Chapter Text
Draco had his head resting on Pansy’s lap, indulging in the gentle strokes of her fingers through his soft blond hair. He had taken to daydreaming the days away, trying to avoid confronting his emotions and wallowing in his pain. Yet, daydreaming hadn’t proven to alleviate his sorrow. Instead, his dreams were filled with scenes of a promised forever with a dark-haired, green-eyed man who had broken his heart to begin with.
Draco always dreamt of the same thing.
He had wanted a winter wedding, where the cold would nip at their noses, but nothing would matter as long as they were beside each other. Draco hated the weakness of his heart, always yearning for sappy, romantic moments. It meant that he was forever hoping for a fairytale he didn’t deserve.
He imagined the French Alps as the backdrop to their outdoor wedding, taking place at the isolated Malfoy Château in Chambéry, with its stunning view of the snowy mountains and the frozen Chambéry valley. The freezing temperatures would be subdued by a warmth shield, allowing them to remain comfortable while still showcasing nature’s beauty.
He dreamt of enchanted snowflakes twinkling around him as he walked toward Harry at the altar. The altar itself would be decorated with simple white carnations, white lilies, and baby’s breath, falling from white marble archways that framed the panoramic view of the mountains and valley below. The green leaves of the flowers would poke through the sides, creating an elegant contrast against the white arch. White snapdragons and white lilies would line the marble pathway leading to the altar.
Draco had even started searching for the perfect robes, though his eyes kept gravitating toward Muggle suits. There was one in particular—a white ivory suit that fit perfectly at the waist, accentuating lean shoulders, with trousers that flared at the bottom. The suit would be paired with a long silk ivory scarf, draped over one shoulder, wrapped around the waist, and cascading to the floor. Clean pleats formed at the top of the shoulder, where the scarf hung delicately. Draco had fallen in love with the Muggle design. He had saved clippings of the attire, hoping one day to wear it.
Breaking Draco from his daydream, Pansy’s voice cut through the haze of his thoughts. “Are you planning to cut your hair any time soon? It’s past your ears now, and you’ve never let it grow this long before.” Draco’s hair was noticeably longer than usual, but not so long that his mother would notice or raise concern.
'I like that I can tuck it behind my ears,' Draco replied, keeping his eyes closed as Pansy carefully tucked a loose strand of hair behind his ear. 'Mother never let me grow it out too much in the past. She said long hair would encourage terrible stress habits.'
Pansy smiled softly. 'Your mother was always one to worry about your stress habits.' She moved another strand of hair from Draco’s forehead, her fingers lingering a moment longer than necessary.
'Yes, well, I tend to express myself a bit more than the usual Malfoy or Black heir is expected to,' Draco scoffed.
'Blaise should be here any minute now. I wonder if he's still chasing after the red-headed buffoon, or if he's as lovesick as he was in eighth year. Ridiculous, the pair of you, falling in love with a bunch of spineless knobheads,' Draco rolled his eyes. 'Then again, why state the obvious?' Pansy smirked, noting Draco's annoyance.
'Thank you, Pansy, I'm glad to hear your input on my love life. Remind me again, who did I see you with last night?' Blaise's voice travelled through the room, causing both Draco and Pansy to snap their heads around.
Pansy sneered. 'Shut it, Blaise. No need for gossip, seeing as your rendezvous with the Weasel is going to shit.'
'Darling, no need to be vulgar,' Blaise smiled at Pansy.
'Who were you with last night?' Draco raised an eyebrow at Pansy, yet she refused to meet his gaze. 'What did I miss?'
'Oh, nothing. Pansy just decided to straddle the legs of a dashing Gryffindor in the club. You’d know if you’d joined us last night instead of wallowing away,' Blaise replied quickly.
Pansy looked ready to hex Blaise’s bollocks off and make him taste flobberworm slime every time he ate for the next month. Pansy’s range of hexes was absolutely mortifying.
'I was not wallowing.' Draco made a mental note to question which Gryffindor had managed to catch Pansy’s attention long enough. 'I was actually having a conversation with your Weasley.'
Blaise’s eyebrows furrowed. 'What did he want with you?'
'Oh the usual. Telling me what a horrible wizard I am and that I deserve to rot in Azkaban. He did apologise for causing Harry to leave me, which is quite presumptuous. Even gave me my own Weasley sweater' Draco lightly laughed at the absurdity of their interaction.
'Huh, who would have thought the stubborn coward was capable of apologising? Blaise, do you think you're next?' Pansy questioned.
She truly hated that freckled disaster of a wizard. Well, she would hate him less if he weren't so shit at moving on from the war. She never thought they would be welcomed back with open arms and warm smiles, but the tosser sure knew how to hold a grudge.
'No. It's over. I refuse to do anything more' Blaise made it clear he wanted to avoid the topic of his relationship with Ron.
'I've done all that I could. He has my letters, and if he cannot make a move or dignify me with a response, I refuse do anything else'. Blaise hated losing control of situations, and that's all he's ever done with Ron.
'Seems reasonable' Pansy commented, 'What about you Draco? What's going on with Potterhead?'
'Don't start, Pansy' Draco stiffened.
'Oh, come on. I know he's been trying to get to you. He's been sending me letter after letter trying to see if I'll tell him anything. Of course I won't, but the joy it once brought me to seem him so desperate, is being to lessen and become replaced with annoyance. I swear that owl stares into my soul as I take the letter. It even has to watch me read the letter before leaving. I hate it. Stupid bird' Pansy huffed.
'Well, Harry's been sending me flowers—purple rose lilies and hyacinths to be exact. At one point he would stand outside the Manor's gates reading some of my favourite books, commenting on certain parts that may interest me. At first I wasn't aware of this, until I saw Tilby shooing him away under Mother's orders. He then sent me notes of his findings. He's been owling candy floss and little notes from Teddy with pictures of us together attached to the parchment' Draco sighed while shaking his head.
'What a manipulating bastard' Pansy scoffed.
'I just don't get it. He left me. He told ME that he couldn't love me anymore because it was exhausting. He told me that I wasn't enough for him,' Draco began laughing, but he felt the hot tears ready to roll down his flushed cheeks. He hated crying with a passion.
'I wasn't enough. I wasn't what he needed. It didn't matter what I did, or how I changed, it's obvious now that he needed someone that was not me', Draco muttered and looked away from Pansy and Blaise.
'Imagine that, I spent four years building a future with a man who I did not deserve. I should have known not to get too comfortable. Not to fall so deeply. But, I did anyways. Silly me.' Draco felt their pitying eyes on him. He hated it, he hated that the attention was brought back to him.
'Draco you deserve a man that loves your imperfections as much as he loves your beauty and quirks. Love isn't easy, it's filled with difficulties, but in the end it's worth it because you get to spend the rest of your time with someone who cares for you unconditionally,' Pansy grabbed Draco's hand, 'You deserve a love that's real and beautiful, not artificial and meaningless. Draco, you aren't perfect, but you're growing as a person and bettering yourself. That's what matters. You need to do things for yourself and fuck what Potter has to say, and fuck his attempts to win you back. You decide if you want him and only if you're ready. But for the love of Merlin heal yourself first because in the end you're stuck with yourself, and you deserve to love yourself fully.'
Pansy noticed the way Draco refused to look her in the eyes. She knew how much he hated being vulnerable with people. Draco hated showing his emotions, but the tightening grip Draco had over her hands proved to her that he was listening.
'I don't even know where to begin,' Draco let his eyes focus on the black tiled floors.
'Well, perhaps going to a mind healer would help.'
'I suppose that would be best,' Draco sighed.
Pansy groaned, 'Please never make me say something so sappy again. I love you, but sounding like a Hufflepuff's spoken word poetry is not in my blood.' She sent Draco a soft grin.
He knew it was time to heal and he knew where to begin.
~~~~~~~~~
Draco’s pale hand firmly knocked on the wooden door he has many times walked by alongside Harry, but never alone. It was always Harry’s soft cologne that calmed Draco’s ticks in moments of high anxiety. Draco never liked to admit his dependency on Harry, but it held true that Harry was his safe place. As Draco’s right index finger lightly tapped his right thigh, waiting for someone to answer, he imagined Molly knitting away in the sitting room.
Instead, the sound of frantic shuffling and objects falling met Draco’s ears.
'Blimey, I keep losing those knobby little things… Oh, I’ll be right there!' Hearing Mr. Weasley’s voice on the other side of the door made Draco’s heart race in fear.
It wasn’t that Mr. Weasley was cruel towards Draco, but rather the fact that he was indifferent towards him. Draco could handle cold words and snide remarks from Ronald and the Weaslette; however, the polite indifference from Mr. Weasley unsettled Draco. It reminded Draco that Mr. Weasley was very much a true pureblood knowing how to hide his displeasure with polite manners.
'Draco. What may I ask brings you here?' Mr. Weasley addresses Draco as the door opens wide, inviting the pale blond into the house.
'Do come in, don’t mind the mess I’ve been working on a muggle item, hoping to turn one of Fred’s designs into reality' Mr. Weasley smiled softened at the name of his lost boy.
Draco moved into the sitting room, noticing the various contraptions and sketches littering the table placed closely to the brown sofa.
'Mr. Weasley, I apologize for intruding, I was hoping to speak with Mrs. Weasley' Draco spoke directly to the older man.
‘Not to worry, Draco. Molly is currently tending to the tiger lily garden she has been busy maintaining. It's a reminder of our Fred, you see. Molly has started planting tiger lilies around his tomb… Her gardening was meant to help with the mourning, but it seems to have become more of an obsession,’ Mr. Weasley’s gaze remained on the window that looked out into the garden. A silence fell between the two.
‘I see,’ Draco noticed the man’s voice soften as he spoke of the garden. Draco hated the sickening feeling that settled in his stomach. It was his fault so much grief has been brought to the Weasley family, and he would have to live with that guilt forever. He didn’t deserve forgiveness.
‘I would like to–’
‘She sleeps by his grave sometimes. Molly says she feels closer to him that way.’ Mr. Weasley’s eyes continued to stare out the window as if following Mrs. Weasley’s every move.
‘Mr. Weasley, if I may?' Draco's words cut through the silence that fell between the two men.
'Yes, Draco?' Blue crystal eyes bore into Draco's own steel grey ones.
'I would like to apologise for my own doings that caused your family such pain and grief. I–' Draco began but was soon interrupted.
'There's no need. You were a lost boy, how much is there to blame over your misguided attempts to live up to your father's expectations.' Mr. Weasley looked at Draco firmly.
‘No matter my intentions, I cannot go in good conscience knowing that my actions, no matter how careless, have caused a lifetime of suffering and loss,' Draco felt his nail digging into his palm in anxiety.
'I am not arrogant enough to believe that I deserve forgiveness, but I would like to express my deepest regrets in partaking in the destruction of wizarding society due to my own ill prejudices,' Draco kept his head held high.
'It was my actions that facilitated the overtaking of Hogwarts which led to bloodshed and that will forever be on my conscience. I regret my actions, disparaging words and ideologies at the time, and my late words of regret and remorse. Mr. Weasley, you deserve to have your family together and rejoicing, not mourning. I cannot put into words how much regret I hold,’ Draco looked down feeling the weight of his words.
It was the laughter coming from Mr.Weasley that shocked Draco, ‘Ha, now that coming from a Malfoy was not what I was expecting. Your empathy speaks volumes of how much you have changed, my boy. I won’t deny that I was disappointed and sceptical with Harry’s decision in choosing you as a partner, but you're different from what I imagined you would be. You are still that scared boy hoping to impress, but you gained a sense of compassion and control that I’m glad to see.’
Mr. Weasley stared into Draco’s eyes as the following words were said, ‘My family is mourning, and will forever mourn as anyone who lost their loved ones would, but soon enough it will look differently than how it is now. It will look like small gatherings around the dinner table speaking fondly of past memories, laughing at old stories. It will be the smell of oranges that remind us of Fred’s favourite fruit. It will be during the oddest of moments that a scent so faint will remind us of the smell of his hair or of his cologne. It will be through dreams that we have in which he will visit us. But instead of crying in anguish or pain; there will be soft smiles, tears of love, and maybe even the softest of tugs in our hearts. I know I will find my lost boy, it will just take time, and I am okay with that. The joy of life is that we are able to feel every emotion and still move forward and create new ones. Draco, you aren’t to blame for the war. You may have aided in significant ways, but the blame will always fall upon the evil minds and dark hearts of those who enjoyed causing people pain in the name of progress. I have forgiven you for your ignorance towards my family long ago. You were just a boy who had lost his way, and you are finding it now. Do remember that’ Mr. Weasley’s callused hands lightly tightened over Draco’s shoulder.
Draco hated that Mr. Weasley was able to extend such grace towards Draco, a person that has been nothing but cruel and arrogant towards his family.
Draco sat silently, trying to come up with how to respond, but truthfully there was nothing he could say.
How could Draco explain to Mr. Weasley that he was wrong, that Draco deserved nothing but anger from their family. Draco had hoped that after the war people would move forward, but he never expected to be forgiven or graced with such acceptance.
‘Thank you, Mr. Weasley. Although I cannot agree with your words about my blame in the war, I do appreciate your forgiveness and attitude towards me being here.’
‘Yes, well, I thought it best to move forward now rather than later. Molly’s taught me a whole lot of things these past few years. It’s getting quite dark out, I best go get Molly from the gardens.’ Mr. Weasley moved towards the kitchen door heading outside.
‘You know your way out, don’t you?’ Draco nodded his head, standing and moving towards the front door.
‘Thank you again, Mr. Weasley. And please do tell Mrs. Weasley I would love to speak with her one of these days’ Draco moved his hands to his sides.
‘Will do. Now, on you go. Do tell Harry we say hello’ the kitchen door slammed behind Mr. Weasley before Draco had time to respond.
It seems that Mr. Weasley was unaware of Harry’s separation from Draco.
Draco stared at the kitchen door, ‘Will do, sir.’
Draco’s heart ached as he said the words. He knew that he would not be seeing Harry, Draco needed to sort himself out before trying to converse with said wizard again.