Work Text:
hey arnold's grandpa was in his south bronx apartment above/next to antojitos food supply and lucky offices. he was pacing back and froth waiting for the mailman. he wasn't afraid of the mailman because he doesn't have anxiety like that, so he actually wanted the mailman to drop off his mail. he wanted to aqcuire his hogwarts acceptance letter! he had applied through FAFSA and they told him he can go to school there and dorm there free of charge. hey arnold's grandpa took a big breathe in of his weed doobie and exhaled immediately. the mailman knocked on his apartment door! FINAALLY!
hey arnold's grandpa opened up the door and was greeted my the mailman. he was wearing a pointy hat (the mailman) like a wizard. he handed hey arnold's grandpa an envelope and said "here you go, mr grandpa" and got on his nimbus 2000 and rode down the hall and down the stairs to continue delivering mail for the day.
hey arnold's grandpa Slammed the door shut because he was elated to receive this letter! he opened it and it said as follows:
"good afternoon hey arnold's grandpa
to whom it may concern
you're going to hogwarts!!!
please arrive at the nearest subway station and clap your hands 3 times on the platform as the next train is about to go past you and yell "MAYOR ADAMS HAS NO RELATION TO WEDNESDAY ADDAMS" before jumping in front of the train.
this will not harm you but this will bring you to hogwarts immediately!
if you have any questions, please reach out to our admissions department by telephone or fax but we prefer that you do not do so because we do not have an admissions department
thanks
Dumbledore"
this was the moment hey arnold's grandpa had waited for his entire life! he was going to study herbology at hogwarts and become the greatest wizard that smoked weed EVER!
he threw on his shoes with no soles that showed his naked bare gross feet and RAN out the door and ran to the nearest subway platform.
he saw a fruit cart lady walking down the platform and he yelled to her, "I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE". she didn't ask or see him so she continued selling mangoes in plastic cups like a girlboss.
hey arnold's grandpa saw the nearest train pulling up and screeching so he clapped 3 times, yelled the magic phrase about mayor adams and wednesday addams and jumped in front of the train.
he woke up. he was in the great hall at hogwarts! there was food all over the tables being served and dumbledore called hey arnold's grandpa up to the sorting hat. the sorting at said, "hmmm.... methinks you belong in..." the crowd fell silent as they awaited his announcement for which hogwarts house he'd be going into.
the hat said "HOOCHIE BEAR!!" and EVERYBODY cheered!! voldemort was defeated!! minimum wage went up again! russia gave up! all wars had a ceasefire and the author was finally able to afford a downpayment on a house without selling all her organs and limbs on the black market!
hey arnold's grandpa cheered all the way to his dorm.
he sat on his bed and said aloud to himself, "i think i'll light a celebratory joint!"
he whipped out his zippo and lit up weed and put on some tame impala records on his sonogram or whatever the fuck that tuba lookin thing is called that plays records from 100 years ago. instantaneousely the door BROKE DOWN and dobby the hall monitor said "I'M TELLING" and dumbledore kicked him out of hogwarts and transported him back to the bronx.
hey arnolds grandpa was unpacking in his bronx apartment and said "i know! i'll start my VERY OWN hogwarts right here in the south bronx!"
he ran to the library to make and print out copies of a sign he made on computer paper that said "recreating hogwarts in apartment 13A" and it had his cell phone number on it. it was quite an enticing offer, how could anyone refuse this once in a lifetime opportunity?
he left the library and it was 1am. he began stapling these signs to light poles, taping them to mailboxes, and handing them out on the dancefloors at the nearby carribean dance halls.
at 2am, he yawned and said, "i had a long day. time for to sleep" and he went to bed.
the next morning, there was a knock on the door.
"who could that be at this unholy hour" he wondered to himself.
he opened the door and there were 4 men standing at his open door. they were all gay. the 4 men were tony soprano in a bath robe, bill deblasio, skull trumpet and a high school art teacher that just quit.
"we'd like to join your school of magic" they all said. hey arnold's grandpa's eyes welled up with ears. he couldn't believe it! he had a following.
hey arnold's grandpa invited them all in and said "have a seat" and they didn't know where to sit because he had no furniture, so they just kept standing.
"thank you everybody for taking interest in my school of magic" he cleared his throat. "now that you are all here, i am going to hand out outfits and drinks. we're all going to drink them at the same time".
he handed out cups of orange juice and said "now that we're all wearing the same nike sneakers and dark clothing, we are all going to drink this potion at the same time. this will allow us to leave our corporeal vessels and enter an alien spacecraft hidden behind the hale-bopp comet".
they all drank the orange juice and drake crashed through the window in his MTA bus wearing a red beret eating lunsh and took them to canada for vacation instead.
THE END.