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Ever since Aled knew himself, he knew that he was supposed to succeed.
At least, that’s what everyone always told him.
He was so smart.
What else was he supposed to do?
But he never wanted that, did he?
You don't have to be a hero to save the world
“So why have you been talking to me then? I’m so unimpressive.”
He never learned that sometimes people just like you for who you are. Sometimes people just want to spend time with you, just like you just want to spend time with them. People may like you just as much as you like them, as well. He had never realized it.
It doesn't make you a narcissist to love yourself.
And sometimes, people just hate you for who you are.
Or for what you have.
Sometimes people will hate you just because you exist. And there’s nothing you can do about it.
It feels like nothing is easy, it'll never be
He first learned that when Carys stopped talking to him. He understood her. He really did. He would hate him too if he was in her position.
He also learned that when he put his podcast out into the world. It wasn’t all fun and games. Some people just wanted to be mean.
He also thought of that when he realized that best friends don’t really kiss for fun. When he learned that what he and Daniel did was looked down upon people. That his mom could never find out about it.
He also realized that when he was alone in his uni room. The floor was covered in clothes and his hair was a mess. He disgusted himself. And he knew he disgusted people too. But, at the time, he was helpless. There was nothing he could do but hate himself.
Every time he thought about these things, it was like a little weight was pressed against his chest. And he didn’t know how to get rid of it.
…
“Yeah, he is that sort of person.”
“What sort of person?
“The sort of person who doesn’t speak spontaneously. Who won’t say anything if you don’t ask.”
That’s alright, let it out, talk to me
When he first met Frances, it was like everything clicked. Suddenly, life made sense.
It felt like it was fine being a person as long as he could be her friend.
It was like he had never lived before.
He felt loved. In a way different from everything he knew. He didn’t have to do anything. He didn’t have to pretend. He didn’t have to think before he spoke. He could just
Be.
You don't have to be a prodigy to be unique
You don't have to know what to say or what to think
You don't have to be anybody you can never be
That’s alright, let it out, talk to me
“How are you not cold?”
“I stopped feeling anything ages ago.”
Sometimes he felt as if everything was meaningless. Because nothing that sparkled joy had any purpose. What is the point of living if everything good in life has to be a reward?
“Every night I get chest pains and I’m convinced I’m gonna die.”
Sometimes he wished he did.
Anxiety, tossing, turning in your sleep
Even if you run away, you still see them in your dreams
But then he remembered all the little things that Frances did that made him happy. All the endless amount of times they spent together doing anything or nothing, watching movies, talking, drawing, writing, listening to dumb music and eating ice cream.
It's so dark tonight, but you'll survive, certainly
How for the first time in his life he felt so comfortable that it was impossible to contain his smile.
Euphoria
It's alright, come inside, and talk to me
But at some point it wasn’t enough.
At one point, when everything started to crumble apart, when everything that he had built had fell into pieces, he couldn’t remember any of that.
He couldn’t even trust himself.
“You told me yourself that you’re the reason Carys is gone.”
The look in her eyes that day made him want to punch himself so hard he would turn inside. Every time he remembered it, he would want to disappear.
Everything that day felt fake, as if someone had kidnaped him and replaced him with a robot. Nothing made sense in his head anymore.
And then he left and everything got worse.
Every single day he would fight the urge to call her apologizing to the moon and back. To tell her that he was the most stupid human being alive and that he didn’t deserve her. To beg on his knees for her forgiveness. Anything to be able to talk to her again
Because he was too afraid that anything he did would made him lose her.
She, on the other hand, was braver than him. She called him once, and even invited him over for the holidays.
We can talk here on the floor
On the phone, if you prefer
I'll be here until you're okay
Listening to her voice again only lost to actually seeing her face that day on the train station.
But, of course, he wasn’t brave enough. He ran away, scared and confused. He couldn’t deal with all the things that he had left behind. He couldn’t deal with real life.
And even then, she was able to be the most amazing human being to ever exist.
She went after him ’til the end.
Let your words release your pain
“Nowhere to go. No one to help me”
You and I will share the weight
“Im here. I can help you.”
Growing stronger day by day
That night, on the bench, was the first time on his life he actually spoke what he was thinking.
A surreal experience.
It's so dark outside tonight
“I knew she would ruin this for me. I knew she would take the one last thing I have and ruin it.
Build a fire warm and bright
“We all just want you to be okay”
“All— You and Daniel?”
“Carys is here”
And the wind, it howls and bites
“What if I… Can’t get a job, and… I’ll never be able to leave home… and—“
“You can live with me and we’ll get joint shifts at the village post office and we’ll make Universe City together… And we’ll be happy.”
Bite it back with all your might
He could barely think. All he could process was the noise of the train, the mechanical voice on the speakers and Frances desperate look. All he could feel was the feeling of hopeless sadness he felt alone in his uni room. All he could think about was him sitting in an office writing meaningless words that no one cared about.
He couldn’t do it.
He had to leave.
Anxiety, tossing, turning in your sleep
It’s hard, still.
The darkness, the thoughts and the worry come back every day.
They hold still, in the back of his mind.
Even if you run away, you still see them in your dreams
What if everything goes wrong?
…
It was nearly 10pm, Aled had already come back from their shift at the library and had been writing some ideas for Universe City on the kitchen table for about an hour when Frances arrived at the flat.
“Guess what? It’s our Flatversary!” She said without ceremony, locking the door behind her.
“Uhm, care to explain?” They asked, raising their head to look at her.
“Today, It’s been exactly six months since we moved here” she said, placing shopping bags in front of him. Aled smiled.
“Soo, of course, we had to celebrate” she said, pulling a box of store-bought cupcakes from a bag.
“Is that just an excuse to eat cake?” They said, getting up to grab them plates.
“Uhm, excuse-me but no? I actually care about our silly little moldy flat? And either way, I don’t need an excuse to eat cake, dummy.” She said, sounding all excited.
“Okay, I guess you’re right.”
“I’m always right, mate” she said, grabbing something else from the bag. “Also, look! I made bracelets for you!”
He turned back to find her holding three bracelets of different colors - pink, blue and purple. As soon as they glanced at it, it was impossible not to tear up.
It's so dark tonight, it looks nice, fall asleep
“I knooow the colors are a bit obvious and boring but I guess that makes it easier to associate… Oooh come here” she said, getting close for a hug.
A day before, Aled had come out as gender fluid. It was probably one of the hardest things they had ever done. They could never imagine that a year ago, and there they were.
“Thank you” Aled said, in a muffled voice, as she hugged them.
“You don’t have to thank me, stupid.”
They stood there for a while.
“I love you, y’know?” She said after she pushed back from the hug, reaching for the cupcakes.
“Stop being cheesy, Jesus” Aled said, joining her.
“It was you the one who started crying about some bracelets, mate. Don’t blame me!” She laughed. They both laughed together.
Then, Aled put on the purple bracelet.
“I love you too, now stop.” They said.
“Okay, okay, I’m not doing anything!”
And in moments like that, Aled realized that it was going to be okay.
It didn’t matter who the world wanted them to be.
It didn’t matter whoever thought they shouldn’t exist.
It was okay if things didn’t go as planned.
They would find a way out. They would be fine.
They were allowed to have fun and to enjoy life.
They would have people that they loved, and that loved them back.
And that was a good enough reason to keep going.
It's alright, come inside, and talk to me.