Work Text:
Is it too good to be true
I want this so much
But don't know if I can trust you
Rain watched the droplets of water cling to the window of Sky’s dorm. He had studied for a while with his best friend, completed some homework due next week as well. Sky was taking a shower, so Rain had taken this moment to just zone out. Ever since the incident after the codeline dinner, Rain had been wary and weary. He had not shown his deepest fears to anyone. He knew that his friends had caught on to something being wrong with him, but they had not made a big deal out of it because they knew that he would have said something if he wanted to.
The way people from the faculty would speak about Phayu, it did all seem too good to be true. ‘Never judge a book by it’s cover.’ Isn’t that what people said? Then how good was Phayu’s façade? How good was he at hiding his deepest, darkest secrets? Rain had been completely taken aback when he had felt Phayu kissing him on his neck under the guise of drying his hair. But after his initial shock, Rain was in rather a quandary. It was not like he had disliked what Phayu had done. He had wanted so much to continue, to fall into Phayu’s arms and find his heaven right there. But something had stopped him, pulled him back, a tiny voice of reason that made him understand that he didn’t trust Phayu yet, and told him that he didn’t even know Phayu enough to begin trusting him.
My mind's racing fast
Tryna find the red flags I'm used to
“You know you can talk to any of us, any time, about anything you want, right?” Ple asked, as Rain sat silent, chewing the tip of the pencil, as he seemed to process something. His mind was racing. Could he tell them? Would they believe him? Phayu had an almost God like presence in their faculty. While he knew Ple was his friend, he also knew that both Som, her brother, and she, had feelings for Phayu. He looked around the table at his friends. He could feel them wanting to reach out. But his fear of the repercussions, of being misunderstood, of being negated, of being ostracised, was far greater than his fear of what would happen if Phayu found him. He had been continually dodging calls from the garage, in order to avoid a face to face confrontation with the man. There was fear, and a weird kind of anticipation that ran through him, but he had to tamp it down before he made it look too suspicious.
“It’s nothing guys, let’s just finish this assignment and go home, what say?” Rain said, as nonchalantly as possible. He could feel the weight of Sky’s look, and he knew that if anyone could catch on the fastest as to what was happening, it was Sky. Sky’s traumas and hurts were bone deep, and Rain couldn’t even begin to compare his lousy problem with what Sky had gone through. So yes, Sky would see the red flags for what they were, just like he could see them himself. He just smiled, wanting to shake off this feeling of impending doom, and turned to his work. “There you are Nong!” Rain stiffened at the voice, and saw Sky stiffening beside him, as he realised that he had been unable to cover up his reaction. “P’Phayu!” everyone exclaimed as he sat at the table with them.
All these green lights
Are they coming too soon
Rain knew he looked exactly like how he felt; like a deer caught in the headlights. “I was unable to meet you since the codeline dinner Nong. Hope you are well,” Phayu asked, and Rain just nodded. “Yes Phi, thank you, I am fine,” he said politely, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He knew he could be in trouble. Phayu sitting like this in front of him was not good for his sanity. “Could we talk in private? I have something to discuss with my codeline junior,” Phayu said, and everyone immediately nudged Rain to go. Rain could feel his body cramping, and he could feel Sky’s breath picking up, understanding slowly why Rain had been so wound up. Rain simply pressed his hand on Sky’s thigh, trying to ground him. However red he was feeling from inside, he knew he had to outwardly pretend it was green, because he would the only one in the wrong.
So he went off. Whatever Phayu had done in that tightly spaced bathroom stall, Rain had not been able to say no. He had dropped into a space that had not been his own. He had felt floaty, and itchy, his body wanting to burst out of his skin. He had been aroused, so he had been ashamed. It was his fault. He had not been able to say no, so he deserved it. Phayu had left him behind, oh so callously, holding him to the promise of being able to pay for his car. Rain had sat, shattered, until Sky had barged in. He had demanded to know what was happening. “It’s okay Sky. It is my fault. I didn’t say no this time,” Rain said, even though he knew he had thought Phayu could be green too soon.
Caught between red and the green and you
I'm stuck in the blue
Rain was stuck. He had no idea what to say. Sky had dragged him off to his dorm right after. “You are going to tell me everything,” he admonished. So it had all come spilling out; the tyre change in the rain, the codeline dinner, the breaking down of his car, the apartment above the garage and what had happened there. Even though Phayu had stopped when Rain had hit him with a pillow, he knew what it could have seemed like. Everything has come pouring out like a deluge and Rain had drowned in its retelling. “It’s like, I don’t know Sky, like he is a red flag, or a green flag, or both of them. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. He has such an important status in the faculty, and no one is going to believe me when I say anything,” Rain said, looking at Sky. “I know that even you will not believe me. I don’t expect you t..,” Rain trailed off when Sky slammed his hand down on the table.
“Why wouldn’t I believe you? And why don’t you expect that from me? I am your best friend, and if I will not believe you, who will?” Sky’s voice cracked at the last bit, and Rain rushed in to hug him. “Sky, please, I..,” Rain just put his arms around Sky, and so did Sky. Usually he didn’t like touch, but in that moment, both of them needed it, as they both cried and swayed into it. “How do you feel Rain? Be honest!” Sky warned. “I feel weird. Like, I want him near me, but, I didn’t like what he did. I feel afraid to be around him, but when I think of him playing with my feelings, I feel blue, like my life has no colour scale, a lost feeling, a gutted feeling,” Rain said, his gaze unfocused, eyes unfathomable. “You may like him, but you are not sure of what he feels for you, correct?” Sky asked, wise beyond his years. Rain looked at his best friend and nodded. He knew that even if no one understood, Sky would.
You value how I'm feeling
How do you have so much time
Rain stood in front of the garage, hesitating to go in. “I am here. You are not alone Rain,” Sky said quietly from beside him. Rain nodded and they both walked in. Rain waiied to the lady in the reception. “I am here for my car,” he said. “And you are?” she asked. “I am Varain Khap,” he said, his body and voice slightly trembling, afraid that Phayu might walk out of somewhere. Sky’s hand on the small of his back gave him a sense of security and warmth. Like he had someone in his corner. “Ah! Phayu’s boy!” a man said, as he walked in with a clipboard. “I am not..,” Rain trailed off as the man started off on all the repairs done on Rain’s car, adding the cost as well as the fact that every repair was done by Phayu himself. Rain’s eyes widened and he paled. This is what he was afraid of. Phayu would give him a certain amount of value, and then when his need was fulfilled, Rain would be discarded like yesterday’s trash. Only Sky’s tight grip in his t-shirt grounded him enough to not jump out of his skin. “Can I pay in instalments?” Rain asked. “Oh no! You needn’t pay anything. Phayu has taken care of it personally. You are his boy. He will have my head if I charge you,” the man said.
“Rain is not his boy! And we insist on paying. It would be wrong on our part to misuse the kindness of our senior and we refuse to be wrong,” Sky said stubbornly. “But as you know, we are students, and paying such a big amount in a lumpsum will not be easy, so we request the instalments concept,” he added, not budging a bit from his stance. Rain was grateful for Sky at that moment. He would not have been able to withstand this kind onslaught and might have caved, and then God knows what Phayu would have done. “Let me call Phayu,” the man said, now looking troubled in the face of two adamant boys.
Phayu came in immediately. At first, he looked surprised to see Sky with Rain. Maybe he had thought Rain will come alone. Rain saw how his eyes latched on to Sky’s hand on his back, a frown creasing his forehead. “What is the matter?” he asked, pointedly looking away from the two boys. “Nong Rain wants to pay for the car repairs, in instalments,” the lady behind the desk said. “Didn’t you tell him that the service was free?” Phayu asked the man. “’He’ is standing right here. And Phi did tell me. But I must pay P’Phayu. I would like to pay you for your time and services. Or do you really think you have that much time to help an unknown Nong from your faculty?” Rain asked, chin jutting out, a clear challenge in his eyes. Phayu’s eyes narrowed. “What are you implying Nong?” he asked, frost lacing his voice. “I know everything Phi,” Sky said, his voice just as icy. “He may be okay with what happened because he may not have realised what happened to him, but I do, and I am not afraid of voicing my concerns Phi,” he added in the same tone. Phayu looked between the boys, finally nodding and coming to some kind of conclusion. “Okay, let him pay in instalments,” he said, and stalked away.
Been searching for a reason
For why you'd love a chipped design
Rain sat in the library, books lying around, trying to figure out the best design projection for their group presentation. Sky was hunting for a book that might give them more ideas, while Sig, Por and Ple were in the design room, finishing the model. They had chosen to go with Rain’s idea and Sky and Rain had worked on the blueprints. Now the others were making sure the model would be nothing less than perfect. Suddenly, his phone buzzed. It was a message from an unknown number. Rain ignored it. It buzzed again, and then a third time. This time, Rain got glared at by other people, so he picked it up.
Unknown
“We need to talk.”
Unknown
“Alone.”
Unknown
“This is Phayu.”
Rain was shocked. How had Phayu gotten his number? He had not given his number to the senior. And he knew Sky wouldn’t. Where coul..? The garage? Had Rain left his number there? “Sky,” he whisper called. Sky looked at him, and Rain pointed at his phone. Sky immediately came over and looked at the messages. “How did he get your number?” Sky asked. “I am not sure? Garage?” Rain asked. “Don’t tell me!” Sky hissed. “What?” Rain asked, surprised. “He did not use client information for personal reasons now, did he?” Sky asked softly, sounding enraged. “I don’t know. Let’s not jump to conclusions. What should I do about these messages?” Rain asked. “What do you want to do?” Sky asked. “Maybe meet him once?” Rain said. “Are you sure?” Sky asked, sounding hesitant. “Yes, but not alone. You be around somewhere? Yeah?” Rain asked, and Sky nodded.
The café was not filled with people, but it was not empty either. Phayu waited at a corner booth. He waved when Rain walked in with Sky. His face fell a bit, but cleared when Sky walked to another table and only Rain walked towards his. Rain waiied and sat down. “Where did you get my number from Phi?” Rain asked. “From the codeline LINE group. Sariya added your number there. I didn’t know who that was first, but, I got it from the picture,” Phayu said. Rain nodded. “You wanted to talk to me?” he asked. “Yes. I just want to tell you that you have got me all wrong. Why did you insist on paying when I told you the repairs would be free? What did you think I wanted when I did that?” Phayu asked. Rain laughed mirthlessly. “What else would a ‘God-like’ senior want from a nobody like me Phi?” he asked.
“You know, I have been wondering what you saw in me. I thought really hard. I am a decent student, who gets reasonably good grades, but nothing like yours. I am not too bad to look at, but again nothing like you. I have an old car, nothing like your smart bike and the Range Rover you drive. I am a member of the Student Council, but I am not it’s president like you. I am nothing Phi, no one important. My own friends think that I am an airhead most of the times. So all that you would need from me is my body, right? That was the only way I could pay you? Why else would you try to make time for someone broken like me Phi?” Rain asked, his voice cracking at the end.
Aren't you listening to me now
Screamed all my secrets
Why don't you leave then
Phayu sat there with a weird look on his face. Rain looked at him once, and then looked down, not bothering to see any of the expressions on Phayu’s face. He knew what he would see; pity. And he was not willing to do that. He didn’t want anyone’s pity, least of all Phayu’s. He waited for Phayu to say something. The silence was making him edgy. Then he realised, anything Phayu would say, would just sound like he was sympathising with Rain. “I should leave Phi,” he said, trying to slide out and wanting to run as far away from there as possible. “Did I say you could leave?” Phayu asked, his voice calm. Too calm, Rain thought, as he looked up. He was shocked to see anger in Phayu’s eyes, and nothing close to the sympathy and pity Rain was expecting.
Rain wondered if Phayu had heard anything he had said. And if he had, had he not registered it? Rain had spilled his dirtiest, darkest secrets, his feelings of being lesser, not being worthy enough for a man like Phayu. Why wasn’t he leaving? Why wasn’t he running, screaming and kicking, to the door? Why was he still here? Sitting there, getting angry, about God knows what. Rain hadn’t really said anything that would make Phayu angry, had he? “Phi?” he asked, very confused now. “Is that what you think about yourself Rain?” Phayu asked. Rain looked at him in surprise. “I..,” he trailed off. “Rain, I am saddened and appalled by what you think about yourself. And I am absolutely hurt that you thought that I could think of you that way. Sweet boy, you are nothing but the best, the most beautiful, the prettiest boy I have ever seen. The only reason I didn’t want you to pay for your car was so that I could use it as an excuse and pursue you.”
Rain stared at Phayu. Whatever he had expected the senior to say, it definitely was not this. “Oh sweet boy! Who has hurt you so much that you barely have an opinion about yourself?” Phayu asked, holding Rain’s hand and stroking it with his thumb. There was no sympathy, no pity in that question, just pure love, and Rain floundered. “Phi, I..” He was unable to speak. There was nothing he could say. How could he tell this man his past, how his family had treated him, how friends in school had bullied him, how, until Sky, he didn’t even know what love meant? How could he tell Phayu that he was so fond of physical touch, but had been denied it so brutally that he had given in because Phayu had touched him? His eyes, his demeanour must have betrayed him, because Phayu leaned forward. “Rain, my cute boy, will you let Phi pursue you? And since free repairs are off the table, it is an honest and genuine attempt on my part. So? Will you give me the permission?” Rain nodded, unable to say anything else.
You never tell me that I owe you
Don't you need to refuel
Rain sat in Phayu’s garage, working on his year end model, when Phayu walked in. “Hello sweet boy,” he said, kissing Rain on top of his head. “Are you hungry yet?” he asked. Rain looked up and smiled. “I am hungry Phi, but I am almost done with this. I don’t want to stop in between,” he said. “Okay, I will order the food and go freshen up. You will be done by the time the food comes? Yeah?” Phayu asked. Rain nodded happily. Since that day in the café, Phayu had done everything for Rain. He had gone out of the way to make things comfortable for him. He had showered him with time, with love and affection, and smothered him with hugs and kissed him senseless. He would cook for Rain, buy him things he required for his course even before Rain could ask for them. He had given Rain the keys to both his room above the garage and his house and he could go there any time. Phayu always ensured that he picked Rain’s calls. If for any reason he could not, he would immediately send a message telling him the reason why he could not do so at the moment. He would help Rain if he got stuck with anything related to his studies. He shared almost his entire wardrobe with Rain, and if Rain asked him if it was okay that he wore Phayu’s clothes, Phayu would laugh it off. “Anyway they look better on my sweet boy than on me,” he would say, and proceed to show Rain how exactly he meant it.
Their first time had been much of a surprise to both of them. Phayu had been hitting on Rain for almost 2 months, and they had not officially become boyfriends yet. But Rain knew, from the way they kissed, from the way Phayu held him, from the care he took with Rain, that he wanted nothing more than become one with the man he was slowly falling in love with. Rain had stayed back late at Uni, finishing a project, when Som had come in. Rain had waiied, but Som had dismissed him. This behaviour had been going on for a while, and Rain had no idea what had happened. As far as he knew, he had said nothing to Som or behaved inappropriately. So he bent down and continued to work. Suddenly Som whirled around. “What the hell does he see in you?” he had shouted out. Rain was taken aback. “I beg your pardon?” he had asked. “I saw you with P’Phayu in the mall that day. What do you think you were doing with him? Do you think you are that great? He is the God of this faculty. And you? What are you? A nobody, nothing to your name. Do you think you are worthy to even lick his shoes? Why were you with him?” Som had asked. “Because he is my boyfriend,” Phayu’s voice had come from the doorway.
“And as for whether he is worthy enough to stand with me or not. Let me answer that. He is not worthy.” Som had grinned ferally at Rain. “He is more than worthy. In fact, it is I who doesn’t deserve to stand with him. He is smart, bright, beautiful. He has the power to light up the darkest places in my heart. He gives meaning to my life. He is the reason I smile every morning, because he is in my dreams, the reason I go to bed smiling, because he is in my arms. I find that my smallest needs are fulfilled. I never have to worry about missing things anymore. He may not give me physical, tangible gifts, but he never lets me want for anything. I have someone wonderful to come home to, who is waiting with a warm smile and open arms, making my house into a home. My parents, my brother, for them, he is the most perfect companion I could have found, because according to them, I only truly smiled after I met him, and I only truly learnt the meaning of love from him. He may feel he does nothing for me, but the truth is, in just being himself, the way he gave me his trust despite everything, that is the biggest gift I could receive from him. So if you ever, I repeat, ever harass Rain again, or say something to him, I will personally ensure that you never see your career as an architect take off,” Phayu said, this time, it was his grin that went feral, as he bared his teeth at a cowering Som.
Rain had been quiet in the drive over. But he had jumped Phayu as soon as they had gotten home. It had been Rain’s first time, and despite all the filthy moans and encouragement to go harder and faster, Phayu had treated Rain like a fragile glass bauble, making love to him until they had both collapsed. Rain smiled at the memory. He wanted to recreate that evening again, but this blasted year end project was going to kill him. “What makes my sweet boy smile?” Phayu asked, as he watched Rain from the doorway. Since Rain had his presentation the next day, they were planning to stay at the garage since that was closer to Uni. “Nothing Phi. Thinking about how good you are to me,” Rain said, making Phayu ruffle his hair. Sometimes, Rain could not believe his good fortune. He was always afraid that one day, Phayu might turn around and tell him that he owed Phayu, that he took energy away from him. But that never happened. On the contrary, he made Rain’s life nothing less than perfect.
There's safety when I hold ya
You know exactly what to do
Phayu waited outside the Architecture faculty the day of Rain’s final exams. It had been a gruelling week for both of them, a tough client for Phayu and exams for Rain had kept them apart, since Rain had chosen to study at Sky’s dorms with his group. “P’Phayu is here!” Everyone had been super excited. People of both genders adjusted their clothing and hair. Several girls touched up their faces. Phayu didn’t notice anything. He was scrolling down his phone and couldn’t be bothered less by the twittering around him. At intervals, he would look up to check if Rain was out yet. The moment he saw Rain come out of the building, he straightened and took out a bouquet of flowers from the back seat and strode towards his boy. “Rain,” he called out. Rain turned around, surprised to see Phayu, but yet elated. “Phi?” he said, as he skipped down the stairs. “Flowers?” he asked. “Yes, flowers for my sweet, hardworking boy, who prepared so well for his exams,” Phayu said, handing him the bouquet and pecking him on the lips, not caring who could see them.
Rain blushed and buried his face into the flowers as audible gasps went around. Only Rain’s gang watched on in amusement. Since the time Phayu had decided to pursue Rain, they had gotten used to these very public displays of affection. Rain had finally found someone who never minded his clinginess and his tactile nature. “I am stealing Rain from you guys,” Phayu said, putting a hand around his sweet boy’s waist and pulling him closer. Sky waved his hands. “Please Phi, take him away. One more day of his whining about how much he was missing you, and one of us would have bashed his head in for sure,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Ai’Skyyyyy!” Rain whined and buried his nose into his flowers again, blushing to the tips of his ears. Phayu ushered Rain into the car, and then took to the driver’s seat. He tugged on Rain’s seat belt. “So sweet boy? Where to first? Home?” Phayu asked. “Yes Phi, your home. I want to change out of my uniform,” Rain said, snuggling comfortably into the seat.
As soon as Rain entered the house, he made a beeline to the shower. “Go ahead love, I will freshen up after,” Phayu said. “Join me Phi?” Rain asked, pouting, turning his puppy dog eyes at Phayu. No one, not even God, could resist Rain when he was in this mode. And Phayu, forgive him, was just an ordinary mortal. The shower was extremely satisfying to both of them, and later, as Phayu sat with Rain between his legs, drying his baby’s hair, Rain laughed. “What is it pretty boy?” Phayu asked. “I remember the night of the codeline Phi. At that time, I was afraid because I was turned on and I didn’t know what was happening to me. But now, I feel safe in your arms. It feels like home. You always know exactly what I need, what I want. You have made me realise that I too can be loved Phi,” Rain said, leaning back against Phayu. “Then cute boy, will you turn my house into a home and move in with me?” Phayu asked. Rain looked at Phayu in wonderment. “Really Phi?” he asked softly. “Really, truly!” Phayu said. “Then yes! A thousand times yes!” Rain said, throwing himself into Phayu’s arms, knowing he would always be caught.
Did you fall out of the heavens
Or crawl up from under
I can't help but wonder
“Will you stop fidgeting? You look amazing!” Sky said, as he adjusted Rain’s boutonniere for the third time. Rain was palpably nervous. “Ai’Rain, what are you worried about? You have known each other for seven years. You are already partners in business. You both have made a beautiful life for yourself a very long time ago. This is just a silly formality, just giving a legal name to a long standing relationship. Then what is wrong with you?” Sky asked. “P’Phayu always looks so perfect. And I am clumsy Rain. What if I trip and fall? What if I forget my vows?” Rain said, nervous energy bouncing of walls. “Relax. I have already told Por that if he makes you fall, I am going to tell Ple about his drunken escapade during the 2nd year after party. And Sig has your vows in his pocket. He will ensure that you are not missing any points. Plus, if you forget something, just wing it dude, like your Valedictorian speech,” Sky said, rolling his eyes at his best friend.
When Rain started walking between Ple and Por, who were giving him away as his brother and sister(since his parents couldn’t be bothered to come for their son’s big day), his entire focus was on the expression on Phayu’s face. He could see the naked emotion in the eyes of the man who had changed his life. And now, they were going to be together forever. All his worries dissolved just like that. Rain put his hand into Phayu’s outstretched one and allowed himself to be pulled to the dais. “You better take care of our brother, or we are coming,” Por said. Ple kicked him on his calf. “P’Phayu, ignore him. Just take care of our friend. We know where you live,” she said, smiling sweetly and complacently, and sounding more dangerous, then dragging Por away.
“Rain, you may say your vows,” Sig, who was officiating, said. “I didn’t know what to write for my vows, but now, I think I have found better words. I always wondered why life treated me in a certain manner. It hurt me, but as Sky always says, I am tenacious. I never learnt to give up. But when it came to you, I got scared, nervous, unable to comprehend what I was feeling. You made me feel beautiful, desirable and most importantly, you made me feel worthy. I couldn’t decide if you were my gift from the heavens when you were sweet to me or the Devil incarnate who came from the netherworld when you teased me. But in either case, I always wondered how I got so lucky. You never gave me a chance to doubt myself Phi and that’s why I am proud to stand here, in front of you, and proud of the fact that I will soon call you husband,” Rain said and watched in amazement as tears trickled down Phayu’s eyes.
“Phi? Your turn,” Sig said, surreptitiously wiping his eyes. “Rain, I know we didn’t have a perfect start. But you have no idea how much you have completed me. You humbled me when I was arrogant, you calmed me when there were storms inside me, you were the warm smiles to my cold demeanour. You were the voice of my conscience, the reason I want to do better every day. You became more of a son to my parents and more of a brother to mine that I actually was. You became the heart of my home and hearth, and I would have it no other way. You allowed me to stand next to you despite all my flaws, and for that, I am eternally grateful. I am proud to be able to call myself your husband,” Phayu said, thumbing away Rain’s tears.
Oh, is it too good to be true
I want this so much
But don't know if I can trust you
My mind's racing fast
Tryna find the red flags I'm used to
All these green lights
Are they coming too soon
Caught between red and the green and you
I'm stuck in the blue
“Please exchange your rings!” Sig said, his voice hitching. Phayu gently placed the ring on Rain’s finger and kissed the knuckle just above it, and Rain did the same. “I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss your groom,” Sig said, a Cheshire cat like grin on his face. Phayu pulled Rain closer. “Forever mine!” he whispered. “Forever yours,” Rain whispered back, a breath before they kissed for the first time as husbands. They separated to applause, catcalls and whistles, smiling happily! As Rain looked down at his ring, he wondered if it was still a dream. He had looked for red flags, but had been surrounded by green lights. Sometimes, he still felt it was all too good to be true!