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Gorou stands in front of the gravesite if the resent battle. So many people lost their lives and it was all his fault. The blood was on his hands.
Gorou sits down and draws his knees to his chest, putting his head on his knees curling into himself. As the night sky and all the star shine above him.
That last battle was one of the worst he had been in, his strategy was supposed to work.
They were supposed to push the forces back.
They were supposed report back to her Excellency.
They were supposed to gather an info report
They were supposed to begin night watch like always
They were supposed to always fight about who would be the first one out on lookout.
They were supposed to laugh and collect souvenirs of the battle afterwards
They were supposed to talk about how they were close to being discharged and seeing their families again
They were…
Supposed…
To be alive
“I’m sorry everyone” he mutters.
This was all his fault.
“I let you down.”
If only he was prepared for the possibility of the shogunate calling back up reinforcements.
He voice shakes as he says “P-please forgive me…”.
Why is he asking that? He know they would never forgive him.
He curls into himself more as of to draw the wall he built around himself close, to block out everything.
To block out all the pain.
And the guilt.
But he knew it was futile.
It would always come back.
He wonders what their families will think?
Actually he knows their families will think.
He know he should’ve done better.
Why was he alive and they weren’t?
Why wasn’t he killed in that battle with the rest of them?
It would’ve been better that way-
A hand touches his shoulder, interrupting him from his thoughts that threatened to drown him.
He flinched and looks up.
Oh it’s just Kazuha.
He kneels next to Gorou and looks him in the eyes with a reassuring look as if to try to tell him it’s okay.
He knows it isn’t.
Why is he here?
Why does he care
He shouldn’t.
He doesn’t deserve to see this.
Kazuha sits down next to him.
His hand makes its way to his back. Gorou tenses and starts to shake a little, it was like Kazuha was rocking his boat of emotions I tried so hard to contain threatening to capsize the carefully constructed barriers he had built around himself.
Kazuha shouldn’t have to see him like this.
To see him defeated and weak.
Gorou feels that he should say something.
But he can’t.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Kazuha says as if reading his mind.
Gorou blinked slowly from exhaustion and the mental strain.
Even after everything, a coward like him has nothing to say?
“Just listen.” Kazuha says.
Gorou looks at the ground.
“This isn’t you’re fault, you tried your best. I know you did.”
“But it wasn’t enough…” Gorou mutters, his voice strained.
“Gorou-“
“It’s never enough…I try and I work and nothing seems to matter in the long run…it’s all futile… people still die due to my negligence…”
Gorou continued.
“ I should’ve seen it coming I should’ve prepared for anything and everything, there’s so many things it could’ve been prevented if I was better! Why am I not better?! Why am I not good enough?! Why…just why…”
Like a flame being a lit it went out just as quickly.
“Gorou.” Kazuha says slowly.
“You are an amazing General, and a more amazing friend. These people look up to you, they see your passion, hard work, and dedication you have for your case. You’re not the one to sit back and watch people suffer unfairly. For what it’s worth…that is enough. You can’t prevent all tragedy, you’re only human not a god. You can’t carry the world on shoulders, it will weigh down in the long run.”
There is a pause, followed by silence.
Kazuha sees the anguish his soul is going though.
Kazuha looks at him, he really looks at him. He sees a warrior with a wounded spirit. The scars cut deep and some are fresh and some have been there for a long time without being treated. He sees how fragile it is, like touch could shatter him completely still stays intact despite it all. Do you see someone that gives himself to others but neglects himself.
Kazuha knows what to say.
“You are enough.” Kazuha says his word genuine and true.
Gorou closes his eyes
He didn’t realize he was leaning into Kazuha as he ran a hand down his back nor the tears gathering in his eyes.
The hand on his back stopped.
Gorou notices.
He sinks into himself again.
He know he didn’t deserve this, all of these kind words. They shouldn’t be for him.
But then arms slowly and gently wrapped around him as the arms draw him to a place of warmth.
Gorou started to hear something
It was like a faint song
It was beating
It…was alive
It was Kazuha’s heart
A sigh of life in all this death. The sound he wish he heard multiple times today when checking on his comrades.
He couldn’t take it anymore. The emotions he tried so hard to conceal were coming out. Gorou weeped in Kazuha’s gentle arms. Animalistic noises escaped him sounding wounded puppy mixing in with his own sobs. Normally he would be embarrassed when these sounds came out of him. But now he doesn’t care.
He wonders how a failure like him deserves this warmth.
Deserves this shoulder to cry on.
Amidst all his pondering Kazuha hand was run though his hair and his ears, his other hand was resting on his back as Kazuha whispered soft reassurances.
“It’s okay, just let it out I’m here…I’m right here there’s no one here but us.” Kazuha says, as he slowly begins to rock him back and forth.
Eventually the cries stop and Gorou curled up in his arms, eyes barely open, his breath shaky but steady and the occasional hiccup escaping his lips. Feeling like his energy has almost been well spent. Kazuha touches his cheek which startles Gorou a little, his eyes prying open and looks at him from his shoulder.
Kazuha gives him a reassuring smile as the hand on his cheek starts wiping his tears. Gorou closes his eyes and leans into his hand unconsciously.
“Hey, Gorou.” Kazuha whispers.
“Hmm…” Gorou makes a uncommitted sound, still leaning on his hand.
“Let’s head back to the camp, you need rest my friend.” Kazuha suggests.
“W-wait…no…” Gorou says, his voice sounding small.
Gorou tries to get up but Kazuha catches him.
“I…c-can’t…j-just…leave them…” Gorou pleads
Kazuha looks up at the graves of their fallen comrades.
“I don’t want…them to…be…left behind…
“They will be…all…alone…”
Kazuha tries to think if something, then he sees something in the distance.
“Wait here, I will be right back.” Kazuha says getting up and walking a short distance.
Gorou was left there confused.
Kazuha came back with a handfuls of bioluminescent flowers that grew on Watatsumi.
He walks around and puts one flower on each grave. The more he spreads out the plants the more light admits filling the darkness of the night.
He goes back to Gorou and sits beside him again.
“See Gorou, even if your not here. They will have their own light, to remind them they are never alone.”
Gorou looks out at the light emitting from the flowers and gives a sad and tired smile.
He leans his head on Kazuha’s shoulder the exhaustion sinking in as he closes his eyes.
“Let’s…go back…to camp…” Gorou says, falling asleep on him
Kazuha takes the general in his arms and starts walking back to camp.
“Thank you…for everything” Gorou mutters.
Kazuha looks down and smiles as he watches him turn his head against his chest and finally fall asleep, finally at peace and unburdened by the pain in his soul. And while it will take time to heal.
He doesn’t mind at all being there when he needs him, Kazuha thinks as he puts Gorou on his sleeping mat and covering him up
He will make sure that he will never be left behind.