Chapter Text
"I'm nervous."
“Well you should be,” Tori said, smiling at me. She said it like a joke, but it didn’t much feel like one. I fidgeted. “I’m just kidding. We’re not going straight into things. Come inside. Have coffee. I have decaf.”
“I’ll take real coffee, if you have it.”
“You have caffeine at 7:30 at night?” Tori asked.
“Why not?” I asked. I’d planned things so I had nothing to do tomorrow, so it hardly mattered how late I stayed up.
“Because it’s going to keep you up—okay, pause. We’re not having this conversation while you’re outside. Get in here.”
She turned and strode inside. I watched her for a moment. My heart was beating much too fast. We’d talked about what was going to happen tonight and gone over the scene. We were probably going to go over it again before we started. I didn’t have a lot of experience, but I was pretty sure I’d done more talking about this sexual encounter than most people had done for all of theirs combined.
There was doing and then just talking about it, though. In the abstract, I’d managed it. In reality, I was starting to worry I was going to break down. But if I turned back now, I was never going to know what it was like to… to do that. I’d live curious.
And I wanted to find out. Just to see. Maybe there was something to it. I was clearly somewhat interested. It could turn out that I did it and I hated it and that my engagement with BDSM would be limited to reading, but at least I’d know that then. There would be no more guessing games.
“In or out. You’re letting all my heat escape!” Tori shouted.
I stepped in. When I shut the door behind me, I felt like I was locking myself into a cell.
I mechanically took off my shoes, coat, and scarf, then wandered deeper into Tori’s apartment. It was small and spartan. The only decoration on the wall was a piece of abstract art with a dazzling mix of colors all blending together. A second hand couch sitting in front of a second hand TV were the centerpieces. There was nothing, but a lamp on the end table. It made my apartment feel messy in comparison.
A coffee grinder shattered the silence. Through a little window with a counter in front of it, I saw Tori moving about in a small kitchen. I rounded the wall into a tidy kitchen. She was grinding actual coffee beans. It was more work than I put in to make mine. I stood awkwardly, not sure if I should ask for help or wait.
“I’ve got it. Sit down there,” she said, pointing at the two person table. “I’ll be done in a moment.”
I obeyed and busied myself looking around her place. Being with her here was so different from dinner or the coffee shop we’d gone to. This was her space. Her territory. I felt like a mouse that had raced into a snake’s den.
“Do you like sugar and milk in your coffee?” she called out.
“As sweet as you can make it.”
“Figures.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s just fitting. You want to drink coffee, but you want all the bitterness drowned out.”
That comment made me feel like she’d scored a point that I had no way of responding to, so I took out my phone and scrolled mindlessly through my client and social media while I waited. A few minutes later, she was setting a mug of coffee in front of me and taking the seat across from me. She smiled. It didn’t relieve the tension.
“You look like you’re going to blow a fucking gasket.”
“I’m nervous.” I took a sip of coffee. It was too hot. I burned my tongue.
“It’s fine to be nervous, but to remind you, we don’t have to do this and you can leave if you want to. No pressure.”
“That’s not how pressure works. I already came all the way here and you made me coffee and if I don’t go through with this I’m going to feel so stupid.”
“You’re going to feel more stupid if you do it and have a terrible time because you weren’t ready.”
I took another too hot drink of coffee instead of responding. She leaned back in her chair and watched me. It didn’t make me feel any less like prey.
“What are you so nervous about?”
“That I’m going to hate this and I don’t want it and we’re starting with something that’s way too strong.”
“You think? We can lower the intensity if you want to.”
I was afraid that, if we did that, then I wouldn’t feel like I got the whole experience. I had carefully negotiated something that felt like it was just on the edge of my limits. Tori had told me again and again that it probably wasn’t the best place to start, but I just— I wanted to do it. To find out and fucking know. I didn’t want to sit there and wonder if the reason I didn’t like it was because I didn’t go far enough.
“I don’t want to. Are you backing out of this?” I asked.
“I honestly should, but no. You always make me feel a bit reckless.”
“You think this is reckless?”
She shrugged, her palms up. I stared at her fingers. I didn’t think I’d ever get over how nice her hands were. They weren’t the sort that you could’ve modeled with. They were too calloused and strong, but despite that, they still felt smooth and soft when they touched me. Hands like that seemed impossible, but Tori made it seem natural.
“I’m about to dip my toe into emotional sadism with a woman who has never done it before and wants me to be ‘pretty mean.’ So yeah, a bit reckless. I still think impact would be better as a start, but I’m fine with this too.”
“The marks—” I protested.
“Would be covered by your clothes.” She tilted her head to the side. “You know, you can just say that the emotional sadism is more interesting than to you than impact or anything else. It was one of the things that you picked out in your comments.”
“You’re going to tie me up too,” I said. We’d already had the negotiation conversation. It had been humiliating and if I repeated it here, I might lose my nerve.
“Yeah. That too. One day, we can do some predicament bondage. I think you’d like that.”
One day. Implying that it was a forgone conclusion that I would like this scene and be back for more. For once, I was glad she was cocky. I needed to borrow some of her confidence.
“Maybe.”
“Do you want to talk about the scene? Go over it again?”
“No. I—I’m committed. I want to do it.” I thought I did at least. That was the best I was going to get. “I’ve thought about it enough. I don’t need to do it any more. Let’s go for it.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. You can safeword if you need to.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to remind you of that over and over until we start. For my sake if nothing else.”
“Cool.”
We drank our coffee in silence.
It wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. All the talking made what was going to happen a forgone conclusion. It was nice not to have to guess at her intentions or where the night was going to go. Time would pass, she would decide when we were ready, and then what we both agreed to would happen. I didn’t need to try and adjust or try to think of a way to get her to do what I wanted to on the fly. I could just… be.
Tori collected our mugs and washed them once we finished. When she came back she didn’t sit down. I stood up. I knew it was time without her having to say it.
“Where are we doing this?” I asked.
She pointed to her living room and the armchair there. “Right here. I don’t have a dungeon or anything.”
“Oh.”
“The city is expensive, you know. Lots of people die in it, but they don’t pay you as much to clean it up as you’d think.”
“Yeah. I get it.” I smoothed out my clothes. “So what do I…?”
“When you say ‘ready,’ we start. When you say that, you’re going to strip down to your underwear, I’m going to get a pillow and my rope, and then we’ll get into the rest of it. Is that clear?”
Her voice had turned sharp and clear. Objectively, she hadn’t raised it, but it almost felt like she had. I straightened up and nodded. I was happy I had tied my hair back.
“From here on forward, I’m only accepting verbal answers. Say ‘yes’ or ‘no.”'
“Yes. I understand.”
“Then get ready.”
She left the kitchen and went into her room. I hesitated for a moment, realized it wasn't going to take her long to get her rope, and started to strip. I folded my jeans and shirt and set them on the table. The heater hummed quietly in the background. The smell of coffee still filled the air. It was surreal to be standing here like this. I went through all the moments that had led up to it and it made sense, but it still felt like somewhere, there had been an extreme jump. I couldn’t quite figure out where.
Tori came back. She had a few coils of rope in her hands and a pink cushion tucked under her arm. She nodded in approval when she saw me, then went over to the armchair to drop the cushion on the floor and set her rope on the chair. She crooked a finger to beckon me forward. I went, my body feeling shaky and tight. She set her hands on my shoulder and turned me around so I was facing the door. I could feel her strength. I bit my lip.
“You’re not as shy as I thought you were,” she said. She pushed me down to my knees. I dropped hard, glad the cushion was there to soften it. I inhaled. My breath was already near ragged. “I thought I was going to have to tell you twice to strip.”
“I agreed to,” I replied.
She took my arms and pushed them behind me, so they were stacked on top of one another and I was grabbing my wrists. She pressed her knee onto them to keep them there before she started to wrap the rope around them.
“You easily agree to things. I didn’t exactly have to do a lot of convincing.”
“That—I don’t agree,” I said. Was I supposed to say that? I wasn’t sure. This wasn’t starting how I thought it might. She had a decent amount of range within the bounds of what we negotiated, but her going this route wasn’t even something I had considered.
She started to wrap the rope around my chest. It felt different on my bare skin than it had over my clothes. The rope was rougher. It was definitely going to leave a mark.
“I tell you to come to a rope jam with me and you do. I tell you to get dinner with me and you do. I tell you to come scene with me and you do.” She listed. She made another wrap around my arms, then did something in the back to lock it off before continuing. “Even before that, I told you to voice chat with me and you did. I messaged you and you responded. You seem to like to follow.”
I had no idea how to respond. It was—that wasn’t—that framing was wrong. I was certain of it, but it was hard to pick out what when the feeling of the rope wrapping around me was taking up so much space in my head.
“I wanted to do that all,” I said.
Tori locked off the rope again, then continued, making a vertical connection with the rope on my upper and lower arms, before doing the same on the other side. I thought it was unnecessary. I already couldn’t move.
“And why’s that? To make me happy? What was your motivation?” she said. She started to do something with the rest of the rope. I wasn’t sure what.
“Just…because,” I said. The way the rope was cutting into me made it a bit harder to breathe than usual.
“‘Because’ is the best answer you have? That’s a bit pathetic. I know you can be more articulate than that, can’t you?” I winced. I didn’t think I was pathetic. She reached around me and started to tie my ankles to my thighs. I could feel her looming behind me as she worked. The angle couldn’t have been good. It had us so close. How could she even work like this? It didn't seem like she should be able to see what she was doing, but it didn’t seem like a problem for her. “Well?”
I swallowed. “I’m not pathetic.”
“You are if you can’t even tell me why you’re not.” She swapped to the other leg. Her lips touched my ear. “So are you going to?”
“I—“
“Before you waste your breath, think of an actual answer.”
The interruption derailed the train of thought I had going. I wasn’t without any arguments, but I felt too embarrassed to try and use them. There were too many holes. Tori could tear them apart and humiliate me further. I needed a real answer first.
Tori finished the other leg. I heard her sit. “Turn around.”
I wiggled. I was trussed up tight. “How?”
“First, you can’t answer a pretty simple question, now, you’ve forgotten how to move? You know how to turn. Stop wasting my fucking time and do it.”
Hearing her curse sent a shot of adrenaline through me. I was fucking this up already. Fuck. I needed to—I could just—I shifted my weight to one knee, then slowly started to turn. It made me feel like a penguin creeping across ice. I was constantly afraid I was going to topple over. By the time I faced Tori, I was panting and tired from the effort. It felt like I’d just finished a difficult set at the gym, even though I’d barely done anything other than turn and try to remain on the pillow.
I sneaked a look up at her, then instantly swapped back to the floor when I caught her eyes. There was something unimpressed there. Hard. Mean. I should’ve turned faster. I needed to be better at this, because the way she was looking at me now made me positive I was fucking it up. She hadn’t looked like this at all at the rope jam.
"What are you thinking about?" Tori asked.
I jumped and risked a look up again. She looked like she was a second away from destroying me if I said the wrong thing. I felt like I was sinking deep into the ocean with pressure building all up around me.
"Stop thinking so hard and start talking. You're supposed to be good at that, aren't you? Or is it really only behind a keyboard?"
The words cut deeper than I expected. I took a shuddering breath. I needed to talk. I could — she was wrong about me. I could show it.
"I—"
"You're taking fucking forever and wasting my time," Tori said. "10 seconds to start talking. Let's go. 10…9…"
"You! This! Fuck just — what we negotiated!" I said. I wasn't supposed to be stuttering, but I couldn’t manage to stop. "The— everything that's happening. The rope and you and the way you're looking at me and—"
"How am I looking at you?" Tori asked. She leaned forward in her chair. Her eyes grew sharper still. "Tell me."
"Like you want to hurt me," I breathed out. My higher thinking was shutting down. It was like I was being hunted. Even though I was bound in place, I could feel Tori reaching for something, chasing some feeling in me until she pinned it down.
"I do. That's why we're here, aren't we?" She sat back. "You came here for me to hurt you. Bit fucked up for someone like you. You swear up and down that you're not like this, that you weren't like me, but that was all bullshit, wasn’t it? Look at you now. Like I said before, pathetic.”
Thoughts were turning into static as fast as I could have them. I was happy that I was looking at the floor. It was the only thing that was grounding me.
Tori grabbed my face and forced it up. Her eyes found mine again. I saw the sadism in them. It shut more things down.
“Look at me in the eyes and tell me you’re not pathetic,” she ordered.
The hazel of her eyes was molten. I was being burned just by looking at them. My lips moved. No words came out.
“The reason you can’t do it is because it’s true. So say it. Say you’re pathetic.”
I didn’t know if she believed what she was saying anymore. It didn’t feel like a pretense. She had plenty of reasons to think I was pathetic and I was giving her more with every passing second. How could I disagree, when it was obvious?
“I’m pathetic,” I whispered.
She shook my head a little. “Don’t fucking mumble. Say it.”
I grabbed my arms so tight it hurt. “I’m pathetic!” I shouted.
“Finally.” She dropped my chin like it was trash she was throwing away. I lowered my gaze. I’d never felt this small. Not even when all the other mods were dogpiling me. Was I supposed to be enjoying this? Was I enjoying it? If I wasn’t, I could safeword. Should I do that? Did I want this to keep happening?
"What are you thinking?" Tori asked.
"You're terrifying,” I said.
"That's what you're thinking? That you're scared? Nothing else is going up there?" she asked.
"I don’t know.”
“Spread your legs," she said.
I did without any hesitation. I couldn’t handle the thought of her scolding me again. It made me feel debauched. I was so glad that I was still wearing my underwear. I was certain I’d have panicked.
“So you can follow instructions. Good girl.”
The praise was a fucking drug. I drank it in, desperate for more. I had disappointed her so much so far, but if I listened well, I could make her happy.
Tori stuck her boot between my legs. I jumped. The cotton of my panties pressed against my cunt. I realized I was soaked. Arousal I hadn’t even realized was there flared up, white hot and consuming. Tori tilted my chin up to look at her. Her smile was all teeth.
"Since you've managed to do something right, I'll give you a reward, because clearly we need to start with little successes for you before I can expect more. Hump my boot and keep your eyes on me while you do. It's all you're getting. Maybe next time, if you impress me, I’ll let you grind against my leg.
The shame burned through every part of me, knocking the air out of me, making me feel like I'd fallen ten feet and smashed against the ground. Tori didn't move her boot. I was frozen. I couldn't—
"I said hump."
I rocked my hips. The angle was terrible and my panties were in the way, but Tori wanted it and who was I to complain? Right now, she had more control over my body than I did. That thought connected with something inside me and drove the arousal on higher. I wished I could've grabbed her ankle so I could've fucked her boot easier. I thought she’d like that more.
"There we are. This is a good look for you. I like it.”
Every word made the heat inside me coil tighter. I wanted so badly to hang my head. Looking at her made the humiliation so much worse. I was debased, an animal, something for her to amuse herself with.
"Have you ever fantasized about something like this?" Tori asked.
I shook my head. Tori looked like she was about to lay into me. Words. Needed words. "No— no I, no Tori," I said.
“I’ve seen your bookmarks and you’ve read almost everything I’ve written? Is that the truth? Are you lying to me?”
"No I — it's — Tori!" I cried out. It was impossible to keep my hips moving, look at her, and answer her questions at the same time. I thought she had pushed me as far as I could go when she made me spread my legs, but we were hurtling past that and I no longer knew where we were going to end up.
"You can’t even have a conversation with me. It’s just like tying you up. As soon as you get what you want, you shut down.”
I nodded. It felt like the right thing to do. Whatever she said to me right now, I’d believe. She stared into my soul, then smiled. I hoped it meant she’d found what she was looking for.
“You can close your eyes. I’ve seen what I need to.”
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you," I chanted. I let my eyes flutter shut and allowed myself to focus on the boot pressing against my cunt. I adjusted my angle and let my head come forward so it rested on her knees. The new position strained my core, but it let me grind better. I started to chase those sparks of pleasure down, to wherever they went, realizing with every second that passed, that I had never been so turned on.
"I always knew you were like this. From the first comment you left, I knew what you were. You're the exact sort of person I wrote for. The exact sort of person who needs someone to be mean so they feel alive. You're fucked up."
A terrible, humiliating noise, something between a scream, a moan, and a sob, wracked my body. Still, my hips moved. I was chasing an orgasm that I wasn’t sure I could achieve, but I ached for it. I craved it. I thought it might make Tori happy, to see me brought that low.
"You still haven't come yet, have you?" Tori asked.
"No, I don’t—I don’t know if I can.”
“Why not? Are you telling me my boot isn't good enough?"
I sobbed. "I'm sorry," I said. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"You have five minutes. Make it happen or we're done."
I worked my hips faster and searched desperately for a better angle. Tori confirmed she wanted this too. She expected it. I wanted her to be pleased with me. I wanted to prove I was worth the time.
A stream of half muttered curses and moans poured out of me. It was humiliating, to know Tori was listening, but my orgasm was building. I could get there. I was wrong to think it was impossible. I just needed—
Tori grabbed my hair and pulled hard, forcing my head back. She pulled her boot away, leaving me soaked and aching, the world spinning out around me as Tori held me still.
"That’s five minutes. Open your eyes," she ordered.
I tried. It didn't work. I was too scared. Too low. It was too much. If I opened them, then I would be destroyed.
"Harper. Open them."
"Tori please," I begged.
"Open. Your. Eyes."
I did. Her gaze drilled into me. The blurriness caused by my tears didn't make it any easier to bear.
"You failed me," she said.
I couldn't speak. The moment went on forever. I felt like I was less than nothing. A mote of dust. I could only give and pray Tori wanted it, because pleasing her, making her happy, that’s what mattered most of all.
"But you're so pretty when you're on your knees and crying. Maybe I can forgive you for that." She slid her boot forward again, pressing it between my legs. "So long as you did your best. Did you do your best?
I nodded viciously. "Yes, God yes."
She smiled. It was almost sweet. I was getting whiplash. How could she flay me alive, then smile at me like I was worth the world?
"Then give me another five minutes. Show me that you tried, and maybe I'll give you a treat. You can close your eyes again." She released my hair.
I let my head hang and started to hump. I was covered in sweat, I felt like I had run a marathon, but the threat of failure rekindled my determination. I was going to do this. I could. Fingers combed through my hair, scratching my scalp, petting me like a dog.
I was shaking. The orgasm was right there, but I couldn’t reach it. I wasn’t going to be able to. I was going to fail. I pressed my head into her thighs and wept.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I can’t. Please, I—I just—“
“Shhh,” Tori said. She cupped my face. “Shh. If that was your best, then how can I expect more? I’m pleased you gave it to me. I’m pleased you tried. I’m happy.”
The sudden pivot was a mindfuck like nothing else had been so far. I went limp, like a puppet with its strings cut. I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t know how to parse or understand her pleasure with me. I didn’t want to believe it, it seemed wrong, but she was saying it and I wanted to believe anything she said.
"Oh,” I said. It was the most intelligent thing I could muster. The truest representation of how I felt.
“I’m going to untie you now. You were good for me. I’m happy. Good girl.”
Tori moved behind me, her body pressing close. The ropes began to loosen. She began to whisper more honeyed praise in my ears. I hadn't realized it until it started to loosen, but the rope had been holding me together. It'd been my anchor. With it gone, I'd never been more adrift. I was so glad that Tori was touching me.
Tori took her time untying me, running her fingers over my skin and rubbing where the rope touched, even kissing my cheeks now and again. When all of it was off of me, she had us turn around and me lean against her, my back to her chest. She hugged me. I let my head roll onto her shoulder.
"Drink some water," Tori said. A straw touched my lips. I sucked. The water was cold. I drank more, not realizing how thirsty I'd been. She pulled the water away. I sighed. Her arm released me for a moment, before both of them were back around me. I smelled oranges. A second later, a piece touched my lips. "Eat," she encouraged.
I accepted it. The flavor was sharp. It helped clear my head. She fed me the entire thing. I kissed the juice from her fingers. When I finished, she just held me close, letting us sit in a comfortable silence.
Slowly, my mind was coming back to me. This was our aftercare. This was all the things I'd told her I wanted. I tried to string more thoughts together. There were things she said she needed to, weren't there?
"Tori?" I asked.
"Yes?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yes. I feel good. How do you feel?"
"Good? My head is all fucked up," I said. I giggled. I wasn't sure where that had come from. I didn’t know how I felt or where the Tori from before had gone. How could she contain so much cruelty and kindness all at once?
"That's okay. I want you to be like that."
That was nice to hear. I wanted to hear more things like it.
"Was I good?" I asked.
"You were very good."
"Oh. That’s nice. You were really good too. I sighed. “You’re really fucking scary, too. Did you know that?”
Tori laughed. It was such a nice laugh. I stretched my feet and squeezed my hands into fists. I felt like I was waking up after a particularly deep nap. I shook my head a little.
"Can I turn around?" I asked.
"Sure," Tori said.
She let me go. I rotated. She crossed her legs. I shook my head, trying to clear more of the cobwebs, then decided that it was a pointless battle. I had thought I wanted to talk, but really, I wanted to cuddle more.
"Can we go to your bed? Just to cuddle? I want to get dressed too."
"Yeah. We can do that. Go ahead."
Tori helped me stand. I felt how wet I was. I eyed my sweat pants and t-shirt on the floor. I didn't want to keep wearing my panties. I'd ruined them. There was another small lick of desire knowing that, but I felt out of it enough that it faded quickly. I didn't want to touch myself right now. I didn't want to do anything other than cuddle Tori.
And maybe clean up. Just a little.
"Bathroom first. For me," I said. It was hard to string together words the way I wanted to. I couldn't wait to lay down and be silent again.
"Yeah. Let’s go.”
She led me to it. I slipped inside and got changed, marveling at how wet I’d actually gotten. The woman looking back at the mirror was haggard, too. I combed my fingers through my hair to try and clean it up. It was pointless.
I left and went into Tori’s room. She was sitting on her bed. I looked around and admired how very her it was. She had a fancy computred setup and an intense black and white theme. There was a painting of a mountain range and laying in the middle of the bed, sound asleep, was a massive cat.
“Oh. You have a cat.”
“Oh yeah.” Tori twisted around and scratched the cat. It woke up and started to purr. “She loves attention. If you come over here, she’s probably going to sit on our laps. Come lay down and cuddle.”
As soon as I got onto the bed, the cat got up. I cuddled up to Tori’s chest. The cat hopped onto her lap, did a few circles, then settled down. I started to pet it. It purred. I marveled at how soft its fur was.
It struck me then, that Tori had been right about me the whole time and had done exactly what she promised she would with even greater skill than I'd imagined. I still felt raw from it, almost like I’d spent a day on the beach without sunscreen. I nuzzled her neck, breathed in her clean scent, and tried to stop myself from spiraling. It was hard. My brain wanted to run off into the strangest places, all of which made me sick with anxiety. It didn't make sense. None of the thoughts were that bad, it was just—
"I think I'm freaking out," I said. She couldn’t help me if she didn’t know what was happening.
“It’s okay to feel however you need to feel.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“Then you can just speak it aloud as it comes. If it helps. Or we can be quiet.”
“I feel like I’m fucked up,” I said.
“Maybe. I am too.”
“It’s not good to be fucked up.”
“Do you feel like you’re going to leave here worse off than you came?”
I scratched the cat’s neck. “I don’t know. I don’t think so? I’ve never done this.”
“I probably should’ve started lighter,” Tori said.
“I didn’t want to start lighter.”
“I didn’t either, but that didn’t mean this was a good idea,” Tori said. “But, for what it’s worth, you’re crashing a bit after the scene. I sometimes do, too. It can take me a bit to figure out if I enjoyed it.”
“That’s weird,” I said. I nuzzled her again. I felt very close to her. Maybe closer to her than anyone else I ever had before. I wondered if she needed to take me apart to make me feel like this, or if it just made it better when she did. “Fuck. God. I don’t know.”
“You have all the time you need to figure out if you know. It’s okay.” She kissed the top of my head. “I have you.”
It was impossibly nice to hear that. Maybe nicer still was that she wasn’t telling me that I had to feel a certain way, that it was okay to be confused and lay there and think. I didn’t need to answer now. I could do it later.
For now I could breathe and lay on top of her. I could just be in my body.
And maybe, once it all settled, I’d come right back.