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“Mental health isn’t a battle to be won, it is a journey to continue walking.”
-Lindsay Adkinson
Some would say they never saw it coming.
They never saw any signs. He seemed fine. Yeah, he was going through a lot, learning about his brother he never knew he had. His brother who had died when he was only a baby.
And he thinks as he’s sitting on the bridge he always came to as a teen, it’s okay because maybe he never wanted them to see. And isn’t it funny how he always ends up back here, on this bridge, in this town? No matter how far he runs, he ends up back here, looking down at the rapids.
After every fight with his parents, or when they would look right through him, he’d come here. It wasn’t because he wanted to jump, not really. But because it made him feel like he had a way out. When he felt like he’d never escape, he’d sit here, knowing he had a choice. He didn’t need to fall into the water, he just needed to know he had a choice because everything else felt so out of control. He couldn’t make his parents love him, or even see him, but he could let go if he wanted to. He never did. Now Buck thought maybe he would.
He gave Bobby his favorite cooking equipment. He knew how much Bobby loved to cook, he also knew Bobby had enough of anything he’d need in the kitchen. Nevertheless, he wanted Bobby to have something of his.
Bobby was a tad confused, but gratefully accepted the gift anyway. He assumed Bobby thought it was an early birthday gift since his birthday was coming up, not knowing they were Buck’s favorites. Because who would really know such little details about him, except maybe Maddie. Or Eddie. That's why he planned to gift them last, not wanting to draw any suspicion.
Buck gave Chim the movie Chimney, Albert, and he would always watch together when he came over to the loft. It was a CD, Chimney always said movies were better that way. He didn’t really understand, but it was Chimney. He made the excuse that he wouldn’t have much time to come over and watch it anymore once the baby was here.
That was one of the things that held him back for the longest time; He’d never get to meet his niece. Though, he knew she’d be better off never knowing him.
He only existed because of his brother, he only existed because of sickness and death. And wasn’t that ironic? Death followed him like it was a dog he pulled around on a leash. Though that would imply he could let go. But he could change things. He could hang himself with that leash.
He gave Hen one of his books. He had a collection of books on a wide array of topics and they all meant a great deal to him. He found comfort in learning new things.
It was a book on medical facts. He knew she was thinking about becoming a doctor. And yeah, she probably already knew everything that book would attempt to teach her, but it showed he supported her and he wanted her to hold onto that after he was, well if things go the way he plans.
She hugged him and said she was glad she had him. That night he went home and cried tears he didn’t think he had left.
He wrote Maddie a letter. Not the type of letter you might think. It wasn’t a suicide letter, not technically. He included a picture of him, just like he would always have in the letters he sent her, Though this time, it wasn't just a picture of him, but a picture of Maddie and him together.
Beside it, he wrote,
In California, I found my family, and I found you. I’ll forever be thankful for that. Love, Buck.
He knows how much of a red flag this would raise. Maddie would most definitely hunt him down as soon as she read it. So he decided to wait until the day he left town to leave it in her mailbox.
Eddie is the toughest person to think of a gift for. He knew he wanted to leave something behind for everyone, especially Eddie. He wanted them to have something to comfort them for when he was gone. Buck isn’t stupid, he knows they care, he just doesn’t feel they should waste it on him. He knows they will be sad, devastated maybe. He hates himself even more for that. Nevertheless, he knows they will move on and will be better off for it. He just wants to help make it easier, he knows if he lost someone close to him, he’d want something to hold onto of there’s. He just hopes they will understand.
He feels so much for Eddie, which is what makes this so difficult. How can one gift say all the things he wants to say?
In the end, he gives Eddie a Polaroid picture. It’s a picture he took of Eddie, Chris, and himself after Eddie gifted him a Polaroid their second Christmas as friends, no best friends. He gave it to Buck on Christmas Eve, knowing Buck would want to take pictures with it when they went out that day since they wouldn’t see each other on Christmas.
In the picture, they were in the middle of baking Christmas cookies and Eddie had flour on his nose. Christopher had the biggest smile on his face, staring at his dad who was unaware of why they were laughing at him. The confusion on Eddie’s face was clear even in the photo and the joy on all their faces was even more transparent.
The photo was tucked into an envelope along with a letter. He had so much he wanted to say and as much as he wished he could talk to Eddie face to face, it would raise too many alarms. Sirens he couldn’t afford to blare.
He loved his family so much, that’s why he had to do this. That was the reason. Or maybe if he was being honest…
It was the excuse.
Dragging his feet he trudged up to his front door, pulling out his keys. He unlocked the door and pulled it open. Once he was inside, he shut it rather loudly. Chris was at a sleepover with one of his friends so he didn’t need to worry about being quiet in the late hours of the night. He drops his bag onto the floor by the door, with a thump.
He just worked a 24-hour shift and his arms felt like jello, and he thinks his legs might give out at any moment.
The house is dark, but he knows the place like the back of his hand. He makes his way to his kitchen in the dark, not bumping into anything on the way. Once he’s there he feels for the light switch, flipping it on. The first thing he notices isn’t his messy counter, Which wasn’t really messy, Buck had cleaned it 2 days ago without being asked (which is just so Buck), but an envelope. There was no name or address or well anything to suggest who it was from or what could be inside. But someone who could get inside his house had to have left it. Maybe it was from Carla. The other option was Buck.
Picking it up he hesitates for a moment before opening it, ever so carefully. Buck had once scolded him for the way he opened mail, so haphazardly. For some reason, it had changed how he opened things from then on.
Inside was what looked like the top of a Polaroid picture and a piece of folded-up paper.
He pulled both items out of the envelope and immediately he recognized the photo.
Buck had taken it while Chris and them two were baking Christmas cookies with the Polaroid he gave him for Christmas.
A terrible feeling rushed over him. He dropped the photo on the counter, then unfolded the paper with far less care than he had opened the envelope.
I have so much I want to say, but I know you don’t like reading novels. So, I’ll try my best to summarize.
I remember when I first met you, I didn’t like you. But I think you know that. Everyone thought it was because I was jealous, that’s what I told myself for the longest time too. The reality is I was terrified. The 118 had just started becoming a safe place for me, a family, even. I was terrified of letting someone new into it. But now…
Now I’m so glad I let go of that fear. Because I got to know you. I got to know Chris. I would never change that for the world.
I love you, Eddie. I love Chris. I love this family that I have, even if none of you are related to me by blood. And that’s what makes this hurt so fucking much.
Because it’s not enough. And I hate myself for it not being enough. I ask for too much and for that I’m sorry.
God, I’m sorry for so many things. I’m sorry for being an asshole to you those first days. I’m sorry for being so clingy all the time, even if I know you’d never complain. I’m sorry for losing Chris during the tsunami. I’m sorry for the lawsuit and not being there for you and Christopher because I was too wrapped up in my own shit. I’m sorry for even writing this letter.
But most of all, I’m sorry for existing.
I’m sorry for inserting myself into your life, into Chris’s life. I know you care about me, I just wish you knew how little I deserve it. How little I deserve you. You are the best person I know (next to Chris of course). I didn’t do anything to deserve you.
That’s why I have to do this. I know it won’t be easy. I know you’ll be hurt, angry even. And that’s okay, Hate me if it will make it easier.
God I love you guys so much, I’m so so sorry. Tell Christopher I love him.
I just want everyone to be happy and you can all have that if I just get this over with and let you all move on.
So I guess this is goodbye, Eddie…
He doesn’t think he’ll ever breathe again. He’s frozen in place, tears running nonstop down his face, the letter already having fallen to the floor.
The goodbye letter. The suicide letter. Is it a suicide letter, please God, don’t let it be a suicide letter.
He thinks it’s been an eternity when he finally breaks out of the trance. His breathing is still non-existent as he yanks his phone out of his pocket calling Buck, hoping with everything he has he picks up his phone.
Fuck. He doesn’t even know how long that letter has been there. Buck could be… No, he can’t think like that. For all he knows Buck is just going through some early mid-life crisis and will be back in a week like nothing happened.
The phone rings; no one picks up.
Buck hears sirens in the distance as he dangles his feat over the edge, hanging them over the unforgiving waters. They get closer and he wonders who could have seen him in the near pitch black. There’s a road nearby and a few cars have driven past. Maybe they aren’t coming for him, he hopes so at least.
He knows he’s putting it off, that he has to take the leap, literally, soon or he’ll back out.
Another minute goes by. The chill of the wind seeps into his skin even through the thick jacket. The sirens are closer now, he sees the light through the trees.
The fire truck turns into the little dirt road and stops, facing him. Next, an ambulance pulls to the side of the road off of where he and the fire truck are. He hears more sirens in the distance, must be a police car.
Someone steps out of the driver's seat. They walk closer to him slowly but not too close so as not to alarm him.
He can’t help but let out a laugh, the sound bitter in his ears.
“Turn off the sirens!” The man shouts. Probably the captain. Buck thinks.
Not even a second later the sirens are shut off and he can’t help but be a little thankful. It all reminds him of his family, making what he has to do, what he’s yet to do, even harder.
”Sir.” The man says, stepping a little closer. He’s still a good distance away.
”I know exactly what you’re going to say.” Buck shouts back, surprising himself a little.
”You do? You been through this before?”
”Sort of. On the other side. Though Athena normally does this part. Where’s the cop?”
”She’s running a bit behind. You’re a first responder?”
”It doesn’t matter.”
Now that the only sirens are the ones in the distance he hears how far they are. Definitely running behind.
”I think it does. What’s your name, son?”
“Buck.”
“We only have one firehouse here, you’re from out of town, Buck?”
”I know this tactic, getting me talking about myself, act like you give a shit about my life.” He lets out a frustrated breath. He doesn't have to listen to this. They can’t stop him if he just pushes himself forward. He looks over the edge again away from the firefighter. Quickly looking back to make sure he doesn’t try to sneak up on him.
“I’m not acting. When you’re on a call like this, do you care?”
”of course I d-“
”So you know I’m not acting. I care about what happens to every single person I help. And I’m sure you have people who care too. You mentioned an Athena?”
”My captain's wife, she’s a police Sergeant.”
”You’re close? You and your captain. You and Athena.”
”Yeah I guess, but it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter.” He stutters out.
The captain takes a few steps closer but stops when Buck shouts, “Stop! Just stop okay.”
“I’m stopping.” He says with his hands up in surrender.
There’s a moment of silence. The only sound was the sirens in the distance, slowly getting closer, and the trees rustling in the wind.
”Why here?”
”What do you mean?”
“Why this bridge, this town?”
Buck breathes heavily.
”I grew up here, used to come to this bridge a lot, back then.”
“You’ve come here before?”
He nods. “Long time ago.”
”Why’d you come back now?”
And isn’t that the million-dollar question. Why’d he come back? He’s always had a flair for the dramatics, it was his parent’s favorite thing to say about him. So yeah, why the hell did he come all the way back here. Deep down he knew why. A part of him wished he had gone through with it the last time he was here. This was how he made up for a lifetime of failures, a lifetime of hurt.
He doesn’t say any of that, instead, he just says, “I don’t know.”
” What are the names of the people on your team?”
He snaps his head back up having looked away at the rapids again.
”Why?”
”Sometimes we forget people care when things get dark.”
“I know they care! This isn’t about that.” He snaps.
”Then why?”
”They are better off!” He screams into the cold night air.
That’s why, it is. That’s all it is.
”That’s not a reason.”
”It is, it fucking is. Just leave me the fuck alone.” His chest burns and aches, from the way he’s breathing. Everything feels so overwhelming, he just wants it to be over.
”Why are you here?”
“I told you why!”
”No you didn’t.”
”Are you fucking deaf?” He says leaning a bit to hold his head tightly. He feels like his head is going to explode. He thinks it just might.
“You told me an excuse.” He notices the sirens again. He thinks he sees a police car parked a little ways behind the ambulance but it’s difficult to see through the trees.
”What do you want me to say?”
”I want you to tell me why.”
”Why the hell do you care?”
”I care because I know someone is waiting for you, someone who isn’t going to want some bullshit excuse if you jump off that bridge.”
He didn’t even notice the tears cascading down his face until now.
“I’m tired, okay. I’m tired of not being enough. I’m tired of fucking everything up. I’m fucking exhausted. I wasn’t enough for my parents. I wasn’t enough to save my brother. And I’m so scared I’m not enough for the family who has actually tried. I can’t- I can't keep feeling like this.” A heavy breath forces its way out of his lungs.
”You said you know they care.” The man pauses. A look of conviction on his face. “Buck, they care because you are enough. I may not know you, but I know that if you do this, they will never get to tell you. They will spend the rest of their lives knowing they never got to make you believe you were worth caring for. Trust me, Buck, they will not be better off for it.”
”How do you know all that?”
”Because I’ve been them. My daughter killed herself when she was 16. I never got over that.”
Buck doesn’t know what to say.
”I know you are tired. But if I could say one thing to my daughter now, I’d tell her she didn’t have to be strong. I’d tell her not to worry about what her feelings did to me. I’d tell her to let go of that load and let me hold it for her. But not to let go of all the good too. I’d tell her to lean on me so she could keep going. So that she could be strong again one day. That’s all your friends would want. They would never want this.”
“I don’t know how to let go of this weight.”
The firefighter begins to slowly move closer again, now only a few yards away. He seems like he expects Buck to protest. He doesn’t.
”You have to let people help you.”
He’s now sobbing with his feet still dangling over the edge. A new rush of fear washes over him, causing his heart to beat even more rapidly in his chest.
“Can you h-help me down?” He manages to ask through the choked sobs.
As he’s being escorted towards the ambulance he wonders if he made the right choice.
Buck was put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold so now he is sitting in a hospital room, on an uncomfortable bed, regretting every life choice he’s made up to this point.
He stares at the locker his phone resides in, it’s been buzzing nonstop, the metal of the locker amplifying what would be a quiet sound otherwise. He knows it’s his team or maybe just Eddie or Maddie, or both of them. He knows what they are thinking. He hates himself for worrying them and for doing this to them. That firefighter was right. It was an excuse and a selfish one at that.
That's why he finally pushes the covers off of himself and trudges to the locker.
The man in the corner snaps his head up, he has to have someone in his room at all times, looking at him suspiciously.
“I’m just getting my phone.”
”Finally.” The man scoffs, then returns to looking at his phone.
Buck sits on the bed, not laying back, and stares at the back of his phone case, too afraid to turn it over. He’s pulled out of his own head when the phone starts to buzz again. He finally flips it over to stare at the screen. Eddie’s name stares back at him.
He thinks he feels his heart skip a beat before he forces himself to answer the call.
”Eddie.” He barely whispers into the phone.
”Buck. Oh my god, Buck! Are you Okay? What the actual hell!” Eddie practically, no literary screams into the phone.
Bucks is taken back but figures he should answer before Eddie freaks out even more.
”I’m fine, Ed’s”
”You’re fine? Buck this is not fucking fine!” So much for not freaking out anymore.
”Eddi-“
”No, don’t Eddie me. I thought you were dead, I thou-“
”I’m not dead, I just… You don’t need to worry, okay.” Buck sighs, wishing more than anything he could take this all back.
You have to ask for help. The captain's words replay in his head.
”Buck, you left me a goodbye letter. You didn’t hurt yourse- you’re not hurt right?”
Buck takes a second to compose himself and he can practically hear Eddie having a heart attack through the phone.
”No, I'm not hurt.”
Not a second goes by before Eddie speaks again, “I’m coming to you, where are you?”
”That might take a while, Eddie.”
”What the hell does that mean? Where are you?”
He runs his hands through his hair pulling at the strands. “Hershey, Pennsylvania."
He hears Eddie take in a sharp breath of air. “Hershey?"
He nods forgetting Eddie can’t see him.
”Yeah.”
There’s a moment of silence as if Eddie has no idea what to say. He most likely doesn’t. He wouldn’t know what to say either if it was Eddie.
”Are you coming back?” Eddie sounds heartbroken which in turn breaks Buck's heart.
“Of course Eddie.” I almost didn’t. “I just can’t right now.”
”Why?”
”It’s a long story, Eddie.”
”Okay fine then answer something else. Was it a suicide letter?”
Eddie wasn’t necessarily shy with the way he worded things but he still didn’t expect him to be so blunt.
What the hell does he even say. Does he lie? If he lies he could probably get away with it, move on, and let everyone think this was just an early mid-life crisis or Buck being dramatic again. But what if he lied and it happened again. He knows if he doesn’t get help this will most likely, no it will happen again.
”I’m on 72-hour hold at a hospital in Hershey.”
Another sharp breath from the other side of the phone.
”So it was.”
Buck doesn’t say anything and his silence speaks for itself.
”Oh my god, Buck. I’m- I’m heading up there now.’
”Eddie you can’t, you have Chris and work.” Buck quickly protests.
“I’ll figure something out for Chris, and I don’t give a shit about work. I’m not leaving you up there alone after you… after you-“
”Eddie, I’m okay, I didn’t actually do anything.” He reassures, emphasizing okay.
”No, but you almost did and now you’re in the hospital. So don’t you dare tell me you’re okay.”
Buck knows there's nothing he can do or say to convince Eddie not to race up here.
”Okay just promise me you’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble because of me.”
”I promise, Evan. And I promise I’m going to knock some sense into your thick skull.”
He doesn’t know where the faint laugh comes from, but Eddie definitely has something to do with it.
The next morning, the nurse asks him if he’s up for a visitor. Next thing you know, Eddie appears in the doorway with a look on his face Buck wishes he never saw because he will never forget it. He looks exhausted, but mainly he just looks sad. Not the type of sadness where you have tears streaming down your face. The type of sadness, that weighs on you, that feels as if you are carrying a million tons on your back. Buck put that look on Eddie’s face.
”Eddie.”
The guy sitting in the corner who was assigned to watch him gets up and nods his head at Eddie before sliding out the door but not before saying, “Let someone know when you leave the room.”. He’s never felt so embarrassed.
”Hey Buck.” Eddie’s voice is rough with exhaustion.
”You really didn’t have to c-“
”Nope, I’m stopping you right there. I don't care if I had to come or not. I wanted to. I wanted to see you.” Eddie interjects holding his hand in a stop position at Buck.
”Chris-“
”-Is fine. You’re not.”
”I- Eddie- I don’t deserve you being here.” He says letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
”Bullshit.”
”You have better things to d-“
”Bullshit.”
“Stop saying bullshit!”
”Then stop making me point it out.” Eddie states, plopping down in the chair beside his bed.
Buck sighs, rubbing his forehead in frustration.
“What happened, you said you didn’t do anything.”
”I didn’t.”
”Got that part. What I don’t get is how you ended up here.” Eddie says, looking at him with those sad, tired eyes again.
“I was at this bridge I used to go to when I was younger.”
Eddie breathes in sharply.
”I was sitting on the railing, it was in the middle of nowhere but I guess someone saw me and called 911. This firefighter talked me down.”
There’s a thick silence in the air. So many emotions swirl around the room, he thinks they might strangle him.
After what feels like a million years but is actually just one long minute of silence, Eddie finally speaks again. He says something Buck certainly didn’t expect to be said just yet. He expected anger first then maybe some tears and finally apologies. (Not that Eddie has anything to apologize for.)
”I love you, Evan.”
”Edd-“
”I love you, and I know that doesn’t automatically fix things and maybe it never will, but you have to know that next to my son, you are my fucking everything. I can’t imagine my life without you, and I don’t want to.” Eddie pauses as he lets out a shaky sigh. “So I need you to be honest with me. I know you, I know you are afraid to let people help you because you think you’ll burden them. But I want to help you carry that burden okay. I want you safe. I want you alive. So, you have to let me help you, Buck. Unless you can honestly tell me there is no chance this will happen again.”
Buck knows he can’t keep going the way he is, and the next thing he says is one of the hardest sentences he’s ever had to utter.
”I need help.”
He regrets a lot of things from that day,
but this was never one of them.