Chapter Text
They arrived late at night, the thick layer of dust on all surfaces in their marital home indicating Kaidan hadn’t been there for a very long time. After her death, it took him months to drag himself away and back to work, then found he couldn’t face returning without her. Eris squeezed his hand tightly, grateful that he hadn’t packed away any of their former life.
He whispered her name, his hand wandering under her vest to roll a nipple. He rarely woke before her and in his half-asleep, fully aroused state, decided to take advantage, mouthing at that spot under her ear.
“Kaidan,” she sighed as he drew her leg back over his and languidly rocked into her from behind, arm tightening around her neck to keep her back flush with his chest. His fingers spread the slick between her thighs and circled her clit in feather light touches.
Later, she was momentarily confused by the weight on her arm, and cracked open an eye open, realising she was home. That it was her husband pressed up against her, his sticky spend between her legs. Life began feeling like her own again, and she pressed a kiss into the snoring man’s salt and pepper hair.
Boredom was a luxury she didn’t want and could ill afford. The only way to stave it off was with routine. Wake, shower, get dressed. Eating breakfast was relatively new, something she’d only done since Project Lazarus. But under house arrest, Eris was getting doughy, so she stuck with porridge and her usual black coffee with no sugar.
By the time she’d finished, the doom thoughts of not winning a damn thing with her sitting on the sidelines would start, and she wanted more than anything for that to be not true. That’s when she would launch the terminal in the corner and work remotely with Kaidan’s grandpa for a few hours.
Accepting that she could play no part in the upcoming lack of preparations for the war was soothed only by being able to pick up where she left off with this particular project.
Finding herself ravenous an hour later, she stood in front of the fridge, pulling out deli meats and cheese to make a sandwich, musing that all she’d known before was that she was working on one tiny part of a massive project with many moving parts, with every species in the Galaxy involved.
She hadn’t cared to know more than that. But now? The scope of the project was enormous. Knowing that some of them would get out alive soothed her further.
It was almost like before, before Eden Prime, before Alchera, before Aratoht. But even in quiet moments with Eris, there was a marked change in her demeanour, a sense of preoccupation. Introspection was his thing, whereas she voiced her every thought with no filter, and it concerned him.
The dagger hairpin span around and around in her fingers, as she attempted to grab hold of a memory that remained on the periphery of her mind, teasing her. “Details are important. And I overlooked one, at least. Maybe more. Possibly several.”
Kaidan paused, wiping the sweat from his brow. As his gaze wandered over to her sitting on the tyre swing, her toes grazing the grass. He raised an eyebrow at the haphazardly fastened flannel shirt. “Is that another of mine?
He hadn’t bothered questioning how Eris managed to have them return home to their cabin as part of their ‘punishment’, feeling it was only a fraction of what Hackett owed her.
And not just for the thirty-something years of pretending she didn’t exist, that she wasn’t his child, or actively making her life worse.
She glanced at him through crooked glasses. “Is that a complaint I hear?”
Assuming either of them returned to active duty before they were obliterated, enough terrible things were coming their way without questioning every order she - and, more importantly - her husband - were given.
Hackett sent her there to be indoctrinated and die, it was impossible to know if he knew about the Alpha Relay beforehand, or if he himself was indoctrinated. She’d killed Hackett over and over again in her head in increasingly creative ways. It became abundantly clear that he, and perhaps others in the Alliance, were terrified of her now.
He dropped the axe and moved over to her, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Never.”
“Oh,” she smirked, tossing the book down and standing up. “I suppose I won’t take it off, then.”
But Eris stopped unbuttoning when thunder rumbled overhead, immediately followed by a torrential downpour slamming down on them.
While he dashed to get the wood inside, she threw her face up and dug her toes into the mud. He stood under the shelter of the porch, watching in affectionate amusement as her red curls became soaked and hung heavily in waves.
She murmured. “It’s been so long since I felt the rain.”
Deep puddles formed on the deck, and Eris wore a mischievous grin as she approached. She kicked it at him, rapidly repeated the motion before cackling wildly and tearing off across the orchard.
She momentarily glanced back, face partly obscured by strands of wet, copper hair, to see if she had provoked him into pursuing her.
She had.
He noticed another change in her later that week when, yet again, he managed to get out of bed and shower without disturbing her. In the last thirteen - or was it eleven - years, he’d shared a bed with her on and off; she slept lightly, and not for long.
Even in sleep, Eris was chaos. Tousled copper waves flow over the crisp white bedding, an arm obscuring her face, another wrapped around a pillow. A bare leg bent over the blanket, the other tangled in it.
Kaidan sat beside her, brushing strands of hair from her face. When she woke, he smiled at her sleepy bewilderment. “Traditionally, you open it.”
He knew birthdays were just another arbitrary measurement of days and years that held no real significance for Eris, but he was determined to celebrate everything he could with her.
She couldn’t bring herself to ask: how does ageing work when one spent two years in a vat being reconstructed? They shared a long moment of wordless understanding; they knew better than anyone they were merely a collection of atoms, bound for a little while before being rearranged once again.
His laugh was a deep rumble as she tore into the wrapping.
After he took a shower, he heard his wife humming in the kitchen as she finished the dinner prep for that evening. He walked through, wrapped in just a towel.
Admiring the much broader line of Kaidan’s shoulders, Eris wandered after him, sighing softly at the rippling movement when he reached back for her hand.
In their bedroom, he drew her to him. Her death was filled with so much wasted time and regret it damn near swallowed him whole. With a raw ache in his voice, he said. “I love the way you do that.”
She looked up at him, her fingers twirling gently in his thick, dark chest hair for another moment. His wet hair curled a little at the ends, and she reached up to scrunch it, then traced the line of his jaw with her fingertip. “Do what?”
There were so many unresolved things between them, but he didn’t care. Every second of the past two years without her passed slowly, feeling like countless tiny cuts, and he hadn’t drawn breath without thinking of her. “Exist.”
Later that evening, Kaidan gave her a look. One that said you’re being deliberately cruel, now. He withdrew his hand from the empty glass, shifting it to his thigh to adjust himself, and brushed her foot away in the process.
The corner of her mouth twitched as she slipped it back into her high heel and stood up to make him another drink.
When she put the refill down in front of him, he gripped her wrist and whispered that if she did that again, it would result in him pinning her to the nearest wall to fuck her so deeply she’d never get him out. Regardless of their present company.
She raised an eyebrow. “Oh dear, that hardly constitutes a threat, does it?”
Whilst Eris cleared the plates, his fingers fiddled with the cuffs of his sleeves as he rolled them up to his elbows. Then he sat back, threw an arm over the empty chair next to him, and waited.
When she returned, she caught his eye and gave him a look. His favourite look of hers, an unsettling promise that she intended to be trouble, and it made his hard cock twitch.
She turned the music up, swaying slowly and clumsily in their lounge, lost in the rhythm of the low music, with none of the usual self-conscious inhibition. He wrapped an arm around her waist, fingers splayed on the delicate lace of her dress. Her hand reached up to the back of his neck, and he laughed when she said to watch his toes.
Once they were alone, Kaidan’s fingers settled on toying with the clips that held her seamed stockings up, watching as Eris rutted her scorching wet cunt on his thigh and worked herself into a sweaty, panting mess. When she gave him demanding kisses, he fisted her hair, holding her still and murmured against her mouth. “You’re a desperate little thing tonight, aren’t you?”
Revelling in inciting the beast he’d kept so neatly wrapped all evening, she retorted. “Well, don’t stand on ceremony.”
Her nails clung to the back of his neck like he was the only thing anchoring her to this plane of reality. He trailed kisses down to her heaving breasts, but the sound of her need and the scent of her sweat overwhelmed him after keeping his hands off her for the last four hours. His hands gripped her waist, effortlessly lifting her - augmentations and all - and carried her to their bed.
He felt like a drunk, sweaty Hanar trying to undress her; his entire focus had narrowed down to the desperate desire to get lost in her. Eventually, he managed it, leaving her stockings and heels untouched. Eris smirked from where she lay on the bed, eyes all faux innocence as she watched him fumble with the buttons of his shirt.
In response, he pushed her hands above her head, and she flung her leg over his shoulder. He gave open-mouthed kisses that travelled along the length of her body, going from her collarbone, between the valley of her breasts, descending her stomach, and finally pausing at the insides of her thighs. She huffed at his fingers trailing over her hips as he considered.
A smirk crossed Kaidan’s face, and he raised an eyebrow at her, then retrieved several items from the wardrobe, making it clear she would have to fuck him before getting a damn thing.
Eris slicked her fingers with lube whilst he placed a pillow under his hips. A hot fingertip pressed against his hole, lube trickling down his taint as she circled. He arched his back, spreading his thighs wider as she pushed a wet, rough finger into him and leaned over him. Her skin was damp with sweat, and he took a salty nipple into his mouth, teasing with his teeth, hissing when another finger pressed into him.
She purred into his ear. “Oh, hush.” He gasped when she made a come-hither motion with her fingers and flared. “I rather think you’re the desperate one. Look how greedy you are.”
His face burned at the way she could both arouse and humiliate him, breath hitching in his throat as she added another finger, the stretch making him squirm underneath her. Her lips moved over his neck, leaving hot, wet kisses that had him choking out. “You have no idea.”
An inhuman, throaty growl escaped him and he bucked against her hand to drive her slender fingers in deeper. Her hand pushed down his stomach as she moved, rutting her soaked, bare cunt over his muscled thigh, taking herself to the edge again. He made low, strung-out groans when she dipped, lapping at the tip of his cock and fucking him open with her fingers.
Then, for a moment, there was nothing but the cold air hitting his skin, and he felt bereft.
She shifted their position and, unable to bear even a brief loss of contact with him, she smothered his body like a pale mist. It had been so long that Kaidan almost didn’t know where to look; she solved that for him by gripping his throat and directing his gaze to her as she slowly penetrated him.
So dainty, compared to him; but she was painfully aware she could break him, and not in the fun, hurts in all the right places way. The fingernails of one hand dug into his hip to hold him down.
When she hilted, he moved with her; Eris was the only thing holding him together and tearing him apart all at once. She was usually mouthy but tonight she suffocated him with her mostly silent gaze, punctuated only by her breathy moans as her hips moved, fucking him at a slick crawl. Each thrust came with a fast, dirty twist of her hips as she bottomed out.
There would be no making him scream and fucking him into the bed tonight; his whining as she went achingly slow, circling deep, went straight to her cunt. He was bulkier now, and the muscles of his stomach and thighs were taut, ready to snap as he moved with her.
One hand let go and danced lightly, moving to where they were joined. Kaidan made a startled, stuttered curse of her name. She murmured about how well he was taking her and how fucking delicious it was to feel his ass spread so wide and speared onto her.
He never had much to begin with when it came to her, but he lost all resolve, pleading. “Eris, please!”
Meeting his molten brown gaze, she took pityon him. With an arm wrapped around the inside of his knee, she pulled him closer. Grappling him now is hardly strenuous, but, fuck, her rhythm was off because she’d been a brat all evening and absolutely must not come.
She whispered. “There you go.” Her voice, a mix of patience, coaxing, and unruffled confidence, made his moan rougher and more insistent.
Knowing the unpredictability came from a struggle to hold herself back, she had him on the edge with her. His aching cock smacked against his stomach with each thrust; she gripped it in a tight circle of her fingers around the base, leaning down into his fierce grasp, working him over and over.
Kaidan didn’t take it quietly and his loud broken groans make her pick up the pace.
He lurched hard as he came in a choking fucking mess. Her hand stayed there, feeling the glide as she fucked him through his whimpering, dragging his orgasm out as long as she could.
Collapsed on her back next to him, Eris ignored unpleasant throbbing in her cunt, knowing once he returned to himself he would bury his face there.
Each night, Kaidan wrapped his body around hers, pulling her back to his chest, gaze roaming as the fractured skin knitted itself back together.
It was a constantly moving map with ever-changing borders, but when his hand first discovered the swell of her breast, then the curve of her stomach, his heart rate sped up, and he swore he felt his pupils dilate.
But given her medical history - no womb, no danger of that. So it couldn’t be what he thought, and he said nothing.
She initially scoffed at the constantly niggling thought.
But Eris knew, had for quite some time. And with no real clue as to how far along she was, she became paralysed with the fear of confirming it. She did not take a test or call Chakwas. This was one of the more infrequent occurrences in her life, choosing not to find out, choosing silence, choosing inaction. The last thing she wanted to do was to cause him more pain. He’d suffered enough.
During the endless expanse of days, then weeks, her thoughts were bleak. There would be no happy ending; the only probable outcomes for this child were terrible or horrific. Which meant they’d be forced to make a choice. And so she convinced herself that this simply was not happening to her. As for what she wanted? Well, when had that ever been a factor in any decision she made?
It wasn’t until he came home from a meeting in Vancouver and followed the frail, frightened noise to the bathroom that he knew. As he stepped inside, the first thing he saw were bloody footprints. His eyes followed them and found her sitting on the floor with a thousand-yard stare.
She wouldn’t cry, didn’t deserve to feel this. What sort of wife was she, not telling her husband he’s a father until he isn’t? More evidence - if any was needed at this point - that she’s a terrible person and would make a worse mother.
Kaidan was somewhat accustomed to the sight of his wife covered in blood, but never like this, never with her catching sight of him, wailing “I’m sorry,” and then unleashing a torrent of sobs so loud they echoed around the tiled bathroom and rattled his bones.
He rushed over. “I’ve got you.” He cradled her tear-stained face in his hands. “I love you.” And then his arms are around her, lifting her into the car.
His voice turned hoarse with tears when Chakwas answered the call, explaining what they thought was happening and they’d be there in under five minutes. When your hysterical, bleeding wife is next to you, speed limits do not apply.
Eris gasped. “I’m lethal, even when I don’t mean to be.” He thought he’d had some idea of her internal monologue, but she choked out the most awful things about herself as he drove. Failing as a mother at the first hurdle, unable to keep her baby safe inside her own damn body, everyone looking to her to save their children when she couldn’t even keep her own alive.
None of it true, but of course he couldn’t say that, not here. Not now.
On the list of impossible things that could never happen to her, being pregnant was the most inconceivable, well above being brought back from the dead. Yet the image belied that belief. Contentment and happiness were nothing but illusory for her, as there was always a fresh horror lurking. Worse, she found herself feeling relieved that everything seemed fine.
His knowledge of her medical history meant the image could not be real, but then he remembered they’d rebuilt his wife from scratch using her DNA. The readouts confirmed no genetic anomalies, confirmed parentage and sex, but he hardly dared to believe that, given two biotic parents, plus whatever Cerberus did to her. His voice was thick as he asked Chakwas. “She’s perfect?”
Her eyes became unfocused as she stared at the screen; the idea of her creating life rather than destroying it was absurd, and she was only vaguely aware of the Doctor confirming that everything was, indeed, perfect, exactly as expected for fourteen weeks and two days along, that sometimes these things happen.
When all she wanted to do was throttle Lawson for failing to mention this rather pertinent piece of information, the unbridled joy on Kaidan’s face when he turned to look at her only made her feel more wretched. Chakwas, who stated there were options, thrust pamphlets into her hand.
Her eyes regained their glass green a few weeks ago now, but they cut him, weighing and calculating the situation. He could feel the fear simmering and moving inside her, so before any red could return, he clasped her tighter and rubbed his stubbled jaw against her temple. “I’ve got you, Eris. I’ve got you both.”
When she looked up at him, her throat closed in panic, leaving her unable to speak. Her eyes said they would discuss this further at home, whereas the tense shoulders and shake of his head said there was no further discussion to be had. Like Hell would he allow her to reduce their child to a bunch of numbers to be used in her ruthless calculus.