Work Text:
“I think I’ll move out soon.”
Jihoon’s words broke the usual companionable silence they shared after a day full of schedules. They all loved each other, but there was only so much conversation one could endure after living and working together for years. Jihoon resumed— what was close to — inhaling his food, he was always like that after working out.
Jeonghan only muttered a weak eung~, followed by Seungkwan’s “Okay, hyung. Let us know if you need any help.”
From the outside that’s not the typical reaction to your long-time dormmate and friend suddenly telling you they’re living, but as it turns out their relationships are not quite typical.
It actually came as a surprise to Jeonghan that Jihoon wasn’t the first one to leave the dorm, Soonyoung was. Come to think of it, that was silly of him. Jihoon spends most of his time in the Universe Factory, so his living arrangements naturally wouldn’t be his first priority. Soonyoung wasn’t that far behind in terms of workaholic-ness, but he was also fond of one-night stands and falling in love with people he knew for about a week — and therefore had to spend all his free time with them. The three other guys weren’t doing any favors for him in that aspect, so he left.
Besides, that was the natural course of things within the group. They’ve been sharing cramped and untidy homes for as long as they can remember: because they had to know each other better, because they didn’t have money, because it was more practical, and so on. Now they were older and richer. They earned the right to live however they wanted. Only to a certain degree, obviously.
Enlistment wasn’t knocking on their doors per se, but it wasn’t such a faraway thing that they could put off worrying about. They had to learn how to live more separate lives because that is the prospect for any K-pop group that lasts as long as their does. Jeonghan didn’t let himself dwell on that rabbit hole for too long, it was no use. No amount of wishful thinking could change the ways he knew this machine he’s a part of worked. Still, one shouldn’t torture oneself and that’s what he tried to do.
At the time, Soonyoung had also said jokingly he was leaving first because he didn’t want to wait around and end up being the one stuck with Jeonghan and Seungkwan alone.
“Huh?!” Seungkwan’s eyes doubled in size and his lips already turned pouty. “What are you talking about?”
Soonyoung’s eyes turned into crescents while he laughed and tried to dodge Seungkwan’s punch to his arm. “Ah, Seungkwanie, you know what.”
“No, I don’t!”
Seungkwan’s lips got even poutier if that was even possible. As Jeonghan watched their interaction unfold he was hit with the sudden realization that he would really miss seeing Seungkwan’s drama and theatrics every day. He always used his cuteness and maknae privileges as a manipulation tactic in silly moments like these. Seungkwan was too diligent and responsible for his own good, it was nice to see him let loose for a change.
However, Seungkwan wasn’t leaving — at least not now — so why the concern? Before he could think more about that Soonyoung turned to him. “Ok, then! Hyung, you know what I’m talking about right?”
“No, I don’t. I think me and Seungkwan are the perfect match for roommates!”
Soonyoung laughed wholeheartedly. “Oh, hyung. That’s exactly the problem.”
Jihoon never said things he didn’t mean and in this case, it was no different. Two weeks after his announcement he was out of their apartment and it wasn’t mean to say Jeonghan barely felt a difference. In the first few days when he couldn’t sleep or was woken up by Seungkwan moving around the dorm, he’d spend a few seconds wondering if Jihoon would be coming home until he remembered it was only him and Seungkwan now.
An uneasiness he couldn’t quite name settled in his chest for the rest of the month. Jeonghan knew he wasn’t helpless, he could very well live by himself. He just didn’t want to.
It was known amongst the members that Jeonghan didn’t like to be alone. He’d always have a rotation of who was going to be his best friend for the month and, though Jeonghan would never admit it, his efforts to be the certified therapist friend weren’t just for the member’s well-being but his own too. He wanted to be needed.
Still, that wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. The difference was that when Jihoon and Soonyoung were on the verge of leaving he didn’t feel this way, if anything he was happy for them. That’s not the case with Seungkwan.
It’s not that he doesn’t root for Seungkwan’s happiness — of course he does. It’s just that Seungkwan could be perfectly happy as he is, right next to Jeonghan’s side. For all that Seungkwan showed on variety shows, he wasn’t actually that much of an extrovert. He preferred to stay in his room watching dramas or going on walks all by himself. Maybe he’d be better off living alone like the rest of the members, but Jeonghan hoped deep down he wanted his company.
Seungkwan was one of the few members that actually seemed to have his shit together. He wasn’t top #1 because of Joshua Hong — the guy with the greatest work-life balance known to man. Seungkwan wasn’t far behind, even being one of the youngest members he has always been confident. He knew what he wanted from day one, had the voice of an angel and the charisma some sunbaes couldn’t achieve even after years in the industry.
Fans thought he was insecure about his looks and— while that was true maybe during their debut years — Seungkwan never sold himself short. He knew that in this industry there was a certain standard to be met and he worked hard to find a way to do it with minimal damage because no damage wasn’t really an option. Jeonghan always thought he was pretty, his full cheeks, round eyes, and button nose making him look cherubic. He wasn’t lying when he said if he had to date a member he’d choose Seungkwan.
The point is: he was most things Jeonghan himself wasn’t. He ended up as an idol by chance, even though he worked hard he knew there were things he couldn’t achieve — he just didn’t have what it took. At least that’s what he’d tell himself. He was given the “pretty boy” title and tried to honor it. After they started doing Going Seventeen he gained more attention for basically being a menace and that was easy to maintain. Fans wanted him to go on more variety shows, do more intelligence types of games, and do more, more, and more.
Even Seungkwan himself encouraged him to, but he wasn’t fit for it. The idea of being exposed to industry sunbaes — especially the variety show ones — and risking being judged for these unorthodox strategies wasn’t something he wanted.
“You’d do so well, seriously,” Seungkwan would say to him every time he did something particularly funny or unexpected on a GoSe episode. He had always been more of a hyung than Jeonghan himself was, always looking above and beyond for him. Never in a way that forced or pushed him too much, Jeonghan was fragile not just in the physical sense and Seungkwan was one of the few members who saw that and treated him with care.
He also knew how hard it was for Jeonghan to follow the other vocal team members. “Hyung, it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s just you don’t believe in yourself.” Seungkwan’s hand was on his shoulder massaging softly, “You did it in front of Jihoonie-hyung, and in front of me just now, you’ll be able to do it in the studio and live too. You’re on the team for a reason, you know that right?” Seungkwan’s eyes were so kind and trusting he didn’t have it in himself to deny him of anything.
It was always hard for Jeonghan when they had a comeback that included vocal team songs. He never really felt like he proved himself worthy of the position on the team, no matter how many years passed and the countless reassurance the members offered him. Dokyeom had gone through something similar in their earlier years but being part of a musical boosted his confidence, also with a voice like his it was only a matter of time before he realized all that worrying was senseless. Joshua was used to singing since he was a kid, so, even though he didn’t have the same vocal prowess of Seungkwan or Dokyeom, he knew how to work with what he was given. Jihoon was flawless in everything he did and there was a certain power in singing the lyrics you wrote none of them could replicate.
Joshua was the first one to get closer to Jeonghan and the first person he confided about his insecurities, to this day he is always there to ease the mess Jeonghan’s mind could become, but with the dorm changes it was hard to find time to really talk to one another. Jihoon lived with him but he wasn’t an option, he didn’t feel like it was fair to burden him with yet another thing considering how much he gave to the group. So it was Seungkwan.
Even if Jeonghan tried to hide, Seungkwan would find him. He was observant to a fault, and caring too. He meddled, nagged, and pushed because he cared. That’s how they grew closer, Jeonghan wouldn’t willingly let himself be vulnerable, be the listened instead of the listener for once if Seungkwan didn’t lead him there. It would always start with Seungkwan talking about his sorrow and then he was spilling his guts about things that could never cross Seungcheol’s mind.
Sharing your life with someone who could see you that way was rare and Jeonghan never took anything for granted. When the recordings for the new album were finally done and they had a rest day, Jeonghan waited for Seungkwan to come back home after hanging out with SinB and Umj to finally ask him about the housing situation.
He went straight for the shower after arriving, complaining about the heat outside. After he was settled in his room, Jeonghan knocked on the door before opening it slightly.
“You busy?”
“No,” Seungkwan said softly as he looked up from his phone, his hair was wet and he was only wearing a towel on his hips. “Only trying to... Uh-oh. I know that look, you wanna talk about something serious”
“Aish.. it’s nothing like that, c’mon.” Jeonghan sat next to Seungkwan on the bed and tried to look as carefree as possible. It really wasn’t something that serious, but Jeonghan’s complicated feelings flowed out of him and Seungkwan was always attentive.
“Hm. What is it then?” He set his phone down on the duvet and crossed his hands over his belly, he was all ears. Seungkwan’s cologne filled the room with the smell of the ocean and Jeonghan had to blink twice to focus.
“I was wondering if you want to go live by yourself like Jihoon. It’s okay if you do, I just wanted a heads-up so I could find another place too.” Jeonghan smiled weakly at a puzzled-looking Seungkwan.
“Do you want me to leave?” Seungkwan didn’t sound angry or sad when saying those words, still, it took Jeonghan aback to hear them.
“What? No!” Jeonghan ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “I’m not asking this because I want you to leave, it’s just… I don’t know what goes through your mind but I know you worry and I didn’t want you to feel as if you have to keep on living with me, for whatever reason.”
“Nonsense, hyung. You’re silly.” Seungkwan reached out to hold Jeonghan’s hand in between his own. “I’m not going anywhere, I like living with you. Even in this fucked up apartment…”
Jeonghan giggled and it was true that the apartment wasn’t the best. The structure was old and they had all sorts of weird problems with the boiling and AC system, not to mention the paranormal things Jeonghan saw from time to time that would always creep out the other man.
“Ah, okay then. I’m glad.” Jeonghan realized Seungkwan was right. He was silly and he definitely felt like it right now.
“You really were nervous to talk about this, weren’t you?” This was all very amusing for Seungkwan, who had a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. “So cute.”
Jeonghan avoided Seungkwan’s eyes and focused on the droplets of water that came from Seungkwan’s hair and fell to his exposed collarbones. He was now reminded of Soonyoung’s comment from before and wondered what he was getting himself into, he also wondered if Seungkwan could feel it too — this feeling of being on the edge of something big.
The following months passed by as usual. Jeonghan would practice, go to his Japanese classes, shoot ads, pose for magazines, and try to squeeze in something fun — like building legos or hanging out with Sowon. Seungkwan did all that and on top of it also went on countless variety shows and somehow found time to watch crappy horror films with Jeonghan.
Jeonghan never understood how he managed to juggle all these responsibilities but he’d do it, and he’d do it flawlessly. He himself was still trying to build courage in order to face the studio, as they had a mini-album scheduled to release at the end of the year. During the recording of Your Choice he struggled so badly with the vocal team song he came close to giving up. It took a collective effort of the members to encourage him of his capability for Jeonghan actually pull through.
It was a weird time, Jeonghan was usually the one helping and looking out for them — not the other way around. He didn’t really like to be vulnerable like that, so when things like this happened no one really knew how to deal with him. Seungkwan would pace around the apartment, knocking on the door to Jeonghan’s room multiple times to remind him to take whatever new supplement he was obsessed with at the moment. He never really brought anything up with Jeonghan, he knew it was better not to.
There wasn’t much to say. Jeonghan’s job was to sing and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out how to — it was too pathetic and there weren’t any platitudes that could make him feel better about that. Seungkwan felt that way too, he knew there were things that were meant to be uncomfortable and there was no stopping it, only going through, so that’s what Jeonghan did.
When he finally got the green light from Jihoon it was like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He tried not to think too hard about the fact that he’d have to sing the song live at some point and just enjoy that he did it, the future wasn’t his just yet. The first thing he said to Seungkwan when he got home was that Same dream, same mind, same night was done.
“Ohh! I’m so happy!” Seungkwan rushed to hug him and Jeonghan could feel the man’s cheeks squished beside his own. “I always knew you could do it, hyung. Seriously.”
Seungkwan stepped back and he had this smile so bright one could mistake him for being the one who achieved something that night. He stared right into Jeonghan’s face and crooked his head to the side.
“Why do you look so gloomy? This is something to celebrate!”
“I said the song was done but that doesn’t mean it was easy. I’m tired.” Jeonghan explained. It took longer than the usual recording session and every single comment Jihoon made wore him down faster. He was just happy to get it over with.
Whereas Jeonghan acted nonchalant towards most things, Seungkwan would make a big deal out of everything — for better or worse. Happiness, sadness, and everything in between would be experienced to the utmost extent by him until there was nothing left to feel but numbness. There was no such thing as “not a big deal” in his vocabulary.
“Are you too tired that you can’t have a drink with me?”
Seungkwan’s intensity wasn’t restricted to himself but to everyone around him. He was proud of Jeonghan and, even if Jeonghan himself couldn’t see it, he deserved to feel all that pride and happiness — if only for a little while before the impostor syndrome kicked in. Jeonghan was a weak man and if it were up to him Seungkwan would always get his way, so he went. If Seungkwan thought he deserved a drink, then maybe he did.
They went to their usual spot at a restaurant owned and visited by people either too old to recognize them or too old to care if they did. At first, Seungkwan led most of the conversation, gossiping about some industry people he barely knew, but it didn’t really matter because Jeonghan liked to hear all of Seungkwan’s stories. He had a talent for storytelling that could make the most mundane situations interesting.
Jeonghan finally let loose when the shots of soju started kicking in. Unlike some of the members, alcohol had a soothing effect on him. Instead of being hyper he just felt mellow and sleepy, more than usual anyway. That was all he needed at the moment, though. He spent the last few days cursing and not allowing himself to enjoy anything until he did a good job with the recording, so the ease of drinking and talking to Seungkwan without worrying was much needed.
“Jihoon really did a number on me this time…” Now that it was over with, Jeonghan felt more comfortable talking about it. “He told me I should do something about it, something that would make the recording process more enjoyable.”
“I agree, it could affect you more in the future if you ignore it.” Seungkwan said softly, he was playing with the food on his plate not looking at Jeonghan directly. Jeonghan always thought Seungkwan saw him as if he was made of china, his words and actions lighter than they were with the other hyungs.
“I don’t know what to do, though.” Jeonghan sighed and looked to the window next to them, all of the lights from the street making his eyes tingle. “I’ve been a singer for so long, what is there to do? Exposure therapy? Just staying in the studio until I don’t feel as distressed anymore?”
Seungkwan giggled and hit him in the arm, “Don’t make me laugh! This is serious.” He scrunched his eyebrows trying to come up with an actual idea. “Well, you don’t usually take on solo projects, do you?”
“Just singing a few lines on a vocal team song is stressing me out and you think I’m going to take a whole solo project?” Jeonghan looked close to exasperated.
“Don’t be dumb, let me finish,” Seungkwan scolded him and took a deep breath. “A solo project isn’t necessarily something like Spider or a mixtape. You could release a cover, or produce a song of your own, just for yourself and the fans. I’m sure they’ll love to hear more of your voice, I know I will.”
Jeonghan kept eating, he didn’t feel sold on the idea. It had been a while since he released anything solo. The last time was probably at the Ideal Cut concert and it wasn’t even his idea. All of the members did it, so he had to do it as well. Seungkwan saw Jeonghan wavering and insisted.
“It sounds daunting but if you are the one producing and writing you have much more control over how you will sound. Singing a whole song by yourself is difficult but you did it before, right? Besides, I think the only way to feel comfortable singing is by exploring your voice in all of the ways it can be used, within the team we don’t get to do that often. Regardless of the result, I think it’s going to help you.”
Seungkwan was determined to convince him and, honestly, it kind of worked. Trying wouldn’t hurt and if he didn’t like the song he could just not release it. Creating a song was also better because he wouldn’t compare himself with someone else, the way he would if he did a cover, for example.
“For a dongsaeng you’re quite mature, Seungkwanie.” That was the only thing Jeonghan said after Seungkwan’s whole speech and the man obviously noticed.
“This better be your way of telling me you’ll do what I said or I’ll kick your ass”
Jeonghan did what he said. After the promotions for Your Choice he started to think what the song would be about. For him it was easier this way, first a theme, then lyrics, and finally a sound. Of course, the lyrics and the sound went hand in hand, but Jeonghan wanted to tell a story, he just had to figure out what story was it.
For Purple Rose he had a sexy concept, he tried to make the lyrics as poetic as possible but it was about fucking, basically. Nothing wrong with that, but repeating what he did before wouldn’t help him in the long run. Besides, he wanted to write something sweet.
Living with Seungkwan for the last few months made him softer. There was something different about sharing your everyday life with only one person. Seungkwan would buy vitamins for him, leave painkillers on his nightstand when he went out to drink with Mingyu, and laugh with him about his absurd dreams over breakfast. They knew each other’s family and it wasn’t uncommon for Jeonghan’s dad to come around to visit, or for Seungkwan’s sisters to complain about their brother whenever they’d FaceTime him.
Being an idol made it hard to properly date, even with people within the industry. Jeonghan tried and failed, now he felt too old to make himself go through heartbreak again. However, even with his lack of experience, he could feel love there. It was funny that with Seungkwan it was like they skipped every relationship stage and went straight to a married couple.
Now that it was just the two of them, Seungkwan let himself be more vulnerable. He never hid his desire for physical affection, he’d always touch everyone around him like a habit — pinching ears, massaging shoulders, back hugging, and any other place he could get his hands on. Jeonghan wasn’t exactly surprised when he felt another warm body slipping under the covers while he scrolled through his phone.
“Seungkwan, is that you?” The past days had been hectic for both of them, they saw each other but barely had any time to exchange words or do something together.
“Who else would it be?” Seungkwan’s voice was slurred and low like he’d just woken up and was still asleep. They weren’t touching, but he was close enough that Jeonghan felt Seungkwan’s breath blowing on his nape.
“You’re the one invading my bed and you wanna act rude, you punk.” Jeonghan tried to sound stern even with goosebumps all over his body, maybe Seungkwan wouldn’t see through him.
The bed shifted again and Seungkwan huddled closer, he wrapped one arm around Jeonghan’s waist and threw his leg over him. Jeonghan was still as a statue until he felt the cold tip of Seungkwan’s nose on his neck, the shiver that went through his body made Seungkwan smile and nuzzle even more.
“Just ‘cause you like it.” Fuck. Seungkwan always knew, too observant for his own good.
But if Seungkwan was here it was because he wanted something too and he had always been braver. Jeonghan could stand a lifetime of wanting without ever doing anything that would get him closer to achieving it and here was Seungkwan handing it to him on a silver platter.
“Too cold to sleep alone?” If Jeonghan were a different person maybe he would allow himself to enjoy things without scrutinizing them, alas, that wasn’t the case.
“Not really. Just missed you.” Jeonghan smelled like soap, he didn’t really like putting on cologne to sleep, but that didn’t seem to matter for Seungkwan who was happily breathing in his scent. They lived together, what was there to be missed?
Jeonghan saved the question for later, cuddling made him feel sleepy and his eyes were already heavy. He put his hand on top of Seungkwan’s and allowed slumber to take hold of him.
The next day he woke up before Seungkwan, they had barely switched positions through the night so he had to move carefully not to wake up the other man. Jeonghan turned around to finally take a look at Seungkwan, during their brief conversation before falling asleep Jeonghan didn’t dare to look at him, afraid that his face would give something away, afraid that Seungkwan would see him and that would change his mind.
Seungkwan looked lovely, he was always cute but with his mouth slightly ajar and his cheek smushed on the pillow it struck Jeonghan more strongly. Strands of icy blue hair covered his eyes and Jeonghan lightly moved them out of the way, now he could see the undereye mole Seungkwan had, they were never close enough for him to see it more clearly. Jeonghan decided it was time to get up before he did something stupid like kissing Seungkwan’s constellation of moles.
Jeonghan knew Seungkwan wasn’t a morning person and if left unsupervised his breakfast was only an iced americano, he thought Seungkwan deserved something better and actually fulfilling. He wasn’t the best at cooking, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
Thankfully Seungkwan only woke up when he was almost finished, his hair was up in different directions and he was rubbing his eyes, “What time is it?” His voice was raspy and rough, Jeonghan grabbed a cup to give him some water.
“Good morning to you, too. It’s almost 11.” He handed the cup to Seungkwan who took it gladly. Only then did he seem to notice the breakfast table.
“Wow, you did all this?” Seungkwan’s shocked face only made him happier.
“Yeah, I was up early so…” So I wanted to surprise you, I wanted to show I care. So I tried to translate difficult words into something simple. I barely have time for myself most days but I took my time and made it yours.
Jeonghan didn’t say any of that, but deep down he hoped the words would come through somehow.
“Aw hyung, thank you. You know I’m on a diet, though.” Seungkwan pouted while looking at the table with different types of bread and rice.
“It’s only one meal, it won’t hurt you,” Jeonghan knew it was easier said than done, but Seungkwan was too hard on himself about eating yummy food. “Besides I made it for you, I’ll be hurt if you don’t eat it.”
“You always resort to emotional manipulation, aren’t you ashamed?.” Seungkwan had a cheeky smile plastered on his face. “You even got bread for me, low blow.”
“Stop complaining when I’m trying to save you from burning your stomach at 23 from all those iced americanos.” Jeonghan faked annoyance as pulled the chair from their dining table and pointed at it until Seungkwan came and sat down.
Jeonghan opened the fridge and took the juice jug to the table, orange juice was better served cold. Seungkwan was still staring at the food instead of eating it. “What are you waiting for?”
“You.”
When Dream came out he felt so anxious he could throw up. Compared to other member’s releases that had MV’s, live performances, and were available on multiple platforms his song was a walk in the park. It was a digital single available on Youtube only, what made it different was the fact that he recorded a Japanese version. Their team didn’t have any Japanese members but they had a lot of Japanese fans, and they especially liked Jeonghan. So he took it upon himself to learn the language as best as he could and become the resident Japanese-speaking member.
It was a small release, it wouldn’t gain much traction but it was important to him. He was proud of it, he wrote something meaningful, something he liked to listen to and wouldn’t be too shy to recommend to others. Seungkwan was almost as excited as him — Jeonghan didn’t let him listen to it until the release. He was afraid Seungkwan would have questions he didn’t have the answer to, or he didn’t want to give.
They were practicing when the song came out and Jeonghan saw Seungkwan sneaking out with headphones to “go to the bathroom”. Jihoon had already listened to it, but he congratulated Jeonghan all the same. Cheol, Shua and Dokyeom had also listened and praised him lots, Dokyeom went as far as sending him a long paragraph commending his courage and how he came a long way since debut. Jeonghan played it cool but it meant a lot to him to hear those things, especially from someone who experienced something similar.
All the members gave him a group hug and Seungkwan came out of the bathroom just in time to partake in it. He waited for everyone to scatter around the room to hug Jeonghan tightly.
“I love it so much, you did a great job!” Seungkwan’s voice was muffed but Jeonghan could feel it vibrating on the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Jeonghan held his waist with relish and waited, Seungkwan wasn’t one to spare words. “I wasn’t expecting you to release a ballad, but I’m so glad, it’s my favorite type of music.”
Oh, Jeonghan knew that. He knew that very well. “I wanted to surprise the fans after Purple Rose.” He said simply, it wasn’t the entire truth, but it wasn’t a lie either.
“Your voice is perfect, it’s sweet and delivers the feeling of the lyrics perfectly,” Seungkwan had been smiling the whole time but at saying this he pursed his lips. “I just wish you told me you had someone like that in your life.”
“Oh?” Jeonghan should’ve seen it coming but it took him by surprise, Seungkwan was more oblivious than he originally thought. “I’m not with anyone, Seungkwanie. The song is called Dream for a reason.”
Seungkwan didn’t look convinced. “But to write this it means you’re dreaming about someone.” Jeonghan didn’t say anything to that, he wasn’t about to incriminate himself even more.
“Cat got your tongue? Jeonghanie-hyung has a crush…” Seungkwan started to singsong and giggle when Jeonghan ran his hand through his hair frustratedly.
“There’s this thing called creativity, maybe you never came across it before, but people use it for artistic purposes sometimes!” Jeonghan was just throwing words now, after all, that was what he did best. It was hopeless though, in front of Seungkwan his facade didn’t last.
“One: you’re defensive; two: you don’t believe that; three: I know you too well just quit the act.” Seungkwan knew how to get on his nerves and the sweet moment turned into Jeonghan being flustered and pinching the bridge of his nose in stress. “I’m just joking, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but please remember I love some good gossip”
Seungkwan was joking but he was genuinely curious, he spent most of his time with Jeonghan but couldn’t tell that the man was in love? That didn’t make any sense. Besides, Jeonghan barely left the dorm except for schedules, maybe he was dating someone overseas? If that was the case Seungkwan would notice Jeonghan paying more attention to his phone. A staff member? He would notice if Jeonghan gave more attention to someone during their shootings.
It could be a member, but who? It wasn’t Seungcheol, that ship had sailed long ago, the blurred lines of their friendship helped them gain more attention from the public but Seungcheol never let it go beyond that — to Jeonghan’s dismay. Back when Jeonghan had long hair most of them had mixed feelings towards him, they were young and foolish and didn’t know a thing about sexuality. Jeonghan had long hair, smelled nice, and acted like a guiding figure, it was easy to get carried away.
Those years had passed, and things were different. Dokyeom would still let him hit, probably. It couldn’t go beyond that, though. Their personalities were too different, they worked better as friends. Joshua surprisingly was never an option, they really are like evil twins, also he’s had a steady girlfriend for a while now.
Seungkwan felt childish for being that invested in Jeonghan’s love life but he couldn’t help it, meddling was his way of showing love. He decided it was best to wait until practice was done to talk to someone about it, but the questions didn’t leave his mind. Their choreographer had to call Seungkwan out multiple times for missing tempo or doing a step wrong, even though Seungkwan wasn’t part of the Performance Team he prided himself in his clean dance steps, being on the spot like this made him feel inadequate.
When practice was finally done he told Jeonghan to go home and not wait him up. He convinced Soonyoung to drink with him for “old time’s sake”, when questioned as to why they couldn’t just drink with Jeonghan at the dorm and instead had to go to a restaurant Seungkwan made an excuse on the spot — something about missing the cool night breeze.
Soonyoung wasn’t daft but he didn’t insist, at least not for now. Once they were outside Seungkwan realized it really was too cold for them to be going on a late-night adventure, but the tteokbokki and soju in front of them made it all worth it. Practice was always grueling and most times they went to bed on an empty stomach, times like these had to be cherished.
Most of their meal was shared in silence until Seungkwan settled his hunger and felt ready to speak, “So, Jeonghanie-hyung’s song is quite good, huh?”
“I knew it,” Soonyoung said between mouthfuls of food. He had this mischievous smile on his face that never meant anything good. “You were weird all day and didn’t want Jeonghan to drink with us, even though you two are attached at the hip. I knew you’d wanna talk about it.”
“Okay, Mr. Fortune Teller, what am I going to say now?”
“Nothing too stupid I hope, but that’s a lot to ask for.” Soonyoung tipped his head back to take another shot and cleaned his mouth on his forearm. Gross.
“Now that’s rich coming from you.” Seungkwan’s words were heavy but he smiled while saying them, now he realized it really had been a while and he missed this banter with Soonyoung.
“You invite me for drinks to insult me?” Soonyoung scoffed. “Rude. Now just spit it out whatever is it you want to know, it’s too late and you know I’m a lightweight. Soon this soju will hit and I won’t answer for my actions anymore.”
Seungkwan took a deep breath. It was so stupid to be worked up about this, he knew it and yet his brain didn’t answer.
“Well, Jeonghan’s song was quite romantic but I don’t know who he’s dating and he won’t tell me,” Seungkwan said the words so quickly he wondered if they were even understandable. “I’ve been trying to piece things together and I created several theories but none of them add up. He said he wasn’t in a relationship, but that doesn’t make sense right? You have to be in love to write something like that.”
Soonyoung just stared at him, he was uncharacteristically quiet for a sextuple Gemini. The look on his face was something between fond and disgusted. “Kwan-ah, I’ll try to be as nice as I can, but why exactly do you think everyone says the both of you are a married couple? The person Jeonghan spends and invests most of his time with is you. No, he’s not in a relationship and yes, those are the lyrics someone writes when they’re in love. Don’t you get it?”
Seungkwan felt dizzy but soju wasn’t the only one to blame. He knew his relationship with Jeonghan wasn’t conventional and living together only made him crave more and more. Seungkwan would tell himself he acted the way he did because they were friends, but his thoughts betrayed him.
There was nothing wrong with sharing beds, but Seungkwan knew he touched Jeonghan like a starved man who enjoyed what he could get. There was nothing wrong with sharing clothes, but the thrill he felt at what people would imagine, that anyone would even assume Jeonghan was his. Perhaps there was something wrong in the way he wished for Jeonghan to be careless and let the thin walls of their apartment carry over the sounds he wanted to hear.
He never expected Jeonghan to want him back, never ached over it for long. They were coworkers and that already was a handful, Jeonghan was nice to him but he was nice to everyone in the group — he was their lighthouse. Seungkwan didn’t read too much into Jeonghan’s special attention to him, he was one of the youngest, and that naturally made people treat him with care.
Jeonghan was the most private, like he used all of his energy to listen to others and there was nothing left for himself. Seungkwan was one of the few members he’d share his worries with, in hindsight, he should’ve known better. On the way back home he kept listening to the song and it was like watching a movie of their moments together. Seungkwan watched as the rain poured outside the window of the cab and made up his mind.
When Seungkwan got home he could hear the faint noises coming from the TV, Jeonghan was lying on the couch and rubbed his eyes sleepily when he saw Seungkwan coming in from the corridor.
“I told you not to wait up.” Seungkwan said softly, Jeonghan looked disoriented, any type of noise or light would wake him up. He took off his coat and started looking for the TV remote.
“I wasn’t really up, though,” Jeonghan’s voice was scratchy and he coughed to help the words out. “As you can tell…”
“Still,” Seungkwan sat at the end of the couch and turned off the TV. “You should be in your bed, we have a schedule tomorrow.”
“Yeah, we do, and you were out drinking” Jeonghan regretted the words as soon as he said them. He sounded bitter and childish but he couldn’t help it, he wanted Seungkwan’s attention.
Dream was made for him and, even if Jeonghan didn’t plan on admitting that, he wanted to relish in Seungkwan’s praise and hear his thoughts — maybe the plan of only letting him hear the song once it came out had backfired. It didn’t make as much of an impact and Seungkwan didn’t even come home with him to celebrate.
“As if you don’t drink on weekdays too,” Seungkwan said with a smirk, he looked amused, strangely so. Jeonghan felt like he was left out of the loop on something, he just didn’t know what.
“But I always invite you.” Childish, jealous and greedy. The hours between midnight and sunrise always felt like this liminal space — if he thought this wasn’t real and Seungkwan wouldn’t remember it in the morning it was easier to not hold himself back.
“ Oh . So that’s the problem. Not that I was drinking, but that I was drinking without you.”
“You think too highly of yourself.” Jeonghan deflected, it was easier than saying the truth. If Seungkwan really did think that highly of himself he would’ve realized how pathetic Jeonghan was ages ago.
“Do I? Or are you just jealous?” Seungkwan’s voice was sharp, he wasn’t angry but he always loved a good debate even if he knew exactly how it was gonna end.
“Why would I be jealous?” He lied through his teeth and heard all the reasons echo in his head: because I want you to want me; because I want your undivided attention; because you’re easy to fall in love with and I’m scared someone will have the guts to do something about it before me .
“That’s what I want you to tell me” With only the warm kitchen light bathing his features, Seungkwan looked almost dangerous.
Jeonghan sat up and got closer to Seungkwan’s space, looking him up and down. “Are you drunk?”
“No.”
“You smell like soju.” Jeonghan’s look was suspicious, he was getting cornered and wanted to ensure Seungkwan wasn’t saying things lightly.
“Yes, because I drank soju,” Seungkwan deadpanned. “But I’m not drunk. I’m as sober as I’ll ever be.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Jeonghan could feel Seungkwan searching his face, he had gotten closer now. He probably took a shower before going out, the familiar smell of his shampoo clouding Jeonghan’s senses.
“You have an eyelash there,” Seungkwan touched his cheek softly and then blew on his finger. “Took your wish, sorry.”
There was this heavy tension in the air, usually, Jeonghan would be the one to find a way to break it, a way to run, but not this time. He just waited for Seungkwan to do something, he couldn’t bear to look at him in the face so he settled on looking down at his thighs — they were poorly covered by Seungkwan’s thin shorts.
Seungkwan took a deep breath and turned his eyes away from the corridor and back to Jeonghan. “There are some questions I need answering.”
Jeonghan barely had time to look up before he felt a warm hand on his neck and lips softly grazing his. Just like Jeonghan thought, Seungkwan wasn’t the time to do these things hastily. He was asking for permission — so Jeonghan gave it.
He deepened the kiss and grabbed Seungkwan’s waist, Seungkwan was the one who started it so he gave himself the right to be as desperate as possible. He touched everywhere he wanted and licked into Seungkwan’s mouth until the taste of soju felt his as well.
For all his bravery, Seungkwan seemed tentative, like Jeonghan was going to change his mind any second now. Jeonghan grabbed his hands and trailed them down his body. “Touch me, please.”
Seungkwan made a strained sound in the back of his throat, he didn’t need to be told twice. He got his hand under Jeonghan’s shirt and dragged his nails over his chest and abdomen, the way his muscles got tense only spurring him on. Jeonghan was easy to rile up, he realized.
Jeonghan moved his lips away to get in a more comfortable position, Seungkwan trailed after him, with lips swollen and shiny. He looked wrecked already. His kicked-puppy expression shouldn’t make Jeonghan’s pants tighter but there he was. He held onto Seungkwan’s hips to make him settle on his lap.
He caressed Seungkwan’s thighs up and down, after so many times cursing the man for wearing short shorts, he was now more thankful than ever. He knew Seungkwan liked it too, his breaths coming short and he had goosebumps all over. Seungkwan’s hand came under his chin and tipped his head up.
“My eyes are up here.”
Seungkwan grabbed Jeonghan’s hair and grinded on his lap, their kisses getting more desperate. Seungkwan grabbed the hem of Jeonghan’s shirt and took it off in one go, his mouth now trailing the man’s jawline, down to his neck then his clavicle. He grazed his teeth there and sucked on a hickey — if they were different people he would mark him all over.
Jeonghan got Seungkwan’s sweater off and ran his hands up and down his chest, he pinched his nipple lightly and at Seungkwan’s moan, he stopped. “You like that?”
Seungkwan only nodded and even the half-light couldn’t hide the redness in his ears. Jeonghan then got his mouth on one nipple and used his free hand to play with the other. He could tell Seungkwan was holding back his noises and he wanted to tell him to let go, but he was afraid he wouldn’t last.
Jeonghan leaned his head back on the couch and took Seungkwan in, he looked debauched. Seungkwan looked cute most of the time, but sometimes he’d get this twinkle in his eyes that made him look sinful — now was one of these moments. He looked like he wanted to eat Jeonghan alive.
Seungkwan palmed him over his pants and smirked, he was closely watching Jeonghan’s face for every reaction. He kissed Jeonghan languidly and when he finally touched him under his boxers he pulled away. Both of them were looking transfixed at the string of saliva connecting both of their mouths.
Jeonghan pulled his pants down to his thighs and Seungkwan played with the pre-cum that gathered on his slit. Seungkwan pooled saliva on his tongue and spat it out on Jeonghan’s cock, his strokes slow but firm. Seungkwan hadn’t missed the way Jeonghan instinctively parted his lips when he was about to spit.
Seungkwan was fine with only giving Jeonghan pleasure, the man wrote a song for him after all. But Jeonghan had other plans, he brought Seungkwan’s shorts down and started mirroring their movements. Seungkwan hadn’t noticed how turned on he was until Jeonghan’s slender fingers were on him.
Jeonghan then motioned him to come closer so he could wrap his hand around both of them. Seungkwan put his hands on Jeonghan’s chest and threw his head back, Jeonghan was moving his hand just right and it was driving him crazy.
Jeonghan couldn’t stop whimpering, even with his head buried on Seungkwan’s shoulder they were still loud. Maybe if he didn’t have all this pent-up desire he could’ve lasted longer or done something more impressive than rub their dicks together, but he ached for this for so long that every touch from Seungkwan felt like a burn.
“I’m c-close.”
Seungkwan grabbed Jeonghan’s face and started kissing him, it wasn’t long until they were both moaning into each other’s mouths. Seungkwan was trying to control himself from fucking into Jeonghan’s hand, he could feel Jeonghan around him all over and it was too much. He spilled into Jeonghan’s hand and before the overstimulation became too unbearable Jeonghan also came while whimpering Seungkwan’s name.
They were both panting with their sweaty foreheads resting on each other. “We need a shower.” Seungkwan was the first one to speak.
“Let me just,” Jeonghan looked around and let out a deep breath. “Recover. I’m older, you know?”
“You act as if you’re one of the elderly, “ Seungkwan scoffed but his eyes were fond. “But okay, I can wait.”
He finally got up from Jeonghan’s lap and sat next to him staring at the black screen of the TV. Everything still felt too surreal, only tomorrow morning he would be able to properly access his feelings. For now, he was content.
Jeonghan looked to the side of Seungkwan’s face and kissed his cheeks softly, just because he could. This was much better than any dream.
