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Sometimes she wonders where her problems started. Was it alcohol, drugs? Maybe it's the nicotine and cigarettes. But she knows deep down it's not a what but a who. Chloe who had wandered to her in their first year of secondary. Who had placed her bloody heart in Martha's palms with a carefree smile. Chloe whispers ‘it’s yours, please take care of it,’. And she supposed after that, they’ve never separated.
So here she is, in the last year of Secondary, lying to her parents, making up some sleepover to stay out late. Standing in front of one of the karaoke rooms. Her hair draped around her, rolling down her shoulder like waves, unlike the neat ponytail she preferred. Messy liner and tinted lip balm. She gulps and pushes open the door.
Margaretha immediately welcomes her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, ushering her into the cramped karaoke room. Chloe beams and immediately jumps up, rushing over to hug her.
“You came!”
Chloe giggles and pulls her into the seat next to her. The colourful lights reflect off her iridescent eyeshadow.
“They’re just getting ready to sing a duet.” She tilts her head towards the couple, which gets her a wave from Margaretha and her red haired boyfriend. She nods slowly, feeling out of place. It’s overwhelming, with the multitude of voices, the flashing lights, the booming sound system. Norton nudges her slightly, sliding her a glass of something.
“Chloe got this for you!” He yells, over the chatter.
She smiles gratefully. It’s a pale yellow, crushed ice and everything. She warily takes a sniff, yeah it’s definitely alcoholic.
Chloe whispers into her ear, almost causing her to spill her drink. “It’s a good first time alcohol, pina coladas are relatively sweet.”
And she pulls back and beams, picks up her drink, way clearer and probably way stronger.
“To our youth!”
She cheers clinking her glass against Martha, takes a big sip and winces slightly. “Bleh, I’m never getting good at this.”
Martha opts to take a smaller sip, it's sweet and fresh. It reminds her of summer before the aftertaste hits her. It's bitter and she voices her complaints to Chloe.
“Well obviously,” she laughs, carefree and childish. “It’s alcoholic, although you have a good poker face, I couldn’t tell!”
Chloe wraps an arm around her and holds the mic in between them,
“Let’s sing,”
She smiles and puts on a cheesy love song, Naib groans in the process while Margaretha sinks closer to her boyfriend.
Martha nods along to the music, only chiming in when the lyrics are easy to follow. She leans into Chloe’s touch, placing her hand against her waist. She looks towards Chloe, she’s glued intently to the screen and positively getting lost in the music. Her eyes turn into crescents and she’s permanently smiling through the song. Looking back on it, maybe this is the moment she fell in love.
———
She gulps and stares, stares at her best friend. Her best friend, who looks so pretty in this light. Chloe with purple eyeshadow and sparkly lipgloss, Chloe who’s pressed against her side. Chloe who’s whispering to her, ‘dance with me’. It takes all her willpower to refuse, which in return gets her a pitiful pout but a new cup of soju. She downs it as fast as possible, hoping the alcohol will get her more relaxed. Watching Chloe disappear into the crowd of people, immediately blending in. She looks the most relaxed, this is her environment while Martha is a bystander. She distracts herself by tuning into Naib and Ganji's newest argument.
It's only later in the night that Chloe fully drapes herself over her, chest to chest. Her head in her shoulder, she can feel her warm breaths against her neck. Tickling her. Before she gets up, balancing herself on Martha’s lap, Martha immediately places her hands against her waist, making sure she doesn’t fall.
“Martha you’re so pretty,” she drawls, cuping her hand around her cheek. “I really want to kiss you, can I?”
“You’re drunk,” She murmurs back, tightening her grip slightly. Even her head feels weird.
Chloe shakes her head, “I’m not, only tipsy. I’ve had more to drink before.”
There’s want painted in Chloe’s eyes, she’s pouting slightly.
Martha swallows, fuck it.
“Fine,” And she leans up.
Chloe meets her halfway, melting into the warmth of her lips.
———
“Let’s get matching tattoos,”
Chloe announces the minute she barges into her room. She pulls out the stick and poke she stole from Margaretha.
Martha eyes her warily, “Are you sure Margie won’t mind?”
“It’s okay! I’m gonna sterilise it first and I won’t use the same needle.” She grins and wipes the metal down with the alcoholic pad. She pulls Martha closer, grabbing onto her hand.
She traces her palm, brushing over the wrinkles. Then points at the side of her index.
“Here. It can stay hidden,”
Chloe starts laying out the paper towels and ink,
“Pick a design,”
Martha stays silent, contemplating. Wondering if she should say something risky.
“C.”
Chloe only raises her eyebrows but says nothing, she presses the needle into her flesh. Slowly tracing out the letter. When Martha questions her about her tattoo, Chloe mumbles out a ‘M’ in the same placement.
———
Chloe presses herself close to Martha as they all settle down on this dingy rooftop, she watches as Naib takes out his pre-rolled joints. Leans over as Margaretha silently hands him a lighter. He lights it and takes a puff, handing the rest to the others to pilfer and bicker over before offering a hit to Chloe. Her usually carefree gaze immediately hardens, her back goes rigid and she utters out a no. Too harsh to be considered normal.
Naib only shrugs and turns his attention to Martha. She gulps and slowly questions in her head, turning to Chloe for guidance but she has already disappeared into her world. And she shakes her head.
Naib teases them, “I guess you guys are really connected huh.” And takes another hit.
Chloe only tunes back in when she hears the voice of Naib, she goes back to her hedonistic personality.
“It’s okay, let’s share this.” Chloe smiles and dangles her vape in front of Martha. Hook, line and sinker.
Martha laughs and holds it against her lips, breathes in the sickly sweet nicotine, holds it and breathes out soft smoke. Watching it dance in the artificial light. She can slowly feel the effects, her body feels heavier. More relaxed.
She watches Chloe take a hit, and then another. Giggling as she blows smoke in Margaretha’s face, retaliation comes in the form of her boyfriend who blows cigarette smoke at her. Chloe immediately scrunches her nose up,
“Smells like cancer,” Chloe grimaces, taking another hit from her vape.
Martha taps the side of her device, “That’s cancerous too,”
Chloe playfully retorts, “If it tastes like lychees why would I stop?”
Chloe pats her shoulder, and gestures towards her vape and then her lips. Martha sighs and nods, understanding what she wants. When has Martha been able to say no to her?
She gulps as Chloe leans close to her, too close that she can count the glittery pigment over her eyelids and how it's smudged down to her cheekbones. Chloe presses her lips against her, and she parts them. Letting her blow smoke into her lungs. she inhales letting the nicotine flood her senses.
“Boo! Guys, no public pda. Even Margie and her boyfriend don’t do that,”
Chloe giggles next to her as Martha’s face flushes with embarrassment.
“Hm, maybe I should.” Margaretha contemplates before pressing a kiss against his cheek.
Earning her a round of laughter. And Martha feels warm, fuzzy, as she looks around at their smiling faces. She feels safe, she feels like she belongs here. Chloe brings her to more parties, she swaps out her fruity cocktails for stronger alcohol. She lets Chloe put sparkly eyeshadow and bright lip gloss on her. And when they stumble back to shady hotels she lets Chloe drape herself over her. Slowly dozing off to the weight pressed onto her. She started keeping a vape on her just for Chloe, and a pack of cigarettes that she smokes when she needs to calm down. She knows that Chloe hates the smell of smoke, hates the way it clings to her skin, her clothes. But she still stays with Martha in those dingy alleyways and she holds the lighter up when Martha needs a light. It feels like home.
———
Maybe it’s one of those days when she notices Chloe with a stranger, a little too close. A little too flirty. And she burns with jealousy, because she doesn’t have a right to do anything. They aren’t exclusive, not dating, nothing. And she watches as Chloe leans closer, her lips grazing the stranger's face. Before pulling back, a cheshire grin as they both disappear into the sea of dancing bodies. Martha takes a big sip of her drink, slamming her glass down onto the table, an audible thud. Naib turns to her, concern evident, but she brushes him off. The alcohol burns on it’s way down but she can’t care right now. She notices Chloe’s vape left on the table and quickly swipes it up. She promptly dumps it into the trash when she’s out of view of their friends. She knows she’s being petty, but what else can she do?
Maybe that’s why she decides to hook up with the pretty bartender.
The next day when they’re both in school Chloe walks up to her and yanks her hair tie off. Her perfect ponytail immediately dissipated, sending waves of brown down her back.
“I know,” She says, annoyance in her voice.
Martha shrugs nonchalantly, “It’s bad for you.”
Chloe only scoffs and leans in close, whispering into her ear, sending unease down her spine.
“You don’t get to be a hypocrite with the cigarettes in your bag.”
Martha stills, her voice comes out cautiously. “Are you going to report me?”
Chloe stills and smiles, “No, I’m not mad at you.”
And she spins around and leaves, walking away with a bounce in her steps. Martha feels like throwing up, a mess of emotions. She groans and buries her head in her hands. This is a shitshow, a literally shitshow. That night she figures out that Chloe has blocked her, erasing her presence from any of her posts. It’s the first time she pushes open a window, lighting her cigarette and letting the ash fall onto the streets below her. She doesn’t even feel sad, just empty. Like her heart had been ripped out of her chest. The others say nothing but they make sure to keep their hangouts separate. Whenever Chloe and Martha bump into each other they pretend to not know each other. Funny, from strangers to friends to something more and back to strangers again.
It’s tragic that she doesn’t catch Chloe’s longing gazes at her.
———
“Martha, your grades are dropping. Are you sure you don’t need any help-?”
”It’s fine. I’m fine. Stop worrying.”
———
It all accumulates on a sunday night, after so many weeks of silence, Naib texts her. pleading with her to pick up Chloe and make sure she’s safe. Where she has to drag a less than sober Chloe home. To her home in fact, since she knows that Chloe’s parents wouldn’t take kindly to their daughter stumbling in drunk at 2 in the morning, especially with a school day tomorrow. And she has to deal with the bitter feelings that invaded her heart.
Chloe wraps an arm around her, leaning against her for support. And she burns, it feels like molten fire against her skin. The touch feels suffocating and instead of rejoicing she wants to run away. She sighs, they’re from different worlds. She knows this, Chloe wants fast paced, adrenaline rushes. She wants to get wasted every night. Martha wants quiet, soft nights in bed. She wants cozy blankets and calm music. Maybe it’s a weird possessiveness that consumes her.
She feels the soft pads of Chloe’s fingers first, brushing against her chin. Tilting her head down. And she knows, knows what she wants. She feels the bile in her throat, and she knows that if she kisses Chloe one more time, it’s going to ruin her. She yanks herself out of Chloe’s grasps opting to walk a few steps faster than Chloe.
“Oh come on,” She can hear the sulkiness in Chloe’s voice. Maybe that’s her tipping point, rage consumes her and she feels it, spreading across her body like a disease. She can hear her heartbeats in her ear. Loud like the rushing waves. She can feel Chloe trying to grasp at her hand. And she pulls it away, hissing and spinning around. Chloe’s widened eyes match her anger filled ones.
“We can't keep doing this. We can’t keep dancing around each other, this isn’t a game of cat and mouse, okay!” She shouts, her voice wavering as she feels the wetness build in her eyes.
“This isn’t some game, feelings get hurt.” She whispers softly, “I got hurt.”
“I can’t read your mind, I can’t keep up with you.” She gives her a smile, small and tired.
“Please just tell me, so I can leave this behind.”
Chloe stares, “I…didn’t mean to let it escalate,”
“I know.” Martha starts, frustration building in her voice.
“I know, so that's why I’m asking you now,”
And Chloe breaks, long lines of tears pour down her cheeks. She looks small, weak, and powerless. Gone is the unreachable party girl, all that's left is pain.
“You're my best friend, I can’t lose you,” Chloe cries out, stumbling towards her. “Please, please Martha, don’t leave me alone,” Her nails dig into Martha's back, a death grip around her. She tilts her head up, staring at Martha. Pleading with her eyes.
“I know Chloe,” She places her hand against her back, softly rubbing circles. “That's why I need to know,” She sighs, defeated.
“You have me wrapped around your finger, I would follow you to the ends of this world.” She sees the hope in Chloe’s eyes, and regrets killing it.
“But it’s not healthy. It’s fun, but it’s not good for me.”
She watches as Chloe steadies herself, taking deep breaths. Getting back to her feet.
“I like you so much.” Chloe smiles, pure and gummy. The tears still pooling around her eyes, rolling down her rosy cheeks. “But I don’t know if it’s that kind of like.”
“I just want to stay by your side forever, I want to grow old with you. I realised how empty my life is without you. I miss you a lot,” She continues, “I want to be those best friends in the history books, inseparable. Is that so bad?”
She holds Martha’s hand in her own, tracing her knuckles. running her finger against fading ink. Holding it against the dimmed streetlight, admiring the matching initials.
“I just want to be yours forever.”