Chapter Text
Hyunjin wakes up almost vibrating with inspiration, a full hour before his alarm. It takes no time at all for his body to bounce out of bed, not sluggishly like he usually does in the mornings.
He nearly skips to his canvas and starts painting without even brushing his teeth first, letting the brush do what it wills without laying down a sketch beforehand, without even an image in his head of what to work toward. When the paint ceases to be enough, he goes to crack open his laptop and hunches over the digital soundboard in a daze, humming and laying down the start of several scratch tracks before his alarm finally rings, pulling him out of his reverie as he stares down at his own paint-stained fingers in surprise.
With great reluctance, he closes his laptop and goes to start his morning routine, dancing on the spot as he brushes his teeth and does his skincare after a brisk shower.
There’s nothing outwardly different about his reflection, but inside he feels almost remade. Reconceptualized, perhaps. A man born into the world anew.
“You’re pretty bouncy this morning,” says Changbin when he steps out of the bathroom, waiting for his turn.
“I dreamed I had a cottage by the sea, where I was raising a flock of sheep in Switzerland,” sighs Hyunjin, idly drying his hair with his towel. His own shampoo smells especially nice this morning. “I got to paint the sunrise every day and I lived off the land.”
“Sounds like a lot of work. And I don't think Switzerland is by the sea.”
He swats Changbin on the ass and says, “That’s why it’s only a dream, silly! I know I’m not cut out for the pastoral fantasy life.”
“Whatever you say, beautiful.”
Hyunjin laughs as he glides back to his room, where he hums as he changes his clothes and finishes drying his hair. His second alarm blares just in time, and he dutifully turns off the remaining ones put in place for the days when he goes too hard on the snooze button.
When he goes downstairs, Chan is already waiting in the living room, shooting him an easy smile when they lock eyes.
There is no trace of his usual morning slowness. Like him, Chan has gotten an extra boost to start the day. He’s fluffy-haired and bare-faced, but alert. Full of energy.
“The car’s going to be picking us up soon,” says Chan, gesturing to his phone. “We’ll pick up some quick breakfast on the way to HQ.”
“Great, I want a muffin,” Hyunjin says, taking a spot on the adjacent couch.
In the distance, there are sounds of life from their dorm mates: Changbin, exiting the bathroom, and Jisung, finally rising last and rushing through his own morning routine. But it all seems farther away than normal, with the way Hyunjin and Chan watch one another.
“How did you sleep, Channie-hyung?” Hyunjin asks. Pointedly. Maybe a bit smugly.
“Really good, thank you for asking,” answers Chan, breezily. “And you?”
“Oh, very well. Today’s going to be a good day.”
Chan smiles, cheeks dimpling deeply. Amusement sparkles in his eyes.
“Even though we’re starting off with a meeting? You hate those.”
“I’m in a good mood,” he hums. “Had a very nice night last night.”
“I can see that. I did, too.”
Have they really never flirted with each other before? Hyunjin really can’t recall, his chest blooming with pleasant heat. It’s quite fun, and he really thinks they should be doing this more often.
Finally, they are eventually joined by Changbin and then a half-awake Jisung, who mutters something about needing extra shots in his Americano this morning if he’s going to survive. Changbin lectures him on not relying too much on caffeine to start the day while Chan calls up their manager to confirm that they’re about to head out. Hyunijn, as usual, blocks it all out in favor of hanging out in his own head, staring down at his nails and idly thinking about how he’d like to change them later today. Then he thinks about his upcoming solo schedules and the calls he has to make about wardrobe with his stylists.
He preoccupies himself with work and craft, trying hard to avoid the one thing that’s taken up the biggest space in his mind since last night. Let that come later, he thinks. It’s such a beautiful morning, after all.
*
Dance practice goes by faster than usual. Hyunjin is locked in, working in near-perfect synchrony with Minho as they smooth out the remaining kinks in the choreo. By the time the session is over, he feels like he’s barely even started, staring aimlessly around at the bright studio space as the others catch their breaths.
Fanning the sweat dry beneath his t-shirt, he saunters to where Jeongin is taking his rest on the bench and uncapping a water bottle with a distracted look in his eyes.
“So, Jeongin-ah, how was your date?” Hyunjin waggles his brows but stops when Jeongin’s face falls.
“There wasn’t any chemistry…” he answers. “She was nice, too. And pretty. I don’t know…”
He heaves a frustrated sigh, burying his face into his hands.
“Ah…” Awkwardly, Hyunjin pats him on the shoulder. “Sorry. Maybe the next one?”
“Why is it so difficult?” Jeongin asks. “Finding a connection… All the girls I’ve gone on dates with have been good people…”
Hyunjin nearly cracks a joke about trying men next, but then his mind turns to his own night with Chan and he thinks better of it. Being straight might be more peaceful, even when it doesn’t work out.
“It’s only a matter of time,” Hyunjin says instead. “You’re too loveable. I mean, I’d date you in a heartbeat.”
“Thanks, hyung.”
“Really, you wouldn’t even have to ask. Like, if you gave me even the tiniest hint that you’d be interested, I’d show up to your dorm with flowers and take you to a nice BBQ place after. And I’d even pay.”
“I know, hyung.”
“I’d probably even let you top me—”
“Okay!” Jeongin claps his hands and rises. “I’m feeling a bit hungry. Good talk.”
“Bye-bye, my son! Go forth and find love!”
Jeongin shakes his head, though Hyunjin catches the smile spreading across his lips before he turns around.
Rested, he rises from the bench and picks up his bag from the floor, shooting Chan, Changbin, and Jisung a wave as he leaves. 3Racha have booked time at the recording studio today while the others are off on their own schedules, and Hyunjin’s got an appointment to make it to.
*
“Good to see you again, Hyunjin-ssi,” says the hairdresser, her eyes roving over him in excitement. “Though, I suppose it hasn’t been that long since last time, huh? You’ve changed the blond.”
Hyunjin laughs politely and takes a seat on the chair, peering at his and her reflection in the bright mirror.
“Sorry noona, you were off that week so I had to get one of the company stylists to do it.”
“No hard feelings,” she says, standing behind him and running her fingers through his hair. “Is there a look you’re supposed to change to now, or is this just for pleasure?”
“Pleasure, of course!”
He takes out his phone and shows her some reference images, and she coos in interest. “Ah, this wine color? Interesting choice.”
“I feel like going dark again, but not quite black just yet.”
“Understandable. All right then, let’s go wash your hair.”
Hyunjin relaxes as she sticks his head under the spout, eyes slipping closed at the feel of the warm water and the smell of the herbal shampoo. He doesn’t allow himself to think of anything at all, simply enjoying the gentle pleasure of getting his hair done and looking forward to the end result. He pretends he’s a heroine in a romance drama, cutting her hair after a bad breakup and remaking herself before going to get drinks and BBQ with her friends, where she, in a stunning twist of romantic fate, will run into the love of her life.
*
That night after dinner, Hyunjin and Chan get the living room to themselves as Jisung spends the night with some friends and Changbin goes to hang out with his sister. On the other side of the couch they’re sitting on, Chan’s eyes are glued to the TV, raptly watching a new episode of Vinland Saga.
Hyunijn tries to pay attention, but there’s no room in his head tonight for anime. After a whole day of running around being busy, he’s now in the comfort of his own home, utterly out of excuses to keep his mind quiet.
Hoping he doesn’t look as awkward as he feels, he lightly winds his arm over Chan’s shoulders on the couch. Not too forward, but hopefully not too noticeable, either. It’s not a common thing for him to do—Chan’s not someone Hyunjin usually goes for when it comes to skinship, now that he thinks about it. Mostly because he’s always holding himself a little separate from the rest of them unless he’s the one initiating.
Hyunjin shifts a little closer, until the ball of Chan’s shoulder is tucking neatly into his armpit. He plays with the edge of his t-shirt sleeve with his fingers, freshly painted with rose designs he drew on himself.
Not that Chan seems to notice anything, anyway, too enraptured by the screen.
What’s the plan here? Hyunjin wants to ask himself, or maybe even God. He feels like he’s flying by the seat of his pants, but he’s never been in his position before, feeling that bone-deep interest in another person that he’s only ever heard about in stories, in music, in other people’s words.
Now that he’s finally in this position himself, he finally understands the terror with which it’s sometimes spoken of. It feels like he’s walking a tightrope and trying desperately not to fall off.
Does he just go for it? Ask Chan if a relationship might be something he’d be interested in? Or should he start off with a confession, laying out in passionate detail the revelation he’d undergone last night after coming inside his ass?
God, he really needs to get it together—
“You’ve been quiet,” Chan says, leaning back against his arm and shooting him a look of concern. “Are you all right…?”
“Hm? Oh.” This close, Hyunjin can smell that Chan’s using his own shampoo today. Shame. “I’m just super absorbed in the show, that’s all.”
“Really? What happened in the last episode, then?”
“...Uh.”
Chan laughs, and then he takes the remote and puts the TV on mute. Then he reaches up and plays with the freshly shorn ends of Hyunjin’s hair, now shorter and darker than it was this morning.
“Did I tell you that I like your new look?”
“No, and I’ve been waiting, hyung,” says Hyunijin, leaning a little into the touch and feeling the shivers skip down his spine.
“So sorry,” says Chan, contrite. His thumb rubs a soothing little circle on Hyunjin’s cheek. “It looks really nice.”
“You should always compliment a new haircut right away,” Hyunjin murmurs, winking. “Did none of your girls ever tell you that?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever been with one long enough for hairstyles to change.”
“Ah, I see.”
Hyunjin refuses to be some jealous hysteric, because that would be undignified. But still, something awful inside of him feels pleasure at the admission.
Chan’s hand drops back down to his lap as he turns back to the TV, though he doesn’t move out of their impromptu cuddle. It still leaves Hyunjin where he started, however, wondering what his next move should be.
“So, about last night,” says Chan, making Hyunjin’s heart nearly stop.
“Uh…”
A hand pats his thigh, warm even through his sweatpants, and Chan says, “You were right.”
“I was?”
His brain is struggling to gain back its momentum after coming to a screeching halt at the change in topic. It feels a bit like missing a step in the choreo while live on stage—only, he doesn’t actually know what to do next.
“You were good,” Chan answers, his voice a little shy. “Really good. I… that’s not weird to say, right?”
Hyunjin breathes out, “No, not at all. Thank you for your patronage.”
He makes a note to slap himself later for the cringe joke, even if it does make Chan snicker.
“I was thinking, actually…” Chan starts, and Hyunjin holds his breath.
His fingertips are tingling. His mind barrels through thousands of thoughts at the speed of light, images and sensations of what might come: he imagines the sound of wedding bells and a gaggle of children running around on the shore of the beach he likes in Sydney. He thinks of how much he doesn’t know about regulations around international gay marriage, and then also remembers that his parents are getting too old to travel comfortably so they’d have to have the wedding here in Korea, which would be a nightmare for privacy and also their reputations.
He pinches under his own thigh with his free hand, bringing himself back down to earth.
“What is it, hyung?” he asks, noticing that Chan has paused, biting his lip. He looks a little nervous, which makes Hyunjin nervous.
“Do you want to keep going?” Chan asks. He doesn’t quite look Hyunjin in the eye. “Sleeping with each other, I mean. At least until you get bored of me, haha.”
Somehow, Hyunjin hadn’t considered that he would even ask that. Of course he had assumed that they would keep going. Last night was good, wasn’t it? Hadn’t he just said so?
“I…”
He feels knocked off course, suddenly. It didn’t occur to him that they may not be on the same wavelength.
“Obviously I’d like to continue,” says Chan, starting to babble to fill up the silence. “Because I had a lot of fun, and it was eye-opening. I always had questions but never got around to answering them, and… you’ve been great, yeah? I can’t imagine anyone better to, y’know, explore this stuff with.”
“I’ve been great,” Hyunjin repeats, stiffly. “Wow, hyung, thanks.”
Chan winces. “Sorry, that sounded kinda like something out of a business meeting, huh?”
“No, it’s fine. I understand.” Hyunjin sighs, running his fingers through his hair as his head empties itself out of all thought. “And yes, I’d love to keep going. Of course.”
Chan smiles in relief, the stiff line of his shoulders relaxing under Hyunjin’s arm. “That’s good. I’m glad…”
Hyunjin raises a brow and asks, “Did you think I was going to call it off?”
He shrugs.
“Maybe.”
He doesn’t say more, and Hyunjin pokes at this temple with an accusatory finger, mumbling, “I can’t believe you think I’d hit and run, Chris. I should probably be pissed!”
“Sorry, sorry,” Chan laughs, taking his hand and dropping a kiss onto his knuckles. “I didn’t want to presume anything. That’s all.”
Hyunjin rolls his eyes, ignoring the way his hand tingles at the touch of his warm, soft lips.
“Well, please do presume that I like having sex. You probably can’t go wrong with that.”
“Ah, but you’re having sex with me, which is the part I have to check in about.”
“Presume that I also like bossing around big strong men too, then. There, now you’ve got the Hyunjin cheat code.”
“Mm, it was hot when you were bossy,” Chan says, all sheepish and shy again. “And, uh, I didn’t think I was into that…”
The praise melts away Hyunjin’s nerves, and he leans in close, sliding the hand on Chan’s shoulder down the collar of his shirt to stroke the skin of his chest. It’s warm beneath his fingers, and the tiny little bud of his nipple is stiff to the touch.
“Oh? So what else have you been thinking about?”
This, he can talk about with ease, at least.
“I was thinking you could be rougher, next time? Maybe… slap me around a bit. Call me names or something,” Chan murmurs, then hastily adds, “Only if you’re down, obviously. Haha. You know, I asked a girl once if she’d slap me during sex. Gave her the ick really bad.”
“Well, she sounds boring.”
“It wasn’t her speed. I get it.”
“I didn’t think you’d be into that kind of thing,” Hyunjin says, studying his face. “Did you like watching that guy getting stepped on in Seohyun’s movie?”
Chan’s ears go red.
“...If that’s something you wanna do,” he answers slowly, each word heavy with embarrassment. “I wouldn’t say no.”
“Oh Channie-hyung,” Hyunjin nearly purrs. “Aren’t you just delicious?”
He laughs, hiding his face in his hand. “Ah, come on.”
Hyunjin pulls his hand out of his shirt and settles back into the cushions more comfortably, storing the new information away for later. Lots to think about, easier and more approachable than his own thoughts, admittedly.
“You know,” he starts, a different thought coming to mind as he considers Chan’s eagerness. “You’re sure taking all this in stride. You’re really telling me no guys ever hit on you before? You never did anything at all…?”
That would be absurd, if true. Hyunjin knows for a fact that some of the trainees back in the day had crushes on him—though, he supposes most of them were pretty intimidated by him at the time. But that wouldn’t have put off any of their seniors from shooting their shot, would it?
“Oh sure,” Chan says easily. “I just never went for it. Had to focus on training and debuting, y’know? I always told myself I’d have fun after. But then the work never stopped and there was never any time. And it wasn’t like I was down to take such a big risk with just about anyone, anyway…”
He sighs. There’s a shine of reminiscence overtaking his eyes, and Hyunjin stays dutifully quiet as he continues to muse aloud.
“I don’t know where all the time went,” he murmurs, chin resting on his knees. “I’m already on the other side of 25 and still… lost. You and Minho have always been out, and now Felix and Changbin have found each other. Even Jeongin is putting himself out there, being a person. Trying to figure himself out. I don’t know how I got left behind…”
Hyunjin looks up at the ceiling, letting the words wash over him, the soft tones of dismay and regret. Then, he asks, “Does this mean you think I’m worth the risk?”
Chan grins at him, mood lifting. He nods.
Taking in the sight of him, Hyunjin thinks that Chan looks energized, glowing bright with curiosity—and Hyunjin gets it. He understands the feeling of being excited by having new things to think about, new discoveries to make about oneself. He’s feeling the exact same thing right now, and had been so determined to take it all to the next level just moments ago.
So he bites the inside of his cheek and says nothing, hesitant to bring the whole thing crashing down. It’s been a while since Chan has looked so at ease, so happy. He doesn’t want to ruin it.
“Well then,” Hyunjin says, gesturing dramatically down the length of his own body. “I’m happy to be of service. Please enjoy!”
“Oh yes, I will. Definitely.” Chan nods, faux-seriously. Then his expression goes a little awkward as he asks, “Just let me know if you’re gonna hook up with anyone else, yeah? I’m hanging onto the condoms, so…”
Hyunjin nearly scowls with offense, but reins it in. Rather heroically, he thinks—because why the hell would Chan assume that of him? Does Hyunjin really give off the vibes of a rampaging manslut? One person on the roster is enough, thank you! That’s all he’s ever wanted!
“I won’t be fucking anyone else,” he says, a little snippy. “So don’t worry. It’s just you and me from now on.”
“Oh yeah? I wouldn’t be upset if you did, I’m just sayin’. Don’t let me hold you back.”
“I won’t be fucking anyone but you,” Hyunjin repeats, more sternly this time.
“What,” Chan laughs, “did you catch feelings or something?”
It seems that Hyunjin takes too long to answer, because he can feel Chan’s shoulders going tense and watches, with agonizing slowness, as his eyes start widening, on the brink of understanding.
And Hyunjin scrambles to pull him back from it—literally, as Chan starts to unconsciously shift away from him.
“No! No, that’s not it,” he babbles. “It was just, y’know, it was just different with you. I’ve, uh, never hooked up with a friend before… It’s better this way. I like it better.”
Slowly, Chan relaxes, smiling sheepishly and nodding. “Oh yeah, that makes sense. Had me worried for a second there.”
“Haha! Sorry, hyung.”
Hyunjin awkwardly peels his arm away from Chan’s shoulders and jams his hands under his thighs to keep them from fidgeting. It’s suddenly too awkward to touch him now. He doesn’t want to give himself away.
And he refuses to think about how much of a coward he feels like by doing it, willing his awful brain to shut up.
Chan’s phone vibrates and he picks it up with a happy little sigh.
“I should probably call it a night,” he says. “Gotta do my Genshin dailies before bed.”
“That’s basically your second job at this point…”
“It’s fun! You should try it.”
“I’m already on my phone enough,” he sniffs. “So I’ll pass.”
“Sure, sure. It’s probably for the best, actually… this thing’s addictive…”
With a groan, Chan rises from the couch and stretches, his joints popping loudly. He gives Hyunjin a goodnight pat on the shoulder and disappears around the corner, his phone already glowing and held up to his face as he becomes entranced by his little game.
The room is quiet now, and the warm spot on the couch where he’d been is already going cool.
Hyunjin drags his hands down his face and groans.
“God, what am I doing…?”
He flops over, yelping when he misses the cushion and slams his head against the hard arm of the couch.
“Incredible, Hyunjin,” he hisses angrily, rubbing at his aching skull. “Great job, you dumb bitch!”