Chapter Text
December
Snow was turning this commute into a fucking nightmare. MK didn’t like being a passenger in the cold let alone gripping her steering wheel for dear life while she painstakingly made her way down the highway. She was doing great, all things considered. It was time to get her damn full G license but between work and, well, avoidance, it had been hard to schedule a time for the test.
She needed to, though. If she was going to actually make it farther north, she needed a full license and some confidence driving in the snow. Nerve wracking, but necessary. It’s why she had ended up with a random appointment mid-morning after bartering and begging and some humiliating buttering up of her manager to get the time to go in the middle of work. For better or for worse MK’s manager might have liked her now, even though it was impossible to tell, but at the very least she was dependent enough on MK to let her get away with it.
Which is why MK felt twice as fucking nervous waiting for a road test she absolutely needed to pass, freezing her ass off while the damn proctor took her fucking time. This was the easy one, maybe. MK had done all the complicated shit in her last test, right? This was just… don’t crash your car on the highway! Or something. Ugh. She wanted…
She wanted her father. Which was a humiliating thing to admit to herself. MK was twenty for fuck’s sake. Did she really still want her daddy to sit with her while she waited to take a test? Yes, actually. Or maybe just… just anyone. She hadn’t told anyone that she’d scheduled the test. Not her parents, not Julia. Fuck, her coworkers were the ones wishing her good luck.
It was a hollow feeling. But MK needed the space. She needed to keep things separate, keep things to herself. She didn’t need the fanfare or the exasperated sigh from her mother upon finally getting her license. She didn’t need the overexaggerated excitement from her father, acting like this was some sort of miracle.
She just needed… Well, she needed the proctor to hurry up. The real world was still spinning, MK’s break was running out, she would have to be back at work soon. Having a license was a surefire way to freedom, for MK. It would make moving and applying for rentals so much easier. She’d have to do some other stupid shit, transferring over car insurance and maybe even bank details, but she’d have it sorted. Easy.
“Miss Nguyen? Are you ready?” Fucking finally.
“Yeah, let’s get this over with.”
Winter offered some great opportunities for Julia, as far as reorganizing and restocking her closet went. She was never too busy to keep up with the latest fashion and trends and one of the major benefits of doing all this extra freelance marketing work was some of the boutiques actually had clothes she wanted. Her closet, however, could only hold so much.
And that’s what had led her to this. Julia’s wardrobe was a paradox. On the one hand, she didn’t want to keep out of style clothes and waste the precious space. On the other, it was… kind of hard to let go of things she’d bought with her own money. It’s not like she hadn’t done purges like this before but there was always this lingering pull at the back of her mind.
Growing up it wasn’t like she was attached to her belongings, especially when she had them in bulk. She’d lost a lot when she was kicked out; crap in garbage bags that got mistaken for actual garbage. Rebuilding took time, energy, money. Every item in Julia’s apartment was a testament to her success that way.
…Buuut not every article of clothing was. A lot of it she had gotten for free as part of a brand deal, taking up a huge chunk of space in her closet. Some pieces were cute, others she had kept because she had to, even more she had just plain forgotten about after they had gotten shoved to the back corner. Out of sight, out of mind. But now with all her recent purchases… yeah, the purge was long overdue.
The first to go were the branded shirts that Julia no longer associated with. Some of them stayed, obviously, if the brands in question were high quality or popular enough to act as some sort of status symbol. Shirts, blouses, a blazer or two that didn’t even fit anymore since Julia’s shoulders had started to strengthen from kickboxing. An interesting side effect, something she would’ve cared about more if she was three years younger, but it felt kind of nice now. It’s not like she wanted to look like a body builder or anything but it was nice to see the physical representation of all those hours spent sore and sweating.
She could safely purge the majority of the jeans from her closet. Julia was on to better and more fashionable legwear. Jean shorts? …Okay, they could stay. It was a timeless summer look! A dress Julia hadn’t even thought about since she was sixteen? …No, that should stay. It gave her mixed feelings looking at it, but it was one of the last birthday gifts she’d received from Greg and Judy and… yeah, it could sit in the back of the closet.
Jackets? Flannel? Coats? Definitely some room for improvement there. Again, making sure they fit comfortably was an important first step and Julia was disappointed to find some of her favorite baby blue flannel shirts were too tight around her arms now. Ugh. A distracting half-hour later and she had ordered three new pairs as she sat on the floor surrounded by the newly discarded ones.
Jackets were easier at least. Were they a good brand that fit? Keep. Didn’t fit or the brand was outdated? Trash. Same with coats. Julia was eagerly waiting for a nice new one she had recently bought that she was way too excited to wear and the excitement was a little bit blinding when it came to purging coats. …Maybe she needed more than one winter coat? Well, whatever, she’d sort that out later.
And what was left? Pajamas, shirts, shorts, loungewear. Well Julia wasn’t going to go through that today. Inside fashion was less important than outside fashion. Even if it… had been slipping outside a little bit. It was just easier to work in a t-shirt and joggers if Julia was going to be running around! She’d gotten a few freebies from the cat café so technically it doubled as advertisement anyways, right? Julia had definitely been mortified to be caught underdressed by Bowie of all people but it’s not like he lived in Toronto and would see her ever again.
With any luck Julia would never see him or the hockey boys ever again. Even if she did, maybe, forget to ever re-block Bowie on myselfiegram. Ugh. She wasn’t jealous of his life, absolutely not, who would ever be jealous of such a complicated situation? Following Raj around like that… Supporting his… dreams… Dammit.
Wayne’s stupid words kept rattling around her head. “What if she likes you too?” Fuck. Normally Julia wasn’t… she wasn’t afraid of what-if’s. She turned what-if’s into what-now’s. But this was different. This was a lot to lose if she gambled and lost. She didn’t want to just rush into something unknown like that and it was a lot of unknowns!
What if MK liked her back? What if this mutual physical attraction extended into emotions as well? What would that change? What would they lose? Julia… Julia liked having MK as her best friend. It was something she hadn’t had before. A girlfriend? Julia knew what that was like. But everything was different with MK. They clicked in this undeniable way, in a way Julia wasn’t used to. If her feelings were one-sided… would she push MK away?
And hell, what if they were mutual? Would things between them change? Julia liked MK, didn’t want to shape her into an acceptable partner. She just… wanted MK, as she came. Goofy quirks and bad habits and flirty jokes and grumpy, overstimulated quips. And that was… not something Julia was used to. Taking control in a relationship, having a partner that met her needs. But with MK it was like… she didn’t want to control MK, probably couldn’t if she was being honest. And MK wouldn’t roll over and do whatever Julia wanted but she… but she kept doing things Julia needed, even if she was messy and uncoordinated with it.
Goddammit. Julia couldn’t chase this train of thought. She was happy with MK, happy with what they had. Why risk it? Even if things could… it’s not like Julia would risk obliterating their friendship over a possibility. Not without, like, absolute certainty that things would be okay. And she didn’t have that! She didn’t need MK as a… fuck, as a girlfriend. She meant everything to Julia as a best friend.
Fucking hell. Julia needed the motivation to finish clearing out her closet back. Dammit.
“Alright, you’re good to go.” The lady at the front slid MK’s paper license across the tabletop, MK picking it up and turning it over in her hands.
“Right, thanks.” MK stepped to the side so the man behind her could walk up, slipping the temporary new license into her wallet. She should be feeling… something, right? Excitement? Relief?
Instead she just felt… well, like she’d wasted her day, for one. All this fun free time away from work would mean nothing considering she now had to go back to work and stay later to make up for lost time. But this was done, finally. Another milestone checked off. Another… change.
Ugh, it made her stomach twist, but she could blame that on the dread of work at least. She didn’t feel any different on the short drive back, didn’t feel changed when her coworkers sarcastically gave her a monotone cheer when she told them she had passed.
Her fingers were twitching as she worked, some sinking feeling in her stomach that made her want to text Julia, made her want to brag, made her want to demand some sort of victory treat from her parents. Fuck. Would they even be happy? They’d been so pushy about the license, about the job, but now they were… it was like they were trying to take it all back.
Arguments were getting worse. MK had run out the clock on her punishment from before but now she was just dragging out any fight. Made things easier. Forgot to clean out the trash in her room? She’d complain about how busy she was, tell her parents they should be reminding her. Complaint about her coming home so late and making a ruckus? Well it’s not like MK made her schedule. Passive aggressive comments about how much MK was drinking? Gee, what could possibly be driving her to drink, huh?
That one hurt her father the most, made him fold in on himself. It hurt MK too, to see him like that, but she had to hold strong. Her mother was clearly on her final straw with MK, had spent more nights frowning at her than smiling. Whatever. MK had broken that relationship years ago, this was just… this was just a reminder. Her mother had given up years ago, surely. Her father just… needed a push. As soon as he stopped seeing her as his little girl and instead saw her as the awful person she was, the happier he’d be in the long run. Cut his losses and shit. It made sense.
No more milestones spent with family, easy. MK didn’t want to spend them with anyone, anyways. Being alone suited her! She was a loner, she was cold-hearted. She didn’t have room for anyone in her life anyways! Too busy trying to get rich, trying to amuse herself, trying to… to live a good life! Seriously, what had she been doing lately? Getting herself all confused about the kind of person she was, the kind of life she wanted to live. What the hell was with all that nonsense?
It was… love, probably. Awful. MK didn’t want to be in love with Julia, didn’t want to be in love with anyone. She wasn’t a lovable person to begin with, why the fuck should she crave that? The people she… the people she did love only got hurt by her presence anyways. Wasn’t that the antithesis of love? What better show of it could MK possibly have than by shoving them all away? She just… She just wasn’t made to be normal. Wasn’t made to be a good person, a good lover or whatever.
She didn’t suit Julia anyways. Julia needed someone selfless, someone only concerned with Julia’s well being, her happiness. MK got too bogged down by her own shit to provide that and honestly it sounded exhausting. Even just being a cameraman for one night had worn MK out. And it was that exact selfishness that made them incompatible. Julia was going places, doing things. Moving up in the world, moving on from the shitty situation MK had put her in. The sky was the limit for Julia, MK would only hold her back.
MK didn’t need a relationship. She didn’t want one, not really. Julia’s attention felt good, her presence felt warm, and kissing her… But MK needed to make decisions with her brain, not her body. Her datable brain, according to Julia, but that was so… so long ago now. Irrelevant. MK couldn’t change who she was, couldn’t magically become a good, deserving person overnight. She was doomed from birth to be this way. Anyone that loved her was… they were deluded. Seeing a version of MK they had made up in their heads. Nobody saw who she really was, so how could they claim to love her?
A fresh start would be good, it was something MK wanted now. Start over somewhere new, where nobody knew her, where they didn’t have these preconceived ideas of who she was. She could keep to herself, she could keep everyone safe. A win-win, a trade off. The sooner she was accustomed to it the better.
Which made dodging holidays that much harder. For some stupid reason her family was still trying to involve her in things, regardless of how much she resisted. MK was sure that after Thanksgiving they would’ve given up, spent more time with Asher and just… started adapting. But for some stupid reason, the opposite had come true.
Being away from MK made them fight harder. It was obnoxious, it hurt. What were they even fighting for? For all of this? For all the uselessness MK brought? If anyone knew how little MK brought to a relationship it should be her family. But, the arguments built a better case. The harder they fought for her, they harder they fought with her. Easy. MK was an expert at pissing people off at this point. Slack off in front of her mother, drink in front of her father, just be a bitch to her brother.
She just had to figure out a way to piss Julia off. Which was… so much easier said than done. They were so similar, but Julia was just… she was so much better. Better than MK, let things roll off her shoulders easier, didn’t let words get to her head like MK did. Actions spoke loudest, so MK just needed to… do something. Ignoring Julia didn’t work, Julia was just too persistent. It’s why MK couldn’t just ghost her, even if every nerve in her body was telling her to. Julia would just show up at MK’s house, banging on the door.
No, she needed to… to cut things off with a bang. She had until New Year’s to come up with something. It should be easy, really. MK was good at hurting girls she loved. Maybe she could just steal from Julia, maybe she could spread some awful rumors. Maybe she could just… just say something awful, something really gutting to make Julia so fucking mad that she’d… ugh, no, MK couldn’t. Actions, actions, actions. It would come to her, surely. She had time.
She could start by not giving Julia a Christmas present. That could make things awkward. Honestly it’s not like MK could even think of anything for her to begin with. Laziness did wonders. Julia had everything she could ever want anyways. But the lack of effort would hurt Julia’s feelings. It was a great start! Even if it made MK feel sick to her stomach. Oh whatever, she was a horrible person anyways! She wasn’t about to grow some… some conscious now. She didn’t even feel guilt!
It was simple. Get through the holidays, finish packing her crap, and in the new year MK would be somewhere new, fresh. A clean slate.
There was no reason that this should be embarrassing. Julia had gone through about a hundred different excuses as to why she was choosing to donate these clothes instead of just trashing them.
For starters, the dumpster at her apartment was full! Probably. Julia hadn’t actually checked. But the trash got taken out on Mondays and it was most likely, like, overflowing.
Donating was just more convenient! It was just… it was just throwing away with extra steps! Okay, fuck, fine. Julia felt… kind of grossed out by this. She didn’t believe in donating, never really saw the value of it. What was the point of throwing old clothes at other people? Wasn’t that just the same as making them wear garbage?
Fuck, she was losing it. It was a terrifying feeling, but she didn’t… she didn’t even feel all that different. Change was ridiculous. Was Julia suddenly a good person because she donated clothes and did work for small businesses occasionally and said thank you when she got her coffee?
She still turned around and laughed at the barista’s awful hair. She still took great joy in leaving one-star reviews on chatty ubers. She still found it funny when people hated her. She still felt like herself, and that was weird. Too complicated, or maybe it was all really simple?
Howlie didn’t seem to care if Julia was good, evil, or somewhere in-between. Most people thought he was evil, even if he was sweet to Julia. He didn’t give a damn about her internal clothes-donating-crisis so long as her lap was warm and her scritches were consistent.
It was a nice change of pace. Julia had felt immediately embarrassed to walk into the cat café realizing she was in fact wearing one of the damn t-shirts, but no one had said anything. She hadn’t been by in a while, keeping busy with holiday posts and little jobs here and there. Not at all exhausting like it had been this time last year, but still busy.
The cat café was doing well, another fresh pack of kittens being cooed over by a group of people in the corner. It was a sort of bittersweet feeling oddly enough, that so many of the cats had been adopted. With the exception of Howlie, every cat in the café was a new resident, or at most had been there for a month. Julia wasn’t, like, attached to any of the other cats, but she did miss seeing some of them.
It made her feel both relieved and sad that nobody had scooped Howlie up yet. He was a grumpy loner, sure, but he was still a sweet cat when you got to know him. …Not that he had really taken a chance with anyone but Julia on that front but still!
It’s not like she would adopt him. She couldn’t! Her apartment hadn’t magically become pet friendly. But surely someone out there would! …Ugh, but then Julia would miss him. How pathetic was that? She was emotionally attached to a fucking cat of all things now.
He purred, rolling onto his back to expose his fluffy belly, making biscuits in the air with his paws. Yeah, Julia was attached to this fluffy old man of a cat. She rubbed his belly, earning a rumble of approval as his eyes closed. Seriously, did no one see how great of a cat he was? She glanced around the room but no one was focusing on them. Good, that meant Julia could keep him to herself.
God. Why was it embarrassing to care this much about an animal? An animal that didn’t even love her back? …Okay, well, that wasn’t fair. Just because Howlie couldn’t actually say “I love you” didn’t mean he didn’t. He always ran up to her, always rubbed his face against hers and purred and snuggled close. Cats were finicky creatures from what Julia had learned. If they weren’t comfortable with you they wouldn’t get close. And sure some of them were more friendly and outgoing and trusting than others but that didn’t mean the others weren’t also sweet!
Fuck, what was happening to her? Was Julia becoming a cat person too? Howlie rolled again, curling up into a ball with his head pressed against Julia’s stomach. She could feel his purr directly, making her sigh as she scratched him behind the ears. Well, that wasn’t so bad. Maybe she could like cats. Well, she did like cats, at least one cat. And he liked her back! So. It’s not like she could do anything about it.
Maybe if she made more money, could move to a different, pet-friendly apartment she’d take him home. He’d obliterate her content, but it might be… nice to have a friendly face to come home to. Shit, he’d have to get over his beef with MK though. It’s not like he’d attacked her like he’d attacked some of the workers at the café, but he didn’t seem to like her.
He was possessive of Julia, and it’s not like she could blame him. And it was a trait that suited a cat more than a person anyways. Possessive partners were nice in concept, irritating in practice. A cat though? Endearing and sweet. MK could deal with a few scratches and bites from Howlie, right? They’d see each other infrequently enough. Would Howlie feel possessive if Julia and MK… oh, jeez, what was that about not chasing useless trains of thought? Now Julia was embarrassing herself in public.
Howlie let out a deep breath, a nasally little squeak slipping out as Julia moved her hand. Pfft. This was just another fantasy anyways. Julia’s lease wasn’t up for renewal until May and in every other regard her apartment was good. Was it worth going through the entire process of moving again just for a cat? …Even if he was cute. Dammit. Julia reached for her phone, snapping a quick picture. She sent the picture to MK, rolling her eyes at the other unanswered texts. Well, MK was busy. They’d fallen into a semi-regular texting routine now, and Julia would take it. She’d take as much MK as she could get, honestly.
Oof. Embarrassing thoughts in public again. Ugh.
MK should’ve been smarter about this. Really and truly, she should’ve predicted this. Like, of course her license was going to be sent by mail. And it’s not like she ever got the mail. Seeing the incriminating envelope sitting unopened on the kitchen counter was intimidating, made worse by her father’s confused expression as he lifted it up to show her as MK made her way towards the refrigerator.
“Honey… Do you know what this is about?” he asked as MK reached for her first beer of the night, taking a large sip to try and soothe her nerves.
“Yeah,” she said as nonchalantly as possible, reaching out for it. “Can I have that?”
Her father held it up, just out of reach as he turned it over. “Mary-Kate. This isn’t a speeding ticket, is it?”
Oh, well. Good guess actually. But it’s not like MK had gotten caught speeding yet. “Does it matter? It’s mine.” She grabbed it out of his hands, feeling the hard plastic of the license as she squeezed the envelope tight.
“I mean, I’d like to know why you’re getting mail from the ministry of transportation. …Did something happen with your license?”
Astute as usual. MK took another sip of her beer, willing it to kick in quickly. “Don’t worry about it.”
“You telling me not to worry is only going to make me worry.” There was a hint of humor in his voice, but the concern in his eyes betrayed it completely.
“It’s not a big deal.” MK paused to finish the bottle, reaching for another. “Mind your own business.”
A poor choice of words if pissing off her father wasn’t MK’s intention, and predictably his eyebrows came together and a grimace formed on his lips in the way MK had been growing accustomed to over the past few months. “You need to watch your tone.”
MK rolled her eyes slowly, purposefully, unscrewing the bottle cap and taking a swig. “I’m not sixteen anymore. We’re both adults.”
“True, but I’m still your father.”
“Eh.” MK shrugged her shoulders. Her father wasn’t really the authoritative type on the worst of days, so this was all just empty sentiment. They both knew it, and from the way he faltered at her blasé reaction, the upper hand had already been lost. Still, MK didn’t need to win an argument so much as she needed to stir the pot. “Like it matters? You’re more of a landlord to me now anyways.”
Ah. The hurt was instant, enough to make MK look away, choosing instead to focus intently on the label on her beer bottle instead. Her father took a deep breath, clearing his throat. “I don’t appreciate your attitude.”
“Whatever. You can appreciate my rent then.” Another sip, followed by MK grabbing one more—no, two more beers from the fridge before turning her back on her father. “Got work tomorrow so I’m heading up.”
She made it to the doorway before her father’s normally timid voice stopped her, sounding uncomfortably serious. “Mary-Kate. We need to have a conversation about this.”
MK didn’t bother turning around. “About what?”
“You. Your attitude, your work schedule, your secret keeping.” The last part was odd, but MK chocked it up to the envelope in her hands. “Whatever has been going on with you needs to stop. I’ve tried to be patient but—”
“Ah, save it. Here’s a spoiler for you: don’t care, can’t control it, you lost access to my so-called secrets when I turned eighteen.” MK welcomed the irritation that sprouted in her chest, curling its way around her ribs like hot thorns. “You lost access to a bunch of shit. I don’t owe you anything just because you raised me. Just take the rent money and count your losses.”
She stormed off before her nerve disappeared, before her father could formulate a quick response. He had his moments, sure, but his snarky retorts never kicked in when he was mad. No matter, it was unimportant. If he stewed in his anger it would only help MK in the long run. The relief her father would feel when she was gone would probably be incredible. At least thinking about that offset the… the gross feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Alcohol could only help. MK finished the bottle in her hand as soon as she entered her room, closing and locking the door before placing the envelope alongside the other bottles on her desk, reaching for her headphones. She could zone out now, get her new license safely tucked away in her wallet, and go back to searching real estate up north. It was mostly just fantasy at this point, but MK had bookmarked a few possibilities. Fuck, maybe she could afford a downpayment on a really shitty house in the middle of nowhere. She’d hoarded enough money from work, pickpocketing and what was left from Total Drama. Not a million dollars, that was for sure, but enough to start over.
Ah, dammit. Right. She reached for her phone, not at all surprised to see a small handful of texts from Julia. MK was still obligated to respond, trying to treat it as a chore more than something she was looking forward to. With Julia she did feel guilt, unfortunately, and maybe MK was… maybe she was indulging selfishness.
Flirting felt good. She was going to lose Julia, that was inevitable, but MK could see it coming this time. She was in control. Why shouldn’t she soak up the good times while it lasted? Julia was receptive to it, more receptive than she had been which was… something MK wouldn’t linger on. Maybe they had some mutual attraction, sure. That much was obvious given how much they’d kissed at this point, but there was nothing serious attached to that. MK couldn’t bear it if there was. It would be fine to break her own heart, she was used to it. Losing Julia would hurt, would make her cry, but life would go on. MK would go on.
So why shouldn’t she get what she could out of the last person MK would ever seriously love? Enough to last a lifetime, hopefully.
Julia
do you
like my
new coat
or not?
yeah
i mean
its chill
looks good
on you
thank you
know where
it would
look better?
i swear to
god if
you say
something
stupid like
“my floor”
i’m actually
going to
kill you
damn girl
i was going
to say
“on top of
that cute
new turtleneck”
what are
YOU
thinking about?
oh
well maybe
you’re right
Oh come on. Take the bait! MK’s heart almost hurt at the dismissal before she caught herself, shaking her head. A less-flirty reaction was a good reaction.
Julia
like this?
attachment: image.png
Dammit. MK slammed her phone down, tilting her head back to stare at the ceiling. It was stupid to have this sort of reaction over something as innocent as a goddamn selfie but MK’s brain was corrupted. By love, by physical attraction, by whatever you wanted to call it. Whatever it was that made MK’s body light up like it was on fire just seeing a picture of Julia in a well-fitting shirt and a coat smiling smugly at the camera. What was she, a twelve-year-old boy? …And there was that perfectly precise level of stupid queer guilt that had never quite gone away, getting dragged up again by MK appreciating a beautiful woman. Sheesh.
Julia
see?
hot
duh
i’m wearing
it
but tell me
more about
how hot
you think
i am
fuck
like
sooo hot
makes me
wanna
Uh. Shit. Made her want to what? Why was MK bad at this? Well because she knew better, obviously. She knew better than to wax poetic about how badly she wanted Julia when she knew it was all just temporary. And seriously, who knew with Julia anyways? It might offend her more to realize that MK was being honest with her stupid flirty remarks.
Julia
makes you
wanna what?
you’re
seriously
gonna leave
me hanging?
Well, yeah. It’s not like MK was going to tell Julia that she wanted to grab Julia by that stupid coat’s lapels and yank her down until the only thing MK could think about was the feeling of Julia’s lips against her own, or the warmth of her body or that cute noise Julia made when she—holy fuck what a dangerous line of thought.
Julia
makes me
wanna print
out pictures
make a
julia shrine
haha.
well you
wouldn’t
be the
first person
to do that
yeah but
id add
glitter and
shit
pfft
you’ll have
to step
your game
up if you’re
trying to
become my
number 1
fan
pretty sure
“moongoddessminion”
has you beat
have you
een their
edits of me?
Oh, wow, jealousy? MK rolled her eyes at herself.
Julia
you
deserve
only the
best
thank you
you too
but i
doubt you
want people
making
edits of you
fuck no
That just sounded embarrassing. Flattering, maybe, but embarrassing. Whatever, MK didn’t need nor want fans anyways. And once she changed her name? Bliss.
Julia
so you
don’t want
me to send
you this edit?
if its
of me
absolutely
not
it’s a comp
of you
getting hurt
wtf?
wait
why do
you have
that saved
you piss
me off
sometimes
Okay come on. MK didn’t deserve to feel hurt by that. It was a good thing! She needed to foster that energy!
Julia
haha
yeah i
bet
…i’m kidding
obviously
i don’t like
watching you
get hurt
it’s a comp
of you
looking hot
shit
you aren’t
beating the
allegations
what
allegations?
the finding
me hot
allegations
who said
i want to
beat them?
Ah fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Julia
anyways
i got shit
to do
youre
distracting
me
so
oh suuure
i’m such a
big distraction
have fun
doing your
little things
MK
don’t work
too hard
i never do
right?
if you don’t
text me
later
um
have a
goodnight
sure
Ugh. This again. This was becoming more frequent, Julia’s sudden… sentimentality. It made MK’s chest hurt, even though it was far from the first time they had ever… why did things feel different now? Well it was probably just in MK’s head anyways. She was reading into things because she… because love distorted the brain. Julia was always sentimental to MK at least. Things were different with them. It used to feel like a blessing but now…
Fuck it, whatever. It was all just temporary, it didn’t mean anything.
Having no plans was… well, kind of unusual for Julia. Last year she had been racing to fill her calendar in the week leading up to Christmas, desperate for the distraction. This year? She was sort of… well… sitting with the uncomfortable loneliness of it. Gross thing to admit.
She’d filled five and a half pages in her journal just rambling to herself about past Christmases, about what she missed, what she hated, what she never wanted to happen again and… trying to think about what it was she did want.
It’s not like Julia was uncomfortable with being by herself. It was a relief last year, a calm day to herself to do whatever she wanted. And, okay, yeah spending a chunk of that time with MK watching stupid movies had been… really nice.
Not because of MK necessarily, though that had been a benefit, but more just… it was nice to have someone actually think about Julia, reach out. Want to spend time with her because they wanted her presence, not out of some obligation. Oof, intense feeling.
She wasn’t going to put all of that on MK again though. MK had to work, supposedly, even though Julia couldn’t think of any Tim’s being actually open on Christmas Day, especially in Rockland. Christmas Eve, sure, and MK was stuck on that shift, but the day itself? …It wasn’t something Julia was going to push. It was a weak lie, but MK was probably lying for a reason. Weird, since it’s not like Julia would judge her for anything, but whatever, she probably had her own reasons.
Instead of spending all her time wrapped up in those feelings, Julia was busying herself a different way. Decorating, for once, just because being festive was a nice distraction. She liked the way her living room looked lit up with soft twinkling lights. Bad for photos, but nice mood lighting all the same.
She’d baked, also, for the first time since she gave MK cookies last December, and it was nice. Made the apartment smell nice, was a nice treat, actually forced Julia to semi-stock her refrigerator for once. She’d made arguably too much once she got into a state of pure focus but she was also sort of banking on MK tearing into it next week on New Year’s. Julia could probably send her home with some too, maybe… maybe tell MK to give some to her parents.
Fuck that made Julia feel weird. But she was just trying to be fair! MK’s parents had given her something last year so she was trying to even the score! Er, return the favor? Fuck. She just didn’t want to owe them anything! …Okay, yeah, maybe there was some weird projection going on here.
But whatever! Baking was nice when it wasn’t in a high-pressure environment and Julia could go at her own pace. Her pace was still immaculately quick, but she didn’t feel obligated to wake up at like four in the morning to get started. Baking a pan of brownies at nine pm? It felt… weird, but it was sort of fun. Eating brownies at eleven was also a nice bonus. MK would appreciate it, Julia knew that.
Maybe she’d appreciate the decorating too. It’s not like she laughed at Julia last year about it. MK didn’t really spend much time making fun of Julia anyways outside of a well timed sarcastic quip here and there. Ugh, even that made Julia’s heart feel tight. Goofy.
New Year’s would be fun! She was looking forward to it more than she was Christmas, that was for sure. MK was still being a little cryptic with confirming what days she had gotten off but Julia would keep her schedule free all the same. Even if it was a short visit again it would be fun! Hopefully not as drunk and crazy as MK’s birthday had been, but. They wouldn’t be going to any bars and Julia was not going to buy liquor so that should help keep things under control!
They’d kept the party pretty mild last year, save for Julia’s fucking gay panic all over the place. Jeez. Was a midnight kiss too much for ask for? Uh, yeah, it probably was. Ugh. No matter how much Julia tried to rationalize her feelings, stupid yearning kept creeping in. Oh like it was such a crime to enjoy fantasizing about kissing a girl she loved. It was just fantasy. MK wasn’t a mind reader and whatever happened in Julia’s head stayed in her head. And maybe she wrote something a little incriminating in her journal one time and then scribbled over it in embarrassment.
It wasn’t… It wasn’t wrong to feel this way. There was chemistry between them, would it be so impossible to think that maybe MK thought about these kinds of things too?
…And now Julia was lightheaded. Jeez. She’d never felt so overwhelmed over the idea of somebody wanting her like this before. God knows people had told her outright in comments plenty of times. Ugh. But it was different when you wanted that attention from someone. Fuck! Embarrassing. And besides the point!
MK had never said anything like that seriously. She was flirtatious, sure, but it was always jokingly. She never committed to anything more than a joke, a few heated kisses if prompted. MK could turn it all around if she wanted to, leave Julia feeling confused. Not enough evidence to convince Julia to take any risks.
And like, Julia would happily take some flirting and some kisses as a consolation prize. Okay so that made her feel a liiittle pathetic. Was her self esteem fucked up? Shit, maybe? Ugh. Could Julia not just enjoy being kissed and flirted with? Even if MK’s motivations were… were confusing at best and meaningless at worst?
At the end of the day MK was still just MK. Julia liked that, loved her, even if MK didn’t love her back. She didn’t just like MK because of these stupid what-if’s and god knows she… fuck, she loved MK before these feelings blossomed. She wouldn’t just… She wouldn’t stop loving MK if those feelings weren’t returned. Not that Julia planned on offering them up. Maybe. No, no she wasn’t. Unless? No!
Shit. This called for another batch of cookies.
Christmas crept up on MK. Well, more like she had been dreading it to the point she’d been pointedly ignoring the calendar, but time moved forward none the less. She’d offered to work the shitty holiday shifts, earning the creepiest attempt at a fond smile she had ever seen from her manager for the efforts, and an absolute grimace from her mother at the news.
“This again? You worked Thanksgiving! Shouldn’t you get Christmas off?” Her mother had complained, eyes narrowed like she didn’t fully believe MK. Fair enough, since MK was lying.
But MK had just shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Unlike you, I work a real job which means I have to work on holidays for all the other assholes who can’t make coffee at home.”
It was a decent enough excuse as to why she didn’t have any gifts of any kind. Too much time spent working, no time for shopping. She’d sidestepped any awkward conversation about Julia this year, thankfully, going so far as to not even tell her parents she’d be in Toronto for New Year’s. They’d be mad, probably, but whatever. Everyone would be going into the New Year mad at MK.
And at least like this MK could avoid the brunt of it. The hours on Christmas Eve were normal for her store, but MK was still dragging ass. Taking extra time closing, spending a long time just sitting in the parking lot watching the snow, driving at an absolute snail’s pace home before stopping to buy more beer on the way. She’d managed to avoid dinner, avoid any sort of awkward conversations along the way. By the time she got home it was pushing her parent’s bedtime anyways, MK actually trying to sneak in this time to avoid them.
Even Asher was steering clear of MK at this point. That in and of itself wasn’t weird considering they weren’t close to begin with, but he had been… extra weird since coming back from Orillia. MK just assumed being back home had drudged up his anger at her for the whole moving situation so, win-win.
Running into him though was… “Yo, MK.”
MK froze, bag of chips halfway pushed up her hoodie where she was trying to hide it. They’d barely spoken in weeks aside from an occasional grunt of acknowledgement in the hallway, so this was… unusual. “What?”
Asher narrowed his eyes for a moment before standing up straighter, looking away awkwardly. MK could see the fresh razor burn on his jaw and neck, little bits of toilet paper stuck against his skin where it was still bleeding. Guess even Asher was getting older, bit by bit. He’d be eighteen next year and wow that was weird to think about. “Do you actually work tomorrow or are you making it up?”
Oh. Huh? What did he care? “What’s it to you?”
“I dunno, it’s just, like, Christmas, so.” He cracked his knuckles before shoving his hands in his pajama pants. “Tim’s isn’t usually open on Christmas Day, so like, you’re lying, aren’t you.”
“Again, you care… why?” MK’s stomach was swirling with discomfort now, but this was Asher. He was probably just using this as a blackmail opportunity.
He went quiet, MK sighing as she extracted the chips from under her hoodie, holding them openly as she turned around. She took two steps before Asher cleared his throat. “Mom and Dad are, uh, kind of bummed about it.”
“…So?”
“So, you could not lie and just be normal for once?”
MK had to laugh. What the fuck sort of conversation was this? She looked over her shoulder, meeting her brother’s irritated gaze. “Have you met me? Kind of fucked up of you to tell me to be normal.”
“Don’t pull the fucking autism card on me, asshole. I mean normal for you. Mom and Dad miss you.”
Come on, man. Did he have to say the quiet part out loud? “They can’t miss me, I live with them.”
“You’re being such a bitch. What’s your problem? Did you break up with Julia or something?”
Well if there was anyone that knew how to get under MK’s skin, it was her brother. “Fuck off, we aren’t even dating.”
Asher scoffed, rolling his eyes but he didn’t press. “All I’m saying is the last time you were like this it was because you had gotten freshly dumped.”
Fuck. The bag of chips crumpled as MK gripped it tighter, the sound grating on her ears. “Go fuck yourself.”
“Dude, seriously? What is your deal? You know nobody even fucking cares about that shit anymore, right? I saw Todd’s older sister in Orillia and she told me that after we moved nobody at school even mentioned it.”
MK’s hand was starting to hurt from how hard she was squeezing it, heart starting to pick up. What the fuck did Asher know, anyways? Of course his friend’s stupid sister wouldn’t remember MK’s fuckup. It didn’t matter if everyone in her school forgot because Ray would never forget, her father would never forget, MK’s parents would never forget. “I don’t want to hear that shit from you. Or did you forget all about how you blamed me for the move? Fucking hypocrite.”
MK turned back, marching towards the stairs as quickly as she could. Her brother’s voice was louder than it should’ve been at this time of night, steady and sarcastic and confident. “Yeah, and I got over it. I forgive you, stupid.”
Fucking idiot. MK’s hands were trembling now, dropping the bag of chips on the stairs before she scooped them up, practically sprinting to her room and slamming the door shut. He forgave her? Asher was denser than MK thought. That didn’t change anything, it didn’t undo the bullshit, didn’t take back the years of screamed insults they’d hurled at one another. Stupid Asher. He didn’t… He didn’t need a fuckup of a sister like MK.
He'd be an only child soon enough. She’d give him a brand new reason to resent her if she had to. And hell, if he was going to take on their parent’s feelings like this maybe it would be easier than she thought.
Waking up to the quiet of Christmas morning was honestly a gift in and of itself. Julia had stayed up late watching a few movies, nodding off on her couch before she dragged herself to bed, so she’d forgone any alarms in favor of getting a full sleep.
Mid-morning, not bad. The traffic in the city was slightly quieter, less travelers on the road. Julia reached for her phone, opening myselfiegram and scrolling through her feed. Gift hauls, fit checks, sappy little posts. Julia couldn’t resist laughing at a few of the poorly staged photos, some of the older influencer families that couldn’t get their idiot kids to pose nicely. It made Julia appreciate her youth that much more. If she wanted to, she could probably take a stunning selfie right here and now with no makeup and blow all these mommy bloggers out of the water. They probably got up freakishly early to start trying to hide all the wrinkles.
She kept scrolling until she hit the suggested posts on her feed, immediately frowning at a goddamn picture of Wayne. He was standing with his arms wrapped around a woman Julia could only assume was his mother, all toothy grins and Christmas cheer. The caption confirmed it, Julia quickly scrolling past to avoid staring at the makeshift millionaire anymore.
Of course that didn’t help, her stupid feed dumping Raj’s posts on her feed next. She kept scrolling. Fuck, Emma? Was that a new boyfriend…? Gag. Ripper? Blocked! Blocked, blocked, blocked! Julia did not need to see all this crap from people she couldn’t stand.
…Huh. Priya and fucking Caleb. Spending Christmas together? Julia was not going to be jealous of them. Annnd this feeling… wasn’t quite… shit. Why was her first genuine thought “Good for them?” Julia was going insane.
She swiped over to her texts, thumb hovering over the message box. MK was busy doing something today, even if it definitely probably wasn’t work. As much as Julia wanted to send screenshots, make fun of all these losers with MK she was… she felt like she was losing her edge.
Terrifying. The longer she looked at the picture of Priya and Caleb the more annoyed and amused she became, so that was a good sign at least. And shock, also, that Priya had unblocked her again. Huh. Wonder what that was about. Julia sat up, shivering a little as she slipped out of bed and into her kitchen.
Instinctively she opened her favorite delivery app to order coffee but, yeah, Christmas. Again, what was MK doing? It wasn’t Julia’s business but… maybe she’d bug MK about it later. For now, Julia was just grateful to have a coffee machine.
She put her phone on the counter as she busied herself with grinding the coffee, swiping a clean mug from the shelf. The machine hummed as Julia slid her cup under the spout, crossing the room to open the balcony curtains. It must’ve snowed overnight, a fresh soft blanket piled up on her balcony. Julia pressed her forehead against the glass, enjoying the way the cold spread against her skin before she leaned back as the machine sputtered the last few drops into her mug.
The smell of coffee was welcoming, Julia making a beeline for the refrigerator to pull out her massive container of creamer. It was fancy, though not quite as sweet as Julia wanted it to be. She looked over at the line of syrup bottles and flavors pressed against the wall, narrowing her eyes. This shouldn’t be this hard. MK didn’t make it look hard but then again it’s not like MK had ever made Julia a drinkable cup of coffee.
Okay, maybe that was too harsh. The last cup she had made Julia was a far cry from the first cup she had made Julia. That awful taste still haunted her dreams. Gag. She took a sip from her mug to wash away the memory. …Good, but not perfect. But it was drinkable. She swiped her phone off the counter as she crossed the room to sit on the couch, grabbing the TV remote. Her phone buzzed in her hand as Julia turned on some stupid movie, her heart catching when she noticed the text.
Unknown Number
Merry Christmas
Hope you’re
having a good
one
This… This shouldn’t still be hard. Julia shouldn’t still be embarrassed at the thought of saving Megan’s number. But if she did save it, was that committing to something? Was that admitting to something? She shook her head.
Unknown Number
thanks
you too
get anything
good?
New work
shoes.
I know
that doesn’t
sound
glamorous
But it
was
thoughtful
Yourself?
Uh. Well. Nothing, actually. Julia glanced around her apartment, eyes falling on the pile of baked goods on the kitchen counter.
Unknown Number
i made
myself some
cookies
Sounds nice
Great. Now Julia looked like a loser to her sibling. Dammit.
Unknown Number
it is
i’m saving
all my good
plans for NYE
with my
friend
Cool
The one I
met?
Well, met was a strong word.
Unknown Number
yeah
MK
Cool
I’m happy
you’ve got
someone
Makes this
time of the
year easier
God, Julia couldn’t do this. This was… Ugh, this was territory she wasn’t ready to cross with someone who she couldn’t bring herself to add to her contacts.
Unknown Number
yeah
Well I have
to get back
to it
I’m glad
you’re
having a
good holiday
Genuinely
right
yeah
you too
Bad. Awkward. A blaring, uncomfortable reminder that Julia was just sitting alone in her apartment on Christmas. She tossed her phone facedown on the couch cushion next to her, taking another long sip of coffee. Everyone was… Everyone was having a good time, huh? It felt gross to feel jealous of Megan, it always had. Julia had felt jealous when Megan escaped, when Megan wasn’t around to deal with their parents. Jealousy was an easy emotion for Julia, she’d felt it all her life. But…
This… This didn’t feel bad. Even though maybe it should’ve. Julia felt really, really… okay. Maybe not happy, but she felt… okay. Christmas was just another day today, and she was saving all her good plans for New Year’s. Things felt… different.
It didn’t feel suffocatingly lonely, even if Julia felt a pang in her heart at the sound of her TV, the distant muffled noises of her neighbors having their own celebrations. Megan probably dealt with this, right? From home, to their grandmother’s, to… to wherever Megan was now. In a happy home surrounded by loved ones and…
What was it that Julia wanted? Out of life, out of her relationships, from her future? The answers were still blurry, she couldn’t make them out. The unknown terrified her, but it was exciting at the same time. It didn’t used to be. But now it was. What the hell had happened?
Change happened. Years kept moving, things kept shifting, people kept leaving and entering Julia’s life. It made her feel helpless at times, filled her with the energy to get out of bed other times. What did she want to hold on to while things kept moving around her? Was it the dress in her closet? Was it the last of her online persona? Aspects of her personality? People?
“S’not the end of the world! Wouldn’t you rather know for sure?”
Dammit. Dammit, Wayne! Julia’s chest lurched at the thought, made her stomach drop and her hands feel clammy. Things kept changing, even around MK. Especially with MK it seemed. How could something so consistent feel so out of control? Time kept marching forward, this weird push and pull between them kept fluctuating, Julia unsure of how to grab on, what to say, what to do to keep the boat steady.
That’s all she had been doing for so long, trying to keep things still. Dammit. Fuck! She couldn’t take back any mistakes, was paralyzed with fear at the thought of making more but… but things were still changing with or without Julia’s words, her actions. MK wasn’t just some cute girl on a reality TV show anymore. She wasn’t just Julia’s friend anymore. But what they had was safe, what they had was enough.
…But would it stay this way forever?
MK was completely exhausted. Anyone would be if they crept out early in the morning and spent the day just… driving in circles. At least it wasn’t snowing today, the roads mostly free of travelers for the first half of the day.
Julia probably assumed MK was busy with her family and her family just assumed MK was busy with work so the silence was… expected. MK had gone to work, that much was true, but just to sit in the parking lot wasting gas. The radio was tuned into some stupid local station from Ottawa, Christmas music crackling through the speakers as MK alternated between staring blankly at her phone and at the building.
She wasn’t interested in gifts, it’s not like she’d get anything good. Not like she had anything for anyone either. MK didn’t need more crap when she was moving anyways. She had boxed up a ton of shit now, emptied her shelf and most of her desk. She was getting into her winter clothes now too, the stack of boxes beside her dresser now finally towering over it.
It was debatable whether or not her car could haul a trailer, so she might need to rent a fucking uhaul and tow her car behind it. That was a terrifying thought anyways, driving a box truck like that, but MK could do it. She would, soon enough. Easy. Sitting in a car for hours at a time was much easier when you were driving it.
It sure beat this. Ugh, MK was bored. Her phone was also on fucking four percent now. The sun had finally set, so it was definitely time to head home. She was dreading it, of course, but it would be over soon. Regular work hours starting tomorrow until New Year’s Eve which she had asked off for. That would be a short trip, thankfully. Arrive early New Year’s Eve, leave at some point on New Year’s Day, back to work the following day.
She was still… unsure of what to do about the Julia situation but she still had a week to figure it out, to make that critical choice. It would come to her, even if it… even if it filled her with all this dread. Fuck. Whatever, MK would be fine. She’d make it out just fine. She could handle holding Julia’s scorn for the rest of her life if it meant that… that Julia was safe from MK. She’d take on any of her loved one’s scorn for that. It was the least someone like MK could do.
Of course that didn’t alleviate the dread as she carefully pulled up her driveway. Her parents would be pissed, MK already knew that. She was later than she implied she’d be by a few hours, and she was about to walk inside with more beer that she had bought yesterday and kept in the car. At first she had thought about drinking it in the parking lot but, yeah, MK didn’t want to go out in a car crash.
Still, this was… hard. She stood on the porch till her cheeks were numb before finally unlocking the door. The faint smell of dinner hit her nose instantly, making her stomach growl before she pushed the feeling away. Maybe she’d steal some leftovers later in the night or maybe she’d avoid it all together. It’s not like she deserved the homecooked meal.
For now she just needed to get her beer in the refrigerator, grab what was left of her last box out of it and bring it upstairs, and then maybe give Julia an obligatory Christmas text before she drank herself to sleep. Simple. But, well, nobody else ever seemed to respect MK’s plans.
Her parents looked absolutely menacing for such a happy holiday, and the sight was funnier than anything else. They were both in the kitchen, as inconvenient as that was, and had both turned to look at MK when she walked through the door.
Her mother’s cheeks were red, eyebrows already drawn together in irritation and MK’s stomach dropped instantly at the thought that she had walked into the middle of an argument. From the frustration in her father’s eyes that might’ve actually been true, but they both turned the glare on MK with eerie precision. Her mother spoke first. “You’re home late.”
Shit. Would MK ever get used to her mother’s lawyer voice? She avoided eye contact as she pushed past them on her way towards the refrigerator, crouching down as she opened it. “Yeah. Traffic.” She didn’t need to excuse herself, but.
“Bullshit.”
…Huh? MK lifted her head, meeting her mother’s fierce gaze. “What?”
“Bullshit. You’re lying.”
MK swallowed, trying to push the intimidation away. “No I’m not.”
“Jen,” her father warned, voice strained.
“Drop it, Aaron.” Fuck, why did her mother sound so dangerous right now? “I’m at the end of my goddamn rope, Mary-Kate. Where the hell have you been?”
MK looked away instinctively, reaching for a can of beer and cracking the top. “I had work.”
“You’re lying. Your store wasn’t even open today, I called.” Fuck. “So where have you been?”
Goddammit. MK hadn’t prepared for this. Shit, did it even matter? “Out.” True enough. MK watched her father take a deep breath, trying to collect himself—
“Not good enough. Your next answer better be real or I’m taking your phone, your computer, and your car keys,” her mother snapped.
“You-You can’t do that! All those things belong to me!” MK sputtered.
“My house, my child, your consequences. Where. Have. You. Been?”
“In my fucking car!” MK didn’t mean to sound so desperate, a hot wave of embarrassment rushing to her cheeks. “I’ve just been in my car! Parked at work, okay?!”
The room was silent before her father cleared his throat, turning to look at her mother. “See? Jen, she’s not out doing drugs or whatever.”
“I am so sick of this shit.” Her mother reached up, pinching the bridge of her nose. “How much more of this are you going to let her get away with? Sneaking around, acting disrespectful, lying right to our faces?” She turned her attention back to MK, looking angrier than MK had ever seen. “I’m sick of this attitude, of these secrets and bad habits,” she pointed at the can in MK’s hand. “Whatever is going on with you ends now.”
“That’s not how these things work!” MK flinched at the volume of her father’s voice, momentary shock freezing her in place. “We can’t force her to be someone she’s not!”
“Is this who you think our daughter is?! A lying little trouble maker? You may think of her like that but I know Mary-Kate is not—”
“Stop fucking talking about me like I’m not here!” MK’s voice cracked, beer spilling down the sides of the can where she had accidentally crushed it. “What the hell do you know about me? You’re always fucking working anyways!”
“I know my child is better than this!” her mother argued. “I know I raised you to be better!”
“You can’t just yell and pressure her to change! It doesn’t work like that, she doesn’t work like that!” her father interjected, hands raised in exasperation.
“Well this isn’t working!” MK practically jumped when her mother wheeled around to face her again, jutting her hand out to gesture at MK. “We’ve been understanding, we’ve been gentle, and that hasn’t stopped the lying and the sneaking around. I’m tired of watching our daughter throw her life away for nothing!”
MK reached up, yanking her hat down over her ears, past her eyebrows. Too loud, too frantic, but she was too angry to escape. “Why the fuck are you this mad about me spending one day in my car by myself?!”
Quiet. Horrid, horrid, quiet. MK could hear herself breathing, feel her heart rocking her body as she bounced her foot impatiently. Her parents exchanged a long look, the tension hanging thick in the air as they argued with their eyes before finally snapping back to MK. Her mother swallowed hard, voice coming out steady and dark. “This is not about today. I’m talking about all your little lies that we’ve been indulging.” She raised her hand, counting off on her fingers. “Lying about ditching your pick-pocketing habits. Lying about your relationships. Lying about your summer job.” MK’s entire body was starting to tremble now, panic making her feet feel heavy. Her mother caught the change with a quick flick of her eyes, narrowing them further. “I’m so disappointed in you.”
“M…Mom, I—”
“How many times are we going to go through this with you, Mary-Kate? When are you going to finally learn that people talk? Did you really think that nobody would notice you were on TV? Just because we don’t have cable? You really think no one called us to ask about you competing in some crazy fucking reality show?” She closed her eyes, crossing her arms. “We kept waiting for you to come forward, to just say something. I wanted to corner you but—”
“But Mary-Kate is sensitive. You were hiding things for a reason, weren’t you?” Her father’s voice suddenly sounded small, uncertain. “There had to be a good reason why you keep… why you keep shutting us out.”
MK’s head was reeling, she felt hot, she felt sick, she felt trapped. So they knew? All along? Keeping it a fucking secret because they… because they… because they were doing it again, thinking that MK was someone that she wasn’t. Someone better. Someone worthy. She had to break that, had to end that now. “Because I don’t want you in my life, okay?! I-I hate you, both of you! Why the fuck don’t you get that?! Why don’t you hate me back?!”
Honestly, MK had never seen shock on her mother’s face like this before. She held it in an almost distinguished way, the way her eyes were wide but her lips were pulled into a thin straight line. The look stayed on her face for a long second before it was replaced with something… something practically heartbroken. “Why would we ever hate you?”
The last of MK’s composure snapped as she dropped the can in her hand, bringing both hands up to yank on her hat, pressing her palms against the side of her head. “Are you fucking kidding me?! Why the hell wouldn’t you?! You said it yourself, right? I’m a fucking thief, I’m a liar, I’m a bitch! I’m an awful fucking person and I’m tired of you acting like I’m not!” Her voice was loud, raw, cracking uncomfortably as she squeezed her eyes shut.
Her father jumped in immediately, voice raised but tone laced with his usual placating. “Mary-Kate, that’s not tr—”
“Yes it is! If you fucking knew me at all you’d know that was true!” MK screamed. “I’m the one who always gets in trouble and-and fucks everything up and gets caught lying and cheating and stealing! I’m the one who got us chased out of Orillia!” She opened her eyes, glaring at her mother.
“That is not what happened!” Her mother’s voice was louder, more emotional than MK had heard it. It made her own heart start hammering in her chest, sending a pulse through her body to the tips of her fingers and toes, begging her to run.
“Bullshit! I got you fucking fired, I ruined Ray’s fucking life, and you’re still trying to act like I’m not an awful person! Wake the fuck up!” MK’s voice hurt from the strain, a dangerous swelling in the back of her throat and eyes. No, absolutely not.
“Do you want the truth? Is that it? Fine! You are the reason we ended up in this house! Because we had to move on such short notice! But your actions didn’t get me fired, Mary-Kate, that was always going to happen!” Her mother’s voice was a mixture of anger and pleading, coming from some place MK hadn’t heard before. “You aren’t an awful person, you just keep making these goddamn choices! If you would just stop—”
“I can’t!” MK’s entire body was trembling as she squeezed her head harder, trying to find some solace in the pressure. “Why don’t you fucking get it?! This is what I am!”
“You don’t have to be!” Her mother slammed her hand down on the counter, instantly silencing the room.
MK’s breaths were shaky, her eyes blurry as she focused on the tile floor. They were never going to get it, were they? Her parents didn’t see her, they didn’t understand her, they were so caught up in this—this idea of who she could be that they refused to even see who she unshakably was—! She lifted her head, meeting her mother’s eyes. “I will never be the normal daughter you wanted.”
The frustration left her mother’s face instantly as she paled, a look of pure defeat if MK had ever seen one. “I-I don’t—”
“This is it!” MK gestured to herself, an uncomfortable laugh bubbling out. “This is all I’m ever going to be! I can’t be normal, I can’t be good, I can’t be the daughter you want.” She laughed harder, feeling tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “The ultimate fucking mistake! You should have just fucking aborted me.”
MK pressed her palms against her eyes to absorb the tears before they could fall, rubbing hard before removing them. A chill ran down her spine when she realized her mother’s eyes were watery, tears already sliding down her cheeks. “All I want, Mary-Kate… All I want is for you to succeed. All I want is for you to live a g-good life…!” Her mother wiped her tears against her arm, eyes filling with some strange fierceness as she dropped her arm. “I know that you can do better. I know the kind of person you’re capable of being. It’s never been about being normal! You are the daughter I wanted, you will always be the daughter I want. I will never stop loving you. I just want you to live a life you deserve. I want you to wake up and realize things don’t have to be like this! You’re not some terrible person, you’re not some lost cause, you’re capable of so much more!”
Something inside MK broke, a weird sense of calm rushing over her head so quickly it made her feel dizzy, reaching out to brace herself against the refrigerator. Even now… Even now her mother was still hung up on these delusions of who MK was. Caught up in this idea of who she could be. Empty sentiment, wasted sentiment. Nobody got it, huh? MK was hollow, she was empty. Carefully constructed around a core of broken glass. There was no changing, no fixing to be done. MK would cease to exist if anything changed. She was nothing. The MK that existed to her parents never existed. The MK that existed to Julia never existed. It was just this hollow feeling masquerading as a person, huh? She couldn’t begin to live up to those expectations.
Cut it off. Set them all free. “Go fuck yourself, Mom.” She turned to her father, not at all surprised to find him looking absolutely battered by the emotional barrage that had been let loose. She felt… she felt nothing. “Fuck you too.” A laugh came out, MK forcing it to be louder, to showcase who she… who she really was. “Enjoy your goddamn fucking make-believe.” She clenched her fist so tight it hurt, fingers burning as she met her father’s eyes. Twist the knife harder, make it count. “I auditioned for that show for the money, so I could finally get away from you.”
Her hands were still trembling as she stood up straighter, turning and heading out of the kitchen, shoulder-checking her father on the way. He didn’t budge, and his warmth sent a pang straight through MK’s heart on her way to the door. Don’t think, don’t linger, don’t wait around for things to start hurting. This was how it should be, how it needed to be. She grabbed her car keys, yanked on her jacket and tugged the door open. The silence was haunting as MK paused, that last little smoldering ember in the bottom of her lungs holding out, waiting for someone to stop her before she ran again, waiting for anything to change her mind. Pointless.
She slammed the door shut behind her, jogging to her car. She didn’t know where she’d sleep tonight, didn’t really care. Two down, one to go. She’d set her family free, now she just needed to… she just…
She needed to let go of Julia.