Chapter Text
Lily stays in the same place for ages, dancing with her arms wrapped around Mary. She can’t help but feel self conscious.
Is Mary’s annoyed by the extra weight she still hasn’t managed to get off?
Lily shrinks into herself at the thought. Lily’s only looked away to see Remus snogging Sirius until they were both dizzy, and then watched them disappear into their dorm with Peter whistling after them and James cheering.
She lifted her head from Mary’s shoulder, and she couldn’t spot James. Perhaps he left to get some air? Lily couldn’t spot Regulus, either.
“Lily?” Mary asks softly, or as softly as she can with the music this loud.
“Hmm?” Lily tries for nonchalant.
“I’m sorry,” Mary says into her ear.
“For what?” Lily asks, huffing an exasperated laugh. It was usually her apologizing for something. What did Mary have to apologize for?
Mary hesitates. Her whole-body pauses. The two of them stand there in an embrace, everyone else moving around them.
“Mary?” Lily asked gently. “What are you apologizing for?”
“I’m sorry I pushed you away that time,” Mary says sheepishly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask if I could kiss you.” Lily doesn’t miss a beat. She practiced this in her head, an endless and albeit toxic cycle.
Mary blinked. “What? I wanted to kiss you.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“You do now.”
Lily huffs. “Okay.”
“Do you?”
Lily blushes, hiding her face in Mary’s shoulder again. “I do.”
Cherries.
“Hey.” Mary pats her head gently. “Don’t hide.”
Lily begrudgingly lifts her head. “‘M not hiding.”
Mary smiles softly. Lily’s pulse races, jittery and jumping everywhere. She brings her hand up to Lily’s jaw and her thumb brushes over Lily’s cheek. Lily melts into a puddle right then and there. She would’ve fallen if her grip around Mary was any less tight.
“I can’t believe you kissed me first,” Mary says with a bashful smile.
“I can’t, either,” Lily mumbles, unable to form very coherent thoughts other than Mary.
Mary’s hand slides to hold Lily’s chin delicately. “I’m going to spend every moment I can thanking you,” she whispers.
Lily makes a choking sort of noise, something she’s dimly embarrassed about when Mary’s lips brush hers, not a kiss but a featherlight touch.
“What do you want, darling?” Mary whispers onto her lips.
Lily doesn’t miss a beat. “You.”
They’re kissing. More than lips brushing, bodies molding together. More than the racing of one’s heart matched by the others. More than teasing words swapped and swallowed. It’s more than a galactical collision. The moment a meteor hits Earth’s surface and the shockwaves that come with it, destroying everything. The start of something spiritual, a collective offering of thanks to Aphrodite. A historical event, something all the history books will envy, and try their damn hardest to recreate. Something they’ll never be able to.
I love you.
No sound can be heard by either of them except the sighs and the noises the other swallows. Nothing can be seen except the darkness of their eyes, and the stars behind them.
The electricity of skin on skin, the luxurious taste of cherries, only known to them. The swirling thoughts, or lack thereof, and the grappling for anything the other will give. Everything only they understand, on a spiritual level. The communication of their souls to each other, the intertwinement of infinite threads.
I love you.
Mary pulls away, dazed and unwilling. Lily’s hands are in her hair, a messy tuft peeking out from her right. Shades of pink are scattered delicately around her face, swirling around like brush strokes. All shades of honey, caramel, and chocolate decorate her widened eyes. Lily sees them clear as day.
Mary dips closer, her lips brushing Lily’s ear. “Jules and Marls have disappeared,” she whispers. “Good chance one of them’s taken the dorm.”
Lily barely suppresses a shiver. “And?”
“You know the Come and Go room?” Mary pulls back, leaving a patch of warmth on Lily’s cheek to cool. Lily nods, hoping it’s right. “We’ll have it to ourselves.”
Lily freezes.
“Only if you want to,” Mary adds hastily, smirk only slightly dropping. Her hand still rests on Lily’s chin, forcing her to hold Mary’s gaze.
Lily pulls her back in.
Heat coils in her stomach like a resting snake. Heat radiates from both their bodies, melding them together. Rough clacking of teeth, and roaming hands set the scene. Rough and rushed are not their usuals, but Lily can’t help it.
A sudden need, an urge to take Mary and have her, becomes unbearably strong. Her hands grab onto every part of Mary, her arms to her back, her neck to her hair.
“Fuck,” Lily whines into Mary’s mouth, breaking away.
Mary smiles triumphantly before dragging them out the back door and running up a flight of stairs before Lily presses her against the nearest wall, not letting the moment go.
They stumble towards a space, any space where no one is, taking turns pinning the other to the wall. Lily loses herself in the thrill of dipping her fingers under Mary’s shirt ever so slightly and feeling her shudder against her. She lets Mary pin her hands above her, peppering her jaw with kisses and drawing out noises Lily would find embarrassing if she was with anyone else. Mary makes her feel safe, rewards her for these embarrassing moments.
When they fell onto the stairs, they didn’t stop. That was until they nearly tripped off the stairs and onto the ground. They stopped snogging to properly climb the stairs. Lily couldn’t stop staring at Mary as she marched on step after step, a determined set to her shoulders. Mary doesn’t look at her once. Lily trails after her like a lap dog, drowning in the rapid syncopation of her heart and the blood pounding through her ears.
They walk side by side to the Come and Go, panting and flushed, for one reason or another, and are flying up the stairs. Well, Mary’s flying up the stairs while dragging Lily along by her hand. Lily’s all too happy to comply. There’s this jittery excitement inside of Lily, the knowledge that something’s going to happen. Something’s already happening. Something’s already happened.
They push through a door Lily swore she’s never seen before. It’s an exact replica of their dorm. Mary pushes her onto the nearest bedpost. Lily couldn’t care less because Mary’s pressing those sinful gentle and lingering kisses on her neck. Lily can’t think. They fall into the bed, rolling around and eventually, it’s Lily’s back that ends up on the bed and her hands pinned above her. Lily’s so okay with it actually. Mary takes forever exploring her neck and Lily impatiently pushes forward, tipping their mouths together again. Explosive euphoria satisfies the jitters.
More, more more.
Mary, Mary, Mary.
Then, Lily feels a warm hand snake under her shirt. Her body. Mary’s touching the thing Lily hides from her the most.
A wretched wave of nausea overrides all senses.
Lily flinches so hard, Mary stops and regards her with her eyebrows furrowed. “Lily?” She asks tentatively.
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I can’t
I hate it
Don’t touch me
Lily’s pulled herself entirely from Mary’s grasp, curling into a ball on the bed, facing away from Mary. Her body itches to be touched again, but she can’t let that. Not when she still can’t accept the way she looks.
“I’m sorry,” Lily rasps, hoping her voice doesn’t give away her tears.
“Did I do something?” Of course, Mary thinks she did something. She doesn’t understand that she’s amazing and could never do anything wrong to Lily.
Lily shakes her head feebly, her lip wobbling. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.
Mary shifts closer, still not touching Lily. “What are you sorry for, darling?” She asks gently.
“I-I don’t like you touching me there.”
Mary pauses. “Around your…” she sounds as lost as Lily feels. She’s happy. She doesn’t mind the size of her middle anymore. Or at least, she thought she didn’t. She stopped thinking about it. But being with Mary didn’t warrant much time to think about anything or anyone other than Mary.
“My stomach,” Lily can feel herself tremble at the words. She’s never admitted it out loud, though it was never really a secret.
“Oh.”
“I-“ Lily’s fingers flex, she tries to piece the letters together. “If you don’t touch it, I can pretend it’s not there, it doesn’t exist. I thought it got better, that I didn’t mind it anymore. I’m sorry.” Her voice is thick, more drops of tears rolling out of her eyes.
“Hey, don’t be sorry.” Mary rests her hand on Lily’s shoulder. Lily pathetically sinks into the warmth like it’s the only thing she’ll ever need. “It’s okay. We don’t have to shag today.”
“But I want to,” Lily says petulantly.
Mary huffs. “I do, too, but…”
They can’t shag if Lily can’t stand Mary touching any part of her skin that isn’t her hands. Lily screams internally, cursing her size, cursing her in acceptance of her size. Mary, who’s oblivious, moves in gently behind her, pulling down Lily’s jumper before hugging her from behind.
“Is this okay?” She asks softly.
Lily’s brain short circuits.
Okay?
“So okay,” Lily chokes.
Oh gods, I love her.
Lily turns around, adjusting herself in Mary’s arms so she can bury her face in the crook of Mary’s neck.
I love you.
Mary’s hands reach closer and draw circles on the back of Lily’s. Lily melts with each passing of her thumb.
“I love you,” Lily whispers, barely audible. Her face is still slick with tears, her throat still thick and moving words around it felt like trying to move in sludge.
Mary stops drawing circles on Lily’s hand. “What?” She murmurs. Lily can hear the slight smirk in her voice. Lily reaches one of her hands to hit Mary’s arm lightly.
“I said I love you,” Lily whispers, louder this time.
“You don’t have to say it because I said it-“
“I’m not.”
Mary makes a disbelieving noise.
“I don’t know when I started falling in love with you.” Lily smiles dryly into Mary’s neck. Mary’s breath hitches.
“Me neither.” Mary lets out a breathless laugh, pulling her in, yet again.
When they pull away, Lily nuzzles closer into Mary, a surge of victory when Mary goes back to idly drawing circles on her hand.
“We’ll shag,” Lily promises, feeling foolish.
“I’m holding you to that,” Mary teases lightly.
Lily hums contentedly. This is what love feels like. Soft and safe like a blanket. Comforting and constant. A bright light turned on in a room that’s only known darkness. A light that’s blinded Lily.
---
Lily slept blissfully, only for it to be disturbed by faint murmurs. At first, Lily ignored them. They were creations of her own mind. She snuggled closer to the warmth surrounding her. Arms tightened around her, keeping her close. Someone was pressed up against her, comfort radiating from their touch. She breathed in, trying to recall her surroundings.
Of course, there was that ever-lasting scent of cherries.
At this point, it’s living in her nostrils.
Cherries.
Mary.
Mary. Lily’s heart races at her name as she instinctively presses herself closer. Simply to be closer to Mary. She feels so far from her, separated by their bodies and Lily’s flab.
Lily squeezes her closed eyes.
Fuck.
Her and Mary were going to shag last night, but they didn’t. Lily still, above all, hated herself. Or, at least, how her body looked. She thought with all these days not thinking about it, she’d gotten over it. Of course, she should’ve known these things were too stubborn. They’d never leave her. It was in their nature. Lily has to learn how to sidestep them, make miniatures.
She breathes in. Out. In. Out.
Even though I hate my body right now, I will learn to love it.
She taps the side of her hand nervously, careful not to wake Mary. Once her heart calms a bit and she’s no longer feeling restricted in her own body, Lily shifts herself. Her face is snug in the crook of Mary’s neck.
Cherries, and more cherries.
I love you.
Mary’s eyelashes fluttered, and Lily froze. Did she wake Mary? Mary let out another puff of air, and Lily relaxed. Mary inhaled through her nose, before releasing it with a puff through her mouth. The worried crease in her eyebrow that arose from N.E.W.T.s season disappeared, and her frown had tipped into a small, serene smile. Lily smiled softly at the sight of it. The small scar on her left eyelid becomes more prominent in sleep, looking like a cut. Sunlight drifts through the curtains, hitting Mary’s face in rays.
Ethereal.
Beams of golden blended Mary’s skin into a wonderful chestnut color, dipping and swirling. They painted her eyelashes into strokes of bronze, and her hair into streaks of caramel decorated with splatters of the delicacy of chocolate, and the edges of umber. Mary looked like a doll, her face waned at the right points, her skin clearer than melted caramel. A strand of hair found its way out of her bonnet, whispers of ethereality. Her arms were stubborn around Lily’s waist, keeping her from pulling away. Mary’s mouth moved as she muttered something in her sleep, something Lily couldn’t catch. She was entranced. In previous years, she hadn’t seen much of Mary first thing in the morning, having got up hours before everyone.
Lily studied her until she felt her own eyes drooping again. Back into settled slumber she goes, a phantom separated from her body.
Angelic white surrounded her. The white had turned less harsh, and more comforting. Lily hadn’t been to this place in a while. She was getting better, after all.
It’s okay to not know everything, she’s learnt. She can’t know everything, and she can’t learn everything despite how hard she tries, and that’s a harsh truth. It’s okay to have doubts, but it’s not okay to let them overtake you. You cannot allow yourself to become a slave to your mind when there is so much else to you. When your soul is calling for something else. It’s okay to doubt others, and okay to doubt yourself. Everyone does it, the dumbest people, and the most intelligent. It’s a simple thing humans do that makes them human.
It's okay to not be perfect or meet everyone’s ideals for her. It’s okay to accept that there will always be people praying on her downfall, or misunderstanding her intentions, or enraged at her because she tried harder. There will always be people upset with her, and many of them will be people she doesn’t know. She can be imperfect, yet still a great person. Many of her favorite people were imperfect, yet she still thought the world of them. Mary, for example. Mary had made many mistakes in the name of protecting herself or protecting someone else. Marlene had, too. As did Julie. All of Lily’s best friends, the people that make up Lily’s heart, they’re all imperfect. They all have their cracks and rugged edges. Yet, Lily adores them. Unconditionally. They are the people she wishes to have with her on every arduous journey, every obstacle. They are the people Lily will choose over and over again without a second thought. They are the people Lily will always look up to and will always work things out with. They are the people Lily look up to the most, and the people she wishes to impress. They are her people.
And if they can accept that Lily’s imperfect, love her despite her flaws, then Lily can, too. Perhaps Lily can learn to love herself, too. Perhaps Lily can learn to be enough for herself without pushing too far. Perhaps Lily can give herself to gift to just be.
~
Mary’s arms are still wrapped comfortably around her when she wakes up. The room is dimmer than it was the last time she woke up. Lily doesn’t open her eyes immediately. She inhales deeply, and exhales. She lets herself relax into Mary. Mary seems to have been sleeping much deeper than Lily.
The sunlight is no longer dancing on her face, and Lily still finds her so beautiful. She doesn’t think it’ll ever end, this yearning to touch Mary. This want to be close to her. Always. Mary’s started pouting in her sleep, and all Lily wants to do is kiss her. Make her smile. She settles for smiling to herself and just looking (because apparently, she can do that now). She’ll never tire of watching Mary. Even in her sleep, when the only thing she does is breathe and shift around. Lily closes her eyes again, focusing on the warmth of Mary’s body folded around hers. She pretends she’s in the centre of the universe, safely enveloped from the rest of the world. No one can touch her here. No one can harm her, no one can do anything about it and that’s no one’s problem but theirs.
Lily’s safe here.
Safe.
She doesn’t have to be anyone in Mary’s arms, she doesn’t have to pretend. She doesn’t have to stay the same person or put up a tiring façade. Even if she does, Mary would see right through her, so really, it’s no use. She’s been eating more, and Mary’s ecstatic. She’s been trying to expect less from herself and accepting that there are some limits she can’t exceed, no matter how much she’ll try to. She’ll never be ‘thin’ no matter how much she starves herself, and apparently, that’s okay.
Mary’s holding her like she’s worth holding, despite every crooked corner, and every horrible thing inside of her. Mary holds her like she’s beautiful. Like she can be someone despite all her imperfections and limitations. Mary never expects Lily to remember everything, and know everything, and when Lily forgets, she’s never patronising. Mary holds her like it was the only thing they were meant to do, and Lily feels whole.
In her arms, she feels like a person. Not a perfect student, or perfect friend.
Someone.
Not the Lily Evans, or Head Girl, or even Lily Evans. Not the expectations of what comes with the name Lily Evans.
Just Lily.
Her darling.
Someone.
Someone who can be imperfect yet be loved regardless. Someone who can scream and shout at her, yet she’ll still love you with her soul. Someone that matters, and someone who doesn’t have to be someone else, no matter how much they feel they need to. Someone who deserves her smiles and her touch. Someone who deserves to be seen. Someone who deserves to be given a chance, regardless of how big the mistake.
Lily settles into the warmth of safety. She settles into its welcoming embrace, and she’s held.
Oh.
Is this what it means to be loved?
Lily doesn’t know.
I should-
Mary shifts, reminding Lily of her presence.
That’s okay, she says instead.
You should know. The voice says feebly.
I don’t have to know.
You should.
~
They rise so late they almost miss breakfast. It seems, so did their friends. Julie and Marlene glance at them.
Lily’s close enough to hear their murmurs.
“Are they-?” Julie whispers.
Marlene shrugs, shovelling mashed potatoes into their mouth. “Who the fuck really knows?”
They saw her and Mary dancing together yesterday, though they never made it official. They must know.
Mary and Lily slide in next to them, watching with bleary eyes as their plates that satisfy their rumbling stomachs.
“So?” Marlene raises their eyebrows.
“So what?” Lily snaps, glaring at them.
Marlene gestures to Mary, then to Lily. “You got anything to say for yourself?”
Lily continues to glare at her.
Julie sighs. “Are you back together?”
We weren’t-
Were we?
Lily nods. Vigorously. So much so that Mary huffs.
“Creeps,” she mumbles.
“So, you’re back together, or what’s this?” Marlene huffs.
Lily glances at Mary, who’s already looking. Then, when Lily opens her mouth to say something, she finds Mary’s lips cradling her own. Lily doesn’t remember what she was going say. She doesn’t remember the question she was answering. Nothing had just happened, as far as Lily was concerned. Just Mary and the way she uses her mouth in the most sinful way. She doesn’t remember anything except the taste of Mary, and how it feels to have her hands gently cradling her jaw as if she were something precious. Lily melts like she does every time. She’s unaware of where her hands are going, and she can’t feel any of her limbs. It’s like she’s gone limp in Mary’s hands, letting her do whatever she wants.
Mary’s careful not to reach under Lily’s jumper and the only thing Lily can think of is;
Gods, I love you.
Then, Mary pulls away abruptly. Lily lets out an irritated sound. Mary huffs, patting Lily’s hand and not letting go of it.
She looks at Marlene, who’s gaping at them, and Julie who’s clasped a hand over her mouth. “I’d say we’re pretty much back together,” Mary deadpans.
Lily starts giggling. Hysterically. It sounds manic, but what’s she supposed to do when Mary—when Mary’s so herself?
Mary smiles at her. Fondly? She’s not sure.
Julie squeals. “Finally!”
Marlene shakes their head. “Merlin, you two are idiots.”
Mary frowns. “Rude.”
Marlene sticks their tongue out at Mary.
Mary flips them off.
Lily manages to calm down enough to see this interaction. Wriggling out of Mary’s embrace, Julie pulls her into the fiercest hug.
“Thank the gods, and Merlin, and whoever else is up there,” she murmurs to herself.
Lily, despite her lungs being squeezed, manages a snort. “Thanks, Jules,” she says faintly.
“This calls for a celebration!” Julie sing songs, after she hugs Mary. Then, she starts singing loud enough for the Ravenclaw’s next to them turn and gape. Lily doesn’t care, though. She’s having the time of her life.
Ooh, you can dance, you can jive
Having the time of your life
Ooh, see that girl, watch that scene
Digging the dancing queen
---
It’s been 3 days since the party. 3 days and Lily’s always there beside her. She can’t get over how adorable Lily looks in the morning. She can’t get over how she knows what Lily Evans looks like in the morning. She can’t get over the fact that Lily loves her (!!).
Lily’s always woken up hours before the rest of them, and even when Mary woke up before, she felt like it was intruding on Lily’s privacy to look at her when she slept. Though, she was laying on her arm right now, and Mary couldn’t look away from her. Not when her flaming hair is scattered around her like a halo, making her seem like a painting. Her face was pinched in a scowl, eyes squeezed together and mouth downturned and parted just slightly. She snorted in her sleep, not consistent enough to be snoring. Her arms were tied around Mary’s waist, loosely hanging. Mary tried not to sink into the warmth and comfort that they offered.
She melted into a puddle.
Lily looked iridescent. The sun had painted a portrait on her face, highlighting the freckles dotting her face, the darkness of her eyelashes. It hit sections of her hair, brightening it as if her hair were lightning. It ran up her nose, making Mary want to trail a finger on it delicately. Her pale skin shone in the light. Mary itched to touch her. Lily shifted on her arm, sighing. Mary tried desperately to calm her heart.
I love you, Lily had said.
Mary doesn’t think she’s ever felt happier. Well, other than the day Lily really kissed her and all the other times Lily has kissed her. Ecstasy exploded in her stomach, poisoning all her veins and flooding through her at a record-breaking pace. Every neuron in her brain snapped and fired, firework explosions going up, up, up. Every nerve in her face felt alive, and the grin she was holding couldn’t be sustainable. It was so wide she thought her skin might crack, and her mouth would fall off in a grin to the ground. Her hands grew awfully warm and sweaty, but Lily didn’t seem to mind, caught up in her own mind. Mary had been the slightest bit upset that they didn’t get to shag, but Lily saying that made everything better. It mended all of Mary’s insides, every broken and empty space in her soul, filling every cranny and every nook, every corner that she’d forgotten about. Lily pieced her back together with her bare hands and didn’t mind that she was bleeding. She didn’t mind that Mary would hurt her. She didn’t mind that Mary might ruin it all by doing too much, by being too much. She had this soft smile playing on her face, like she couldn’t imagine being anywhere else other than in Mary’s arms and Mary felt alive. She felt so, so alive. Her skin burned, hyper-aware of the speed of her blood from adrenaline. Lily loved her. She loved Lily.
She’d kissed Lily, of course, because there was no other acceptable option. She’d kissed Lily with everything she had, and more, everything she could muster because Lily loved her. She didn’t care that maybe it was too much, maybe this was just another plant she would drown. Lily loved her. That’s all that mattered.
They’d kissed for an eternity. Mary never wanted to stop. The only thing that split them apart in the end was oxygen.
Then, Lily had sunk into Mary’s arms, and oh. Mary doesn’t think she’s ever held anyone properly before. They fit like 2 broken pieces of glass from the same bottle. They fit like it was the only thing their bodies were made for. Lily had buried her face into Mary’s neck and Mary was dead. Deceased.
Oh.
She breathed in Lily’s faint grassy scent. Her face was buried in Lily’s hair, dwelling in the softness. Lily’s arms reached around her hesitantly, but when they settled, Mary was hit by a row of dominos that felt like bricks.
This was home.
Not the house where the only thing that could be heard was shouting, and meaningless apologies. Not the house where more plates than hearts were broke. Not the house where Mary blasted music for her and Diane because Diane didn’t know. Not the house where Mary never felt safe, comfortable, or welcomed. Not the house where Mary felt like a stranger.
Not the school that gave Mary bonds that will last for the rest of time. Not the library that she’d felt so smart in. Not the school that led Mary into a world of enchantments, and magic beyond her imagination. Not the movies that gave Mary an escape, not the books that gave Mary comfort. Not the flat she’ll live in with Lily.
Here.
In Lily Evans’s arms. Staring at Lily Evans, asleep in her arms.
This is home. This is what home means.
Mary had always thought home was a fictional concept, some comforting lie that others would just tell her for the sake of telling her. She’d always shrugged off the notions that she’d find home someday, because if the place that’d accepted wasn’t home, then what was? Mary never truly understood what it meant when the books talked about home, and the luxury that came with it. It was always a fictional thing. Something found only in movies, like true love. Or once upon a time.
But, oh.
She found it. She’s always had it.
Home is the dried drool making its home at the corner of Lily’s mouth. Home is the lovely red of Lily’s hair, and the softness of Lily’s body. Home is the warmth of Lily’s arms and the sharpness of Lily’s eyes. Home is the wobble of Lily’s lip, and her exasperated smile. Home is the caution of Lily’s touch, and the burn of her skin on Mary’s.
Home is Lily Evans.
Mary’s begun to realize that love isn’t a simple thing you can wrap in a box and label it. It’s this wide web of uncomfortable things, strung in with things you’ve always taken for granted. It’s joy, and hope. It’s misery and hardship. It’s the easiest thing you’ll ever learn, yet the hardest thing to understand. It’s the encompass of every feeling, and the ability to feel them all. It’s the children’s drawing of a rainbow in the darkest cave. It’s the dark mold on the brightest yellow wallpaper. It’s the spider climbing up the drain in hopes to see the sun.
To hold Lily Evans like this.
This is what it means to love.
---
After her last N.E.W.T.s, Lily walks into the dorm like the walking dead. Her head is a mess. She almost doesn’t notice the fact that Mary shoved something behind her, and turned around as soon as Lily came in. It didn’t escape her notice that Mary was hiding whatever it was from her point of view.
“How’d it go?” Mary says, and suddenly, she’s standing right in front of Lily. Lily tries, feebly, to see what Mary had stashed around her. Mary holds her face in her hands and she crumbles. Her head sinks into Mary’s shoulder, tears flowing out. The longstanding pressure, and anxiety washed away and replaced with unbridled, unconditional relief. Relief to be back in Mary’s arms. Relief to be finally done the most important exams of her life. Relief to not have to study this hard, ever, in her life again. Relief to be inhaling on cherries, again. Relieved to be home.
“I love you,” Lily whispers.
“I take it, you did well?” Lily can hear the grin in her voice.
“I hope,” is all Lily can give her. She can hear the hope in her voice, unconfined and there. The loudest feeling she’s had in a while. “What were you doing?” She asks, in hopes of getting an explanation of some sort. The same thing happened yesterday, when Lily walked in groggily after falling asleep in the common room. Mary jumped, shoving things away before Lily could even glimpse at what they were. Lily had no idea what Mary was doing, and she didn’t like that this seemed to be a secret. She’d asked the same question yesterday, only to receive a shrug as an answer as Mary rushed out of the dorm with the bag and the stashed somethings.
Mary shrugs. “Nothing as important as this.”
What is she hiding?
Lily knows when Mary controls her voice like this she’s hiding something. She thought they established that they don’t hide things from each other anymore. They love each other. They’re in love. They’re girlfriends. They don’t hide things from each other, they talk it out, they kiss it out. They do something about it together.
Lily didn’t like that Mary seemed to be doing something on her own and didn’t plan on letting Lily in on it.
What was so important to Mary that she couldn’t tell Lily about it?
Lily sighs, dropping the subject. “How did your N.E.W.T.s go?” Mary finished hers 2 days ago, having picked up less electives than Lily.
Mary shrugged again. “Good, I hope.”
~
Lily woke groggily, blinking in the sudden coolness blanketing her. She rolled around. The warmth disappeared, leaving a shell of cold. There were no warm arms at her waist. She blinked again.
She woke up alone.
Life loves its laughs. She can feel the gods above laughing at her already, and she flunks herself down again, mortified.
What did this mean?
She’d never slept in the same bed as Mary—when she was sober, at least. Maybe she scared her away? They hadn’t slept in the same bed for a week, not wanting their friends to think they were shagging.
It didn’t make sense. Mary had already told her she loved her. Did she finally realize what it really meant to love Lily and decided to run? Lily doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get up, nor try to again. She sinks into the mattress, hoping to get swallowed and eaten wholly by it. She squeezes her eyes shut, pinching herself. It’s a nightmare. That’s the only explanation. This is a nightmare, and all Lily has to do is wake up from it. She leaves her arm with a blooming bruise. She doesn’t move a muscle after that. She wants to, sure, but nothing in her has the will to.
Mary finally left.
Without a word.
That’s it.
It’s the end.
Lily never liked to think of herself as dramatic, but it was love, wasn’t it? Love was dramatic, with all its flash and flare. It was also quiet and kept to itself with quiet contemplation. She doesn’t think she’ll ever understand, or even begin to understand love.
She’d seen the times she came into a room and Mary shoved a bunch of papers behind her. What was she hiding? Why wouldn’t she tell Lily? Had she done something wrong? It had been a whole week since they’d both said ‘I love you’ for the first time, and Lily doesn’t think a moment passed that they didn’t say it again, and again. Lily thought she’d say it until she got sick of it. She thought she had time.
Had Mary already found someone else? What did that mean for her? Why was Mary being so secretive? She doesn’t understand what she did wrong.
Why would Mary leave her? Had she done something?
What is she hiding?
Is she seeing another girl? Or boy?
She doesn’t need you anymore.
Lily doesn’t understand. She can’t wrap her head around it.
I love you, Lily screams, her mouth not forming the words.
Was I too much?
Or too little?
She sorts through every interaction. Mary never seemed to mind that she was always teetering towards either one, or never just enough. Mary never seemed to mind those days where Lily could talk for hours on end, and she never minded those days where Lily didn’t really speak at all. So, what does this mean? What had happened? Had Lily done something, and she’d missed it? How could she have been so stupid?
I should know.
I don’t know.
Her little hurricane is interrupted by someone opening the curtains so sunlight splashes Lily’s face, making her face scrunch. She doesn’t know who’s standing there. She doesn’t like that they interrupted her.
“What?” She snaps, her voice crackling like firewood.
“I brought you tea.” Mary’s voice. Her heart clamours in her chest. Did that mean Mary didn’t leave? Was Mary staying? Lily’s eyes snap open, and sure enough, it’s Mary.
Lily nurses the cup of tea feeling foolish.
“Good morning,” Mary says, sitting down beside her. She threads her hands together, then reached for Lily’s and squeezed it as soon as Lily reached towards her.
“Morning,” Lily said, still in a state.
“Are you alright?” Mary asks, turning a cautious eye towards Lily.
Lily shrugs, staring into her mug. Mary made it just how she likes. She doesn’t remember how Mary likes her tea. Mary doesn’t like tea. Lily feels rather foolish for thinking Mary left when she just went to do something nice for her.
Mary continues to—well, Lily isn’t sure what Mary’s doing. It could be considered staring, except there’s this softness in Mary’s eyes that makes her skin crawl. Does she deserve it? Mary looks, and she doesn’t look away. She has this awestruck look in her eyes like a child, as if Lily were a wonderful thing to set eyes upon. She shifts uncomfortably. Mary looks cleaned up, like she woke hours before Lily did. Her cherry scent was stronger than ever. Lily wants to breathe it in forever. Lily couldn’t help but sink into the mattress even more. Her hair was a mess, she could feel parts sticking out in silly ways. Her face was slobbered in drool, and she didn’t smell nice. She didn’t look nice. Lily doesn’t understand what Mary’s looking at.
What does she see that I don’t?
“What time is it?” Lily’s voice sounds steadier, more normal after a few sips of tea. She avoids the pounding question.
You’re not leaving me, right?
It’s so, so childish.
She can’t let it go.
“Half past twelve.” Mary smiles lopsidedly. It makes Lily’s heart do funny things, and short circuits her lungs. “You slept like a baby.”
Lily can’t help the tiny smile that creeps onto her face. “And you? When did you wake up?”
“Only a bit before you, darling.”
Lily’s stomach does a swoop thing. It goes round and round. “Really?”
“Mhm.”
Now, Lily’s looking, and looking. She can’t help but devour every part of Mary that she sees. It seems like a common theme with Mary. Whenever Mary’s around, Lily becomes this selfish person that only wants her for herself. It’s ravenous. It’s contagious. It’s consuming. It’s…love.
“I…I wanted to ask you about something.” She goes back to wringing her hands.
Lily freezes, afraid of what Mary might say next.
What?
Is it-
“Would you move in with me?” Mary isn’t meeting her eyes.
“You’re not—you’re not leaving me?” She asks, her relief is obvious. Mary’s not leaving her. All that moping and worrying for this.
“What? No!” Mary exclaims.
“You left early this morning. You never leave the bed before me,” Lily accused. “There was no note, nothing.”
Mary pinches the ridge of her nose. “Right. I should’ve known that was the first thing your mind would skip to.”
“What does that mean?” Lily asks defensively.
“Nothing, nothing.” Mary holds her hands up in surrender. “I—I didn’t know how to ask you. I was going to set up a picnic and everything, but—”
Lily reached for Mary’s hands. “Hey. Of course, I’ll live with you.” She pauses. “Did you already pick out a flat?”
Is this the secret she’s been keeping?
“Well…I was looking at a few and I wanted to ask you before I made any arrangements,” Mary said, relieved.
“Well?” Lily tucks her feet in, straightening.
Mary blinks. “Well, what?”
“What are the options?” Lily asks, grinning. She’s trying to keep the happiness inside of her from bursting.
I’m going to live with Mary.
Mary wants to live with me
Forever.
Mary grins widely, laughing breathlessly. She pressed her lips against Lily’s. It wasn’t exactly a kiss, both of them grinning too widely for it, but it was close enough. It made Lily’s insides want to burst.
“I love you,” Lily whispers, just like the first time.
“I love you.” Mary’s nose scrunches in the adorable way it does. Mary leans in to kiss her again, and it feels like coming home.
That day, when Lily gets up, she doesn’t hate the girl in the mirror so much.
You’re going to be okay, she says.
I’m going to be okay.
THE END