Chapter Text
The Rot
Tav slept but did not dream - or if she did, she didn't remember any of it. She was glad - it was better that way. Better than risking nightmares that would only make everything worse. She was up earlier than most - save Halsin, who was already absent.
She saw that Cald, Mal, and Myr's spots were empty, and trying not to wake anyone else, looked first outside. They weren't there. Then she moved through the fireplace, looking about until she finally found them at Cald's little workbench. From a slight distance she watched them - noting at the last minute Scratch napping nearby.
It seemed as though he was making one of his little creations (a tiny version of what looked almost like a Steel Watcher). A dead bug of some kind was in front of it.
"Wow!" Mal called out, "It really zapped 'im dead!"
"How'd it do that, though?" Myr asked. "The zappy wotsit part."
"I'm a sorcerer, I can make the sparks on my own without learning like a wizard and then I can make them go away again when I'm done so it doesn't burn the house down."
Tav couldn't help but smile at the way the two goblin children oohed and aahed then, as the little metal man walked about on the table.
Enver, he's so much like you...
"I 'eard the wizard say you could fly," Mal said, "Izzat true?"
"Yeah but I try not to do it when I'm not a raven too much, my mother's afraid I'll fall." But after a little more prodding from the two goblins he laughed (putting out the metal man's power first) and then floated upward, until he was laying flat against the ceiling.
He turned his head just slightly--
"Mama!" He yelped in surprise and suddenly began to fall. Tav was just close enough to be in time to catch him and he fell like a sack of rocks into her arms. "I was just playing!"
Scratch woke suddenly, and barked once or twice before coming forward. She explained, and then looked to Cald.
"You could've gotten hurt, you silly boy." Tav laughed weakly, trying to mask the panic in her chest. "Broken something, even."
"I'm okay," he said, when she set him down on his feet. He wrinkled his nose a bit when she kissed his cheek. "Eww, mama, not in front of other people."
"I know, sweetling, but you worried me. Have you eaten yet?"
"No, the bear an' the fella with the horns iz fishin'," Mal spoke before Cald could, "We got the outside set up for takin' the fish apart so Cawd brought us down here to show us 'iz metal man."
"It's interesting, isn't it? You can build all sorts of things with metal, it's just you've got to know how."
"I think I can show them," Cald said. "If that's okay."
"Of course it's okay. Anything that's not going to lead to their getting in trouble. We don't want to upset Lae'zel, now." Tav gave a slight smile. "I am trying to be sure she doesn't mistreat you, but if you do something bad and I'm not there to stop her, she could get very angry."
"Yeah, we know," Mal replied. "The frog lady doesn't like us so's she gets mad real easy."
"Well, carry on then," Tav said, "And Cald, don't forget to brush your teeth before you eat, alright?"
The goblin children then turned to Cald, questioning him about this brushing teeth 'nonsense' and he launched into another explanation. She was worried it would annoy him, but - on the contrary, he seemed to like having someone else to explain things to. A natural little leader, her boy. It made sense.
Having spoken on brushing teeth she thought she'd get to it too, and then head up to see if Wyll was done yet. She gathered water from the little waterfall into a bowl, and sat down in a side room with a mirror, applied a little mixture of cinnamon-and-clove paste to her teeth--
She felt a sudden pain in one of her fingers and after quickly brushing and rinsing out lifted her upper lip to look. She'd never broken any of them, and surely she'd have noticed a split of any kind.
Had Tav been holding the mirror she would have dropped it.
Her canine teeth were pointed.
Instantly she was on her feet, running back up the path to the initial room with the fireplace. The others were beginning to stir and in the interest of keeping this hidden she headed for Astarion, who was up with his dagger, looking out the front door.
"Astarion," Tav said quickly, "I--I need to talk to you."
"Hmm? What is it?"
"When you bit me the other night," she said, "I--you didn't happen to accidentally give me some of your blood, did you?"
"Why would I do that?" Astarion huffed. "Having bad dreams, are we?"
She stepped closer still and lifted her upper lip. "If you didn't give me your blood then explain this."
It stunned him, and he leaned forward just slightly to look at them better. "You don't recall, perhaps, making any agreements with vampire lords? When did this show up?"
"I only noticed it this morning. It wasn't there yesterday...that I know of. And I'm sure you'd have let me know if Cazador had walked into camp." Tav lowered her hands then, and took a deep, shaky breath. "I've only made agreements with one man, and he wasn't a vampire lord."
"Oh, the one that fixed Karlach? The one that had you so frightened?"
Tav paled. "How did you--?"
"Darling, you practically broadcasted it, and he IS a devil, after all." There was a pause, and a shift in his gaze. Sympathy? She didn't know.
She took a deep breath. "He must've done this, but I don't know wh..."
A pause.
"Take some of my blood."
"Pardon? Right now? Well I'm not saying no, it's just..."
"I...had an idea, and I want to see if it's reflected in my blood, is all." She moved into the corner, Astarion followed. "Don't take much, just tell me if you notice anything different than the last time. Try and be quick, before everyone else wakes up."
At least, Tav thought, as Astarion pressed her against the wall and lowered his mouth to her neck, I don't have to go to Raphael for this.
A slight wince appeared when his fangs pierced her neck, and though he took a little more than she'd said he pulled back not long after the numb feeling started.
"Well?" she asked, reaching up to heal the bite mark.
"Well. Well," Astarion wiped a stray drop of blood from his lips, "I'd say you were right."
Tav gulped. "Why?"
No no nononononoNO!
"Your blood has a definite infernal tang to it now, that it didn't have the other day...or maybe it did, but it's stronger. I was a little too hungry to notice subtleties like that before."
"But now?" she took a deep breath, grateful the others hadn't seen anything.
"You taste...well, you taste almost like a tiefling."
Tav took a deep breath, nearly stumbled, raised a hand to her forehead.
"This devil," he said, on seeing her face then sink deeply into her shaking hands, "Is he--"
"--my Cazador," Tav stumbled on the words. "I'm going outside to see how the fishing is going."
Busy, that was it, she must keep busy, to prevent herself being alone with thoughts of him too long. Whatever he was doing to her, whatever he HAD done to her - this wasn't the time to focus on it.
At the same time...
No, she thought, I won't look at them. I won't even THINK about them.
But someone will notice eventually, mouse, she imagined Raphael's voice, And then what will you do?
Tav shut her eyes for a few moments, took a deep breath, opened them, and went outside before the others, who were already stirring around, could ask her any more questions.
Infernal blood. Everything else on her shoulders and now she had to worry about the blood that ran beneath her skin, too? Surely if Raphael had done to her what Mizora had done to Wyll, he would have it done all at once, the better to display to everyone his ownership of her? Why this piddling thing, shifting her blood and giving her fangs? What did he gain by this?
Perhaps, she thought, he just wanted to unsteady her further.
Halsin and Wyll were hauling a quite large catfish out of the water, and Orin was gutting a second on the surface of a rock nearby, tossing bits to the hyena, who stuck close to her and yipped whenever he was tossed anything.
Halsin caught her eye and his expression seemed to shift to something--pitying? He then said something to Wyll, who took the fish over to Orin.
Tav looked away as the bear of a man approached.
"You could have woken me," she said quietly, "I hate to laze about when there's work to be done."
"You look like you needed the sleep," he replied in a soft tone. "Your eyes are a bit...bloodshot."
There was a pause.
"Have I done something wrong?"
"What?" Tav asked, "No. No, of course not. I've just...there's been so much to think about. So many people to...look after."
"I would be willing to share the burden, you know. A burden shared is easier to bear."
"There are some..." Tav took a deep breath when one of Halsin's big hands came to rest on her shoulder. "...some burdens I'm...afraid of..."
A wave of fear rose, and once again she felt the slight tingle of a calming spell from the druid.
"What is it that has you so afraid? The devil Raphael? I know what it is to be enslaved to--"
"It's not Raphael...well, he's part of it, but..." Tav swallowed and looked up at him. "I spoke to him after...after the drow in the Goblin Camp said something to me. It was something I had to know the truth of, and for all his machinations he is...honest...when it comes to the deals he makes."
He would find out soon anyway. Eventually. Better to get this done now.
Better to ensure he is not close enough you lose him, she thought in Raphael's voice. Or rather, better to lose him now than later. Honesty sets you free, mouse.
"You can't keep relying on him, Tav, not--"
"Zes'diira," Tav said, gulping and looking up at Halsin again. "My name. It is Zes'diira. The drow looked right at me and called me by that name, said it like she was greeting an old friend. And...I had to know the truth."
Halsin's hand came down. He took a step back. "I think you've taken on too much, your mind is overwhelmed. You're--Zes'diira was cruel to the bone, a fiend of a woman. You are anything but."
"Then how do I remember nothing before the swamp druids that took me in? Why, when I was supposed to be a Seldarine drow, did the light burn my eyes so much? Why was the group I was told to be with conveniently all dead? And why...why did that woman say no one could tell me better who I was than my own sister?"
There was a momentary hardness in Halsin's expression. It was quickly wiped away by his usual one, but even that brief anger was enough to confirm her fears.
"It's...it's why I feel as I do about Orin," she said, looking toward the bald woman who was petting the overjoyed hyena, "If I was shown mercy, even for things I don't remember doing, how can I do anything less for her?"
What the other Orin (for this one and that were like night and day) had taken would never be hers again anyway. The Enver that now lived was not the same as the one who had made his home in her heart and whose ghost still dwelled there. She would have the chance to see him once again, and would have to be content with that. To hope for anything more was folly - the circumstances that lead to their love of before would not be repeated.
And the only one who could give Enver back to her, whose burden she could bear for what would be given in return, was the very one whose involvement would ensure she would be spurned the moment he learned of what had happened.
(She knew her fears compounded on themselves when she thought like this, which was why she tried so hard of late not to think on them.)
I just want to go home...
"You know Raphael could have lied to you."
"If he did, it was a very good lie. It all...made sense." She took a deep breath, and tried to make herself sound more agreeable. Then she made herself look at him again. "But what if he didn't?"
"You aren't Zes'diira. And even if you were--I will not say it does not matter now. But it is behind you, and you are instead of plotting to rise to the role of Matron Baenre, exhausting yourself caring for others. What of yourself?"
Tav took a deep breath.
"Do you not feel worthy of rest?"
"No," she said after a long silence, "I don't."
She didn't look to see the expression on his face then, too afraid of what she might actually see. But she let herself be pulled into a hug, and to shed a few tears. She felt a little bit better, as if this had taken the edge off the hollow feeling that Astarion's declaration had given her.
Then Halsin let her go.
"I know," he said, "What it is like to blame yourself for all the ill that follows a decision you made with good intentions. If you need someone to lean on, you must know it can be me."
Tav forced a smile for him, and said nothing through breakfast, but did speak up when the owlbear cub returned and was persuaded to follow them along.
"We go first to the mountain pass," she said when Lae'zel spoke up, "Then the Underdark, if this cure of your people's works. What you do then is up to you."
Tav had the distinct feeling that the creche would not be the solution the githyanki before her thought it would be, but it was a way she had not tried before, and so she thought there would be no harm in trying it.
As they made for the mountain pass she looked over several of the others.
Halsin seemed to be speaking to Mal while the owlbear followed behind him, Orin was saying something about being 'different' to the hyena, and there were conversations among the rest of the party she couldn't quite catch.
Shadowheart seemed to be arguing with Lae'zel about something.
It wasn't until her eyes caught sight of Cald chattering away to Myr with Scratch at his side that she found a genuine smile spreading across her face.
Protect him from everything, even me, if you must. Promise me that. Promise me, Tav.
The words ran through her head again. She would keep the promise she made to Enver, if she had to wear herself down until there was nothing left but bones.
Now more than ever did she understand Ketheric Thorm and his madness.