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Izuku woke up in a flurry, a hand on his throat as he shot up in bed, looking around wildly but not seeing. He felt someone touch his wrist and a panicked keen escaped his lips as he drew away from whoever it was, still too far gone to realise who it was. A voice filtered through the fuzz clouding his mind.
“-ku, Izuku, hey. Problem child, it’s fine, you’re fine. You’re safe.”
His vision slowly came back to him and he blinked away the last black spots dotting the edges of his vision and focussed on an exhausted looking Aizawa half out of the seat pressed to the side of Izuku’s bed.
“Sen…sei…?” Izuku’s voice was cracked and he coughed the second he spoke.
“Here, drink.” Aizawa handed him a cup of water with a straw in it, helping him guide it to chapped lips and sank back satisfied when Izuku drank and drank until the cup was empty. “Better?”
“Yeah.” He whispered; his voice still slightly hoarse but clearer than before. “Sorry –”
“No need to apologise. That is a totally normal reaction after everything you’ve been through, but you’re safe now. You’re in the hospital.” Aizawa explained and Izuku looked around, taking in his surroundings, and realising that he was, in fact, in a hospital room.
“Is everyone – Kacchan –” Izuku sat up, gasping in pain when something ached at his side and Aizawa pushed him back down gently.
“You’re hurt, problem child. Stay down. Bakugo’s fine too, he’s in his own room. Everyone else is fine too.”
“He’s okay.” Izuku nodded before repeating himself. “He’s okay. Everyone’s okay.”
“Everyone’s okay.” Aizawa nodded, confirming it once more.
“Okay.” Izuku’s head fell back on his pillow and he let himself sink into it, the tension in his shoulders fading. “Sensei.” His voice broke.
“Yes, problem child?”
“Sensei, I don’t think I can keep doing this.” Izuku choked out, tears slipping down his cheeks as he turned his head to the side to meet Aizawa’s eyes. “I – this is too much, I can’t – I –” His breathing picked up and he could feel himself becoming a little lightheaded as the dots return to cover the edges of his vision once more.
“Hey, hey, Midoriya – Izuku, easy, easy, calm down.” Aizawa said softly, miming breathing. “Match my breathing, come on.”
It took some time but Izuku managed to catch his breath and he felt exhausted. “I’m tired, Sensei.” He continued. “I – I don’t even have One for All anymore. And – and I know All Might said I could be a hero, and you’re practically quirkless when you fight but I – I just can’t. I don’t think I have it in me. My nights have been haunted with nightmares since the USJ and they kept getting worse every time something happened. I don’t think I’m going to recover from this and I don’t think I could do hero work like this, I –” He broke off for a second before continuing, “I’m sorry, Sensei.”
“No need for apologies. I can’t say I expected you to say that but it’s not a surprise. You’ve been through a lot, Midoriya, and as your teacher I want to apologise because we should have protected you better.”
“Sensei, no –”
“Let me finish. I know I don’t hold the blame for all of it, but you are under my care. You’re my student and my responsibility and I am sorry.” Aizawa bowed his head.
“Sensei, you don’t need to apologise either.” Izuku said softly. “I don’t think I would have made it this far without you, none of us would have. I never really had teachers, or adults other than my mother, that I could trust before. You were the first. So, thank you. You haven’t failed any of us, and I don’t think you ever will. This is just the result of a lot of unfortunate stuff and it sucks, because I wanted to be a hero, Sensei. My dream was to be a hero and save people just like All Might, just like you.
“I even got a quirk from him and it felt like my dreams were coming true. But then… I don’t have a quirk anymore. I’m back to square one and I’m damaged too. Heap all these mental issues onto a quirkless teenager and what do you get? Not a hero. I can’t be a hero anymore, even if I wanted to.”
“Izuku.” Aizawa said firmly. “You are a hero. You’ll always be remembered as one too. You saved all of us. You can step back if that’s what you think is best, no one will judge you for it. You’ve done more than enough and you deserve a break.”
“Thank you, Sensei. Thank you.” Izuku sobbed.
Some of his friends came to see him the next morning, right after he was done with the meagre breakfast he’d been handed by a nurse not too long ago. The door slammed open and Ochako stood in the doorway, eyes wide and teary the second she caught a glimpse of Izuku.
“Deku-kun!” She exclaimed, moving into the room, and hurrying to his side. She was followed by Shoto, Tenya and Tsuyu who all looked battered and bruised but clearly well enough to not be hospitalised.
“Uraraka-san.” Izuku forced a smile onto his face, even if he still felt like absolute shit. The least he could do was pretend to be okay when his friends were taking the time to come and see him after all they had been through.
“You don’t have to smile if you don’t feel like smiling.” Shoto said abruptly.
“Todoroki-kun?” Tenya frowned.
“Midoriya.” Shoto directed his words to the green-haired boy. “I think I know you well enough to tell when your smile is genuine.”
“You do know me very well.” Izuku admitted, the mask cracking along with his voice. He inhaled sharply and chuckled. “Sorry… guys, I –”
“Don’t apologise, Midoriya-chan.” Tsuyu chimed in. “You don’t have to smile if you don’t feel like smiling.”
“Is everything alright, Midoriya-kun?” Tenya asked.
“Not… not really.” Izuku admitted, lacing his fingers together in his lap and keeping his gaze fixed on them. “I’ve been thinking about something, and I talked to Sensei about it but… it’s not easy and it’s a big thing I guess. I – I want to talk to Kacchan before I tell you guys if that’s okay?
“Of course that’s okay, Deku-kun!” Ochako nodded fervently. “Take all the time you need!”
“When you’re ready, Midoriya.” Shoto added.
“Thanks guys. And… you can call me Izuku. If you want!”
“I’ve been asking you to call me Tsu since we started at U.A.” Tsuyu deadpanned and Izuku let out a nervous laugh.
“Only if you call me Ochako!”
“Then you can call me Tenya.”
“Anything to not be called Todoroki, so yes, by all means, call me Shoto.”
“Can… can my mother not come and see me yet?” Izuku asked Aizawa when his teacher came back to visit the following day.
“I’m afraid not yet. Hospital’s being limited to Pro Heroes and hero students for now. You’ll be able to see her soon, though.”
“Sensei… will I have to transfer out of heroics?” Izuku’s voice was awfully quiet and hesitant.
“Why would you – oh.”
“Is it right for me to keep my place in your class when I’m not going to be a hero anymore? Isn’t there someone who deserves that spot more than I do?”
“Problem child, we’re going to need to work on that whole self-worth thing you have going on. No one deserves a spot in my class more than you, and I will not make you transfer out of it because you’re quirkless or you don’t want to be a hero anymore. If you want to do so, that is your decision, but nothing of the sort will be forced on you.”
“Sorry… I –” Izuku opened his mouth and closed it again. “It’s not something I thought I’d ever be considering. I always thought my dream was to be a hero…”
“No one blames you after what you’ve gone through and I’m sure anyone else in your position would probably make the same decision. Your classmates didn’t have the same pressure and responsibility that you did.” Aizawa reasoned.
“I need to talk to Kacchan before I make anything official, I – I couldn’t let myself make such a big decision without talking to him first.”
“What if he doesn’t like your decision?”
“Then as much as it hurts, I’ll be a hero.” Izuku shrugged. “I owe him everything, I – if he wants me to be a hero, then I’ll be a hero. But there’s a small part of me that hopes he’ll accept it.”
“Have more faith in Bakugo.” Aizawa said gruffly, ruffling Izuku’s hair. “He’s a good kid and he cares about you a lot.”
“I know, Sensei. I care about him too.”
It was a week after Izuku awoke that his door slid open to reveal none other than Bakugo Katsuki. He stared at the blond with wide eyes and a jaw slack in shock.
“Kacchan…”
“Izuku.” Katsuki slid the door shut behind him and collapsed in a chair by Izuku’s bed, reaching out to take his wrist in hand and press two fingers to – he was checking for a pulse. “You’re okay.”
“I’m okay.” Izuku whispered. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.”
A comfortable silence fell over them and Izuku took the time to drag his gaze over Katsuki’s face, scanning his features, drinking in his scarlet eyes and the little cuts over his hands.
“I’m not okay, not really.” The green-haired boy admitted and Katsuki’s head shot up in alarm, his own eyes widening not unlike Izuku’s only moments ago.
“Are you hurt?”
“Not… it’s…” Izuku huffed in frustration. “It’s not hard to word. I’m not physically hurt, it’s… deeper.”
“Tell me.”
“I… talked to Sensei about this but… I – Kacchan, I don’t think I can be a hero anymore.” Izuku choked back a sob, biting his lip harshly. “This – this war really messed me up. I’m just so tired and I have nightmares and I overthink more than I usually do. I’m paranoid and I’m scared of everything and I just – I can’t, Kacchan, I –”
He leaned his head back against the pillow.
“Fuck, I – I haven’t even graduated first year and I feel like I’m never going to be okay ever again. All I ever wanted to do was be a hero and I’m – I don’t even have a quirk anymore. I feel so… so helpless. Shigaraki took everything from me, he took my quirk and he took my dreams and – yeah, I’m glad we saved the world but I –” He shook his head. “I know we said we’d be number one, and I know I was supposed to be your rival, I’m sorry, Kacchan, I’m sorry –”
“What are you apologising to me for, idiot?” Katsuki’s voice was thicker than usual and when Izuku made eye contact with him, he saw the blond was crying. “Fuck, Izuku, I – you don’t need to apologise to me for that. You deserve a fucking break more than anyone else. If you don’t want to be a hero anymore, then don’t. I – that’s your decision to make, I’ll stand by it if that’s what you want.”
“It feels like I’m running away.”
“You’ve done more than enough.” Katsuki said in an uncharacteristically soft tone. “Let us do the rest, Izu. You’re more of a hero than any of us will ever be.”
And Izuku sobbed.