Chapter Text
Everything is going well.
It's been almost a year since Jaehyun and Renjun stopped communicating and everything was going well. They are both busy with their units, preparing comeback after comeback, tour after tour. Time may not heal their wounds, but at least, at the very least, it helps them both learn to know themselves better.
Renjun chooses to focus on his career and health. Now that his and Dream's future is clearer, slow but sure everything is starting to fall into place. He took therapy, chose a new hobby, and was busy building relationships with new people.
Even though sometimes he will think of the older one when he sips their favorite wine, or when he looks at the snow falling from his window, or when he blows out his birthday candles, or when he sees the cherry blossoms fall beautifully, Renjun can now smile. Now he can smile because he could see everything he shared with Jaehyun as beautiful memories.
Meanwhile Jaehyun... well Jaehyun is still Jaehyun. Renjun still meets him occasionally if their unit schedules happen to be close together. The man would look at him longingly, but not try to make a move. Renjun knew he was trying to respect what they agreed to. And for that, he was quite grateful.
Several times Renjun knew the older one seemed to want to talk to him. But in the end they only spoke through their eyes. Jaehyun would look at him as if asking "Are you okay?" and Renjun will simply smile briefly in response as if saying, "Yeah, everything is fine."
Just like that.
They become strangers again, but now with memories.
Like.... a lot of memories.
No more hugs, no more kisses. The only thing they did was exchange glances from a distance.
Renjun knows that Jaehyun still often secretly sends this and that and still takes care of him in silence, but he lets him be. If it makes Jaehyun feel better, Renjun will let him be. They say old habits die hard. So maybe Jaehyun simply just found it too hard to stop caring.
Day by day, Renjun tries his best to heal. His therapist said the treatment wouldn't work if he didn't try. So he tried. With the help of his friends, he continues to get better. Now he can smile, laugh, and even start to control his anger better.
Behind the close door, Renjun will have some flashbacks of their relationship and try to figure out where it went wrong. He realized that before their break up (if we can call it a break up) Renjun's life only revolved around Jaehyun. He didn't have time to think about himself and was too consumed with their relationship. Maybe that's what broke him when Jaehyun let go of him slowly. Because he lost his world. He lost his life.
Now, when Renjun knows himself better, when he can see their relationship more maturely, slow but sure Renjun understands Jaehyun's point of view. They were too young at the time they started everything. Too young, too dumb, too reckless. He realized how naïve he had been when he thought their relationship would be easy as long as they loved each other. Now, when Renjun realizes that they have the whole team to look after, he realizes that their decision to break up was right thing to do.
Does Jaehyun share the same belief? Well, nobody knows.
What is clear to see is that at least the man is now starting to get better too. He wasn't completely back to his old self, but at least he was laughing more and zoning out less. Renjun was relieved to see him getting more and more smiley. He hoped that Jaehyun, too, would start to find himself.
Renjun was drawing on his iPad while enjoying the sound of the rain when suddenly his phone vibrate. He glanced then raised an eyebrow when he realized who had sent the message. After putting down his pen, Renjun opened the message and frowned when he found the audio file there. In a chatroom, that God knows how long has been abandoned.
He was confused, but downloaded the file anyway before playing it. That's when Renjun's heart suddenly started beating fast and his body shivered. It had been a long time since he heard that raw voice, singing to him while playing the guitar. The recording opened with "It's been a long time since you've gone..." and Renjun blinked in amazement listening to the next word after word.
Did Jaehyun compose it himself?
From the beginning of the song until the end, Renjun can only froze at his place. Jaehyun's voice sounds so raw, but as beautiful as ever. His guitar strums sometimes sound out of tempo, but Renjun can still enjoy it. He could imagine the man record it in his room, while he was alone, maybe even half drunk.
He decided not to comment, but replayed the song over and over until he knew it by heart. Will this be Jaehyun's first single? When will he release it?
There are many things Renjun wants to ask, including whether Jaehyun wrote this song for him. But Renjun chose to keep the question to himself. He didn't even understand why Jaehyun sent that song to him, without context, without any more words. So until they finally had the chance to meet again, Renjun just remained silent.
It was when they had dinner with the members in preparation for the next full team comeback that they met again. Jaehyun stole glances several times, but Renjun pretended not to notice. The man looked so restless at where he sat. Johnny offered him a drink several times, but Jaehyun refused and chose to be busy with his chopsticks. No one knows what he was actually trying to do, or why he seems so nervous.
Even until they were ready to go home, Jaehyun barely touched his food. He only ate a few bites and mostly staring blankly at his plate. Not even trying to engage with the conversation. Renjun kinda felt bad because he realized he probably one of the cause too.
"Oh no! I think I'm too drunk to take you home," Jungwoo said in a... weird tone, making Renjun frowned. "How about you Johnny?"
"Ah, I don't think I can either. I’m not feeling well right now. I guess I'll go home with the manager and the others."
"I can take a taxi with Jisung," Renjun answered casually, because they usually go home together anyway.
"Jisung will come home with me. He will stay at my place tonight," said Chenle out of nowhere. And when Jisung looked confused and was about to protest, Chenle covered his mouth.
Renjun raised an eyebrow in confusion, but when Jaehyun came out and everyone seemed to be throwing codes with eyes at each other, he understood what it all meant. Renjun could only snort in disbelief.
"Ah... Jaehyun isn't drunk, right? He can take Renjun to the dorm," said Jungwoo, still in his weird tone.
"Yeah, Jaehyun doesn't even drink at all. I think he can drive," Johnny tried to reassure, but Renjun just stared at him bored. Why the hell they have to do this?
"I could take a taxi, really," but Renjun still tried even though he knew in the end he wouldn't have a choice. Bet they have plot everything since the beginning.
"I brought my car. I can take you home," Jaehyun said hesitantly, looking at Renjun and his friends, who were obviously trying to encourage him, in turn, "If you want… of course."
Renjun really wanted to laugh because this plot looked so stupid to him. He tried his best not to roll his eyes. At the end, he decided to nod and say a small, "Okay."
He can hear their friends sighed in relief, but Renjun pretended not to understand why. He tried to appreciate his friends' efforts no matter how stupid it is. Bet they are also the ones who are tired of seeing the cold war between them all this time.
Jaehyun then smiled ear to ear and nodded enthusiastically. It makes Renjun smiled back because.. oh, turns out he also miss to see that stupid grin and flushed face. It’s been awhile. He hasn’t see the older one being this fluffy mess for quite some time.
Throughout the ride to the dorm, even until Jaehyun parked his car in the basement, they just keep on silent. Renjun knew Jaehyun was nervous, but he didn't try to lighten the mood either. He wanted to see how Jaehyun would try to overcome his awkwardness.
It was after they sat in the car for almost full five minutes and Jaehyun still too comfortable in his silent mode then Renjun sighed and rolled his eyes. This won't work. He forgot that Jaehyun could shut his mouth as long as he wanted when he was busy with his own thoughts. Old habits die hard indeed.
"You want to stop by? For a tea?" Renjun finally broke the silence. Jaehyun flinched, but then nodded.
When walking towards Renjun's dorm unit, their hands touched several times. Jaehyun stiffened every time their skin touched, but didn't move his hand away. It's weird and awkward, but Renjun just smiles. He sometimes forgot that no matter how fierce Jaehyun's image was in front of the camera, he was just a nervous wreck when he didn't know what to do. One of the reason why Renjun always feel like he couldn't let him go because he was afraid that the man would fall and shatter into pieces if he wasn't there to support him.
Now they sat facing each other, with two cups of green tea between them. Jaehyun was still silent and Renjun didn't try to open the conversation. Because honestly, he doesn't know what to say either.
Asking how he is doing will be weird because even though they no longer communicate, they still see each other almost every day. Asking what he was busy with also didn't feel right, because they knew each other's schedules from what their managers shared with the group. So Renjun chose to remain silent and wait for Jaehyun to start the conversation.
It took a few heartbeats later before Jaehyun saying, "You've been doing well," he then paused, "I'm glad to see how you've been doing well lately."
"Thanks, I guess? I decided to continue therapy and do new things. It's not that bad. Trying new things, I mean."
Jaehyun nodded slow, still not meeting Renjun's eyes, "Yeah," he said while tapping the edge of the cup, "I.. uh... have also written a lot since we... uhm... broke up. Mark said writing helps us untangled our thoughts and I think he was right. It's quite relaxing."
"So the song you sent me a few days ago, you wrote it?"
Red began to creep up Jaehyun's ears and cheeks. He smiled shyly while biting his lip. Then he rubbed the back of his neck while nodding in embarrassment. Oh, Renjun missed this too. He missed how Jaehyun reacted when he was flustered.
"I like it. The song."
Like a puppy that happy to be praised, Jaehyun looked up. His eyes widened and his smile grew wider.
"Uhm.. yeah.. I wrote it when I was thinking about us. I realized that you were right, I thought I was doing the best for you, but actually I was being selfish. I only focused on what I thought was right, but never asked what you really were want. I think that's what brings us to this ending."
Renjun smiled, "You once said that you wouldn't let me suffer just to be with you. So Jaehyunah... why do you have to suffer just to make me happy?"
Jaehyun looked down, then sighed before saying, "I know and I'm sorry. I wish I could turn back time and fix everything, but I can't. So the only thing I can do now is apologize."
"That's it? Just apologize?" Renjun teased, making Jaehyun's face even redder like a boiled crab.
"Well, if I have to be honest, I wanted to wait for you to come back to me but... okay, I guess I'm starting to get impatient." Jaehyun said in one breath, "I miss you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Every corner, every side, everything reminds me of you and I don't know what to do because I promised to respect your decision. But Renjunah... can we go back? Can you give me another chance?"
For a moment Renjun just let silence envelope them. He studied the tired face that now looked so in pain. Jaehyun suffers. Just like him, Jaehyun also suffered. Maybe even more because the older one always find it difficult to open up to others. He is always like that. That's also what made their relationship didn’t work before.
There are a million reasons why Renjun should give their relationship up. There are a million reasonable things that should make him consider not repeating the same mistake. But is that what he wants? He's been thinking about this for almost a year. They had taken enough time and space to think and there was only one conclusion. That being apart was too painful for both of them.
"You know, people say that getting back to a ruined relationship is useless because it's like reading the same book over and over again," Renjun said calmly. He could see the hope in Jaehyun's eyes slowly fading, "But I guess I don't mind. After all, we are the writers of our own story. So we can always change the plot and ending as we like."
Jaehyun opened and closed his mouth several times. Seems to be having difficulty finding the right words to respond. But then he stood up and sat kneeling under Renjun’s feet before hugging his waist and burying his face there. Like a child seeking his mother's warmth.
Renjun just chuckled softly, then stroked the man's head. Jaehyun repeatedly mumbled thank you and Renjun could only nod and hug his head tightly. Ah, how could he live without any physical touch with this man for months? Now that he had Jaehyun back in his arms, Renjun realize he would no longer be able to let go.
Hugging Jaehyun felt right.
Hugging the man who had always been her home felt right.
"Guess no matter what happens, I will always come back to you, huh?" Renjun said while still stroking Jaehyun's hair.
That's when Jaehyun lifted his face, still leaning on Renjun's thigh, then said, "I guess we will be together even in the next hundred lives. You have no choice. You are stuck with me in every lifetime, in every universe."
Renjun laughed and Jaehyun smiled. Slowly but surely, the weight in their hearts lifted. Replaced by a feeling of comfort and security. It's warm. Like the first sun of spring.
For the first time after months of hurting each other, they finally found their way back. They still have a long way to go and definitely won't be easy. No one knows what the future holds but both Jaehyun and Renjun are sure that they will always find a way to stay together.
So, yeah… sometimes when you love someone you have to let go. Not because you give up, but because you know, if it really is love, you will always try to find each other again.
Even in another life.
Even in another universe.