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Sad looks were exchanged, a gun pointed in the air, a fight, and no real goodbye. That was the last she ever saw of Javier Escuella, for all she knew he could be dead… She not only lost her family and her home that day, but she lost her lover, then shortly after as if adding salt to an opened wound her brother.
She lived no life, served barely any purpose, she had a place to call home and people she could call family but she still mourned… She had hopes that one day Javier would reach out, find her, or she’d hear about him in the local newspaper, but alas it never did happen… Was he gone?
Almost three years and nothing, she’d been losing hope… But even if he were to reach out or were to come back would she trust him, or would she bring up his past betrayals, the side he chose, the people he fought for instead of the people who cared? Did he regret any of it? She wouldn’t know, but it would be nice to know if he was still out there…
There was no denying she still loved him, he was always there for her, he held her, let her cry, he’d play music for her, wrote songs, taught her how to speak Spanish, and genuinely loved her. He’d hold her through the night, whispering sweet things for her, he’d risk himself for her, he’d take her out for rides, robbing. She was loved in a way she’d never felt and was sure she’d never feel again.
So now here she was slumped over a table in the Blackwater Saloon, a bottle of whiskey in her hand, no desire to do anything besides feel sorry for herself… Honestly, it was pathetic, she was way more capable of doing things that she just wasn’t doing, but she had no motivation either. She’d help around the farm during the day and go out at night.
—
I wake up, my arms splayed along the table, and some man is calling my name, “are you…?” he calls my name again…
“Yeah… Who are you…?” I look at the balding middle-aged man, with confusion evident on my face.
“I’ve looked everywhere from Saint-Denis to here for you…”
“Why would you look that much for me, I don’t even know you…?”
“It was a good payout and a favor for an old friend..”
“So, sir, why do you need me?” Fear arises in me, I haven’t been gang-affiliated in a few years, and there shouldn’t be anyone in need of me.
“There’s a letter for you…”
…A letter? For me? It's better than an assassination, better than having a bounty over my head.
“Who from?” I ask reaching my hand out to grab the letter from the man.
“Not sure… But you’ll most likely find out.”
“Well thank you, sir…”
He nods and walks off, why is this letter so important, why did he need to find me throughout the country? Who was paying him so much to do so…?
I look at the brown paper envelope, my name scrawled across in a familiar messy handwriting… Too familiar… I stare at it, blank stare… I lost all hope, and as soon as I started to accept it, he came back into my life, crashing it over again… With now shaky hands I open the envelope, staring at my name, still spelled right, he hadn’t forgotten that. Not sure why it means so much to me though…
I pull out the letter and unfold it
—
Hola, Hermosa. It’s been quite a while I am not so sure you’ll get this. But if you did, I want to send apologies, for all I’ve done. There has not been a day I haven’t thought of you, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret betraying your trust I will understand if you choose not ever to write back or see me. But I hope you get this, I really hope you didn’t die and I want you to know that I miss you, there has been no one else but you in my eyes and on my mind. I do still love you. Lo siento mi amor.
– Javier Escuella
—
I flip the letter over and look at the back there’s a map and directions, starting from Valentine, and ranging down to somewhere in Mexico… He went back to his home country after it all… Now it’s up to me, do I see him, or do I just leave it be… Would seeing him hurt me more, would he come with me or would he want me to go with him… Would he betray me again? Is any of this a good idea? I do miss him…
Is this a personal bias, is it a bad idea… I should go talk to Abigail and John…
—
I step into the house, Jack is in his room playing Abigail is in the kitchen and John is most likely working outside.
“Hey Abigail,” I call out to her, “Need help with chores, dishes, anything?”
She turns around and smiles at me, “Yeah sure, you want to help with the laundry, a lot of Jack's clothes are dirty from playing, it would be nice for them to be clean again.”
“Alright, also I need to talk to you and John later tonight, I might be going away for a while.”
—
Chores are done and It’s late, Abigail, John, and I are sitting on the porch.
“Javier he…” I pulled out the letter, “He wrote to me, he’s down in Mexico, he wants to see me…”
John was the first to speak up dismissing the idea entirely “What if it’s a trap for all we know Javier could be dead, or still working alongside Dutch.”
“It was Javeir’s handwriting and, I don’t know but it is a risk I’m willing to take.”
“Do you want to see him after what he did, after he betrayed us after he betrayed you?” Abigail chimed in, and I thought about it.
“I can't go on like this, I miss him, and he apologized… Somewhat in the letter and I… I miss him, he’s the only person who loved me like that…”
“Go, just be safe and please come back.” Abigail grabs my hands,
“Go?”
“Go see him, you’ve been down for years cause he’s gone and well other reasons but go see him… You miss him and you said it yourself you love him still, and he reached out, take some guns with you and some food so you’re safe and can survive and go…”
I stand up, say goodbyes, and promise to be back, grab my guns and some stuff and now I’m on the road.
—
Mexico… Up in the mountains, a cabin on a hill… Terrified? Nervous? I don’t know how I feel, but I’m scared… I’m not sure if this is his place… But this is what the directions say… But that letter could’ve been told, and maybe he’s moved…I hop off my horse and knock on the door. It swings open moments after revealing Javier, he sees my face and lowers his gun.
He looks no different, his hair is a little longer but really… That’s it he still looks as good as the day I met him… I haven’t changed much either. I stare at him for a few moments, him at me no words spoken between us just a stare.
“You… Came..” He breathes out, and looks shocked above anything, but also sad; Remorseful?
“Yeah… I did.” Would it be wrong to run into his arms, he said he still loves me but it’s been so long that I may be pushing something.
“Come in…” He mutters moving out of the way, things are awkward, there is a tension in the air and I’m nervous, I’m sure so is he.
I sit down on his couch still not talking, I wish it wasn’t this hard to say something, but my mouth is glued shut something is weighing me down and I can’t speak…
So he does first, “How have you been?” He looks into my eyes, the same way he looked at me all those years ago, a soft look, tender, loving, and for a second I forgot what he did…
“I’ve been okay… I missed you..” I mumble out the last part but he hears me, and his eyes light up slightly.
“I missed you too,” He pauses, “Do you hate me?” That second question was out of nowhere and caught me off guard…
“I don’t know Javier.” It’s true, I don't know how I feel about him, I love him, but I hate him for what he did, he had two chances that day, and ruined both of them… “Tell me why didn’t you choose me, over the man who had lost it all put everyone you knew and loved into danger, why'd you choose him over the ones who cared, why didn’t you stay back to help me fight, you ran off too… You left me, Arthur, and John to die.”
“You didn’t die though cariño.” He tries to calm me down, but I’m already on a frantic rant.
“That’s not the point! I could’ve died, we were left to fight the Pinkertons, however many of them alone, we almost did die… And Javier…” I tear up a little, “You left when I needed you most… You promised to stick by me no matter what, and then you left…”
—
“Dutch!” John yells stumbling into camp, me following behind him, injured leg limping slightly. I ran into John on my way back to camp, he had yet to tell me what happened to him, he just kept quiet… Bill mumbles John's name, and John continues yelling at Dutch, "You left me… you left me to die!”
“My boy… I didn’t have a choice. John, I didn’t…” Dutch tires to cut in but John isn’t having any of it.
“You… Left me!” John speaks with venom in his voice teeth bared.
“I didn’t have a choice.”
Arthur now chips in and I realize what I had just walked into… “All of you… you pick your side now, because this is over. All them years, Dutch… for this snake?”
Micah dismisses Arthur almost immediately, “Oh, be quiet, cowpoke. Be quiet. You live in the clouds.”
Now Grimshaw starts to speak, “No. You be quiet, Mr. Bell… and put down your gun.”
Someone comes running into the camp and I raise my gun, it’s Javier… I leave my gun raised a little, not at him but just in general, and try to call him over but get interrupted.
“There’s Pinkertons coming, fast.” He speaks quickly and out of breath, Miss Grimshaw looks over to where Javier ran from, and Micah takes this chance to shoot her in the chest. I raise my gun and point it at Micah. Dutch now pulls out two revolvers… I try to run over to Grimshaw but Arthur grabs my arm and pulls me back shaking his head lightly, I turn my gaze back over to Dutch and Micah.
“Now! Who amongst you… is with me… and who is betraying me?” Dutch calls out I stay put, standing my ground by Arthur and John, I look at Javier, keeping my gun trained on Micah. I mouth the words, please. He steps back towards Dutch keeping eye contact with me, and I see the pain on his face and I’m sure he sees the pain on mine.
The way tears are welling up in my eyes, while I try to keep my composure, I should’ve guessed when it came to it he would’ve chosen them over us… I’ve seen the way Micah had been sweet-talking him, trying to convince him either John, Arthur, or I were the rats. No matter how many times I’d try to convince him he’d still be skeptical… And maybe that's why he had been so distant for the past few weeks… Avoiding me around camp, going to town more often, he’d still hold me at night and tell me he loved me but it still was off...
"Javier.. you have a choice!! He believes Micah, Micah betrayed us! He is the rat I was there!! Why would I be lying to you? I know you believe in loyalty and Dutch helped you he did, but I was there too I helped too and Dutch, Dutch fucking has his head on loose! and they've misled us all! Not just the people who are taking a stand with Arthur, John and I, but you too!"
"Bill, Javier, Think for yourselves!" Arthur yells at him…
"Yes, Javier think! Fucking think!" I cry out one final plea He raises his gun in the air... Not choosing any side... He's loyal to the gang... And I understand that but... He's also loyal to us, we're his family... But alas he's siding with Dutch over me, over Arthur, over John.
“Put your guns down!” Agent Ross… The fucking Pinkertons.
“Goddamn it! Move!” Dutch yells and the whole gang, regardless of the side they have taken gets into cover and gets ready for a fight.
“You ready,” Arthur asks us,
“Yeah.” John mutters,
“Sure…” I sigh pulling my riffle off my back,
“Everyone get down!” Dutch calls out,
“This is Agent Ross with the Pinkerton Detective Agency. Put your guns down.” Fuck that.
“Dutch, we gotta go. Come on! They’re all yours, Morgan.” Micah calls out before the group of them runs into the forest behind them, Javier looks back at me one last time, and I stare at him, with sad eyes, one final silent plead for him to stay with me, to fight alongside us, he looks like he wants to say something but before he gets the chance he gets shot at and he turns around quick and runs away, leaving John, Arthur and me alone to fight.
Ross yells a few words I pay no attention to, and John taps me on the shoulder,
“Come on! Into the cave quick!” He calls out to me
—
“And all of us just ran away…” I look at Javier, “Arthur died shortly after that… Almost as soon as we got out of the cave…”
“I’m sorry…” He mutters not quite sure what to say
“I needed you, Javier… More than anything, and you were gone…” I don’t know when I started crying, but there are tears on my cheeks, I wipe them away.
Javier moves closer to me and pulls me into a hug, “I know I’m late, but I’m here now… I’m here now…”
He holds me tight, “Why didn’t you stay with me Javier, why didn’t you fight with us… “
“Dutch, he found me when I was alone, scared, I was new to this country, I knew no English, and he gave me new clothes, he fed me, gave me a home… A new family, I didn’t understand what you were saying until it was too late.” He sighs, “I tried to find you but I couldn’t and I went back to Mexico, the only other place I thought I could feel at home… But Mi amor, I learned that it’s with you I feel as if I am at home… I wish I saw it sooner…”
“You let them corrupt you, plague your mind, you wouldn’t listen to me, no matter how much I tried to tell you otherwise…”
It was weird to be in his arms once again… It still felt right, and the thing I’ve been missing most has come back to me… I continue speaking, “You know it’s going to take a while for me to trust you again… How can I know for sure that things like this won’t happen again…”
“I promise they won’t, I was naive, I regret it all very much…” He strokes my hair as he holds me, “How has your life been in America?”
I smile weakly, “Good, I’ve been living with Abigail, John, and Jack… They’ve kept me sane over the years, John is like my brother, and Abigail is a great friend… Jack is practically my nephew… I did promise them I’ll come back…
“Can I go with you?” Javier asks and I pull back from his hold,
“You would leave your life here for me..?”
“I don’t have a life here, I do nothing, I’d much rather spend my time with you, it’s been lonely…”
“Sure, sure, let’s do it…” He smiles and gives me a small kiss on the head... Closure...
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