Chapter Text
This time, Neil feels completely upside down. He can’t find his footing, and everyone can tell. He’s not sure what kind of vibe he’s giving off, but it obviously screams misery. The doctors on shift double and triple check that he’s ok to do something or even ok to be working. Peggy assigns him to minors almost every shift, and while he understands why and appreciates the relative monotony, it’s almost not enough to keep his mind from spiraling or shutting down completely.
Katelyn keeps staring at him, looking like she wants to say something but ultimately keeping her mouth shut. Neil wonders if Andrew told Aaron who he is. If Aaron told Katelyn. If that’s why she keeps watching him. He has to bite his tongue to keep from asking - about that and about Andrew.
And Andrew. God, every other thought is about him. He made the news. “Exy player sexually assaulted in locker rooms” makes a good headline. “Brother not charged with murder after court ruled justifiable homicide” is even better. The Exy world is in an uproar for weeks about security not doing their jobs and how the league could let this happen to one of their star players - and a prospective Olympian at that.
Andrew isn’t seen in public for a month. The Sharks feel the loss, slipping in the league ranks after a few hard games. Kevin, ever the face of the team, fields questions about Andrew’s return in almost every post-game interview.
Neil is desperate for something - anything - about how he’s doing. He knows from Peggy that he was never admitted. They released him just an hour or so after Neil left with strict instructions to rest and come back if any of his concussion symptoms reappeared or got any worse. And his agent put out an official statement just after the news broke that he was doing well and taking a short break from the season to heal fully.
But besides that, he’s got nothing. He almost asks Katelyn, but it feels weird. Too personal. And that's the problem. He got too close. He got attached. This is why Neil doesn’t get attached to patients. This is why he doesn’t get attached to people. It’s too much.
And he can’t help wondering if Andrew thinks about him. If Andrew was as affected by Neil as Neil was by Andrew. Probably not. And he wouldn’t ever know. He doesn’t have a way to contact him, isn’t sure if that’s even allowed to. And Andrew certainly hadn’t contacted him. Why would he?
When it’s announced that Andrew’s returning to the court, Neil scrambles to check his schedule. The week of Andrew’s first game is the week he works day shifts, and Neil books it home to watch the game live, drinking up every moment of Andrew on camera.
He looks how he always does. And in his gear, Neil can’t see any of his injuries. Of course, a lot of the injuries from that night are mental. And Andrew’s face is as impassive as ever. Still, Neil doesn't take his eyes off the screen. He only takes breaks to get snacks when Andrew is on the bench or during breaks. And once it's over, Neil feels fuzzy, like the world around him isn't real.
He repeats the routine the next game, too. And every game after that he can catch before or after shifts. With Andrew back, the Sharks claw their way back to the top. And as the playoffs start, Neil is consumed. He knows it's insane, that he's obsessing and needs to take a break, needs to do something besides isolate in his apartment and binge any and everything Exy. But he can't. What else would he even do?
He rationalizes it away. This is him coping. It's been his coping mechanism for seven years - more than seven years. This isn't as bad as it was when he was first put in Witness Protection. Not even close.
And then, halfway through July, he gets a call from Brian. These calls don't terrify him the way they used to, but it's still off putting when they come in unannounced. He's eating takeout and watching a replay of a recent game when his phone vibrates on the arm of the couch next to him.
"Hello?" he answers, trying to keep his chewing quiet.
"Neil," Brian says. "Got good news. Lola just got picked up by some officers in Vermont."
Neil stops chewing altogether. He stops moving. Stops breathing. The Exy game fades to a buzz in the background. He wonders if this is what dissociation feels like.
"Neil?"
"Hm?"
"You still with me?"
Is he? He's pretty sure his body is still on his couch in Denver. But his mind is somewhere else entirely. And he doesn't quite know where. "Yeah."
"I know this is big news. I don't want to overwhelm you, and honestly, I don't know much yet. It just happened. But with everything they have on her, it’ll be a pretty open and shut case.” He pauses, and Neil is just coherent enough to know what’s coming. “Your testimony would be a big help. I’m sure you already figured that out.”
“Yeah,” Neil chokes. He clears his throat. It feels like he hasn’t had water in days. “Yeah, I figured. I assume you don’t know when that’ll be.”
“No, not yet. You know how long these things take,” Brian reminds him. “But this is what we’ve been waiting for, right? The last domino to fall before it’s safe enough for you to come out of Witness Protection.”
It’s true. That was always the one thing Brian told him after every new sentence. Lola’s still out there. And no matter how hard Neil tried, he couldn’t feel safe with her in the world. He already had a feeling she knew where he was. And the thought of her finally behind bars…
He takes a full deep breath and lets it out. He’s free. He’s…He can tell people who he is. He can move without having to tell anyone where he’s going. He can go on vacation and not feel like Lola is waiting around every corner. He can stop running.
Absurdly, he wants to tell Andrew.
That thought doesn’t go far because Brian starts talking again. “You don’t have to be Neil Josten anymore.”
Neil frowns. Some of his faculties are coming back online, but he still feels a little fuzzy. And the thought of not being Neil Josten anymore doesn’t quite make sense. Who would he be if he wasn’t? Nathaniel Wesninski? It's been over fifteen years since he was Nathaniel Wesninski. It doesn’t feel like him anymore. And he’s been Neil Josten for longer than he’s been anyone else.
“And what if I want to be? Neil Josten, I mean.”
Brian hums. “We can talk more about that after her trial. But I’m sure we could make it a permanent change if you want.” Neil hums back. "Well, that's all I really have for you, kid. I just wanted you to know, to hear it from me before you saw it on the news or something. I'll call when I know more."
"Yeah, thanks."
The call disconnects, and Neil's senses reengage all at once. The Exy game comes back into focus. He can smell the Chinese food still sitting in his lap. His downstairs neighbor is vacuuming. Everyone's lives are continuing. Neil's feels like it's just begun.
***
This newest development breathes some life back into Neil. He's not nearly as distracted, and he can feel his brain settling. The prospect of staying, even after seven years here, is exhilarating. He starts making plans. He finally invites Martha to a destruction lab, asks Peggy if his son would mind playing Exy with him on a weekend at the rec center, and even manages to make Dr. Jensen smile when he invites her for drinks after work (she declines, but Neil counts it as a win).
He still hasn't told anyone. He wants to, but he's not sure where to start. "Hey, my dad's a famous serial killer, and I've been in Witness Protection for the last seven years. Surprise." Not a conversation to have over drinks after work. He's afraid, too, that if he says anything he'll jinx it. That if he tells someone, he'll wake up in the middle of the night to a call from Brian telling him that Lola escaped, and he has to move to some remote part of Oregon.
And there's also this lingering desire to tell Andrew first. It's silly. There's no reason to think he'll ever see Andrew again. Unless he shows up in the ER with another injury. (He tries really hard not to wish that on Andrew, no matter how much he wants to see him.) And he's not even sure how he would react seeing him again. It's been three months since his last visit, almost exactly a year since he showed up the first time, and Neil isn't any clearer on why he feels so attached to him.
A few weeks before the Exy league finals, Neil's having lunch with Katelyn in the hospital cafeteria when he gets a call from an unknown number. It has a Denver area code, though, so he answers, expecting a fellow nurse whose contact he hasn't saved yet.
What he gets is a man's voice asking, "Mr. Josten?"
Neil frowns, and Katelyn cocks her head in question. "Um. Yes?"
"Mr. Josten. My name’s George Kinsey. I’m Andrew Minyard’s agent." Neil's mouth drops open, but before he can say anything, he continues. "As you may know, the Sharks have made it to the championship game against New York. Andrew has asked me to extend an invitation to you to watch the game from the VIP box he's got booked that night."
Neil really isn't meant for a normal life, is he? He babbles for a second before managing to ask, "He did?"
"Yes. As a thanks for your treatment of him during his last ER visit." The weight of the implication hangs heavily on his words, and Neil sobers immediately.
"He said that?"
"Well…not in as many words. But it was implied." Implied seems to be Andrew's default setting. Unless he's telling Neil that he's living his life incorrectly.
"Right." Neil swallows. "Um. Well. Yes. That would be amazing."
"Wonderful. I’ll shoot you a text with the details and get you on the list with security and all that."
"Thank you. And thank him for me."
Mr. Kinsey hums in acknowledgement. "Of course. Oh, and he wanted me to tell you one more thing. He said that he heard about Lola and wanted to congratulate you. I’m not sure what that means, and he gave no indication as to whether that was sarcastic or not but -"
"I understand. Thank you again," Neil says quickly, feeling like he could vibrate out of his seat.
"Of course. Look forward to meeting you." The call drops, and Neil stares at his phone like he's never seen it before.
Andrew knows. Andrew heard. Andrew invited him to an Exy game. His Exy game. The Exy championships. In his VIP box. What the hell…
"What was that?"
Neil jumps. He totally forgot that Katelyn was sitting across the table from him. "Oh, um. Andrew. Minyard. You know, your boyfriend's brother? Exy player?"
Katelyn raises her eyebrows. "Yes, I know who Andrew Minyard is. Had a very uncomfortable family dinner with him last week. What about him?"
Neil gets caught on the family dinner with Andrew Minyard part but attempts to move past it, tucking that tidbit away for later. "Well, he invited me to the Exy league championship game in a couple weeks. In his VIP box."
"Oh!" Katelyn lights up. "Great! I'll know someone!"
"You're going, too?" Neil's leg starts bouncing. He feels like he could run ten miles and not break a sweat.
"Yeah, Andrew invites Aaron to every home game. I finally got an invite a couple of months ago. It's fun, but I only ever know Aaron. I've started to get to know the other players' partners and families, but only a little. Wait - He invited you. Have you two been…talking?"
Neil frowns. "Talking" in Katelyn's context sounds more loaded than he has the brain space to parse right now. "No, I mean, I haven't seen him since that night in the ER when he came in with Aaron. When I found out you two are dating. Thanks for that, by the way."
"I hadn't told anyone yet," she says dismissively, waving at him with her fork. "Wait, I thought you two had something going on. I could've sworn."
Again, "something going on" has got to mean something that Neil doesn't understand. "Something going on?"
"Yeah, he talks about you all the time. Well, that's what Aaron tells me, anyway. Aaron's always asking questions about you, and he always says it's because Andrew talks about you constantly and I know you. Don't worry. I haven't told them anything. I didn't want to get in the middle of whatever it was. And I wouldn't do that to you anyway."
So that's why she kept looking at him weird? She thought he was friends with Andrew and hadn't told her? Also…Andrew’s been talking about him?
"So, you're telling me that you haven't seen him since what was possibly the most traumatic night of his life - more than half of which he spent holding your hand for comfort - and then he out of the blue invites you to a game two months later?"
"Um. Yes?"
Katelyn smiles. "He must like you." She has got to stop speaking so cryptically.
"How does this work? Like…am I allowed to befriend a patient? I mean…I know there's like doctor patient confidentiality and all that. And I'm not going to divulge his medical history to friends or something. But like…he's not my patient. Anymore."
"Hmm. I don't know. There's no rules against it. I asked Peggy once when I first got together with Aaron. We were a little different since he wasn't someone I was treating. It was Andrew. But Peggy just said that I wouldn't be able to treat Aaron if he ever came into the ER when I was on shift. Or Andrew really. Something about being emotionally involved, that kind of thing. Which…is murky, you know? I'm emotionally involved with all of my patients. It's kind of a grey area."
"Hm." Neil considers for a moment. Katelyn's right. It isn't the same. He's not “getting together” with Andrew. He just wants to see him again, see how he's doing. He'd be fine not treating him if he came into the ER if that meant they could spend time together outside of that. It seems a small price to pay to have Andrew Minyard in his life.
If that's what Andrew wants anyway. He's not entirely sure how to take this invitation, this reaching out. Through his agent. All he knows is that the finals can't come quick enough.
***
The Sharks' stadium is big and blue and painted like an aquarium. A huge shark is front and center, staring menacingly off the building. Neil stares up at it now, trying to calm his racing pulse.
Katelyn is already in the VIP box. She texted him five minutes ago asking if he was close. But he can’t quite get his feet to enter the private entrance on the south side of the stadium. He wishes he could run a lap before going up just to burn off some of the adrenaline.
Instead, he pushes through the door and dazedly goes through the process of verifying his identity to then be led up to the boxes. The security team gives no indication that this is out of the ordinary. Neil feels like he’s going to shake out of his skin.
When the door to the box opens, he freezes. The original Palmetto Foxes are scattered around the room, various food and drink in hand and chatting and laughing. Katelyn spots him first, standing from where she was curled up on a couch next to Aaron and greeting him at the door with a hug.
"There you are. I was starting to think you were going to be late," she says, grinning and obviously already a little tipsy. The conversation dies out, and when Katelyn pulls back, he finds everyone staring at him.
"Are you Neil?" Nicky Hemmick chirps from the stairs leading down to the private stadium seating, grinning a little manically. He hurries across the box and holds a hand out. "Nicky Hemmick. We talked on the phone once. Sort of. When Andrew hurt his shoulder. Remember?"
As if Neil could ever forget. "Of course. Yeah. Nice to meet you. I didn't, uh, know you guys were going to be here."
"Andrew didn't tell you?"
"No. I mean, he wasn't who I talked to. His agent called."
"Oh God, Andrew," Nicky huffs. "Acts all tough but can't even call a guy himself." He rolls his eyes. "Well, I'll introduce you to everyone before the game starts. Come in. Come in."
Right. Neil is still standing in the doorway. Nicky tugs him in by the elbow and points everyone out by name. Neil doesn't bother to tell him that he'd recognize everyone in this room anywhere. He doesn't want to let his obsession show just yet. Aaron raises a knowing eyebrow at him, though, and he fights the urge to flip him off.
Dan Wilds is draped over Matt Boyd's lap in a leather chair, both sipping some brightly colored drinks. Allison Reynolds, always runway ready, is talking to Renee Walker by a sideboard full of food. Nicky's husband, Eric, wanders over for a handshake when he's introduced. And then Nicky gets to David Wymack who's standing near the couch with Abby Winfield. He merely nods at Neil, eyes resting on his face for a moment too long like he's trying to place where he knows him from.
Neil wasn't prepared for this. He wasn't prepared to sit in a private box with his idols and make small talk. What if one of them recognizes him? What if they say something? What if he says something? Something embarrassing or weird or -
"And you know Aaron and Katelyn, of course," Nicky finishes. Aaron nods and sips from his glass.
Katelyn, once again curled up next to him, smiles soppily. "You guys will love Neil. He's one of my favorite coworkers."
Before Neil can thank her for the compliment, Allison straightens, eyes glinting. "Wait. You're the nurse?"
"Um. Yes?"
"You're kind of famous around here," Aaron says. "You got mentioned not once, not twice, but four times by Andrew last night when we all went out for dinner."
"Not to mention everything you did for Andrew after…after the thing that happened in June," Nicky says, cheerful face falling just a bit. "Aaron told us. So…thank you."
Neil, still standing where Nicky left him between the couch and the chair Dan and Matt are sharing, opens and closes his mouth a few times. "I was, uh, just doing my job, I guess." It feels wrong again. It's true. He was doing his job. He would've done what he did for any of his patients. But that's not where it stopped with Andrew. That much is obvious. But since he's not sure what that means himself, he's definitely not going to try to explain it to them.
"Well, you did a really good job," Nicky chuckles.
The announcer's voice echoes through the stadium, signaling the start of the game. Everyone files into the stadium seating, and Neil is blissfully sat between the railing and Katelyn. It means that he doesn't have to talk to anyone during the game since Katelyn is glued to Aaron's side and seems to have forgotten Neil exists. Maybe she knows Neil needs to be left alone, needs to focus all of his energy on watching the court below him.
As soon as the Sharks enter the court for warmups, the stadium erupts. Neil holds his breath until he sees Andrew's jersey. He wanders toward the goal without a care in the world. Kevin stays at his side, chatting animatedly with his hands. Andrew acts like he's not even there, taking his spot in the goal and staring across the court. Kevin eventually gives up and joins his team for warmups.
Andrew stands stock still for a moment before slowly turning his head in the direction of the VIP box. Neil's absolutely certain he can't see Neil from the court, can't tell that Neil's looking back at him. But he still feels goosebumps erupting on his arms. He tries to explain why, and he settles on that fact that this is first pro Exy game, and the championship game at that. He's sitting in a VIP box surrounded by the people who kept him sane through some of the hardest years of his life. And he's watching his two favorite players play for the title. It's the only thing that would explain why his face feels hot and his blood is rushing in his ears.
The first half is a shutout on both sides and ends 0-0. Neil watches the teams file off the court before snapping back to reality when Katelyn asks if he wants anything to eat. He realizes that he's sitting at the very edge of his chair, rigid and nearly shaking. And he's starving.
He snacks with the Foxes and listens to their chattering about amazing plays and hard hits, relating them to their college days. Neil has to bite his tongue to keep from admitting that he knows down to the minutest detail the games they're talking about.
"Do you think Andrew will have a shutout tonight?" Nicky asks, leaning heavily against Erik on the couch. "That would be legendary."
"He wouldn't be the first goalie to have a championship shutout," Allison scoffs.
Nicky waves her off. "Still. Would be cool. Kevin might actually smile."
"Never," Dan says, though she's smiling. "Kevin Day doesn't smile."
The cheering starts up again, and everyone hurries back to their seats just in time to see the teams return to the court. Andrew once again glances up at the box, and Neil has the absurd urge to wave. He stops himself just in time.
The second half starts the same as the first. Shot after shot on both goals with no points. Twenty minutes in, Kevin makes an insane shot and eeks the ball past the opposing goalie. That's what breaks through. Kevin scores two more goals, and the other striker gets another. Andrew blocks shot after shot after shot, lunging for ricochets, and snapping the ball down the court to Kevin.
As the last minute ticks down, the crowd gets more and more insane. The last ten seconds, Neil can't sit any longer. Andrew blocks one last ditch attempt at a shot, and the buzzer sounds. The Sharks go nuts, converging from wherever they were on the court to crowd Andrew. They conspicuously don't touch him, but they're obviously congratulating him on the shutout.
Neil watches with hands clasped tightly in front of him. The next half an hour blurs around him. The trophy is brought out and awarded, pictures happen, the Foxes ebb and flow from the stadium seating to the VIP box. It's only after the teams finally clear the court and fans start disappearing that Neil lets the excited tension leak from his posture.
And then he realizes he's not sure what he's supposed to do now. Does he leave? Does he wait for Andrew? Is that even what this is? Does Andrew want to see him, or did he just bring him here as a placid thank you and not intend to talk to him? He stands at the mouth of the VIP box, watching the Foxes mill around and snack on the remaining food. They're in no hurry to leave. So, Neil stands awkwardly with his hands buried in his pockets.
The box door opens, admitting two more people Neil never thought he'd stand in a room with - Jeremy Knox and Jean Moreau. He wasn't ever super clear on what happened with Jean and Riko and the Ravens all those years ago. All he really knew was that he left the Ravens abruptly, Riko died, and an investigation happened soon after. The Trojans took him on, and he looked happier. And when he and Jeremy announced their relationship, it wasn't a huge shock - other than the fact that neither had ever talked about their sexuality before. They both retired a couple years ago, one season apart. Jeremy had a bad hit in a game and never truly recovered. Jean had several recurring injuries that finally put him out of the game for good.
They're still trotted out for exhibition games as celebrity coaches or for press conferences with old teams, especially the Trojans. But they more or less live a quiet life out of the public eye. Last Neil heard they were moving to Denver, but nothing more than that. The Foxes don't look in the least bit surprised that they're here. Jean and Jeremy seem surprised to see Neil, though, Jean specifically. He stops just inside the door and stares.
Nicky, chipper and a bit tipsy still, drags Neil forward. "This is Neil, Andrew's nurse…friend."
Jean has gone white as a ghost, and Jeremy does a double take at his face. "You ok, babe?" Jean nods and stays eerily quiet. Neil swallows and wets his lips. Jean knows who he is. That's the only likely explanation. He's not sure what Riko might have told him before his untimely death, but maybe they heard about his father's death?
"Um. Hi," Neil squeaks. "Nice to meet you. I-I watched you guys for years. Big fan." He smacks himself internally and tries to hide the instantaneous embarrassment with a smile. "Sorry. That's probably weird."
Jeremy gives a megawatt smile. "Not as weird as you probably think." He flicks his gaze to Nicky. "Does he, uh, know? About us?"
Nicky's eyes go wide. "No, he doesn't. Do you want him to?" Neil frowns. Of course he knows they're together. They've been together since college, and rumor has it they secretly got married last year in France.
France. Of course. Neil dusts off his rusty French and catches Jean's eye. "Do you know who I am?"
Jean goes statue still and doesn't start breathing until Jeremy's hand lands on his lower back. Jean ignores his quiet check-in, eyes still locked with Neil's. "Yes. I know who you are. I didn't…know you'd be here."
"I didn't know you would be here, either," Neil says, still in French, ignoring the Foxes' curious and confused looks. Nicky particularly looks like his head is about to explode. "I'm sorry." Jeremy perks up at that, probably a phrase he'd learned over the years. His eyes narrow slightly at Neil.
"For what?" Jean asks, panic turning to confusion.
Neil struggles for a moment, trying to find the right French words. "I must be bringing up a lot of bad memories."
Jean softens, looking as if he's forcibly lowering his shoulders and smoothing his face. He switches to English, smiles, and says, "Neil, was it?" Neil nods. "It's nice to meet you, too."
Nicky, still looking as if his head may spin off at any moment, waves his hands. "What the hell was all that?"
Neil doesn't have a chance to come up with a story because the door opens again. Andrew and Kevin slide in, and the Foxes erupt in cheers and chatters. The cacophony masks the moment Kevin spots him. He doesn't go quite as pale as Jean, but he does freeze. Neil watches Jean slide up next to him and whisper something in his ear.
Kevin's eyes flick back and forth between Jean, Jeremy, and Neil and then set hard in determination. He reaches up and tugs Jean into a kiss. Neil's mouth drops open. Kevin goes to Jeremy next, and Jeremy practically wraps himself around Kevin's body.
"Staring," a low voice says next to him. He jumps and turns to find Andrew standing next to him. He's also staring at Kevin, Jean, and Jeremy, now all tangled together as they talk quietly to each other.
"How long, uh, how long? Them?" Neil stutters, slightly distracted by the way Andrew's eyelashes are so blonde he can barely see them.
"A while," Andrew answers, finally dragging his eyes to Neil's.
"That's specific, thanks," Neil retorts. He lowers his voice, even though the Foxes are still chattering loud enough that no one can hear him. "Jean recognized me. Knows who I am. I don't think he'll say anything until I do, but just so you know."
"How does he know you?"
"I don't know really. But my father worked for the Moriyamas. I'm sure his murder was a big deal for Riko." Neil finds Jean again, smiling down at Kevin with an arm around his waist. "He must have a good memory." Andrew hums, and Neil can feel his eyes on the side of his face. "Now who's staring?"
Nicky chooses that moment to get everyone's attention. "I'm assuming there's some amazing after party you two can sneak us into?"
And that's how Neil finds himself at a rooftop bar downtown, surrounded by Sharks players and celebrities. Despite the myriad of people, he keeps staring at Andrew, who Kevin drags around the party for "networking." Neil is left alone at a big booth the Foxes claimed when they first arrived and then promptly abandoned to dance or get drinks. Jean and Jeremy slide into the booth beside him half an hour in, and Neil braces himself for the conversation that's about to happen.
Jean smiles at him, though, and pulls Jeremy a little closer to Neil. "Jeremy, mon soleil, do you remember when I told you about Nathaniel?"
Neil shudders at the name, and watches Jeremy connect the dots. "Oh. Yes. You're -" He cuts himself off and lowers his voice. "You're the Butcher of Baltimore's son?"
"Yes," Neil answers, trying not to flinch too hard. "I'm in Witness Protection right now. Hopefully that will change soon."
Jean's eyebrows jump. "I haven't kept up with all that, for obvious reasons. But that's good, yes?"
"Very good," Neil says, smiling shyly. "I'm sorry again. For the scare earlier. I, uh, didn't know you'd be here or even know who I am."
"Riko…" Jean's voice trails off, and Jeremy slides an arm around his waist to squeeze him. Jean smiles at him sadly. "It feels so long ago now, but it wasn't really. Still creeps up on me."
Neil sucks a long breath in, like he's breathing for the first time in years. "I get that." And he does. And it's nice to talk to someone who gets it, too, even if their lives were so different.
"I'm sure you do," Jean says softly, eyes following the lines of the scars on Neil's face. "Anyway, Riko talked about you sometimes. Said you were supposed to join the Ravens at one point, be part of his perfect court."
This is news to Neil, and it sinks in slowly. The time he played with Riko and Kevin in the Nest, just before he and his mother ran, must have been his tryout. He could've been like Jean and Kevin, a Raven in the Nest with a number tattooed on his cheek. He suppresses a shudder, but Jean notices.
"You didn't know that." It's not a question, but Neil shakes his head anyway. "Yes, some business deal or something with your father. You were to be his number three. I would've been four. Your father's death came just before his father's. Losing the Butcher put a lot of stress on the main family and Riko felt it a little too. Not as much. And then he…you know.”
Died. Suicide, supposedly. But Neil had always wondered about that.
“I saw your picture a few times in the news. Finally put a face to the name. And you…you look like your father.” Neil drops his eyes. “Sorry. That’s probably not a good thing, is it?”
“Not really. But it’s true either way.” Neil scratches the back of his neck. His eyes snag on Kevin across the roof, chatting with one of his teammates. Andrew looks like he’d rather fling himself off the building. “How long have you and Kevin…?”
Jeremy smiles. “About a year. Kevin’s not quite sure he wants everyone to know about it yet. Kissing in the VIP box earlier was…the most public he’s ever been.”
“Well, I won’t tell anyone. It’s just…good to see him happy. All of you happy, really.”
Jean frowns slightly. “Does Kevin know? Who you are? Do you know him?”
Neil nods. “Yeah. Sort of. It’s a long story, I guess.”
“We’ll, he would know you, wouldn’t he?” Jean muses. “You played Exy together once.”
Neil nods again. “Although…when Andrew said Kevin remembered me, I was a little surprised.” He finds Kevin again, now at the bar. “I’m glad he got out, you know? That you did. Glad two of us made a life for ourselves. Are happy.”
“Are you not? Happy?” Jeremy pipes up, looking far too concerned for someone who met Neil two hours ago.
Neil shrugs, not exactly ready to bare his soul to Jeremy Knox and Jean Moreau on a rooftop bar. They already know more about him than literally anyone except maybe the FBI. Even then, the FBI doesn’t know he was supposed to play for the Ravens. He wonders if that would’ve made everything easier or harder seven years ago.
“Well, I can tell you that you make Andrew happy. He almost smiled at dinner last night mentioning you,” Jean says with an amused smirk. “That’s a high compliment coming from him. Or so Kevin says. I’ve never really been able to read him.” Jeans smile drops to a frown. “Kevin didn’t mention you to us. Odd.”
Jeremy tightens his hold. “I’m sure he didn’t want to upset you, baby.”
“But that shouldn’t mean he keeps it all buried deep inside. That upsets him. Which will still upset me,” Jean mutters fiercely. Neil pretends to people watch so he doesn’t feel like he’s intruding as much on such a private moment.
“I know. We’ll talk about it with him later,” Jeremy soothes. Jean sighs but doesn’t argue.
Kevin makes his way over from the bar with three drinks cupped carefully in his hands. He pauses for only a moment when he sees Neil, and his eyes flicker between him and his boyfriends. But he keeps coming, setting the glasses on the table before handing them to their respective owners.
“Uh, sorry, Nath-Neil. I didn’t get you anything. Didn’t realize you were over here,” he stutters as he slides into the booth on Jeremy’s other side. Neil just barely catches the way Jeremy’s hand lands on Kevin’s thigh under the table.
“It’s ok. I have my soda.”
Jean leans across Jeremy. “I hope you don’t plan on drinking too much tonight.”
“I promise. This is only my second. And I’ll switch to water after,” Kevin says softly, a small smile tugging at his lips.
Neil tries not to stare. He’s so different off the court. Or maybe he’s just different around Jeremy and Jean. Neil feels a pang in his chest that he can't quite place. Jealousy? Hope? Maybe he can have that someday. Now that he’s not looking over his shoulder. Maybe…maybe someone won’t flinch when looking at his scars or hearing about his past. Maybe.
He clears his throat. “Um, restroom?”
Kevin points him in the right direction, and he slips away to let them have a moment more or less alone. When he gets back, the Foxes have returned to the booth, packing it full. They’ve left him a seat, though. Right next to Andrew.
They don’t talk, instead sipping their drinks and half-heartedly participating in the conversations happening around them. Neil wishes he could speak with Andrew alone, ask him why he actually invited him tonight, if this is something they could do again. Maybe not this. But spend time together. Is that weird? Is that how you make friends?
As the party winds down slowly over the next couple of hours, Neil gets more and more twitchy. Andrew notices but doesn't say anything. When Nicky asks the group if they want to move the party to their rental, Neil feels disappointment sink deep into his bones. Until Nicky asks if he wants to come along, too.
"Um -"
"You don't have to," Nicky assures him quickly as he follows Erik out of the booth.
Neil catches Andrew's eye, trying to ask without words if he would be ok with that or if it's too much. Is he intruding on their college team reunion time? But Andrew nods slightly at his questioning look, and Neil can't help the little swoop of joy in his stomach. "Yeah. Sure. As long as I'm not intruding."
"Not at all," Dan says, a slightly too perky smile on her face. "We'd love to get to know you more."
So, he follows Andrew to his car, and for the first time, they're alone.
"Thank you," Neil finally manages to say five minutes into the drive. "For inviting me tonight. It was a lot of fun."
Andrew nods. "I'm glad. I know the others are a lot. But I figured an Exy junkie like you would shit your pants hanging out with them."
Neil frowns. "Is that why you invited me? Just…to watch Exy? Hang out with the Foxes?"
"No." He doesn't elaborate. Neil waits. Andrew's quiet for the rest of the drive, seemingly calm and bored.
They're the last to pull up outside the two story the Foxes are renting for the weekend, and Andrew has to do some fancy parking maneuver to fit his Maserati into the little street parking spot left. It's incredibly impressive, and Neil can't tear his eyes away from Andrew's one-handed handling of the steering wheel.
When they push through the front door, they find everyone milling between the kitchen, living, and dining rooms chattering and getting more drinks and generally making a slightly drunk ruckus. Jeremy, Jean, and Kevin are piled on a couch together, cuddled up and whispering with each other. Aaron and Katelyn have taken one of the big cushy chairs, and Matt and Dan are in the other. Nicky is manning the blender, but Andrew waves him away immediately and takes over instead. Nicky doesn't look too broken up about it and flounces over to Erik. They wrap up in each other against the wall.
Renee, Allison, Wymack, and Abby are at the table. Wymack is observing the group like a watchdog, and the girls are chatting quietly with Abby. Neil stands rather awkwardly with Andrew in the kitchen, watching as he makes drinks and taking them to people as he asks. His third time into the living room, he hands Matt a glass, and Matt lights up in a massive grin.
"Thanks, man," he says, taking the drink carefully. "Also, you look really familiar. Which is weird, because you'd think I'd recognize -" He cuts himself off, eyes widening. "Sorry. I'm drunk. I was totally going to call out your scars. That's a dick move."
Neil coughs out a laugh. "You wouldn't be the first. Aaron did it the first time we met."
It seems he successfully has everyone's attention, and all eyes move from staring at him to staring at Aaron.
Aaron glares at all of them. "What?"
Nicky sighs. "You've really got to work on your bedside manner."
"Funny. Neil told me the same thing the first time we met," Aaron grumbles. His eyebrows pull together. "Matt's right, though. You do look familiar. Like I've seen you somewhere before that night in the ER."
Neil flicks his eyes at Kevin and Jean, who stare back at him somberly. Andrew wanders in from the kitchen and raises an eyebrow at Neil. They're giving him a choice. He can brush it off, or he can tell them. This entire night has been a surprise from beginning to end. The thought of telling the Palmetto Foxes his life story - his real life story - is terrifying and…tempting? He's lied for so long that the thought of the truth being out even to a few people almost sounds relieving.
And then his gaze snags on Katelyn. Is he really ready for her to know? He may never see the other Foxes again. But he'll see Katelyn almost every day for the foreseeable future.
He takes a deep breath and makes sure Katelyn knows he's talking to her as he quietly says, "You have to promise not to act differently at work."
Katelyn frowns and sits up a bit on Aaron's lap. "Neil. Of course."
"Um. Well. Ok then." Before he says anything, Andrew pinches his shirt sleeve and tugs him over to the last remaining loveseat. It's only after Andrew has made himself comfortable and Neil is wedged in next to him that he continues. "I'm, um…" God, how is he supposed to do this? He's spent so many years lying. He doesn't know how he's supposed to tell people the truth. "My real name isn't Neil Josten. I'm in Witness Protection, and I have been for almost eight years now." He swallows and keeps his eyes trained on the carpet. "My real name is Nathaniel Wesninski."
The reactions are slow, probably due to alcohol and how late it is. Aaron puts it together first, sitting up straight and nearly knocking Katelyn off his lap. "You're-You're…No. Absolutely not. Absolutely not, Andrew. We have enough ex-mafia members in this friend group already."
Jean scoffs. "Kevin and I were never in the mafia, thank you very much. We were merely pawns."
"I wasn't either, to be clear," Neil says.
"What is everyone talking about?" Katelyn asks. In the process of avoiding Katelyn's eyes, he sees Abby and Wymack's slightly shocked faces at the table. Allison is inscrutable, and Renee is as serene as ever, a tiny bit of sadness lurking in the corners of her eyes.
"Wait, so those trials…" Dan says, rubbing her temple. "Those trials we watched the year we graduated? What was his name? The Butcher of Baltimore? Serial killer mob guy?"
Katelyn gasps. "You're a serial killer?"
"What? No!" Neil says. It all comes out in one big rush. "My father was. He was a serial killer, worked for the Moriyamas. They're linked to the Ravens, the Exy team at Edgar Allen. I was - I was supposed to play there. I tried out with Kevin when I was little. Like the next day, my mom took me on the run. We were in hiding for years. She died. My father's people found me, and the FBI got involved. I testified at trials for his inner circle. And I've been in WITSEC ever since." He clears his throat. "I still am, like I said, but the last of my father's inner inner circle was arrested a few weeks ago. Hopefully soon I won't need to be."
The room is deathly quiet. To Neil's complete surprise, it's Wymack who speaks up. "You know, with a story like that, you would've made a good Fox."
All of the air bursts out of Neil's lungs in a laugh, and the mood shifts. "Well, that's a huge compliment. I…I watched your guys' games every week during the trials. And I've…watched all the pro games since then, too. Exy is…Exy's important to me, I guess."
"Really are a junkie," Andrew mutters just loud enough for Neil to hear. When Neil turns, there's the barest hint of a smile on his face.
A round of questions ensues, everything from how he got the scars to which game highlight is his favorite. The conversation morphs from there to memories, moving farther from Neil's past. And he's stunned to realize that, while surprised, they haven't rejected him. They've let him stay, asked him questions, accepted him. He has no delusions about being a part of the friend group like Aaron alluded to. He's just basking in the experience of someone - multiple someones - looking at his past and not flinching. Just like Andrew had.
At some point, he ends up in the kitchen with Katelyn and takes the opportunity to apologize. "I'm sorry. For not telling you. I…I'm not supposed to. And I didn't know how you'd react and -"
"Neil, it's fine," she interrupts. Her smile is tight. "It's…surprising. And a bit shocking. And will definitely take getting used to. But you're still you, right?" Neil nods. "Right. And I won't tell anyone at work. Obviously. That’s yours to tell."
"Thank you."
She smiles a bit wider and nods once.
He rejoins Andrew on the couch, and Andrew finally turns to him, lowering his voice so they can have their own conversation. Neil feels a little thrill up his spine. "I didn't just invite you for Exy. Or only for this." He gestures at the group all off in their own little worlds now. "I also…everything you did that night. It was important to me. I wanted to show you that."
Neil's lips tug up. "You're welcome."
Andrew rolls his eyes. "Whatever. I also heard about Lola. Thought you'd want to celebrate."
"How did you hear about Lola? I'm assuming the obscure right hand of a long dead Baltimore serial killer is not a hot topic in Denver," Neil quips. The question has nagged at him since his agent mentioned it.
But Andrew merely shrugs. "The news."
"Right." Neil huffs a laugh. "I actually…I wanted to tell you. When I found out. Is that weird?"
"No." Andrew stares at Neil for a long moment before tearing his gaze away under the guise of taking a sip of his soda. "Are nurses allowed to date patients?"
Neil takes a moment to pull himself back from the whiplash at the change in topic and stammers. "Uh, well. It's kind of a gray area, really. No rules specifically. The nurse wouldn't treat you again, though, you know? Too much at stake, too close to the situation. That kind of thing." Neil pins him with a curious look. "Why?"
Andrew simply stares back, eyebrows raised. Neil waits.
Dan leans forward from her chair. "I think Andrew's trying to ask you out on a date, Neil."
Neil's mind goes blank. He distantly hears Nicky admonishing Andrew for not actually asking him out yet, for being so hopeless at romance. And a million connections fire in Neil's brain. Everyone's comments about them - "getting together," "something going on," "talking." Andrew almost smiling after mentioning him four times. Andrew was flirting. Actually flirting. Although Neil's not really going to count the times in the hospital - in pain and full of painkillers. But he reached out, even though it was through his agent.
The craziest thing that Neil realizes is that he wants to. That's…that's what all of those complicated feelings meant? He wanted to date Andrew? He's never really felt like that about someone before. He's never…let himself. But now…
"Neil?" Andrew's face comes into view. "Neil?"
"I think you broke him," Aaron snorts.
"Shut up," Andrew snaps. "Neil?"
Neil finally shakes himself out of the daze. "Yeah?"
"If you don't want to, you can say n-"
"No, I do. I mean, yes, I do. I want to. I want to…go on a date with you," he rushes out, testing how it feels to say it out loud.
Nicky squeals and jumps into Erik's arms. Andrew rolls his eyes, huffs, and stands. "Come out here, Josten. Away from the audience."
Neil follows, still a little fuzzy, and leans against the porch rail next to Andrew. "I -"
"Are you sure?" Andrew interrupts, staring intensely into Neil's eyes. It's oddly comforting. "Don't say yes because you feel like you have you."
"I don’t," Neil promises. "I'm just…" He gazes out at the street. "I'm not experienced with dating and relationships. No experience, actually. I've never... Being on the run wasn’t exactly the right time. And being in Witness Protection…just seemed like a bad idea. Besides, I've never really…been attracted to anyone. Before you."
Andrew continues staring at him. Neil can see it out of the corner of his eye. And it's not until he faces him again that Andrew speaks. "Feelings are hard for me. Things have happened. I'm sure you can guess. And I'm better than I was even in college, but it's still hard." He grits his teeth, his jaw flexing. "But I feel things with you, about you. Good things. I couldn’t let that go. That's why I invited you."
Neil feels a smile pull at his lips. "Well, I'm glad you did."
Andrew moves a step closer. "I'm glad I did, too."
***
3 Years Later
Neil wakes slowly, a more common occurrence these days but still rare enough to be a pleasant surprise. Unsurprising, however, is finding Andrew already awake next to him, staring at him like he holds all the answers.
"Morning, babe," Neil murmurs.
Andrew immediately wrinkles his nose. "No."
"Baby?"
"Neil."
"Sugar?"
Andrew covers Neil's mouth with his hand, barely muffling Neil's giggle. "I hate you."
"Mm mm," Neil hums, shaking his head.
After an intense eyeroll, Andrew moves his hand. But he lets it hover over Neil's face until Neil nods his consent. Andrew trails his fingers from Neil's jaw, down his neck, and to the iron burn on his bare chest, his own scars on display without his armbands. They've long since been comfortable enough to show their scars to each other, especially in the safety of their bedroom in the cozy apartment they share downtown.
It took a while to decide to move in together. But after Lola's trial, after Neil permanently became Neil Josten, after they'd been dating for two years, and, most importantly, after many nights sleeping over at the other's apartment anyway, they made the jump. Neil's still not entirely able to believe that this is all real, something Andrew has to remind him of almost daily.
Neil reaches his hand out, too, waiting for Andrew's nod before he slides his fingers into his hair. Andrew closes his eyes and shuffles just a bit closer. So, it's a good day. Andrew would never admit that he wants to be touched out loud, but on good days, he not only allows it but wordlessly encourages it. So, he continues his gentle scalp massage and peppers kisses on Andrew's face.
He loves mornings like this. They don't happen often during the season, with Neil only having two weekends off a month and Andrew busy with games or practice during the week. And Neil cherishes them, pulls them to the front of his mind to soothe him during rough shifts and bad days. Exy's still a coping mechanism, but he's branched out in the last few years. And this? This is at the top of his list.
And today is even better than the meager weekend days they've gotten the last few months. Because the season is over, and the Foxes have booked their annual trip. And this year, after begging Dan to schedule the trip farther ahead of time, he actually got work off. For the next week, he gets to hang out with the Foxes - a pastime he's still getting used to - and Andrew in a cabin in the mountains. He gets a week of waking up like this.
Andrew flicks his forehead, and he realizes that his eyes are closed, and his hand is just resting in Andrew’s hair. “What are you thinking, Josten?” he asks groggily.
“Just that it’s hilarious that Kevin finally got his way this year, and there’s an Exy court near the cabin.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“You’re not going to play with him?”
“No. I played with him for the last six months. He’ll survive.”
Neil bats his eyelashes obnoxiously. “And will you play with me?”
It was only a month after their first date that Neil got to play Exy with Andrew and Kevin. Kevin was genuinely curious if Neil was any good. The first time was a disaster, because even though Neil had been playing at the Rec center for months at that point, he couldn’t hold a candle to Kevin Day’s precision.
He kept letting Neil play with them, though, taking him to the Sharks stadium and teaching him drills. Jeremy and Jean even joined a couple times, though they mostly just annoyed the hell out of Kevin (much to Andrew’s delight). He won’t be a pro player anytime soon, but it’s fun at least. And despite Andrew’s insistence that he doesn’t enjoy much of anything, Neil knows he at least doesn’t hate playing Exy together if the sex they have after is anything to go by.
“Maybe,” Andrew says after a moment of thought. Which means yes. Neil makes a mental note to pack extra exercise clothes, running through the list of the shorts Andrew loves most, the ones that make him stare more than usual.
Again, he wonders if he’s dreaming. He’s thirty years old - at least twelve years older than he ever thought he’d live. He has a job he actually enjoys. He’s dating a famous Exy player who doesn’t flinch at his nightmares or panic attacks or scars, who trusts him with his scars too. They live together. They own two cats together. They cook together. It’s a life he never imagined he’d ever be lucky enough to get.
He's happy. He tells Jeremy that every time he sees him.
“Josten,” Andrew grunts. He’s gone still again. This time, Andrew lifts his head a little and scans his face. “You with me?” He presses a finger into Neil’s bullet scar, his way of saying I’m real and so are you.
“Yeah. I’m here.”
“Don’t disappear on me.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise?” It must be a really good day. Or Andrew’s still partly asleep. He'll deny this ever happened once he has coffee, but for the moment, Neil basks in the soft vulnerability in Andrew's eyes.
Neil smiles. “Promise.”