out into smiles and laughter. It was like the apologies never happened—no, it was just that the apologies had already been accepted and as a group they decided to move on.
You wake up to white ceiling, but this time it’s the one for your room. You smile, happy to be back in the comfort of your own room. A little over two weeks in the hospital make you miss the mundanity of normality. It’s funny how being in the hospital is the most joy you’ve felt in a while. You were reminded that there are people who care for you, who see your worth outside of music. Touya, An, Kohane, Ena, Mizuki, Ken—they all care for you, as you care for them.
You can’t help but wonder if you’ve always been this blind to your surroundings or if it’s a recent occurrence.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and meet up with the rest of the Vivids. There’s an anticipation that wasn’t there before, you feel a buzzing in your skin and a smile stretches across your face. You walk into the cafe, today you won’t be practicing, your throat still recovering from the strain you put it under. For once you’re alright with that, you’re okay with just relaxing and hanging out with your group mates. Ken brings everyone drinks, and you all chat and get to know each other further, deepening your respective bonds. It feels like a dream, it’s weird and strange, and you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to get used to it, if it’s something to get used to at all.
It’s been so long since you’ve felt this way, you’re so happy, are you really allowed to be this happy? Maybe you don’t deserve this happiness, maybe you should have wasted away in that hospital bed. Perhaps you don’t deserve all this care and concern, but at the end of the day who can take control of your life other than you? You’ll be the first to say that you don’t think you deserve this happiness and you’ll be the first to say that you’ll work hard to feel like you do deserve it.
I deserve to be happy.
That’s always the first step, no? Telling yourself you deserve something, and then striving toward that goal.
I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have friends. I deserve to relax. I deserve to love others. I deserve happiness.
You’re scared, the fear from saying what you deserve comes toward you at full force, you feel it crashing into you. It feels almost as if it’s trying to drown you, trying to get you to give up on reaching the surface. But you stay afloat, perhaps sometimes you’ll be pulled under, but you vow to pull yourself back up.
You will conquer your fears; you will survive.
Survival has its ups and downs, you go to school, hang out with friends, and finally it’s time to practice. Your voice has gotten better, it’s now stable and doctor approved, and you couldn’t be more excited. When it’s your turn to sing you freeze at the first note, it’s awful and you feel yourself being pulled down. It’s scratchy and horrible, for a moment you let yourself slip, but you’re not alone. Touya is next to you, squeezing your shoulder in reassurance.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve just now been allowed to practice, don’t beat yourself up. You’ll just work hard like you always do and get your voice back.” Touya offers him a smile and his fist.
“Thanks, I needed that.” You let out a small laugh, bumping Touya’s fist with your own.
So you are pulled out of the water once more because you are resilient, you won’t go down without a fight and your friends will make sure you survive.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and are off to practice with your team. Your voice has gotten better, sounding more and more like it did before you lost it. You’re all singing together, it’s clear to anyone who is watching that you’re all having fun. You let yourself go and feel the music, you feel yourself having fun again, and you want to latch onto that feeling and never let go. Want to bask in the fun, continue smiling, singing, and dancing with all your friends. You find yourself singing even when your body and voice are tired, and it’s An’s encouraging smile that reminds you to take a break.
“Oh My God! I swear your voice is getting so much stronger, like even stronger than before you lost it.” You smirk at her, false bravado showing, but inside you’re melting with joy. You’re getting better, finally. Strangely enough your thoughts don’t obsess over that progress, you’re happy over it and you’re somewhat ready to move on—today is a good day.
“Thanks! Watch out because Vivid Bad Squad is going to become number 1!” You shout laughing, which soon follows with everyone in the cafe laughing along.
You go to school, you hang out with friends, and are once again going out with your friends. You all decided to rest today, a walk in the park sounded the most relaxing for everyone, you feel happy at the prospect of fresh air. When they arrive An grabs Touya and pulls him toward the swings, telling him to push her, leaving Kohane and you alone.
Kohane and you walk around the perimeter of the park, small talk filling the space between you two. You make it to a bench and sit down, quietly observing the area of the park, Kohane is the one to break the silence.
“I’m still so sorry, y’know? For everything, it always felt like you kind of didn’t like me, but that shouldn’t have been any excuse for ignoring your growing distance with us.” Kohane looks up toward the sky, the oranges, reds, and purples of the afternoon wash her in a beautiful glow.
“I should be the one apologizing, for making it hard for you to feel like you could reach out. Honestly…I was always, well, I was always jealous of you I guess. You had this…this raw talent for something I’ve loved since a child. You didn’t have the pure passion for it like we did, and so I was jealous. I projected my own failures onto you, I’m sorry for making you feel the way you did.”
“It’s okay, admittedly you were a bit mean, but you gave me the push I needed. I know I want to go far with this, go far with everyone in our group! This is a forever thing for me, I don’t ever want to give up on this!” There’s such determination in her voice that you know she’ll be alright—that you both will.
“Then let’s go far, after we surpass RAD WEEKEND we’ll go even farther,” Kohane smiles, determined and brave, ready to face everything.
You go to school, hang out with friends, and return home. You yawn, stretching as you open the front door, Ena rushes past you, messily putting on her shoes before she dashes out the door. Making your way up the stairs you can’t help but be thankful for everything that’s happened lately. You make your way to the shower, warm water washing away the pain of today. You smile as you feel all your stress leave you, and you let yourself welcome home happiness. You sit on your bed, steady hand rising to your throat, you massage it, smiling as you think about your time in the hospital. When you were just as lost as your voice, if not more so, but you’re thankful for that opportunity—a forced break from the constant overworking and over practicing that you put yourself through.
What a strange feeling, to have a love for singing, and being thankful for losing your voice.
You thank the God who took your voice, now you feel foolish for questioning it, for thinking yourself better than a God. You apologize for the bruises and marks that you gave the God, you wonder if it’ll ever forgive you for such blasphemy. You wonder if the God understands human nature, human want and desire, hopefully it understands you were desperate. That you were just Orpheus and your voice Eurydice, perhaps you are still much too foolish for even making that comparison. Even so, in your heart you know that even without a God your friends would have found a way to save you.
You’re scared, but above all else you’re hopeful for the future; you’ll survive, and maybe even learn how to live.